“Nice Titties”

I need to blog about this right now if I’m going to make it home on the train ride without crying. 
For those who read my blog, you know I have been sexually assaulted and raped twice. I have PTSD but have been treated for it with EMDR and I have been doing really well. 

After I got out of my Cognitive Psych class, which I got an A on the exam, I was walking down the stairs and when I got to the bottom a guy said “hey” to me, I nodded and kept walking unsure of why he tried talking to me. He said, “stop” so I stopped, and looked at him and then to his friends who had smiles on their face. 

I asked if they were doing a psychology experiment because of the strange behavior they displayed. He said no, and that he stopped me because he thought I was very attractive.  I said thank you and was going to keep walking but he kept talking. He kept saying how attractive I was and if my eyes were real or colored contacts. I said real. He then proceeded with saying, “don’t slap me when I say this.” I said ,”okay” and he said “you’re very attractive, your eyes and hair, and I noticed you because of your blouse and well, you have nice titties.” He also asked for my snapchat and I told him I was in a serious relationship and he gave me his name and said if he saw me again he would stop me and talk to me.

I feel completely objectified and gross after that. I wear the outfit I’m wearing today (jeans, low cut tank top and a jacket) every week. It’s nothing new or flashy, just my every day casual clothes. I am so jumpy and scared and just stupid PTSD reaction… I just want to be home with Cody so he can hug me and I can feel safe. 

I know most girls like getting hit on, but I don’t at least not like that. That was very vulgar and gross. It made me feel so uncomfortable. Especially given my history. 

Is this normal behavior for a guy? I’ve been hit on but never like that…

XOXO Anna 

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I’m being really harsh to myself

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I am being really mean to myself. I’m admitting it right now. I am kicking myself for turning guys down. I feel like I should be normal. I feel like I shouldn’t let Owen raping me affect me. But I can’t help it. Guys are very scary to me right now. See I’ve been turning down any guy who asks me out. But tonight I actually accepted getting lunch with a guy on sunday. Though who know’s if I’ll chicken out.

But for the most part I am very scared of men and distrustful. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know that’s not good. I know I shouldn’t expect men to be violent towards me, but at this point in time I can’t help it. I know in time, I will heal.

But I’ve been hyper-critical of myself for not being ready and okay with guys. I need to give myself a break and treat myself a bit better and not constantly be telling myself that I should be “normal”. I will eventually get back to normal, but for now, I am on the cautious side and that’s okay.

XOXO Anna

Got hit on in Panera

Yesterday I got to Panera before my mom got there, so I ordered. I was wearing a black cardigan with a design of a skeleton down the spine. So as I’m walking to grab soda some guy says, “I don’t mean to worry you, but I can see your spine.” And I laughed. It was original and unexpected.

As I was waiting for my order he came over to wait for his and he introduced himself and he asked my name and stuff. My mom eventually got there and my order was ready so I left to eat with my mom.

As I was finishing my meal, I heard on the loud speaker, “Owen, you’re order is ready,” and I freaked out in my head. I was suddenly hyper vigilant and scared. My mom could see me get nervous, though she says she has seen me act like that before.

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The place to dump your dishes was over near where you pick up orders and I was too scared to go over there, so I asked my mom to put my dishes away while I waited outside.

When I got outside the guy who hit on me was there. He asked me if he could take me out to lunch. I hesitated but caved and said sure and he asked for my number and I gave it to him.

All the while I was scared. This guy doesn’t look like the typical guy one would be scared of, he actually looks sweet. But I can’t get over the fear. And he texted me and I’ve ignored it because I don’t think I’m ready to go out on a date yet. I don’t know how to let him down though. Guys are so annoying.

I just am not ready to go out with another guy. I will admit I am a bit fearful of dating. I mean, my track record isn’t that good. Ethan, Monster, Eric, Owen…not looking so good. I am not ready to jump back into the fire.

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XOXO Anna

Can guys and girls really just be friends?

Lately I’ve had people tell me that guys and girls can’t beĀ just friends. I disagree. I personally get along with guys better than girls and 90% of my friends are guys.

With that said, 80% of my guy friends have had a thing for me at one time in our friendship. But that doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends.

Recently (as in 3 weeks ago) my best friend -who I will call Eric- dumped me. See we have been best friends for two years. Through out that time he has been there for me through all the hell I’ve gone through and also liked me on and off. This past summer he kissed me. We ended up agreeing to be in a relationship soon after.

For me, that was a very hard decision. I knew that if anything went wrong I could lose him. Of course we promised each other we would always be friends no matter what. But right now, we aren’t talking. I knew that being with Eric was the biggest risk I could take. But he had liked me for the past two years, and I was attracted to him in a way. He was safe, someone I could trust. Or so I thought.

As a best friend, Eric is amazing. As a boyfriend Eric was very good. It was a healthy but short relationship. Eric came over to my place and told me he wasn’t feeling it anymore. It had only been a month and a half. He said his feelings weren’t growing. Ironically that day I had packed up all of his things and put them in a bag under my bed because I was ready to end it too.

The difference between him and me ending it was my thought was in a state of panic. I was panicking because Eric and I were good. When things are good in my life it can freak me out. I was ready to push through the panic for Eric though.

After we broke up he kept making out with me when we saw each other over the next three days. Word got back to him that I made out with a freshman while I was drunk the night we had broken up. Eric was mad at me for that.

It’s been three weeks and he found out I’m dating an older guy(Owen) who is ten years my senior. Eric flipped out on our mutual friend saying, and I quote,

Hey man I’m sorry that I was a dick to you, i made a really bad decision to date Anna. She was making me feel really uncomfortable with all the guys she was talking to and when she said you were hitting on her I figured I better stand up for myself. I get now that you weren’t hitting on her and she was just telling me stuff to get me mad but sorry I took it so far. She is a slut and I’m glad to be done with her.

Eric sent that to my friend when he found out about Owen.

Eric knows me better than anyone and knows that 90% of my friends are guys. I even asked him if it was okay to go to dinner with one of them to catch up and he gave me permission. I am not a slut just because I am dating so soon after the break up. And Eric’s friend wasn’t hitting on me, I never told Eric that. It’s a fact that his friend last year sent me messages asking if we could hook up while he was in a relationship and I said no. But hearing your best friend call you a slut sucks.

So it’s okay for him to go out on tinder dates and talk to girls after he dumps me, but it’s not okay for me to be dating someone? Where’s the logic? I assume he wants me to be crying in my room wishing I could have him back or something to boost his ego. I am not going to apologize for moving on. I am not going to apologize for trying to make the post breakup productive instead of whining about a guy who doesn’t want to be with me.

Why would I do that? I rather get out there, see what the world has to offer. Why waste time on someone who doesn’t want to be with you, when you could be out there seeing if someone else is interested.

XOXO Anna