Cody’s Recovery…Day 8

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Yesterday Cody and I ended up talking which was obviously very helpful. Cody worded something very strangely and we talked about it this morning too. He said that he wanted to know if there was a chance that we were going to break up because if there was he would want to know because he said he thought that if he thought we were fine then he wouldn’t put the effort in as much, like getting me roses, or doing the little things. So you can see why the way he worded it made me…confused. We talked about it and he said he didn’t know why he said that, but he knew he should be putting in effort regardless.

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Cody has been honest with me since I found out everything, and we’ve been talking, trying to have fun, and trying to have a sex life where one of us isn’t “off” which would make it not work. Like last night we were going to get each other off in the shower after we had sex, but for me I couldn’t do it because my thoughts were wrapped up in the past to the times that he would get off to porn in the shower behind my back. Hell I can’t get off even if I’m alone in the shower… so that makes me upset. I’m sure with time that will change, but at the moment it kind of sucks.

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We have couples therapy tomorrow, which I am looking forward too. I need guidance. I need to know that we are making progress. And yes I need to hear it from a professional, I can’t trust Cody and I can’t trust myself to know that Cody is being honest. That’s something I hate, not even being able to trust my own intuition. I mean, I knew something was off with Cody and me over this past year, I just couldn’t put the pieces together. At the moment I am feeling like something small is off between Cody and I, and maybe it’s just because we both are going from happy to depressed which makes things confusing. I feel lost at times and then at other times I know exactly where Cody and I are going.

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Richard didn’t show up yesterday at all, which made me happy, and I can only pray that today will be the same. Also praying that rebuilding trust will be easier than my pessimistic personality anticipates it to be…

XOXO Anna

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Paralyzed

 

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As you know, Cody and I moved into an apartment recently (as in two weeks ago). We had already been living together at my parents house for the past nine months, so living together isn’t anything new. At our new apartment it’s been hectic. I commute to the city 3 times a week for school and on my days off I babysit and my nights off he goes to parkour. He works all week. We see each other in the evening at 9 pm on weekdays. We either eat dinner and pass out when I get home or we skip dinner and pass out.

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I’ve been the one who initiates sex…like most of the time. He rarely initiates. Lately, and I assume it’s because he is tired or stressed, has not been receptive to my sexual advances. I remember him once telling me he didn’t initiate sex because of my rapes in the past and didn’t want me to feel pressured. Well, Cody let me know the other night he hates saying no to me for sex because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. Now I feel as if I’ve pressured him into sex many times, and I honestly hate myself for that. He said I never pressured him because it’s not like he doesn’t want to have sex with me, it’s more of he is just too tired at that minute. But I still feel like absolute crap.

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As you might also know Cody and I have been having issues with talking and connecting. All day today between my finals, I was looking up how to deal with having a higher sex drive than your partner, or does he like me anymore, or how to be a better girlfriend (because I feel so god damn bad about sex and Cody). I’ve looked up so many things. If you went through my history on my phone alone from today it would take you awhile, not to mention the search history on my computer. It’s hard to try to put the dots together with so many different suggestions…but I decided to try some of this stuff out.

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I read that when emotional intimacy fades it’s because one partner has been in the conflict stage, thus bringing the other partner into the conflict stage, then one partner retreats into the withdrawal stage. And only when one partner (the one who is more sensitive to when the relationship is falling apart or has an issue) rises above, and sacrifices all their frustrations and chooses love and compassion can they only get back to intimacy.

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So that’s exactly what I just tried. I got off the train, went to the bar Cody and I always go to, waited for him, and for an hour and a half I let him talk about space and science. Also since the porn thing Cody lets me check his phone everyday, and today I said, “No I don’t want to,” and he opened his phone and scrolled through his history to prove to me I made the right decision to trust him. I have to admit that did make me feel better. I also decided I should really start making more of an effort to trust Cody, and maybe then…maybe…he might just actually open up to me and want to talk to me about…well his emotions and feelings and thoughts. At the bar, an hour and a half of him talking about space and science, without me getting more than a sentence in the whole time…that was …a challenge… I love him, I love that he gets so excited, but I was having trouble focusing on it all because of how over my head it all was. Plus drinking didn’t help me focus. Then he suggested we get ice cream. I said I was fine, but I would treat him to it. I got him a chocolate shake (his favorite) and we went home, played with Luvas, and then Cody actually initiated sex. Problem is, I was trying everything I could to avoid sex. Yes, me withdrawing.

