Partners Of Porn Addicts

I have redone the look of the forum and I am really glad that we have gotten new members! I hope that anyone who is struggling with porn addiction can give the forum link to their partners, and that any partners of porn addiction join as well. So far everyone on the forum is happy that it’s a safe place for partners.

XOXO Anna

5 Languages of Love

[Another post I wrote for Ideafortoday.com and thought I would post it here]

My last post I talked about love and how a person falls in and out of love. This post is going to be about communication in relationships.

5 Languages of Love. Have you heard of that before? Gary Chapman wrote his book 5 Languages of Love and it sold. He made books for couples, or married couples, and even regarding children.

To break it down there is:

  1. Act of Service [for these people actions speak louder than words]
  2. Physical Touch [this person likes to hug and have contact with the other person]
  3. Words of Affirmation [words have a profound impact on the person]
  4. Quality Time [Giving the other person your undivided attention]
  5. Gifts [receiving gifts makes this person feel loved]

Those are the five languages. When we first learned about this in psychology I was very curious to see what my love language was. I ended up with having Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, and Physical touch being my tops languages. A person can have more than one love language. I was very intrigued and when learning about this, it explained some of the reasons my relationship at the time was faltering. My boyfriend wasn’t spending time with me, and to me that meant he didn’t care about me, because to me, being loved means spending time together. I learned that I need someone who enjoys spending time with their significant other.

I’ve heard couples complain about each other and about how one doesn’t do the chores when asked, or the other never buys them gifts on special occasions, and that they felt hurt and unloved by their partner. These are examples of the couples who never talked about what they need to feel loved. They never talked to each other about the fact that what the other person was not doing was hurting them. I’ve even heard couples defend themselves, saying, “Of course I love her! I tell her that everyday.” The problem is, his partner wasn’t a Words of Affirmation person, but a Physical Touch person, and because he never really hugged her when he would get home, she felt unloved.

So if you’re in a relationship, think about this. What is your love language? What is your partners? If you are aware of your partners love language, you have a higher chance of getting along and having the relationship survive. Something to remember: Some people like to give in one language and receive in another.

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I personally love to buy people things. All my past boyfriends were spoiled off me. I don’t know why I like giving people gifts, but I do. But if my boyfriend gave me a gift that never really did much for me. I, of course, appreciated it, but I would have rather spent time with him, or talking and cuddling.

Now that you know about this, talk about it with the person you’re dating or are in a relationship with. Maybe you subconsciously knew about the love languages. Maybe not, but now you have the chance to talk about this if there are issues in the relationship. I always say, Communication is key. No relationship can survive if you don’t talk to each other about needs and wants.

Want to know you’re love language profile? Take the quiz!

Here is the link: 5 Languages of Love Quiz

XOXO Anna

Psychology of Love

[This is a post I wrote for Ideafortoday.com and thought I would post it here too]

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Ever want to know why you fall in and out of love? What makes you attracted to a person? What attracts them to you? Well, I’m going to tell you about it!

I am in love with psychology and love studying it. In one of my classes we talked about the psychology of love. That was by far one of my favorite topics we covered. I did always wonder why someone falls in love with another person and why they stopped being in love with someone. I’m about to explain Love to you guys through psychology terms.

Let’s start by defining love. It seems so simple, but do you really know what love is? Is it a noun? A verb?

In truth love is a verb. Love is a behavior. Here are two definitions that were given in class.

  • The will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing ones own and/or another’s “spiritual growth”.
  • You make a contribution to your own or anther’s well being. You do not have to feel good about the other person in order to love them.

Falling In Love (or infatuation/lust)

Signs and symptoms

  • Lots of preoccupation with the person
  • Sexualization
  • The person seems “flawless” to you

Falling Out Of Love

Signs and Symptoms

  • Low preoccupation with them
  • Low sexualization
  • Flaws go up (or you actually see them)
  • Built up tolerance to PEA

Now that we know the signs of when you fall in love and out of love, we beg the question of why?

To answer that, it all has to do with Pheromones. Pheromones are a lock and key type of deal. In our bodies we create a chemical called PEA. PEA increases in our system, which drives the “in love” stage. PEA is a chemical in pheromones that when increased, one gets a feeling of ecstasy. The problem with this, is that after a period of time, we build up a tolerance to it, which leads us to falling out of love.

