Please Take Responsibility

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On rebootnation, there are some addicts that simply don’t take responsibility for their actions. It’s been very sad to read. Some addicts have been amazing in their efforts to recover, and actually be honest with their partners, but some encourage addicts to not tell their partners.

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As a partner who was lied to and deceived, I’m saying that lying hurts more than the porn. I understand there are shame and embarrassment around this topic, but a partner has a right to know who they are with and a right to decide what they want based on an honest representation of yourself.

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I know that it can take some time to really reflect on your actions and see them for what they are. Isn’t it unfair to lie to someone you claim to love, though? I understand some addicts fear their partner will leave, or not accept them. That can be a reality, but not giving your partner the chance to show you what they would decide isn’t fair.

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I guess, I just hope that addicts, no matter what their addiction is, can be honest with the people around them, and take responsibility for their actions. I know of addicts who do and I commend them. I just hate knowing how many partners out there who don’t know that they are living with an addict, and I hate hearing addicts say, “I’m addicted I can’t control myself” as a way to excuse using. Self-control is possible, there are ways, you just have to learn what works for you.

XOXO Anna

Rough Draft- Rape: One of the Most Challenging Crimes to Prosecute

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So I have been working really hard on my Rape paper for my Psych and Law class. The rough draft is due this Wednesday. I have a full draft done and wanted to post it because, one I am proud of tackling such a tough subject, and two because I think it’s an interesting paper that talks about something relevant in our society right now. So, if you take the time to read this paper, I would welcome any feedback to make the paper better for a final draft. Thanks in advance, XOXO Anna!

*I put all my block quotes in the block quotes button at top because the formatting was strange without that.*

Rape: One of The Most Challenging Crimes to Prosecute

Introduction

One of the most challenging prosecutions, both criminally and psychologically, in today’s courts is the question of rape. The very definition of the crime varies from state to state. The issue is further composited by the evidence and a prosecutors confidence that is sufficient to sway a jury. Ironically, when fight or flight instincts kick in, no one talks about the freeze instinct, thus leaving no physical evidence behind. If a trial comes out of a reported rape, the question of “who really is on trial” arises. Victims often become objects of intense scrutiny, having their character, motivation, and possibly their sexual history questioned. When on trial, the focus should not be questioning the victim’s character, but rather questioning the perpetrator’s character. Solutions to rape are not clear-cut. Some possible solutions could be addressing the definition of rape, making it universal across the country, having education on rape and consent at a younger age, and having psychologists as expert witnesses explaining why a victim might freeze over fighting when questioned on the stand. Rape ranks as one of the most challenging crimes to prosecute in today’s courts: the absence of a unilateral definition of the crime, the too frequent lack of compelling physical evidence to prosecute, and the likely attack on the character and integrity of the victim, all contribute to the difficulty of bringing this crime to trial.

Part 1

When someone is raped, how do they know they have been raped, legally speaking? Living in New York versus Connecticut, two people could experience rape, yet the legal definition is different in each state. Connecticut, for example, does not have the word “rape” in their definition. Connecticut’s laws on rape are defined using the term “sexual assault” (Attorney S.N., 2005). Using the terms “rape” and “sexual assault” interchangeably is confusing to a victim. Some states define sexual assault as everything but penetration, but if one lives in Connecticut, sexual assault includes penetration. In Georgia, a man cannot be raped because they definition is gender specific. Some of the definitions are old fashioned based on gender stereotypes of men being the aggressors and the women being the victims. These definitions were so outdated that if one were married in some states their husband could rape them and legally it would not be considered rape because the definition goes back to when women were the property of men (Deisen & Diesen, 2010). This is why definitions are important. Someone who has been raped might not come forward because they might feel that what happened to them does not meet the criteria, or they might think they were only sexually assaulted- which has a connotation of being a lesser crime than rape- based on the state’s definition. Definitions also challenge the prosecution. If what happened to a person does not meet legal definitions then the case cannot be taken. With legal definitions, there are two types of definitions, ones based on consent and ones based on violence,

“Rape has been commonly viewed as a crime involving assault with a sexual dimension, in which the violent force is the punishable component . . . modern rape laws are based on non-consent . . . indicating that the crime is viewed as an offense against personal integrity” (Deisen & Diesen, 2010, pp. 331-332).

The rape laws involving the definition of the use of force or threat implies that the woman is accessible until there is violence, and evidence is left, meaning the crime has officially occurred. Most rapes are assumed to be violent, and when they are not, the second problem arises- lack of physical evidence. When there is a lack of physical evidence then there is a lack of confidence in the victim reporting the crime.

