Moms

Right now, I am overwhelmed with moms. I, in my last post, talked about how my mom and I had a bit of a disagreement on our relationship and the needs within the relationship. I have also mentioned Cody’s mom because she is driving me up the freaking wall!  Then this week I am going to be talking to a family friend who helped get my sister and I adopted and go over the adoption papers with her and ask questions about my birth mom. So lots of mom stuff going on.

I am going to be talking about Cody’s mom. If you read the post linked about, you will understand where this all started. I am going to post the conversation below because it is so ridiculous and hurtful that I can’t wrap my head around it.

 

Things to know

Cody’s has given me permission to post the conversation. Cody’s parents divorced at age 10 for him. His mother is a cocaine addict and has struggled with alcohol, which partly is why the divorce happened I assume. She went to treatment after the divorce. His dad told us she was never around and couldn’t budge when he would beg for an inch for her to help him with the 3 kids. Cody lived one week at his dads and one week at his moms for five or six years.When at his mom’s, she was always working and he barely saw her. Then he just lived with his dad after that. So all in all, she was absent for most of his life and has been selfish so to speak.

Conversation

December 27th

She texts me, “Perhaps your screening Cody’s calls. Please have him call me tonight ASAP.”

Cody realized he had missed a call from her because his phone sound was off.

She texts him about money, and he replies, “Hey I don’t think my phone is working. I tried to answer your call but I couldn’t hear you.”

She replies, “Why not answer my texts then? Are you home or are you stopping by?”

He replies, “We just got home, I forgot to stop by the bank. I can give it to you early tomorrow morning.”

She replies, “Ok. But I’m going to fix this phone issue for you with a new phone and new security. Only I will be able to change or block on your behalf and your phone will ALWAYS work. I’ll work with Verizon tomorrow and keep you posted and close your current phone account. This way only you and I will have the access with additional security and insurance. Love you and see you in the morning mom.”

He replies, “What the hell does that mean? My phone broke… I got a refurbished phone because it was cheapest… sometimes the speakers don’t work, that’s it. I reset my phone and it’s fine. That’s why I miss notifications. What do you mean by security? There is no security threats nor is anything being blocked. I’m sorry I haven’t paid you yet if that’s what you’re upset about, Anna has been telling me I need to take care of the phone bill and she needs my half of the other bills, I’ve been lazy.”

“Cody, just come over tomorrow morning and we will work things out. Just you and me, okay?”

 

That ends December 27th for you. So that was the first conversation and highly offensive to both of us. Cody also used to work at Verizon so he didn’t understand what his mom meant about security because you can’t add more than there already is. Cody has MobileFence on his phone so that he can be accountable in his recovery from porn addiction, he had take it off if he wants so I am not controlling his phone, which his mom obviously thinks, which is highly offensive.

December 28th we go to his moms, I wait in the car. He comes back and they didn’t talk about anything. So we go to breakfast, I’m pissed, he eventually texts her this, “I forgot to mention something while I was there. I really didn’t appreciate you accusing Anna of screening my calls. You should’ve just asked me why I wasn’t answering. She doesn’t control me or what I do on my phone so don’t worry about that. It kind of felt like you were treating me like a kid. We have

So we go to breakfast, I’m pissed, he eventually texts her this, “I forgot to mention something while I was there. I really didn’t appreciate you accusing Anna of screening my calls. You should’ve just asked me why I wasn’t answering. She doesn’t control me or what I do on my phone so don’t worry about that. It kind of felt like you were treating me like a kid. We have a account together because it’s cheaper between the two of us, you may be the account holder but I do not want you ever canceling my line I would love to not get a new number and if it’s a problem I’ll take my number off.”

That was texted to her at 11:22 am. She replies at 6:34, “Did you try the stick yet? Did it work vocally? I want to know so I can order one for mom and dad tonight as they are on back order.”

She calls, Cody is driving so he doesn’t answer. He texts, “Driving” so she knows he isn’t purposely ignoring her.

