Support for Partners of Porn Addicts

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Hey, so I am posting because I made a forum specifically for Partners of Porn Addicts. Porn addiction is not something talk about often, but it is a growing problem, and the addicts problem affects those closest to them. It has been a very difficult journey to heal without the proper resources. I haven’t been able to find much (free) support for partners of porn addicts. This is why I made the forum. It’s a place for partners of porn addicts to feel safe to process the trauma they are going through. The forum is geared towards partners and their individual recovery process.

There’s an information section for guidlelines of the forum, a partners section (that is protected), a section for resources we’ve found to be helpful, a “Show your Partner” section for things that would be helpful for us to show our partners throughout recovery, and an off topic section so people can talk about anything they find interesting. The partners section is closed, and only people who sign up for the forum can see it, so that way people can feel safe to post things without fear of judgement.

I love Reboot Nation, and it’s a great forum, but some there were times that some addicts came on our side of the forum and caused trouble. Since then, some people have felt uncomfortable at times posting certain things in fear of judgement.

I personally believe that we partners do need a space for us. The porn addicts have more resources than us for help. We have a section within a porn addict recovery forum, where addicts can read and post in our section.

I signed up with the same username so there wouldn’t be confusion.

So if you have (or had) a significant other, husband, or partner, who is struggling with porn addiction and it is having a negative effect on you, this is a place where you can go to talk about your experience and your journey of healing.

http://partnersofpas.boards.net

XOXO Anna

“Nice Titties”

I need to blog about this right now if I’m going to make it home on the train ride without crying. 
For those who read my blog, you know I have been sexually assaulted and raped twice. I have PTSD but have been treated for it with EMDR and I have been doing really well. 

After I got out of my Cognitive Psych class, which I got an A on the exam, I was walking down the stairs and when I got to the bottom a guy said “hey” to me, I nodded and kept walking unsure of why he tried talking to me. He said, “stop” so I stopped, and looked at him and then to his friends who had smiles on their face. 

I asked if they were doing a psychology experiment because of the strange behavior they displayed. He said no, and that he stopped me because he thought I was very attractive.  I said thank you and was going to keep walking but he kept talking. He kept saying how attractive I was and if my eyes were real or colored contacts. I said real. He then proceeded with saying, “don’t slap me when I say this.” I said ,”okay” and he said “you’re very attractive, your eyes and hair, and I noticed you because of your blouse and well, you have nice titties.” He also asked for my snapchat and I told him I was in a serious relationship and he gave me his name and said if he saw me again he would stop me and talk to me.

I feel completely objectified and gross after that. I wear the outfit I’m wearing today (jeans, low cut tank top and a jacket) every week. It’s nothing new or flashy, just my every day casual clothes. I am so jumpy and scared and just stupid PTSD reaction… I just want to be home with Cody so he can hug me and I can feel safe. 

I know most girls like getting hit on, but I don’t at least not like that. That was very vulgar and gross. It made me feel so uncomfortable. Especially given my history. 

Is this normal behavior for a guy? I’ve been hit on but never like that…

XOXO Anna 

Cody Truly is a Unicorn

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In all my sexual experiences, no guy has ever put my needs first or has there been a time where we had sex and it was all about my pleasure instead of his. In my experiences it’s been all about the guy. I would be lucky if I came or even enjoyed the experience.

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Last night Cody and I had sex but it was all about me. Cody did whatever he could to pleasure me. He practically made me come internally while he was on top, which was new. After I said I couldn’t take anymore, he said, “Okay, wanna go to the shower to clean off?” I was shocked and said, “But you didn’t even get off.” He said, “I know, this time it was all about you. I wanted to pleasure you.”

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Cody has done that for me once before and I guess I had the same reaction I had this time. I was in shock. I am sorry, but in my experiences with guys, they don’t seem to care or consider the fact that the girl may not be enjoying it or may not have climaxed. Usually the experience is the guy taking lead until he gets off. It didn’t really matter if I enjoyed something or not. With Cody every time we’ve had sex it hasn’t been about just him. It’s been about us. Of course there are times where I just want to pleasure him, and I guess there are times where he just wants to pleasure me. I just am not used to that.

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I honestly felt like I didn’t deserve it, and maybe that has something to do with my trauma’s but I don’t know. I just couldn’t comprehend why he was doing that. Like, to me, it felt like that had to be a huge sacrifice because in my experience it was always annoying if I asked a guy for what I wanted…and Cody just gave me amazing sex and wanted it to be all about my pleasure. It really was unexpected. He said it wasn’t a sacrifice at all, but something he wanted to do. I kept asking about if he wanted to continue so he could get off but he said no. I couldn’t comprehend that. I just kinda tried not to cry afterwards but I kinda did. I was just so shocked in a good way. It was honestly one of the nicest things Cody could have done for me. He said it was one part of him trying to make it up to me that be betrayed my trust. He apparently is coming up with some surprise for me. That’s sweet though. I just can’t wait for saturday! I am so excited yet so nervous. Cody feels like he doesn’t deserve everything I am going to do for him on saturday.

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My dad made me realize two nights ago that I made Cody feel like I was going to leave. When Cody did go on that porn site on Christmas eve, I was really hurt and I said that I wasn’t sure if I could handle it and that if he did it again I might want to leave but I wouldn’t have the strength. So Saturday is my way of showing Cody that I am here no matter what. I am not going anywhere. I will stay with him through it all.

XOXO Anna

Sick, Talking, and Sex

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Last night after I posted I got sick; I didn’t throw up but I had an upset stomach and felt nauseous. It sucked and I didn’t let Cody know. He was gaming and I dealt with it for three hours. Cody went to check on me and found me holding a trash can. He wished I had told him. I didn’t want him to worry. But he made me tea and got me water and stayed with me for a bit before going back to gaming. That kind of created some tension though for me.