Lack of physical evidence is one of the reasons rape cases can be so difficult to prosecute. Most rape victims are raped by someone they know, which increases the shock in the victim, and could lead to the victim having a “freeze” response. Most people, when talking about traumatic events, mention the “fight or flight” instinct but often forget the third response of “freeze.” This is where psychology comes into play to explain why there are many rapes that are not violent. Neuroscience is the best way to explain what happens when a person is attacked. Essentially the pre-frontal cortex is incapacitated and the person is relying on survival instincts and habits. James W. Hopper, PhD., wrote an article for the Washington Post explaining the neuroscience behind trauma explaining that, “Freezing occurs when the amygdala – a crucial structure in the brain’s fear circuitry – detects an attack and signals the brainstem to inhibit movement. It happens in a flash, automatically and beyond conscious control.” During this instinctual reaction, the pre-frontal cortex is overloaded with stress hormones, inhibiting rational thinking. This author makes a great point when mentioning that humans evolved as prey. Humans were not always the most dominant species, and so, humans have prey like instincts to survive a predator. When someone gets raped the three survival instincts kick in- fight, flight, or freeze- and that is how one rape might have left no marks and another rape could leave the victim covered in bruises. Police often believe a woman who reports the rape immediately and has physical evidence, leading to a stronger case for the prosecutor, making them more inclined to take the case. Women often wait to report rapes due to the trauma, causing emotions of deep humiliation, shame, and self-hatred. Often after such a psychologically detrimental attack the women may not feel strong enough, psychologically, to report the rape, or might fear not being believed by the police.

Police play a huge role in rape cases. Prosecutors may not take cases they believe to be too challenging to prosecute, but the police are the ones who determine whether the claim is unfounded, which means, “A complaint is considered founded when it meets state or federal crime standards; therefore, unfounded claims are claims that are not considered true crimes” (Mennicke, Anderson, Oehme, & Kennedy, 2014, pp. 814- 815). Society has many stereotypes about rapes and rape victims, so it is extremely important to make sure officers do not fall into the false beliefs out there, and yet most do, which often proposes a challenge. A study done in Florida with 148 officers on attitudes towards victims and rape resulted in,

“Most officers (79.7%) only provided a partial definition of rape, leaving out at least one of the four key components. In addition, most officers (80.9%) reported that the rate of false rape claims was much higher than current best estimates (2%–8%; Lonsway et al., 2009). These two findings taken together suggest that law enforcement officers still hold stereotypic and harmful attitudes” (Mennicke, Anderson, Oehme, & Kennedy, 2014, pp. 824).

The fact that officers leave out parts of rape definitions and believe that false rape reports are higher than they actually are, indicates a problem for victims. If police officers are having biased or stereotyped beliefs then that is going to affect their ability to handle a rape case. Police, using the training they have for dealing with other crimes, might come off as insensitive to a victim, or ask questions that make the victim feel as if it is their fault they got raped. Cops often are not trained in psychology, and may not have had the correct training to understand a victim’s reaction to rape, so when cops see a victim who is emotionless while describing the rape they might assume the victim is lying- “Cops learn to interview victims based on interrogation practices, which emphasize establishing a timeline and key facts” (Ruiz, 2013). Reasons victims do not report their rape not only can come from not knowing whether what happened to them legally is a crime, but also from the simple fear of police not believing them or making them feel guilty for a crime committed against them. Some “lucky” victims have their case taken to trial, but what really goes into the decision making on the prosecutors end? “Some studies suggest that prosecutors attempt to predict how the background, behavior, and motivation of the suspect and victim will be interpreted and evaluated by other decision makers, and especially by potential jurors” (Beichner, & Spohn, 2012, pp. 4). Not only do prosecutors look at the legal facts of the case -seriousness of the crime, amount of physical evidence, responsibility of the defendant- they look at the victim and make sure the victim has a “good image,” and if all the boxes are checked off that gives them confidence in prosecuting the case, that is when prosecutors take the case.

“CJS personnel often prosecute cases in which they believe the victim will make a credible witness. Therefore, a case might not be prosecuted if officials do not think that the victim will make a credible witness even if they believe that a rape occurred” (Patterson, 2011, pp. 1350).

Prosecutors also fall into stereotyping like cops. Our society has this image of rape being a stranger jumping out from a hidden place and attacking a victim with a weapon, and if a rape case that comes to the law enforcement or prosecutor does not line up with that “real rape” case scenario there is often hesitancy, “Because simple rape cases are not considered real rapes, such victim characteristics would play a more important role in determining the outcome of these cases” (Beichner, & Spohn, 2012, pp. 6). Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners play a role in the justice system as well, and the nurses often witness the treatment of victims from law enforcement, and they

“described police, medical systems, and legal system as wielding power to revictimize rape victims. In fact, SANEs felt that rape victims were particularly traumatized when members of such systems engaged in victim- blaming behavior or questioning, did not believe them, pressured them to recount the events multiple times to multiple people, failed to give them adequate information, or refused them help or treatment” (Maier, 2012, pp. 297).

The nurses who care for the victims even witness the harsh behavior that can come from the criminal justice system.

Part 2

Solutions to rape are far from simple. There are many parts to the solution to rape that will be discussed because rape is such a complex issue -criminally, mentally, and psychologically speaking.

