Partners Of Porn Addicts

I have redone the look of the forum and I am really glad that we have gotten new members! I hope that anyone who is struggling with porn addiction can give the forum link to their partners, and that any partners of porn addiction join as well. So far everyone on the forum is happy that it’s a safe place for partners.

XOXO Anna

Cody’s Mother…

She is still being difficult. Last time I posted about Cody’s mom we were supposed to go over to her house. When we went over, she refused to look at me or acknowledge I spoke. It took at least fifteen minutes of me trying to engage in the conversation for her to look at me, and then would give me a short answer.

We then the next day went to her brother’s surprise party. She acted completely normal in front of me, as if she didn’t have any issue. She put on a good show since Cody’s dad was there and her boyfriend was there. Her boyfriend had told her that she had no reason to be upset with me because I’ve done nothing wrong.

So, for about a week or two weeks, Cody has been trying to get his phone line off his mom’s account. She didn’t do it this past Sunday like she said she would. He messaged her earlier this week, and she didn’t reply. He texted her this morning. The only reason she texted was because he changed the pin on the account when trying to contact verizon to get his line off.

She texted, “Did you change my pin”

He replied, “I tried calling Verizon to see if they can remove my number from your plan because you won’t. I know you’re busy but come on I’m sure you’ve had plenty of time”

She replied, “Cody, stop it! Today is my first day off and I planned on getting to you. You still owe $95 to and I could say the same to you”

He replied, “I wanted this done before this billing period, you said you’d take care of it. It’s almost been a week and I’m still on your plan”

She said, “Come by after work and we’ll take care of it”

He replied, “I hope so this time”

She said, “Knock it off don’t be so rude”

It’s getting to be exhausting dealing with her childish behavior.

 

XOXO Anna

 

Support for Partners of Porn Addicts

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Hey, so I am posting because I made a forum specifically for Partners of Porn Addicts. Porn addiction is not something talk about often, but it is a growing problem, and the addicts problem affects those closest to them. It has been a very difficult journey to heal without the proper resources. I haven’t been able to find much (free) support for partners of porn addicts. This is why I made the forum. It’s a place for partners of porn addicts to feel safe to process the trauma they are going through. The forum is geared towards partners and their individual recovery process.

There’s an information section for guidlelines of the forum, a partners section (that is protected), a section for resources we’ve found to be helpful, a “Show your Partner” section for things that would be helpful for us to show our partners throughout recovery, and an off topic section so people can talk about anything they find interesting. The partners section is closed, and only people who sign up for the forum can see it, so that way people can feel safe to post things without fear of judgement.

I love Reboot Nation, and it’s a great forum, but some there were times that some addicts came on our side of the forum and caused trouble. Since then, some people have felt uncomfortable at times posting certain things in fear of judgement.

I personally believe that we partners do need a space for us. The porn addicts have more resources than us for help. We have a section within a porn addict recovery forum, where addicts can read and post in our section.

I signed up with the same username so there wouldn’t be confusion.

So if you have (or had) a significant other, husband, or partner, who is struggling with porn addiction and it is having a negative effect on you, this is a place where you can go to talk about your experience and your journey of healing.

http://partnersofpas.boards.net

XOXO Anna

Relationships in Society

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Cody and I were sitting down and talking about relationships these days. Given that we have had our struggles, ups and downs, and gotten through some really tough times, we noticed that most people around us don’t stay together. While we have been working on our relationship, most of our friends have gone through two relationships since we’ve been together. We’ve noticed the miscommunication, the cheating, the emotional disconnection when our friends talk with us about relationships and the breakups.

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Today’s “Hook up Culture” has, in my opinion, made commitment seem like the “uncool” thing to do. It’s not cool to show you care anymore it seems. That saddens me to see most people around me being so nonchalant about relationships and commitment. Now, I understand most people that are young want to explore, have fun, enjoy the now. At some point, however, people can realize that they focused too much on the now, and not enough about the future -their wants, needs, and goals. I know people who are 30 and they are thinking, “where did my life go?” The common theme among them was how they didn’t fully grow up, and enjoyed life not thinking about the responsibilities, and the things they really desired- they numbed out their emotions. They wanted so much to enjoy life, that they ended up missing out on things they wanted. They focused on the partying, and sex, and social scenes, and now at 30 are thinking about relationships and marriage and kids, thinking that they are not where they wanted to be at at that age.

