Feeling Like Crap

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So one of Cody’s friends said to him a while ago no one wants to hang out with him anymore because we fight sometimes and stuff. Then last night when I asked one of his friends why they didn’t invite Cody, he replied with “why is his vagina hurt?”

I was insulted that his friend insulted Cody but also the way he was insulting Cody, by using a women’s body part as if that’s something bad. So I stood up for Cody and said that it was a misogynistic to say that and said he would lose his girlfriend if he used language and insults like that.

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His friend then came back and said some really mean stuff to me, Cody defended me. The thing is, when I met Cody, he couldn’t identify feelings, used language like: cunt, whore, bitch, slut, and he was very immature. Cody has matured, doesn’t use degrading language like that anymore, and actually wants to talk about real issues, and his friend says he can’t recognize Cody anymore. That I’ve “warped his mind,” and that I’m, “crazy.”

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I talked to Quick Silver yesterday about Cody’s sister. But then last night texted him about how I really needed to talk to him about last night with Cody’s friend. So today I’ll be calling Quick Silver. I really miss Quick Silver. He has always been a really good friend, and sometimes it sucks that he is in GA and I’m not.

So it’s been damn stressful this week with people. I seriously feel like crap and that I’m the reason people don’t like Cody.

XOXO Anna

Fucking Cheaters

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My god does no one know how to keep it in their pants? Or actually talk to their partner? Or like actually love their partner? My friend from SCAD, my roommate, she her boyfriend cheated on her twice, with two different girls. That’s what led them to breakup months ago and I’m just finding out about the cheating.

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Now Cody and I have two friends who have broken up because of the cheating. Plus a porn account requested to follow Cody’s instagram which brought up old wounds…which wouldn’t have been as bad if I hadn’t been talking about cheating with my friend. *sigh*

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Worst part is the guy who cheated on her, he is fucking not letting her go. He was holding her hand and putting his arm around her because he got jealous that she was moving on with another guy!

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I want to curl up under the covers, cry, and not come out because the world makes me sad.

XOXO Anna

LARP and an Old Friend

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Live Action Role Play… I’ve never done it but Cody is into it. So Cody hasn’t done it in a while, because the games seemed to conflict with things we’d scheduled for. Cody wants to get back into it, which is fine. He wants me to go to one also just to try it. So I looked at the game schedules and there are 13 weekends of games that Cody will be going to,so I hope Cody enjoys them, but now I have 13 weekends where I have free…that means who the hell am I hanging out with? Serena? Well, in the summer there will be plenty of people to go party and drink with. Or I could write? I don’t know. I’ll figure it out. I really wish I actually tried harder to make friends at my new school now… but even if I did they are in the city which I wouldn’t want to take a train into the city just to see a friend.

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Oh also I reconnected with a childhood friend, and he goes to NYU and is curating a show this weekend. Cody agreed to stay on friday and go with me and leave saturday morning for LARP. I think Cody is just scared that my old friend will hit on me 😛 but seriously no.We will call him Michael. I am not even sure I’ll even like Michael as a friend anymore.I haven’t seen him since I was eight years old and I’m twenty-two. Lots has changed. But if we do end up hitting it off then maybe he and I will hang out occasionally and I’ll actually be able to say I have a friend in the area.

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I guess it’s times like these that make me realize how my hometown feels like it’s not mine. It’s really Cody’s. He has his friends and memories here. I have memories but not many friends, plus they don’t live around here anymore. My life really was back in Savannah, GA. But Cody and I are building a life together here… I just sometimes feel like I don’t fit in. These friends of his are his friends, not mine. Sure I know them, I’ll talk to them, and occasionally hang with them, but they aren’t my friends. Not yet…if ever. If I went to school where I live instead of the city I would hopefully have friends too. It’s just everyone at my school either knows each other because they went to high school together or they started in freshman year together. Being a transfer student is hard…

XOXO Anna

Family Dinner, Hot Temper, and Critisisms

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Monday night Cody and I went to his sister birthday dinner. Their mom and grandparents were there. On the way to dinner Cody and I got in a fight about his driving. Then at dinner Cody was still angry and when he passed my phone to me his sister had texted me. She said something that shocked me and I couldn’t believe she said that so I laughed. Cody thought I was laughing at him, and he knocked my phone out of my hand. Everyone at the table was shocked.