Definitions of rape, as mentioned, are not universal. Each state has their own definition and statute of limitation. Why does rape have a statute of limitation when rape is the second most heinous crime that can be committed against another human, following murder, which has no statute of limitation (Giacalone, 2013).

“The crime of rape is not considered the most heinous crime (number 2) . . . but some, including myself would disagree. When someone is murdered, the pain and suffering lives on with the family and not the victim. Often rape is a crime that leaves the victim violated, their life and relationships in ruin and sometimes emotionally distraught. Sometimes the victim takes her own life because of it” (Giacalone, 2013, pp. 189).

Seeing that rape is such a monstrous crime, the definition and statute of limitations need to be changed. Bill Fitzpatrick, New York District Attorney of Onondaga County says,

“In terms of atrocity, in terms of the breaking of the social contract by the defendant, in terms of the impact on the victim, does it really matter to her at the end of the day if it was a penis or some kind of foreign object? . . . In my judgment, no” (Cowan, 2016).

By having a universal definition of rape, sexual assault, and all other sex crimes, people can avoid the confusion, and victims can be more confident coming forward, knowing that the definition does not discriminate against gender, object used, or what body part was penetrated. Adding to those standards, rapes, whether there was a weapon or not, should be treated equally by the law. Just because one rape did not involve a weapon does not take away from the fact that the rape was a horrifyingly traumatic experience for the victim. Along with a definition change, the statute of limitations should be abolished. Having a statute of limitations on a crime that violates the very soul of a human being is adding injury to insult at best and at worst just plain insulting.

Changes should not only be made in the law, but also in the preventative care. Instead of focusing all the efforts on after the crime has occurred, efforts should be put forth to educate the youth better. When teenagers are taught sex education in school, they should also be taught about consent and body language. Not all victims scream, struggle, or say no. Some victims freeze, dissociate. That should be part of the sex education taught. The younger generations should learn not only about STD’s and safe sex, that only skims the basics of having a healthy sex life. A healthy sex life requires two consenting people that are of legal age. Teaching teenagers in sex education about the psychology of rape and consent would be beneficial in preventing this crime from taking place.

“Enthusiastic consent essentially means that both people want to have sex with one another…If a person is unconscious, unresponsive, or not providing any sign of a ‘yes,’ then it definitely means no. No one is entitled to sex, Stamoulis states, and ‘even during sexual activity, you should check in with a partner if you feel that their interest has waned’” (Bushak, 2017).

When talking about rape,  another problem must be addressed that is considered “taboo” to talk about, which is porn. These days men and women are exposed to hypersexual images in our culture and are further exposed to pornography at such young ages, that it impacts their brains development in their sexual tastes, that our culture has become desensitized to rape, and

“regular exposure to pornography increased risk of sexual deviancy (including lower age of first intercourse and excessive masturbation), increased belief in the ‘rape myth’ (that women cause rape and rapists are normal), and was associated with negative attitudes regarding intimate relationships (e.g., rejecting the need for courtship and viewing persons as sexual objects)” (Anonymous, 2010).

Most people do not like to talk about porn, and think porn is harmless, but,

“this study showed the strong link between men’s viewing pornography and behavioral intent to commit sexual assault. Furthermore, when men view sadomasochistic and rape pornography, their danger to females increases concurrently. Using these two types of pornography makes men significantly more likely to report intent to rape, stronger beliefs in rape myths, a decreased willingness to intervene in a potential sexual assault, and a lower sense of efficacy about intervening in a potential sexual assault situation” (Foubert, Brosi, & Bannon, 2011, pp. 227).

Along with adding in consent education, education about porn and the harmful effects should be another addition to sex education in high school. If the younger generation has a well-rounded sex education, that goes into all the complexes of human sexuality, there will be more informed people that will hopefully be respectful of those around them.

Educating the criminal justice system is needed as well as educating the youth. As mentioned earlier, cops and lawyers might not be well versed in psychological knowledge, and thus treat victims skeptically or not give victims the chance to get justice, letting a criminal go. All police should be trained at the basic level in how to respond to a rape victim because detectives might not be a responding officer to the crime, and if a responding officer does not know how to create a safe environment to get the information needed, then that can affect the entirety of the case. Detectives should have more in-depth training, and there ideally should be a special victims unit in police departments, where those detectives are highly trained in rape psychology.

“[A] victim will attempt to avoid reminders of the rape or the offender for a long period of time following the rape. Therefore, a detective who questions a victim in a forceful, blaming manner is likely to resemble the offender, creating an uncomfortable and intimidating interview environment” (Patterson, 2011, pp. 1367-1368).

If someone is to help a rape victim, they must understand the psychology of rape for victims and perpetrators. Victims lose credibility because they report late, yet most victims have signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and thus, they avoid any reminder of the traumatic experience, leading them to report late. The detectives that handle rape cases must have education in psychology, rape, and trauma, whether it is a class that they sign up for before they become a cop, or whether a psychologist comes into the department to teach the cops over the course of a couple weeks to months depending on how extensive the material is.