She replies, “Call me when you get home. Working on the computer. Thanks honey!”

At 8:17 Cody replies, “Just got home, haven’t tried it. Don’t know if you got my text before I’ll resend it.” (Cody resends the text from after breakfast).

Next contact is on January 7th, she says, “I haven’t heard from you. How are you surviving this storm? Are you both home and safe? Just worried about you. Let me know. Love you both, mom. By the way, [my boyfriends] mom passed away Wednesday morning. It’s been a tough week.”

Cody replies, “Hey yeah we’re safe. I’m sorry to hear that. How’s [your boyfriend]?”

January 9th, Cody texts, “Hey are you free tomorrow?” No reply.

There was a phone call between them at some point from December 27th to January 20th were we where at BJs and when Cody tried to talk about what needs to be talked about she said they would have that conversation face to face and hung up.

January 20th

She says, (2 pictures of finances) Hi honey, we haven’t talked in ages. Work has been crazy. Had a 15 hour straight day yesterday, closed, got home at 12:30 and bed at 1:15 am, up at 4:45 am for corp breakfast at 7 am for 45. Slept this afternoon. Ugh! Anyway, I paid Verizon. I’ve attached last month and this month’s calculations with xtra payment last month and your caller ID monthly charge you added. So you owe $85.51. You equipment balance is getting lower, yeah. I’m working doubles sat and sun and [the boss] is on vacation (1st in 9 years) so I’ll be busy this next week. Let me know when you can stop by and maybe visit too. Miss you both and hope your both well. I love you!! Mom”

January 21

Cody says, “Hey mom, wow sounds busy. I would like to get together. Are you free at all this week?”

January 23

She says, “Hey Cody, my schedule is crazy!! I’m working on computer all night. Give me a call tonight when you have a minute.” (Cody doesn’t call)

January 27

Cody says, “Hey mom, it was a crazy week. Lots of work on the website, been super busy. And class started so I’ve been trying to keep up with statistics. Are you free this week? We can get together and catch up and I can give you Verizon money.”

She replies, “Are you free now to talk for two minutes”

He replies, “Talk about what?” (because 2 minutes is not the conversation he needs)

She replies, “The message you just texted me. Hey. What’s up, why so defensive sounding. Honey. Just give me a call. I miss you”

He replies, “Apparently you don’t want to talk about it. I’ve been trying to get together with you so we can talk. I’m upset that you accuse Anna of screening my phone calls, which is ridiculous. Then you go on to say that you’re going to put new security on my phone and get me a new phone or something? It’s my phone I’ll do what I want with it. I got on your plan so we could split the bill so it would be cheaper for both of us. I don’t appreciate you saying you’re putting security on my phone and “only we’ll have access” Anna does not control anything or keep me from anything. In fact she’s been trying to get me to talk to you for the past few weeks. And I would very much like to meet with you so we can talk face to face.”

January 29

He says, “Mom you can’t ignore me, I want to address this. I’m not ok with you treating us like that. I love you and I love seeing you but I don’t want you to think badly of Anna when all she’s been is amazing to me and I’m your son but not a child and I don’t need to be treated like one. I’ll do with my phone what I want and if that’s not ok I’ll make my own plan. I love you and want things to be ok but I’m not going to pretend we’re ok when I’m actually upset.

February 5

She says, “Can you drop off phone money today please. $85. Your 2 weeks late and I could use it please. [my boyfriend] will be at the house. I’m working. Please leave it with him. I’ll be home around 5. Thank you, Love you. Mom”

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That brings us to today and I am OUTRAGED. I don’t really understand what it would be like to have divorced parents but is this normal???? For one parent to not care or be so dismissive and selfish and rude??? I can’t understand why his mom isn’t trying. Why wouldn’t a mom try to have a relationship with THE ONLY child who is trying??? Cody’s sister and brother gave up on his mom years ago. Cody is the only person left that she talks to from her “family.” This is just making me so angry and confused. Isn’t there something in a mother’s DNA that hardwires them to care about their children??? This is honestly just baffling to see. Can anyone give their 2 cents on this? I am having issues wrapping my head around her behavior.