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I just didn’t want to try to have sex and him see how not into it I would be. So we went to the bedroom and I decided to fuck it and give it a shot, how bad could it be, right? I also read about how to get the guy more into sex and all that. I did one of the suggestions, which was to ask about the guys deepest darkest sexual fantasy.

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I was over him making out with him, giving him a hand job, and I said, “Tell me what you want me to do.” He looked at me confused and said, “Uh…fuck me hard?” Not what I was expecting but I said okay. I continued making out, figuring he didn’t get what I was asking so I said, “What is your deepest darkest fantasy? Besides a threesome because I can’t physically pull that off right now.” (side note I would never be okay with a threesome…unless it really was the only way to save a relationship) He responded “I don’t know…” So we continued making out. Also I never really go for the balls…they just kind of freaked me out all of my sex life because I didn’t know what to do with them, but I gave it a shot, and he loved it. Now not so scared to massage them while giving a hand job. He said, “That would feel amazing while blowing me,” and I replied, “Well I was going to do that,” and he perked up and we continued kissing.  He started to go down on me, which I was not expecting at all. “What, I can tease you too,” he said. He was fine, did well, and stopped. I always feel like he doesn’t enjoy it, which makes it hard for me to enjoy it, and when I see he isn’t hard when he gets up to wash his face, that made me feel not sexy and like he didn’t enjoy it, but I tried to focus on getting turned on so I could blow him.

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He got back in the room and I blew him while massaging his balls and well…he came quite fast. Like five minutes fast. Not an issue because my jaw was killing me the whole time, but I knew that if he came it meant we didn’t have to have sex, and then he wouldn’t be able to see that I wasn’t going to be into it. He came in my mouth and it tasted terrible -he just had beer- and so I ran to the sink to spit it out. I also was quite triggered but wanted to do something nice for him, so I tried to not think about past abuse and shit and got through it.

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Let’s just say this is so not how I wanted this evening to happen. I was hoping that maybe I would surprise Cody when he got home from parkour in lingerie and high heels, hair and makeup done… I don’t know… something nice, and then show him what I wanted from him sexually. In our conversation from the other day when well…sex didn’t exactly happen…he couldn’t stay aroused…and this wasn’t the first time this past month… so that also has made me feel a bit insecure, but I’m trying to brush it off. But anyways, I told Cody that sex for the past couple times wasn’t satisfying me emotionally, which it really hasn’t (hence why I didn’t want to have sex with him this afternoon). I don’t want to have sex with him if I don’t feel close to him. I mean if he was a fuck buddy or friends with benefits, hell I wouldn’t care, I would fuck him so hard and be dirty and crazy and wild with him, but I care about him and that makes it hard to have sex with him when I feel so emotionally…distant.

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So when we went back to the bedroom after I went down on him he said, “Don’t think this is going to go unrewarded. When I get home from parkour…” and he had this look. I replied, “It’s okay you don’t have to.” He said, “Come on, I’m not going to leave you hanging.” I said, “Really I don’t care, it’s fine.” His reply was, “Unless you push my head away and say no-” and I cut him off saying, “Which is what’s going to happen.” He said, “We will see.”  I hated that he used the word “rewarded” as in sex is a commodity where you get rewarded for good behavior (getting sex or oral) or punished for bad behavior…that’s the connotation it had for me.

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We cuddled. He went to parkour. I’m here blogging, sitting in a warm bath trying to relax and figure out what the hell I’m going to do to get us back on track. But I hate that it’s my job to do this. If I didn’t…Cody and I probably wouldn’t be together because he would never mention anything. *sigh*

Hoping to figure out a solution soon!

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XOXO Anna

Round and Round…Boys I Need Your Help!

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I feel like I keep going in circles. One second Cody and I are great, we talked, things seem like it’s going to improve and get better, then a couple days go by and we are back to where we started.

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I just want to know how to really be able to create positive change in our relationship. That talk we had about all the potential problems, or actual problems in the relationship…well it was okay, I guess. I felt bad because I was the one naming things that were wrong, i.e. forgetfulness, or asking him to talk to me with expressing feelings, or just wanting some quality time or even sex. I asked him what I needed to improve on, besides me losing my temper and yelling sometimes, because that is something I need to work on. Cody said nothing. That is complete bullshit, right? I am not that perfect. No one is that perfect.