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I wanted for him to not go back to gaming after he found out I wasn’t feeling well, but he said, “why can’t I do both?” I get it, he can game and care about me at the same time, but I just wished he would have stayed with me, but I didn’t tell him that, so I don’t blame him for not knowing.

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Before he left though I told him I was only going to be mad at him if he didn’t read the post The Story With Peter later that night. I told him I was waiting all night for that. He obviously wasn’t going to read it that night by his reaction. I told him he could go game but that I was expecting that he would read it later. He said that he said he didn’t want to read it because he didn’t want his mood to change, and I said I thought he meant earlier. I told him I was giving him the night to do gaming and whatever before he read it. In the end I felt disappointed and told him not to read it and to go game.

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He left looking pathetic and probably feeling bad. He did check on me after five minutes to make sure I was okay and I said I was starting to feel better. He left and I was about to write a post when he game in and sat on the bed. He looked really emotional and I was confused by that. He told me he read the post and was extremely angry. I wasn’t sure if I believed him so he told me some things I wrote and I new he didn’t skim but actually read it. We ended up talking about it, and honestly it brought up a lot. I was so happy that he didn’t blame me. In fact, he said what some others said when it first happened and I told people. He and others said that Peter sounded like a predator. It was just interesting how Cody used that word because others had too. It felt good that Cody didn’t blame me, believed me, and was angry about it.

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I did feel ashamed though. For the longest time Peter felt like a dirty little secret. Now it’s out for everyone to know or read. I am not sure how I feel about it completely. Part of me is happy that I feel like I’m not carrying that around like it is something to hide…and part of me feels very vulnerable because I shared that experience. I do feel embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed because of what Peter did to me. I don’t like feeling those emotions, but that’s the emotions that come up when I talk about Peter.

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This morning before Cody had to go to work we had sex, but I got slightly triggered so we stopped. I felt like crap because I got triggered again. It sucked. Cody told me that nothing changed when I asked if he looked at me differently. He still loves me and all that. I was just scared that if Cody knew all that then things might change or maybe he wouldn’t be able to look at me the same or that he would leave. Cody thought I was being ridiculous with thinking that but understood.

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I’m feeling better this morning though, besides still feeling a bit sick. Even though I was triggered, Cody and I talked. I went to grab breakfast and I am quite relaxed now. Hoping the rest of the day goes well! I’ll be grabbing lunch with Cody, and I should go grocery shopping… but probably won’t. Then tonight Cody and I will go out to dinner and come home for netflix and cuddling…so it probably will be a good day.

XOXO Anna

Unexpected

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I got a letter from RCC (Rape Crisis Center) today. It brought up some stuff. Cody and I had amazing sex, but eventually I got somewhat triggered and we had to stop. I felt bad, but I did say that I needed to stop. I wish we could have continued, but I knew I did the right thing by telling him that I needed to stop. I love that he respects that. I feel like most guys would get pissed or frustrated with me and my stupid PTSD. I still am in awe of Cody’s understanding and patience.

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Cody said he would read my post The Story With Peter later. I asked him if he was going to read it and he said he didn’t want to be in a bad or angry mood for the night. He said he would read it though. I don’t know when though. But yeah. I don’t know how to feel about that. Part of me understands and then part of me is like, “well what do you think I feel like?” but I don’t know. I just want to be able to talk to him about stuff like that without it being hard or I don’t know…

XOXO Anna

The Story with Peter

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I never really have talked about Peter on here. I’ve mentioned him sometimes, but never really talked about what happened to me. He is why my life took an unimaginable turn. I never thought that anything bad could really happen to me, not like sexual assault. When I went off to college I was optimistic and hopeful. I thought I would maybe finally get a boyfriend and enjoy my classes. I never imagined that the happy, innocent, good girl I was would be taken away from me. I will never be able to get that girl back, and that’s okay. I’ve improved over the past three years. I’ve also changed in many ways that I have wanted to.

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I’ve written about Monster and Owen, but not about Peter. I think it’s because I have the most shame and guilt surrounding him. I have tried to tell Cody about what Peter did and what happened, but Cody stops me before I get five minutes into it because he can’t hear it. It hurts him too much to think that Peter assaulted me from midnight until eight in the morning. I have wanted to talk about Peter and what happened for a while now, but never had the courage. I don’t blame Cody for not being able to hear my story, but I would still like to tell it, and this is the only way I know how.

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So warning, this could be triggering. If you’re not comfortable hearing this, then stop reading. If you’re okay with reading about this, then continue.

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February 26th, 2013

That day I went to Intro to Dramatic Writing. I talked to Peter about the movies that were on his computer and how I hadn’t seen any of them. He said I could come over to his place that night to watch them. He also said there would probably be weed and alcohol. I thanked him for the warning and said it would be fine.

I went back to the dorms and asked Ethan if I could go. It was our one month anniversary, and I really hoped that he would say no and want to spend time with me. He had work to do though, like always, and said that I could go as long as Peter knew I had a boyfriend. I texted Peter and told him, and he said, no problem because he had a girlfriend.

Peter was an hour late. I had been hanging out in Ethan’s room until Peter got there. I remember Ethan thinking it was douchey of him to be late. I remember my stomach growling as I walked to Peter’s car. I hadn’t really eaten that day. When I get to the car there’s another guy in there. It’s Peter’s roommate. I sit in the back seat in the middle. I remember not knowing where we were driving because it was dark and I didn’t know the town well.