Along with educating the police, lawyers should have at least the very basic psychological knowledge of rapes, and how rape can impact a victim, so they know why a victim they originally might think would not be credible would actually be credible if presented in a psychological perspective. This is where the use of psychological expert witnesses come into play. In rape cases, there should always be a psychological expert witness to testify to explain the neuroscience behind trauma and the extent to which rape myths are rampant and should be excluded from people’s minds because it is not legally nor logically relevant to why a person might rape. Expert witnesses in rape cases are not limited to just testifying, they can even help the prosecutor evaluate the case and come up with strategies, help with voice dire questions, aiding in jury selection, and helping to prepare the victim if they are going on the stand (Lonsway, 2005).  It is important for people -police, lawyers, civilians, victims, and jurors- to understand the neuroscience behind trauma so that rape myths can be challenged head on in the courtroom. Mentioned earlier, the three survival instincts were described – fight, flight or freeze. People know of animals that play dead, like opossums. They go into a state called tonic immobility, and humans go into that state as well, usually during rapes and sexual assaults.

“One such response is tonic immobility . . . the body is literally paralyzed by fear – unable to move, speak, or cry out. The body goes rigid. Hands may go numb . . . Some people describe feeling ‘like a rag doll’ as the perpetrator did whatever he wanted . . . Sadly, many investigators and prosecutors still do not know some or all of these brain-based responses.” (Hopper, 2015).

Expert witnesses should be assigned to rape cases, and be included as part of the criminal justice “team” that is involved in rape cases, that way the victim can have hard science on their side as evidence.

The criminal justice system is in place for a reason, so why is it that college campuses have started taking on the responsibility of the police when it comes to rapes and sexual assaults? The idea may have started out positive, but in reality, the schools are more about protecting their image (and star athletes) than protecting the victim (The Hunting Ground, 2017). “So now colleges are conducting trials, often presided over by professors and administrators who know little about law or criminal investigations . . . The process is inherently unreliable and error-prone” (Rubenfeld, 2014). Having schools have rape trials has many problems being, the “judges” are biased because they work for the school and protect the school first, they do not have the legal knowledge that is necessary to conduct a fair trial, and because of those factors rapists walk among the campus raping other girls as they please.

“Rape on campus is substantially enabled by the fact that rapists almost always get away with their crimes. College punishments — sensitivity training, a one-semester suspension — are slaps on the wrist. Even expulsion is radically deficient. It leaves serial rapists free to rape elsewhere, while their crimes are kept private under confidentiality rules. If college rape trials become a substitute for criminal prosecution, they will paradoxically help rapists avoid the punishment they deserve and require in order for rape to be deterred” (Rudenfeld, 2014).

With campuses handling rape cases, it leaves rapists at large to rape again, and it essentially protects the rapists, which means having cases go to the proper authorities would be the best for the safety of the campus.

Conclusion

Rape is one of the most complex crimes to prosecute because of the psychological nature involved. There are no easy solutions to the problem, but if steps are taken to change the culture, definitions, education, then maybe one-day rapes will go down. Having universal definitions for the different sex crimes with no statute of limitations would make reporting the crimes less confusing, and victims might feel more confident that what happened to them is a crime. If teenagers have a well-rounded sex education, that is one preventative measure that can be taken against rapes to hopefully reduce the crime. Cops and lawyers having education in the psychology of rape and the traumatic reactions will have a huge impact on how they treat victims and more importantly, see victims. Having the police handle rape cases instead of college campuses would be more beneficial because cops are supposed to be impartial, whereas the school might have their best interest at heart instead of the victims. Finally, having an expert witness in rapes and trauma alongside them would be beneficial so we have all perspectives involved – investigative, legal, and psychological- would help improve the problem with rapes being one of the most challenging crimes to prosecute.

Reference List

A. (2010, March 31). National Review: Getting Serious On Pornography. Retrieved April 17, 2017, from http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=125382361

Attorney, S. N. (2005). Retrieved April 13, 2017, from https://www.cga.ct.gov/2005/rpt/2005- R-0857.htm

Beichner, D., & Spohn, C. (2012). Modeling the effects of victim behavior and moral character on prosecutors’ charging decisions in sexual assault cases. Violence and Victims, 27(1), 3-24. doi:10.1891/0886-6708.27.1.3

Bushak, L. (2016, June 17). After Brock Turner, How Should We Teach Boys Not To Rape? Retrieved April 17, 2017, from http://www.medicaldaily.com/brock-turner-rape- consensual-sex-education-389909

Cowan, S. (2016, June 29). See How Your State Legally Defines Rape (or Does not). Retrieved April 17, 2017, from http://www.takepart.com/article/2016/06/29/state-rape-laws

Deisen, C., & Diesen, E. F. (2010). Sex crime legislation: Proactive and anti-therapeutic effects. International Journal Of Law And Psychiatry, 33(5-6), 329-335. doi: 10.1016/j.ijlp.2010.09.018

Foubert, J. D., Brosi, M. W., & Bannon, R. S. (2011). Pornography viewing among fraternity men: Effects on bystander intervention, rape myth acceptance and behavioral intent to commit sexual assault. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 18(4), 212-231. doi: 10.1080/10720162.2011.625552

Giacalone, J. L. (2013). The criminal investigative function: a guide for new investigators. Flushing, NY: Looseleaf Law Publications.