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Personally, I have found that being in a relationship has been a very enriching experience, both for personal growth and for learning. I have learned a lot about myself that I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t been in a serious committed relationship. I also learned a lot about communication, compromise, and caring.

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I can look back at my days at SCAD, and I think to myself, “how could I have let myself think it’s cool not to care?” Back at college, most guys didn’t see a girl as more than a couple months of companionship and sex. I honestly hated that environment, given that I want someone who wants commitment. I do know that these days, women are more financially stable and much more independent than they were many years ago, and so marriage isn’t as important a factor. Back in the day, marriage was for financial stability, and now a days women are financially stable without a man. Marriage is now more for emotional happiness and romance than for money.

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I have written about marriage before, and of course, with time my opinion has shifted. Today, I want marriage. Not as in I want to be married today, but I know that I would like to be married one day. Marriage, to me, is the sign of ultimate commitment to the person you love. I am not sure if that is “naive” but that is how I view it. Marriage is a responsibility. That is not something to take lightly. Cody and I have talked about marriage many many times through out our relationship. We’ve talked about our goals, our needs and wants, and our views. We’ve talked about children, and yes, I do want children one day, and we’ve talked about careers and over all goals of living in the future. I also am glad that we’ve been living together for year and a half. I personally feel that you don’t know someone until you’ve lived with them. I know that if I had never lived with Cody and we got married and suddenly lived together, that would be a strange and difficult adjustment. Living together before making the commitment to marry, to me, shows me how the person lives -their habits, needs, financial spending- which is important for marriage. Without all that knowledge, a marriage can be quite the gamble. But that’s just my experience and opinion.

What are your opinions and views on relationships in today’s society and marriage and divorce?

XOXO Anna

What’s wrong with me?

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I know I have been posting a lot, and frequently. It’s mainly because I need a place to vent because I have no one to talk to at the moment. But Cody read my post and he said I shouldn’t feel stupid about the marriage and wedding thing. I explained that I shouldn’t have even entertained the idea. He asked why and I explained, and he said, “No, you’ve just been thinking about it with the wrong people…it’s not stupid that you’ve been thinking of it though.” I said, “Really, why?”

He said, “Cause it’s plausible with anyone and something that is extremely common.”

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Well thank you for the obvious Cody. The answer I was hoping for was, “It’s not stupid to think about marriage or a wedding because I want it too.” Fuck me. Does Cody not realize that he hurt me to my core and I need to know that he wants to be with me? I logically know he wants to be with me, but can he show me or tell me?

XOXO Anna

Future and Stupid Feelings

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I feel stupid. Well, if you’ve been reading my posts for the past week, you will knowhow stupid I feel by realizing Cody lied to me for a year about his porn addiction. I’m stupid right. Should have known…

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But this morning we were talking about the two weddings we have to go to that were coming up. For me, even though I didn’t care about Cody’s cousin, or the other wedding, the idea of going to a wedding (the first technical one I would be going to in my life) I liked it. I wanted to see what all that was about. I also liked fantasizing about Cody and I in the audience with all those warm and loving feelings thinking about when that would one day be us up there saying “I do” to each other. I thought that Cody might like to think of that too…but he doesn’t. He doesn’t think about the wedding we would have but more of the marriage with the house and kids and that stuff apparently.

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I feel really stupid though. Every day I keep feeling more stupid. Cody said he doesn’t fantasize about us getting married, that he actually agrees with my dad and said that weddings are stupid and he doesn’t need one. My dad doesn’t believe in marriage, or the social concept of it. I’ve posted about his views before but couldn’t find the post. Anyways, he believes a piece of paper doesn’t define how much he loves someone and is committed. Cody has taken on my dad’s views… great.

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I understand where my dad is coming from, and at some level I agree, but then…I stupidly do want a wedding someday…and I feel bad that I want one. I honestly can’t remember fantasizing about a wedding, ever, unless it was when I was like five and didn’t understand the concept of marriage. But once I realized what marriage and all that meant, I never fantasized about a wedding because I felt that I would never have one (because at that time no guys had liked me). In my mind I figured why think about something you’ll never have if it’s going to depress you. Well…things changed when I met Cody.

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Once Cody and I got more serious I did think about a long term future with him, I thought about marriage and all that and I did actually fantasize about a wedding. I even looked at wedding dresses at some point just to see what people wore because I know you wear a white dress, but since I made weddings something I never looked at or thought about I didn’t really know what kind of dress is good for a wedding. I feel stupid though.