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I was not happy about Cody’s temper. Yesterday when I got back from the city we went to our favorite bar and we talked about his temper and why he lost it. I had to play therapist because if I asked him why he got mad he would shrug. I had to ask questions that made him think deeper than the superficial level. I am not trying to say Cody cannot get to a deeper level of realization, I’m just saying he needs a push to get there.

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I also had my police and abnormal psych exams yesterday. When I told my dad that I had to guess on five questions my dad said, “Why didn’t you know the answers? You need to study harder.” I studied a lot. Cody did end up helping me monday night with studying which I appreciated, because in my last post I was writing about how he didn’t help me.

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Then yesterday I told Cody that Serena wanted to hang out with me soon. I said possibly it would be friday. I’ve let him have two guys nights where I stay in and do my own thing while he enjoys his friends. I got annoyed and upset when he said he would go out with his friends that night then too. I got annoyed because I already have issues with guys nights, because of past experiences, and it took  a lot for me to give him two guys nights within a short time period. I told him I just don’t want to be anxious while I’m out with Serena, which he understood. But before he got to the understanding point, he called me controlling and said he didn’t have any freedom. That comment has stuck with me, and I feel like shit.

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I know I should trust him, but there are times where my mind is very irrational and I worry. I worry about him either drinking too much or cheating (which I know he wouldn’t do). But I just… bleh. That comment really hurt me. So from now on I am going to do my best to just not worry about that. I am going to let him go out with his friends for guys night whenever. Even if I’m not totally okay with it I want to be able to let him go out. I don’t want to come off as controlling. Cody did apologize for saying that and said he didn’t mean it, but I feel like he secretly did mean it.

XOXO Anna

Unplanned

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So we hung out with Cody’s friend. We ended up getting dinner. Then we suggested getting drinks and hanging at my house. I was dropped off, and they’re getting drinks. So instead of tonight being a Cody and me night watching netflix, it will be a bro’s night and I’ll write, or continue blogging, or watching netflix on my own I guess.

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I mean, Cody’s friend leaves at the end of the week and he is cool. Though at dinner tonight I felt totally fucking invisible. I mean, they could have been on a date. So yeah, maybe another night this week Cody and I will do us. But yeah, his friend is cool.

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I’m just guna drink, maybe Skype with a friend in Savannah, and pass the fuck out.

XOXO Anna

Can’t Believe It

 So Cody and I are going to be hanging out with his best friend this afternoon so they can to take pictures of cars for their instagram blogs. I had told Cody awhile ago that his friends weren’t mine. I met them through Cody so they’re his friends right? That’s how I thought of it.

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But when Cody told his friend that I might be joining them in looking for cars, his friend said, “Sure that’s fine, I miss her lol”

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I can’t believe that his friend said that. That really actually means a lot to me. It means his friend likes me. Not that his friends don’t like me, but it was just nice to hear that. It made me feel like maybe I do have people who like me here where we live. It’s nice to know.

XOXO Anna

Got Grilled

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Yesterday I hung out with one of my gay best friends. He is amazing with shopping and my mom told him that we could spend $2,000 on a new wardrobe for me. Because of my anorexia I have issues with shopping and getting clothes, especially if they aren’t fitted. So we got lunch before shopping, and I told him about Cody and I, and how serious we were. The second I mentioned marriage I got grilled beyond belief. I told him why I wanted to marry Cody one day and my friend accepted the answer after my explanation. In the  end my friend said that someone had to grill me to make sure I was sure about Cody and my future.

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I’m actually siting on Cody’s lap right now… he wanted to spend more time with me before he went to game. It’s really sweet, and I like having him here while I blog and write. I now understand why he loves it when I go to check up on him when he is gaming. I like having him here, just his presence is calming.

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Tonight I think I’m hanging out with Serena and she is going to give me her clothes that she has outgrown. Then she is going to help me dye my hair brown again. It’s been fading to like a dirty blonde and I want it back to the color when I met Cody. Plus school starts on the 29th and I want my hair to be brown again before I start there.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend so far!

XOXO Anna

 

Day 8

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India is mad at me. The past couple days I’ve given her space, as in trying not to be at the house. She is mad because I haven’t been around. I only did that because she was crying the other night and really upset at dad and me.

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No matter what I do, it’s wrong. I don’t know how I can please her, or make her understand that I love her and care about her. Our family friend just arrived and now India is hanging out with her.

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There’s only two days left with India in town and I don’t know what to do to make things right before she leaves.

