Recovery

Cody and I have been doing very well for the past month. We started couples therapy, EFT specifically and it has been one of the best decisions we’ve made in our recovery as a couple together!

In a couple days, it will be a year of Cody being clean and in recovery. It’s crazy to think a year has gone by since I found out about his addiction, but we have made so much progress, both as individuals and as a couple. Cody even got an A- in Statistics! He hasn’t gotten an A in almost four years! He really has made so many improvements to his work and educational life. I still have plenty of triggers, but some triggers aren’t as bad anymore, and 95% of the time I realize his addiction has nothing to do with me. Only if it’s a day full of triggers do I get those thoughts of not being good enough.

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Cody asked me out on a date for Saturday, which was cute! I can’t wait to go on a date, we haven’t been on a date in about a month or so. So, it will be very nice to just go out, have dinner, talk, and go to the beach where we met almost 2 years ago.

Also, everything is good with the baby. We have an appointment in a week and a half and then near the end of June, we are going to find out the gender!! We can’t wait!

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Overall, it seems like things are going much better these past couple months. I am very happy about the progress and honestly, lately, it seems like we are finding “our love” again. It’s been very nice to hang out with him and just have fun. Back in the first couple months after I found out I couldn’t have fun with him, let alone be alone with him without being in pain. These days I enjoy his company much more. I think it’s because we have been talking a lot with each other, about a variety of subjects, but we’ve talked about the addiction a bit more and I think it’s been helping me process, and be able to move forward more.

XOXO Anna

It’s Been 2 Years…

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Yesterday marks two years since Owen raped me. I didn’t blog yesterday because I ended up being busy. In fact, I forgot about the rape because Cody and I were doing so well. Cody gave me the perfect night last night and didn’t even realize it was the anniversary of one of my rapes.

It’s honestly crazy to think two years have passed since I went to SCAD. Time seems to have flown by. I definitely believe everything happens for a reason. I know that if Owen hadn’t have raped me, I wouldn’t have left Savannah and moved back home, and then I’d never have met Cody.

Having gone through a sexual assault and two rapes in the course of three years completely changed the way I viewed myself. The aftermath of those trauma’s was me thinking I was trash, worthless, an object, and unlovable.

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Though Cody had his own issues he brought into our relationship, Cody has given me the gift of knowing I am lovable. The guys I dated bailed on me with time due to the PTSD I had. Cody never even thought to leave when I had flashbacks. He held me and reminded me where I was. I never thought I would have come to the day where I forgot I was raped. In the past  each anniversary had so much hold over me.

I have grown so much over the past couple years, and I am so proud of myself for doing all the hard work of recovery. I do still on rare occasions have flashbacks, or relive feelings from the trauma’s, but they don’t disable me the way they used to. I used to feel handicapped every day. I feel much more free and confident these days. I know that I am worth more than sex, I am a human being that deserves respect. It took a while to get here, but I am glad I’ve gotten here.

XOXO Anna

Struggling to Breath

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Yesterday was pretty intense. Cody was supposed to go to NYC with another employee to set up for my parents show in NYC. My phone, of course, was on silent, and I was asleep and missed 13 calls and a couple texts from Cody. When I woke up I immediately knew it had to be about his breathing and I called.

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Cody was having another breathing panic attack. I haven’t mentioned that he sometimes struggles with breathing because it hasn’t been too much a problem, but as of late, it’s gotten more intense. The struggle to breath in causes him to panic and thus makes it even more hard to breathe. The employee dropped Cody off at the train station to come back home. I picked him up and I was so glad to see him. I was so scared when we were on the phone earlier that morning. He got in the car and started crying. I was so scared and happy that he was there and I just tried to comfort him the best I could.

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Getting home I got him water and he napped and I canceled my therapy session to stay with him. We then went to my dentist, which Cody is terrified of, and Cody faced some of his fears. Also, the dentist asked if Cody and I were married, not just because of our rings, but because of the way we interact with each other. I was pretty flattered to have someone think that, and that hasn’t been the first time. Cody has a dentist appointment set up for them to take care of a filling that fell out. He also hasn’t seen a dentist in years because of his fear, so this is a huge step for him, and I’m really proud of him.

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After the dentist we went home, rested for a bit, and made dinner together. I made progress because I cooked along side Cody instead of letting Cody take care of making dinner by himself. I made the pasta, warmed the sauce and helped out with the chicken. Helping with the chicken was huge for me because I’ve always been squeamish about how raw meat looks, but I was cutting some of the chicken as it was cooking to see if it was ready. I know it’s small, but to me it was a big step forward. My goal is that one day I will be able to make my own chicken without freaking out or getting grossed out. But the dinner we made was fantastic! I’ve never enjoyed food so much.

