Blackout Drunk

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I got blackout drunk last night and I am very upset at myself. I felt invisible with Cody and his friend and let them have their night, but Owen stuff was coming up for me since I was raped last year on the 18th.Cody filled me in this morning on what happened last night. Once his friend went home he came to check on me and I started breaking down crying. I also after that apparently wanted sex. He of course didn’t have sex with me. I remember that. I also told him to leave me. The truth is I have been trying to push him away, since last week. I have been doing that because I felt like pushing him away during my trauma stuff would be better, that way he didn’t have to deal with it. But as Cody has told me a million times, he wants to help me and be there for me.

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I apologized for getting drunk, and for trying to push him away. He said he understood and wasn’t mad at me. He said he just wanted to help. Jeez, he is seriously so good. I honestly don’t understand how he can love me so much…through it all. It’s pretty amazing though. I feel extremely lucky to be with him.

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Tonight is date night. We are going to this movie theatre where you can bring your own alcohol. I am not drinking, but he will be. You can even have ice cream at this theatre. And they have reclining chairs. It’s going to be a fun night.

XOXO Anna

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What do I do?

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It’s officially one year since Owen raped me.

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I’m drunk, I’m crying. I’m not coping at all. I don’t know what to do to get through this. I am sorry but I am stressing majorly. I don’t want to remember it. I don’t  want to remember him at all… I know drinking doesn’t solve shit but I don’t know what to do.

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I am feeling like crap. I hate that I got raped. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!

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I don’t know how I could be so stupid as to trusting a guy 10 years older than me… I hate it. I hate the memory. I hate him. I hate it all… How could I be so stupid?

XOXO Anna

Mind Blowing Sex and Separation Anxiety

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Last night Cody and I hung out with some of his friends and then we came back home and had the most amazing sex. Cody has told me many times through out our relationship that I am sometimes too much for him to handle sexually because he is so pleasured. I always thought he was just being nice because I didn’t really get the idea of being pleasured so much that you actually couldn’t take it…that was until last night. I now understand why he says that.

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I was so happy to not have any PTSD thing come up last night. We had the best time and I honestly thought sex with Cody couldn’t get better but it just keeps getting better. It’s been seven months of having amazing sex, having an amazingly supportive partner, and finally realizing what a healthy relationship is.

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I can tell you that before Cody I did not have a healthy sex life at all with any of the past guys. I didn’t realize that I had it so bad until I met Cody. I never really realized how much guys manipulated or guilted me into doing things for them. I just thought, “Well, that’s how guys are, and that’s how it is.” But Cody never pressures me and he always says I can say no. He respects when I say no, and he listens if I say I want to have sex but to take it slowly because I don’t want to get triggered.

Cody works for my parents, and they had an Atlanta show last week, and this week they have their Dallas show, and next week they have their New York show. I didn’t realize they had the Dallas show this week. I’ve always had separation anxiety from my parents when they are traveling. I was really shocked to find out that my mom wasn’t coming home last night, and that my dad was leaving this morning for Dallas. I mean, it’s nice that Cody and I have the house to ourselves, but I miss my parents when they’re gone.

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I called my mom this morning after my dad left because I could feel myself starting to panic and she talked me down. I told her all about how my PTSD had been acting up and how having them gone was hard. It helped though to talk to her. I know I have my issues with my mom, but one thing she is good at is getting me to calm down. It also helped that Cody went out to breakfast with me. I am having a pretty good start to the week, excluding the anxiety. 

Hope everyone else is having a good monday!

XOXO Anna

Dying Hair and One Year

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Serena came over and dyed my hair for me. The color looks really nice! I absolutely love my new dark brown hair. We then went to her house and I got some of her clothes that she didn’t fit in anymore. She did my makeup and I did her hair and we went out to a bar to meet some of her friends. Cody was meeting us there. Before he got there some guys were trying to talk and dance with me and that made me uncomfortable. I didn’t think the bar we were going to would be as packed as it was last night, and it was nerve wracking.

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I didn’t really want to be there once I realized how packed it was. I mean, though I got raped on the 18th, it happened on a saturday night to sunday morning. I was already hoping not to be triggered but being at a bar that had a club environment in the back room was anxiety provoking. I had a drink before Cody got there but once Cody got there and I stuck to him like glue. We got a drink and we danced and went home. I knew I was drunk but I wanted to have sex and I hid the fact that I was drunk from Cody. We had sex, and I got very triggered after it. I had a flashback right after sex and it was very intense. It took Cody a while to get me to calm down. To me it felt like hours, but it probably was just third minutes. I was terrified though during my flashback. Cody did an amazing job to keep me as grounded as possible.

Cody’s making french toast right now. We are doing brunch in this weekend because we are trying to save money. I hope everyone else is having a great weekend!

