Body Image and Pregnancy

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I have found it increasingly difficult to accept that my body is changing. I have struggled with anorexia for too many years, and now that I am pregnant, I am terrified about my body. I know I’ve gained weight and it’s probably just water retention or baby getting bigger or my boobs getting bigger and I know that I have to gain weight to have a successful pregnancy. But until there is a baby bump, I just feel fat. I don’t like these changes but know that it’s all for baby to be healthy.

It’s hard eating when you get nauseous at your favorite foods, especially when you’re already a picky eater. I just feel like I’m failing to eat enough due to food aversions and nausea and I feel terrible about it. Part of me doesn’t like the not eating because it reminds me of the days I used to restrict food.

I really want to have a healthy baby, and I know that eating right is part of that. I just hope that I can get enough food in for baby and me to be healthy.

XOXO Anna

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Pregnancy is daunting

I am completely not used to this. I am almost 10 weeks and I am always tired. Plus commuting to NYC for two hours twice a week doesn’t help the exhaustion. I am really excited about this, but at the same time have worries like any other first-time parent. May 5th we are going to be having a consultation for possible genetic testing. I know I am 23 years old but given that I am adopted and really know nothing about my medical or genetic history scares me, especially being pregnant. On May 5th we will discuss finance, the tests, and options. If we decide to go ahead we would get an NT and the blood test that also tells gender.

All this pregnancy stuff is so new and unknown at times it seems so daunting. Especially the body changes. Given the history of anorexia and the fact I got out of treatment in the beginning of January, I am anxious about how I will handle the body changes mentally. I know there’s lots of bloating and water retention in the first trimester and I’ve been dealing with that to the best of my ability.

Also, I don’t know how to announce the pregnancy. I’ve told some close friends, including Quick Silver, and our families know, including extended family. But announcing the pregnancy to our friends is something I am unsure of how to do. I feel like my friend Serena, who I have known since kindergarten might be a bit judgemental. I want to tell her soon but just hope she can have a positive reaction, like the other people I’ve told. Everyone has been positive, happy and supportive. I just hope our friends can be the same.

XOXO Anna

 

I’ve Been MIA because…I’m Pregnant

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I haven’t been on posting because I found out I was pregnant a month or so ago. I am 9 weeks and had the first ultrasound this week. Everything looks good. Cody and I are really excited! I just didn’t want to post this until I got the first ultrasound, hence the radio silence on my end. I am not sure how I’m going to tell people. Our families know, and now it’s about telling friends. I am not sure how they will react. I hope positively. I’ve told maybe 3 close friends so far and they have been positive about it. I know, I am 23 and most people will think that’s young. Hell I think it’s young, and this wasn’t planned but we are really excited for this. That is why I haven’t been on, trying to hold this news in until the first ultrasound and everything was cleared by the doctor.

XOXO Anna

Pregnancy

Okay, so my mom was like, “We need to talk.” I was like, “Okay, what about?”

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Then my mom starts talking about how Cody and I have sex everyday (sometimes a couple times a day) and she was worried about me getting pregnant. She and her ex-husband once got pregnant and he forced her to get an abortion, so I guess my mom didn’t want me to be in a situation that she once was in. Now I know this topic of pregnancy and abortion is one that has two strong sides, and I would appreciate no negativity towards my mom because of what her terrible ex-husband made her do. He did force her, trust me. He is a terrible human being and… he did worse to my mom than that, but anyways.

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I told my mom about what Cody and I talked about and how we would handle that situation and my mom was glad to hear that Cody and I had that conversation. I told her, “What do you think? I am not stupid, every time I have a boyfriend, if we are having sex, the conversation of pregnancy has been discussed. I am not going to have sex with a guy if we haven’t had that conversation.”

She was happy to hear that I was responsible with that. But it’s true, if you’re having sex with someone and can’t talk about what would happen if pregnancy occurred you shouldn’t be having sex. That’s my opinion on that. Sex is wonderful, intimate, hot, amazing, but it also comes with a huge risk. If you’re not ready to talk about that risk, have a plan, then you shouldn’t be doing it.

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But seriously most awkward conversation. Plus my mom and I have had multiple talks about birth control and all that shit, and I personally use condoms. I will NOT take a fucking pill that will send my hormones into whack and make me gain weight, change my chemistry and what not. I will NOT put anything up me as a form of birth control, and I will not insert anything into my arm that pumps out hormones. I don’t believe in that. In all honesty, I don’t like taking any meds ever because I don’t like having chemicals and hormones in me that change me. I am not saying that birth control is wrong, I think it’s a great option for those who want it and are okay with it. That’s their choice.

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I just get so angry with my mom because I’ve told her multiple times that I do not believe in putting hormones in me that change me. I told her condoms are fine for me and that was my decision. I told her that she shouldn’t ask me again in a couple months (because every time she knows I’m having sex with someone she asks) because my answer won’t change.

XOXO Anna