Engaged!

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This weekend Cody proposed! We went out to dinner and after dinner, we went to the beach we met at, and we went out on the rocks, to the end, like we did when we met. We hugged because it was cold out and he gave a wonderful speech about how sorry he was for hurting me, and how having me in his life has made him a better person. I said that I didn’t deserve him at his best if I couldn’t handle him at his worst, and he smiled. He said his shoe lace came out and I laughed because I was wondering if he was going to propose or just trick me, and he was down on one knee, and said will you marry me, and he opened the box, which was upside down so I started laughing, and told him the box was upside down and sais yes! We kissed and hugged and he put the ring on my finger, and then he was like, “Wait, I don’t want you to lose it out here,” so he put the ring back in the box to keep it safe.

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The wedding is July 29th, and we already have a guest list. It’s going to be a small wedding, and honestly, I am just so happy and so excited!

XOXO Anna

Recovery

Cody and I have been doing very well for the past month. We started couples therapy, EFT specifically and it has been one of the best decisions we’ve made in our recovery as a couple together!

In a couple days, it will be a year of Cody being clean and in recovery. It’s crazy to think a year has gone by since I found out about his addiction, but we have made so much progress, both as individuals and as a couple. Cody even got an A- in Statistics! He hasn’t gotten an A in almost four years! He really has made so many improvements to his work and educational life. I still have plenty of triggers, but some triggers aren’t as bad anymore, and 95% of the time I realize his addiction has nothing to do with me. Only if it’s a day full of triggers do I get those thoughts of not being good enough.

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Cody asked me out on a date for Saturday, which was cute! I can’t wait to go on a date, we haven’t been on a date in about a month or so. So, it will be very nice to just go out, have dinner, talk, and go to the beach where we met almost 2 years ago.

Also, everything is good with the baby. We have an appointment in a week and a half and then near the end of June, we are going to find out the gender!! We can’t wait!

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Overall, it seems like things are going much better these past couple months. I am very happy about the progress and honestly, lately, it seems like we are finding “our love” again. It’s been very nice to hang out with him and just have fun. Back in the first couple months after I found out I couldn’t have fun with him, let alone be alone with him without being in pain. These days I enjoy his company much more. I think it’s because we have been talking a lot with each other, about a variety of subjects, but we’ve talked about the addiction a bit more and I think it’s been helping me process, and be able to move forward more.

XOXO Anna

Moving Forward

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Cody and I talked last night, like really talked. We haven’t gotten through all the things we want to talk about, but we have made huge progress! As long as we keep an open dialogue, are honest, and ready to talk, we will be fine.

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We even had passionate (amazing) sex last night. I communicated exactly what I wanted and he definitely delivered. Today we continued our conversation from last night and again, made progress! Cody opened up to me!! Like holy shit so happy. This showed him that he is capable of opening up, it just takes him a couple minutes to get there. I am just so proud of him for being able to do that. But I am very glad our communication is better and we are talking, and actually changing our behavior patterns that need changing to keep our relationship healthy and happy.

XOXO Anna

Something Changed

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I don’t know what changed, but I feel a lot better about Cody today. I told him everything about how I was feeling. I hated telling him that I felt certain things but after I told him I felt a bit better. When we pulled into the diner parking lot, Cody was telling me how much he loved me. How he couldn’t imagine anyone else in his life that he could marry and be happy with. He told me a lot about how he felt about me. For some reason hearing all that really changed my feelings and attitude.

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Then we sat in the booth together on the same side and I just held him and talked to him. Something felt different, in a good way. It felt like we were moving forward for the first time since the incident. Then we went to get some car stuff so he could work on his car, and we went to a jewelers to look at engagement rings. We then went home and I was feeling so good about us and I was feeling so confident about the fact that we were going to get through this that I really wanted to have sex.

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I had my computer out and was about to do my homework, but Cody came and sat on the bed and he turned me on and I then told him I wanted to have sex, and I wanted to feel close and feel intimate. We had amazing sex. But before we had sex, and we were making out, it felt like it was the first time I was with him or even with a guy. It was the strangest thing and I felt totally embarrassed by it for some reason. It was so strange to feel like I was about to have sex for the first time. But yeah, anyways we had amazing sex, and I just felt a lot closer to him and more confident that he really was sorry about what happened and that he wasn’t going to hurt me again.

