Triggers During Pregnancy

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I was extremely worried when I found out I was pregnant. I was scared that my anorexia (ED) would take over. If you’ve read my posts, you know I refer to my anorexia as ED. I still get ED attacks every so often. Not as often as I used to when I was really sick, but still when they happen they can be extreme. I had hot chocolate for the first time in…. maybe a year the other day. I absolutely had an ED attack. ED was telling me that because I drank hot chocolate I was going to be fat, so I had to eat salads for the rest of pregnancy. I know, it sounds crazy, even as I typed it. But when ED attacked, the scary thing is it seemed logical, rational. Luckily, Cody was there and calmed me down and grounded me and we talked through the irrational thought. I challenged myself by making sure I had hot chocolate again the next day, and also today, to de-stigmatize it. I still feel guilty that I drank it, but not horrible about myself.

Another trigger has been getting the classic pregnancy round stomach. There are days where I am happy about it, and I’ll  rub my stomach and talk to our unborn son, but there are days, when I feel so crappy about my body I don’t want Cody to see me. For the most part, I think I’ve been doing an amazing job with eating when I am hungry and doing my best to stay healthy. On the other hand, I feel guilty whenever I don’t eat a balanced meal.

I am nervous about post pregnancy and dealing with my body. I know that will be a challenge, but I am hoping that I can overcome it. I am taking one day at a time, and reminding myself that I have to nourish myself so our son can be healthy.

XOXO Anna

Who Knew an Apple Could Fix It

Last night I wanted an apple because Cody and I were too tired to cook by the time he got home from Parkour. He mentioned he was going to snack on an apple and I said that I wanted one too and he changed his mind about the apple after. I told him he didn’t need to cut me up an apple. With my anorexic ways, I guess I eat apples differently. I like them cut up with no skin on them.

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Cody took out the apple and started searching for a knife to peel the skin off. I told him he really didn’t have to and that I could find something else. In my mind I didn’t want to burden him with it. I know my mom always got really annoyed when I ate apples because she didn’t like peeling them and all. So Cody found the knife and started peeling. He said he would eat the skin and peeled the whole apple and then cut it for me. He asked me if I liked them in smaller pieces and I said yes, so he cut them smaller.

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For some reason that showed me that he loved me and cared about me. It was as if I suddenly felt loved again. With what Cody did, it felt very unloving. I figured out a lot yesterday because I wrote my feelings down. I realized that what I needed from Cody was to have him show me that he does love and care about me. He had no idea that cutting the apple would have such an impact. I told him afterwards and he was shocked. Hell, I was shocked. Suddenly that seemed to fix a lot. It really made me feel loved because he took care of me. He didn’t think of it as a burden, he just wanted me to eat. It meant a lot to me that he would do that. Maybe it means so much because I know my mom would get annoyed with me asking that. But no matter the reason, the point is I feel loved again. I feel like he respects me and that he does care.

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Things are looking up for us, and hopefully with therapy later today it will just keep getting better.

XOXO Anna

Food, Family, and Luvas

I called Renfrew today to let them know I’m not coming back. I left a voicemail so I’ll get a call later today from them asking for an explanation probably.

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Also last night sucked. I asked my mom to make me pasta, and well she made dinner for everyone else but me. Cody had to make me pasta after he found me crying. I also called my sister last night, and that was bad. See when growing up my mom would often forget to feed me, especially the carb part of the dinner. And once I knew I had anorexia my sister really stood up to my mom and told her that I needed carbs as much as any other food.

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So I called her and asked how she was doing but she could tell I was crying and I told her mom was being mom. I proceeded to ask again what was going on with her. She then said the only reason she answered my call was to make sure no one died in my family and hung up on me.

That’s when I really cried and Cody came over and he made me food after I told him what happened.

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Today has been better. I went to therapy and talked about it. When I got home I found out that Luvas got outside and I almost had a panic attack. He has gotten outside before and will often just hide in the bushes near the door and cry until I pick him up by the scruff and put him back in, but he had gotten out while I was out. My mom and I went outside and searched around the house. He was in the backyard hiding in the bushes near the bird feeder. When he heard me calling his name he started crying and that’s how I found him.

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I was so scared. I noticed when he was inside that his eye was irritated because he kept it more shut than the other. Now I am hoping that he doesn’t have an infection or something. Luvas is supposed to be an indoor cat because I know I’m not going to be living in my parents house forever with a nice yard. When Cody and I move out to an apartment Luvas won’t be able to go outside because we won’t have a yard, not until Cody and I move into a house or something which would be years down the line, so I don’t want Luvas getting used to going outside when I know he won’t be able to when Cody and I eventually move out.

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I am hoping that the rest of the week isn’t too hectic. We ended up having brunch yesterday with Cody’s dad, sister, and brother. That was really nice and tomorrow Cody and me are meeting his mom for happy hour. I’m really excited about that because I really like Cody’s mom!

Hope everyone has a good week! 🙂

XOXO Anna

 

 

 

It’s December!