We got to Peter’s apartment. He set up the movie on the TV and his roommate gets the weed ready to smoke. His roommate takes a hit, and passes it to Peter. Peter takes a hit and passes it to me. I didn’t know what to do, so Peter instructed me. I didn’t get much of the hit I tried. Peter lit the lighter the second time, and he told me to inhale, inhale, hold, hold, hold…and breathe. I got a real big hit off that. I was never one to relax. I didn’t really feel the affects during the first movie we watched which was Rise of the Guardians. Near the end Peter helped me take another hit. I was feeling the affects near the end of the movie. A friend of theirs came over at the end of that movie. I can’t remember his name, but if I saw him I would recognize him. They put on The Hobbit. I was so high I couldn’t really pay attention to the movie. Alcohol was mentioned, and they were out. I got excited about that. I wanted some alcohol, I wanted to feel cool. Peter started getting ready to go out. I sat there, and Peter asked, “Well aren’t you going to put on your boots?” I put them on and we headed to the car.

We stopped for gas at Parkers gas station on MLK. We then went to Parker’s Market on Drayton to get the alcohol. We stopped. We passed a police officer I remember, because I knew we were high and it was illegal, and that made me nervous as we walked in the store. We browsed, and Peter was looking around at the beer and asked what I liked. I told him I hadn’t drank anything except for Budlight at a senior high school party. Peter got Miller’s lite for me, and I can’t remember what he got for himself, but it was stronger. I mentioned I was hungry and Peter said I could grab something if I wanted. I grabbed Nacho Dorito’s. Peter paid, and I carried the bag to the car.

I opened the Dorito’s and Peter took some and we drove back to his place. The friend was gone, The Hobbit still playing, and the roommate saying he was going to bed because he had an 8 AM. I also had an 8 AM and it was midnight. I knew I wasn’t going to be going to that class. So we put on Hotel Transylvania and I tried Peter’s beer and decided to go with the Miller Lite. Maybe we took another hit, I can’t remember. But I finished one beer and so did Peter. He got up for another, I asked for another. I was sitting on a couch and didn’t know I was already drunk. I drank the second and so did Peter. He got another, and we split it.

Some how relationships were mentioned. I told Peter that Ethan was my first relationship and I had no idea what I was doing or if I was doing anything right. Peter asked me further about it and I told him Ethan never wanted to do anything and Peter couldn’t believe that. He told me I was pretty, and cute, and sexy. I had never been told that by a guy and couldn’t believe an older cuter guy was saying that about me. Ethan said I was pretty but sexy? No. I told Peter I was clueless and I started feeling spinny and I couldn’t really comprehend what Peter was telling me. Like part of me knew what he was saying but I wasn’t in the mind set to interpret what he was saying. He was telling me that I should bite Ethan’s lip when we kiss, and I didn’t really get that. Peter demonstrated on me. I was shocked but I was like okay…

Peter then told me to do it to him. I was shy and said I couldn’t. Peter said I could, and put his hand on my face and kissed me, and so I bite his lip and Peter said, “Good, you got it.”

We continued talking. I told him I didn’t really feel anything with Ethan when I was on top making out. Peter said it was because I was a Sub. He said he was a Dom. I didn’t understand those terms back then. He said I was submissive and that was why I wasn’t getting anything out of making out with Ethan. Peter got on me and kissed me. I felt something. Peter said, “yeah you’re a submissive.” Peter said something about choking and I didn’t get it so he put his hand out to demonstrate and I remember squirming, but Peter said, “Stay still I am not going to hurt you.” He put his hand around my neck and gently tightened a bit. I kind of liked that. So Peter got on me again, and kissed me and “choked” me. He then bit my ear. That was interesting…

I knew this all was not supposed to be happening. I couldn’t believe this older guy thought I was cute. He even told me, “If you were my girlfriend I would make time for you.” Peter was over me and pinned me down, and I liked that and he was saying I was definitely a submissive. He continued demonstrating. He said I was wet when he felt my body up and down. I got nervous and felt embarrassed about that I remember. Peter said it was good, it meant I was enjoying myself or something like that. Peter then asked, “Has anyone ever gone down on you?” I replied, “No” shyly. He unzipped my shorts and said “is this okay?” and I shrugged nervously and pulled them off. He came back up and was kissing me while feeling me down there. He was getting hard. He slipped his finger in my underwear and fingered me. It kinda hurt at first but then felt good. He then went down on me. I had never felt anything like that. It was strange, I was nervous and scared. I remember he looked up at me while doing it. “I want to try some things to see if you like them,” he said and he did a lot of things down there. I won’t go into detail because I personally don’t want to recount that. He put my underwear back on. We continued watching the movie. I asked to be pinned down again to see if I did really actually like it. He did. He said he could “pin me against a wall to see if I liked that” and I said “I don’t know.” He continued making out with me and he then put on Brave when Hotel Transylvania ended. Eventually I was pinned against the wall. I felt like I was on a storming ship, everything was spinning even though I couldn’t move my arms or legs because Peter’s arms and body held me tight against the wall. I was so out of it. I remember wondering if I was going to puke.

We eventually went back to the couch, and I was falling asleep or so out of it I don’t really remember anything. Peter was hard, and he was like, “You’re doing that to me.” I couldn’t believe that. He felt my underwear again and was like, “You’re so wet.” He liked that. Then more stuff happened, like making out. He showed me different positions, and I only remember that because I remember being upside down at one point but I barely remember that. He asked if I had ever seen a penis before. I hadn’t. He pulled his out and was stroking it. He asked if I had ever given a hand job and I said no. He said it was easy and I was like I don’t know. He grabbed my hand and put it on his penis and put his hand over mine, guiding it. He eventually took his hand away and I stopped and was going to pull my hand away but he said to continue. I did for a second and stopped. He asked if I’d ever given a blow job, and I said no. He asked if I wanted to, and I said no. He said, “Okay, but if you ever want lessons, just call me and I’ll show you everything you need to know.”

