I’ve Been MIA because…I’m Pregnant

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I haven’t been on posting because I found out I was pregnant a month or so ago. I am 9 weeks and had the first ultrasound this week. Everything looks good. Cody and I are really excited! I just didn’t want to post this until I got the first ultrasound, hence the radio silence on my end. I am not sure how I’m going to tell people. Our families know, and now it’s about telling friends. I am not sure how they will react. I hope positively. I’ve told maybe 3 close friends so far and they have been positive about it. I know, I am 23 and most people will think that’s young. Hell I think it’s young, and this wasn’t planned but we are really excited for this. That is why I haven’t been on, trying to hold this news in until the first ultrasound and everything was cleared by the doctor.

XOXO Anna

Cody’s Mother…

She is still being difficult. Last time I posted about Cody’s mom we were supposed to go over to her house. When we went over, she refused to look at me or acknowledge I spoke. It took at least fifteen minutes of me trying to engage in the conversation for her to look at me, and then would give me a short answer.

We then the next day went to her brother’s surprise party. She acted completely normal in front of me, as if she didn’t have any issue. She put on a good show since Cody’s dad was there and her boyfriend was there. Her boyfriend had told her that she had no reason to be upset with me because I’ve done nothing wrong.

So, for about a week or two weeks, Cody has been trying to get his phone line off his mom’s account. She didn’t do it this past Sunday like she said she would. He messaged her earlier this week, and she didn’t reply. He texted her this morning. The only reason she texted was because he changed the pin on the account when trying to contact verizon to get his line off.

She texted, “Did you change my pin”

He replied, “I tried calling Verizon to see if they can remove my number from your plan because you won’t. I know you’re busy but come on I’m sure you’ve had plenty of time”

She replied, “Cody, stop it! Today is my first day off and I planned on getting to you. You still owe $95 to and I could say the same to you”

He replied, “I wanted this done before this billing period, you said you’d take care of it. It’s almost been a week and I’m still on your plan”

She said, “Come by after work and we’ll take care of it”

He replied, “I hope so this time”

She said, “Knock it off don’t be so rude”

It’s getting to be exhausting dealing with her childish behavior.

 

XOXO Anna

 

Online Classes

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I’ve never taken online classes, but I am doing that this semester. The Peer Counseling Program is in NYC, but my other two classes (Psych and Law, and Theories of Personality) are online.

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This is week two of the semester. I am very anxious about the Psych and Law class, mainly because everything in that class will be new to me. Theories of Personality, however, is much easier because I’ve already come across most of the theorists in other psychology classes.

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Has anyone ever taken online classes? If so, was there anything that helped with time management or focus? So far I am doing pretty well to actually sit down, do the readings, and do the assignments associated with the readings, but I do wonder if I will be able to keep that up.

XOXO Anna

Moms

Right now, I am overwhelmed with moms. I, in my last post, talked about how my mom and I had a bit of a disagreement on our relationship and the needs within the relationship. I have also mentioned Cody’s mom because she is driving me up the freaking wall!  Then this week I am going to be talking to a family friend who helped get my sister and I adopted and go over the adoption papers with her and ask questions about my birth mom. So lots of mom stuff going on.

I am going to be talking about Cody’s mom. If you read the post linked about, you will understand where this all started. I am going to post the conversation below because it is so ridiculous and hurtful that I can’t wrap my head around it.

 

Things to know

Cody’s has given me permission to post the conversation. Cody’s parents divorced at age 10 for him. His mother is a cocaine addict and has struggled with alcohol, which partly is why the divorce happened I assume. She went to treatment after the divorce. His dad told us she was never around and couldn’t budge when he would beg for an inch for her to help him with the 3 kids. Cody lived one week at his dads and one week at his moms for five or six years.When at his mom’s, she was always working and he barely saw her. Then he just lived with his dad after that. So all in all, she was absent for most of his life and has been selfish so to speak.

Conversation

December 27th

She texts me, “Perhaps your screening Cody’s calls. Please have him call me tonight ASAP.”

Cody realized he had missed a call from her because his phone sound was off.

She texts him about money, and he replies, “Hey I don’t think my phone is working. I tried to answer your call but I couldn’t hear you.”

She replies, “Why not answer my texts then? Are you home or are you stopping by?”

He replies, “We just got home, I forgot to stop by the bank. I can give it to you early tomorrow morning.”

She replies, “Ok. But I’m going to fix this phone issue for you with a new phone and new security. Only I will be able to change or block on your behalf and your phone will ALWAYS work. I’ll work with Verizon tomorrow and keep you posted and close your current phone account. This way only you and I will have the access with additional security and insurance. Love you and see you in the morning mom.”

He replies, “What the hell does that mean? My phone broke… I got a refurbished phone because it was cheapest… sometimes the speakers don’t work, that’s it. I reset my phone and it’s fine. That’s why I miss notifications. What do you mean by security? There is no security threats nor is anything being blocked. I’m sorry I haven’t paid you yet if that’s what you’re upset about, Anna has been telling me I need to take care of the phone bill and she needs my half of the other bills, I’ve been lazy.”

“Cody, just come over tomorrow morning and we will work things out. Just you and me, okay?”

 

That ends December 27th for you. So that was the first conversation and highly offensive to both of us. Cody also used to work at Verizon so he didn’t understand what his mom meant about security because you can’t add more than there already is. Cody has MobileFence on his phone so that he can be accountable in his recovery from porn addiction, he had take it off if he wants so I am not controlling his phone, which his mom obviously thinks, which is highly offensive.

December 28th we go to his moms, I wait in the car. He comes back and they didn’t talk about anything. So we go to breakfast, I’m pissed, he eventually texts her this, “I forgot to mention something while I was there. I really didn’t appreciate you accusing Anna of screening my calls. You should’ve just asked me why I wasn’t answering. She doesn’t control me or what I do on my phone so don’t worry about that. It kind of felt like you were treating me like a kid. We have

So we go to breakfast, I’m pissed, he eventually texts her this, “I forgot to mention something while I was there. I really didn’t appreciate you accusing Anna of screening my calls. You should’ve just asked me why I wasn’t answering. She doesn’t control me or what I do on my phone so don’t worry about that. It kind of felt like you were treating me like a kid. We have a account together because it’s cheaper between the two of us, you may be the account holder but I do not want you ever canceling my line I would love to not get a new number and if it’s a problem I’ll take my number off.”

That was texted to her at 11:22 am. She replies at 6:34, “Did you try the stick yet? Did it work vocally? I want to know so I can order one for mom and dad tonight as they are on back order.”