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Happy Holidays to everyone! I know it’s early but I am actually excited for Christmas this year. If you’ve read my blog, you would know that Halloween is my favorite holiday. I am not the biggest fan of Christmas. I love that it brings family together but this year my Christmas is going to be different.

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For one thing I am using the money I earned to buy my gifts for people. I always used my parents money to buy gifts because I had none of my own, and honestly it feels really good to use my own money to buy things for others. I have gotten Cody three things so far. I got his sister and dad a gift  also. I still need to get his brother his gift, and Cody and I will do a combined gift for his mom. I have to get my granddad, mom, dad, and sister a present too.

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I am excited because on Christmas morning after I open presents at my house, I’ll be heading to Cody’s house to spend the rest of Christmas with his family and open and give presents over there. I am nervous about my Christmas because my sister will be coming home.

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If you’ve read my blog you know the situation with my sister, if not, read this. That is the first post I made about the situation with my sister. Lots has happened since that first post. My sister is finally coming home with that guy that she met online and stayed with. Also they are a couple now. So that’s new. She won’t talk to me still. Ignores all my texts. So I am terrified for her to come home. I just hope she doesn’t ignore me.

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Cody has to stay at his house while she is here. That was her condition for coming home. If things get too hectic at my house I’m going to stay with Cody at his house while she is here. Cody is more than welcome to come over whenever my sister and her boyfriend go to NYC for the day. I am excited for Cody to meet my granddad. I hope they like each other.

I am not very materialistic and the things I would like for Christmas are probably near impossible to have. I miss my sister and I miss our relationship and how things used to be. All I want for Christmas is for me and my sister to be on better terms.

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I am truly excited though to be spending Christmas with Cody’s family. It will be so nice to just be with Cody on Christmas 🙂

XOXO Anna

Not Even Five Minutes Home And…

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I walk through the door and I ask how last night went with talking to my sister. They gave me the vaguest bullshit answer, and I demanded specifics after like three times of asking. My dad went further into it, and I was at least happy they talked to her. Apparently she didn’t really talk back, and is being pretty much silent to them. My mom explained that if in two days she doesn’t decide what she’s doing, then they are going to I think shut her cell service off. At least my mom is being a hard-ass.

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But I comment on how everything I bought my sister wasn’t in the kitchen and I asked if she threw it away or took it. They figured she took it upstairs. I then opened the snack drawer where my smartfood was and half the bag was gone, as expected, and I commented, “Hey dad, can you not eat the rest of this? Or if you do, can you go get more?” My dad responded in an annoyed tone with, “Who is paying for that? You can’t tell me I can’t have any more of it. Next time you should buy two or three bags if you’re worried about me eating it. Okay?”

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I swallowed, and held my tongue, knowing if I lost it on my dad everything would be worse so I said, “Okay, you’re right.” I’ve never felt so submissive. I hated that. I didn’t want to even fight for it. I just gave up. That reminds me of the person I was back in middle school when I feared this girl, Skyler, and she ruled over everyone.

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If I had the fight in me I would have explained why I wanted him not to eat it, because of the anxiety I get going into the grocery, but I think he would laugh it off or something. I don’t know, but I know that only five minutes of getting back to my house and I am craving a safety pin. That’s really sad. I was hoping that coming back from Cody’s, everything would be a bit calmer today or… I don’t know. I’m just feeling really discouraged and submissive, which I hate. I just can’t take anymore anger or negative emotions directed at me or I will break.

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I want to scream, and cry, and hit my baseball bat against the mattress in the attic, but I know if I try to express any “negative” emotion my mom will burst through the door and tell me to stop. That’s really annoying because there’s a reason I restrict, drink excessively, or cut or burn. It’s because I am trying to express my emotions, or numb them. If I can’t express my emotions in a healthier way I will end up turning to my bag habits.

Also, with all the shit I went through yesterday, I ate and didn’t restrict at all! I am seriously proud of myself, plus since my period is coming, I am feeling bloated too, but I stayed strong and ate knowing that’s what I’m supposed to do.

I am shocked at how low my mood got since I got in my house. I seriously feel like I’m back in middle school or high school or something. I am honestly shocked that I made it through that period without self-harming or other extreme measures with all the bullying.

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I am trying so hard to stay on track, but being in this house is killing me.

XOXO Anna

Frew Girls

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Today in treatment I had a pretty good day. I was invited to hang out with them later when a couple of them are going to get tattoo’s. I am pretty excited to go see that and support them. They are also having a sleepover after, which I said I couldn’t do because of family stuff tomorrow. Honestly I just am not up for sleepovers with a bunch of girls. I love them and they all rock, but I just… for me having sleepovers with girls just brings up bad memories from my days in middle school.