Hopper, J. W. (2015, June 23). Why many rape victims do not fight or yell. Retrieved April 13, 2017, from https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/grade-point/wp/2015/06/23/why- many-rape-victims-dont-fight-or-yell/?utm_term=.d08c30e6a1b4

Lonsway, K. A. (2005). The Use of Expert Witnesses in Cases Involving Sexual Assault. Retrieved April 14, 2017, from http://www.ncdsv.org/images/ useexpertwitnessessexassaultcases.pdf

Maier, S. L. (2012). Sexual assault nurse examiners’ perceptions of the revictimization of rape victims. Journal Of Interpersonal Violence, 27(2), 287-315. doi: 10.1177/0886260511416476

Mennicke, A., Anderson, D., Oehme, K., & Kennedy, S. (2014). Law enforcement officers’ perceptions of rape and rape victims: A multimethod study. Violence And Victims, 29(5), 814-827. doi:10.1891/0886-6708.VV-D- 13- 00017

Patterson, D. (2011). The impact of detectives’ manner of questioning on rape victims’ disclosure. Violence Against Women, 17(11), 1349-1373. doi: 10.1177/1077801211434725

Rubenfeld, J. (2014, November 15). Mishandling Rape. Retrieved April 17, 2017, from https:// http://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/16/opinion/sunday/mishandling-rape.html

Ruiz, R. (2013, June 19). Why Do not Cops Believe Rape Victims? Brain Science Explains. Retrieved April 13, 2017, from  http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/jurisprudence/2013/06 why_cops_don_t_believe_rape_victims_and_how_brain_science_can_solve_the.html

The Hunting Ground (2017).The Hunting Ground Book. Retrieved April 17, 2017, from http:// thehuntinggroundfilm.com/2016/05/the-hunting-ground-book/

Partners Of Porn Addicts

I have redone the look of the forum and I am really glad that we have gotten new members! I hope that anyone who is struggling with porn addiction can give the forum link to their partners, and that any partners of porn addiction join as well. So far everyone on the forum is happy that it’s a safe place for partners.

XOXO Anna

Moms

Right now, I am overwhelmed with moms. I, in my last post, talked about how my mom and I had a bit of a disagreement on our relationship and the needs within the relationship. I have also mentioned Cody’s mom because she is driving me up the freaking wall!  Then this week I am going to be talking to a family friend who helped get my sister and I adopted and go over the adoption papers with her and ask questions about my birth mom. So lots of mom stuff going on.

I am going to be talking about Cody’s mom. If you read the post linked about, you will understand where this all started. I am going to post the conversation below because it is so ridiculous and hurtful that I can’t wrap my head around it.

 

Things to know

Cody’s has given me permission to post the conversation. Cody’s parents divorced at age 10 for him. His mother is a cocaine addict and has struggled with alcohol, which partly is why the divorce happened I assume. She went to treatment after the divorce. His dad told us she was never around and couldn’t budge when he would beg for an inch for her to help him with the 3 kids. Cody lived one week at his dads and one week at his moms for five or six years.When at his mom’s, she was always working and he barely saw her. Then he just lived with his dad after that. So all in all, she was absent for most of his life and has been selfish so to speak.

Conversation

December 27th

She texts me, “Perhaps your screening Cody’s calls. Please have him call me tonight ASAP.”

Cody realized he had missed a call from her because his phone sound was off.

She texts him about money, and he replies, “Hey I don’t think my phone is working. I tried to answer your call but I couldn’t hear you.”

She replies, “Why not answer my texts then? Are you home or are you stopping by?”

He replies, “We just got home, I forgot to stop by the bank. I can give it to you early tomorrow morning.”

She replies, “Ok. But I’m going to fix this phone issue for you with a new phone and new security. Only I will be able to change or block on your behalf and your phone will ALWAYS work. I’ll work with Verizon tomorrow and keep you posted and close your current phone account. This way only you and I will have the access with additional security and insurance. Love you and see you in the morning mom.”

He replies, “What the hell does that mean? My phone broke… I got a refurbished phone because it was cheapest… sometimes the speakers don’t work, that’s it. I reset my phone and it’s fine. That’s why I miss notifications. What do you mean by security? There is no security threats nor is anything being blocked. I’m sorry I haven’t paid you yet if that’s what you’re upset about, Anna has been telling me I need to take care of the phone bill and she needs my half of the other bills, I’ve been lazy.”

“Cody, just come over tomorrow morning and we will work things out. Just you and me, okay?”