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Cody and I had really had an amazing day yesterday, aside from the breathing scare. He also is going to see a doctor, my dads doctor, about his breathing and get a physical, since again Cody has not seen a doctor in years- another big step for him.

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It’s been a crazy couple of months since finding out about Cody’s porn addiction, but we have made progress as individuals and as a couple and I’m really proud of that. I know that being with someone who struggles from an addiction can be hard but if you love the person they are then it’s worth staying and getting through the struggle. Cody told me that I made him feel so loved and safe yesterday and that made me so happy to hear. He told me he now knows what I mean when I say for him to show me he loves me.

Moving Forward

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Cody has been making a lot of progress for the past two to three weeks. He has had epiphanies about his addiction, realized that his best friend struggles from the same addiction, realized he is recovering for himself too, we had amazing sex last night- sex where he did what he liked and wasn’t having sex with me like the way he has seen in porn, he took control and showed me he loved with passion and just let himself go and enjoy sex, which was a great moment for his recovery-and we’ve been getting along a lot better. We’ve been having a lot more fun together, and I am doing my best to stay on track with eating. We still, as a couple and as individuals, have a long way to go to be 100% better, but we’ve been making a lot of progress and I am really proud of that.

XOXO Anna

Last Week of Class

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These past five weeks I have had barely any time to relax. I have been working on the papers for my summer class, and this is my last week. My final paper is due tomorrow, so I’ll be working on that tonight. This english class has been amazing though. I have learned so much and I really like the teacher.

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Ed has also been ruling my head lately. I have had a lot of anorexia panic attacks these past two weeks, it’s exhausting. I am trying to stick to a meal plan I wrote out, and Cody is going to do it with me, but I am honestly terrified to do it. I know that if I eat balanced and exercise two times a week for 30 minutes on a treadmill I should be fine, but the irrational thoughts still are here.

XOXO Anna

Progress all around!

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My summer english class has been very interesting. My first graded paper is due this week so I am a bit nervous, but the teacher and I spoke one day after class and he said that there was something there in my writing. I told him I used to be a dramatic writing and creative writing major and minor. He said that was it, he could see that I am creative, have good grammar, and know what I am doing. I was shocked because I have never really had any teacher tell me I am good at grammar.

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Then this weekend with Cody was AMAZING. I mean, I am still in awe of how much progress he made, but also us as a couple made. Sex had been a issue for about two weeks. This weekend, well suddenly Cody wasn’t depressed any more and he wanted me. It was amazing to feel wanted. He also, when we hung out with his dad this weekend, told his dad about his porn addiction. I mean, we were sitting down at lunch with his dad, talking about  his parents divorce, and then he told his dad the reason we had been having issues in Ohio was because I had found out he was a porn addict. We explained how I have anorexia and how I told him that couldn’t be a part of the relationship from the beginning, and how he hid it from me until I found out like two months ago. His dad did not judge either of us. In fact I felt like his dad respected me more because I stayed and have been helping him get through this. But the progress we made is amazing. Personally I am really struggling with my anorexia, Ed keeps telling me I am not skinny enough, so that sucks, but I am getting through it.

Over all things are turning around!

XOXO Anna

Anorexia Progress!!

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Today I made huge steps forward in my recovery all around. Not only did I see progress with my anorexia but also progress in healing from Cody’s addiction. Today my mood was up and I finally got around to doing all the chores that are my responsibility in the relationship. I felt really good about that. Because since I found out I have been depressed and unable to do the simplest of things, yet today I ran errands, did the chores, cleaned, etc. It felt good to go back to a routine that I know. Then I went to my parents house to finish up laundry because at our apartment complex the laundry costs $3.00 and we don’t have money to spare and that’s expensive for laundry. I was looking for loose change around the house and I looked in my parents room and opened a drawer and found a safety pin. For those who don’t know, I used to cut with safety pins, so finding one was interesting. I wanted to take it, but I put it back in the drawer and closed it and walked away. Then I saw that my parents got a new scale, one that is glass and fancy and I was curious if it worked so I put some pressure down and it did. Part of me knew I shouldn’t get on the scale but I did anyways, and when I saw the number I didn’t get freaked out. It seemed to have no affect on me. I used to be controlled by that number. Now, my thought process is, “Oh that’s not bad, that’s normal.” I’ve never been able to think that before. Back when I was in my anorexia the number I saw today would have been horrifying, but I’ve been higher than the number I was today when I was in treatment, but today the number was nothing to me. So I am proud of myself for not defining myself by a stupid number. I define myself by my personality and my interests.

XOXO Anna

I Feel Like A Princess!