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Also Cody never likes any of my posts on Facebook, and I’ve mentioned to him a lot that it makes me feel like he doesn’t care about my posts. He is always liking all of his friends posts. I bet that if I didn’t even post on Facebook, there would be no connection between us except for the “in relationship with” status. I asked him the other day why he didn’t like the post about the ring on Facebook and he said he didn’t know. I asked again today when he was on Facebook but didn’t like anything on my page and then he went on my page and liked everything on my page. How meaningless was that. I am sure he didn’t read any of the articles. I guess I just wanted him to care, but maybe I was asking for too much. Maybe the solution is to stop posting about us… maybe just post things about me and my life. Not our life. Then I can’t get offended when he doesn’t like anything of mine, because it’s just my stuff, not stuff about us. I know a stupid petty thing to most people, but to me it means something, but I will just have to let that one go for the good of our relationship.

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This is our conversation from maybe 10 minutes ago. I said, “K” to something he said. He knows when I say “K” I’m not happy. I told him that I was like this way before the conversation we were currently having, I was feeling this way when we talked earlier. He said, “Ok”… this is why I feel like I’m going in circles. He didn’t care. Look at that response. I told him that when we have conversations where feelings are involved (which Cody knows that I am not happy) that we both express our feelings and not give one word answers. *sigh* Again, behaviors not changing.

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Boys… I need your input here. Maybe I am being a stupid girl and not understanding how “guys are.” Cody and I recently talked about what I’ve mentioned above and even the fact that Cody just doesn’t open up to me much. Cody didn’t realize there was a problem in the relationship because he feels so close to me, which I said was because I am open with him. “I know you so well,” Cody said after guessing something I was thinking, and I replied, “Yeah you do, if only I knew you like that.” That is when it hit him that he wasn’t open much with me. I also talked to him about thought processes. I am a very introspective person. I think about why I think,do, feel things. If I feel angry at Cody I think about why and what caused it. If I feel stressed, I think about why. Cody’s normal response to any question that is not on a superficial level is “I don’t know.” My question to you guys out there is are boys not introspective? Do they just do things, say things, think things, without actually thinking about the why? Do they don’t realize why they feel a certain way? Do they not know why they would say something, or act a certain way? Or is it that boys don’t want to dig that deep in fear of finding out why? And I am not by any means saying all guys are the same, I just am wondering if the majority of guys are like this. So I would love any feedback I can get.

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I want to be very patient and very understanding with Cody and not blow up at him or say anything mean. I want to express to him in a way that maybe sinks in how much of a problem these things are without hurting him or making him feel offended. I’ve tried talking to him about some of these things multiple times with some change, little change, or no change depending on what it is. Am I just not being an effective communicator? Feeling at a loss as to how to move forward… guess it’s time to start searching psychology articles…again. I just want to feel loved again, you know? I logically know Cody loves me, I see it in some of the things he does, like being late for work to make sure I’m okay. Then there are things I’ve mentioned and it’s as if I’ve been ignored because nothing changes. Is there something I’m missing? I thought I was being direct, which guys like. Well…I’m going to get back to my final paper and studying…which means getting out the alcohol. Thanks for reading my frustrations.

XOXO Anna

Everything Happens For A Reason

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If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know the things I’ve been through since I went to college. It’s been over three years since my first sexual assault, over two years since my first rape, and over a year since my second rape. Going through that, I honestly thought my life was pretty much over. At least romantically… even friendships seemed too hard to have.

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This past year, being with Cody, he has taught me so much. I honestly never thought I would be “over” what happened to me. I live with it everyday, but it’s not as bad as it once was. Sure I have my off days where I will blame myself, or hate myself, or tell myself I deserved to be treated that way, but there are days where I know that it wasn’t my fault, and I love myself, and I know that I should be treated with respect.

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The progress I’ve made…I never thought I would get to such a good place, especially in the after math of it happening. Especially with friends either blaming me, taking the rapists side, or leaving me. I didn’t think I could heal. But I did. I have, and am still healing every day.

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There are days where I want to still curl up under the covers and cry because when I think back to it or if I have flashbacks -which rarely happen these days- I feel unsafe and scared. But those days are rare now. They are not my everyday experience. It’s taken a long time to heal, to really think that I can be loved after what I’ve been through. To believe that I should be treated with respect. For me to be able to believe that…it’s huge.