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Today Cody was a hot topic with them which was really funny. One girl, who we’ll call Hannah, asked how the concert was and I explained it to her and she said it was sweet of him to have protected me. Some other girls asked about something that I can’t reveal on here yet, and they died a bit inside. Hannah also asked if I ever saw myself marrying Cody. I responded with what Cody has said to me before, that if in two years we’re still together and happy and stuff then yeah, I’d accept a proposal and the girls who I was talking to all just seemed floored. Hannah was so shocked at how quickly and confidently I answered, and then I began to think about it and I was shocked. I guess I just answered like that because Cody’s talked about it before and idk. Hannah was saying that if she was with a guy for five years she still wouldn’t know if she wanted to be with them. I think after five years you would get a sense of if you want to be with them or not.

But then at lunch Cody was again the topic of discussion. Other girls were asking about the concert. One girl asked how long Cody and I have been together and when I said only like two months she responded with, “I thought you guys have been together for years.” I laughed and continued talking about the concert. They also needed me to explain moshing. That was funny.

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So I had a pretty good day at treatment. I am excited to join them later for the tattoo thing. If I had the money and knew exactly what I wanted, I’d get one too today…but… I wanna think about it a bit more before I do it. Plus I am sure my parents wouldn’t be too happy with it either.

Hope the day continues to go well!

XOXO Anna

Trying to Process…

There’s so much to write…at the moment I’m not exactly good. I am not in a good mental state, as in, I’m currently writing while I’ve been triggered to Monster. But before I get to that, let’s start with last night.

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Last night I had a friend come over while Cody was here. We got to catch up and talk and it was nice. Then Cody and I went to the gay bar to meet up with people. Serena was there, and we talked and we seem to be on better terms. I was drinking and having fun, dancing with Cody’s friends. There was a point in the night where I couldn’t find Cody. It was after one of his drunken friends was dancing with me a little… too closely I guess. I just felt like Cody wouldn’t have been cool with it, and I couldn’t find him. I eventually gave up and kept dancing. I later found out Cody had left the bar because one of his friends took him for a ride in his nice car. That… I don’t know. I guess I would have liked to know Cody was going to leave rather than freak out because I couldn’t find him and feel scared.

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Last night is kind of foggy because of I guess emotions and how emotional I eventually got. Things tend to blur when I get over emotional ever since my trauma’s.

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I eventually found Cody and got him on the dance floor and everyone was having fun. I don’t remember how Cody left the dance floor but he did. I remember later that night Cody was outside the gay bar with friends, while two of his guy friends were with me on the dance floor. We were having fun until it got a little too close for comfort. One guy in front of me, the other behind me, both grinding up on me. I knew Cody would not be happy with that. It made me feel uncomfortable. I got out of it after a bit and I did tell Cody.

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As people were leaving, Cody and I were going to leave. One of his girl friends, she tried to kiss me before I left. I pulled away. Cody’s mouth dropped open and begged me to kiss her. That made me feel like fucking crap. I got really angry with him. The girl friend understood where I was coming from when I told her I didn’t want to kiss her. There are many reasons I didn’t kiss her.

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  1. To me it’s cheating. I don’t care if its a guy trying to kiss me or a girl. If I do anything physical with another person it’s cheating.
  2. Cody was watching. It felt… gross. It brought up a lot of Ethan memories. (Ethan once had a chance at a threesome while we were together after Peter. He didn’t take it, but knowing that that was his fantasy made me always feel like I was never enough, so last night brought out those emotions)
  3. What if I ended up liking it? Not that it would be a bad thing, but when in a relationship there’s a reason you don’t do things like that. It can seriously fuck up a relationship.

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Cody and I talked. He apologized. I was definitely off when we got back to my house. I think we talked again a little. We were then in a good place, and we had sex. But see this time was different. Way different. The first time I felt this was when I wrote this post. That night it really hit me that I couldn’t just push away emotions and stuff.

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But last night, when Cody and I were having sex, well, let’s just say last night was my favorite time. Not to say all the other times weren’t awesome, but last night… it felt…special. And yeah, I feel like  a stupid sap for writing that and feeling that, but it was really different. Maybe because we made a lot more eye contact, or that we were talking during sex. I mean, I enjoyed that. It did make it feel more intimate. More like I’m a person. There were things said by Cody and it just…it made it so much…more meaningful. Knowing his thoughts and feelings while having sex, I mean, can it get any better than that?

I’ll mention only one thing that he said, because the other stuff, that’s just for me. I don’t want to share that with anyone else. But he told me, while we were having sex, that it wasn’t just sex, it was ….making love. *shudders*

Don’t take that shudder as in I think it’s a bad thing. It’s so not. The fact he feels that way means …a lot. I’ve felt that way since that post I wrote about my feelings that I linked earlier in this post.

See, the whole making love thing…it brings up a lot for me. Hence why I got so… idk. Hearing him say that, while having sex, well that just blew my mind. I just don’t want anyone to think I’m cheesy for the whole making love thing versus sex. It’s true though. There is a huge fucking difference between sex and making love, at least to me. Sex is sex. It’s meaningless. It’s exercise. Making love… that’s intense. Passionate. Caring. Respectful. Meaningful.

