Triggers During Pregnancy


I was extremely worried when I found out I was pregnant. I was scared that my anorexia (ED) would take over. If you’ve read my posts, you know I refer to my anorexia as ED. I still get ED attacks every so often. Not as often as I used to when I was really sick, but still when they happen they can be extreme. I had hot chocolate for the first time in…. maybe a year the other day. I absolutely had an ED attack. ED was telling me that because I drank hot chocolate I was going to be fat, so I had to eat salads for the rest of pregnancy. I know, it sounds crazy, even as I typed it. But when ED attacked, the scary thing is it seemed logical, rational. Luckily, Cody was there and calmed me down and grounded me and we talked through the irrational thought. I challenged myself by making sure I had hot chocolate again the next day, and also today, to de-stigmatize it. I still feel guilty that I drank it, but not horrible about myself.

Another trigger has been getting the classic pregnancy round stomach. There are days where I am happy about it, and I’ll  rub my stomach and talk to our unborn son, but there are days, when I feel so crappy about my body I don’t want Cody to see me. For the most part, I think I’ve been doing an amazing job with eating when I am hungry and doing my best to stay healthy. On the other hand, I feel guilty whenever I don’t eat a balanced meal.

I am nervous about post pregnancy and dealing with my body. I know that will be a challenge, but I am hoping that I can overcome it. I am taking one day at a time, and reminding myself that I have to nourish myself so our son can be healthy.



Who Knew an Apple Could Fix It

Last night I wanted an apple because Cody and I were too tired to cook by the time he got home from Parkour. He mentioned he was going to snack on an apple and I said that I wanted one too and he changed his mind about the apple after. I told him he didn’t need to cut me up an apple. With my anorexic ways, I guess I eat apples differently. I like them cut up with no skin on them.


Cody took out the apple and started searching for a knife to peel the skin off. I told him he really didn’t have to and that I could find something else. In my mind I didn’t want to burden him with it. I know my mom always got really annoyed when I ate apples because she didn’t like peeling them and all. So Cody found the knife and started peeling. He said he would eat the skin and peeled the whole apple and then cut it for me. He asked me if I liked them in smaller pieces and I said yes, so he cut them smaller.


For some reason that showed me that he loved me and cared about me. It was as if I suddenly felt loved again. With what Cody did, it felt very unloving. I figured out a lot yesterday because I wrote my feelings down. I realized that what I needed from Cody was to have him show me that he does love and care about me. He had no idea that cutting the apple would have such an impact. I told him afterwards and he was shocked. Hell, I was shocked. Suddenly that seemed to fix a lot. It really made me feel loved because he took care of me. He didn’t think of it as a burden, he just wanted me to eat. It meant a lot to me that he would do that. Maybe it means so much because I know my mom would get annoyed with me asking that. But no matter the reason, the point is I feel loved again. I feel like he respects me and that he does care.


Things are looking up for us, and hopefully with therapy later today it will just keep getting better.


Food, Family, and Luvas

I called Renfrew today to let them know I’m not coming back. I left a voicemail so I’ll get a call later today from them asking for an explanation probably.


Also last night sucked. I asked my mom to make me pasta, and well she made dinner for everyone else but me. Cody had to make me pasta after he found me crying. I also called my sister last night, and that was bad. See when growing up my mom would often forget to feed me, especially the carb part of the dinner. And once I knew I had anorexia my sister really stood up to my mom and told her that I needed carbs as much as any other food.


So I called her and asked how she was doing but she could tell I was crying and I told her mom was being mom. I proceeded to ask again what was going on with her. She then said the only reason she answered my call was to make sure no one died in my family and hung up on me.

That’s when I really cried and Cody came over and he made me food after I told him what happened.


Today has been better. I went to therapy and talked about it. When I got home I found out that Luvas got outside and I almost had a panic attack. He has gotten outside before and will often just hide in the bushes near the door and cry until I pick him up by the scruff and put him back in, but he had gotten out while I was out. My mom and I went outside and searched around the house. He was in the backyard hiding in the bushes near the bird feeder. When he heard me calling his name he started crying and that’s how I found him.


I was so scared. I noticed when he was inside that his eye was irritated because he kept it more shut than the other. Now I am hoping that he doesn’t have an infection or something. Luvas is supposed to be an indoor cat because I know I’m not going to be living in my parents house forever with a nice yard. When Cody and I move out to an apartment Luvas won’t be able to go outside because we won’t have a yard, not until Cody and I move into a house or something which would be years down the line, so I don’t want Luvas getting used to going outside when I know he won’t be able to when Cody and I eventually move out.


I am hoping that the rest of the week isn’t too hectic. We ended up having brunch yesterday with Cody’s dad, sister, and brother. That was really nice and tomorrow Cody and me are meeting his mom for happy hour. I’m really excited about that because I really like Cody’s mom!