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We then were exhausted and we cuddled and napped together. Over the past week I had wanted to be a bit distant from him and I didn’t really want to cuddle or be physical, but when we napped today I was so happy to have him holding me. It felt right. It made me feel safe. I finally felt like I was with the Cody I fell in love with. I don’t know what happened today but I am thankful because I was getting scared.

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Now I am doing homework and he is gaming. We then have to get ready for our valentine’s day dinner. Yes it’s tomorrow, but the restaurant we want to go to would be packed tomorrow so we are doing our valentine’s dinner tonight.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend so far!

XOXO Anna

Finally Moving into the Attic!

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Cody still needs to paint around one window, but besides that the bedroom is painted! We are going to be moving things up there today. We need help getting things out of the hang out room, but we will do that later.

I’m excited to finally be moving up there. The room looks great! It will be nice to have our own space instead of being in my bedroom which is small. We have lots of closet room and plenty of drawers.

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I think Cody will be getting off of his computer soon, so maybe he and I will actually start moving stuff up there. I also wanted to go to pier 1 to get some stuff for the attic. The hang out room will have a coffee, tea, and snack area so I wanna get some things to hold sugar and stuff like that. I don’t know if that will happen today though, I don’t know if we have time.

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We might go to dinner with his dad tonight. Originally it was supposed to be just us but his dad texted him if he wanted to get dinner with him. I just don’t want dinner to be awkward if I am struggling with whatever meal I’m having. I know Cody’s sister and brother know about my anorexia, but I don’t know if his dad does, and how awkward would it be if the dad asked why Cody was telling me to eat? I don’t know, I also don’t want that to make it seem like I’m not good enough for Cody or that… I just … I guess I just want to be the “trophy girl.”

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That’s just a role I am used to. I like it when parents like me, and I want them to approve of me being with their son. I don’t want them thinking of me in a negative light, or thinking because I have a certain issue it’s something that they don’t want their son dealing with or having to deal with. I don’t know. Stupid anxiety.

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I also just don’t know what we would all talk about at dinner. I mean, I quit my job to go to treatment, and now I don’t have a job and I’m not even going to treatment. I mean, I have a therapist I am going to see this week who specializes in eating disorders. But seriously I don’t exactly look like the greatest catch at the moment.

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I actually was happy about my job because I felt like that made Cody’s dad more proud of me, or like I was worth being with his son. I don’t know. I just wouldn’t know what to say if his dad asked me how I was doing. I don’t lie, or I don’t like lying. Cody and his dad would probably talk about work and such, so I would be left out. I just don’t want to feel like a third wheel. But I do like hanging out with Cody’s family. I do want to get to know Cody’s dad more though. But maybe I just don’t want to go out to dinner because I have my period and I’ve been a bit crampy. Who knows.

I just am excited about the attic and I’ll stay focused on that.

XOXO Anna

Progress

Progress at home has been made. Little progress, but still it’s something and it makes me happy.

Cody got to my house yesterday evening and my dad and mom sat down and talked with him and Cody said that my parents told him how much they appreciated all Cody’s done for me, and my dad said, “If you leave her, I’ll shoot you.” Apparently my mom’s dad told my dad the same thing. See, if my dad said that, then that means a lot because in the past my dad didn’t care about my boyfriends. He always knew they wouldn’t last, or didn’t really care for the guy at all and just entertained me by meeting them. It’s nice to know my dad actually likes Cody.

Anyways, it’s early and I let Cody sleep in while I get cereal before we leave for multi-family group. My mom also is coming too, so that should be quite interesting. I’m a bit nervous about it, but glad she is so she will learn a thing or two.

Hoping for a good day!

XOXO Anna

Fun Brunch and More Family Stuff

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Cody and I went out to brunch. After I posted earlier today I took a shower, and I got a safety pin. I kinda started to cry, and I went over where I usually would cut, lightly once. That is usually enough to remind me to not cut. I did that and I didn’t cut. Thinking about Cody and his reaction was enough to keep me from doing it even though it’s what I wanted to do more than anything in those moments. No one’s ever been stronger than my addiction. I am hoping it stays like this, that if I ever do get that close, the thought of Cody and his reaction will keep me from doing it when I can’t convince myself. I told Cody and gave him the safety pin.

