Betraying Trust

tumblr_nipf9uqoXx1u8cp30o1_500

I probably should have posted about this when it happened. I guess I thought I didn’t need to write about it to process it but I was wrong. I posted about how Cody and I had a bit of a fight but I never wrote what really happened. Well, now I am going to write about it. I need to so I can process my emotions.

tumblr_nhq02rro5f1rge4fho1_500

If you’ve read my blog you will know that I struggle with anorexia. That doesn’t just include thinking I don’t have a good body, it also includes being majorly threatened by other girls. I have really disliked having girlfriends since I was six years old. That is because of Skyler, a girl friend of mine who was basically the definition of Mean Girls. I felt like I lived that movie. She told me that no guy would like me unless it was for my body. I really internalized that message growing up. I also learned from a very early age that, or was taught to think that, guys want sex. That’s all they want.

tumblr_newb5qYVpj1tws9iro9_400

Now that you know that about me, I will proceed. Cody, his dad, sister, brother, uncle, grandfather, and grandmother and me were all sitting down to dinner in this Chinese restaurant. Cody pulled out his phone and was about to search something. I saw porn on his history. I know that to maybe most girls that’s fine. To me it tore me apart. See, Cody knows about my body image issues, plus he knows about my ex who was addicted to porn. We agreed early in the relationship he wouldn’t look at porn.

tumblr_nnswtyAvJR1uudmm2o1_250

So seeing that on his phone, I felt utterly and completely devastated and betrayed. Cody took me outside and we kinda fought. I told him I couldn’t handle it. Cody said that because he was staying at his house and living his old life, he did it out of habit. For him it would be a habit, probably one that’s hard to break, because he used to get off twice a day with porn before he met me for about 14 years. So yeah it’s a bad habit. He didn’t watch it though. He just typed it into his phone, and then realized that he would be hurting me and exited the page. So yay for that. But I just feel…well not good enough.

tumblr_mcimg926Hm1r11y1eo1_500

Cody has explained that him doing that has nothing to do with me. My anorexia sunk it’s teeth into this one and has it’s jaw locked though. I have been eating though…but every time I think about it I feel not good enough. I know the irrationality there. Cody promised me that he would never do it again. I want to trust him. But I feel like some trust has been broken.

tumblr_mi2b3hb0V81qd0tcho1_500

To me him doing that meant I wasn’t good enough. Or that he wants something/someone else. Of course Cody has already told me that’s not the case. I can’t help that I feel that way though. I am hurting. I don’t know how to get over it. I know it was a reflex to an old habit… but the fact that he had the urge to do that hurt. My anorexia really locked onto this. That anorexic voice in my head is killing me.

tumblr_n1vs6gSqIM1s9prw9o1_250

How does one move past a betrayal of trust, big or small? I’ve never been in a long-term healthy relationship. This is my first. I know relationships go through ups and downs. Cody offered to give me his phone while I will be at my house tonight, that way I would know he wouldn’t be betraying my trust. I took the first step in trusting him though. I said he could keep his phone and that I am trying to trust him again by letting him have it.

tumblr_nxqd0uDjFK1qm2f03o1_500

So yeah. Is that how you get trust back? By slowly giving them chances to prove themselves to you? I love Cody beyond comprehension, and I thought he wouldn’t do something to hurt me like that. I guess I am just in shock too. Cody always was this guy who, yes had his flaws, but wouldn’t do anything that would hurt me. He is human though. People hurt people.

tumblr_nc5mcfIZWr1tq4of6o1_500

After Monster, I made a three strikes rule. Three strikes and you’re out. Three makes a pattern. With Cody if he were to hit strike three, I honestly don’t think I would walk away. I couldn’t. I mean, this porn thing was his second offense. Early in the relationship I found a pic of a naked girl on his phone. He also at that time knew that would hurt me, but again, it’s a bad habit. So with that and the porn thing, it just made me feel insecure.

tumblr_n0c4vwo1Gc1sjl3wso1_500

I wrote in a past post about consistency. Consistency is key with me. Especially after going through a string of abusive relationships. I’ve described myself as an abused dog in a shelter before. See, Cody has given me consistency with his word and the fact that he is trustworthy. But since this was not consistent with his behavior it has shaken me. I guess once he is consistent again I’ll trust again.

tumblr_n91wtn63Mb1tq4of6o1_500

Also Cody and I leave for GA this sunday! I am excited about that. He will get to meet all my friends and I’ll show him all of the places I would hang out. I’ve missed GA so much! Super excited to be going back for a week as a birthday present from my parents!

tumblr_n61rn7u6RJ1qikmd9o1_500

But any comments with advice would be greatly appreciated. Again, first real, serious, longterm, healthy relationship. Kinda clueless at times about all this. Thanks for reading.

