So I am triggered while writing this. Not PTSD from the sexual trauma’s but PTSD like reactions to Cody and me and sex. This article will explain what I mean by the trauma.
So Cody was turned on when we woke up and were cuddling. I was shocked because I was so busy giving our cat Luvas attention. Cody preceded to make out with me and stuff, and we had sex. Of course I’m on my period, day 4, and I was still worried about sex. Not because I am freaked by the blood, but because it means I’m human, and porn girls, well they’re not exactly human. There’s an illusion of perfection. They are flawless, perfect, which by definition is inhuman. So I am still hating the fact that I am human.
Anyways, we were having nice sex, and Cody of course pulled out a couple times because it was too good, and there was one time were I was about to cum and he pulled out and he kinda half way came. He grabbed tissues to clean up and saw t hat obviously there was a bit of blood and was obviously freaked a bit by it and I instantly felt like crap. I told him that sex was over. I honestly didn’t want to deal with rejection. If he half way came and was freaked by blood I rather be stuck with about to cum and end it rather than try again and have him not be hard, thus me feeling rejected and like crap even more.
I already feel obnoxiously self-conscious since I found out, and super sensitive about sex and me being naked and more so about eating, but I’ve kept Ed from controlling me as much as possible. I already, for my whole life, felt the pressure to be perfect. Now I feel, again, that I have to be perfect, except this time it’s more intense. At least in the past if I wasn’t physically perfect, or perfect in any way there wasn’t too much of a consequence because I never had a boyfriend or anyone besides my family that I would let down.
Now I feel like if I’m not perfect I’ll be a trigger for Cody to go back to his addiction. I feel like I’m not good enough, and that I will never be because I am human. I can never be a porn star unless I waste hours of my day working on my looks. Taking an hour to do make up, and hour to do hair, and find the perfect clothes, and be the perfect trophy girl. If you’ve read my blog before, you know I’ve always been the trophy girl to whatever boyfriend I had. I was perfect. Cody has told me he doesn’t want a trophy girl and is glad that I have substance and am not just my looks. Yet his addiction makes me feel otherwise. With Cody, it’s true I haven’t put effort into being the trophy girl only because he made me feel like I was more than just arm candy. Yet again the addiction makes me think if I fucking tried to be the trophy girl this whole time it would have been different, which I know is completely irrational because it’s an addiction. I rationally know it’s about him and has nothing to do with me, but with my anorexia and Ed shiting on me it’s hard to see that.
Point being I grew up with all my girl “friends” dressing me up, doing my hair, doing my make up, making me feel like barbie, especially because I had blonde hair. I was treated like Barbie for years and hated it, and now ironically that’s all I want. Porn… you evil mistress… you’re perfect. You have no flaws. Yet all normal girls do and we can’t compete. It’s impossible to compete. I mean, I could hire Serena to do my hair and makeup every day and pay her, because honestly she would fucking love that. I could do the whole getting my hair and make up done, and find the right clothes. But even with that I’m not the perfect porn girl. Porn girls do anything and everything for the guy with no needs or opinions or feelings of their own. Their sole existence is to please the guy. I can be submissive at times, but I’m not that submissive. I have a fiery, spunky, personality and don’t take shit. I fucking call people out when they’re ignorant or wrong, and I stand up for myself and don’t let people walk all over me anymore. But that’s not what porn girls are. So porn girls are the complete opposite of my personality so that’s another reason I can never be that.
Sorry for ranting but I needed to vent and get this out. Honestly, because I haven’t found much support for partners of porn addicts, this blog is the only place I’ve been able to talk about it, vent, try to heal,and so on.
Anyways thanks for reading my stupid emotional roller coaster of healing or trying to heal…