XOXO Anna

Getting into the holiday spirit

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Today some of Cody’s gifts arrived and my mom is also wrapping presents too. Though my mom and I have been getting into disagreements lately, today has been nice spending time with her and wrapping presents.

Also last night’s hangout with Cody’s mom and her boyfriend went really well. Had lots of fun, and she even asked Cody for my cell number! I really hope I can hang out with her one on one sometime.

Hope everyone is enjoying getting ready for the holidays!

XOXO Anna

Food, Family, and Luvas

I called Renfrew today to let them know I’m not coming back. I left a voicemail so I’ll get a call later today from them asking for an explanation probably.

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Also last night sucked. I asked my mom to make me pasta, and well she made dinner for everyone else but me. Cody had to make me pasta after he found me crying. I also called my sister last night, and that was bad. See when growing up my mom would often forget to feed me, especially the carb part of the dinner. And once I knew I had anorexia my sister really stood up to my mom and told her that I needed carbs as much as any other food.

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So I called her and asked how she was doing but she could tell I was crying and I told her mom was being mom. I proceeded to ask again what was going on with her. She then said the only reason she answered my call was to make sure no one died in my family and hung up on me.

That’s when I really cried and Cody came over and he made me food after I told him what happened.

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Today has been better. I went to therapy and talked about it. When I got home I found out that Luvas got outside and I almost had a panic attack. He has gotten outside before and will often just hide in the bushes near the door and cry until I pick him up by the scruff and put him back in, but he had gotten out while I was out. My mom and I went outside and searched around the house. He was in the backyard hiding in the bushes near the bird feeder. When he heard me calling his name he started crying and that’s how I found him.

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I was so scared. I noticed when he was inside that his eye was irritated because he kept it more shut than the other. Now I am hoping that he doesn’t have an infection or something. Luvas is supposed to be an indoor cat because I know I’m not going to be living in my parents house forever with a nice yard. When Cody and I move out to an apartment Luvas won’t be able to go outside because we won’t have a yard, not until Cody and I move into a house or something which would be years down the line, so I don’t want Luvas getting used to going outside when I know he won’t be able to when Cody and I eventually move out.

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I am hoping that the rest of the week isn’t too hectic. We ended up having brunch yesterday with Cody’s dad, sister, and brother. That was really nice and tomorrow Cody and me are meeting his mom for happy hour. I’m really excited about that because I really like Cody’s mom!

Hope everyone has a good week! 🙂

XOXO Anna

 

 

 

Back to Treatment

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I haven’t been eating for the past two weeks except for maybe a meal a day. I’ve lost weight. My heart rate is low. I am not sure how I feel about all this.

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I am super not happy about any of this. But I can’t get myself to eat. Cody had to leave work today to go get lunch with me so I would eat. Which I did, a bit, before I got nauseous. I am hungry now, but don’t want to eat.

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I am so sick of this disorder.

XOXO Anna

It’s been rough

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Monster’s anniversary was really rough last week. Last monday I will admit I was suicidal. I was actually going to do something but Cody walked into my bedroom and saw me crying. I told him everything and he has been amazing this past week. Things with my sister still aren’t good. I figure my depression is from things being so strained with my sister and some PTSD stuff with Monster.

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I reached out to a friend tonight and talked to her and told her everything that’s been going on with me and it helped a lot. It was really nice to talk to someone who understands and who made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

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Tonight I am at Cody’s house with him and his brother. His brothers friend and boyfriend are joining too, and they are all going to play Fallout 4. Apparently it’s some big game that gamers have been waiting for. It is released at midnight. I don’t game, so I’ll be blogging or watching netflix or writing or reading. But it’s nice. Everyone is here, and honestly being around everyone now just makes me feel better. This is the kind of hangouts I like, where its chill, at someone’s house, everyone is just hanging out, and having fun.

XOXO Anna

Jobs, A Jealous Ex, Family Get Togethers, and Moving On Up

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I know I haven’t posted in what seems like forever, but that’s because I have been working at my new job! I am a waitress at this diner, and I’ve been in training and tomorrow is my first day as a real waitress. When in training I didn’t get the tips from the tables I worked so tomorrow I will actually be making tips! Kinda really excited!