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We went to the bar and he got a beer and food and I had some coffee and food. One of his friends was there, like always, and it was nice to see and talk to him. Brunch was really fun and got my mood back up.

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I got home and explained why I wanted my food to be mine. My mom didn’t get it, and I told her I almost cut and she said I was overreacting, and I said that if Cody wasn’t in my life that it wouldn’t be a safety pin she needed to worry about, but a kitchen knife. She didn’t take me seriously and I just got annoyed and walked out to talk to my dad and explain. I apologized, my dad apologized. Things were good. My sister walked in the kitchen and I asked her if she got what I bought. She proceeded with opening the trash and showing me she threw it away.

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I’m now in my room, door locked, sad music playing, trying not to cry. I mean, I knew it was a possibility that she would throw it away, but I knew how much she loved the things I got, so I thought her love of those things would outweigh her hatred of me… I’ll be fine, but it hurt to have her tell me she threw it away and then open the trash, and rub it in my face.

Just another hour before Cody gets out of work and I get out of this house…

XOXO Anna

Unexpected Evenings

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So to catch you guys up since I finally have the energy to really sit down and blog, Cody and I have had two sleepovers now. I slept over his house on monday evening. We went a bit further than the car hookup (but not all the way) and in the morning I was seriously nauseous. I mean holy hell it was bad. Plus while we were at his place and hooking up I kinda had not flashbacks to Owen, but images of Owen entered my head. Even in the car hookup I kinda felt I’m not sure…Kinda an out of body experience a bit, but also I just felt strange. There were moments when I would think of Owen and what he would think if he saw me with Cody. It was strange.

When Cody and I were fooling around at his house I really tried hard to keep myself present and in the moment. There were times when I would be a bit confused as to where I was. Even Monster entered my head. So strange.

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But I went to see Cody play at open Mic night and Serena asked me if I was going but on Monday we kind of got into a fight. Like I am actually really upset at her for saying what she said to me.On Monday I was hanging out with the guy I had the best sex of my life with. He was in town for one day and I figured I wasn’t going to see him again really. I found out he had a girlfriend while hanging with him. If I hadn’t of met Cody and if the guy was single I probably would have wanted to have sex with him again because he knew how to handle me when we did have sex a couple months ago. He earned my trust in bed. But I met Cody (and am so happy about that) and the other guy has a girlfriend so obviously nothing happened. But Serena texted me saying,

“How was last night?” (referring to me hanging with Cody)

“Ummm both good and well yeah idk I mean it’s a conversation for face to face” I replied.

“Everything is a face to face conversation with you.”

(couple hours later on monday)

“5:30 the mall?” she asked.

“Hey I can’t do the mall today, I’m exhausted and I’m seeing that guy I had sex with back at my school we are going to dinner and bowling.”

“Two boys one night. Be careful,” she replied.

“No. Dude, me and Cody didn’t you know…go all the way and trust me I have no plans of doing anything with the other guy,” I said.

“Mhmm”

“What? I’m serious. I’m sore and can’t do anything. I promise I didn’t have sex with Cody. I’m not a whore and I made a promise to myself and I’m keeping it,” I told her.

“I’m not saying you had sex with him or that you’re a whore. I’m just saying you need to learn to be happy without male attention 24/7. I just don’t want you to rely on others to feel good about yourself. I love you.”

“First off, since Owen raped me, which was four months ago I have had pretty much no make attention, so I don’t rely on a guy for my confidence. Yes, any one would say that it’s nice when someone likes you, it’s flattering and it does boost your confidence a bit, but that’s everyone. This guy is here for one day and we are hanging. I’ve had minimal social contact over the past four months. So finally being social has been nice,” I replied.

“I understand all of that but you have told me many times that you find having a male companion one of the most important things in life and that scared me. I just want you to know there’s more to life.”

“Yes, male companions, as in FRIENDS. They are better than girl friends, that’s why it’s important,” I explained.

“Your word was boyfriend or lover or something. I just don’t want you still thinking that is all and you told me the other day you wanted to sleep with that guy. I’ll butt out I just want you to be careful is all.”