Hope everyone has a good week! 🙂





It’s December!


Happy Holidays to everyone! I know it’s early but I am actually excited for Christmas this year. If you’ve read my blog, you would know that Halloween is my favorite holiday. I am not the biggest fan of Christmas. I love that it brings family together but this year my Christmas is going to be different.


For one thing I am using the money I earned to buy my gifts for people. I always used my parents money to buy gifts because I had none of my own, and honestly it feels really good to use my own money to buy things for others. I have gotten Cody three things so far. I got his sister and dad a gift  also. I still need to get his brother his gift, and Cody and I will do a combined gift for his mom. I have to get my granddad, mom, dad, and sister a present too.


I am excited because on Christmas morning after I open presents at my house, I’ll be heading to Cody’s house to spend the rest of Christmas with his family and open and give presents over there. I am nervous about my Christmas because my sister will be coming home.


If you’ve read my blog you know the situation with my sister, if not, read this. That is the first post I made about the situation with my sister. Lots has happened since that first post. My sister is finally coming home with that guy that she met online and stayed with. Also they are a couple now. So that’s new. She won’t talk to me still. Ignores all my texts. So I am terrified for her to come home. I just hope she doesn’t ignore me.


Cody has to stay at his house while she is here. That was her condition for coming home. If things get too hectic at my house I’m going to stay with Cody at his house while she is here. Cody is more than welcome to come over whenever my sister and her boyfriend go to NYC for the day. I am excited for Cody to meet my granddad. I hope they like each other.

I am not very materialistic and the things I would like for Christmas are probably near impossible to have. I miss my sister and I miss our relationship and how things used to be. All I want for Christmas is for me and my sister to be on better terms.


I am truly excited though to be spending Christmas with Cody’s family. It will be so nice to just be with Cody on Christmas 🙂


Not Even Five Minutes Home And…


I walk through the door and I ask how last night went with talking to my sister. They gave me the vaguest bullshit answer, and I demanded specifics after like three times of asking. My dad went further into it, and I was at least happy they talked to her. Apparently she didn’t really talk back, and is being pretty much silent to them. My mom explained that if in two days she doesn’t decide what she’s doing, then they are going to I think shut her cell service off. At least my mom is being a hard-ass.


But I comment on how everything I bought my sister wasn’t in the kitchen and I asked if she threw it away or took it. They figured she took it upstairs. I then opened the snack drawer where my smartfood was and half the bag was gone, as expected, and I commented, “Hey dad, can you not eat the rest of this? Or if you do, can you go get more?” My dad responded in an annoyed tone with, “Who is paying for that? You can’t tell me I can’t have any more of it. Next time you should buy two or three bags if you’re worried about me eating it. Okay?”


I swallowed, and held my tongue, knowing if I lost it on my dad everything would be worse so I said, “Okay, you’re right.” I’ve never felt so submissive. I hated that. I didn’t want to even fight for it. I just gave up. That reminds me of the person I was back in middle school when I feared this girl, Skyler, and she ruled over everyone.


If I had the fight in me I would have explained why I wanted him not to eat it, because of the anxiety I get going into the grocery, but I think he would laugh it off or something. I don’t know, but I know that only five minutes of getting back to my house and I am craving a safety pin. That’s really sad. I was hoping that coming back from Cody’s, everything would be a bit calmer today or… I don’t know. I’m just feeling really discouraged and submissive, which I hate. I just can’t take anymore anger or negative emotions directed at me or I will break.



I want to scream, and cry, and hit my baseball bat against the mattress in the attic, but I know if I try to express any “negative” emotion my mom will burst through the door and tell me to stop. That’s really annoying because there’s a reason I restrict, drink excessively, or cut or burn. It’s because I am trying to express my emotions, or numb them. If I can’t express my emotions in a healthier way I will end up turning to my bag habits.

Also, with all the shit I went through yesterday, I ate and didn’t restrict at all! I am seriously proud of myself, plus since my period is coming, I am feeling bloated too, but I stayed strong and ate knowing that’s what I’m supposed to do.

I am shocked at how low my mood got since I got in my house. I seriously feel like I’m back in middle school or high school or something. I am honestly shocked that I made it through that period without self-harming or other extreme measures with all the bullying.


I am trying so hard to stay on track, but being in this house is killing me.


Frew Girls


Today in treatment I had a pretty good day. I was invited to hang out with them later when a couple of them are going to get tattoo’s. I am pretty excited to go see that and support them. They are also having a sleepover after, which I said I couldn’t do because of family stuff tomorrow. Honestly I just am not up for sleepovers with a bunch of girls. I love them and they all rock, but I just… for me having sleepovers with girls just brings up bad memories from my days in middle school.