XOXO Anna

Advertisements

Love Hate Relationship

tumblr_nu4yw6g0nh1rx5emdo1_250

I want to first state that I love my mom. But there are times when she drives me crazy! The other night my mom came into my bedroom and asked to talk to Cody and I. I was sitting on the bed while Cody was about to start gaming. My mom starts talking to us about my eating (or lack there of) and I’m already annoyed.

tumblr_nmijtyv5xI1sliirlo1_400

Then she goes on to say to Cody, “Come on Cody, isn’t she too much to handle? I know you must feel that way.” My mom is staring at him with that face that says “agree with me.” Cody looks back to her and says, “Not at all. She isn’t too much.”

tumblr_inline_n9jps3yTKI1qb19wj

Then my mom pulls the whole, “You two are 21, of course she is too much to handle.” That’s a hot button issue with Cody, when people tell him that because of his age he can’t understand or do something.

tumblr_n6gk0zF1vT1sdyulzo2_250

When my mom left Cody and I talked and he tried to make me feel better. He really was annoyed at my mom because she thinks we are young 21 year olds in love and that it isn’t a serious relationship. It couldn’t be more opposite than that.

tumblr_n8mbgik11e1rd6729o1_500

Cody and I love each other. Not the whole bullshit in love thing, but actually love each other for who we are, flaws and all. We live together, we are able to compromise very well, and we get through disagreements/fights in a healthy and quick way. We also talk about the future, our career goals and family goals. Cody isn’t just one of my boyfriends. He is a partner, someone I can see in my future by my side being my team mate in life. I’ve never felt that way about anyone of my other boyfriends. Those relationships were the young and in love bullshit relationships that I knew would never work. Cody is different.

tumblr_np85otoFsk1uvf8tso1_500

I just wish my mom could see that we are serious about each other. I wish she could accept that not everyone in life will bail because I’m “too much.” Why would she even tell me that? I even told her the other week to stop telling me that I’m “too much” for Cody to handle. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve someone as good as Cody. Why would she ask Cody if I’m too much to handle for him in front of me? My therapist and I came to the conclusion that she is projecting. Maybe she feels like I’m too much for her to handle. But what parent feels that way about their child?

XOXO Anna

 

Drunk and Hurt

tumblr_n9qcxarnGE1rlnbkeo1_250

tumblr_muu0ctUjXs1swfctgo1_250

So I am drunk. I know I said I got through Monsters anniversary… but I saw Ethan wish Monster a happy birthday on the 10th. It really hurt me beyond belief. I wrote out a note to get out my feelings. Part of me wants to post it and part of me is hesitant. I am not sure what I’m going to do, but I want to be understood. I want someone to understand the pain that Ethan has caused by staying by my rapists side.

XOXO Anna

Old Issues

So today is me and Cody’s three month anniversary. Just putting that out there. But anyways that’s not what I wanted to talk about on this post.

So if you’ve read my past posts you will know that Cody and I each have full access to the other’s phone. I went on his phone this morning to see if he added any gifs or images from an app called iFunny in his photo gallery. I sadly discovered something else that I honestly wish I never saw.

tumblr_inline_n4wlvvyrBP1qb19wj

tumblr_my1dktt3jm1s2oeico1_500

As an anorexic I am hypersensitive when it comes to girls and their looks, especially models and such. I know maybe some girls are fine when their bf has naked photos of other girls on their phone but I am NOT one of those girls. To me it is just plain disrespectful to your partner. I don’t care how big that boot-ay is or if her tits are ginormous. It’s fucking disrespectful to your partner, ESPECIALLY if they’ve already told you this… like i don’t know, maybe when you first started dating?!? Yeah. I have some anger…

tumblr_mcimg926Hm1r11y1eo1_500

tumblr_nngw9uR8Pb1s2a6pdo1_500

I found a naked picture of a blonde with a “nice ass.” For me and my own experience with anorexia, I know that I compare myself to other girls, it’s just part of my disorder. But in past relationships when stuff like nude photos of other girls or even porn came up I compared myself to the girl the guy had on their phone and was driven to be what the girl on their phone looked like. Yeah, I know it’s probably stupid to most people reading this, but back then that is what I did.