Cody finished and I didn’t. I went to the bathroom because I was seriously emotional. See, I read somewhere that what someone says during sex is meaningless because it’s said in the heat of the moment and the person may not mean what they’re saying. So, with everything Cody did say to me during sex, and with that thought that it could have been meaningless, that got me down. I was going to finish myself, and Cody came in and he said he would try and help me get there. I just couldn’t get that thought out of my head that what was said could have been meaningless so I told Cody I just didn’t want to finish.

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Cody knew something was up with me. I honestly couldn’t voice what was going on in my head for a long time. The fear of judgement or rejection just paralyzed me. I didn’t want to be looked at as emotional, and a girl, and weak, or stupid or anything else negative. I just was scared. Emotions are scary at times, as I’ve probably written many times on my blog. I eventually got Cody to figure it out because I wasn’t going to just fucking say it, I couldn’t. He got there and assured me he meant it all. That made me feel better. The reason I was so scared was because I didn’t want to hear that what he said wasn’t true, because I let myself believe it was true, until I remembered what I read about people saying things they don’t mean during sex. But it was nice to know that Cody meant everything.

We ended up going to bed at 5 AM and Cody had work today. We woke up at 9:30 this morning and went out for breakfast. I was quiet during breakfast because there were so many thoughts going through my head. I was re-playing events from last night in my head, trying to process it all. Still trying, as I’m writing this.

Breakfast this morning, Cody ate. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but he struggles to eat, not because of an eating disorder, but because he gets nauseous easily. He ate everything on his plate. I was happy that he finally was able to eat. I ate half my belgian waffle. We were driving back to my house, and Cody said he felt like he was going to puke. I asked if he needed me to pull over and at first he said no, then at a stop light he said yes. I pulled into a parking lot parked the car and Cody got out and started puking.

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That triggered me beyond belief. I had to turn my music up loud because I was triggered. I stupidly looked at Cody when he first bent over and puked. After that I was a goner. I shut my eyes, covered my ears with my hands, blasted the music and prayed for it to be over soon. If you’ve read my posts about Monster, you will know that before Monster raped me I puked. I also once was having a flashback back at school after a party one night and a friend started puking and it made my flashbacks worse. I didn’t know where I was. It was scary. So, every time I see or hear someone puke I get crazy triggered. Plus, I have anorexia, so seeing someone eat so well and then puke it up so soon after just kind of made me scared and uncomfortable.

I don’t blame Cody at all nor am I upset at him. I just feel bad that he felt so sick. I wish he hadn’t. But I am doing okay, now as I’ve written everything out. But for a while I just was so scared after the puking. I mean, Cody opened the door and touched me and I screamed. He was just asking me to get him some water, but that’s how triggered I was. Cody was late for work today, and I really hope he doesn’t get chewed out. I feel bad about that. Also with the puking, it made me want to puke, not because I wanted to get rid of food, but because seeing someone puke or hearing it makes me feel so sick. I knew though if I puked, then I’d … I don’t know, freak out even more than I already was.

So this morning hasn’t been the best… but I am doing better. I am watching Dexter right now to try to relax. I just hope Cody feels okay.  Gosh, so much has happened within the past 24 hours. Trying to process it all. Allow myself to feel. Cody helps a lot though with that. The fact that he voices his feelings, wishes, thoughts, desires, plans first makes me feel comfortable with acknowledging to myself I feel that, and then it allows myself to accept I feel it, and then I finally gather the courage to voice my feelings. So it’s a process to get me to the point where I can say what I’m feeling, but with Cody always taking lead, it really helps me. I mean, I get he knows a lot about relationships and healthy relationships and what they are supposed to be like. I am still learning what a healthy relationship is supposed to be and what it feels like. I am glad he is teaching me though.

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Sometimes I just feel like an abused puppy from an animal shelter though because I can be so skittish or shy or cautious. It took my dog Rusty a year to finally accept that we loved him and weren’t going to hit him. Abuse can really take a toll on the soul. It takes time, and reassurance, and consistency to finally break free from all the fear that one has from an abusive past. I am just glad that Cody is so good at reassuring me, and doesn’t get annoyed with me, and that he is consistent! Consistency truly is key with me, and the fact that he is consistent is probably one of the reasons why I have come this far with my progress regarding relationships, emotions, and trust.

XOXO Anna

Ignorance About Treatment

I came home today and had bought a box of pasta, ice cream, and smart food. I had some ice cream because I was craving it. I mentioned to my mom I might want food later and she asked what I needed. Of course she started with “do you need string beans?” Maybe she said it innocently, but to me, it was not innocent. I finish snacking on my ice cream and I shower.

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I come downstairs to blog and relax and mom mentions something about me and Cody eating out all the time. She then starts asking why Cody and I always eat together. I start getting angry. I tell her to back off and leave it alone. She won’t drop it. I tell her it’s nice to eat out with Cody. I tell her it’s easier on me, it means I don’t have to make my meals. She says she can make my dinner, and Cody can go to his house and eat dinner at his house. She asks what Cody did to eat before he met me.