She calls, Cody is driving so he doesn’t answer. He texts, “Driving” so she knows he isn’t purposely ignoring her.

She replies, “Call me when you get home. Working on the computer. Thanks honey!”

At 8:17 Cody replies, “Just got home, haven’t tried it. Don’t know if you got my text before I’ll resend it.” (Cody resends the text from after breakfast).

Next contact is on January 7th, she says, “I haven’t heard from you. How are you surviving this storm? Are you both home and safe? Just worried about you. Let me know. Love you both, mom. By the way, [my boyfriends] mom passed away Wednesday morning. It’s been a tough week.”

Cody replies, “Hey yeah we’re safe. I’m sorry to hear that. How’s [your boyfriend]?”

January 9th, Cody texts, “Hey are you free tomorrow?” No reply.

There was a phone call between them at some point from December 27th to January 20th were we where at BJs and when Cody tried to talk about what needs to be talked about she said they would have that conversation face to face and hung up.

January 20th

She says, (2 pictures of finances) Hi honey, we haven’t talked in ages. Work has been crazy. Had a 15 hour straight day yesterday, closed, got home at 12:30 and bed at 1:15 am, up at 4:45 am for corp breakfast at 7 am for 45. Slept this afternoon. Ugh! Anyway, I paid Verizon. I’ve attached last month and this month’s calculations with xtra payment last month and your caller ID monthly charge you added. So you owe $85.51. You equipment balance is getting lower, yeah. I’m working doubles sat and sun and [the boss] is on vacation (1st in 9 years) so I’ll be busy this next week. Let me know when you can stop by and maybe visit too. Miss you both and hope your both well. I love you!! Mom”

January 21

Cody says, “Hey mom, wow sounds busy. I would like to get together. Are you free at all this week?”

January 23

She says, “Hey Cody, my schedule is crazy!! I’m working on computer all night. Give me a call tonight when you have a minute.” (Cody doesn’t call)

January 27

Cody says, “Hey mom, it was a crazy week. Lots of work on the website, been super busy. And class started so I’ve been trying to keep up with statistics. Are you free this week? We can get together and catch up and I can give you Verizon money.”

She replies, “Are you free now to talk for two minutes”

He replies, “Talk about what?” (because 2 minutes is not the conversation he needs)

She replies, “The message you just texted me. Hey. What’s up, why so defensive sounding. Honey. Just give me a call. I miss you”

He replies, “Apparently you don’t want to talk about it. I’ve been trying to get together with you so we can talk. I’m upset that you accuse Anna of screening my phone calls, which is ridiculous. Then you go on to say that you’re going to put new security on my phone and get me a new phone or something? It’s my phone I’ll do what I want with it. I got on your plan so we could split the bill so it would be cheaper for both of us. I don’t appreciate you saying you’re putting security on my phone and “only we’ll have access” Anna does not control anything or keep me from anything. In fact she’s been trying to get me to talk to you for the past few weeks. And I would very much like to meet with you so we can talk face to face.”

January 29

He says, “Mom you can’t ignore me, I want to address this. I’m not ok with you treating us like that. I love you and I love seeing you but I don’t want you to think badly of Anna when all she’s been is amazing to me and I’m your son but not a child and I don’t need to be treated like one. I’ll do with my phone what I want and if that’s not ok I’ll make my own plan. I love you and want things to be ok but I’m not going to pretend we’re ok when I’m actually upset.

February 5

She says, “Can you drop off phone money today please. $85. Your 2 weeks late and I could use it please. [my boyfriend] will be at the house. I’m working. Please leave it with him. I’ll be home around 5. Thank you, Love you. Mom”

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That brings us to today and I am OUTRAGED. I don’t really understand what it would be like to have divorced parents but is this normal???? For one parent to not care or be so dismissive and selfish and rude??? I can’t understand why his mom isn’t trying. Why wouldn’t a mom try to have a relationship with THE ONLY child who is trying??? Cody’s sister and brother gave up on his mom years ago. Cody is the only person left that she talks to from her “family.” This is just making me so angry and confused. Isn’t there something in a mother’s DNA that hardwires them to care about their children??? This is honestly just baffling to see. Can anyone give their 2 cents on this? I am having issues wrapping my head around her behavior.

Cody is going to go over at 5 today he says, and I hope that goes well.

XOXO Anna

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Relationship With Mom

Since I got out of treatment, my mom and I have been working on our relationship. I honestly thought this time was different. I am not sure how much I’ve really mentioned my relationship with my mother on this blog, but it has been superficial.

I love my mom. I want my mom. I know, I am 23 but I still need her. I think I’ll always want her, but I don’t know if I’ll ever really have her. I don’t think I’ve ever “really” had her. I know that she cares, I just think she might not be capable of showing it in the ways mothers usually show they care.

In treatment, we had family sessions each week. In those sessions, my mother and I addressed many issues and topics that were keeping our relationship in a tense place. My mother expressed that she mothered the way she thought was best. She thought signing me up for as many activities as possible was showing her care because she never had that growing up. I think she showed her love through money. I don’t want to sound harsh, but I think she didn’t realize the emotional needs of a child after the age of seven, or she just worked too much.

I know these days women work just as much as men, and that is great. I just don’t think my parents anticipated how much their new company would consume them. I want to make clear that I am not blaming my parents in any way. I am just giving my opinion. I know they did the best they could.

I just wonder why my mom can’t be emotional. I know her parents were distant, and she grew up to be independent, strong, and tough. Not everyone has that personality, though, especially not my sister and me. Not to say we don’t have those qualities, but we are sensitive as well. I am closer to my dad than my mom, and my sister is as well. My sister once told me that she doesn’t have a chance at having a relationship with mom, but she saw that I had a chance. She told me to fight for that relationship. Since she told me that I have fought. I have tried my hardest to have a relationship with my mom, but some days I am not sure it’s possible. Other days I think it is. The worst part in all this is the back and forth, the uncertainty, which leaves an emotionally unsafe place to be in.

Last week I went over to my parents to cook with my mom because that was part of the bonding we thought would be good, and it’s good for my recovery to learn how to cook. When I walked through the door in sweat pants and Cody’s t-shirt my mom instantly criticized the way I looked. She then commented on my hair after insulting the outfit. I was very hurt and felt self-conscious but paused. I didn’t yell or explode, instead, I told her I felt like she was projecting and asked what was going on in her life. She admitted to projecting and talked about the stress. That was something we have never done. That was huge progress. It made me hopeful. She also really wanted me to join her gym and go with her twice a week. I’ll admit I was nervous because that’s a commitment. I wasn’t sure whether our new relationship was going to last, but because she was so confident in her decision I started to hope.

