Progress, ER, and Stressful Paper

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Cody and I have been making a lot of progress. I’ve started trusting him again with certain things and I feel a lot more love for him without anger. We’ve talked a lot and I’ve been more open about my feelings and our communication is doing very well.

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I have been having abdominal pain for the past week and I went to the ER monday night and they found a 3 cm simple cyst on my right ovary. That explains why I’ve been in so much pain. I went to the OBGYN and she gave me 800 mg ibuprofen but I have taken that and I’m still in a lot of pain. Luckily I don’t have classes this week except for friday. I just hope the pain gets better, and if not what to do…. I am supposed to get an ultrasound around thanksgiving to see if the cyst has gone away because apparently simple cysts usually go away after two period cycles.

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So being in this much pain hasn’t helped me get my social psych paper done. I have a 7-12 page paper to write about a goal I want to achieve. I started the paper then went to lunch with Cody and didn’t get much done, and with the amount of pain I’m in it’s extremely difficult to concentrate, half the time I just want to cry because of the pain and how frustrated I am that the 800 mg of ibuprofen isn’t doing much. Cody said when he gets home he will help me with my paper and cuddle with me to make me feel better. Just hoping the pain goes away soon!

XOXO Anna

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Betraying Trust

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I probably should have posted about this when it happened. I guess I thought I didn’t need to write about it to process it but I was wrong. I posted about how Cody and I had a bit of a fight but I never wrote what really happened. Well, now I am going to write about it. I need to so I can process my emotions.

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If you’ve read my blog you will know that I struggle with anorexia. That doesn’t just include thinking I don’t have a good body, it also includes being majorly threatened by other girls. I have really disliked having girlfriends since I was six years old. That is because of Skyler, a girl friend of mine who was basically the definition of Mean Girls. I felt like I lived that movie. She told me that no guy would like me unless it was for my body. I really internalized that message growing up. I also learned from a very early age that, or was taught to think that, guys want sex. That’s all they want.

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Now that you know that about me, I will proceed. Cody, his dad, sister, brother, uncle, grandfather, and grandmother and me were all sitting down to dinner in this Chinese restaurant. Cody pulled out his phone and was about to search something. I saw porn on his history. I know that to maybe most girls that’s fine. To me it tore me apart. See, Cody knows about my body image issues, plus he knows about my ex who was addicted to porn. We agreed early in the relationship he wouldn’t look at porn.

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So seeing that on his phone, I felt utterly and completely devastated and betrayed. Cody took me outside and we kinda fought. I told him I couldn’t handle it. Cody said that because he was staying at his house and living his old life, he did it out of habit. For him it would be a habit, probably one that’s hard to break, because he used to get off twice a day with porn before he met me for about 14 years. So yeah it’s a bad habit. He didn’t watch it though. He just typed it into his phone, and then realized that he would be hurting me and exited the page. So yay for that. But I just feel…well not good enough.

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Cody has explained that him doing that has nothing to do with me. My anorexia sunk it’s teeth into this one and has it’s jaw locked though. I have been eating though…but every time I think about it I feel not good enough. I know the irrationality there. Cody promised me that he would never do it again. I want to trust him. But I feel like some trust has been broken.

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To me him doing that meant I wasn’t good enough. Or that he wants something/someone else. Of course Cody has already told me that’s not the case. I can’t help that I feel that way though. I am hurting. I don’t know how to get over it. I know it was a reflex to an old habit… but the fact that he had the urge to do that hurt. My anorexia really locked onto this. That anorexic voice in my head is killing me.

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How does one move past a betrayal of trust, big or small? I’ve never been in a long-term healthy relationship. This is my first. I know relationships go through ups and downs. Cody offered to give me his phone while I will be at my house tonight, that way I would know he wouldn’t be betraying my trust. I took the first step in trusting him though. I said he could keep his phone and that I am trying to trust him again by letting him have it.

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So yeah. Is that how you get trust back? By slowly giving them chances to prove themselves to you? I love Cody beyond comprehension, and I thought he wouldn’t do something to hurt me like that. I guess I am just in shock too. Cody always was this guy who, yes had his flaws, but wouldn’t do anything that would hurt me. He is human though. People hurt people.

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After Monster, I made a three strikes rule. Three strikes and you’re out. Three makes a pattern. With Cody if he were to hit strike three, I honestly don’t think I would walk away. I couldn’t. I mean, this porn thing was his second offense. Early in the relationship I found a pic of a naked girl on his phone. He also at that time knew that would hurt me, but again, it’s a bad habit. So with that and the porn thing, it just made me feel insecure.

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I wrote in a past post about consistency. Consistency is key with me. Especially after going through a string of abusive relationships. I’ve described myself as an abused dog in a shelter before. See, Cody has given me consistency with his word and the fact that he is trustworthy. But since this was not consistent with his behavior it has shaken me. I guess once he is consistent again I’ll trust again.

