Please Take Responsibility

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On rebootnation, there are some addicts that simply don’t take responsibility for their actions. It’s been very sad to read. Some addicts have been amazing in their efforts to recover, and actually be honest with their partners, but some encourage addicts to not tell their partners.

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As a partner who was lied to and deceived, I’m saying that lying hurts more than the porn. I understand there are shame and embarrassment around this topic, but a partner has a right to know who they are with and a right to decide what they want based on an honest representation of yourself.

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I know that it can take some time to really reflect on your actions and see them for what they are. Isn’t it unfair to lie to someone you claim to love, though? I understand some addicts fear their partner will leave, or not accept them. That can be a reality, but not giving your partner the chance to show you what they would decide isn’t fair.

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I guess, I just hope that addicts, no matter what their addiction is, can be honest with the people around them, and take responsibility for their actions. I know of addicts who do and I commend them. I just hate knowing how many partners out there who don’t know that they are living with an addict, and I hate hearing addicts say, “I’m addicted I can’t control myself” as a way to excuse using. Self-control is possible, there are ways, you just have to learn what works for you.

XOXO Anna

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Partners Of Porn Addicts

I have redone the look of the forum and I am really glad that we have gotten new members! I hope that anyone who is struggling with porn addiction can give the forum link to their partners, and that any partners of porn addiction join as well. So far everyone on the forum is happy that it’s a safe place for partners.

XOXO Anna

Cody’s Mother…

She is still being difficult. Last time I posted about Cody’s mom we were supposed to go over to her house. When we went over, she refused to look at me or acknowledge I spoke. It took at least fifteen minutes of me trying to engage in the conversation for her to look at me, and then would give me a short answer.

We then the next day went to her brother’s surprise party. She acted completely normal in front of me, as if she didn’t have any issue. She put on a good show since Cody’s dad was there and her boyfriend was there. Her boyfriend had told her that she had no reason to be upset with me because I’ve done nothing wrong.

So, for about a week or two weeks, Cody has been trying to get his phone line off his mom’s account. She didn’t do it this past Sunday like she said she would. He messaged her earlier this week, and she didn’t reply. He texted her this morning. The only reason she texted was because he changed the pin on the account when trying to contact verizon to get his line off.

She texted, “Did you change my pin”

He replied, “I tried calling Verizon to see if they can remove my number from your plan because you won’t. I know you’re busy but come on I’m sure you’ve had plenty of time”

She replied, “Cody, stop it! Today is my first day off and I planned on getting to you. You still owe $95 to and I could say the same to you”

He replied, “I wanted this done before this billing period, you said you’d take care of it. It’s almost been a week and I’m still on your plan”

She said, “Come by after work and we’ll take care of it”

He replied, “I hope so this time”

She said, “Knock it off don’t be so rude”

It’s getting to be exhausting dealing with her childish behavior.

 

XOXO Anna

 

Support for Partners of Porn Addicts

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Hey, so I am posting because I made a forum specifically for Partners of Porn Addicts. Porn addiction is not something talk about often, but it is a growing problem, and the addicts problem affects those closest to them. It has been a very difficult journey to heal without the proper resources. I haven’t been able to find much (free) support for partners of porn addicts. This is why I made the forum. It’s a place for partners of porn addicts to feel safe to process the trauma they are going through. The forum is geared towards partners and their individual recovery process.

There’s an information section for guidlelines of the forum, a partners section (that is protected), a section for resources we’ve found to be helpful, a “Show your Partner” section for things that would be helpful for us to show our partners throughout recovery, and an off topic section so people can talk about anything they find interesting. The partners section is closed, and only people who sign up for the forum can see it, so that way people can feel safe to post things without fear of judgement.

I love Reboot Nation, and it’s a great forum, but some there were times that some addicts came on our side of the forum and caused trouble. Since then, some people have felt uncomfortable at times posting certain things in fear of judgement.