Cody is going to go over at 5 today he says, and I hope that goes well.

XOXO Anna

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Progress all around!

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My summer english class has been very interesting. My first graded paper is due this week so I am a bit nervous, but the teacher and I spoke one day after class and he said that there was something there in my writing. I told him I used to be a dramatic writing and creative writing major and minor. He said that was it, he could see that I am creative, have good grammar, and know what I am doing. I was shocked because I have never really had any teacher tell me I am good at grammar.

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Then this weekend with Cody was AMAZING. I mean, I am still in awe of how much progress he made, but also us as a couple made. Sex had been a issue for about two weeks. This weekend, well suddenly Cody wasn’t depressed any more and he wanted me. It was amazing to feel wanted. He also, when we hung out with his dad this weekend, told his dad about his porn addiction. I mean, we were sitting down at lunch with his dad, talking about  his parents divorce, and then he told his dad the reason we had been having issues in Ohio was because I had found out he was a porn addict. We explained how I have anorexia and how I told him that couldn’t be a part of the relationship from the beginning, and how he hid it from me until I found out like two months ago. His dad did not judge either of us. In fact I felt like his dad respected me more because I stayed and have been helping him get through this. But the progress we made is amazing. Personally I am really struggling with my anorexia, Ed keeps telling me I am not skinny enough, so that sucks, but I am getting through it.

Over all things are turning around!

XOXO Anna

One Month

Today marks one month of Cody being honest with me about his addiction. He has done really well with calling me if he feels an uncomfortable emotion, and notifying me of when he gets to work and leaves. I’m proud of him for the progress he has made.

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At the same time of me being proud, I also wonder about how serious he takes all this. We had a fight and talk last night of him not being able to take anything in his life seriously. I had gotten fed up with Cody because he wasn’t getting what I was talking about and I broke down and he got upset, and I told him everything he probably didn’t want to hear. He has lived in denial about his childhood. His parents divorced when he was about 11. He claims he had the best childhood with loving parents and made it seem like a perfect dream. Yet of course, I knew better than to believe that when we first had that conversation within the first month of our relationship, but I wasn’t going to burst his bubble. Instead, I would bring up that topic from time to time and ask how the divorce affected him. There are other personal details about his parents that I won’t reveal out of respect but there was a lot of…not the best environment to be growing up in.

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So last night I was done with him living in a fantasy world. I gave him tough love and spelled out exactly how the divorce and other not healthy situations must have made him feel as a child. No child wants an unstable living environment growing up. No child wants to be the messenger boy between parents. I got him to realize that he needs to look at his childhood more. He has always mentioned 4th grade when talking about his childhood, which is when his parents divorced. That is when he noticed or remembers that he stopped doing homework and became lazy.

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Cody came to the conclusion that he is lazy and doesn’t put effort into every area of his life because he doesn’t care about himself he said. That was very sad and powerful to hear. I know that I came to the realization that my childhood wasn’t perfect and I saw my parents as people instead of heroes on a pedestal years ago, so Cody is catching up with that. With my own addictions (anorexia, self-harm, drinking) I relayed I didn’t care about myself, or if I did, it was so minimally. But through my recovery I’ve learned to really appreciate myself, and love parts of myself. I am no where near close to fully loving and accepting every part of me, but I’ve made a lot of progress through the years. Now it’s time for Cody to embark on his own journey of self-discovery, with a therapist to help him.

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This whole conversation happened because he didn’t work on recovery yesterday which was a huge disappointment to me. He didn’t make an account on Rebootnation, which is helpful, and he didn’t finish watching this video I sent him about porn and how bad it is from an ex-porn star Shelley Lubben. It was a very powerful video to watch, and I will link it here. It’s really worth the watch, it really opened my eyes up to some things I didn’t even know. We also didn’t have sex either which was mentioned that it might happen. Cody got in the shower alone after parkour…earlier that day we discussed we would relax when he gets home from parkour, then shower together and get in the mood, so there wasn’t even a chance for me to fight for us to have intimacy yesterday. Though he just messaged me and said he just made an account, so I am proud he took that step forward.

