I’ve Been MIA

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I know I’ve been MIA. I haven’t been on for many reasons. One being school, and the second reason I will reveal next week. School has been keeping me quite busy. I am writing a paper on Rape for my Psychology and Law class. I am writing about how rape is one of the most challenging crimes to prosecute in today’s society. I am very excited and passionate about my paper.

Through doing research and reading articles for my paper I feel much more informed than I was when I was sexually assaulted and then raped two times. I truly wish I had the knowledge I have now, so I could go back and make sure I didn’t shower, or wait too long to report. I also have gotten quite angry, thinking back to when I did report. I could tell the officer who was taking down my statement and interviewing me for Monster didn’t take anything I said seriously or thought I was lying. I hated that feeling. The worst part was weeks later when he called me to tell me the DA didn’t want to take my case, and that Monster said he didn’t rape me. As if my rapist saying he didn’t rape me equivalated his innocence. That officer took my rapist’s side. The second rape that I reported was for Owen. The initial report wasn’t with the officer who I would be getting a formal interview from, but the first officer wanted to take down as much information to pass along to the officer I would be meeting with. The officer I eventually met with seemed kind, sensitive, and understanding. I really had hope. This officer seemed to, at the beginning, want to investigate the case. Of course, once we did the recorded phone call, and Owen denied everything and attempted to gaslight me, the officer said he would call me with more information. He never called. I called, he said he didn’t have anything and that he would call me. Again, he never called back. Another officer lets me down. I only hope that my rapists don’t go on to rape other women. I hope my sexual assaulter, Peter, doesn’t go on to assault other women, though I would think that Peter would be. I regret not reporting Peter because I personally feel like he had done that before to other women and that I wasn’t the first.

The first part of my paper I am addressing the problems that make rape difficult to prosecute, such as different definitions in each state for rape and sexual assault, the fact that victims are the ones that are often questioned on their character rather than the suspect, and the lack of physical evidence in rape cases. The second half of the paper is on trying to offer solutions to the issues. I think rape should have a universal definition across the country, and sexual assault should have a universal definition across the country. There should be education at a younger age about rape. I think the first time rape was really talked about and explained was in college, possibly high school. When kids have sex-ed they should also learn about consent and rape. Then, police should be trained, or have a forensic psychologist or neuropsychologist present in interviews so that the psychologist can explain the victim’s behavior instead of the cops just assuming the victim is lying.

I’ve only gotten my introduction done so far, but next week is spring break and I will be working on the paper all week.

XOXO Anna

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Online Classes

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I’ve never taken online classes, but I am doing that this semester. The Peer Counseling Program is in NYC, but my other two classes (Psych and Law, and Theories of Personality) are online.

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This is week two of the semester. I am very anxious about the Psych and Law class, mainly because everything in that class will be new to me. Theories of Personality, however, is much easier because I’ve already come across most of the theorists in other psychology classes.

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Has anyone ever taken online classes? If so, was there anything that helped with time management or focus? So far I am doing pretty well to actually sit down, do the readings, and do the assignments associated with the readings, but I do wonder if I will be able to keep that up.

XOXO Anna

Finals are Over! Education Still On the Brain…

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I am so happy that finals are over! No more stress, finally. Cody and I are also doing really well since last wednesday when we had a therapy session together. We were having issues with initiation of intimacy, and we solved it with if the candle is lit one of us is in the mood and open to the other person initiating. It’s solved a lot of our arguments.

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Even though finals just happened, I am thinking about next semester already. I am even thinking further than next semester. I am really excited about school and my education, and yeah I am a nerd. I fully admit it and am proud. For the longest time I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to do with psychology. I love psychology, law, and law enforcement. So when talking to one of my professors earlier this semester about his study on jurors and then my mom suggesting watching Bull, I realized there was a whole field in psychology I didn’t know about. Trial science. I know it’s nothing like the show Bull, but from what my professor and articles online have explained, it seems very interesting. Something that I might want to pursue or look further into.

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Treatment has been going well, and I have 3 weeks left before I discharge, which is really great. Center for Discovery definitely is an amazing treatment center for eating disorders. Much better than Renfrew in my experience. Tonight is family night, and Cody and my parents are coming. Also, my relationship with my mom has improved ten fold because of the family sessions we’ve been having. It’s nice, especially since Christmas is coming up.