Today Cody was a hot topic with them which was really funny. One girl, who we’ll call Hannah, asked how the concert was and I explained it to her and she said it was sweet of him to have protected me. Some other girls asked about something that I can’t reveal on here yet, and they died a bit inside. Hannah also asked if I ever saw myself marrying Cody. I responded with what Cody has said to me before, that if in two years we’re still together and happy and stuff then yeah, I’d accept a proposal and the girls who I was talking to all just seemed floored. Hannah was so shocked at how quickly and confidently I answered, and then I began to think about it and I was shocked. I guess I just answered like that because Cody’s talked about it before and idk. Hannah was saying that if she was with a guy for five years she still wouldn’t know if she wanted to be with them. I think after five years you would get a sense of if you want to be with them or not.

But then at lunch Cody was again the topic of discussion. Other girls were asking about the concert. One girl asked how long Cody and I have been together and when I said only like two months she responded with, “I thought you guys have been together for years.” I laughed and continued talking about the concert. They also needed me to explain moshing. That was funny.


So I had a pretty good day at treatment. I am excited to join them later for the tattoo thing. If I had the money and knew exactly what I wanted, I’d get one too today…but… I wanna think about it a bit more before I do it. Plus I am sure my parents wouldn’t be too happy with it either.

Hope the day continues to go well!


Trying to Process…

There’s so much to write…at the moment I’m not exactly good. I am not in a good mental state, as in, I’m currently writing while I’ve been triggered to Monster. But before I get to that, let’s start with last night.


Last night I had a friend come over while Cody was here. We got to catch up and talk and it was nice. Then Cody and I went to the gay bar to meet up with people. Serena was there, and we talked and we seem to be on better terms. I was drinking and having fun, dancing with Cody’s friends. There was a point in the night where I couldn’t find Cody. It was after one of his drunken friends was dancing with me a little… too closely I guess. I just felt like Cody wouldn’t have been cool with it, and I couldn’t find him. I eventually gave up and kept dancing. I later found out Cody had left the bar because one of his friends took him for a ride in his nice car. That… I don’t know. I guess I would have liked to know Cody was going to leave rather than freak out because I couldn’t find him and feel scared.


Last night is kind of foggy because of I guess emotions and how emotional I eventually got. Things tend to blur when I get over emotional ever since my trauma’s.


I eventually found Cody and got him on the dance floor and everyone was having fun. I don’t remember how Cody left the dance floor but he did. I remember later that night Cody was outside the gay bar with friends, while two of his guy friends were with me on the dance floor. We were having fun until it got a little too close for comfort. One guy in front of me, the other behind me, both grinding up on me. I knew Cody would not be happy with that. It made me feel uncomfortable. I got out of it after a bit and I did tell Cody.


As people were leaving, Cody and I were going to leave. One of his girl friends, she tried to kiss me before I left. I pulled away. Cody’s mouth dropped open and begged me to kiss her. That made me feel like fucking crap. I got really angry with him. The girl friend understood where I was coming from when I told her I didn’t want to kiss her. There are many reasons I didn’t kiss her.




  1. To me it’s cheating. I don’t care if its a guy trying to kiss me or a girl. If I do anything physical with another person it’s cheating.
  2. Cody was watching. It felt… gross. It brought up a lot of Ethan memories. (Ethan once had a chance at a threesome while we were together after Peter. He didn’t take it, but knowing that that was his fantasy made me always feel like I was never enough, so last night brought out those emotions)
  3. What if I ended up liking it? Not that it would be a bad thing, but when in a relationship there’s a reason you don’t do things like that. It can seriously fuck up a relationship.


Cody and I talked. He apologized. I was definitely off when we got back to my house. I think we talked again a little. We were then in a good place, and we had sex. But see this time was different. Way different. The first time I felt this was when I wrote this post. That night it really hit me that I couldn’t just push away emotions and stuff.


But last night, when Cody and I were having sex, well, let’s just say last night was my favorite time. Not to say all the other times weren’t awesome, but last night… it felt…special. And yeah, I feel like  a stupid sap for writing that and feeling that, but it was really different. Maybe because we made a lot more eye contact, or that we were talking during sex. I mean, I enjoyed that. It did make it feel more intimate. More like I’m a person. There were things said by Cody and it just…it made it so much…more meaningful. Knowing his thoughts and feelings while having sex, I mean, can it get any better than that?

I’ll mention only one thing that he said, because the other stuff, that’s just for me. I don’t want to share that with anyone else. But he told me, while we were having sex, that it wasn’t just sex, it was ….making love. *shudders*

Don’t take that shudder as in I think it’s a bad thing. It’s so not. The fact he feels that way means …a lot. I’ve felt that way since that post I wrote about my feelings that I linked earlier in this post.

