Engaged!

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This weekend Cody proposed! We went out to dinner and after dinner, we went to the beach we met at, and we went out on the rocks, to the end, like we did when we met. We hugged because it was cold out and he gave a wonderful speech about how sorry he was for hurting me, and how having me in his life has made him a better person. I said that I didn’t deserve him at his best if I couldn’t handle him at his worst, and he smiled. He said his shoe lace came out and I laughed because I was wondering if he was going to propose or just trick me, and he was down on one knee, and said will you marry me, and he opened the box, which was upside down so I started laughing, and told him the box was upside down and sais yes! We kissed and hugged and he put the ring on my finger, and then he was like, “Wait, I don’t want you to lose it out here,” so he put the ring back in the box to keep it safe.

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The wedding is July 29th, and we already have a guest list. It’s going to be a small wedding, and honestly, I am just so happy and so excited!

XOXO Anna

Recovery

Cody and I have been doing very well for the past month. We started couples therapy, EFT specifically and it has been one of the best decisions we’ve made in our recovery as a couple together!

In a couple days, it will be a year of Cody being clean and in recovery. It’s crazy to think a year has gone by since I found out about his addiction, but we have made so much progress, both as individuals and as a couple. Cody even got an A- in Statistics! He hasn’t gotten an A in almost four years! He really has made so many improvements to his work and educational life. I still have plenty of triggers, but some triggers aren’t as bad anymore, and 95% of the time I realize his addiction has nothing to do with me. Only if it’s a day full of triggers do I get those thoughts of not being good enough.

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Cody asked me out on a date for Saturday, which was cute! I can’t wait to go on a date, we haven’t been on a date in about a month or so. So, it will be very nice to just go out, have dinner, talk, and go to the beach where we met almost 2 years ago.

Also, everything is good with the baby. We have an appointment in a week and a half and then near the end of June, we are going to find out the gender!! We can’t wait!

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Overall, it seems like things are going much better these past couple months. I am very happy about the progress and honestly, lately, it seems like we are finding “our love” again. It’s been very nice to hang out with him and just have fun. Back in the first couple months after I found out I couldn’t have fun with him, let alone be alone with him without being in pain. These days I enjoy his company much more. I think it’s because we have been talking a lot with each other, about a variety of subjects, but we’ve talked about the addiction a bit more and I think it’s been helping me process, and be able to move forward more.

XOXO Anna

Moving Forward

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Cody and I talked last night, like really talked. We haven’t gotten through all the things we want to talk about, but we have made huge progress! As long as we keep an open dialogue, are honest, and ready to talk, we will be fine.

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We even had passionate (amazing) sex last night. I communicated exactly what I wanted and he definitely delivered. Today we continued our conversation from last night and again, made progress! Cody opened up to me!! Like holy shit so happy. This showed him that he is capable of opening up, it just takes him a couple minutes to get there. I am just so proud of him for being able to do that. But I am very glad our communication is better and we are talking, and actually changing our behavior patterns that need changing to keep our relationship healthy and happy.

XOXO Anna

Something Changed

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I don’t know what changed, but I feel a lot better about Cody today. I told him everything about how I was feeling. I hated telling him that I felt certain things but after I told him I felt a bit better. When we pulled into the diner parking lot, Cody was telling me how much he loved me. How he couldn’t imagine anyone else in his life that he could marry and be happy with. He told me a lot about how he felt about me. For some reason hearing all that really changed my feelings and attitude.

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Then we sat in the booth together on the same side and I just held him and talked to him. Something felt different, in a good way. It felt like we were moving forward for the first time since the incident. Then we went to get some car stuff so he could work on his car, and we went to a jewelers to look at engagement rings. We then went home and I was feeling so good about us and I was feeling so confident about the fact that we were going to get through this that I really wanted to have sex.

