Feeling Like Crap


So one of Cody’s friends said to him a while ago no one wants to hang out with him anymore because we fight sometimes and stuff. Then last night when I asked one of his friends why they didn’t invite Cody, he replied with “why is his vagina hurt?”

I was insulted that his friend insulted Cody but also the way he was insulting Cody, by using a women’s body part as if that’s something bad. So I stood up for Cody and said that it was a misogynistic to say that and said he would lose his girlfriend if he used language and insults like that.


His friend then came back and said some really mean stuff to me, Cody defended me. The thing is, when I met Cody, he couldn’t identify feelings, used language like: cunt, whore, bitch, slut, and he was very immature. Cody has matured, doesn’t use degrading language like that anymore, and actually wants to talk about real issues, and his friend says he can’t recognize Cody anymore. That I’ve “warped his mind,” and that I’m, “crazy.”


I talked to Quick Silver yesterday about Cody’s sister. But then last night texted him about how I really needed to talk to him about last night with Cody’s friend. So today I’ll be calling Quick Silver. I really miss Quick Silver. He has always been a really good friend, and sometimes it sucks that he is in GA and I’m not.

So it’s been damn stressful this week with people. I seriously feel like crap and that I’m the reason people don’t like Cody.


Fucking Cheaters


My god does no one know how to keep it in their pants? Or actually talk to their partner? Or like actually love their partner? My friend from SCAD, my roommate, she her boyfriend cheated on her twice, with two different girls. That’s what led them to breakup months ago and I’m just finding out about the cheating.


Now Cody and I have two friends who have broken up because of the cheating. Plus a porn account requested to follow Cody’s instagram which brought up old wounds…which wouldn’t have been as bad if I hadn’t been talking about cheating with my friend. *sigh*


Worst part is the guy who cheated on her, he is fucking not letting her go. He was holding her hand and putting his arm around her because he got jealous that she was moving on with another guy!


I want to curl up under the covers, cry, and not come out because the world makes me sad.


LARP and an Old Friend


Live Action Role Play… I’ve never done it but Cody is into it. So Cody hasn’t done it in a while, because the games seemed to conflict with things we’d scheduled for. Cody wants to get back into it, which is fine. He wants me to go to one also just to try it. So I looked at the game schedules and there are 13 weekends of games that Cody will be going to,so I hope Cody enjoys them, but now I have 13 weekends where I have free…that means who the hell am I hanging out with? Serena? Well, in the summer there will be plenty of people to go party and drink with. Or I could write? I don’t know. I’ll figure it out. I really wish I actually tried harder to make friends at my new school now… but even if I did they are in the city which I wouldn’t want to take a train into the city just to see a friend.


Oh also I reconnected with a childhood friend, and he goes to NYU and is curating a show this weekend. Cody agreed to stay on friday and go with me and leave saturday morning for LARP. I think Cody is just scared that my old friend will hit on me 😛 but seriously no.We will call him Michael. I am not even sure I’ll even like Michael as a friend anymore.I haven’t seen him since I was eight years old and I’m twenty-two. Lots has changed. But if we do end up hitting it off then maybe he and I will hang out occasionally and I’ll actually be able to say I have a friend in the area.


I guess it’s times like these that make me realize how my hometown feels like it’s not mine. It’s really Cody’s. He has his friends and memories here. I have memories but not many friends, plus they don’t live around here anymore. My life really was back in Savannah, GA. But Cody and I are building a life together here… I just sometimes feel like I don’t fit in. These friends of his are his friends, not mine. Sure I know them, I’ll talk to them, and occasionally hang with them, but they aren’t my friends. Not yet…if ever. If I went to school where I live instead of the city I would hopefully have friends too. It’s just everyone at my school either knows each other because they went to high school together or they started in freshman year together. Being a transfer student is hard…


Family Dinner, Hot Temper, and Critisisms


Monday night Cody and I went to his sister birthday dinner. Their mom and grandparents were there. On the way to dinner Cody and I got in a fight about his driving. Then at dinner Cody was still angry and when he passed my phone to me his sister had texted me. She said something that shocked me and I couldn’t believe she said that so I laughed. Cody thought I was laughing at him, and he knocked my phone out of my hand. Everyone at the table was shocked.