XOXO Anna

Finally Some Help!

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So I totally forgot to post about Cody and I switching our phones back. We found an app, for android systems called Mobile Fence Parental Control and it has honestly been a life saver! The app is AMAZING. I can see what Cody is doing from my computer or the tablet we have because I set that as the parental device where as Cody’s is the childs. It is a free month trial and then it’s $28.50 for a year subscription for 3 devices. I know I’m going to be getting an android galaxy phone after my iPhone so I will get that plan to keep Cody’s device, the tablet, and my new phone when I get it which will be sometime later this year.

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Another great site I found was RebootNation. Its a forum for those struggling with sex addiction and their partners. I made an account under AnonymousAnnaXO and I am going to make my first post today I hope. I also talked to Andy yesterday and told him about the situation between Cody and I. He has been the only person to take the situation seriously and offer me real advice and support. So I really appreciate Andy talking to me over Facebook yesterday it helped me and validated what I was going through.

XOXO Anna

I Hate Sex

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For the past couple of days, maybe a week or so, sex has been…difficult. I love Cody, and for me, sex is something that I use to feel closer to him through all this, but at the same time it can be triggering. It brings out all my insecurities.

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Sex doesn’t suck because Cody is bad at sex, that is very far from the truth. He is great, and pleases me, even though he confessed to me he doesn’t think he can anymore. Sex sucks because all I can do is compare myself to porn stars in my head while I’m having sex to see if I am good enough. I don’t initiate anymore, and well…in the past I usually would have to initiate…which I hate. So now I’ll give hints that I want sex and Cody knows it and doesn’t do anything. He then confessed to me last night that he thinks that he will disappoint me. Lately he has been pretty quick to cumming, and I guess he feels bad because he will have to cum either before I’ve gotten there or it will be in the middle and he will have to pull out to finish himself. I get that he feels bad, but what’s worse is feeling unwanted.

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I already feel unwanted. Obviously I feel that way since for a year he had his porn and his addiction wanted that more than me… at least that’s the way I view it. Cody says he loves me and wants me and all that, but I don’t fully feel it yet. I logically know he is saying the truth, but emotionally it’s still disconnected.

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What’s worse is that I have it in my head that I have to do porn to be “worthy” of being wanted by Cody, which he has said many times to me is not what he wants. I just feel like I have to be porn, whether it’s posting sexy photos on Instagram or social media, or taking more sexy pics for just him…but I know that doesn’t work either. I’ve taken pictures of myself in lingerie and given them to him, that was part of his christmas gift. But that didn’t work. He explained it to me that Richard (his sex addiction) doesn’t think of girlfriends as porn, thus he would not use my photos in that way. I gave those to him to keep him from looking at other girls because I thought if he really needed to look and watch naked girls, then if I gave him some pictures of me (the person who he claims he wants to be with) then that would be sufficient. I guess that still hurts, knowing that I wasn’t enough in those photo’s. I know, I know, it’s his addiction and it has nothing to do with me, but I just am struggling so much with that idea.

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Cody and I talked before he left for work because I felt shitty this morning because he was turned on and made me aware of it, and then I try to follow his lead and I hint that we could go to the shower and do stuff, but he was so tired he just passed out again. I was confused and annoyed and felt rejected. Why would he make me aware of his boner, make me feel it, and then just ignore that I said we could do stuff in the shower. I get it though, he is exhausted, which is fine. It’s the teasing that wasn’t. I’m extremely sensitive to any sexual rejection, and to me I felt rejected because I got on him and tried kissing him and stuff, and well…I failed at getting him to want to go to the shower with me. I told him that in the future I would appreciate that he doesn’t have to let me know he has a boner unless he actually wants to do something.