I personally believe that we partners do need a space for us. The porn addicts have more resources than us for help. We have a section within a porn addict recovery forum, where addicts can read and post in our section.

I signed up with the same username so there wouldn’t be confusion.

So if you have (or had) a significant other, husband, or partner, who is struggling with porn addiction and it is having a negative effect on you, this is a place where you can go to talk about your experience and your journey of healing.

http://partnersofpas.boards.net

XOXO Anna

Denial?

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Last week Cody’s mom texted me “perhaps your screening Cody’s calls. Please have him call me tonight ASAP.”

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I know it happened last week, but it still has been quite hurtful. First off, I don’t control Cody’s phone, so I don’t know where she came up with that. Second off, Cody’s phone’s speakers are funky and sometimes don’t work so he gets missed texts and calls. He just has to reset his phone and they work again.

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Cody ended up talking to his mom about the phone bill and then hung up. After that he gets a long text from his mom telling him that she is calling Verizon in the morning and going to shut off his number, get him a new phone, and install extra security that only she and Cody has the passcode to. She also said to come to her house in the morning without me.

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That was even more insulting on many levels. Insulting because she obviously thinks I’m being controlling in some way, and insulting by treating Cody like he is a child who can’t have or handle a phone. First off, Cody worked at Radio Shack and Verizon for years and knows everything there is to know about phones. There’s no extra security to be installed. Then he was really upset that she was going to cancel his number and shut his phone off. He also was mad because his mom suggested I was controlling his phone and he said that he has always been able to shrug off her selfishness but he said that he is not okay with seeing how hurt I get by her actions.

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So the next morning we went to his moms. I stayed in the car. He gave her the money and came back. I asked how it went and he said she didn’t mention anything. I was infuriated. We went to breakfast after that and argued. I couldn’t believe he didn’t say anything to his mom about the way she spoke to me and what she insinuated and that he let it slide that she was treating him like a child. He said he was scared.

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In the end I expressed how hurt I was and how I felt it was important for him to stand up to his mom not only for my sake but for his own sake. He sent her a text saying, “I forgot to mention something while I was there. I really didn’t appreciate you accusing Anna of screening my calls. You should’ve just asked me why I wasn’t answering. She doesn’t control me or what I do on my phone so don’t worry about that. It kind of felt like you were treating me like a kid. We have a account together because it’s cheaper between the two of us, you may be the account holder but I do not want you ever canceling my line I would love to not get a new number and if it’s a problem I’ll take my number off.”

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She didn’t respond to that text. Later that evening she texted him about if we used her Christmas gift yet, and because he was driving didn’t respond. She then called five minutes later and Cody didn’t answer because he was driving. Cody told me to text her he was driving. So she replied with, okay, just working on the computer at home, call me when you’re home honey. When Cody and I got home, Cody replied saying we hadn’t used the Christmas gift yet, and that he wasn’t sure if she got his earlier text, and he resent it. No reply.

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Then this money she calls him, telling him all about her day, and then the second he says, “about the other day-” she cuts him off before finishing the sentence saying, I’ll talk about it in person, okay, not now, only in person. Then she said goodbye.

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I am very confused and off-put by her behavior towards me, and the subject of his addiction and the fall out. I know that when he came out on Facebook a lot of people made really negative assumptions about me and automatically started disliking me and thought I was brain washing and controlling Cody by telling him how bad porn is for our relationship. Cody’s dad and mom thought I wrote the post and posted it on Cody’s profile. Of course I didn’t, nor would I ever do that. The dad and I sat down with Cody for brunch a couple weeks after and I read him a letter I wrote explaining the whole situation. After that the dad was shocked at Cody’s actions and apologized for me, not knowing the extent and the pain that was caused.

So I am thinking that the mom somehow still thinks I wrote that post or something like that, because honestly her behavior is SO out of line it’s unbelievable. I processed this at Center for Discovery (and I discharged yesterday!) and the therapist told me I didn’t cause Cody’s addiction, I can’t control whether he stays sober, and that people are shocked at the situation and need to blame someone, and that just happened to be me. She said that they were all living in some other reality if they were saying such cruel things about me and not listening to me or Cody. So that made me feel better.