Eventually we went to his room. I laid in his bed. He started kissing me again. I remember him having his shirt off and having a tattoo of a tiger head on the back of his right shoulder. He went down on me again in the bed room. He took my shirt off. Kissed my neck and chest. He said, “I want to see something,” and he pulled my bra down and sucked my nipple, and said, “Yeah yours are sensitive too.” I remember feeling very violated after that. He continued doing stuff. Eventually we passed out at 8 AM. I didn’t wake up until like 4 PM.

I told Ethan that stuff happened with Peter when I saw him later that evening. Ethan thought I cheated. I thought I cheated. At the time I didn’t know what sexual assault or rape was. Only when I told a friend what happened did he tell me I was sexually assaulted. That was hard to hear. Peter forever changed my life. I was always the good girl. I was into relationships, not smoking, not drinking, not partying. After Peter I felt tainted, like trash, I felt disgusted and ashamed with myself. It took me months to understand that I didn’t want Peter to do that even thought it felt physically pleasuring. I was so confused by that. I felt guilty. Ethan and I eventually broke up.

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The reason I was so hesitant to share this was because I’ve already gotten so many opinions and comments from people about what I’ve gone through. I’ve gotten blamed, and had people say not so great things about me. But I am sharing this because I believe what happened to me was wrong. Peter was older and knew what he was doing. I even remember having one of the doctors at the school health clinic warn me that older guys loved to take advantage of the freshman girls. I remember thinking that it couldn’t happen to me. But it did. It changed my life forever.

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I started drinking, and partying and hooking up thinking I wasn’t worth anything but sex. I wasn’t anything but an object. I still think of myself like that sometimes, but it’s not as often. It will be three years since Peter assaulted me this February 26th. I’ve come so far since that incident. I never thought I would be going to a Criminal Justice school. I never thought I would be in a healthy relationship. I never thought anyone could love me. I didn’t think I was ever going to be okay. But three years later and I’m doing much better. Yes I was raped by Monster and raped by Owen, but I am doing alright given all that I’ve been through.

XOXO Anna

Date Night!

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Last night was awesome at the theatre! They had reclining leather chairs, and they were in sets of two’s so when both chairs were reclined it was really easy to cuddle. Dinner before wasn’t that good though. I am not a fan of buffalo wild wings, but Cody loves it. Also there were some triggers on the way there, so I was definitely off until we got to the theatre. But let me tell you, watching a movie like that was amazing. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go to a normal theatre again and enjoy it as much.

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School starts next week and I am extremely excited! I can’t wait to see what my police class is like. I started reading the textbook too because I’m just that much of a nerd. I am just so ready to get back into school.

XOXO Anna

Blackout Drunk

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I got blackout drunk last night and I am very upset at myself. I felt invisible with Cody and his friend and let them have their night, but Owen stuff was coming up for me since I was raped last year on the 18th.Cody filled me in this morning on what happened last night. Once his friend went home he came to check on me and I started breaking down crying. I also after that apparently wanted sex. He of course didn’t have sex with me. I remember that. I also told him to leave me. The truth is I have been trying to push him away, since last week. I have been doing that because I felt like pushing him away during my trauma stuff would be better, that way he didn’t have to deal with it. But as Cody has told me a million times, he wants to help me and be there for me.

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I apologized for getting drunk, and for trying to push him away. He said he understood and wasn’t mad at me. He said he just wanted to help. Jeez, he is seriously so good. I honestly don’t understand how he can love me so much…through it all. It’s pretty amazing though. I feel extremely lucky to be with him.

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Tonight is date night. We are going to this movie theatre where you can bring your own alcohol. I am not drinking, but he will be. You can even have ice cream at this theatre. And they have reclining chairs. It’s going to be a fun night.

XOXO Anna

What do I do?

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It’s officially one year since Owen raped me.

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I’m drunk, I’m crying. I’m not coping at all. I don’t know what to do to get through this. I am sorry but I am stressing majorly. I don’t want to remember it. I don’t  want to remember him at all… I know drinking doesn’t solve shit but I don’t know what to do.

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I am feeling like crap. I hate that I got raped. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!

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I don’t know how I could be so stupid as to trusting a guy 10 years older than me… I hate it. I hate the memory. I hate him. I hate it all… How could I be so stupid?

XOXO Anna

Mind Blowing Sex and Separation Anxiety

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Last night Cody and I hung out with some of his friends and then we came back home and had the most amazing sex. Cody has told me many times through out our relationship that I am sometimes too much for him to handle sexually because he is so pleasured. I always thought he was just being nice because I didn’t really get the idea of being pleasured so much that you actually couldn’t take it…that was until last night. I now understand why he says that.

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I was so happy to not have any PTSD thing come up last night. We had the best time and I honestly thought sex with Cody couldn’t get better but it just keeps getting better. It’s been seven months of having amazing sex, having an amazingly supportive partner, and finally realizing what a healthy relationship is.

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I can tell you that before Cody I did not have a healthy sex life at all with any of the past guys. I didn’t realize that I had it so bad until I met Cody. I never really realized how much guys manipulated or guilted me into doing things for them. I just thought, “Well, that’s how guys are, and that’s how it is.” But Cody never pressures me and he always says I can say no. He respects when I say no, and he listens if I say I want to have sex but to take it slowly because I don’t want to get triggered.