I was not happy about Cody’s temper. Yesterday when I got back from the city we went to our favorite bar and we talked about his temper and why he lost it. I had to play therapist because if I asked him why he got mad he would shrug. I had to ask questions that made him think deeper than the superficial level. I am not trying to say Cody cannot get to a deeper level of realization, I’m just saying he needs a push to get there.


I also had my police and abnormal psych exams yesterday. When I told my dad that I had to guess on five questions my dad said, “Why didn’t you know the answers? You need to study harder.” I studied a lot. Cody did end up helping me monday night with studying which I appreciated, because in my last post I was writing about how he didn’t help me.


Then yesterday I told Cody that Serena wanted to hang out with me soon. I said possibly it would be friday. I’ve let him have two guys nights where I stay in and do my own thing while he enjoys his friends. I got annoyed and upset when he said he would go out with his friends that night then too. I got annoyed because I already have issues with guys nights, because of past experiences, and it took  a lot for me to give him two guys nights within a short time period. I told him I just don’t want to be anxious while I’m out with Serena, which he understood. But before he got to the understanding point, he called me controlling and said he didn’t have any freedom. That comment has stuck with me, and I feel like shit.


I know I should trust him, but there are times where my mind is very irrational and I worry. I worry about him either drinking too much or cheating (which I know he wouldn’t do). But I just… bleh. That comment really hurt me. So from now on I am going to do my best to just not worry about that. I am going to let him go out with his friends for guys night whenever. Even if I’m not totally okay with it I want to be able to let him go out. I don’t want to come off as controlling. Cody did apologize for saying that and said he didn’t mean it, but I feel like he secretly did mean it.




So we hung out with Cody’s friend. We ended up getting dinner. Then we suggested getting drinks and hanging at my house. I was dropped off, and they’re getting drinks. So instead of tonight being a Cody and me night watching netflix, it will be a bro’s night and I’ll write, or continue blogging, or watching netflix on my own I guess.


I mean, Cody’s friend leaves at the end of the week and he is cool. Though at dinner tonight I felt totally fucking invisible. I mean, they could have been on a date. So yeah, maybe another night this week Cody and I will do us. But yeah, his friend is cool.


I’m just guna drink, maybe Skype with a friend in Savannah, and pass the fuck out.


Can’t Believe It

 So Cody and I are going to be hanging out with his best friend this afternoon so they can to take pictures of cars for their instagram blogs. I had told Cody awhile ago that his friends weren’t mine. I met them through Cody so they’re his friends right? That’s how I thought of it.


But when Cody told his friend that I might be joining them in looking for cars, his friend said, “Sure that’s fine, I miss her lol”


I can’t believe that his friend said that. That really actually means a lot to me. It means his friend likes me. Not that his friends don’t like me, but it was just nice to hear that. It made me feel like maybe I do have people who like me here where we live. It’s nice to know.


Got Grilled


Yesterday I hung out with one of my gay best friends. He is amazing with shopping and my mom told him that we could spend $2,000 on a new wardrobe for me. Because of my anorexia I have issues with shopping and getting clothes, especially if they aren’t fitted. So we got lunch before shopping, and I told him about Cody and I, and how serious we were. The second I mentioned marriage I got grilled beyond belief. I told him why I wanted to marry Cody one day and my friend accepted the answer after my explanation. In the  end my friend said that someone had to grill me to make sure I was sure about Cody and my future.


I’m actually siting on Cody’s lap right now… he wanted to spend more time with me before he went to game. It’s really sweet, and I like having him here while I blog and write. I now understand why he loves it when I go to check up on him when he is gaming. I like having him here, just his presence is calming.


Tonight I think I’m hanging out with Serena and she is going to give me her clothes that she has outgrown. Then she is going to help me dye my hair brown again. It’s been fading to like a dirty blonde and I want it back to the color when I met Cody. Plus school starts on the 29th and I want my hair to be brown again before I start there.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend so far!