There are many reasons I like to eat with Cody.

  1. It’s fun
  2. He is supportive, and will help me with the meal if he sees me struggling
  3. I don’t have to prepare a meal (because making meals is anxiety provoking enough for me to just skip eating)

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I told my mom to back off and let Cody and I eat meals together. I told her she can’t talk about my treatment or my eating since she hasn’t been apart of this round of recovery. Cody has, and dad has. Those are the only two who can make a comment on eating and what might be beneficial.

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I am really annoyed at my mom. I am angry, mainly because, to me, having her say that Cody and I should eat separately, is essentially saying to me that she is taking support away from me. She is making meals harder. I know that’s not what she intends. I know that she believes that, actually I don’t know.

I’ll apologize to her for yelling, but I honestly, if she starts with talking about my meals and food again, I am walking out of the room. Cody and dad have gone to the Family groups. They have been there to eat meals with me. Not mom. Not my sister.

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Well, now to enjoy a couple glasses of Proseco and pray things stay calm tonight.

XOXO Anna

Past Demons

Yesterday was a very rough day. Lots of things were still coming up from the previous night with Cody. At treatment I had to Ensure it. I felt like a failure or disappointment. I did hang out with some of the girls after treatment though, and that was really fun.

I went to dinner with Cody and two of his friends at this place called Mecha Noodle bar. I was not a fan. I figured I wasn’t going to be eating too much if we went, but I got a Proseco which made me happy.  Then Cody had to go to Target, so me and his friends went to a bar. Once Cody got back we went back to his place so he could get things ready for LARPing. I was wearing a really hot outfit. I haven’t worn something that hot since I was back at my old school.

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Yesterday was really rough because in treatment we talked about shopping and other things and the whole day all I felt like was a sex object. That’s part of the reason I wore the outfit I did for Cody, but the other half was that I wanted him to have a good last impression of me before he went away this weekend.

Cody and I had amazing sex again last night. I got emotional…again. *sigh* I was not happy at all. It really did remind me of Deb and Rudy, though. That’s not comforting if you think about who Rudy really is. But, I think I’m getting used to whatever emotions I am feeling.

I also figured out where my anxiety was coming from this past week! See, in my past relationships, whenever one of us would go away for a weekend, or part for the summer, things either got bad between us or we ended the relationship.  That’s part of where my separation anxiety comes from. I know, Cody is not any of those guys, but because every time I’ve parted with a partner for a weekend or summer things went wrong or ended, I’ve been conditioned, in a way, to expect bad things when one partner leaves for a trip.

I do realize the irrationality of this, and that’s why I feel better right now. Plus I also told Cody to just check in with me, like a text or something. See, for me, radio silence is one of my biggest triggers, whether it triggers my restriction or self-harm.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know of all my shitty past relationships. I don’t know if I’ve written about this yet, but why not.

Radio silence sucks. It scares the hell out of me. What’s worse, is when you reach out, and you’re further ignored. Ethan and I never really had a radio silence problem, but Monster and I did.

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When I went home for winter break my sophomore year of college, Monster practically fell off the face of the earth. There I was, trying to figure out if I was going to be going to treatment the first time, and he was gone. Monster said he was going on some trip with no service. Checked Facebook, and he had service. My messages were ignored, and he never sent a message to initiate conversation. That was probably when I was my worst in my anorexia, because that silent treatment killed me. I didn’t know if he was okay or not and I knew I wasn’t okay.  I think that’s when I was eating only a snack in a day. If even that. I was at my lowest weight then, I believe. I starved myself for the two or three weeks where Monster was ignoring me.

With Captain America, who I’ve mentioned on here minimally, also gave me the silent treatment. Captain America was the guy who I used as training wheels after Monster. I knew Captain America was safe because he was Christian and a virgin. Captain America was great at spoiling me with gifts, but terrible at being there emotionally. Once summer came, it was as if I didn’t exist. He was always terrible at responding to texts, but over that summer, I swear as if I was dead to him. I would send a message and maybe get a response two days to a week later. We skyped a couple times, but only because I begged. It sucked. I felt meaningless. Captain America was triggering all those feelings that came up with Monster. Captain America and I broke up and I went back to treatment for the second time.

Right now, my sister is not exactly giving me the silent treatment, but if you’ve read some of my posts for the past month, you’ll know that we aren’t on good terms…at all. She practically pretends I’m not in the room when I’m there or ignores me when I speak, as if I don’t exist. This behavior is a more extreme version of what Monster and Captain America did, because it is triggering to me. There are times when I just want to restrict or cut or burn because it’s so overwhelmingly painful.

Today we made progress though! She acknowledged my existence again but still in a rude way. I asked her to go to the diner with me and she said, “No, fuck you.” It’s better than silence. Anything is better than silence.

Silence is deadly in relationships. I’ve stated a thousand times that communication is key and it is! The fact that my sister and I are at least having some type of dialogue is good, even if it’s rude. Ignoring someone, or just not talking never solves anything. It makes things worse.