Cody works for my parents, and they had an Atlanta show last week, and this week they have their Dallas show, and next week they have their New York show. I didn’t realize they had the Dallas show this week. I’ve always had separation anxiety from my parents when they are traveling. I was really shocked to find out that my mom wasn’t coming home last night, and that my dad was leaving this morning for Dallas. I mean, it’s nice that Cody and I have the house to ourselves, but I miss my parents when they’re gone.

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I called my mom this morning after my dad left because I could feel myself starting to panic and she talked me down. I told her all about how my PTSD had been acting up and how having them gone was hard. It helped though to talk to her. I know I have my issues with my mom, but one thing she is good at is getting me to calm down. It also helped that Cody went out to breakfast with me. I am having a pretty good start to the week, excluding the anxiety. 

Hope everyone else is having a good monday!

XOXO Anna

Dying Hair and One Year

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Serena came over and dyed my hair for me. The color looks really nice! I absolutely love my new dark brown hair. We then went to her house and I got some of her clothes that she didn’t fit in anymore. She did my makeup and I did her hair and we went out to a bar to meet some of her friends. Cody was meeting us there. Before he got there some guys were trying to talk and dance with me and that made me uncomfortable. I didn’t think the bar we were going to would be as packed as it was last night, and it was nerve wracking.

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I didn’t really want to be there once I realized how packed it was. I mean, though I got raped on the 18th, it happened on a saturday night to sunday morning. I was already hoping not to be triggered but being at a bar that had a club environment in the back room was anxiety provoking. I had a drink before Cody got there but once Cody got there and I stuck to him like glue. We got a drink and we danced and went home. I knew I was drunk but I wanted to have sex and I hid the fact that I was drunk from Cody. We had sex, and I got very triggered after it. I had a flashback right after sex and it was very intense. It took Cody a while to get me to calm down. To me it felt like hours, but it probably was just third minutes. I was terrified though during my flashback. Cody did an amazing job to keep me as grounded as possible.

Cody’s making french toast right now. We are doing brunch in this weekend because we are trying to save money. I hope everyone else is having a great weekend!

XOXO Anna

Best Way To Wake Up

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This morning Cody got up at a decent time. I didn’t even have to nag him to get up. He comes back upstairs after he ate breakfast and we have a really nice talk. It started with me asking if he was really sure about me. He said yes. Then we just started talking about things that we liked about each other and how happy we made each other. Plus the kissing in between was nice. And we were playful too, and I love that about us.

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Really what got me thinking about this stuff was seeing Serena yesterday. She told me she was scrolling through Facebook and she said she commented on a picture of us to her boyfriend and said, “I bet they’re going to get married.”

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When she said that, I was like, “well…Cody did say he wanted to get me a ring when he can afford one, which would be at least six months minimum.” She was happy to hear that and told me that she wanted to be a bridesmaid. I told her of course she was going to be one. Hell it was her and one of Cody’s friends that introduced us. Without them we would have never met. But Serena was like, “The engagement better be long.” I told her if we got engaged within the next year we wouldn’t get married until we graduate college, so that’s three years from now, and she was happy with that answer.

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She realized that she wants to finally breakup with her boyfriend. There have been so many times where she will be like, “I want to break up with him” and then she never does it, but she is doing it this time. She finally realized she deserves better. Hell her boyfriend is an ass. He manipulates her into sex. She was working two jobs and had finals a couple weeks ago and she was exhausted and stressed so much that she was puking one morning at 4 AM and then the next morning her boyfriend asks her to have sex. She told him she was sick, and he said, “Oh you should go get some alkaseltzer.” He didn’t offer to get it for her and he pressured her for sex. She told me she has only had sex with him because he nags her for it. I honestly told her a while ago I wasn’t a fan of him and it was wrong of him to be constantly asking for sex when she said she doesn’t want to. I am just happy that she finally got to the place where she was ready to accept that they aren’t good for each other even if she loves him.

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But this morning was nice. I talked to Cody about the future and future possible things that could come up that could cause tension and I wanted to make sure he was thinking seriously and not totally romantically when he says he wants to be with me forever. He told me in response, “Anna, we’ve already been through a hard time.”

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He was referring to my sister and that situation. It’s true though. Cody and I have been through a really hard time, and during the beginning half of our relationship. We made it through that pretty damn well I would say. But it’s true, he has been there during my PTSD and anorexia. He was there when my family was falling a part. We’ve already been through a lot and we’ve managed to stay strong. I am confident in us.

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The one thing that I told Cody was that I am uncomfortable being comfortable. I am more comfortable when I am in pain or just in discomfort. Like, if I’m in discomfort something already isn’t going right so maybe somehow that would mean that something else can’t go wrong. I know irrational, but I guess it was the way I coped growing up. Trying to control the uncontrolable. I am not used to being happy and comfortable and for once in my life I have been since I’ve met Cody. I told him I’m still not used to it. He said I would eventually get used to it. It’s just very strange for me to have things going right. With Cody in my life, things have been going right. The only thing that I worry about sometimes is losing what I have with Cody. I truly can’t imagine my life without him. I can’t imagine us breaking up. Just thinking about it hurts. But I have met the guy of my dreams. Seriously, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be with Cody.