Yesterday I talked to my mom about many things and got to the topic of buying books for class. My dad was being strange about it, so she said she would chip in to help me afford it. I was thinking, “wow, my mom really cares and is stepping up her game.” She asks when she can give me the money, and I said that since we had therapy she could give it to me then. She said she couldn’t make therapy (she also canceled last week’s therapy session). I said that was okay. I also asked if she knew if a dietician was in our insurance plan because I need one. She replies, “You don’t need a dietician Anna, please you are fine. You can do this yourself.” I don’t fight her on that, even though I was crushed and hurt. I then continue the conversation of therapy and when she can come. She, in the end, said she could maybe do therapy once a month but said she feels we don’t need it. Meanwhile, before we talked about therapy, she was asking me to come to work today to help out, and when I asked about being paid she said she shouldn’t be paying me because I am family. In the end when she said she thinks we don’t need therapy I told her I wasn’t coming into work and hung up.

After that conversation, I was broken. I felt scared, abandoned and family-less. I’ve already pretty much lost India since she never replies to me, my mom and I were trying to work it out and I feel as if I’ve lost that, and if I lose mom then I, in turn, lose my dad who will be on her side.

I have given my mother many chances to be there emotionally for me, to be closer, to help, and so on. It’s been three years of chances. I really thought this time was going to be different, and maybe it will turn out to be okay…but I feel hopeless right now since she just lost the trust that was slowly being earned.

I am not someone who trusts easily. Sadly, I trusted my mom and that she wanted a relationship (that’s deeper than a kiddie pool). I am not sure if my mom is just scared of having a relationship or what, but I do know that her actions have been quite hurtful and now I feel scared. I am scared to talk to my mom, scared to hang out with her, and scared to try again. I’ll get over it, but I hate feeling scared. I am sure if she knew any of what I was feeling she would apologize, but I don’t know if she would change her mind about therapy or about a dietician. She always “knows” what I “need” and don’t “need.” When I ask for something and she dismisses it, like she has done for as long as I can remember, I doubt myself and knowing what I need. I just want this cycle to end.

If I could have a relationship with my mom it would be both of us communicating honestly, and openly -no secrets. It would be us being able to say what we each need, and both of us accepting those needs. I guess it comes down to being supportive and accepting. I hope one day we can get there…

XOXO Anna

 

It’s Been 2 Years…

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Yesterday marks two years since Owen raped me. I didn’t blog yesterday because I ended up being busy. In fact, I forgot about the rape because Cody and I were doing so well. Cody gave me the perfect night last night and didn’t even realize it was the anniversary of one of my rapes.

It’s honestly crazy to think two years have passed since I went to SCAD. Time seems to have flown by. I definitely believe everything happens for a reason. I know that if Owen hadn’t have raped me, I wouldn’t have left Savannah and moved back home, and then I’d never have met Cody.

Having gone through a sexual assault and two rapes in the course of three years completely changed the way I viewed myself. The aftermath of those trauma’s was me thinking I was trash, worthless, an object, and unlovable.

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Though Cody had his own issues he brought into our relationship, Cody has given me the gift of knowing I am lovable. The guys I dated bailed on me with time due to the PTSD I had. Cody never even thought to leave when I had flashbacks. He held me and reminded me where I was. I never thought I would have come to the day where I forgot I was raped. In the past  each anniversary had so much hold over me.

I have grown so much over the past couple years, and I am so proud of myself for doing all the hard work of recovery. I do still on rare occasions have flashbacks, or relive feelings from the trauma’s, but they don’t disable me the way they used to. I used to feel handicapped every day. I feel much more free and confident these days. I know that I am worth more than sex, I am a human being that deserves respect. It took a while to get here, but I am glad I’ve gotten here.

XOXO Anna

When I Realized I’ll Never Compare To The Women In My Boyfriends Porn (FTND)

When I Realized I’ll Never Compare To The Women In My Boyfriends Porn 

This article is from Fight The New Drug. I was on there the other day and read this article and personally found that it was well written, very accurate in how I’ve personally felt going through having a partner with porn addiction, and emotionally evoking.

Just thought I’d share.

XOXO Anna

Relationships in Society

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Cody and I were sitting down and talking about relationships these days. Given that we have had our struggles, ups and downs, and gotten through some really tough times, we noticed that most people around us don’t stay together. While we have been working on our relationship, most of our friends have gone through two relationships since we’ve been together. We’ve noticed the miscommunication, the cheating, the emotional disconnection when our friends talk with us about relationships and the breakups.

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Today’s “Hook up Culture” has, in my opinion, made commitment seem like the “uncool” thing to do. It’s not cool to show you care anymore it seems. That saddens me to see most people around me being so nonchalant about relationships and commitment. Now, I understand most people that are young want to explore, have fun, enjoy the now. At some point, however, people can realize that they focused too much on the now, and not enough about the future -their wants, needs, and goals. I know people who are 30 and they are thinking, “where did my life go?” The common theme among them was how they didn’t fully grow up, and enjoyed life not thinking about the responsibilities, and the things they really desired- they numbed out their emotions. They wanted so much to enjoy life, that they ended up missing out on things they wanted. They focused on the partying, and sex, and social scenes, and now at 30 are thinking about relationships and marriage and kids, thinking that they are not where they wanted to be at at that age.

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Personally, I have found that being in a relationship has been a very enriching experience, both for personal growth and for learning. I have learned a lot about myself that I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t been in a serious committed relationship. I also learned a lot about communication, compromise, and caring.

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I can look back at my days at SCAD, and I think to myself, “how could I have let myself think it’s cool not to care?” Back at college, most guys didn’t see a girl as more than a couple months of companionship and sex. I honestly hated that environment, given that I want someone who wants commitment. I do know that these days, women are more financially stable and much more independent than they were many years ago, and so marriage isn’t as important a factor. Back in the day, marriage was for financial stability, and now a days women are financially stable without a man. Marriage is now more for emotional happiness and romance than for money.