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Because of what I’ve gone through it’s made me want to do something. Do something to help other survivors, and yes if you’ve been through this or any type of trauma you are a survivor. It takes an enormous amount of strength to get through a trauma. Be proud of how strong you are. Acknowledge it. I did. That is probably one of my favorite things about me, is how resilient I am and how strong I am. I wouldn’t change a thing about what I’ve been through. It’s shaped me into the person I am today. I am strong, determined, resilient, brave, courageous, and I don’t back down and cower. For me, going through those trauma’s really in the end made me a better person. It took time to understand that though.

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After my trauma’s I hated myself, thought I was worthless, and wanted to kill myself at times. It’s taken a long time to get to this point of self-love, and acceptance. I still struggle, but for the most part I am okay.

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I am still not at the point where I feel I can be “out” about it, but I’ve made a lot of progress with it. I am pursuing a career in justice because of what I’ve gone through, and because of what almost every one of my girlfriends tell me they’ve gone through. I want to help the survivors and stop the perpetrators. I want things to change. I want there to be better sex education in schools. I think that over the past couple years, that there have been a lot of steps forward regarding rape issues, and talking about it. Rape used to never be talked about. Now it’s everywhere.

In my police class, my professor when talking about rape, I could see how disgusted he was. He hated how hard it was to convict a rapist, and he really was upset that rape is the only crime where the victim is accused. I personally didn’t have the best experience with the police and my rapes, but just seeing my professor be so affected helped.

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I know I can’t be a cop, due to my anorexia, and I don’t know if I could cut it as a lawyer. I do want to pursue my forensic psychology studies, but I also want to be a therapist. I have helped a lot of my friends, and even my own therapist said I would be a good therapist. That meant a lot to me. She was the therapist I saw for my traumas, and I worked with her until maybe a month ago.

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I want to be able to help survivors in some way. Whether it’s helping them through therapy, or emails and talking to them, or being a volunteer at a shelter. To me, helping others is the best thing I could do with my life. I love when I can really help  a person, and keep them from making mistakes I’ve made or I know others have made. I like seeing other people succeed. That is what brings me the greatest happiness. With going through what I’ve been through, it just made it so much more clear that’s where I want my life to go; to helping others.

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Hopefully through some of my blog posts I’ve helped people or at least they’ve learned through my own mistakes. If anyone ever wants to reach out, or even just ask me a question that you would want me to post about, or have a topic you want me to write about, email me and I would love to. I want to be able to write about things you guys want to read about.

Email: anonymousannaxo@gmail.com

(anything emailed to me will stay private if you want me to answer a type of question. I will just say Reader X asked this. As you know by my blog I like to keep things anonymous because it is safer and a more open environment)

XOXO Anna

Change

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I quit my job because it was keeping me from eating, and I went back to treatment this week and it was hell, and I’m not going back next week.

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I would eat if they gave me foods I liked. Is it really that much to ask to sub Almonds for Honey mustard? (they both equal one fat exchange) Honestly it’s a little ridiculous that they won’t let you do that. I would have eaten the meal with minimal issues had they been able to sub that.

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I don’t take well to being “force fed”. When I was younger, I had a nanny who made food I hated and I wasn’t allowed to leave the table until my plate was clean. It was pretty traumatizing for me, and being in treatment where they won’t sub something as simple as a condiment, and they force me to eat it because at that low level of treatment you’re not allowed to have ensure is bullshit.

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So my mom and I looked into therapists that specialize in eating disorders. I find that the therapy groups of treatment are really beneficial but the treatment team forcing me to eat something I wouldn’t eat in my life outside of treatment is stupid. I mean, one therapist said, “What happens when you’re at a restaurant and you see a salad with craisins on it? Are you just not going to eat the craisins?”

When I told Cody this, he pretty much exploded with, “Why the fuck would you order salad with craisins on it at a restaurant if you don’t like craisins? It doesn’t make any sense.”

That’s true. Isn’t the point of treatment supposed to be getting the person to eat normally again? I am a picky eater, I admit to that. But if they gave me foods I actually like, or even a food I like in a different style that I haven’t had before I wouldn’t fight it. I would sit there and eat the meal. Sure I might have the anxiety I have, but it wouldn’t be unbearable.