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Also the other night we got together at a bar, Cody, me, his mom, his sister and brother. His grandparents were supposed to come but they didn’t. But when Cody’s siblings left, Cody and me stayed behind to hang out with his mom and we ended up having an awesome time. Cody’s mom said she loves me! Cody’s mom approves of me!! Seriously happy about that. Also Cody’s mom never liked Cody’s ex who we will call…Siena, so that made me happy too. AND Cody’s mom told us that Cody’s breathing issues could be genetic, so she said if Cody and I planned to have kids to look into that. All I would need is two shots during the pregnancy, but again, the fact that his mom talked about him and me having kids must mean she approves and everything. She said she really likes us together!!! Sorry just super happy from that night!

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Also side note to what I’m talking about above, Cody’s ex Siena, has been really talking to him a lot and wanting to get together with him. Also there is proof that she is trying to make him doubt Cody and I. So for me, since I’ve had bad experiences with girls in the past, I got really upset. Usually in the past, if any girl wanted a guy I was after or had, I usually just walked away the second they showed interest because I knew they would “win”. So this was the first time I actually stood up and fought back and stayed instead of walking away. I told Cody that if she kept contacting him that much that he needed to tell her to give him some space. He respected that. THAT meant the world to me. Because I don’t deal well with manipulative bitches. Yes there’s anger. I apologize but I don’t take well to a girl trying to make the guy doubt me. I would post the pics of the conversation but then it gives identities away so I’ll just re-type the convo so you guys know what I mean.

(these conversations are anywhere from the first month of dating to last week. I’ll start off with the conversations that were earlier in our relationship and below are all gifs of the emotions I’ve experienced due to Siena)

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[Back in the summer when I was in treatment]

Siena: Can you text me later when your not with Anna? I want to ask you something but it’s kinda personal.

Cody: ok

[later]

Siena: I just wanted to ask if your getting really serious with Anna…like I know it’s None of my business and you don’t have to tell me. But have you had sex with her?

Cody: yeah, we are getting really serious and I’ve already considered a long term relationship with her. And yes, we have had sex.

Siena: Okay I was just curious because it seemed like you were getting serious

————

Okay so my side note on that convo is that it truly was NONE of her business. Whether Cody and I had had sex is between CODY AND ME. Not her. So I wasn’t too happy when I knew Cody told her. That was the first time that Siena really upset me and it made me feel uncomfortable.

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[maybe month two of Cody and my relationship]

Siena: How’s Anna?

Cody: She’s good. I’m about to go on break with her.

Siena: What do you mean go on break with her?

Cody: I’m going on break right now to go to lunch with her.

Siena: Oh hahah I thought you meant like vacation

—————

This one my friend back from GA thought was really funny. She told me this was her favorite because Siena thought Cody meant break as in break up. Sorry sweetie but that ain’t happening.

———————

[week or so later]

Siena: How’s Anna?

Cody: She’s good

Siena: That’s good. Do you wanna hang out tomorrow around 11 or 12?

Cody: I got work in (location) 😦

Siena: Aww okay haha

———————————-

[week later]

Siena: Morning 🙂

Cody: Good morning

Siena: Whattchaaa doing

Cody: I’m with Anna and I’m about to go to work

———–

So I am sorry but NO ONE texts “Morning :)” to someone unless they’re in a relationship with that person. I never even did that with Cody (because he was always over) but with all my other relationships they would always text me “Morning :)” because what does a morning text say???? That when I wake up you’re who I’m thinking about. You’re the first thing I think of in the morning. So wasn’t happy about that. But Cody does admit she is getting jealous.

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[When I gave Cody that surprise in the ferrari]

Siena: How are you and Anna?

Cody: We’re doing well, we’re gonna have a nice dinner tomorrow night and she’s got a surprise planned for me on sunday. I have no idea what we’re gonna do.

Siena: That sounds like a lot of fun. Where are you going to dinner? Is it like an anniversary or something?

Cody: No, she just wanted to do something nice.

Siena: Do you have any idea what the surprise is?

Cody: No, she says there’s two things we’re gonna do. I have no idea.

Siena: Let me know if it’s not too personal what she does hahah

——————–

I don’t like the last thing she said but it’s whatever.

—————————-

[month or so ago]

Siena: Cody are you really happy with Anna (8:38 pm)

Siena: You seem it and I’m really happy for you 🙂 (8:43 pm)

Cody: I really am thanks for asking 🙂

Siena: Good I’m glad 🙂

—————-

This one I put in because the time stamp in which Siena texted those two things shows that she got nervous when Cody didn’t reply, so she had to go and seem like she was happy for us.