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Speaking of Christmas, I got presents for my parents and Cody. I don’t have any for his family, and neither does he, so later this week we have to go do that. Christmas is a great time of year but also extremely stressful the week of. So many people are rushing around shopping, driving recklessly, and so set on getting everything on their list. I know that I haven’t gotten everything I wished I could have gotten for everyone but I am doing my best not to stress about it. In reality Christmas should be about spending time with those you love more than the gifts. I know that I got Cody things he wanted, and I got my mom something she wanted, and got my dad something that I personally think he would like, but I didn’t shower them in a million gifts. It will just be nice to have Christmas morning with all of them and have a nice family breakfast.

I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season!

XOXO Anna

 

Progress, ER, and Stressful Paper

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Cody and I have been making a lot of progress. I’ve started trusting him again with certain things and I feel a lot more love for him without anger. We’ve talked a lot and I’ve been more open about my feelings and our communication is doing very well.

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I have been having abdominal pain for the past week and I went to the ER monday night and they found a 3 cm simple cyst on my right ovary. That explains why I’ve been in so much pain. I went to the OBGYN and she gave me 800 mg ibuprofen but I have taken that and I’m still in a lot of pain. Luckily I don’t have classes this week except for friday. I just hope the pain gets better, and if not what to do…. I am supposed to get an ultrasound around thanksgiving to see if the cyst has gone away because apparently simple cysts usually go away after two period cycles.

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So being in this much pain hasn’t helped me get my social psych paper done. I have a 7-12 page paper to write about a goal I want to achieve. I started the paper then went to lunch with Cody and didn’t get much done, and with the amount of pain I’m in it’s extremely difficult to concentrate, half the time I just want to cry because of the pain and how frustrated I am that the 800 mg of ibuprofen isn’t doing much. Cody said when he gets home he will help me with my paper and cuddle with me to make me feel better. Just hoping the pain goes away soon!

XOXO Anna

Cheating and an Ignorant Teacher

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I found out that one of Cody’s friends, well his girlfriend cheated on him. Cody and I are very sad to hear that. We love both of them, and Cody’s friend told us not to treat her any differently. It just makes me sad because she is one of the only girls I get along with, so it hurts to hear that she would do something so low. I just wish she were more mature and had told her boyfriend that things weren’t working, or exactly what the issues were to see if maybe he could change things. This is why I say communication is key.

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*Trigger Warning for those with Eating Disorders*

Today I had abnormal psychology. My teacher…holy hell, I just got done venting to Cody, but my teacher is not cool. Today we studied Eating Disorders. Do you know how he started the class? He said, “At the end of class I want your opinions on whether or not you think this chapter should be taught.”

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As someone with anorexia that was extremely insensitive to hear. So, just because Eating Disorders are relatively a new diagnosis they should just be skipped over? I don’t think so. Then he proceeds to his slides on anorexia. First things first, he teaches us that anorexia’s key feature is extreme weight loss. That is true, but he made it seem like anorexics are all lanky skeletons that have wasted away and that is what anorexics all look like. They all have to be extremely underweight. He made it seem like if they weren’t under the BMI then they weren’t “officially” anorexics. I am sorry but I am 5′ 2 3/4″ and my lowest weight when I was in the worst of my disorder at age 18 was 110 lbs. I wasn’t a skeleton but I was sick. At an earlier age in high school I was 106 lbs. So weight is not the defining factor. Just because I am not extremely underweight, it doesn’t mean I’m not anorexic.

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Then he when talking about the subtypes of anorexics, which are restrictive and purging, he mentioned that purging was vomiting and over exercise. He neglected that laxatives and diuretics were also methods used. For me and my own anorexia, I would restrict, over exercise, and “purge” by using either laxatives or drinking excessive amounts of coffee as a form of laxative. That pissed me off.

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Then he has this BMI chart that shows what is considered underweight, normal, and overweight. I would have to weigh 100 lbs to be “underweight” which to me I know is underweight, but I would consider myself underweight if I weighed 110 lbs. I think anything below 115 lbs for me is not a healthy thing. So the chart was off and a student even said to the teacher that the chart does not consider one’s body type and physique. He admitted it was true, so he gets points for that.

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Then the percentage of suicide rates from anorexia seemed off. I can’t fully blame him, but anorexia is one of the deadliest psychological disorders because suicide is a issue. If you’ve read my blog you know I’ve had suicidal thoughts, and have come close to attempts. Anorexia is a huge component as to why I would want to end it all, it’s because I perceive myself as not pretty enough or skinny enough or good enough. The death records say suicide is cause of death, and they don’t say that anorexia is, so that is why the numbers are off, which he should have made aware. But he didn’t. I just feel like he didn’t completely get eating disorders.