XOXO Anna

 

 

It’s the Dark

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Cody and I didn’t end up having sex yesterday. But this morning we did have sex and I wasn’t triggered. I think I was triggered also because it was dark. I couldn’t tell who I was with. But this morning I could. It was simple. I feel better knowing what was triggering me. I also feel better knowing that I am not broken. Cody couldn’t believe I thought that when I told him this morning before he went to work. But I sometimes do fear that I am sexually broken at times if I am triggered a lot. Having it happen two times in a row scared me. It made me really nervous to have sex again. It’s the strangest feeling to want to have sex with Cody but at the same time be scared of sex, or not sex, but getting triggered during sex. But at least I know what triggered me so now I can be more careful.

XOXO Anna

Dissociating

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I was fine earlier today. Hell I wrote my book all day then napped. Cody got home and we made out and wanted to have sex but we had to go out to dinner for his dads birthday. Then at dinner I started dissociating. I don’t know why. I can’t even remember half of the conversation that went on at the table. I wasn’t really there.

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Cody still wants to have sex, I want to want to have sex. I mean, if my mood changes and I’m not dissociating when Cody gets home then I would love to. Cody went to his house to duel with his brother. I am not sure what to do right now. I could try sleeping, or get in a shower… but I just don’t know. I hate being dissociated because I feel disconnected from myself and everyone around me. I am really getting sick of my PTSD acting up. I am really starting to feel like a major failure. I just pray that by the time Cody gets home I’m not dissociating. He really wants to have sex and I don’t want to let him down. I know he would say if I am not okay then we won’t do it, but I feel bad. I feel so sad that I’m getting triggered and dissociating and just being a PTSD mess.

XOXO Anna

More PTSD

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Last night, again, I got triggered during sex. I am getting really upset now. Two times in a row? I feel so bad… like I know Cody is understanding and says it’s not my fault and I shouldn’t feel bad about being triggered, but I do. I feel like a failure. Maybe it’s because January 18th marks one year since Owen? Or because we just got back from Savannah? I have no idea, but I am triggered. I hate it so much. Getting triggered during sex feels terrifying and like I haven’t gotten past it. It is confusing and annoying and I hate it.

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I don’t get why it keeps happening. Plus I keep having nightmares about being captured, raped, or that Cody is cheating or leaving me… I hate it. I don’t get why my PTSD symptoms are coming up…unless it’s the anniversary which would make sense. I am going to keep writing and stay busy until school starts, which one of my books should be arriving in the mail today!

XOXO Anna

Damn Anorexia and PTSD

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Yesterday was an anorexic day. By that I mean that I was constantly plagued with thoughts of my body and comparing it and not wanting to eat. Then to finish the night off when Cody and I were having sex, I was on top and suddenly I was in a flashback. Cody got me grounded within 30 seconds of me starting to freak out, but it was scary. I haven’t had a flashback like that in ages! I mean, last nights sex, I could tell I was a bit dissociated, but then suddenly I felt like I wasn’t with Cody and I was with Owen or Monster or something. I got really scared until Cody got me to realize I was with him.

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Today has been better though. I haven’t had too much anorexic thoughts annoying me, and PTSD wise I haven’t had anything come up. Plus I am focusing on my writing right now and that keeps me pretty grounded and happy.

XOXO Anna

It’s been rough

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Monster’s anniversary was really rough last week. Last monday I will admit I was suicidal. I was actually going to do something but Cody walked into my bedroom and saw me crying. I told him everything and he has been amazing this past week. Things with my sister still aren’t good. I figure my depression is from things being so strained with my sister and some PTSD stuff with Monster.

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I reached out to a friend tonight and talked to her and told her everything that’s been going on with me and it helped a lot. It was really nice to talk to someone who understands and who made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

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Tonight I am at Cody’s house with him and his brother. His brothers friend and boyfriend are joining too, and they are all going to play Fallout 4. Apparently it’s some big game that gamers have been waiting for. It is released at midnight. I don’t game, so I’ll be blogging or watching netflix or writing or reading. But it’s nice. Everyone is here, and honestly being around everyone now just makes me feel better. This is the kind of hangouts I like, where its chill, at someone’s house, everyone is just hanging out, and having fun.

XOXO Anna

Stress, PTSD, Adoption

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Yesterday I had my job interview, I personally have no idea on how it went. But with my cynical personality I tend to think that maybe I won’t get the job….but who knows! Anyways, I talked to my sister yesterday and it sucked. It really made me depressed (and that was after me being sad about the job interview). I went home and finished watching some chick flick and had two glasses of prosecco. Cody came home as the movie was finishing. I was not happy. I thought he wouldn’t be home that soon so he caught me watching a chick flick and drinking.

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Chick flicks aren’t my thing, unless I’m sad and feeling romantic. I watch chick flicks when I feel like I have no real romantic future for myself, so why not lose myself in a stupid movie that makes it seem like people can get happy endings. As I stated before, I was having a very low day yesterday.

Cody ended up cheering me up. I was jealous that he went to hang with his brother. I mean, great for him, go do that. Hell, I wish I could do that with my sister. But my sister and I are still not on the best of terms I guess. I’m happy that Cody got to hang with his brother but it made me realize how much I miss hanging with my sister.

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At the moment I have Cody and Serena as my options for people to hang out with. Cody has all his friends. Like he is hanging with one of his friends tomorrow, and I’m happy that he is doing that but it makes me wish I had some friends around me to hang out with. Maybe I’ll text Ethan, or other people from GA and see if they are free to Skype around the time that Cody will be hanging with his friend. I just don’t think anyone will be free to Skype with me… but I’ll try.

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I guess since I hadn’t blogged in a while nor have I written in my journal, I didn’t realize how much Monster stuff, sister stuff, and school stuff was affecting me. I looked up classes for spring semester today and I am excited for the classes I want to take but it reminded me that I am not in school right now and it sucks. I love being in school. I know I may sound like a nerd but I love to learn.