——————–

[last week first day of my job]

Siena: Hey

Cody: Hey

Siena: What’s up

Cody: At home depot, getting paint what’s up with you?

Siena: hahahah right across the street. I’m at the preschool.

Cody: haha oh cool

Siena: I get out in like 10 minutes. Wanna meet somewhere? haha

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Yeah wasn’t too happy to come home from work to know that.

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Anyways, I sent all those texts to my friend in GA and she understand how girls work and she was laughing when she read them. She says that my worries about Siena being jealous and trying to plant seeds of doubt are reasonable. Also her roommate totally agreed with me that the girl was like way too into Cody and I and there had to be an ulterior motive.

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Cody, once I got the courage to tell him all this and make my case, agreed with me too. Cody agrees she is jealous. But Cody thinks Siena is too stupid to be able to manipulate. I told him it was subconscious or it was inadvertent. He agreed. That’s when I told him if she keeps texting him to hang out or about Cody and me that he needs to tell her to give him some space, because in all honesty it’s making me uncomfortable.

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And my friend in GA even knew that I had kinda cut back on talking with Ethan (my first love). How did she know that? Maybe Ethan told her? But seriously I gave up a lot of contact with Ethan and other guys because I knew it made Cody uncomfortable, so I figured the least he could do is do the same for me. Also when Ethan was with his next girlfriend after me, he told me to give him space so he could see if he and that girl could be together and work things out. Did I take offense? As a friend no, I totally got that. But because I honestly still deep down wished he wanted me, yeah that part of me wasn’t happy but I got it. And I truly care about Ethan, so if I care, I’ll give him space and let him do what he needs to do. That’s a true friend. I didn’t play the whole jealous ex thing. I did as Ethan asked and respected it.

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But anyways, I totally got side tracked with that. Cody was at Home depot because he and I are not moving out of the house, but moving into the attic of my parents house. Our attic has a bedroom, bathroom, and hang out room, so it’s like a mini apartment or suite. It’s really nice, but it really does need to be painted.

Last night was pretty rough though. Cody and I weren’t on the same page about things plus I got triggered. Not a fun night. I even said to Cody that I was giving him an out, as in here’s another chance to leave with no hard feelings, but he said he didn’t want it, that all he wanted was me… so that was really fucking sweet. But we’re good now. I still can’t believe his mom likes me so much! That makes me happy, and I want to hang out with her because she is really fun! Plus Cody hung out with my mom the other day. He works for my parents company and so my mom told him to join her to go Maserati car shopping with her. I was so jealous! But yeah, I’m glad my mom likes Cody. I’m glad that my family likes Cody and that his family likes me! In my past relationships that’s never happened so I’m happy about that.

Anyways, hope everyone’s having a good day and I will try to actually blog more, just I haven’t had time lately.

XOXO Anna

California Enacts “Yes Means Yes” Law

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Yes Means Yes

That’s the article I just read. Honestly I am not sure what to think about it. I’m glad it’s gotten people talking but I am not sure the “yes means yes” is as good as it seems. There’s pro’s and cons to this law. What is good is that it’s acknowledging that women and men who get assaulted don’t always have the courage to say no and that silence is not consent. Sometimes they are being threatened or are too scared or aren’t really conscious or are wasted out of their minds.

I have to say though, this law does present some issues that people commented on. What if the person said yes but was coerced? That’s just one thought. And how would one prove that verbal consent was given, and under what circumstances?

I am lucky enough to have a boyfriend who asks me if I’m okay with having sex before it happens, or while we are making out. He even will check in with me during sex at times because he knows my history of sexual assault and being raped two times, and knows that sometimes while we are in the middle of having sex I could change my mind about continuing, and when I do, he gets off me and we get dressed.

I know that some people have commented that it’s ridiculous to ask every time before you have sex, but what’s the harm? Maybe it’s not “sexy” but it’s respectful.

What are your opinions on this new law? I still want to read more about it so I can make an informed decision and opinion.

XOXO Anna

Panic

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I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I ended up drinking too much last night because I wanted to see if I could remember anything from that night with Monster.

There’s a lot going on right now with my sister missing/running away, school, and it being that time of year when I reported Monster.

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I know I have to keep it together. I know that, but at the same time I feel like I haven’t been. I feel like I’ve been letting everyone (mom, dad, Cody) down because I have been crying or I’ve been more likely to be triggered. I feel like a failure in truth. Maybe I am being too hard on myself, it’s one of the things I do best. But I am just seriously stressed.