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I have written about marriage before, and of course, with time my opinion has shifted. Today, I want marriage. Not as in I want to be married today, but I know that I would like to be married one day. Marriage, to me, is the sign of ultimate commitment to the person you love. I am not sure if that is “naive” but that is how I view it. Marriage is a responsibility. That is not something to take lightly. Cody and I have talked about marriage many many times through out our relationship. We’ve talked about our goals, our needs and wants, and our views. We’ve talked about children, and yes, I do want children one day, and we’ve talked about careers and over all goals of living in the future. I also am glad that we’ve been living together for year and a half. I personally feel that you don’t know someone until you’ve lived with them. I know that if I had never lived with Cody and we got married and suddenly lived together, that would be a strange and difficult adjustment. Living together before making the commitment to marry, to me, shows me how the person lives -their habits, needs, financial spending- which is important for marriage. Without all that knowledge, a marriage can be quite the gamble. But that’s just my experience and opinion.

What are your opinions and views on relationships in today’s society and marriage and divorce?

XOXO Anna

Denial?

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Last week Cody’s mom texted me “perhaps your screening Cody’s calls. Please have him call me tonight ASAP.”

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I know it happened last week, but it still has been quite hurtful. First off, I don’t control Cody’s phone, so I don’t know where she came up with that. Second off, Cody’s phone’s speakers are funky and sometimes don’t work so he gets missed texts and calls. He just has to reset his phone and they work again.

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Cody ended up talking to his mom about the phone bill and then hung up. After that he gets a long text from his mom telling him that she is calling Verizon in the morning and going to shut off his number, get him a new phone, and install extra security that only she and Cody has the passcode to. She also said to come to her house in the morning without me.

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That was even more insulting on many levels. Insulting because she obviously thinks I’m being controlling in some way, and insulting by treating Cody like he is a child who can’t have or handle a phone. First off, Cody worked at Radio Shack and Verizon for years and knows everything there is to know about phones. There’s no extra security to be installed. Then he was really upset that she was going to cancel his number and shut his phone off. He also was mad because his mom suggested I was controlling his phone and he said that he has always been able to shrug off her selfishness but he said that he is not okay with seeing how hurt I get by her actions.

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So the next morning we went to his moms. I stayed in the car. He gave her the money and came back. I asked how it went and he said she didn’t mention anything. I was infuriated. We went to breakfast after that and argued. I couldn’t believe he didn’t say anything to his mom about the way she spoke to me and what she insinuated and that he let it slide that she was treating him like a child. He said he was scared.

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In the end I expressed how hurt I was and how I felt it was important for him to stand up to his mom not only for my sake but for his own sake. He sent her a text saying, “I forgot to mention something while I was there. I really didn’t appreciate you accusing Anna of screening my calls. You should’ve just asked me why I wasn’t answering. She doesn’t control me or what I do on my phone so don’t worry about that. It kind of felt like you were treating me like a kid. We have a account together because it’s cheaper between the two of us, you may be the account holder but I do not want you ever canceling my line I would love to not get a new number and if it’s a problem I’ll take my number off.”

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She didn’t respond to that text. Later that evening she texted him about if we used her Christmas gift yet, and because he was driving didn’t respond. She then called five minutes later and Cody didn’t answer because he was driving. Cody told me to text her he was driving. So she replied with, okay, just working on the computer at home, call me when you’re home honey. When Cody and I got home, Cody replied saying we hadn’t used the Christmas gift yet, and that he wasn’t sure if she got his earlier text, and he resent it. No reply.

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Then this money she calls him, telling him all about her day, and then the second he says, “about the other day-” she cuts him off before finishing the sentence saying, I’ll talk about it in person, okay, not now, only in person. Then she said goodbye.

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I am very confused and off-put by her behavior towards me, and the subject of his addiction and the fall out. I know that when he came out on Facebook a lot of people made really negative assumptions about me and automatically started disliking me and thought I was brain washing and controlling Cody by telling him how bad porn is for our relationship. Cody’s dad and mom thought I wrote the post and posted it on Cody’s profile. Of course I didn’t, nor would I ever do that. The dad and I sat down with Cody for brunch a couple weeks after and I read him a letter I wrote explaining the whole situation. After that the dad was shocked at Cody’s actions and apologized for me, not knowing the extent and the pain that was caused.

So I am thinking that the mom somehow still thinks I wrote that post or something like that, because honestly her behavior is SO out of line it’s unbelievable. I processed this at Center for Discovery (and I discharged yesterday!) and the therapist told me I didn’t cause Cody’s addiction, I can’t control whether he stays sober, and that people are shocked at the situation and need to blame someone, and that just happened to be me. She said that they were all living in some other reality if they were saying such cruel things about me and not listening to me or Cody. So that made me feel better.

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I know that addiction can only be solved by the addict. I have also started to come to terms with the fact that if Cody were to relapse, that is not on me. I control my actions and my actions alone. I also know that he if chooses his addiction, that does not mean he does not love me or find me attractive. I don’t believe that every day, but I’m starting to believe that more and more these days.

But back to his mom. I personally was very disappointed in Cody for not standing up to his mother, but I do get that he was scared. I know he is realizing he has a lot of issues with his mom, and he is going to figure that out in therapy. I just hope that he does stand up to her when he sees her soon, because if not, I don’t know what to do. I personally want to be with a partner who wouldn’t stand for anyone saying such false and harmful things to or about me. Only time will tell though.

XOXO Anna

The Holidays

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This year was the first year that I celebrated Christmas without my sister. If you’ve read my blog, you will know that my sister ran away a little over a year ago. Of course, we ended up finding her and she is safe, but the relationship with her is still fragile. This Christmas was very hard on my parents and granddad. Apparently my granddad cried himself to sleep a couple nights before Christmas because my sister wasn’t here.

I know I’ve been off this holiday season as well. I’ve definitely been sad because my sister isn’t here and that last christmas eve was when I was starting to really see that Cody had a porn problem.

Even with all that sadness, I think I had a pretty good holiday season over all. Cody and I spent time with my parents and granddad, and we spent time with Cody’s family.

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Family. That word has always been so loaded for me. I am adopted and I haven’t really thought much of it. At least not until my sister ran away. I’ve definitely thought about it over the years at different times, but lately, I’ve felt out of place even more so than I ever have. I guess with India gone it seems so lonely. To me, India and I were always more of a family than India, me, and my parents together. Maybe because we both bonded over being adopted and felt closer to each other because of that.

I was talking with Cody about family, and how I feel so out of place. I guess I’ve noticed it more now that I’ve been in a serious relationship where family dinners and gatherings happen and I will go to them. This year Cody’s grandparents got me a Christmas present, and that means something. This year Cody’s dad and siblings got me a present that only family members get every year -socks. It’s a joke because every year the dad gets the kids socks along with other gifts, so they got me socks and other things. That moment made me feel so part of the family. And lately these days I feel more accepted by Cody’s family, not that they ever made me not feel accepted, but I feel more a part of them.