tumblr_ndo3n4Ecsk1tysr3vo1_500

tumblr_nbrmd9ub7M1s2wio8o1_500

I know that I am good enough for Cody, but when I find a pic like that on his phone it makes me feel like I am not good enough. It makes me feel like I don’t satisfy him. It just brings up old insecurities. Now am I mad or hurt about the girl in the photo? NO. I am mad that it was on his phone. I am mad because I’ve told him ages ago, when I originally found tons of naked girls on his phone that it was an issue with me.

tumblr_m9y0stPmRa1qffn6mo1_r1_500

It just feels like a betrayal… because he knew how I felt about that. Of course he deleted the photo and apologized and said he didn’t know why he had the picture except for that she had a nice ass.

tumblr_inline_mn7f6sjo491qz4rgp

tumblr_lic062ODSA1qdnz18

tumblr_nkwuqz4tA61qdae4uo1_500

I am hurting…trying my best not to let it bother me, but oh does it! I mean, I guess I’m more calm than I was earlier because earlier all I could think about was how to get back at him or punish him as a way to show him every time he does that I can do something like that to hurt him back. I know that’s not healthy AT ALL. But I was thinking of it. I know exactly what to do to provoke him too. I could say every time I find a photo like that, I will dress in my “sexy” clothes and I’ll go out to a bar or dancing with people. He would hate that. He hates when I wear my sexy nice outfits out because he wants them just for himself. It’s sweet, but at the same time I’m going to wear nice clothes out no matter what.

tumblr_m8pinyLQPo1qafv9po5_250

But anyways, there are other things I thought of that I knew he would get pissed at if I did. But again I am not the revengeful type and it’s not healthy in a relationship. So I guess we will talk about it? I don’t know. I just feel hurt, mad, betrayed, and pissed as fuck. But anger is an emotion that covers deeper emotions.

tumblr_nj263fCaKi1u63njso1_500

I also bought myself red and white roses when I went to CVS this morning. Hell I thought I deserved it. I haven’t gotten myself roses since maybe the middle of the summer and after finding that photo on his phone hell of course I was going to buy flowers for myself. I can treat myself right. I can love myself and I do.

tumblr_nlieihS9fd1rc3z3ro1_1280

tumblr_mbta8k1igU1ri083lo1_500

Whatever, I am calming down…so yay, the anger is gone and just leaves the hurt. Whatever, Cody and I have a day planned and hopefully it goes well…

XOXO Anna

Building a defense…

So I remember posting about Ethan and our argument about Monster.

I know Ethan apologized that day, but it honestly hurt me very deeply that he said that. It hurt me that Dean told me I should have kept my mouth shut about it, and that it was extreme for me to report Monster. Ethan and Dean have made me feel like shit about doing the right thing.

I really need to talk to both of them, individually, about how their comments hurt me, and re-traumatized me by making me feel alone and as if they were on Monster’s side.

So the past couple days I’ve been building my defense against them. I know, its sad and sick that I would have to do this, but I just don’t know how else to do this. I don’t want to talk to each of them, and then them making it worse by saying that I was wrong all over again.

My sister made me text Ethan saying that I had to talk to him face to face when I got back to school. So Ethan knows I have to talk to him about something. I am honestly nervous to talk to him, because I don’t know what I would do if Ethan still took Monster’s side after the defense file I’ve put together for myself.

The problem is that most people aren’t educated when it comes to sexual assault and rape. Their are a lot of myths and misconceptions, and no one wants to think that their friend, family member, partner, class mate, etc. could be capable of something like that. Reading this article really spoke to me, and I think it will help when I let Ethan and Dean read it.

Yes, Your Friend May Be a Rapist

I hope that all goes well when I talk to them…and if they can’t see past their own ignorance, than I guess I’m better off without them…

XOXO Anna