 

That ends December 27th for you. So that was the first conversation and highly offensive to both of us. Cody also used to work at Verizon so he didn’t understand what his mom meant about security because you can’t add more than there already is. Cody has MobileFence on his phone so that he can be accountable in his recovery from porn addiction, he had take it off if he wants so I am not controlling his phone, which his mom obviously thinks, which is highly offensive.

December 28th we go to his moms, I wait in the car. He comes back and they didn’t talk about anything. So we go to breakfast, I’m pissed, he eventually texts her this, “I forgot to mention something while I was there. I really didn’t appreciate you accusing Anna of screening my calls. You should’ve just asked me why I wasn’t answering. She doesn’t control me or what I do on my phone so don’t worry about that. It kind of felt like you were treating me like a kid. We have

So we go to breakfast, I’m pissed, he eventually texts her this, “I forgot to mention something while I was there. I really didn’t appreciate you accusing Anna of screening my calls. You should’ve just asked me why I wasn’t answering. She doesn’t control me or what I do on my phone so don’t worry about that. It kind of felt like you were treating me like a kid. We have a account together because it’s cheaper between the two of us, you may be the account holder but I do not want you ever canceling my line I would love to not get a new number and if it’s a problem I’ll take my number off.”

That was texted to her at 11:22 am. She replies at 6:34, “Did you try the stick yet? Did it work vocally? I want to know so I can order one for mom and dad tonight as they are on back order.”

She calls, Cody is driving so he doesn’t answer. He texts, “Driving” so she knows he isn’t purposely ignoring her.

She replies, “Call me when you get home. Working on the computer. Thanks honey!”

At 8:17 Cody replies, “Just got home, haven’t tried it. Don’t know if you got my text before I’ll resend it.” (Cody resends the text from after breakfast).

Next contact is on January 7th, she says, “I haven’t heard from you. How are you surviving this storm? Are you both home and safe? Just worried about you. Let me know. Love you both, mom. By the way, [my boyfriends] mom passed away Wednesday morning. It’s been a tough week.”

Cody replies, “Hey yeah we’re safe. I’m sorry to hear that. How’s [your boyfriend]?”

January 9th, Cody texts, “Hey are you free tomorrow?” No reply.

There was a phone call between them at some point from December 27th to January 20th were we where at BJs and when Cody tried to talk about what needs to be talked about she said they would have that conversation face to face and hung up.

January 20th

She says, (2 pictures of finances) Hi honey, we haven’t talked in ages. Work has been crazy. Had a 15 hour straight day yesterday, closed, got home at 12:30 and bed at 1:15 am, up at 4:45 am for corp breakfast at 7 am for 45. Slept this afternoon. Ugh! Anyway, I paid Verizon. I’ve attached last month and this month’s calculations with xtra payment last month and your caller ID monthly charge you added. So you owe $85.51. You equipment balance is getting lower, yeah. I’m working doubles sat and sun and [the boss] is on vacation (1st in 9 years) so I’ll be busy this next week. Let me know when you can stop by and maybe visit too. Miss you both and hope your both well. I love you!! Mom”

January 21

Cody says, “Hey mom, wow sounds busy. I would like to get together. Are you free at all this week?”

January 23

She says, “Hey Cody, my schedule is crazy!! I’m working on computer all night. Give me a call tonight when you have a minute.” (Cody doesn’t call)

January 27

Cody says, “Hey mom, it was a crazy week. Lots of work on the website, been super busy. And class started so I’ve been trying to keep up with statistics. Are you free this week? We can get together and catch up and I can give you Verizon money.”

She replies, “Are you free now to talk for two minutes”

He replies, “Talk about what?” (because 2 minutes is not the conversation he needs)

She replies, “The message you just texted me. Hey. What’s up, why so defensive sounding. Honey. Just give me a call. I miss you”

He replies, “Apparently you don’t want to talk about it. I’ve been trying to get together with you so we can talk. I’m upset that you accuse Anna of screening my phone calls, which is ridiculous. Then you go on to say that you’re going to put new security on my phone and get me a new phone or something? It’s my phone I’ll do what I want with it. I got on your plan so we could split the bill so it would be cheaper for both of us. I don’t appreciate you saying you’re putting security on my phone and “only we’ll have access” Anna does not control anything or keep me from anything. In fact she’s been trying to get me to talk to you for the past few weeks. And I would very much like to meet with you so we can talk face to face.”

January 29

He says, “Mom you can’t ignore me, I want to address this. I’m not ok with you treating us like that. I love you and I love seeing you but I don’t want you to think badly of Anna when all she’s been is amazing to me and I’m your son but not a child and I don’t need to be treated like one. I’ll do with my phone what I want and if that’s not ok I’ll make my own plan. I love you and want things to be ok but I’m not going to pretend we’re ok when I’m actually upset.