The moms side of the family had a get together yesterday and everyone on that side was there. They did a family photo thing, and one of the aunts asked me to take the family picture. That made me feel so out of place. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there, or that I was just an outsider. Of course, Cody’s mom said I was a part of the family and to not dwell on that. But I guess I was shocked at myself for being sensitive to that. I never expected myself to be sensitive to that, but I was. I think I was sensitive because Cody lately has felt like the closest thing to family that I have. With India gone, and my parents relationship being up and down, Cody has been my constant. He has been stable, and also his dad has been stable. So I guess I felt thrown when I was taking the family photo. I mean, Cody’s moms boyfriend was in the picture, and they aren’t married. I know that the boyfriend has been her boyfriend since Cody’s parents divorce, but I just felt so…rejected maybe?

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But besides that, the holidays have been nice. I know that New Years is coming up and that means more family get togethers and get togethers with friends, so I will prepare myself for any emotional stuff that might be brought up. I think I also want to maybe address my adoption in therapy more. I honestly haven’t thought about the fact that I am adopted until a couple weeks ago, and I actually sat down to think about how adoption has affected my life. It’s not been a bad thing at all. It’s just being adopted has always made me have a different perspective on family. Family isn’t made from blood but by people that you love.

XOXO Anna

Finals are Over! Education Still On the Brain…

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I am so happy that finals are over! No more stress, finally. Cody and I are also doing really well since last wednesday when we had a therapy session together. We were having issues with initiation of intimacy, and we solved it with if the candle is lit one of us is in the mood and open to the other person initiating. It’s solved a lot of our arguments.

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Even though finals just happened, I am thinking about next semester already. I am even thinking further than next semester. I am really excited about school and my education, and yeah I am a nerd. I fully admit it and am proud. For the longest time I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to do with psychology. I love psychology, law, and law enforcement. So when talking to one of my professors earlier this semester about his study on jurors and then my mom suggesting watching Bull, I realized there was a whole field in psychology I didn’t know about. Trial science. I know it’s nothing like the show Bull, but from what my professor and articles online have explained, it seems very interesting. Something that I might want to pursue or look further into.

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Treatment has been going well, and I have 3 weeks left before I discharge, which is really great. Center for Discovery definitely is an amazing treatment center for eating disorders. Much better than Renfrew in my experience. Tonight is family night, and Cody and my parents are coming. Also, my relationship with my mom has improved ten fold because of the family sessions we’ve been having. It’s nice, especially since Christmas is coming up.

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Speaking of Christmas, I got presents for my parents and Cody. I don’t have any for his family, and neither does he, so later this week we have to go do that. Christmas is a great time of year but also extremely stressful the week of. So many people are rushing around shopping, driving recklessly, and so set on getting everything on their list. I know that I haven’t gotten everything I wished I could have gotten for everyone but I am doing my best not to stress about it. In reality Christmas should be about spending time with those you love more than the gifts. I know that I got Cody things he wanted, and I got my mom something she wanted, and got my dad something that I personally think he would like, but I didn’t shower them in a million gifts. It will just be nice to have Christmas morning with all of them and have a nice family breakfast.

I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season!

XOXO Anna

 

The Flu, School, and Treatment

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I woke up this morning coughing with a runny nose and lots of nausea. I am supposed to have my treatment assessment on wednesday. I am really nervous for that. I really hate that I have been restricting. I have been eating slightly more normally but still  the anxiety is crazy.

I can’t believe this semester has been so crazy. I was doing amazing in the beginning then I was sick, and also restricting, and then I am looking into treatment then I possibly get the flu and will be starting treatment soon while being in school. I’ve never been in school and in treatment at the same time so a bit nervous. My grades already got hurt from my absences. I just hope I get through this semester without getting bad grades.

XOXO Anna

Self-Objectification

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I have objectified myself for a pretty long time now. I remember knowing that at a young age I was “only as good as however many guys liked me.” I, knowing or believing that, made sure I was attractive. In high school I would wake up at 5 am to shower, do my hair, and make up. That’s how much I would care, and that didn’t even include having to choose the “right” outfit. I tried very hard to be attractive, and in high school I never really had any guys.

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In college, if you’ve read my blog, you know how many guys I’ve gotten. In college I really objectified myself. I wore my skimpy, sexy, provocative outfits. I knew that was the only way to get a guys attention. I knew if I didn’t wear those clothes I’d be invisible. Now where and when did I learn this? Society warps young kids minds about the roles they play and what they are expected to be. At some point girls start being taught that they are supposed to play with makeup and dresses and boys play with things that they can build or play sports.

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From a young age I knew what society expected of me as a girl, but I never truly fit that stereotype. Since I’ve been with Cody I have changed a lot. I’ve changed for the better. When first meeting Cody I wore my sexy outfits, and once I was his girlfriend he told me I didn’t have to wear those outfits, that he preferred me in casual clothes. It didn’t hit me until I found out about his addiction and started all this research that I had been objectifying myself because that is what society taught me to do.

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I have stopped objectifying myself and I feel like a person and not an object for someone else’s sexual pleasure. I find it ironic that the porn addict teaches me this 😛 But I never realized how much society impacted me and the way I viewed myself until recently. Since I’ve realized this, I see society, and I walk down the street and I am sad because I see so many people falling into what society teaches. Girls, if single- and you know they’re single- wear provocative clothes, anything that draws attention to certain areas of their body. Men also can fall into that trap. Men don’t go around in skimpy clothes, but they do wear more fitting and nicer clothes if trying to seem attractive. I find it sad that society teaches us that our looks are the defining factor, the thing that makes someone worthy.

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People have SO MANY qualities and such unique personalities and they should be valued on that and not their looks. I have self-objectified and I’ve seen so many other women doing that, and I’m sure they might not even be aware of it. Why can’t we all just be people? Why does society have to portray women as sexual objects in the media, TV, movies, billboards, etc. Yes, men get objectified too, but there is a lot more objectification of women.

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I honestly can’t believe the person I used to be before meeting Cody. The things I thought were so important are truly irrelevant. Before him, I thought I had to be physical perfection or I would get rejected. I thought I had to be the best sex partner in bed or I wasn’t anything. I never really was someone who watched porn, but after my trauma’s I did, and I felt disgusted seeing those. I thought, “my god how can that women let herself be treated that way?” I now realize I was doing the same thing. Dressing for a guy, being nice for a guy, doing anything sexual for a guy. I got the message from a young age that my worth was based on what a man thought of me. If a man approved then I must be good. If a man thought I was sexy, then I must be that. I never learned to define myself by MY opinions and thoughts.