XOXO Anna

Best Way To Wake Up

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This morning Cody got up at a decent time. I didn’t even have to nag him to get up. He comes back upstairs after he ate breakfast and we have a really nice talk. It started with me asking if he was really sure about me. He said yes. Then we just started talking about things that we liked about each other and how happy we made each other. Plus the kissing in between was nice. And we were playful too, and I love that about us.

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Really what got me thinking about this stuff was seeing Serena yesterday. She told me she was scrolling through Facebook and she said she commented on a picture of us to her boyfriend and said, “I bet they’re going to get married.”

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When she said that, I was like, “well…Cody did say he wanted to get me a ring when he can afford one, which would be at least six months minimum.” She was happy to hear that and told me that she wanted to be a bridesmaid. I told her of course she was going to be one. Hell it was her and one of Cody’s friends that introduced us. Without them we would have never met. But Serena was like, “The engagement better be long.” I told her if we got engaged within the next year we wouldn’t get married until we graduate college, so that’s three years from now, and she was happy with that answer.

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She realized that she wants to finally breakup with her boyfriend. There have been so many times where she will be like, “I want to break up with him” and then she never does it, but she is doing it this time. She finally realized she deserves better. Hell her boyfriend is an ass. He manipulates her into sex. She was working two jobs and had finals a couple weeks ago and she was exhausted and stressed so much that she was puking one morning at 4 AM and then the next morning her boyfriend asks her to have sex. She told him she was sick, and he said, “Oh you should go get some alkaseltzer.” He didn’t offer to get it for her and he pressured her for sex. She told me she has only had sex with him because he nags her for it. I honestly told her a while ago I wasn’t a fan of him and it was wrong of him to be constantly asking for sex when she said she doesn’t want to. I am just happy that she finally got to the place where she was ready to accept that they aren’t good for each other even if she loves him.

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But this morning was nice. I talked to Cody about the future and future possible things that could come up that could cause tension and I wanted to make sure he was thinking seriously and not totally romantically when he says he wants to be with me forever. He told me in response, “Anna, we’ve already been through a hard time.”

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He was referring to my sister and that situation. It’s true though. Cody and I have been through a really hard time, and during the beginning half of our relationship. We made it through that pretty damn well I would say. But it’s true, he has been there during my PTSD and anorexia. He was there when my family was falling a part. We’ve already been through a lot and we’ve managed to stay strong. I am confident in us.

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The one thing that I told Cody was that I am uncomfortable being comfortable. I am more comfortable when I am in pain or just in discomfort. Like, if I’m in discomfort something already isn’t going right so maybe somehow that would mean that something else can’t go wrong. I know irrational, but I guess it was the way I coped growing up. Trying to control the uncontrolable. I am not used to being happy and comfortable and for once in my life I have been since I’ve met Cody. I told him I’m still not used to it. He said I would eventually get used to it. It’s just very strange for me to have things going right. With Cody in my life, things have been going right. The only thing that I worry about sometimes is losing what I have with Cody. I truly can’t imagine my life without him. I can’t imagine us breaking up. Just thinking about it hurts. But I have met the guy of my dreams. Seriously, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be with Cody.

XOXO Anna

 

 

It’s the Dark

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Cody and I didn’t end up having sex yesterday. But this morning we did have sex and I wasn’t triggered. I think I was triggered also because it was dark. I couldn’t tell who I was with. But this morning I could. It was simple. I feel better knowing what was triggering me. I also feel better knowing that I am not broken. Cody couldn’t believe I thought that when I told him this morning before he went to work. But I sometimes do fear that I am sexually broken at times if I am triggered a lot. Having it happen two times in a row scared me. It made me really nervous to have sex again. It’s the strangest feeling to want to have sex with Cody but at the same time be scared of sex, or not sex, but getting triggered during sex. But at least I know what triggered me so now I can be more careful.

XOXO Anna

Dissociating

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I was fine earlier today. Hell I wrote my book all day then napped. Cody got home and we made out and wanted to have sex but we had to go out to dinner for his dads birthday. Then at dinner I started dissociating. I don’t know why. I can’t even remember half of the conversation that went on at the table. I wasn’t really there.

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Cody still wants to have sex, I want to want to have sex. I mean, if my mood changes and I’m not dissociating when Cody gets home then I would love to. Cody went to his house to duel with his brother. I am not sure what to do right now. I could try sleeping, or get in a shower… but I just don’t know. I hate being dissociated because I feel disconnected from myself and everyone around me. I am really getting sick of my PTSD acting up. I am really starting to feel like a major failure. I just pray that by the time Cody gets home I’m not dissociating. He really wants to have sex and I don’t want to let him down. I know he would say if I am not okay then we won’t do it, but I feel bad. I feel so sad that I’m getting triggered and dissociating and just being a PTSD mess.

XOXO Anna