So that’s why I told Cody to just check in with me. I know it’s just the weekend, but because I know how badly I can get triggered, I just let him know that radio silence was something that was triggering for me.

I do have a couple of things I might do this weekend though! Serena can’t hang, so I can’t hang with Brian. Or, I can, but because I know Cody is uncomfortable with it, I’m not going to hang out with Brian alone. I can see Brian on wednesday for Karaoke night at the bar with Serena and her bf. I might hang with some of Cody’s friends though! And I might go to NYC tomorrow to see a friend from my old school. I also might hang with some of the girls from treatment. Again, these are all options, and none set in stone. I also would be happy with just a weekend to myself. Me, my writing, my TV shows, and a nice long relaxing bath and a book to read.

I am an ENFJ, or and INFJ. Those are personality types. I am in the middle of introversion and extraversion. For me, I love to stay busy all the time and have plans with people. It’s just what I’m used to since college. I hate when I isolate or have no one to hang with. Of course, in college, I had a pattern of hanging out with people everyday and I was burned out by the weekend but I still went out clubbing. I did, however, take two days to myself to recharge, and that was satisfactory and could let me hang out with people nonstop for another week.

Since I’ve met Cody, it’s been go, go, go. Which I love! But, it’s nice to know that I can just choose to relax a bit if I want. I still am not sure if I am in the go, go, go mood or the “I just need to stay home” mood. Because if I’m not with Cody, I’m with Serena or some of her friends. Sometimes I just want to stay at home and watch some Grey’s and live vicariously through those characters! I know, maybe it’s lame, but it makes me happy sometimes.

This is a long post…again, I know. It’s just I’ve had so much on my mind and this past week was stressful and I barely had time to sit down to blog. I’m at the diner right now, and I’ve finished breakfast. I just got inspired to write some of my stories. I seem to always get inspired if I’m sitting in a room of crowded people. I think that’s why I like the Coffee Fox back at my old school. I would get inspired to write when I had writers block. I’ve had writers block since  a little bit before I met Cody, and for some reason I just have that urge to write something. Maybe this weekend I’ll pump out twenty new pages to one of my stories! That would be awesome.

XOXO Anna

Multi Family Group

In treatment, tuesday is the day to bring loved ones. Family, friends, partners. Lots of people yesterday brought people and had people who came to support them. It was strange for me to go to Multi-Family Group alone. I just hope next week someone will be free to come. Even my therapist outside of treatment said it would be good for me to know I have someone. Logically, I know my support system, but in treatment, they said that sometimes just having someone show up can make a difference.

XOXO Anna

Kind Of Used Symptoms…

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So if you read my previous post, you’ll know that I have anxiety about the whole bathing suit thing. I went and jogged on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Well, I jogged straight for 10 minutes, which is a huge improvement from two weeks ago. Then the rest of the time I switched between walk breaks and jogging and finished with a sprint. Warning this next sentence could be triggering.

I, in the end, burned 182 calories and ran a total of 1.6 miles. I know I need to get fit. I am not a runner, never was. I hate running actually, but we have a nice treadmill at home and I needed to feel like I had some kind of control over all this bullshit.

I know 182 is like having two bananas, but still I feel good about exercising. I think the fact that Cody and I have been having a lot of sex is what got me to be able to jog for 10 minutes straight. Sex is a good work out itself. But yeah, I went on the treadmill for the wrong reasons, but half way through I just let myself go at my own pace instead of pushing myself too hard.

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I kind of feel guilty about exercising, but at the same time I didn’t over do it. I just had the intense urge to exercise so I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself and my body image. I don’t know if I did the wrong thing by exercising… I also know I am not supposed to be counting calories. I am not counting food calories I’ve had, but knowing the amount of calories I’ve burned is also not good. I also want to weigh myself but if I do, I’ll stop eating then and there if the number isn’t what I want. Is it right for me to feel guilty over exercising? Or was it okay because it was a normal amount and I didn’t over do it?

XOXO Anna

Made Dinner

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It’s chicken noodle soup. Should be easy. It’s not. Fuck treatment. Fuck Eating. I’m angry, I’ve identified that emotion I was numbing. It’s pure anger and frustration. Damn body image issues, damn fucking refeeding syndrome, fuck it all. My parents aren’t here, I made dinner myself. I don’t know where my sister is, and I don’t want to ask her for help. I pray I actually finish this because I don’t want to go to treatment tomorrow feeling like a complete fucking failure.

XOXO Anna

Three Words, Eight Letters

The title refers to Gossip Girl’s Blair and Chuck. I love you. Three words, eight letters.

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Last night, Cody came over and hung out after we went to the beach with his friends, and while watching Short Term 12 (amazing movie by the way, check it out) we talked feelings. I showed him my posts from yesterday, he actually found my blog. He found my blog. I told him now that he does have full access and not the restricted access I did give him, that if he reads any of my posts, like older ones, that he tells me so we can discuss it. This blog is the equivalent to a closet, and the posts are the skeletons. That’s why this is an anonymous blog.