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I really hope that this changes. I hope that kids are taught to value themselves not by someone else’s opinions, but by their own opinions. In the end the only person who should define you is you.

Relapse?

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I haven’t posted in a while due to the crazy amount of things going on. Cody’s Facebook post has caused insane amounts of blacklash as I mentioned. Cody feels like he fucked everything up. I have been verbally put down (not to my face) by 8 people. His sister and brother have said negative things, along with 3-4 friends. Then this past weekend both his parents accused me of writing and posting his post! His dad said I’m asking too much from him. I was so hurt and felt so betrayed. How could they think so lowly of me? It makes no sense. Anyways, I’m going to post this letter I’ve written to read to them.

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(I plan to say this and wait for their response)

Im in more pain than anyone should be. I love Cody and want to marry him, but all of you are making me feel like i should leave.

(Then after I will tell them I want to explain my side)

Cody lied and cheated on me for 365+ days and i stay. I think that says alot about how much i care and love him. When i met him i told him that the only two things i ask kf a friend or a boyfriend is honesty ans trust. I told him i would rather have him be honest and hurt me than lie to me and humiliate me.

I told him before he asked me to be his girlfriend about my anorexia and the triggers that i could not have in a relationship. One of them being porn. I told him many times through out the relationship that if he didnt want to help me or deal with the anorexia that he could leave, and there would be no ill will.

During our relationship i caught him with saved naked images or instagram naked images for the first three months of the relationship and i cried and broke down and told him that it was hurting me and was hurting my recovery. He told me he hadnt done anything else. He told my multiple times that he got rid of porn instagram accounts and didnt. He lied and loed and manipulated me so he could keep his secret.

Last Christmas eve i found a porn site on his phone and i was destroyed because by this time he was earning my trust back, and all that was shattered. Then after that he again tried and was actually earning my trust back until a month later when i found more porn. This time i broke down so hard because the amount of betrayals was getting too much. He promised me i knew everything at that point and wouldnt do it again.

I stayed and helped him and he came to the realization that he had a real problem. We were getting better and then i see porn on his work computer. Porn on a computer at work where my parents are in the next room. I kept my cool because my dad walked in right after i found it. I searched through  little more history with Cody begging me not to go further. I went home and sobbed my eyes out. I felt devastated and worthless. This man i love has destroyed me more than i could have imagined.

Cody was very sweet when he came home. He had a bouquet of flowers and promised i knew everything and it wouldnt happen again.

The next day I couldnt fight off the feeling of not knowing everything. Cody was really anxious about me looking through the history so i decided to check the history. I looked at the history from the day he met me and i was horrified. The whole time he was lying and on porn sites behind my back. He had promised me i knew everything but i didn’t even know half of it.

That night Cody and i both broke down and he begged me to stay and i stayed. I was hurt, betrayed, lied to, cheated on for over a year, and i stayed. I stayed because i accelted he had an addiction and saw that he wanted to stop hurting himself and myself.

It has been rocky. Given that i gave him my all during this relationship and he has lied, we have come to an agreement on how to earn trust back. He needs to be in recovery and completely honest. Given the gas lighting i can check his phone so i know he isnt lying. Its been 5 months since i found out everything and i think we are doing pretty damn well.

I love Cody and would never want to hurt him. The things i ask of him are honesty, trust, respect, and for him to pull his half for chores and relationship responsability. If thats too much then i dont know what a relationship is, so please inform me.


 

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So that is my letter. I honestly am baffled at how they blame the lied to and cheated on instead of the liar. I love Cody and he has an addiction. Addictions make people different than the person they really are. Cody (without actively using) is an amazing loving person. Cody (when using) is selfish and self-centered. He is not the Cody I love. So when Cody was using during our WHOLE relationship and I found out, I was broken. I’m on RebootNation and it has been the most helpful supportive place. I’ve been able to express all my feelings about this situation and have been given a lot of support and kind words through this healing.

So with all that said, with all the hate, I have fallen back into my anorexia. All I ate yesterday were two chicken tenders and coffee. Some days I’ve had a little more, but not by much.

I’ve missed school, been depressed, and was suicidal sunday night. I love Cody and am SO proud of his post, but it’s brought up a lot and has had people attack me for no reason. My professors are very understanding, and encouraged me to seek treatment. I applied to a new treatment center and am waiting to hear back from them today.

XOXO Anna

Feeling Like Crap

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So one of Cody’s friends said to him a while ago no one wants to hang out with him anymore because we fight sometimes and stuff. Then last night when I asked one of his friends why they didn’t invite Cody, he replied with “why is his vagina hurt?”

I was insulted that his friend insulted Cody but also the way he was insulting Cody, by using a women’s body part as if that’s something bad. So I stood up for Cody and said that it was a misogynistic to say that and said he would lose his girlfriend if he used language and insults like that.

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His friend then came back and said some really mean stuff to me, Cody defended me. The thing is, when I met Cody, he couldn’t identify feelings, used language like: cunt, whore, bitch, slut, and he was very immature. Cody has matured, doesn’t use degrading language like that anymore, and actually wants to talk about real issues, and his friend says he can’t recognize Cody anymore. That I’ve “warped his mind,” and that I’m, “crazy.”

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I talked to Quick Silver yesterday about Cody’s sister. But then last night texted him about how I really needed to talk to him about last night with Cody’s friend. So today I’ll be calling Quick Silver. I really miss Quick Silver. He has always been a really good friend, and sometimes it sucks that he is in GA and I’m not.

So it’s been damn stressful this week with people. I seriously feel like crap and that I’m the reason people don’t like Cody.

XOXO Anna

Huge Steps Forward!! So Proud of Cody!

Today Cody made a huge step forward! He posted on Facebook openly admitting he is a porn addict. He told me it was okay to post his post on here, so I will in support of him.

 

 

“It seems to me that there is a problem in today’s society that most people are unaware of. To some, it’s not a problem, to others it may be, some don’t realize it and most just deny it completely. To me personally it is a major problem and i didn’t even know it until earlier this year. I’ve had it for probably almost a decade from what i can remember, and in the past years has helped feed a circle of feeling hopeless and like I wasn’t going anywhere in life and even some depression i didn’t even know I had. I’ve been addicted to porn for a long time and it took me a while to even realize let alone admit that it was a problem. It’s not a problem for everybody but for those that it is they may not realize it. You’d be surprised how much it changes your personality and especially how you view not just woman but everyone. It makes you think that societies view of how a man and woman should look is that “perfect” photo shopped add from clothes stores and magazines when in reality nobody looks like that. It makes the “perfect guy muscular with a perfect face and hair and the girls are unrealistically skinny and most don’t realize what hell they go through with there awful health killing diets. And nobody realizes that most porn stars in fact don’t want to do porn and the suicide rate is atrocious. The average life expectancy of a porn star isn’t even 40 years old. The only 2 states that it’s legal in don’t even do it legally. 