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Cody and I have talked about marriage before, many times, and we’ve agreed we would want a intimate wedding that was simple with only those closest to us. But Cody said that he wouldn’t want to spend more than we make in a month… if that were true then we should just go to City Hall like my parents did and get married there with one witness. Together Cody and I make about $2,400 a month, so I don’t really know anything about weddings but I’m sure that that might be a bit low to actually book a ballroom for the after party and the food, and the music, and the suit, and the dress, the rings, and all the other things I still don’t know about weddings. I know that by the time marriage would come around we might have a higher income, but still, it’s not going to be by too much I would assume. I’ve seen wedding dresses that range from $100-$2,000. The one thing I really always wanted for my wedding was to be wearing the perfect dress, have my hair and make up done and well just look perfect, and I know that’s partly my anorexia talking but…I just wanted to look and feel perfect and happy. And with my taste and style the dress I would want would be well more expensive…I don’t know, it’s stupid.

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I am the type who likes to be practical, and I know it’s not practical to spend over $500 on a dress you will wear one time in your life, but I want the memory of being in a beautiful dress. I kinda feel stupid for even fantasizing about a wedding in the first place. I remember the first time I did fantasize about marrying Cody, I felt so guilty. I felt like I shouldn’t be thinking about that because I don’t deserve something so nice. I don’t know. I have conflicted feelings about weddings and marriages, maybe because I haven’t actually explored my feelings about them, but instead just pushed them all away so I wouldn’t have to deal with them. And through all the struggles we’ve been through I still (stupidly? irrationally?) want to marry Cody. Am I crazy?

XOXO Anna

 

Roller Coaster Central

(First off I am posting from my phone because there is no internet at the new apartment, so I can’t really put gifs in. Sorry!)

Moving in together…it’s been…strange. Not that Cody and I are not used to living together, but … fucking christ. I feel like I’m married to him, and not in the good way. You know, the whole stereotypical marriage where the couple never has time for one another, or is too tired to do anything with the other, or schedules are conflicting, or friends are taking priority, or no to little sex. You know that stuff. Ironically cody joked that we wouldn’t ever be the stereotypical married couple. The thing is we aren’t married and right now it’s as if we’ve been married and somehow we have all the problems or issues of the stereotypical marriage. I don’t know what to do. And shouldn’t one remember stuff that their partner says or is important to them? I remember so many things Cody tells me. He can never remember anything I tell him. I feel like I’m not important. I feel forgotten…because I am! Is this how it’s supposed to be? Is this what relationships come to after a while? I feel like that happens when we stop trying. But I am trying. It’s true when they say it takes two. Fuck.

I need advice. I feel so lost right now. Again, this is all new to me. I don’t know where to go and Cody lets me lead all the time! I am always the assertive one, or the one making decisions, or the one who is on top of our “real world” responsibilities. Example: Cody has forgotten consistently to pay my dad back for his half of the security deposit. I reminded Cody today. Also Cody LARPed last weekend as most of you might have read, and this weekend he also had the chance to go LARPing but didn’t because he knew my finals were coming up. His friend just invited him and me to a party this weekend on saturday. She lives like a fucking hour away. If she lived 5 minutes down the road I wouldn’t think it would get in the way. Plus I have an eye doctors appointment on saturday so I already have an hour or so wasted on that and not studying or writing my paper. Cody asked me if we could go. I said “I have finals.” He said “I forgot.”

I hate that I feel not important to him anymore. It’s only recently happened too! I don’t know what the hell happened or what I might have done. I mean, Cody has always been forgetful…and I’ve tried not to take it to heart that everything he forgets is about my life or what I wanted to do or had plans to do…but I don’t know anymore. Maybe he really only thinks about his interests or plans or wants. I don’t know, I’m just frustrated. I know he thinks about me (sometimes) but I don’t know. I’m sure if I had a LARPing weekend I was planning or a car rally I was going to he would never forget.

How did life sneak up on me so quick? Cody and I have our own place. We have no time for each other. He hangs with his friends and I’m hanging with mine. I babysit, he does parkour. He LARPS I stay home and do nothing or homework. Too tired to have sex, cuddle, or watch TV together. No time to talk. I hope this “situation” doesn’t last too much longer.  I just don’t know how to get us “back on track” so to speak.

Feeling forgotten, lost and clueless…

XOXO Anna