“Yeah I wanted to sleep with him for the amazing orgasm but I’m sore and I have no interest anymore. And sleeping with him is a whole different story than sleeping with someone new. I feel safe with him because he respected my no once. I don’t know Cody or any other guy out there well enough,” I said.

“Why are you sore?”

“That’s none of your business,” I said.

“Ew he fingered you”

“Okay five year old.”

“How am I 5?”

“You just said ew he fingered you. It sounded like a child,” I said.

“It’s a text you don’t hear it. Forget it. Have fun tonight. Be careful and what not.”

So that was our conversation and I got really angry because I’ve not had male attention and I’ve been FINE. Hell being alone when Ethan and Eric abandoned me was hard but I learned to love myself and my own company. Then Owen raped me and I have to work to get back to that good place. And for fucks sake, me hanging out with Cody and being able to be physical in any sense is fucking progress! Like fucking hell I know she probably is worried about me with my history, hell everyone is, but what everyone doesn’t realize is that never dating again just makes the PTSD stronger and the rapists win. I will not have that. And when Serena said “Ew he fingered you” it made something that felt good turn into something disgusting and negative which really made me mad because I had made progress on enjoying physical intimacy.

So me and that guy hung out, grabbed dinner, turned out there were no available bowling lanes, so we went back downtown and we ran into Cody. Later that night I said goodbye to that guy and Cody and I went to the bar and he bought me two drinks. We were going to go to this party after but it didn’t work. We went back to his place and you’re caught up on that.

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So in the morning I said I was nauseous. Cody was amazing. He got me water and a banana to make sure I was okay. He gave me a back rub and was just fucking really sweet to me. I even said thank you for being so nice. I also told him I have anorexia because he asked what my therapy session was about since I had to eventually leave. I obviously wasn’t going to tell him I’m there for rapes and PTSD and getting EMDR. So I told him the lesser of two evils. Also in the morning he was like, “Let me know if it’s too much.” (meaning the physical stuff) “Thank god! Yes I’m overwhelmed let’s slow down,” I said. So we agreed to slow down physically so that made me happy and feel more confident and safe.

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Last night I went to the coffee shop for open mic night to support Cody. We had fun and we went to a diner. We talked more and I opened up a bit which was really hard for me but I did it! I talked a bit about Ethan and I think I mentioned Eric. I totally mentioned Quick Silver and Andy. But yeah, then I was telling him about how I took a photo back in high school and how I captured a ghost on my film photo. We went back to my place to look at it. We ended up sitting in my room and talking. Luvas loved Cody. I mean LOVED Cody. I’ve never seen Luvas be social or let anyone else pet him and Luvas rubbed up against Cody and really wanted attention. I guess that’s good sign(?).

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But as we made out we talked and Cody was commenting on how my body is the definition of an hour glass figure and I really was flattered because I had been freaking out over the past couple days about my looks and weight and the way he complimented me wasn’t like idk it was more appreciative than lustful I guess.

But that made me feel good and I was like, “Well I hope you like more than just my appearance.”

He said, “Of course, do you think I would be spending all my time with you if I liked just your appearance. I mean, when I first saw you I was like damn. Then when we talked, everything I said, you got excited and related and as the night went on, when we went to the diner and Serena was like, you’re getting chicken tenders, which was what I wanted, I knew you were awesome.”

“Okay cool, yay,” I replied.

“I honestly wasn’t sure what this was the first time we hooked up, but I don’t know. I don’t really do hookups and I haven’t been with anyone in like five months.”

“I am not the hookup type either and I also wasn’t sure what this was. I also haven’t been with anyone in a couple months.”

Then we talked a bit more and I told him I have a strict no dating friends rule and he asked me what that made him. I told him that I wanted to know what I was to him and he said more than a friend and I agreed that’s the way I thought of him. Then he was like, “Well, tomorrow we’re seeing Avengers, it’s a date.” I smiled and replied, “It’s a date” and kissed him.

So Ahhh so much as happened as you can tell by this long ass post! By the way sorry for it being so long, but I just had to spill my guts about this since no one is being supportive.

When I saw my mom today, she was like, “Cody stayed over?”

“Yeah… I know you’re probably not happy with me, but all we did was make out, I promise. The rule after the Eric thing was no sex in the house and I figured if Cody and I kept it PG then it was okay.”

“I just don’t know…” my mom said.