The biggest problem is the effect it has on relationships in society. Most divorces are because of porn and other infidelity that is the cause of a porn addiction that got so bad they went to physical cheating. My relationship has taken a huge toll because of what I’ve done with porn. Anna told me from the start that she can’t handle that in a relationship, her anorexia would take over. I did it for an entire year behind her back. When she found out i promised i wouldn’t do it ever again. Of course being an addict that didn’t happen. I couldn’t understand why i wouldn’t stop and i was disgusted with myself inside. This happened a few more times where i said i’d stop and didn’t until she found everything I had done for the past year or so a few months ago and it really hurt us.There is nothing in the world we argue about. There is nothing we can’t have a short conversation about before coming to a compromise. We agree on almost EVERYTHING and am not exaggerating. The things we don’t agree on we talk and come to an agreement but that’s rare we don’t agree on something. We’ve rarely been apart in the past 16 months besides work and class and we still miss each other when we’re apart. We never fight about anything except for my porn addiction. I ruined the best thing I’ve ever had because of it. Fortunately she’s amazing and has stayed with me and is helping me through it. It is still difficult though. We fight more often all about things that come back to what I did. I lied to her constantly as an addict always does and it took a while to know and admit that it was an addiction. Luckily enough it was not as escalated as I have read of others that were much much worse. I never went passed vanilla and I never got Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction, and yes it exists. If you watch and get off to porn too much you may start needing more and more porn and different kinds just to get hard or even turned on at all. Eventually you won’t be able to get an erection, not even for real people. It can be cured by a 90 cleanse from porn and getting off at all. A lot of addicts will go to some fucked up shit on porn sites even child and incest and other taboo shit. Their relationships will crumble and that’s usually what causes divorce. If your partner, girlfriend or whoever you’re with is not ok with it and you do it anyway, you’re letting other woman into the relationship and that’s cheating. It’s infidelity and if it’s left untreated and can escalate to going to other woman physically and emotionally. Some couples and partners are ok with each other watching porn, and that’s fine if they are both ok with it but as long as they know that porn is mostly rape and sex trafficking. They usually start out modeling or something innocent and simple and someone tells them they can make a lot of money just having sex. They start of simple and easy but the next thing they know they’re taking it in every whole and on coke and alcohol just to get through it and they’re pregnant or have syphilis for the fifth time because the tests the male actors get for std’s are mostly fake. That’s not all cases but it is a lot of cases. Like i said, even the legitimate companies don’t abide by the laws. The industry is mostly unregulated. 

Since I’ve stopped, I’ve been so much happier. Work is better, I’m passing classes with more than a C+ i have all A’s now. I finally feel like I’m working on my future because I’ve felt so stuck for so long. And my relationship is better even though there are some fights about the past porn use and what it did. Also the sex is great, it was great before but now it’s the best sex ever every time. Porn really does effect how you interact with people and can very well hinder any kind of intimacy with people, not just in a romantic relationship. Quitting has just overall made me a better person and feel like a better person. I’ve seen so many stories that are very sad and some that are very nice to see that people recover. It’s also nice to see that I’m not alone by long shot. It’s a huge problem not only in the U.S. but it’s such a serious issue in Australia that a mayor declared that he will try to make his city porn free. High school students in Australia take nudes of girls in class and not only rate them but trade them as if it’s a currency.

It really is a serious problem and I know many of you will disagree and I really don’t care about your arguments on this. This is my experience and my opinions with some facts thrown in. This is not me wanting to argue although if you have polite counterpoints or questions I am more than happy to talk. This is a serious issue and I believe awareness of such a problem should be spread to not only help people who share this problem but also address the insecurity that things like this cause with guys and girls alike where they feel they have to match this impossible picture of perfection that society paints and that even their partners/girlfriends/boyfriends expect them to look like. They even say they want someone more porn or model like not knowing the kind of verbal knife that they are using to stab them with. It’s serious shot to self esteem and self worth. I hope everyone can understand this and help make people aware or at least know that this is a problem. I know this was a very long post but thank you for being a real friend to me and taking the time to read it.”

 

I am very proud of the progress he has made and the fact that he was willing to be open about his struggle.

His friends have been so supportive. His sister and brother told him to take down the post because they think it will hurt his chances of employment in the future. His brother also said that post was a lie and that Cody doesn’t have an issue. Cody is upset that his siblings aren’t being supportive, but happy that his friends are.

XOXO Anna

Progress, ER, and Stressful Paper

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Cody and I have been making a lot of progress. I’ve started trusting him again with certain things and I feel a lot more love for him without anger. We’ve talked a lot and I’ve been more open about my feelings and our communication is doing very well.

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I have been having abdominal pain for the past week and I went to the ER monday night and they found a 3 cm simple cyst on my right ovary. That explains why I’ve been in so much pain. I went to the OBGYN and she gave me 800 mg ibuprofen but I have taken that and I’m still in a lot of pain. Luckily I don’t have classes this week except for friday. I just hope the pain gets better, and if not what to do…. I am supposed to get an ultrasound around thanksgiving to see if the cyst has gone away because apparently simple cysts usually go away after two period cycles.

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So being in this much pain hasn’t helped me get my social psych paper done. I have a 7-12 page paper to write about a goal I want to achieve. I started the paper then went to lunch with Cody and didn’t get much done, and with the amount of pain I’m in it’s extremely difficult to concentrate, half the time I just want to cry because of the pain and how frustrated I am that the 800 mg of ibuprofen isn’t doing much. Cody said when he gets home he will help me with my paper and cuddle with me to make me feel better. Just hoping the pain goes away soon!

XOXO Anna

“Nice Titties”

I need to blog about this right now if I’m going to make it home on the train ride without crying. 
For those who read my blog, you know I have been sexually assaulted and raped twice. I have PTSD but have been treated for it with EMDR and I have been doing really well. 

After I got out of my Cognitive Psych class, which I got an A on the exam, I was walking down the stairs and when I got to the bottom a guy said “hey” to me, I nodded and kept walking unsure of why he tried talking to me. He said, “stop” so I stopped, and looked at him and then to his friends who had smiles on their face. 