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I know Cody loves seeing me happy, and I love being happy, and lately its been harder to be at the level of consistant happiness that I was before my sister ran away. There are days where I seem fine and then suddenly something happens and I cry, or my mood shifts and it sucks. Yesterday I was fine until Cody got home and I paused an episode of Criminal Minds and I got crazy nauseous. I think something in the episode triggered something relating to my sister and my childhood. That really unnerved me.

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Then I went out with Cody and his friends and I was at the bar and there was a bottle of Jack Daniels on the wall in front of me and all I could think was to try and remember something from the night Monster raped me. I just wanted to fill in the blanks. I want answers. I know I can’t have them, and I know Monster lied to me, but I want proof, and I figured if I could just remember then… I don’t know I would have some peace with it, or understand why Monster did it.

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I fucking hate PTSD. It’s a royal bitch, and I’ve written that so many times on here. I just hate whenever any PTSD symptom comes up because to me, I feel like I have failed if I am not 100% better or okay. I know how irrational that is, or maybe not irrational, but setting too high of standards. Even in the PTSD book I have that is like my bible for surviving, it says that setbacks are normal, especially around anniversary’s.

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But to me, because I have lost pretty much everyone throughout my recovery from my trauma’s, I feel like if my PTSD acts up it means I am at risk for losing another person. That creates a huge amount of anxiety for me. I have lost literally everyone except for my parents, Andy, and Quick Silver through my trauma’s. I now have Cody, but a part of me still fears that my PTSD or my stuff is too much since that is the message I’ve gotten from people.

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I hate that I feel like I am not being strong. I just don’t want others to not see me as strong through this stuff. I have gotten back into my old bad habit of saying “I’m sorry” way too much. I constantly am saying sorry and when I say I am sorry its out of fear. I always say sorry because I am scared and trying to avoid a negative consequence. Now not all my apologies are like that, but the times I say sorry when there is literally no god damn good reason for me to say I am sorry, it’s because I am scared.

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Everything is constantly changing, that I know. But I am not a fan of change. I like what I know and am familiar with. It takes time to get used to change. It takes time to accept new things. I explained to Cody that it is going to take time for me to be fully comfortable or understand or accept everything that he does that’s good because I am not used to it.

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Last night I apologized because I had to stop during sex, and I felt terrible because it was before either of us got off. For me, with the guys I’ve been with before Cody, the goal was always to get the guy off. Also last time I said stop or wait during sex was with Owen, who raped me. So when I said stop or wait last night and Cody listened and respected it, it was different. Nice. But still, because I am not used to it, it made me feel anxious. Cody said that wasn’t the goal of sex. He said it didn’t matter that we had to stop, what mattered was that I was okay.

That is very new for me. I’ve probably written all this on here at one point already, but I am still getting used to Cody and being treated with respect. I was used to it, or getting there, but again, with it being an anniversary thing I am more…one edge…which means I tend to revert back to old habits (such as apologizing too much).

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I am not sorry for all my PTSD symptoms, and I am not sorry for crying a lot because my sister ran away, but I feel bad because I know that people that care about me don’t like seeing me like that. So I am not sorry for being vulnerable and actually letting people know what’s going on, but I am sorry that it hurts those around me that care.

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I just want to get through the next couple weeks without being triggered too much, because then it will be October and I will be happy and not triggered because nothing bad happened in October. The beginning of September reminds me of reporting Monster. November 7th, well that’s the anniversary of the rape with Monster. So I am just a bit nervous. Dealing with Peter (classmate who sexually assaulted me) and the time of year isn’t an issue anymore. February 26th doesn’t seem to have much of an effect now that it’s been two and a half years. I am sure when January 18th comes up I’ll be on edge since it hasn’t even been a year since Owen raped me. But I’m getting way a head of myself, but then again I like to be prepared for possible triggers.

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But I am thankful for my mom and dad still being here and understanding that I get triggered. I am thankful that Quick Silver and Andy are still my friends and don’t get mad at me if I am having an off day. I am truly thankful and feel lucky to have found Cody because he seems to never give up on me, or get angry or upset at me when any of this stuff comes up. His reaction is perfect. He never makes me feel bad about breaking down or having something affect me. Because hell, if I could not let any of this stuff affect me I would do that in a heart beat! Cody never says a reproachful word to me about any of my PTSD stuff or just when I actually am crying even if it has to do with something else. I’ve never had anyone not get mad or upset or annoyed as a reaction to me crying, besides my sister. Cody makes me happy.