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I know that addiction can only be solved by the addict. I have also started to come to terms with the fact that if Cody were to relapse, that is not on me. I control my actions and my actions alone. I also know that he if chooses his addiction, that does not mean he does not love me or find me attractive. I don’t believe that every day, but I’m starting to believe that more and more these days.

But back to his mom. I personally was very disappointed in Cody for not standing up to his mother, but I do get that he was scared. I know he is realizing he has a lot of issues with his mom, and he is going to figure that out in therapy. I just hope that he does stand up to her when he sees her soon, because if not, I don’t know what to do. I personally want to be with a partner who wouldn’t stand for anyone saying such false and harmful things to or about me. Only time will tell though.

XOXO Anna

Relapse?

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I haven’t posted in a while due to the crazy amount of things going on. Cody’s Facebook post has caused insane amounts of blacklash as I mentioned. Cody feels like he fucked everything up. I have been verbally put down (not to my face) by 8 people. His sister and brother have said negative things, along with 3-4 friends. Then this past weekend both his parents accused me of writing and posting his post! His dad said I’m asking too much from him. I was so hurt and felt so betrayed. How could they think so lowly of me? It makes no sense. Anyways, I’m going to post this letter I’ve written to read to them.

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(I plan to say this and wait for their response)

Im in more pain than anyone should be. I love Cody and want to marry him, but all of you are making me feel like i should leave.

(Then after I will tell them I want to explain my side)

Cody lied and cheated on me for 365+ days and i stay. I think that says alot about how much i care and love him. When i met him i told him that the only two things i ask kf a friend or a boyfriend is honesty ans trust. I told him i would rather have him be honest and hurt me than lie to me and humiliate me.

I told him before he asked me to be his girlfriend about my anorexia and the triggers that i could not have in a relationship. One of them being porn. I told him many times through out the relationship that if he didnt want to help me or deal with the anorexia that he could leave, and there would be no ill will.

During our relationship i caught him with saved naked images or instagram naked images for the first three months of the relationship and i cried and broke down and told him that it was hurting me and was hurting my recovery. He told me he hadnt done anything else. He told my multiple times that he got rid of porn instagram accounts and didnt. He lied and loed and manipulated me so he could keep his secret.

Last Christmas eve i found a porn site on his phone and i was destroyed because by this time he was earning my trust back, and all that was shattered. Then after that he again tried and was actually earning my trust back until a month later when i found more porn. This time i broke down so hard because the amount of betrayals was getting too much. He promised me i knew everything at that point and wouldnt do it again.

I stayed and helped him and he came to the realization that he had a real problem. We were getting better and then i see porn on his work computer. Porn on a computer at work where my parents are in the next room. I kept my cool because my dad walked in right after i found it. I searched through  little more history with Cody begging me not to go further. I went home and sobbed my eyes out. I felt devastated and worthless. This man i love has destroyed me more than i could have imagined.

Cody was very sweet when he came home. He had a bouquet of flowers and promised i knew everything and it wouldnt happen again.

The next day I couldnt fight off the feeling of not knowing everything. Cody was really anxious about me looking through the history so i decided to check the history. I looked at the history from the day he met me and i was horrified. The whole time he was lying and on porn sites behind my back. He had promised me i knew everything but i didn’t even know half of it.

That night Cody and i both broke down and he begged me to stay and i stayed. I was hurt, betrayed, lied to, cheated on for over a year, and i stayed. I stayed because i accelted he had an addiction and saw that he wanted to stop hurting himself and myself.

It has been rocky. Given that i gave him my all during this relationship and he has lied, we have come to an agreement on how to earn trust back. He needs to be in recovery and completely honest. Given the gas lighting i can check his phone so i know he isnt lying. Its been 5 months since i found out everything and i think we are doing pretty damn well.