I asked if they were doing a psychology experiment because of the strange behavior they displayed. He said no, and that he stopped me because he thought I was very attractive.  I said thank you and was going to keep walking but he kept talking. He kept saying how attractive I was and if my eyes were real or colored contacts. I said real. He then proceeded with saying, “don’t slap me when I say this.” I said ,”okay” and he said “you’re very attractive, your eyes and hair, and I noticed you because of your blouse and well, you have nice titties.” He also asked for my snapchat and I told him I was in a serious relationship and he gave me his name and said if he saw me again he would stop me and talk to me.

I feel completely objectified and gross after that. I wear the outfit I’m wearing today (jeans, low cut tank top and a jacket) every week. It’s nothing new or flashy, just my every day casual clothes. I am so jumpy and scared and just stupid PTSD reaction… I just want to be home with Cody so he can hug me and I can feel safe. 

I know most girls like getting hit on, but I don’t at least not like that. That was very vulgar and gross. It made me feel so uncomfortable. Especially given my history. 

Is this normal behavior for a guy? I’ve been hit on but never like that…

XOXO Anna 

Objectification, Porn, and Society

Cody and I have continued to make progress in our relationship and as individuals. I’ve seen a huge change in Cody since he gave up porn. He is happier, more motivated, engaged in life, and more loving and affectionate and less selfish. It’s only been three months since he has given up porn and the change has been great. I just started going to an eating disorder therapist so I can keep working on myself and how his addiction has impacted me, and I really am excited to work on myself and be able to heal from this.

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I’ve been reading about porn and the harmful effects. I have finally been able to find a lot of articles on porn that are non religious. I do not believe porn is harmful because of a religion but because porn causes isolation and intimacy issues. I understand that porn is a topic that is controversial and people have strong opinions about the subject. In my opinion I believe porn is harmful and have been on the other end of a porn addicts addiction. I have been the one hurt by the porn and I have seen the man I love hurt by the porn.

I know most people believe porn is okay and normal because in our society today, porn has become a normal behavior. Sex sells in society and porn has amplified the affects on social media and the way women are presented in ads. I am sad to live in a society where objectification is a normal thing, where porn renders the men in our society incapable of having loving and intimate relationships, where porn feeds objectification and people start thinking that what they see on the screen is normal and perfectly okay. When there are controversial issues in society nothing changes unless people speak out about it. If people remain silent, then they are being complicit.

  • Sexual Objectification:“is the act of treating a person as an instrument of sexual pleasure. Objectification more broadly means treating a person as a commodity or an object without regard to their personality or dignity.” – wikipedia

In my opinion porn is not a religious issue, but a moral issue. Most people value honesty, trust, respect, love, faithfulness, kindness, right? If you think of the way you want to be treated, does it match any of the words above? If yes, I agree with you, I would want those things too in any relationship in my life -whether it be romantic or not. Porn fuels ideas of objectification, degradation, and abuse. Cody had no idea he was mostly watching possible rapes. Cody didn’t realize that the women in those scenes most likely didn’t want to do some of those things and were possibly high to get through the scene. Cody didn’t realize that porn was equivalent to him being unfaithful. I know that when someone says “porn is cheating” there is a huge out roar against that statement.

I will break down, why in my opinion porn can be viewed as cheating. But first let’s define cheating, because most people accept society’s standard of cheating as being physically sexually unfaithful, but it can be much more than that. Below is a definition I believe in, and may not apply to everyone.

  • Cheating: Going against, or disrespecting boundaries set by another person. Being secretive, or lying to your partner.

I.e. If a boyfriend says he is not okay with his girlfriend talking to her ex-boyfriend and hanging out with him, that is considered cheating within that relationship.

Cheating does not have to only be physical, it can be mental and/or emotional. Some people don’t realize that, and that can cause issues within relationships.

In my relationship with Cody, I told him when I met him that all I ask of someone new in my life is that they are honest and trustworthy because those are two things I value, and I’ve been lied to and betrayed in the past and I don’t put up with that. I rather a person be honest and hurt my feelings than lie to me. If a person tells me the truth I will not get mad, but be glad they respected me enough to tell me. I also told him I could not have porn in my relationship because I struggle with anorexia and would relapse if that was in the relationship. Above I have set boundaries of what I am and am not okay with. Cody did the same for me with mentioning my ex’s and such.

I know that I have always wanted to have a monogamous relationship, meaning me and my partner are sexually exclusive (in real life and online). If my partner watched porn in the relationship I would not conducer that a monogamous relationship. Imagine you have a boyfriend or girlfriend and you mentioned you were or weren’t okay with a behavior, and that person betrayed that. Would you not feel cheated? Would you not feel disrespected?

I know this post won’t really change anything, but I wanted to talk about it. I didn’t want to be silent. I posted about porn on my Facebook page and had guys shut me down on the subject, saying porn wasn’t an issue and such, and Cody stepped in and shot them down. The thing that most people don’t realize is porn is addictive, it can change your neural pathways and inhibit one from being able to have sex with a real person, and porn destroys much more than a romantic life. Porn can keep a person isolated, depressed, and can cause job loss if caught doing that at work. Porn has been compared to heroin in it’s addictive effects.

I’ll admit I am scared to post this because of how people reacted on Facebook, but then again, I am anonymous on this site, and this is exactly why. I want to be able to voice my opinion safely and respectfully. I am going to link an article I really enjoyed reading. I learned a lot more about the affects of porn aside from the addiction side of it.

The Social & Cultural Poverty of Pornography: When the New Narcotic Shapes Society

A video, by Laci Green, talks about sexual objectification, and her channel is amazing, and I admire the way she explains concepts, so check this video out if you want to hear more about objectification, since I on this blog that is anonymous cannot post a video about objectification.

SEX OBJECTS BS

Anyways, hope you enjoyed the post! I know I haven’t posted in a while but I finally had time today.

XOXO Anna

Slowly Getting Back to Normal

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Since I last posted, Cody’s anxiety has gotten better. I assume the zoloft has started to take some effect. We also had a really good talk this weekend. I opened up a lot, finally about a lot of things I guess I’d been holding in. This weekend was honestly a gift. We had a lot of fun, and we communicated a lot better. Even this morning, I got upset about something and I was able to tell Cody what I needed and wanted, which has always been something I struggle with.

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School has been good, I really enjoy my classes, and even better, Cody enjoys his classes. I have a lot of hope for us this semester with school and grades. I worry, though, that Cody might have urges for porn or actually use at some point if he gets too stressed since school was one of his biggest triggers…only time will tell though.

XOXO Anna