As we talked feelings, over the past couple days he had been hinting. He had said phrases like, “I think I can fall for you” and stuff. Well, last night he said those three words, eight letters to me. “I love you. I’m in love with you Anna.”

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My reaction was disbelief, since I am the queen of denial and not letting myself be happy. I was also shocked but under the surface of a possibly faceless expression I was happy. He also said that he had felt that way for a couple days, but didn’t want to say it too soon. I honestly can’t believe it. Again, feels too good to be true. He said it again today when I dropped off his phone at work when I was leaving.

I understand how big a step it is for someone to say those three words, eight letters. I told him, and took a huge fucking leap of faith here, that “I’m definitely falling for you.” I also explained all the reasons I knew I was falling. So here it goes, I admit I’m falling. Ain’t that just fucking great? haha yeah… I guess it might be time for me to break that vow I made to myself.

I, Anna, will allow myself to fall in love again. I allow myself to tell someone I love them when I feel it.

There, a new vow’s been made. I can’t wait for the day when I can actually say it.

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Today was also my first day back at treatment. It’s strange. Things have changed. There’s a new nutritionist, who I really like because of how accommodating she is. My favorite therapist is gone and that makes me sad. She did this group on body image one day about Barbie. I honestly loved that group. The girls this time are really nice. I really like them all. I even talked today in group. In Body Image we talked self esteem and positive self esteem and relationships. I admitted what Cody had said to me, I admitted other things that I was feeling and going through with my self esteem. They related. I felt like I wasn’t alone. It was nice.

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By the way, I apologize if this post seems very emotionally detached. This morning when writing down emotions before breakfast, I wrote, “Detached-Numb-Anxious”. I also am having issues with eating and pain. I think its gas or abdominal pain but it’s bad. I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow about it. Anyways, I did eat all my breakfast, and couldn’t get through lunch because of the pain.

As I stated earlier, I then dropped Cody’s phone off at work for him and he said those three words, eight letters. It was nice to hear. In treatment, I explained my feelings on it. I talked about how I don’t trust it. Notice my language there, it not him. I don’t trust the feeling not the person. I trust the person. I just…I’ve never been (romantically) loved. It’s hard for me to believe after all the fucked up crap I’ve gone through. But this summer, with therapy, and meeting Cody I’ve made a lot of progress. More than I ever thought I could.

One thing Cody said that meant the world to me was that he saw how strong I was. He thinks I’m strong. I like that. I don’t want to disappoint him. I told him I have my weak moments though. I warned him about my hypomanic-depressive shit. And I’ve been neutral to hypomanic since I met Cody. I was wondering when it would all come crashing down. Well, it did today. I was supposed to have my friends over tonight but they all cancelled, which triggered my depression. I’m definitely in a sad/depressed mood, but also numb and half detached at the same time. I hate this state, it’s uncomfortable. It makes me feel like a completely different person. I don’t feel like Anna. I feel like someone else. I am a person who feels things strongly so when I become this sad numb person it is so out of character.

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I also really want to cry. I also want to smash my baseball bat against the mattress in the attic but I don’t have the energy for that. I also can’t cry. I hate when I get this way. It’s like I’m sad, and I want to feel but I can’t. Like I am listening to my Sad/Suicial/Mad playlist and I am still not crying or feeling what I know I am feeling deep down, I just won’t let myself. I hate that.

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I’m supposed to hang with Cody later and go to his best friends girlfriends house for a bonfire or something. I said I would go, but my mood is taking it’s toll on me. Plus I haven’t eaten dinner…I have to fucking stupidly eat dinner. I can’t skip. I need the nutritionist to see I am trying. I need to be on her good side so when tough meals come along she will be more lenient. I feel fucked.

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First day always was the hardest for me. Plus my stomach pains are still half way there and I don’t want to eat if it means I’m going to be in pain again. I am so angry at the situation. I feel like I have no control, which in turn, makes me restrict so I have a sense of control. Trust me I psychoanalyze myself all the fucking time. I know what to do, I know what I am doing, and I know to kick my ass when I have the energy and confidence to do so.

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But as I said, I’m having a weak day. I am having a low day. I am having a day that I wouldn’t want Cody to know about or to witness. He says those three words, eight letters to me, but he hasn’t seen me in this depressed state. Fear. That emotion has been a constant emotion I’ve been dealing with lately. Rationally I know how fucking irrational it is to think that just because a person has a bad day it means people bail. I know. But emotionally I can’t get over the irrational fear.

Hoping that my mood switches before Cody gets here…

XOXO Anna

Back On Track!

So last week I totally started restricting. On purpose too. So my family and I talked about going back to treatment. I personally do not want to go back to treatment. I think I can handle getting back on track by myself since I’ve been to treatment twice. So I made a deal with my dad that if I could go two weeks eating normally then I wouldn’t have to go back to treatment, as long as I continued to obviously eat healthy and don’t over do the exercise. I am trying to get in 30 minutes a day of exercise on the treadmill.

