Sui Died …


For those of you who have been reading my blog for over a year, you probably know that I have, or had, a fish named Sui. I don’t get attached to fish usually, but Sui really got me. Yesterday my mom changed his tank, and yesterday he seemed so happy. He was swimming up to the top and then diving in the helmet and being really playful.


This morning when Cody and I came downstairs, my mom asked me if Sui usually would wrap himself around the filter, to which I said no. I put the net in to see if he would move, and when he didn’t my heart dropped. I got Sui away from the filter and he sunk to the bottom, lifeless. Cody saw I was getting really upset so he pulled me away from the tank and hugged me as I proceeded to shed some tears. I couldn’t really lose it because we were going to breakfast, so I kept myself together but I was very sad.


I decided that I was going to get a new fish. I couldn’t stand the thought of Sui’s nice tank being empty. Plus I just got him a new filter and heater because the old ones broke, hence why we changed the tank. So Cody and I went to get a new fish after breakfast. We haven’t named him yet, I still want to see what his personality is like. But here is a picture.


Not the best pictures. He won’t stay still. He really likes the tank though. He won’t stop swimming long enough for me to really get a picture. But I am still trying to figure out what to name him. My sister said she thought he should be named Envy because he has a green tint. I personally think he would have to be a darker colored fish to be called that. I’ll eventually come up with a name. And yes, I really am writing a post about a fish.



Food, Family, and Luvas

I called Renfrew today to let them know I’m not coming back. I left a voicemail so I’ll get a call later today from them asking for an explanation probably.


Also last night sucked. I asked my mom to make me pasta, and well she made dinner for everyone else but me. Cody had to make me pasta after he found me crying. I also called my sister last night, and that was bad. See when growing up my mom would often forget to feed me, especially the carb part of the dinner. And once I knew I had anorexia my sister really stood up to my mom and told her that I needed carbs as much as any other food.


So I called her and asked how she was doing but she could tell I was crying and I told her mom was being mom. I proceeded to ask again what was going on with her. She then said the only reason she answered my call was to make sure no one died in my family and hung up on me.

That’s when I really cried and Cody came over and he made me food after I told him what happened.


Today has been better. I went to therapy and talked about it. When I got home I found out that Luvas got outside and I almost had a panic attack. He has gotten outside before and will often just hide in the bushes near the door and cry until I pick him up by the scruff and put him back in, but he had gotten out while I was out. My mom and I went outside and searched around the house. He was in the backyard hiding in the bushes near the bird feeder. When he heard me calling his name he started crying and that’s how I found him.


I was so scared. I noticed when he was inside that his eye was irritated because he kept it more shut than the other. Now I am hoping that he doesn’t have an infection or something. Luvas is supposed to be an indoor cat because I know I’m not going to be living in my parents house forever with a nice yard. When Cody and I move out to an apartment Luvas won’t be able to go outside because we won’t have a yard, not until Cody and I move into a house or something which would be years down the line, so I don’t want Luvas getting used to going outside when I know he won’t be able to when Cody and I eventually move out.


I am hoping that the rest of the week isn’t too hectic. We ended up having brunch yesterday with Cody’s dad, sister, and brother. That was really nice and tomorrow Cody and me are meeting his mom for happy hour. I’m really excited about that because I really like Cody’s mom!

Hope everyone has a good week! 🙂





A Sexy Surprise After A Tough Week

My family had to put our dog down yesterday, and this morning we put down Cody’s dog. Rough couple of days. But! Cody apparently got me this nerdy star wars shirt, and he got himself some star wars socks, and then got something for us as a surprise. I also want to surprise Cody, and I am so nervous for it.

I’ve stated before that I always believed that I thought guys liked girls bodies rather than the person.So when I was with Ethan, my first ever boyfriend, I thought I could surprise him with lingerie. Let’s just say that was the worst experience ever and ever since then I’ve had severe anxiety regarding getting lingerie.

When buying lingerie for Ethan I got this black sexy dress kind of lingerie because I knew his taste in lingerie was not promiscuous. Ethan’s response to when I told him I got lingerie was, “Why? I’m just going to take it off.”

So since that experience I’ve been very nervous about the whole lingerie thing. I did eventually buy lingerie again, the summer before sophomore year of college. It was sexy, lacy pink and black see through corset like lingerie and the guy loved it. I think I wore that for Eric too. But I really never bought any more after that. Plus my chest size has grown so now I had to buy new stuff.

I bought lingerie today, which brought up a lot of anxiety. I want to surprise Cody and I know he’ll love it…or I hope he does 😛 because I love the whole pink and black lace thing!

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It’s so fucking sexy. I love it, even if he doesn’t, I would totally walk around the house in it in heels if I was ever having a shit day because I think I look so good in it and it makes me feel good. Like it’s not just a bra and panties, it’s like this see through cover thing too, and I don’t know….

But I am so fucking nervous to do this!!! Like I don’t know how to wear the thing I got under clothing… So I am going to have to be creative or cliche with the whole “I got to go to the bathroom” then come back in lingerie. I would rather us be making out and him start taking off my clothes and be surprised that way… I guess I’ll figure it out!

Super freaking out and excited and nervous! Hopefully this experience with lingerie goes better than my first! Fingers crossed!


Why Men Won’t Marry You

I was scrolling on Facebook and found this article.