I love Cody and would never want to hurt him. The things i ask of him are honesty, trust, respect, and for him to pull his half for chores and relationship responsability. If thats too much then i dont know what a relationship is, so please inform me.


 

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So that is my letter. I honestly am baffled at how they blame the lied to and cheated on instead of the liar. I love Cody and he has an addiction. Addictions make people different than the person they really are. Cody (without actively using) is an amazing loving person. Cody (when using) is selfish and self-centered. He is not the Cody I love. So when Cody was using during our WHOLE relationship and I found out, I was broken. I’m on RebootNation and it has been the most helpful supportive place. I’ve been able to express all my feelings about this situation and have been given a lot of support and kind words through this healing.

So with all that said, with all the hate, I have fallen back into my anorexia. All I ate yesterday were two chicken tenders and coffee. Some days I’ve had a little more, but not by much.

I’ve missed school, been depressed, and was suicidal sunday night. I love Cody and am SO proud of his post, but it’s brought up a lot and has had people attack me for no reason. My professors are very understanding, and encouraged me to seek treatment. I applied to a new treatment center and am waiting to hear back from them today.

XOXO Anna

One Month

Today marks one month of Cody being honest with me about his addiction. He has done really well with calling me if he feels an uncomfortable emotion, and notifying me of when he gets to work and leaves. I’m proud of him for the progress he has made.

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At the same time of me being proud, I also wonder about how serious he takes all this. We had a fight and talk last night of him not being able to take anything in his life seriously. I had gotten fed up with Cody because he wasn’t getting what I was talking about and I broke down and he got upset, and I told him everything he probably didn’t want to hear. He has lived in denial about his childhood. His parents divorced when he was about 11. He claims he had the best childhood with loving parents and made it seem like a perfect dream. Yet of course, I knew better than to believe that when we first had that conversation within the first month of our relationship, but I wasn’t going to burst his bubble. Instead, I would bring up that topic from time to time and ask how the divorce affected him. There are other personal details about his parents that I won’t reveal out of respect but there was a lot of…not the best environment to be growing up in.

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So last night I was done with him living in a fantasy world. I gave him tough love and spelled out exactly how the divorce and other not healthy situations must have made him feel as a child. No child wants an unstable living environment growing up. No child wants to be the messenger boy between parents. I got him to realize that he needs to look at his childhood more. He has always mentioned 4th grade when talking about his childhood, which is when his parents divorced. That is when he noticed or remembers that he stopped doing homework and became lazy.

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Cody came to the conclusion that he is lazy and doesn’t put effort into every area of his life because he doesn’t care about himself he said. That was very sad and powerful to hear. I know that I came to the realization that my childhood wasn’t perfect and I saw my parents as people instead of heroes on a pedestal years ago, so Cody is catching up with that. With my own addictions (anorexia, self-harm, drinking) I relayed I didn’t care about myself, or if I did, it was so minimally. But through my recovery I’ve learned to really appreciate myself, and love parts of myself. I am no where near close to fully loving and accepting every part of me, but I’ve made a lot of progress through the years. Now it’s time for Cody to embark on his own journey of self-discovery, with a therapist to help him.

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This whole conversation happened because he didn’t work on recovery yesterday which was a huge disappointment to me. He didn’t make an account on Rebootnation, which is helpful, and he didn’t finish watching this video I sent him about porn and how bad it is from an ex-porn star Shelley Lubben. It was a very powerful video to watch, and I will link it here. It’s really worth the watch, it really opened my eyes up to some things I didn’t even know. We also didn’t have sex either which was mentioned that it might happen. Cody got in the shower alone after parkour…earlier that day we discussed we would relax when he gets home from parkour, then shower together and get in the mood, so there wasn’t even a chance for me to fight for us to have intimacy yesterday. Though he just messaged me and said he just made an account, so I am proud he took that step forward.

XOXO Anna