Ego Boundaries

When two people are in love the boundaries overlap. It’s like a ben diagram, where two circles overlap and there’s shared space. When people fall out of love, the two circles separate, and that’s when the two people have their own space and can think and see things clearly and can be objective.

Another factor that plays into love and relationships is testosterone!

Testosterone

  • This is the chemical that is the source of the sex drive
  • High Testosterone people tend to be sexual, think and talk about sex, are easily aroused. Sex is also not only pleasurable but also a release for stress. They can also dress provacatively.
  • Low Testosterone people tend to not think or talk about sex, are slower to be aroused. Sex is not a stress release to them. Also they tend to dress modestly

Now why are we talking about this? Because, the levels of testosterone between two people plays an important factor in romantic relationships. Ever heard a friend complain about their significant other constantly wanting sex, or the opposite, that they never want to be romantic? Well, testosterone explains it!

If you are in a relationship, and one person is High T and the other is Low T, things tend to get complicated.

If a High T and Low T are in a relationship together, the Low T person may feel as if all they are is an object to the other person, whereas the High T may feel like the other person doesn’t love them. Sex is an important part within romantic relationship and if you find yourself in a relationship with the opposite testosterone level that you are, then you have to talk about sex and the role it plays if you want the relationship to survive.

If this is your case, then the High T person needs to spend time building up the Low T person, whereas the Low T person needs to build up empathy for the High T person with pent up sexual energy. One thing that was done in these cases was for the couple to sit down and talk about sex and how many times a week they would have sex, that way both people in the relationship got their needs met.

So if you’re in a relationship, this information could help you solve some issues you might be having. It might explain some behavior, or your own feelings. I’ll be making another post about love that might also help your dating life and relationships when it comes to communication.

XOXO Anna

Want to Fall In Love?

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Well, since Valentine’s Day is coming up there have been so many articles about love. Most are stupid. Sorry to be blunt but they are. Though, I found this one article back in January and thought I would share. I really do want to try this with someone, but I’m way to scared to do this with anyone now. Maybe one day.

To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This

Fall In Love Questions 

Did you think that was interesting? I did! I really do want to test this out one day.  Let me know your thoughts!

XOXO Anna

Quick Silver, Andy, Self-Defense and an Insecure Girlfriend….

Well I also got Quick Silver hooked up with my journalist friend to see if Quick Silver wants to apply for the film crew.

So when Quick Silver, Andy and I were all at Andy’s we immediately started training. Andy pulled an unloaded gun out and taught me how to disarm someone with a gun. He taught me what to do if pinned against the wall. He taught me what to do when I was pinned on the floor. He taught me how to deflect a punch. I feel more empowered for sure. I also told Andy what happened with Owen and I.

I eventually practiced against Quick Silver and that was fun. It was nice to have two people to be able to try out what I learned on that way it isn’t the same every time. It was intense. But once Andy’s girlfriend got home things got tense. She had like 2 fits. One where after about ten minutes of getting home and such she started leaving and Andy had to talk her down. Quick Silver said he would explain more later. Then things got settled and we continued training. Sonic was mentioned at one point and like we were all chilling in Andy’s bedroom and like I don’t know what happened but I wasn’t in the room and suddenly she stormed out.

I was very confused because I was talking to Quick Silver when that happened. Like jeez! I don’t know if it was jealousy of me or just him hanging out with other people than her, but it was not fun for me. There’s a reason I hate girls. One reason is they get between me and my guy friends. It sucks to be one of the bro’s yet still suffer the side effects of actually being a girl.

Quick Silver tried to get me to open up while Andy tried to calm his girlfriend down because Quick Silver noticed I was distressed. I told him I was scared that I would be kicked out of the friend group and Quick Silver said I was blowing it way out of proportion, but I explained that it was all I knew. In my past if one person in the friend group didn’t like someone, then they were essentially ditched or kicked out. Quick Silver assured me that’s not what was going to happen.

Then we started talking about Owen and the rape and my emotions. I didn’t write about this the other day because I was too embarrassed or ashamed. But I wrote a suicide letter- not a serious one, just one to vent in. I would never commit suicide just saying that now to be clear. But with my parents not supporting me it really got me severely down and I wrote a letter out of anger and pain trying to explain to them what it would be like if I weren’t here and such. It was a letter to vent in. I frequently write letters when I’m angry and then rip them up or burn them. It’s really just a way to vent my feelings when I don’t know how to actually talk to the person.