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Also Cody and I leave for GA this sunday! I am excited about that. He will get to meet all my friends and I’ll show him all of the places I would hang out. I’ve missed GA so much! Super excited to be going back for a week as a birthday present from my parents!

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But any comments with advice would be greatly appreciated. Again, first real, serious, longterm, healthy relationship. Kinda clueless at times about all this. Thanks for reading.

XOXO Anna

Day 6

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Lots has happened since I last posted. After I posted last I broke down completely. India came up to the attic to check on me. I poured my heart out to her and we seemed to be in a better place after that.

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I spent Christmas eve with Cody and his family. I met his grandparents. Dinner sucked though. Cody and I got into…or well Cody did something that hurt me but no worries we are good now. But I really wasn’t sure for a while. I really wanted to self harm but I couldn’t because I was at the dinner table when it all went down. I started using my wrist band and snapping it against my wrist just so I could focus on that so I wouldn’t break down at the dinner table. After a while that didn’t cut it and I held the band tightly against my skin and rubbed it back and forth on my wrist. I did it too much and broke skin. My wrist still hurts which sucks, but whatever at least I didn’t “really” self-harm.

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Anyways, Christmas was good. I woke up and spent the first half at my house with my family and then went to Cody’s house to spend the rest of Christmas with his family. Christmas morning I talked to my dad about what happened with Cody and he is the one who helped me get over it or at least be okay about it. India bought Cody a present and she even wrote him a note. That was huge for her. When my dad was wrapping Cody’s gift he asked if he should write from “the in-laws” which I said I think Cody would like. That’s my dad’s sense of humor for you.

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Christmas at Cody’s was amazing. His family rocks. I met his aunts, uncles, and cousins. He has a big family and half of them weren’t even at the Christmas dinner. I loved my Christmas with them. I even ate normally! It was amazing. Like, growing up, I always wanted a big family and never had one and last night I knew what it was like to have a big family so to speak and it was really fun.

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I got home today and things went back to hell. See, tonight was supposed to be hibachi with India, her boyfriend and me. But this morning before I got home my mom called me and said that Cody, me, them, and my granddad were going out to dinner. I assumed that my mom had spoken to my sister. But then I got a text from India asking me to make reservations for us tonight because she, her boyfriend, and friend were joining dinner with us.

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My sister is not ready to be in a room with Cody so I figured some miscommunications had happened. Getting home I said, “there’s been miscommunication.” I talked to my parents in the upstairs TV room, and my sister’s room is down the hall so she heard everything. She got the impression that I wanted to have dinner with Cody more than with her. She was crying and I went to her room to talk to her and she was yelling at me. My dad intervened and said some stuff that I personally knew was probably the wrong thing to say in the situation. My sister got really hurt when he said that we were all on pins and needles since she’s gotten home.

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It’s true though, we all don’t know what will make her explode. She all have tried to be cautious with our actions and words. Though I’ve mentioned Cody a lot and that’s only to get her to be desensitized, which I explained to her days ago.

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So today’s plans have totally fallen apart. My sister, her boyfriend, and friend are doing hibachi without me. My parents cancelled our dinner so Cody and I are back at his house now and his dad is going to make us dinner.

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It’s crazy how something as simple as miscommunications about plans made us loose the progress we’ve made over the past 6 days. I honestly thought I was getting my sister back. I actually had hope. Now… everything feels crushed. My family is hoping that she calms down by tomorrow and that we can all be peaceful again.

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Cody and I might have a poker night, finally, but not sure yet. Hopefully the rest of today goes well…

XOXO Anna

My Sisters Home

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Cody was leaving just as my dad pulled in the driveway with my sister and her boyfriend. I don’t even remember if I said “I love you” to Cody before he left. He was really nervous when leaving too. I’ve never seen him like that. I was nervous also. The condition for my sister to come home was that Cody had to move out of our house while she was here.

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I tried saying “hi” to my sister and she old her boyfriend, “I just can’t deal with her right now” in an angry/annoyed tone. That hurt. It took me a while to be able to enter the kitchen where everyone was eating dinner. I finally entered and when mom was going to make me food I said I might just go out to eat. Mom told me I’m not allowed to leave the house. My sister was like, “Please let her go. That would be great.” That also hurt. I am not being acknowledged by her. She tried petting Luvas and playing with him but he is nervous around her. The only people he loves and is okay around is Cody and me.

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I decided to stay in for dinner. Probably not going to eat much… not in the mood to eat though I’m starving. It was also surreal to see my sister drinking beer at dinner. I remember how she used to be so against drinking and drugs and all that stuff. I really want a drink right now, hence why I wanted to go out to dinner. There’s no alcohol at the house I want to drink. But knowing how much of a light weight I am I wouldn’t be able to drive home after having a glass or two of proseco for a while. I didn’t want to go out to eat alone and sit at a restaurant alone waiting for the alcohol to subside.