Today I am going to be reading the book called, Facing Heartbreak Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts and I am rewatching Dexter season 7 when Deb finds out about Dexter. I also wanted to watch another documentary on porn too. Idk, feeling overwhelmed.

XOXO Anna

Why Can’t I Be Barbie?

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So I am triggered while writing this. Not PTSD from the sexual trauma’s but PTSD like reactions to Cody and me and sex. This article will explain what I mean by the trauma.

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So Cody was turned on when we woke up and were cuddling. I was shocked because I was so busy giving our cat Luvas attention. Cody preceded to make out with me and stuff, and we had sex. Of course I’m on my period, day 4, and I was still worried about sex. Not because I am freaked by the blood, but because it means I’m human, and porn girls, well they’re not exactly human. There’s an illusion of perfection. They are flawless, perfect, which by definition is inhuman. So I am still hating the fact that I am human.

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Anyways, we were having nice sex, and Cody of course pulled out a couple times because it was too good, and there was one time were I was about to cum and he pulled out and he kinda half way came. He grabbed tissues to clean up and saw t hat obviously there was a bit of blood and was obviously freaked a bit by it and I instantly felt like crap. I told him that sex was over. I honestly didn’t want to deal with rejection. If he half way came and was freaked by blood I rather be stuck with about to cum and end it rather than try again and have him not be hard, thus me feeling rejected and like crap even more.

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I already feel obnoxiously self-conscious since I found out, and super sensitive about sex and me being naked and more so about eating, but I’ve kept Ed from controlling me as much as possible. I already, for my whole life, felt the pressure to be perfect. Now I feel, again, that I have to be perfect, except this time it’s more intense. At least in the past if I wasn’t physically perfect, or perfect in any way there wasn’t too much of a consequence because I never had a boyfriend or anyone besides my family that I would let down.

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Now I feel like if I’m not perfect I’ll be a trigger for Cody to go back to his addiction. I feel like I’m not good enough, and that I will never be because I am human. I can never be a porn star unless I waste hours of my day working on my looks. Taking an hour to do make up, and hour to do hair, and find the perfect clothes, and be the perfect trophy girl. If you’ve read my blog before, you know I’ve always been the trophy girl to whatever boyfriend I had. I was perfect. Cody has told me he doesn’t want a trophy girl and is glad that I have substance and am not just my looks. Yet his addiction makes me feel otherwise. With Cody, it’s true I haven’t put effort into being the trophy girl only because he made me feel like I was more than just arm candy. Yet again the addiction makes me think if I fucking tried to be the trophy girl this whole time it would have been different, which I know is completely irrational because it’s an addiction. I rationally know it’s about him and has nothing to do with me, but with my anorexia and Ed shiting on me it’s hard to see that.

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Point being I grew up with all my girl “friends” dressing me up, doing my hair, doing my make up, making me feel like barbie, especially because I had blonde hair. I was treated like Barbie for years and hated it, and now ironically that’s all I want. Porn… you evil mistress… you’re perfect. You have no flaws. Yet all normal girls do and we can’t compete. It’s impossible to compete. I mean, I could hire Serena to do my hair and makeup every day and pay her, because honestly she would fucking love that. I could do the whole getting my hair and make up done, and find the right clothes. But even with that I’m not the perfect porn girl. Porn girls do anything and everything for the guy with no needs or opinions or feelings of their own. Their sole existence is to please the guy. I can be submissive at times, but I’m not that submissive. I have a fiery, spunky, personality and don’t take shit. I fucking call people out when they’re ignorant or wrong, and I stand up for myself and don’t let people walk all over me anymore. But that’s not what porn girls are. So porn girls are the complete opposite of my personality so that’s another reason I can never be that.

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Sorry for ranting but I needed to vent and get this out. Honestly, because I haven’t found much support for partners of porn addicts, this blog is the only place I’ve been able to talk about it, vent, try to heal,and so on.

