I’ve Been MIA


I know I’ve been MIA. I haven’t been on for many reasons. One being school, and the second reason I will reveal next week. School has been keeping me quite busy. I am writing a paper on Rape for my Psychology and Law class. I am writing about how rape is one of the most challenging crimes to prosecute in today’s society. I am very excited and passionate about my paper.

Through doing research and reading articles for my paper I feel much more informed than I was when I was sexually assaulted and then raped two times. I truly wish I had the knowledge I have now, so I could go back and make sure I didn’t shower, or wait too long to report. I also have gotten quite angry, thinking back to when I did report. I could tell the officer who was taking down my statement and interviewing me for Monster didn’t take anything I said seriously or thought I was lying. I hated that feeling. The worst part was weeks later when he called me to tell me the DA didn’t want to take my case, and that Monster said he didn’t rape me. As if my rapist saying he didn’t rape me equivalated his innocence. That officer took my rapist’s side. The second rape that I reported was for Owen. The initial report wasn’t with the officer who I would be getting a formal interview from, but the first officer wanted to take down as much information to pass along to the officer I would be meeting with. The officer I eventually met with seemed kind, sensitive, and understanding. I really had hope. This officer seemed to, at the beginning, want to investigate the case. Of course, once we did the recorded phone call, and Owen denied everything and attempted to gaslight me, the officer said he would call me with more information. He never called. I called, he said he didn’t have anything and that he would call me. Again, he never called back. Another officer lets me down. I only hope that my rapists don’t go on to rape other women. I hope my sexual assaulter, Peter, doesn’t go on to assault other women, though I would think that Peter would be. I regret not reporting Peter because I personally feel like he had done that before to other women and that I wasn’t the first.

The first part of my paper I am addressing the problems that make rape difficult to prosecute, such as different definitions in each state for rape and sexual assault, the fact that victims are the ones that are often questioned on their character rather than the suspect, and the lack of physical evidence in rape cases. The second half of the paper is on trying to offer solutions to the issues. I think rape should have a universal definition across the country, and sexual assault should have a universal definition across the country. There should be education at a younger age about rape. I think the first time rape was really talked about and explained was in college, possibly high school. When kids have sex-ed they should also learn about consent and rape. Then, police should be trained, or have a forensic psychologist or neuropsychologist present in interviews so that the psychologist can explain the victim’s behavior instead of the cops just assuming the victim is lying.

I’ve only gotten my introduction done so far, but next week is spring break and I will be working on the paper all week.



Finished my Essay!

I thought that I was going to procrastinate my essay so bad, but my teacher emailed me he wanted me to send him a copy over the weekend before I submitted it on tuesday. I wrote a rough draft, and sent it to my dad so he could proof read it and help me cut it down since it was supposed to be a one page essay and I wrote almost two pages. Also got most of my reading done, shockingly. I still have preproduction reading to do, which is boring as hell, but I am taking a lunch break to relax and hopefully I will finally get in the office today to do the paperwork.



Busy day…

I got up late this morning but still made it to my doctors appointment. I then went to class, and I actually enjoyed our Preproduction class today. It was actually more interesting. At the moment all I want is to nap. I still have the essay to finish. I might just skip my class and submit the essay online so I can catch up on sleep since I have an 8 AM tomorrow.

I am also still sad about Owen. There are reminders of him everywhere! If I smell cigarette smoke I think of him, if I see a blue small Subaru sports car I think of him. If I look at my profile picture I see his dog and me. Even on Facebook, Owen posted a new profile pic, and photos in general.


Why does romance suck? Quick Silver said that Owen had to be lying to himself about him wanting a real serious relationship. Obviously there was failed communication between Owen and I… I still don’t understand how Owen tried to put this on me. I re-read that text conversation and get angry because this isn’t my fault. When I said I wanted to take it slow, that was me saying I didn’t want to fuck it up. So him being all, I waited for you and now you can’t wait for me, is bullshit because he wanted this the whole time, or so he lead himself to believe.

But I ask this, how can a person grow and overcome their past and struggles if they don’t try or are too scared? No progress can be made. At least I am trying! Even though I was sexually assaulted, raped, betrayed etc and I still am having faith in people and willing to try. That’s strength.

And this essay is stressing me out so much that I broke down over it. It’s due in a couple hours and I had to call my dad and ask his help. I haven’t had to do that in so long, so I feel a bit like a failure.

There’s just too much going on. My emotions are all over the place…




I just got back from dropping my sister off at the airport. I’m really sad that she had to leave. It was so much fun having her here with me for the past two weeks. My sister just was bonding with Luvas too! I’ve been busy spending my time with my sister and doing other things that I haven’t even started on any of my homework and it’s a sunday night.

Luckily I don’t have class tomorrow. But still, I have to write a paper, do tons of reading, and then hopefully pass out. I’m already crazy exhausted and am debating on whether to have a cup of coffee or tea…