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I am doing okay with my eating I think. I mean, do I have the urges to restrict? Oh HELL YEAH I DO. But I haven’t been doing it so much. I mean, I’ve been trying to eat through out the day. It’s hard though. Some days it’s as if I’m fine and other days someone has to sit down with me and eat with me. These days I’ve ben using music to deal with overwhelming emotions, so that’s more positive than other things I could be doing.

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I honestly hate anorexia and eating disorders in general. They can be so hard to overcome at times. I am sick of being sick. I am sick of having to have an internal battle about whether it’s okay to eat or not. I just want to eventually get to a place where I can eat normally with others and have minimal anxiety around it.

XOXO Anna

Helping that Suicidal Friend Again

This time when I went over he was wasted, and I was in over my head. I didn’t know what to do, so I texted Quick Silver, and he talked to Andy and they both headed over. They helped me a lot with that friend. The thing was, I was not in a really good place to help him because he texted me while I was having my own PTSD breakdown. It wasn’t too bad and I wasn’t too far into it, but I was in a state where I was triggered easily. After a while of us being with him and watching a movie, Andy said that Quick Silver and I could go home. I think Andy saw how hard it was for me to keep it together.

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When Quick Silver and I got back to my place we hung out. I got my profile from him finally. I mentioned in an earlier post that I had given Quick Silver my profile of him, but he didn’t give mine because it was too late. So that was interesting to hear. We talked about my anorexia and how having no lighters and safety pins has made me fall back on my anorexia a bit. I’ve been doing my best to eat, but I tend to skip one meal.

I also had found video’s of Owen on my computer from last quarter and I had watched them before I went to help my friend. Quick Silver put the video’s on an external hard drive, so he could put them on his computer but delete them on mine. I was adamant about the video’s not being deleted. Quick Silver asked if he thought they would be helpful in the investigation and I said I had no idea, so Quick Silver was going to watch them and get back to me.

Quick Silver had a really sad experience in the romantic department this week. I would tell it, but I’m going to respect his privacy on this. I felt bad for him in the end, because when he was telling the story it seemed promising. But talking about romance got me down. It made me think about how I feel as though I’ll never have that sweet innocent feeling again regarding romance. Quick Silver assured me I would.

Also! I got Quick Silver to write, which he never does because as he says his hand writing is “dog shit” and yeah. He is left handed though, so that makes him cooler. His hand writing is kinda bad but it doesn’t matter to me. So he crumpled up what he wrote and I got mad at him because I wanted to keep it. I got it back from him and said I was going to tape it on the wall, then Quick Silver started to wrestle me for it. I have to say one of my favorite things is when we wrestle. It reminds me of how I used to hang with my old guy friends I think.

But I am glad I saw Quick Silver and Andy, I really was hoping I would see them sometime this weekend. I know Andy is on set, and so am I. I think Quick Silver’s set fell through but he has his script to work on, so I figured we would all be too busy. I am glad they came to help me because I was warned that my friend apparently has a violent streak when drunk.

Andy and Quick Silver are giving me an idea of what friendship is like, good friendship. It’s where you guys get to hang out have fun, yet be there for someone on the bad days too, and you don’t walk out on them.

XOXO Anna

Suicidal friend

So two nights ago, I was napping and was woken up by a suicidal text from one of my friends who I don’t really hang out with a lot. He hangs out with Ethan and Dean a lot though. I kept on texting him until he didn’t respond. I got in my car and sped over to him.

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I was angry and scared, I was banging on his door, yelling to him for him to answer me. He opened the door and I asked him how many pills he took, he only took three. They are some heart medication for anxiety that slows the heart down. I asked him if he drank anything, and he said no.

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I stayed over there for about an hour or two and talked to him, and got him to open up. This guy NEVER opens up, but I got him too. He is in serious pain and is using drugs, alcohol and self harm to deal. He refuses to get any help. I reported him to one of the school therapists, and they reached out to him and he got mad at me, but is surprisingly still talking to me.

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I am hoping to make sure he does see a therapist but I can only help him so much. I think he is doing better though. He invited me to go to an art show tonight, but I can’t because I’m in class at that time. I actually talked to Ethan that night to get information on how our friend had been acting for the past couple weeks.

I think that he will be doing better this week, and I’ll be checking on him. I just hope he takes my advice and gets some help.

XOXO Anna