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My sister being distant has been hard. I just wish we could make up and talk about everything and she would let me in and I could help. I want to go back to the days of us in the TV room, watching shows together while eating our smart food and drinking tea and coffee. It was our thing and we haven’t done that in ages. Now I just watch TV by myself, and sometimes I turn my head to make a comment but my sister isn’t there. It’s sad.

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Monster stuff has been coming up for a while without me realizing it until a couple days ago. But watching that chick flick yesterday just made me think of Monster, and watching the movie with the couple that got the happy ending of being together despite the struggles they had made me feel like I would never get the happily ever after. I know I may sound like a kid with a dream, but that’s okay. Everyone has dreams. My dream is to have a family and career. Peter, Monster, and Owen took that dream from me. Though even before them, when I was with Ethan, he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for a real commitment.

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Ethan saw this gif, and I said that was so mean, and he said “yeah, I am going to do that for someone someday, it will be funny.” Note how he said someone. I guess I never got the message from anyone that I was long term material. I know that most guys see me as short term because they see me as a hot fuck. Which sucks. But whatever.

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Before I met Cody, I envisioned my future as someone who had only their career and their pet. No husband or boyfriend, no real friends, and no kids. The best possible scenario I envisioned was me adopting and being a single mom. That was my happy ending that I saw after my trauma’s, and the single mom thing was if I was lucky. I know that when Cody heard me say that to him once he was sad that I thought of my future like that.

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Now I actually do see a real possibility for a normal future. The one I dreamt of. But at the same time, with Monster stuff coming up, it threatens that dream of mine. It makes me feel like even though Cody and I are good, and he loves me and sees a future with me, I somehow think it’s going to disappear or be taken away. I know it’s irrational, but I just can’t help it I guess. I don’t think that all the time, it’s only when I feel vulnerable or down or some other emotion that is accosted with something negative. That’s why yesterday was so hard on me. I felt the job interview didn’t go so well, so I felt like a failure or rejected which brings out my trauma feelings, hence why I started thinking that I don’t get to have the future I dreamed of.

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I am trying to figure out what I can do to make me feel better. I know being social could potentially make me feel better, but who the hell am I supposed to be social with?! I don’t want to hang with Serena again, I just hung out with her the other day. I just wish I had my guy friends around. I wanna hang with them. I want to feel like I actually do have friends and am not some loner loser. I know I am being quite harsh with my words towards myself. It’s just this is how I felt back in high school. I was a loner in high school. I had my small group of friends, but other than that I was a loner.

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Cody seems to have so many friends and right now I feel like I have none. It’s a bit hard. Especially because of the fact that right now Monster stuff is coming up, I know I am not supposed to isolate or hide. I am supposed to try to go out and have fun.

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But how am I supposed to have fun? Please tell me because for me, and my past, fun meant getting drunk and finding a guy to go home with to forget the fact that I went through the trauma’s. And right now, realizing that Monster stuff is coming up makes me want to avoid and hide. I want to pretend that all of it never happened to me.

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I definitely am starting to struggle with my PTSD again…yay me for being not strong enough or something. I know that in my PTSD book it says that when symptoms come up it doesn’t mean you’re a failure, but right now I feel so angry. Angry at myself and angry at Monster. I know Cody says that my PTSD and anorexia and other stuff isn’t who I am, but it is part of me. I know that he says I make him happy and he loves me, but the part of me that was violated by these guys doesn’t comprehend that still.

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People say experience is one of life’s best teachers. In my experience people eventually bail because of my PTSD. Cody says he isn’t going to bail. I’ve heard that before. I know he is different than the other people and I shouldn’t compare…but I am a bit scared. Hell, Eric was there for three years and then suddenly walks away as if I meant nothing to him. It seemed so easy for him to leave…after THREE FUCKING YEARS! Yeah, I’m angry. So much for best friends and being family, it obviously meant nothing. But see, it took Eric three years to leave me but he left. The others seem to come and go. They are there for me and then they will leave when things get tough, and somehow we come back together and the cycle repeats. There’s a reason I fear abandonment. I know my abandonment issues go way beyond these past couple years. It honestly, in my opinion, stems from my adoption. I am not sure if I’ve talked about my adoption on here yet, but I am now.

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I’ve talked with my parents multiple times about my adoption. I think that me feeling unlovable and unworthy and undeserving all stems from my adoption. In my mind, I honestly don’t know how a parent could give up their child. I am not judging those who have, that’s your choice. For me, I think back and imagine having my parents give me away. Maybe it was hard for them, maybe it wasn’t their choice, maybe other things were at play. But at the end of the day, my thoughts on my adoption are that I was unwanted. If my own biological parents didn’t want me then why the hell would anyone else want me? I know, I’m being a little cynical and depressing, but it’s how I feel at times. But I know that my real parents want me and love me. I know that some stupid people who are my biological parents shouldn’t define whether I am good enough, lovable, wanted, and so on. They truly are just meaningless. The only thing they were good for was creating me, so why should I put so much weight into them? Who cares if they gave me away? Maybe it’s not me who isn’t deserving but it’s them? Because even though I’ve gone through a lot, I think I am deserving of lots of things. I think I am deserving of love and respect. I think I am worthy…as long as I don’t think about my adoption and trauma’s that is. So I am a fucking work in progress, which I will always be.

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I guess I have to be okay with the fact that I am human and I am not perfect.

XOXO Anna

Lady Gaga’s Music Video

 I know that my mom told me to watch it and well, damn. It was triggering for me to watch but it was also important. I really do want to know what your thoughts on this are? I personally think it was brave and courageous for Lady Gaga to make a music video like this. It really does show the damage that is done.  Please comment with your thoughts 🙂

XOXO Anna

Panic

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I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I ended up drinking too much last night because I wanted to see if I could remember anything from that night with Monster.