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Cody and I have our differences, like his interest in planes, cars, and engineering. Even though I know nothing about all that, I still love to sit and listen to him talk about it. Just seeing the excitement and feeling that energy is amazing to be around. With most people I would tune out or not care, but I actually listen to him and try to understand what he is saying. Having Cody in my life has taught me a lot and I’ve made a lot of progress. I am just thankful that Cody seems to really love and care about me and is willing to go through all this stuff with me without getting angry or feeling like it’s too much. That means the world to me that he wants to be there.

XOXO Anna

The Case, School, and Cody

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My family is stressing majorly. The police can’t do anything. We are trying to figure out our next move. We’ve called our family friends who are both lawyers and asked if they had anyone they knew who could help us. We still don’t have any information on the three mysterious phone numbers. My sister hasn’t used her phone very much yesterday, and its been off all day today. We are all probably losing it. My mom didn’t go to work, I took the day off from class. My dad went into work but is simultaneously working on The Case.

I didn’t go to class for a couple reasons.

  1. We have a sub today
  2. He was going to let us out early
  3. I got my period and had cramps

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Cody has been a fucking god send through all this. He is the only one that is able to ground me and make it seem like life is normal. He has been super sweet to me, like he always has been, but there have been some little things over the past week that have just stood out to me. I have told him how much I appreciate him being there.

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I still have a shit ton of work to do but I can’t find the motivation for it, which normally isn’t my problem, it’s Cody’s. I have 60 pages of Sociology reading, I have to brief a case from my Law and Evidence class, and I have to do a writing assignment for Abnormal Psychology. Then later today when Cody is off work, I have to help him with his homework. All I know is I will definitely be needing coffee or tea if I wanna stop watching Criminal Minds and actually do my work.

XOXO Anna

Working The Case

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My whole day, besides breakfast with Cody has been working on figuring out things about my sister. I then took a break to watch Criminal Minds season 10 which finally has been uploaded to Netflix. But I printed out phone records going back to a year ago, even past a year ago, and it paid off too, I think. It’s really only two to three billing cycles that have past that had information that was more informative.

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My sister still had a lot of anger towards me and my parents. She wrote some mean things. Not to fault her, because I am sure I’ve done wrong but the level of anger is what disturbs my dad. My mom said she has never seen my dad indecisive, which he has been the whole time about how to handle this. If I write about this in the future I’m going to refer to it as The Case just to keep things short.

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But there are two to three numbers that stand out in the records. We are wondering is my sister plans to just hop scotch from one person to another until she has no money, which would be pretty soon. But again, these would be people she talked to over Omegle or Kik. People she doesn’t know in real life. That’s the scariest part.

I honestly can’t understand what in the world she is thinking. Does she not know how dangerous it is what she has done? All we know is her location, and that the person she is staying with is 18 and male. We don’t know a name. We know practically nothing. I had a nightmare about my sister last night and it made my morning rough. All I do is worry about my sister 24/7, same with my parents. There isn’t a second of the day where I’m not thinking about my sister, where she is, is she safe, will she come back, etc.

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I just want her to be home and safe. I see that she is holding on to a lot of anger. My parents and I have talked and we can’t for the life of us figure out why she is so angry. Yeah, we understand her anger could be from me spending too much time with Cody and not being there for her, or that my parents weren’t going to let her go back to school, but the level is what we don’t understand. It’s extraordinary the amount of anger.

I just wish, and I never wish anything, that my sister would come home and that we as a family could talk about whatever she is going through so we can be there and help her. She is obviously going through something, but she never let anyone of us in, she never reached out and told us she needed us or that she was struggling. I mean, finding those razor blades and a kitchen knife hidden in her drawers was alarming. I mean, we don’t know if she was self-harming, but just seeing that was scary. There are so many questions that we don’t have answers too, and it’s driving us all crazy. We know certain things, but we have been struggling to tie the pieces together.

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I still have like 60 pages of homework reading to do, plus helping Cody with his work too. I just don’t have the fucking energy or drive to do it. I’ve put all my energy into trying to connect the dots and keeping things organized on The Case. But when Cody gets home we plan to go on a run, shower, then eat and do homework, so by then I hopefully will have the motivation to do my work. I have to set an example for Cody. He has one page of reading and has to summarize what he read. That’s fucking easy as shit.