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It’s day one. Nine more days to survive. I want to be able to give my sister this letter I wrote her. I hope I get the chance to, and I hope she actually reads it and doesn’t tear it into pieces.

Dear India,

I am sorry for making you feel abandoned. At least that’s what I am assuming you felt. If I made you feel that way I cannot tell you enough how terribly sorry I am. I know you say words are meaningless from me, but I hope that you can see that I am writing from my heart.

I am sorry that when I met Cody I wasn’t there for you. I am sorry I didn’t see the signs. I want you to know that I am here for you if you do ever want to talk. I know you have people for that, but if you ever do want to, I am here. If not, then that’s okay too.

I don’t know how I can make any of this right, but I want to try to make it right with you, if you want to. I am ready when you are. If you’re not ready to talk to me right now then that’s okay. I’ll be here when you are ready. And if you’re not ready to read this, then feel free to stop right now and put this away for another day when you might want to read this.

I want you to know how proud of you I am though. You have been so strong, and have been an inspiration. Sometimes I wish I had the courage that you have, especially when it comes to mom and dad. I know we aren’t on good terms right now but I want to tell you how amazing it has been to have you as my sister.

For one thing you are the funniest person I know. You always make me and people around you laugh and that’s one of my favorite things about you. You know I am not funny, and I have always envied how you seem to just do it so naturally. Honestly it’s a great quality and I hope you are still making everyone in your life laugh, including yourself.

You are always there. Ever since my trauma’s and my anorexia, when I asked for help or just needed someone to talk to you were there without judgement. You told me that everything was okay and what I was feeling was valid. That was exactly what I needed to hear since everyone else was telling me otherwise. I know that if you’re there for me like that that your friends are some of the luckiest people. Having someone who is so caring in their lives is amazing. If you treat them anything like you treat me when I am down then they have the best thing in the world- someone who genuinely cares and is patient and understanding.

Another thing I love about you is that you know what you want and you won’t let anyone else change your mind. I personally am easily swayed sometimes when people comment on my decisions, but you don’t let others opinions change anything. I like that you are that confident in yourself and your decisions. Your confidence is great and I hope you are keeping that up.

You don’t judge when someone opens up to you. I know many times I’ve been scared to open up because I am terrified that someone will judge what I am thinking or feeling, but you don’t. You can be very understanding and create a comforting environment where I feel safe enough to open up. Most people I know don’t know how to create that environment or even that kind of relationship with another person where the other feels safe enough to do so.

I am so lucky to have had you in my life. You’ve made me a better person through knowing you. You call me on my bullshit and that is another great quality. You have been a huge influence. Sometimes I think to myself “What would India do” or “How would India feel” when I am trying to decide something and get stuck. Your opinions and thoughts matter a lot to me. Maybe this is all one sided, but I wanted to let you know all this in case things between us don’t get better down the road. I miss you and love you so much. I really wish I could go back in time and change things. I know that’s not a possibility so I am going to focus on changing the future, our future.

I want to be someone worthy of having you in my life. In the past my actions might have made you feel taken for granted and if that’s the case I apologize. You are one of the most important people in my life and I want you to know that. I don’t know what actions I have to take to show that to you, but I won’t stop trying. If I fail to show you then I will try something else until I find something that works.

I’ve never been good at knowing what to do in situations where there’s conflict. The one thing I know I am good at is writing letters from my heart. This is my attempt to show you how much I care and love you. If this doesn’t work I will try something else. I just hope one day we can get on better terms.

If we don’t get past this then these past twenty years with you have been a privilege. It’s been a fun ride with great memories and stories that I’ll never forget and I’ll smile at when remembering them. If you want to talk I’m always here even if it’s twenty years down the line, I’ll always be here, waiting for you.

I love you with all my heart,

Anna

I hope she does end up reading it if I give it to her.

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Sitting alone at the dinner table now, waiting for dinner. The pain I feel sucks. The feeling of being alone also sucks. The feeling of being scared in your own house sucks. I hate walking on egg shells in my house. I hate the fact that I want to hide in the attic and am scared to leave it because my sister and her boyfriend are here. I hate feeling scared in this house again. It’s been at least five years since I’ve felt scared in my house, and it’s been great to not be scared. I feel like an outsider in this house right now. I feel like I don’t belong. I feel like it would be best if I left. But it’s day one. I have to stay. I have to try. I have to push through all this bullshit.

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My sister came in and was asking mom to make tea, and mom told her she could do it and I asked for some too. I told my sister she didn’t have to make me any but she did. She actually responded to a question I asked her. Improvement.

XOXO Anna

Suicide Letters

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Let me start this post off with stating that I don’t plan on committing suicide, but I did write a suicide letter just now. At first I was hurting when I wrote it, and then as I wrote it I grew sad knowing that if I ever did do that so many people would be devastated. That sucked because I don’t want to hurt those I love.