There’s a lot going on right now with my sister missing/running away, school, and it being that time of year when I reported Monster.

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I know I have to keep it together. I know that, but at the same time I feel like I haven’t been. I feel like I’ve been letting everyone (mom, dad, Cody) down because I have been crying or I’ve been more likely to be triggered. I feel like a failure in truth. Maybe I am being too hard on myself, it’s one of the things I do best. But I am just seriously stressed.

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I know Cody loves seeing me happy, and I love being happy, and lately its been harder to be at the level of consistant happiness that I was before my sister ran away. There are days where I seem fine and then suddenly something happens and I cry, or my mood shifts and it sucks. Yesterday I was fine until Cody got home and I paused an episode of Criminal Minds and I got crazy nauseous. I think something in the episode triggered something relating to my sister and my childhood. That really unnerved me.

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Then I went out with Cody and his friends and I was at the bar and there was a bottle of Jack Daniels on the wall in front of me and all I could think was to try and remember something from the night Monster raped me. I just wanted to fill in the blanks. I want answers. I know I can’t have them, and I know Monster lied to me, but I want proof, and I figured if I could just remember then… I don’t know I would have some peace with it, or understand why Monster did it.

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I fucking hate PTSD. It’s a royal bitch, and I’ve written that so many times on here. I just hate whenever any PTSD symptom comes up because to me, I feel like I have failed if I am not 100% better or okay. I know how irrational that is, or maybe not irrational, but setting too high of standards. Even in the PTSD book I have that is like my bible for surviving, it says that setbacks are normal, especially around anniversary’s.

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But to me, because I have lost pretty much everyone throughout my recovery from my trauma’s, I feel like if my PTSD acts up it means I am at risk for losing another person. That creates a huge amount of anxiety for me. I have lost literally everyone except for my parents, Andy, and Quick Silver through my trauma’s. I now have Cody, but a part of me still fears that my PTSD or my stuff is too much since that is the message I’ve gotten from people.

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I hate that I feel like I am not being strong. I just don’t want others to not see me as strong through this stuff. I have gotten back into my old bad habit of saying “I’m sorry” way too much. I constantly am saying sorry and when I say I am sorry its out of fear. I always say sorry because I am scared and trying to avoid a negative consequence. Now not all my apologies are like that, but the times I say sorry when there is literally no god damn good reason for me to say I am sorry, it’s because I am scared.

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Everything is constantly changing, that I know. But I am not a fan of change. I like what I know and am familiar with. It takes time to get used to change. It takes time to accept new things. I explained to Cody that it is going to take time for me to be fully comfortable or understand or accept everything that he does that’s good because I am not used to it.

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Last night I apologized because I had to stop during sex, and I felt terrible because it was before either of us got off. For me, with the guys I’ve been with before Cody, the goal was always to get the guy off. Also last time I said stop or wait during sex was with Owen, who raped me. So when I said stop or wait last night and Cody listened and respected it, it was different. Nice. But still, because I am not used to it, it made me feel anxious. Cody said that wasn’t the goal of sex. He said it didn’t matter that we had to stop, what mattered was that I was okay.

That is very new for me. I’ve probably written all this on here at one point already, but I am still getting used to Cody and being treated with respect. I was used to it, or getting there, but again, with it being an anniversary thing I am more…one edge…which means I tend to revert back to old habits (such as apologizing too much).

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I am not sorry for all my PTSD symptoms, and I am not sorry for crying a lot because my sister ran away, but I feel bad because I know that people that care about me don’t like seeing me like that. So I am not sorry for being vulnerable and actually letting people know what’s going on, but I am sorry that it hurts those around me that care.

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I just want to get through the next couple weeks without being triggered too much, because then it will be October and I will be happy and not triggered because nothing bad happened in October. The beginning of September reminds me of reporting Monster. November 7th, well that’s the anniversary of the rape with Monster. So I am just a bit nervous. Dealing with Peter (classmate who sexually assaulted me) and the time of year isn’t an issue anymore. February 26th doesn’t seem to have much of an effect now that it’s been two and a half years. I am sure when January 18th comes up I’ll be on edge since it hasn’t even been a year since Owen raped me. But I’m getting way a head of myself, but then again I like to be prepared for possible triggers.

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But I am thankful for my mom and dad still being here and understanding that I get triggered. I am thankful that Quick Silver and Andy are still my friends and don’t get mad at me if I am having an off day. I am truly thankful and feel lucky to have found Cody because he seems to never give up on me, or get angry or upset at me when any of this stuff comes up. His reaction is perfect. He never makes me feel bad about breaking down or having something affect me. Because hell, if I could not let any of this stuff affect me I would do that in a heart beat! Cody never says a reproachful word to me about any of my PTSD stuff or just when I actually am crying even if it has to do with something else. I’ve never had anyone not get mad or upset or annoyed as a reaction to me crying, besides my sister. Cody makes me happy.

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Cody and I have our differences, like his interest in planes, cars, and engineering. Even though I know nothing about all that, I still love to sit and listen to him talk about it. Just seeing the excitement and feeling that energy is amazing to be around. With most people I would tune out or not care, but I actually listen to him and try to understand what he is saying. Having Cody in my life has taught me a lot and I’ve made a lot of progress. I am just thankful that Cody seems to really love and care about me and is willing to go through all this stuff with me without getting angry or feeling like it’s too much. That means the world to me that he wants to be there.

XOXO Anna