So I came up with this plan to write down the meals I would be eating for the week. So far it’s been a good system. I’m going on day three of this system. The main reasons I started this board was because:

  1. I don’t want to go back to treatment
  2. I think I am strong enough to follow the board
  3. One day, when restricting, I went on the treadmill and after only eight minutes I almost puked and passed out which scared me.

I also am trying to have a high protein/veggie/fruit meal plan because in the past I’ve lacked on those foods. As I learned in treatment, “everything is healthy in balance.”

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So the picture above is what I’ve eaten and plan to eat for the rest of this weekend. Of course I didn’t write down snacks on the board because I left those “open” so I can feel free to choose whatever I might be in the mood for. Other than that or if something says “open” on the board I follow what I’ve written down. It’s also been helpful because my sister is following the board too, except since she is vegetarian she eats a vegetarian protein option instead of chicken. I am really thankful she is doing this with me because it makes it easier to follow when there’s someone else doing it with you.

Anyways hope you all are having a great weekend! I know I am 🙂

XOXO Anna

Happy Mother’s Day!

Hope all the moms out there are being spoiled by their loved ones! I got my mom a baking book by Martha Stewart that she had been looking for for ages! She is so happy, and we are planning on baking later today after she works in the garden. I think we might be making Chocalate Wafer Sandwhich Cookies.

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They look so good! I can’t wait to make them later today with her 🙂

XOXO Anna

Grocery Shopping and EMDR

I had put off grocery shopping for a while and finally went in today and got food. I was nervous though. I was very self conscious about my looks and what I was buying. I got what I needed to get and ate when I got home.

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I also had EMDR today and we started working on Owen. I think I was emasculating Owen the whole time we were “together.” With the memories that came up and the processing I realized that Owen probably was a lot more insecure than I originally gave credit and must have felt rejected by me the whole time.

Imagine this: You’re a thirty year old fit guy, who got cheated on by his wife years ago, and now are dating after getting back from the military. You date this pretty twenty year old college girl.  You think you’re the shit. She rejects your proposal to be your girlfriend. You give her the cold shoulder but you still see her. She doesn’t text you over her six week break. You see her relationship status changes for a short time. She comes back and she sees you the first day back. You try to make a move on her, be romantic, she says she has to get back to her sister. Another rejection. Next time you see her you both open up emotionally. You tell her you felt rejected when she said no to being a girlfriend. Talking about titles comes up and the next step.

Then you all know what happens next (for those new reading, he raped me). So today was the first session for Owen. I’m glad to be officially done with Monster. But it was very painful today. That session. It brought back so many memories. It brought back Owen’s dog Beau who I love and loved me. I got so attached to Owen’s dog.

I’m really nervous about the EMDR for Owen but I know it has to be done. I just hope I process through this quickly. I want to enjoy life again. Not be plagued by flashbacks and triggers and panic attacks. Hey, maybe one day I’ll date again.

XOXO Anna

Struggling in my recovery…

I am currently doing EMDR for my PTSD. I’ve finished working on Monster, and will be starting on Owen next week. With going through EMDR my emotions are heightened. I am extremely sensitive. With all these painful memories coming up and having to work through them, I’ve fallen back on my anorexia a bit.

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I’ve been struggling to get three meals in. I’ve been putting off eating or finding ways to avoid it. I am NOT proud of it. That’s why I’m writing about it. I feel if someone reads this, then they know I’m struggling and then I’m more accountable. I told my mom the other day I was struggling.

I am sadly going to admit that today was a real struggle. All I had was one Ensure around 11 and am now finally having some bagel bites. I am going out to a family friend dinner tonight so I will definitely eat a good balanced meal tonight. I honestly need to just go to a grocery store and buy food I know I’ll eat. I’ve been lazy. I admit it.

But that’s going to change. The last thing I need is to fall back into my anorexia. So trying to stay strong and eat normally!

XOXO Anna

Had a fun last day!

It was my last day in New Orleans and I had fun! Went to a voodoo shop, and walked around downtown, and drove around with the family. My sister and I went to an amazing restaurant and had dinner together then met up with our parents later in the evening. We all just got home and are packing so we don’t have to do anything in the morning.

I’ll be back in my apartment in the evening tomorrow. I can’t wait to see Luvas! I have missed him so much. It’s really crazy. Had a pretty decent spring break. Now I’m exhausted and am ready to pass out.

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XOXO Anna

Decided to go to that lunch

So I am putting all fears and bullshit aside and am going to have lunch with this guy. I am literally going to have lunch with someone. That shouldn’t be something to fear. Like, seriously. Yes it’s the first meeting so that’s scary, but overall, it’s a public place. Nothing is going to happen. Just two people sitting and talking. Simple. Well, yeah, I just have to tell that to myself a million times before I believe it. But hopefully it goes well- and by well I just mean a positive experience.

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XOXO Anna