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I think I wrote the note because of the emotions I am feeling because my sister is coming home tomorrow and I don’t know how to handle any of it. I wrote it to cope with my overwhelming feelings. I also finally wrote a letter to my sister. Feeling my feelings sucks. There’s a lot of pain and sometimes I don’t know how to handle it. I know I wanna cut. I know that won’t solve anything.

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So I am going to try to life my mood before Cody and I go out to his friends Christmas party. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I hope that my mood gets better. I hate being a downer.

XOXO Anna

Holiday Anxieties

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Holidays are a great time of year where family gets together and celebrates, but this year for my family it’s tough. I haven’t really talked to my parents about their opinion and thoughts on my sister coming home with her boyfriend after running away.

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I know I’ve written a bit about this, but my anxieties are getting overwhelming. She arrives on the 21st, so I’ve got basically a week before she is home and Cody is kicked out. Part of me is so happy that she will be home, and part of me is terrified.

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I miss her SO much and being able to see her will be one of the best Christmas presents I could ask for. I figure she will be ignoring me for the first few days and I know that will be torture, not like all of this hasn’t already been torture, but at least it’s been torture from a far so it hasn’t had the worst affects on me. I just want to be able to talk to her and have a real conversation. I hope that she is civil with all of us.

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We as a family know that we all failed her in our own way and all we want to do is make it up to her. We want her to know that we are here for her no matter what and we love her so much. We just hope that she gives us the chance to prove that to her.

She is one of the most stubborn people I know, and being stubborn isn’t a bad quality necessarily, but she has taken it to a whole new level. Almost half a year has gone by…. it’s insane when I think about it. Not being able to talk to her and hang out with her for that long…it’s painful.

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Emotional pain is much worse than physical pain in my opinion, or at least it can be. I rather have broken my leg than go through this. Being in such intense emotional pain for this long is devastating. Cody has been amazing through all of this. He is understanding and patient. There are days where I’ve been suicidal, there have been days where all I wanted to do was cut, and there have been days where all I wanted to do was cry all day because of this thing with my sister. Six months of that is a lot.Of course it’s not everyday I feel those things but if I added up the days it would at least be three weeks of it.

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I constantly feel guilty. I feel like if only I saw the signs earlier or if I had really pushed my sister to talk maybe I could have helped or she would have opened up. But my sister is a closed book. She has walls sky high, and when she thinks someone is trying to help her she shuts as tight as a clam would. She puts up this impenetrable force to keep everyone out. I refuse to give up trying to make things better with her. I don’t care how much of a wall she puts up I won’t stop trying to help her and be there for her when she is ready to accept it. That’s the key though, I have to try and fail over and over until she one day is ready to let me in.

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I think my worst fear is losing her forever. I honestly don’t know how to live without her. She has been a huge part of my life. She has been my person. She has been the ONE person who never made me feel bad about my anorexia or PTSD or any of my issues. I just don’t know what to do to fix all of this. I’ve thought about it so many times. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am always doing the wrong thing. Not talking to her would be wrong, but then texting her with her ignoring me also feels wrong. I can’t figure out if she wants me to keep trying or if I should just leave her alone. If it were me I would want the person to keep trying to show me that they care, so that’s why I continue to text her. I want her to know I care.

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I don’t know what to do or how to handle her coming home at all. I am at a complete loss. I feel like I am blind and any move I make could be fatal. But I keep trying because I care, and I want her to know that I do. I feel like there’s nothing I can do at the moment to get through to her and that’s one of the hardest things.

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I also feel guilty because I feel like maybe she ran away because of how close Cody and I got in the beginning of our relationship and how I kinda totally ditched her. She keeps thinking I was choosing between Cody and her but she is wrong. I was choosing between myself and her. I never put myself first, and I finally did when I met Cody because I knew there was something special about him, and I wanted to give myself a chance at real true happiness. I feel terrible that me putting myself first hurt my sister so deeply. I don’t know how I can explain it to her or how she can forgive me. I don’t know how to forgive myself I think.

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Sorry that it’s such a long post, I just had to get my thoughts out so I could understand them better. I think I just have to give her space for the first couple days and then continue to try to see if she is willing to talk to me, let alone be in the same room as me. I know that healing and forgiveness can be a long process and I know that her coming home for Christmas doesn’t mean everything will go back to the way things used to be, but maybe it will be a step in the right direction.

XOXO Anna

Lady Gaga’s Music Video

 I know that my mom told me to watch it and well, damn. It was triggering for me to watch but it was also important. I really do want to know what your thoughts on this are? I personally think it was brave and courageous for Lady Gaga to make a music video like this. It really does show the damage that is done.  Please comment with your thoughts 🙂

XOXO Anna