“Mom you can’t let Eric stop you from letting me see someone or having someone over. I know Eric really hurt you and the whole family for that matter. And I honestly wasn’t sure how I felt about letting Cody stay over at first. I mean, my room was like me and Eric’s room and now Eric has no power over that room. It’s not his domain,” I said.

“I know, I just am worried about you. I don’t want you to get hurt with everything you’ve been through,” Mom said.

“Well, honestly I get that, but honestly if Eric is going to get in the way of Cody’s ability to come to this house you need to talk to a therapist about it because that’s not healthy.”

“No, he can come over I just don’t want you having sex in the house. After Eric…it’s just it really hurt.”

“Don’t rain on my parade. Even my therapist said she was happy to see me smiling for once. She told me to not let myself talk me out of being happy. She told me to enjoy it so please be supportive. This is progress, it’s a step forward.”

“Okay, I know. Just be careful,” mom said.

Mom was floored when I told her Luvas liked Cody and let him pet Luvas.

“That is something,” mom said when I told her.

“See, and animals have good instincts. Trust me I’ve been looking for red flags and I haven’t found any. After everything I’ve been through I am seriously careful. Cody is really nice. He does really sweet things like hold my hand when we sleep or kiss my forehead or cheek or kiss my hand or gives me a back rub. Mom trust me, he is being really nice to me. Plus he agreed he wanted to wait for sex. I mean, hello! What guy waits for sex? He is like a freaking unicorn. They don’t exist! And after all the bad guys I’ve dealt with it’s nice to have a guy treat me as a person. It’s nice that he wants to wait too because honestly that really means a lot to me,” I explained. (also there are times when he kisses me with such passion I can feel it in my toes!)

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“Okay, I will support you, just be careful,” Mom said.

Later this morning I ate breakfast and Cody texted me that there were no movie times that worked because he gets off at five and needs to be back to work at nine for a meeting but he said we could still hang. So I agreed and now I’m going to enjoy my day!

I deserve to be happy and I am honestly kinda freaking because this is my first crush since Owen. It’s a step forward and I see all of what’s happened as progress and no one’s bad attitude is going to stop me from trying.

XOXO Anna

Can’t believe I’m leaving…

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These past couple weeks I’ve been trying to grasp the fact that I truly am leaving. It’s honestly super bittersweet. I was talking to my councilor at the rape crisis center and it was just sad. I am leaving something behind. I am leaving some friends, and a beautiful town.

But I am also leaving those who betrayed me, those who hurt me, and those who abused me.

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It’s just scary to start over. Exciting yes! Very much so. Honestly I can’t wait. I really just want to be in the town I’ll be going to school, and I want to explore. But it saddens me to leave some of my friends. To leave to good memories.

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Why is change and leaving so hard? Why so painful yet so wonderful?

XOXO Anna

My Moms in town!

So she just got in yesterday. We hung out and got groceries yesterday, and today we’ve hung downtown and gone shopping and just had a fun day. We plan to go to the movies later today and we’ve just been hanging out and getting along really well. I am so glad my mom came to town. It’s really made me feel better.

XOXO Anna

My mom’s coming to visit!

Super happy! She is coming this weekend to visit me, given the current circumstances. I am really excited and happy because sometimes a girl just needs her mom, and I need my mom. I really do. I need her compassion and love, because right now I don’t have anyone else to give it to me. I have been doing my best to be compassionate and loving to myself, but there are times when I forget to be.

XOXO Anna

Got Sui back!

So I just got Sui back from my friend who took care of him while I was away. I am so happy to have him back. I didn’t realize how much I missed him until now. He is happily swimming in his bowl and looks healthy.

Although, he hasn’t really wanted to eat today. Maybe it’s from being moved, and all. I plan to get him a light for his bowl and a moss ball to keep him happy.

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XOXO Anna

Dinner was great!

I am so happy I got a chance to see my science teachers family before I left. The kids loved their presents, and the dinner was so good! Their dog was so sweet and energetic. The hour drive was totally worth it. Though, I am so exhausted now. I still have to pack and my flight is tomorrow in the afternoon :/

C’est la vie!

XOXO Anna

Searching for Comfort

With things being hectic, emotionally speaking, I have been searching for anything to comfort me and keep me in an emotionally neutral state. I don’t want to become too hyped or too down about anything because it is very annoying for me and those around me.