Anyways thanks for reading my stupid emotional roller coaster of healing or trying to heal…

XOXO Anna

More Progress! Getting Impressed!

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Last night we went to SAA and I was extremely uncomfortable for the first twenty minutes. I could feel my body completely tense and anxious. But honestly by the end of the meeting I felt myself relating to the things some of them shared, about their feelings, about how they wished to stay open and honest with their wives and so much more. They told us the Saturday meetings had more people, and people in recovery with a lot more sobriety. We are going to go to a saturday meeting, or maybe just Cody will, and I really hope Cody finds some people he can talk to, and hopefully, even a sponsor if he chooses that.

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Before we went to SAA last night Cody emailed a therapist! I was so freaking proud of him. He wrote the email, and sent it. Later that night the therapist replied that she wasn’t taking any new clients but referred him to another therapist in the building who knew about addiction. So I asked Cody to copy and paste the email he sent to the first therapist and send it to the recommended one today… so fingers crossed he does it/doesn’t forget!

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Cody is making so much progress with his recovery, and I feel stuck in mine. I’ve moved forward since I first found out. I’ve even mentioned key moments where Cody has showed me he is trustworthy, and has earned a small bit of trust back, and has given me faith and hope that he can do this. He has shown me in small moments through out this month he is serious, is being honest, and is recovering.

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For me, I’ve made progress by being able to now get off in the shower, which was something I couldn’t do because that’s where Cody would do it behind my back in the early morning. So that was a huge step forward for me. I keep getting stuck on the being “human” or “imperfect” thing. I am really feeling down because I got my period the other day which reminded me that in porn girls never get their period. Just another way I “suck” and can’t compete, at least that’s the emotional part of my brain, or even Ed talking to me. Yesterday Cody and I didn’t have sex. I kinda sadly wanted to, but I didn’t mention it because I really don’t want to get rejected. I still feel totally vulnerable and very scared around sex.

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For me, now I am constantly in my head thinking about how imperfect I am, or if what I’m doing is porn-like, or if it’s good enough, or if I’m sexy enough, etc. It’s draining to think like that. I logically know that I…am better than porn. And damn that sentence was really hard to write, because part of me still thinks I’m not… but anyways! I give Cody a lot more than some girl on a screen, right? I can give him support, cheer him on, love him, comfort him, be his best friend, etc… I’m sure there’s more…

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I mean, there are times when I think back to what happened and the times he did all that behind my back and sometimes, sometimes, I don’t feel the pain, and other times it consumes me. I’m obviously still working through the stages of grief… But I’m getting through it slowly. The main thing I need to focus on is rebuilding my own confidence, inside and outside of the bedroom. My confidence has been stomped on with the discovery of Cody’s porn addiction. Suddenly everything I thought was real or true just isn’t. There are obviously things that I realize are true, but then there are things that I am still working on in that manner.

Looking at Body

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Ed is loving this, he wants to feed off of this situation and I’ve been doing my best to not let Ed take over. He wants to tell me I’m not good enough and I never will be. He has told me that, even before I knew all this, those were my daily thoughts, but since finding out Ed has been laughing at me because he tells me he was right the whole time and Cody doing that proves that I am not good enough in any way. Of course, I am doing my best to fight off the irrational thoughts.

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Another thing is I haven’t found much support for partners of sex and porn addicts… Most sites I find for sex and porn addicts are connected to religion, which I think is stupid. I am not religious and I do not believe that sex and porn addiction be strictly tied with religion. I don’t believe porn is wrong because “God” says it is. I believe porn is wrong because it harms human beings. It is harmful to those being filmed, it is harmful to the people who watch it, and it is harmful to the partners. That’s why I believe it’s wrong. I even, finally, found a website that is against porn that is not religious!

Fight The New Drug is the site, and there is a lot of GREAT information. Check it out if you’re a partner or an addict yourself.

But anyways, just trying to stay strong through all this!

XOXO Anna