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He also talked about anorexics and the fact that it’s not that they don’t still want to eat, it’s that they refuse. He didn’t make aware that hunger cues go away after an amount of time. Like I was telling Cody after class that I couldn’t feel whether I was hungry or not and wasn’t sure if I should eat, which I should. My teacher made it sound like anorexics still feel hunger, when in reality once you’ve had the disorder and restricted for a certain amount of time, your hunger cues are lost. That is why I could go two days without realizing I was hungry- because I didn’t feel it at all. I can still go a whole day forgetting to eat just because I honestly don’t feel the hunger cues. Half the time someone has to remind me. Only recently has my stomach begun to growl again on occasion, which I see as an improvement. I can’t tell you how many months it’s been since I’ve heard my stomach growl. Cody’s growls all the time, hence why we go eat. So my teacher messed that up too.

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Then talking about bulimia and binge eating disorders, he was alright with. Still messed some things up, but not as bad as the way he made the class perceive anorexia. I literally ranted to Cody for at least 20 minutes because I was so angry. I hated that be taught the class incorrectly on some key facts to each disorder.

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But yeah… It was annoying.It was also a very triggering class. I am having tea right now and I have a chocolate croissant…and I am finding it extremely difficult to even try to take a bite of it.

XOXO Anna

 

Been Busy

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School has taken up all my time with commuting into the city. I get home between 6-7 and I am dead tired when I get home. I barely have the energy to watch a TV show with Cody.

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But, I am LOVING my police class! I’ve read ahead, because I’m a nerd like that. I also talked to my parents about the pressure and my dad said there’s no pressure with school. He just wants me to find my passion and enjoy the experience. My mom also got on board. It’s just for the past couple months my mom has been pushing me to graduate within a certain time. She finally agreed with my dad and now some pressure feels like it’s been lifted. I still feel lost because I don’t know exactly which path I want to take.

XOXO Anna

Crazy Couple of Days

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On Monday my dad was in the hospital. His heart stopped during a stress test and he needs a pacemaker which was the best outcome after all the tests. I’m just glad my dad’s okay and will be getting the pacemaker in the next week. In my treatment center, my therapist is leaving. That was rough, and on monday in treatment when we went for a walk, I saw a car like Owens in the parking lot so that was not fun.

Yesterday was pretty chill but a bit stressful still. Cody got drunk at the bar we go to and I was tipsy myself and I ended up driving us back to his house. We fell asleep but he was feeling sick and puked a little. I felt so bad for him, and he said he hasn’t been drunk in a long time.

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Today has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. Morning started off with my family talking to me about something, but the misunderstanding was quickly settled. I then met up with Cody at the coffee shop we go to, and well…things were not the best. We were talking about things and my past came up with Andy and that made things tense a bit. Cody was very jealous. I had a conversation I had with Andy screen shotted in my photos and Cody found it and was reading it and I had to explain the context and everything. Then we talked about ex’s and other past things and I told Cody that I wasn’t going to be the type of person to forget a name of someone I’ve done something with and he was like what do you mean, and I said I keep track. I said I had a list on my phone, and I swear he has never grabbed my phone so quickly.

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My list is kinda long but not… like the list isn’t just people I’ve had sex with. The list contains people I’ve simply kissed or made out with. Cody looked and scrolled through the list and looked back at me with a face that said, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

I am not proud of my past and his expression just kinda made me feel very slutty. I am by no means a slut. Most people I know have slept with double the amount I’ve slept with and had triple the amount of hook ups. So I am not a slut. I am very particular about who I sleep with or do things with.

Cody and I smoothed things over but still, I was sad that Cody got so upset by my past. Wasn’t a good feeling. But again, we are good.

I then went to NYC to do the application process, and I sat down, showed my transcripts and high school diploma and she went to make copies and came back and my mom asked how long it would take to know if I got in and she replied with, “Oh, you’re already in. You have the grades. You just have to fill out the application and send me a confirmation that you’ve paid the fee and in three weeks you will be meeting with your advisor to sign up for classes.”

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I am so fucking happy about that! I got in! I am going to NYC! Super fucking psyched!

I get home and my sister is in the kitchen and we actually talk. She claims I don’t love her. That is totally false. I would take a bullet for her. My dad said that as a family we would all talk about it. But tonight we are going to be going out to celebrate the fact that I got into the school I wanted to go to!

Hope everyone out there is having a good day!

XOXO Anna