February 5

She says, “Can you drop off phone money today please. $85. Your 2 weeks late and I could use it please. [my boyfriend] will be at the house. I’m working. Please leave it with him. I’ll be home around 5. Thank you, Love you. Mom”

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That brings us to today and I am OUTRAGED. I don’t really understand what it would be like to have divorced parents but is this normal???? For one parent to not care or be so dismissive and selfish and rude??? I can’t understand why his mom isn’t trying. Why wouldn’t a mom try to have a relationship with THE ONLY child who is trying??? Cody’s sister and brother gave up on his mom years ago. Cody is the only person left that she talks to from her “family.” This is just making me so angry and confused. Isn’t there something in a mother’s DNA that hardwires them to care about their children??? This is honestly just baffling to see. Can anyone give their 2 cents on this? I am having issues wrapping my head around her behavior.

Cody is going to go over at 5 today he says, and I hope that goes well.

XOXO Anna

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I Realized I’ll Never Compare To The Women In My Boyfriends Porn (FTND)

When I Realized I’ll Never Compare To The Women In My Boyfriends Porn 

This article is from Fight The New Drug. I was on there the other day and read this article and personally found that it was well written, very accurate in how I’ve personally felt going through having a partner with porn addiction, and emotionally evoking.

Just thought I’d share.

XOXO Anna

Self-Objectification

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I have objectified myself for a pretty long time now. I remember knowing that at a young age I was “only as good as however many guys liked me.” I, knowing or believing that, made sure I was attractive. In high school I would wake up at 5 am to shower, do my hair, and make up. That’s how much I would care, and that didn’t even include having to choose the “right” outfit. I tried very hard to be attractive, and in high school I never really had any guys.

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In college, if you’ve read my blog, you know how many guys I’ve gotten. In college I really objectified myself. I wore my skimpy, sexy, provocative outfits. I knew that was the only way to get a guys attention. I knew if I didn’t wear those clothes I’d be invisible. Now where and when did I learn this? Society warps young kids minds about the roles they play and what they are expected to be. At some point girls start being taught that they are supposed to play with makeup and dresses and boys play with things that they can build or play sports.

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From a young age I knew what society expected of me as a girl, but I never truly fit that stereotype. Since I’ve been with Cody I have changed a lot. I’ve changed for the better. When first meeting Cody I wore my sexy outfits, and once I was his girlfriend he told me I didn’t have to wear those outfits, that he preferred me in casual clothes. It didn’t hit me until I found out about his addiction and started all this research that I had been objectifying myself because that is what society taught me to do.

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I have stopped objectifying myself and I feel like a person and not an object for someone else’s sexual pleasure. I find it ironic that the porn addict teaches me this 😛 But I never realized how much society impacted me and the way I viewed myself until recently. Since I’ve realized this, I see society, and I walk down the street and I am sad because I see so many people falling into what society teaches. Girls, if single- and you know they’re single- wear provocative clothes, anything that draws attention to certain areas of their body. Men also can fall into that trap. Men don’t go around in skimpy clothes, but they do wear more fitting and nicer clothes if trying to seem attractive. I find it sad that society teaches us that our looks are the defining factor, the thing that makes someone worthy.

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People have SO MANY qualities and such unique personalities and they should be valued on that and not their looks. I have self-objectified and I’ve seen so many other women doing that, and I’m sure they might not even be aware of it. Why can’t we all just be people? Why does society have to portray women as sexual objects in the media, TV, movies, billboards, etc. Yes, men get objectified too, but there is a lot more objectification of women.

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I honestly can’t believe the person I used to be before meeting Cody. The things I thought were so important are truly irrelevant. Before him, I thought I had to be physical perfection or I would get rejected. I thought I had to be the best sex partner in bed or I wasn’t anything. I never really was someone who watched porn, but after my trauma’s I did, and I felt disgusted seeing those. I thought, “my god how can that women let herself be treated that way?” I now realize I was doing the same thing. Dressing for a guy, being nice for a guy, doing anything sexual for a guy. I got the message from a young age that my worth was based on what a man thought of me. If a man approved then I must be good. If a man thought I was sexy, then I must be that. I never learned to define myself by MY opinions and thoughts.

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I really hope that this changes. I hope that kids are taught to value themselves not by someone else’s opinions, but by their own opinions. In the end the only person who should define you is you.

Huge Steps Forward!! So Proud of Cody!

Today Cody made a huge step forward! He posted on Facebook openly admitting he is a porn addict. He told me it was okay to post his post on here, so I will in support of him.

 

 

“It seems to me that there is a problem in today’s society that most people are unaware of. To some, it’s not a problem, to others it may be, some don’t realize it and most just deny it completely. To me personally it is a major problem and i didn’t even know it until earlier this year. I’ve had it for probably almost a decade from what i can remember, and in the past years has helped feed a circle of feeling hopeless and like I wasn’t going anywhere in life and even some depression i didn’t even know I had. I’ve been addicted to porn for a long time and it took me a while to even realize let alone admit that it was a problem. It’s not a problem for everybody but for those that it is they may not realize it. You’d be surprised how much it changes your personality and especially how you view not just woman but everyone. It makes you think that societies view of how a man and woman should look is that “perfect” photo shopped add from clothes stores and magazines when in reality nobody looks like that. It makes the “perfect guy muscular with a perfect face and hair and the girls are unrealistically skinny and most don’t realize what hell they go through with there awful health killing diets. And nobody realizes that most porn stars in fact don’t want to do porn and the suicide rate is atrocious. The average life expectancy of a porn star isn’t even 40 years old. The only 2 states that it’s legal in don’t even do it legally. 