So I have been listening to music I listened to in middle school, and been watching some of my favorite movies. I even have this stuffed animal that I sleep with. I know, I am in college, but this stuffed animal means a lot to me. I got it with my roommate, who was my best friend in freshman year, on a trip I took with her. This stuffed animal is a Lynx, and Monster loved it and I left it at his place and his dog got it, so Link, as Monster named the stuffed animal, has no nose. For some reason that stuffed animal gives me comfort. Maybe because we both got hurt around Monster?

I’ve also been doing creative things, like writing my stories. That’s been a good mood stabilizer, that is unless I start to get really hyped up because I just totally wrote an amazing chapter. Also just having tea or hot chocolate has made me content too.

Self-care is hard for me. I’ve always struggled with it. But Fall Quarter, though a lot of hell went on, I learned a lot about taking care of myself and being self-reliant. I guess since I was home I didn’t really use what I learned.

But I am getting back on track, and hopefully my eating and moods go back to “normal”, whatever normal is. 😛

XOXO Anna

Love At First Sight

That is my parents love story. They are living proof that Love at first sight exists.

My parents got married after knowing each other for three months and because they lived on opposite sides of the country(mom in LA, dad in NYC)  they saw each other about three times in the span of the three months.

My mom had gotten out of a bad relationship about six months before she met my father. My father was in a relationship when he met my mother. Of course my father ended the relationship he was in at some point.

Anyways, neither of them wanted to meet, but a mutual friend said that they had to meet.

My mom said that the second she walked in the room, and she and my father made eye contact there was this spark, this energy.

After my father had to go back to NYC to work, days after he got back, my mom had a knock on the door, and a man held a bouquet of flowers. “There’s more,” the delivery man said. In the end my moms whole apartment was filled with flowers. It was a small apartment, but the whole apartment was filled she said.

Weeks later she visited my father in NYC. My father asked her to move in, and she said no. It was crazy for her to move across the country and give up her job without a real commitment. Days later, my parents were in a restaurant and my dad said, “Will you marry me?” My mom got up and went to the bathroom.

She was freaking out. She knew it was crazy, the whole thing. She came back out and sat down and said, “Yes.”

My mom moved to NYC, they got married at city hall, and made a day of it with their best friend, who was the witness, and their neighbor, who was a photographer.

To this day they are happy. They make me believe in love. They inspire me to take chances, and have faith. ❤

XOXO Anna

Got my 30 day chip yesterday!

So before my date last night I went to AA because I didn’t get a chance to go this weekend, and I got my 30 day chip, which I am so proud of!

I have grown to really enjoy certain members in AA. Some have been there since my first meeting. There’s this one guy, who I have become fond of, not romantically, but as in I can look up to him, and when I told him I was getting my chip as we were walking into the meeting he said, “I’m so happy for you,” and gave me a hug. It was interesting to see that others were proud and happy for me too.

It was a good feeling. I am actually sad that I’m too sick to get out of my apartment today. I really wanted to go to my class and to an AA meeting- not that I have the urge to drink. I don’t. I just wanted to go because I enjoy the company of the others in AA.

XOXO Anna

Home!

So I am home and it’s great to be away from school. My sister will be getting in sometime today. I also have a scale at my house and that used to be something that would hinder me from eating depending on the number, but now I use it to make sure my number doesn’t go down…which it has by 3 pounds. It isn’t that bad since it’s been 3.5 weeks since I weighed myself. But still, losing weight is not an option for me. I also figured I had to, just by the way some of my clothes fit.

Now the challenge is to get that weight back. That means no more half-assing my recovery. I have to really stick to my meal plan, and no more skipping meals. I’ve gotten a bit too casual with that. Speaking of which, I just woke up (around noon) so I technically missed breakfast…But I will make up for it later today hopefully.

Also had a really strange dream last night. Eric was in it. So I woke up sad because in the dream I think we made up. Also Vampires were in my dream which was also weird.

Last night one of my cat’s was inside and came and slept in my bed with me and curled up under the covers with me. That was very comforting.

I know not much has happened since my last post, but this is a more relaxed and happy that life is not stressful at the moment post.

XOXO Anna