I’m going to go watch more Criminal Minds before seeing if anything has updated with The Case.

Hope everyone else is having a better day than I am!

XOXO Anna

Friend Visiting, Drunk Nights, and Jealousy

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My roommate from freshman year came to visit me this weekend. We have had so much fun catching up. I warn you guys that I’m tipsy/drunk while writing this. But last night we all went out to a bar that Cody likes. But stuff happened.

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Like…I didn’t write about this because honestly well, I just I am not one to believe in happy endings, but anyways so like a couple days ago I was late for treatment because Cody and I were talking and it was about marriage and the future and stuff. So last night I took a huge chance in talking about that,saying that on our wedding day he would be dancing with me, and Cody said something that was apparently a How I Met Your Mother reference, which I didn’t get so I got very hurt.

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I told him that he would have to dance with me on our wedding day, and he was like saying something like how his mom said that you’re not supposed to plan things if it’s longer than half your relationship or something, but it was a reference to Barney saying that to Ted or something. I didn’t get it and I was hurt. I got drunk and cried and called Hannah from treatment and talked to her before Cody got to me. Cody, my friend and I all went home. Cody and I talked and we were good.

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Tonight Cody went out to drink with his guy friends, a boys night, and yeah. I was nervous because they were doing a mile of drinking at every bar.  My friend has a boyfriend and he was being really insecure about everything, and I was like I get that. She and her boyfriend are so cute together though! My friend, she is totally into him, but he was sad because they hadn’t really seen each other all summer and he felt like she was here visiting just me instead of him. He lives like 20 min from my house, so I got to meet him. Hopefully tomorrow we all hang out before we do a double dinner date.

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But anyways, I invited Brian, that guy who Cody gets annoyed with because me and Brian like made out once two years ago. So Brian, my friend and I are hanging at my house drinking, talking and planning on watching Mission Impossible. Then Brian wanted to go out, so we went to the gay bar but because my friend wasn’t 21 we didn’t get in, so then we headed downtown and ran into Cody and the boys. Cody was not happy to see us all out. He marked his territory though (me) by kissing me and making out with me right in front of Brian. I didn’t mind it though.

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Brian, my friend and I all head back to the house and play ping pong, to which I got my ass handed to me, and then Brian went home. My friend and I stayed up talking about Cody and her BF and their issues and our issues. I texted Cody and he said he could drive himself home and didn’t need a ride, which is nice since I’m not able to drive at the moment. I am also exhausted.

Tomorrow should be a good day. Cody, my friend, me, and Cody’s friend are grabbing brunch. Then hopefully her BF can join all of us and we can do something before we all go out to dinner later.

XOXO Anna

Busy Week

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Last weekend I was working my parents show which was exhausting but fun! I really actually enjoyed working the show and was sad that I would actually continue to work the show this week because I was in treatment. Speaking of treatment, my last day is tomorrow!

I am really excited yet seriously nervous. I’m not sure if I’m ready to leave, but then again that’s always how I feel when I’m about to leave. When I asked Cody he said he wasn’t sure if I was ready to leave which was like ouch, but at the same time I feel there’s validity. I still take ensure when I’m rushing or if I’m having an off night. But that’s better than not eating at all.

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Cody signed up for his classes earlier this week which was nice to hear! Though, he is on probation and he needs to pass this math class or he can’t retake it again. So I really hope I can help Cody out with that class. I haven’t signed up for classes yet because they still are processing my transfer credits and then I’ll finally be able to have a school email and meet with my academic advisor and sign up for classes which start next thursday!

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Also so much is happening all at once. So today I am hanging with Hannah because she got a new dog and some of the other frew girls are going to go I think, and then tonight Cody and I are going out to open mic night. Tomorrow is treatment, then hanging with a friend from high school. Then Friday is probably the dentist, then maybe shopping with the frew girls and then my friend is visiting for the weekend. So these next couple days I have a lot of social things going on, and I wonder if I have the energy to do it all.

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But next week is also busy. I really need to get my hair done, and then I need to make sure I do sign up for classes and talk to an advisor, plus I want to do a couple test runs into the city to know how to get to my classes. Also Cody’s friend is having a thing on thursday night, and then his other friends have a thing on friday next week. So yeah, lots going on. I also wonder how my eating will go with this transition and with how busy my schedule is about to get.

Anxiety is a bitch.

XOXO Anna