The biggest problem is the effect it has on relationships in society. Most divorces are because of porn and other infidelity that is the cause of a porn addiction that got so bad they went to physical cheating. My relationship has taken a huge toll because of what I’ve done with porn. Anna told me from the start that she can’t handle that in a relationship, her anorexia would take over. I did it for an entire year behind her back. When she found out i promised i wouldn’t do it ever again. Of course being an addict that didn’t happen. I couldn’t understand why i wouldn’t stop and i was disgusted with myself inside. This happened a few more times where i said i’d stop and didn’t until she found everything I had done for the past year or so a few months ago and it really hurt us.There is nothing in the world we argue about. There is nothing we can’t have a short conversation about before coming to a compromise. We agree on almost EVERYTHING and am not exaggerating. The things we don’t agree on we talk and come to an agreement but that’s rare we don’t agree on something. We’ve rarely been apart in the past 16 months besides work and class and we still miss each other when we’re apart. We never fight about anything except for my porn addiction. I ruined the best thing I’ve ever had because of it. Fortunately she’s amazing and has stayed with me and is helping me through it. It is still difficult though. We fight more often all about things that come back to what I did. I lied to her constantly as an addict always does and it took a while to know and admit that it was an addiction. Luckily enough it was not as escalated as I have read of others that were much much worse. I never went passed vanilla and I never got Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction, and yes it exists. If you watch and get off to porn too much you may start needing more and more porn and different kinds just to get hard or even turned on at all. Eventually you won’t be able to get an erection, not even for real people. It can be cured by a 90 cleanse from porn and getting off at all. A lot of addicts will go to some fucked up shit on porn sites even child and incest and other taboo shit. Their relationships will crumble and that’s usually what causes divorce. If your partner, girlfriend or whoever you’re with is not ok with it and you do it anyway, you’re letting other woman into the relationship and that’s cheating. It’s infidelity and if it’s left untreated and can escalate to going to other woman physically and emotionally. Some couples and partners are ok with each other watching porn, and that’s fine if they are both ok with it but as long as they know that porn is mostly rape and sex trafficking. They usually start out modeling or something innocent and simple and someone tells them they can make a lot of money just having sex. They start of simple and easy but the next thing they know they’re taking it in every whole and on coke and alcohol just to get through it and they’re pregnant or have syphilis for the fifth time because the tests the male actors get for std’s are mostly fake. That’s not all cases but it is a lot of cases. Like i said, even the legitimate companies don’t abide by the laws. The industry is mostly unregulated. 

Since I’ve stopped, I’ve been so much happier. Work is better, I’m passing classes with more than a C+ i have all A’s now. I finally feel like I’m working on my future because I’ve felt so stuck for so long. And my relationship is better even though there are some fights about the past porn use and what it did. Also the sex is great, it was great before but now it’s the best sex ever every time. Porn really does effect how you interact with people and can very well hinder any kind of intimacy with people, not just in a romantic relationship. Quitting has just overall made me a better person and feel like a better person. I’ve seen so many stories that are very sad and some that are very nice to see that people recover. It’s also nice to see that I’m not alone by long shot. It’s a huge problem not only in the U.S. but it’s such a serious issue in Australia that a mayor declared that he will try to make his city porn free. High school students in Australia take nudes of girls in class and not only rate them but trade them as if it’s a currency.

It really is a serious problem and I know many of you will disagree and I really don’t care about your arguments on this. This is my experience and my opinions with some facts thrown in. This is not me wanting to argue although if you have polite counterpoints or questions I am more than happy to talk. This is a serious issue and I believe awareness of such a problem should be spread to not only help people who share this problem but also address the insecurity that things like this cause with guys and girls alike where they feel they have to match this impossible picture of perfection that society paints and that even their partners/girlfriends/boyfriends expect them to look like. They even say they want someone more porn or model like not knowing the kind of verbal knife that they are using to stab them with. It’s serious shot to self esteem and self worth. I hope everyone can understand this and help make people aware or at least know that this is a problem. I know this was a very long post but thank you for being a real friend to me and taking the time to read it.”

 

I am very proud of the progress he has made and the fact that he was willing to be open about his struggle.

His friends have been so supportive. His sister and brother told him to take down the post because they think it will hurt his chances of employment in the future. His brother also said that post was a lie and that Cody doesn’t have an issue. Cody is upset that his siblings aren’t being supportive, but happy that his friends are.

XOXO Anna