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I had my computer out and was about to do my homework, but Cody came and sat on the bed and he turned me on and I then told him I wanted to have sex, and I wanted to feel close and feel intimate. We had amazing sex. But before we had sex, and we were making out, it felt like it was the first time I was with him or even with a guy. It was the strangest thing and I felt totally embarrassed by it for some reason. It was so strange to feel like I was about to have sex for the first time. But yeah, anyways we had amazing sex, and I just felt a lot closer to him and more confident that he really was sorry about what happened and that he wasn’t going to hurt me again.

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We then were exhausted and we cuddled and napped together. Over the past week I had wanted to be a bit distant from him and I didn’t really want to cuddle or be physical, but when we napped today I was so happy to have him holding me. It felt right. It made me feel safe. I finally felt like I was with the Cody I fell in love with. I don’t know what happened today but I am thankful because I was getting scared.

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Now I am doing homework and he is gaming. We then have to get ready for our valentine’s day dinner. Yes it’s tomorrow, but the restaurant we want to go to would be packed tomorrow so we are doing our valentine’s dinner tonight.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend so far!

XOXO Anna

Finally Moving into the Attic!

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Cody still needs to paint around one window, but besides that the bedroom is painted! We are going to be moving things up there today. We need help getting things out of the hang out room, but we will do that later.

I’m excited to finally be moving up there. The room looks great! It will be nice to have our own space instead of being in my bedroom which is small. We have lots of closet room and plenty of drawers.

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I think Cody will be getting off of his computer soon, so maybe he and I will actually start moving stuff up there. I also wanted to go to pier 1 to get some stuff for the attic. The hang out room will have a coffee, tea, and snack area so I wanna get some things to hold sugar and stuff like that. I don’t know if that will happen today though, I don’t know if we have time.

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We might go to dinner with his dad tonight. Originally it was supposed to be just us but his dad texted him if he wanted to get dinner with him. I just don’t want dinner to be awkward if I am struggling with whatever meal I’m having. I know Cody’s sister and brother know about my anorexia, but I don’t know if his dad does, and how awkward would it be if the dad asked why Cody was telling me to eat? I don’t know, I also don’t want that to make it seem like I’m not good enough for Cody or that… I just … I guess I just want to be the “trophy girl.”

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That’s just a role I am used to. I like it when parents like me, and I want them to approve of me being with their son. I don’t want them thinking of me in a negative light, or thinking because I have a certain issue it’s something that they don’t want their son dealing with or having to deal with. I don’t know. Stupid anxiety.

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I also just don’t know what we would all talk about at dinner. I mean, I quit my job to go to treatment, and now I don’t have a job and I’m not even going to treatment. I mean, I have a therapist I am going to see this week who specializes in eating disorders. But seriously I don’t exactly look like the greatest catch at the moment.

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I actually was happy about my job because I felt like that made Cody’s dad more proud of me, or like I was worth being with his son. I don’t know. I just wouldn’t know what to say if his dad asked me how I was doing. I don’t lie, or I don’t like lying. Cody and his dad would probably talk about work and such, so I would be left out. I just don’t want to feel like a third wheel. But I do like hanging out with Cody’s family. I do want to get to know Cody’s dad more though. But maybe I just don’t want to go out to dinner because I have my period and I’ve been a bit crampy. Who knows.

I just am excited about the attic and I’ll stay focused on that.

XOXO Anna

Progress

Progress at home has been made. Little progress, but still it’s something and it makes me happy.

Cody got to my house yesterday evening and my dad and mom sat down and talked with him and Cody said that my parents told him how much they appreciated all Cody’s done for me, and my dad said, “If you leave her, I’ll shoot you.” Apparently my mom’s dad told my dad the same thing. See, if my dad said that, then that means a lot because in the past my dad didn’t care about my boyfriends. He always knew they wouldn’t last, or didn’t really care for the guy at all and just entertained me by meeting them. It’s nice to know my dad actually likes Cody.

Anyways, it’s early and I let Cody sleep in while I get cereal before we leave for multi-family group. My mom also is coming too, so that should be quite interesting. I’m a bit nervous about it, but glad she is so she will learn a thing or two.

Hoping for a good day!

XOXO Anna