Quick Silver I think got worried. I assured him I am not suicidal I just was down and needed to vent. I told him not to tell Andy about the cutting or suicide letter. I don’t know how Andy would react to that. But Andy and Quick Silver assured me that if I ever felt unsafe I could always go to one of their places to chill. That was nice to know, but that was before the girlfriend got home, so I am just taking a wild guess that I am probably not going to be allowed back into Andy’s house…

I am stating this now. I have NO interest in Andy what so fucking ever. And in all honesty Andy’s girlfriend isn’t like the most attractive, I mean, she is pretty but I can see how she could be threatened by me, but there is no threat. Though now I know why Andy never told her about that one night Andy and I had. She probably would have lost her shit on him. I still feel guilty about that night sometimes.

But anyways, I am just happy that Quick Silver and Andy won’t be like leaving me. I mean, I totally wasn’t invited to Sonic because of the girlfriend, so I am a bit hurt, but at the same time I want to keep the peace. I told Quick Silver I would never want to do something to hurt Andy, his, and my friendship. Quick Silver was really nice and gave me some hugs since I opened up  again and was obviously emotional when talking about the suicide because hell, that ain’t easy to admit that you were in that dark a place that you wrote a goodbye letter essentially. Quick Silver walked me to my car which was really nice. It made me feel safe.

One thing I love about Quick Silver is that even though he reminds me sometimes of Ethan- the good things- the one thing I am happy about is Quick Silver knows when to give a hug. With Ethan I would be crying and Ethan would be on the opposite side of the room. So it’s refreshing to have a friend be able to read emotions and react accordingly.

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I am just not happy that Andy’s girlfriend and me are already having issues. That isn’t promising. I just hope that she eventually knows that I am not a threat. Because hell if I were to ever choose a guy to be with it sure as shit wouldn’t be Andy.

XOXO Anna

An Interview

I had a interview with this guy at my school for an article of his for his journalism job. It was a very well put together interview on race and racism. We talked a lot about different types of racism, and the shootings that happened with the police and such.

I don’t know how, but after the interview we started talking about many different things. Eventually we got onto the topic of romance and I told him about my situation with Owen. He told me that I was incredibly patient and that I’m a better person than most. He told me I should text Owen and get an official answer tonight of whether I am just a friend or whether he wants me to be his girlfriend.

It’s true, I do need to know this because I have a coffee date wednesday and then I have a hangout planned in february with a medic from the military. And no I do not have a thing for army guys, there’s just a lot of them in the south.

But I really liked this guy that I had the interview with. I can see him being a really close friend. So I hope all goes well with things regarding Owen. At this point-4 months from when we first met- I just want an answer, I don’t care if it’s a yes or a no. I just need an answer so I can either be his girlfriend or completely move on. I mean, if there’s another girl on the side for Owen than he needs to make his decision. Because if he doesn’t I’ll make the decision before he does.

XOXO Anna

Can someone let me know?

I am just curious. Are there still guys out there who are looking for relationships and not just hookups or one night stands?

I, for one, take romance seriously. Though I have had sex with two guys where it was meaningless, that doesn’t mean I liked it. I much prefer having sex with someone I feel a connection to, and I feel like most other girls do to.

So, to all the guys out there reading this, is it just this generation that sucks, or is there still hope out there? Most guys I talk to, or who have interest in me, seem to not be interested in relationships. I get it that some are focused on their work and others stupid things like video games. Yes, I called video games stupid. Not all are, but when a guy sits in front of a computer or gaming console playing video games for over 4 hours, I kind of start to question the guy. Sorry to those out there who play games that much. If it is your career, however, that is different. I understand that there are people at my school who are majoring in Game design, and it makes sense for those guys to play games for that long since they are studying the game.

But back to my question…Are there still guys out there who want real, meaningful, serious relationships?

I really do want to be able to connect to someone, to be able to talk to someone for hours and be excited. To be able to actually want to have sex with a guy, and be comfortable with it. I guess, having sex with Ramone earlier this week reminded me of how much I missed having the real thing compared to having the meaningless thing.

So any guys want to comment on this? Any girls agree with this struggle? Any advice overall on how to overcome this battle that seems impossible to win?

XOXO Anna