Why Men Won’t Marry You

It has valid points through out, but it’s a little old fashioned. It makes me sad to think about. I’ve definitely thought about marriage, what person hasn’t? I am not sure exactly how I feel about marriage personally. I remember when I was in high school I learned that my dad didn’t believe in marriage. I was completely floored by this realization. Once he explained it to me I could see why. His stance is that he doesn’t need a paper from the government to prove his love and commitment. I can understand that and respect that. If you’ve read my posts before you will know that I posted about my parents and their Love at First Sight story. It’s truly amazing. But back to marriage! I know I am not sure what I want out of my future. For the longest time I assumed I wanted a house, pets, a husband, and kids. Only this year did it hit me when I was talking with Quick Silver and Andy that I might not want kids. Quick Silver has mentioned that he thinks he wouldn’t be a good father. I personally think differently, but whatever. As I was talking with them about the future I realized what a responsibility it would be to have a child. The financial obligation is extraordinary. Not only that, I personally, being a perfectionist, would want to make sure my kid had the perfect childhood. There’s no such thing as the perfect childhood. I would hold too high expectations of myself and whoever my partner would be. That’s when I realized maybe kids aren’t for me- at least not until I’m 35, maybe then I’ll revisit the issue.


Then I was thinking about my future in terms of a house, husband and pets. I know for sure I want a dog and cat. That is not going to change, but then I thought about having a house. I grew up in a big house. Basement, main floor, upstairs, and attic. The house has so many rooms. The previous owners had I think four or five kids, hence why there’s so many rooms. I honestly, when I am out there on my own don’t want a big house. It’s too much work and it’s expensive. I would rather have a small house or be in an apartment for a while on my own. Thinking about a husband well jeez! Ever since my father told me that he didn’t believe in marriage but married my mom because he knew she and her family believed in it my views have shifted. I grew up thinking that marriage was the end goal. It was the end all be all. But as I’ve grown up over the years I am not sure if it’s the end all be all. I know that I want my career to be very successful. I really want to thrive in whatever path I take. I feel like if I have a great career and great friends that’s all I really need. Of course a long term partner would be nice. I really do value real relationships. I am not into one night stands or random long term hookups with no commitment like most of my generation is. If I’m with someone then I’m with them. And as my dad said, I can understand why marriage is a social construct that isn’t necessary, especially in today’s age. There are however benefits to being married as my dad explained. My dad also said, “Don’t wait to marry the person, if you wait you’ll never do it. It’s better to do it quick.” He told me that when I said that I thought that you shouldn’t marry the person if you haven’t known them for two years. He knew my mom for three months and then they got married and are still happy to this day. Thirty six years. I can only hope to live up to my parents where romance is concerned. I am not sure where I lie on the issue of marriage. One half of me really wants to eventually get married. But the other half is ambivalent about the idea of marriage. I am only twenty-one and I know my views will shift over time. What is your opinion on marriage? Do you think the article is correct about men these days?


Sister’s visiting!


So my sister came home this weekend! She is here so my dad can help her with some papers for her finals but I’m still glad she’s here!


Texted Ethan and Quick Silver today. Since they’re both film majors they both were talking about set life. I miss Quick Silver. And in EMDR the other day a lot of stuff came up regarding Ethan and I realized that after Ethan asked if Monster raped me I lost something. I lost the friendship Ethan and I previously had. Ethan and I and our relationship would never be the same. I’m mourning that. Monster took a lot of things from me, but taking Ethan away was the worst. I’m dealing with it though.

I have to run to the pet shop today to get Sui some stuff and then my mom and I might sign up for a gym. I’m hoping my mom and I can go to the gym together because I want to start to get in shape before I go to school but I want to be healthy about it and make sure I’m eating correctly and not over doing my work outs. It’s easier to exercise when you have a partner.



Apartment hunting is a bitch


Honestly it’s tiring. I am having fun exploring the part of Florida I’m in, but at the same time it’s just so tiring to go from one apartment to the next trying to find the right price and a place that’s good enough for Luvas, Sui, and I. My mom and I are going to two places tomorrow and one really looks promising I think, but we will see. I’m really hoping for something good! I’m really excited to be having a new start.

I’ll be a last semester sophomore when I start, and I am debating on joining a sorority. Anyone who knows me in real life would be stunned that I’m saying that. I’m thinking it could be a good way to make friends since I’ll be living off campus. I have to do my research though about the sororities.


Back home

My dad and I made the 14 hour drive home in one day. We got home around 11:30 last night. It was long and exhausting! Also I had a fever today so my cold is still here and that’s been sucky. Luvas and our youngest cat, Tempe, have interacted since we’ve been home. They seem to tolerate each other and interact pretty well. My cat, Soleil, doesn’t even know Luvas is here. Pearl and Lorenzo know Luvas is here but aren’t fond yet. It always takes adjusting when adding a new animal to the house.


I am now home and bored. I have to start going to therapy, and looking into treatments for PTSD. I also have to visit the colleges I’ve gotten into so I can make my choice on where I’m going to be going to school. There’s so much to do and I just want it all done now so I don’t have to worry. But all of what I’ve mentioned will take a couple weeks to get sorted out.

I am not good with transitions and changes, so hopefully I don’t get down while I’m at home.