See, the whole making love thing…it brings up a lot for me. Hence why I got so… idk. Hearing him say that, while having sex, well that just blew my mind. I just don’t want anyone to think I’m cheesy for the whole making love thing versus sex. It’s true though. There is a huge fucking difference between sex and making love, at least to me. Sex is sex. It’s meaningless. It’s exercise. Making love… that’s intense. Passionate. Caring. Respectful. Meaningful.

Cody finished and I didn’t. I went to the bathroom because I was seriously emotional. See, I read somewhere that what someone says during sex is meaningless because it’s said in the heat of the moment and the person may not mean what they’re saying. So, with everything Cody did say to me during sex, and with that thought that it could have been meaningless, that got me down. I was going to finish myself, and Cody came in and he said he would try and help me get there. I just couldn’t get that thought out of my head that what was said could have been meaningless so I told Cody I just didn’t want to finish.


Cody knew something was up with me. I honestly couldn’t voice what was going on in my head for a long time. The fear of judgement or rejection just paralyzed me. I didn’t want to be looked at as emotional, and a girl, and weak, or stupid or anything else negative. I just was scared. Emotions are scary at times, as I’ve probably written many times on my blog. I eventually got Cody to figure it out because I wasn’t going to just fucking say it, I couldn’t. He got there and assured me he meant it all. That made me feel better. The reason I was so scared was because I didn’t want to hear that what he said wasn’t true, because I let myself believe it was true, until I remembered what I read about people saying things they don’t mean during sex. But it was nice to know that Cody meant everything.

We ended up going to bed at 5 AM and Cody had work today. We woke up at 9:30 this morning and went out for breakfast. I was quiet during breakfast because there were so many thoughts going through my head. I was re-playing events from last night in my head, trying to process it all. Still trying, as I’m writing this.

Breakfast this morning, Cody ate. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but he struggles to eat, not because of an eating disorder, but because he gets nauseous easily. He ate everything on his plate. I was happy that he finally was able to eat. I ate half my belgian waffle. We were driving back to my house, and Cody said he felt like he was going to puke. I asked if he needed me to pull over and at first he said no, then at a stop light he said yes. I pulled into a parking lot parked the car and Cody got out and started puking.



That triggered me beyond belief. I had to turn my music up loud because I was triggered. I stupidly looked at Cody when he first bent over and puked. After that I was a goner. I shut my eyes, covered my ears with my hands, blasted the music and prayed for it to be over soon. If you’ve read my posts about Monster, you will know that before Monster raped me I puked. I also once was having a flashback back at school after a party one night and a friend started puking and it made my flashbacks worse. I didn’t know where I was. It was scary. So, every time I see or hear someone puke I get crazy triggered. Plus, I have anorexia, so seeing someone eat so well and then puke it up so soon after just kind of made me scared and uncomfortable.

I don’t blame Cody at all nor am I upset at him. I just feel bad that he felt so sick. I wish he hadn’t. But I am doing okay, now as I’ve written everything out. But for a while I just was so scared after the puking. I mean, Cody opened the door and touched me and I screamed. He was just asking me to get him some water, but that’s how triggered I was. Cody was late for work today, and I really hope he doesn’t get chewed out. I feel bad about that. Also with the puking, it made me want to puke, not because I wanted to get rid of food, but because seeing someone puke or hearing it makes me feel so sick. I knew though if I puked, then I’d … I don’t know, freak out even more than I already was.

So this morning hasn’t been the best… but I am doing better. I am watching Dexter right now to try to relax. I just hope Cody feels okay.  Gosh, so much has happened within the past 24 hours. Trying to process it all. Allow myself to feel. Cody helps a lot though with that. The fact that he voices his feelings, wishes, thoughts, desires, plans first makes me feel comfortable with acknowledging to myself I feel that, and then it allows myself to accept I feel it, and then I finally gather the courage to voice my feelings. So it’s a process to get me to the point where I can say what I’m feeling, but with Cody always taking lead, it really helps me. I mean, I get he knows a lot about relationships and healthy relationships and what they are supposed to be like. I am still learning what a healthy relationship is supposed to be and what it feels like. I am glad he is teaching me though.



Sometimes I just feel like an abused puppy from an animal shelter though because I can be so skittish or shy or cautious. It took my dog Rusty a year to finally accept that we loved him and weren’t going to hit him. Abuse can really take a toll on the soul. It takes time, and reassurance, and consistency to finally break free from all the fear that one has from an abusive past. I am just glad that Cody is so good at reassuring me, and doesn’t get annoyed with me, and that he is consistent! Consistency truly is key with me, and the fact that he is consistent is probably one of the reasons why I have come this far with my progress regarding relationships, emotions, and trust.