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Today has been impressive. I honestly was down about Cody because I wasn’t sure I could get in the mood for sex. Cody got home and was tired, I said he should take a nap while I finished an episode on netflix. I realized the dishes needed to be done and I figured it wouldn’t get done later so I paused my show and started doing the dishes, kind of feeling annoyed because it’s something Cody and I agreed would be a shared chore we do together. I did a couple dishes and then Cody was behind me with a towel in hand and started drying dishes.

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I was so impressed and shocked and turned on. Yes, turned on. For some reason doing dishes with Cody has always put me in the mood. He also got me more in the mood by standing right behind means kissing my neck as I did the dishes. We didn’t end up finishing the dishes. We went to the bedroom and had amazingly passionate, fun, intimate sex.

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Then we talked in the shower when cleaning up and he was going to go get take out since we are celebrating his one month in recovery of being honest and clean from porn and he took the trash out when he left. My god he worked on recovery today and made me feel like he takes our relationship seriously and loves me. Today at work, he watched the rest of the video I had sent him the other day, and he made an account on Rebootnation which I mentioned in my post earlier today. But I am seriously impressed with him, plus he made me feel so cared about and loved. He really did make me feel like a princess. I told him that it really was the little things that made me feel loved.

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I posted about him cutting me up an apple once and how that really made me feel loved, I also told him that him picking out the vegetables in my lo mein noodles one night made me feel loved, and tonight it was him doing the dishes with me instead of napping.

Seriously happy right now!

XOXO Anna

One Month

Today marks one month of Cody being honest with me about his addiction. He has done really well with calling me if he feels an uncomfortable emotion, and notifying me of when he gets to work and leaves. I’m proud of him for the progress he has made.

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At the same time of me being proud, I also wonder about how serious he takes all this. We had a fight and talk last night of him not being able to take anything in his life seriously. I had gotten fed up with Cody because he wasn’t getting what I was talking about and I broke down and he got upset, and I told him everything he probably didn’t want to hear. He has lived in denial about his childhood. His parents divorced when he was about 11. He claims he had the best childhood with loving parents and made it seem like a perfect dream. Yet of course, I knew better than to believe that when we first had that conversation within the first month of our relationship, but I wasn’t going to burst his bubble. Instead, I would bring up that topic from time to time and ask how the divorce affected him. There are other personal details about his parents that I won’t reveal out of respect but there was a lot of…not the best environment to be growing up in.

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So last night I was done with him living in a fantasy world. I gave him tough love and spelled out exactly how the divorce and other not healthy situations must have made him feel as a child. No child wants an unstable living environment growing up. No child wants to be the messenger boy between parents. I got him to realize that he needs to look at his childhood more. He has always mentioned 4th grade when talking about his childhood, which is when his parents divorced. That is when he noticed or remembers that he stopped doing homework and became lazy.

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Cody came to the conclusion that he is lazy and doesn’t put effort into every area of his life because he doesn’t care about himself he said. That was very sad and powerful to hear. I know that I came to the realization that my childhood wasn’t perfect and I saw my parents as people instead of heroes on a pedestal years ago, so Cody is catching up with that. With my own addictions (anorexia, self-harm, drinking) I relayed I didn’t care about myself, or if I did, it was so minimally. But through my recovery I’ve learned to really appreciate myself, and love parts of myself. I am no where near close to fully loving and accepting every part of me, but I’ve made a lot of progress through the years. Now it’s time for Cody to embark on his own journey of self-discovery, with a therapist to help him.

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This whole conversation happened because he didn’t work on recovery yesterday which was a huge disappointment to me. He didn’t make an account on Rebootnation, which is helpful, and he didn’t finish watching this video I sent him about porn and how bad it is from an ex-porn star Shelley Lubben. It was a very powerful video to watch, and I will link it here. It’s really worth the watch, it really opened my eyes up to some things I didn’t even know. We also didn’t have sex either which was mentioned that it might happen. Cody got in the shower alone after parkour…earlier that day we discussed we would relax when he gets home from parkour, then shower together and get in the mood, so there wasn’t even a chance for me to fight for us to have intimacy yesterday. Though he just messaged me and said he just made an account, so I am proud he took that step forward.

XOXO Anna

Finally Some Help!

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So I totally forgot to post about Cody and I switching our phones back. We found an app, for android systems called Mobile Fence Parental Control and it has honestly been a life saver! The app is AMAZING. I can see what Cody is doing from my computer or the tablet we have because I set that as the parental device where as Cody’s is the childs. It is a free month trial and then it’s $28.50 for a year subscription for 3 devices. I know I’m going to be getting an android galaxy phone after my iPhone so I will get that plan to keep Cody’s device, the tablet, and my new phone when I get it which will be sometime later this year.

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Another great site I found was RebootNation. Its a forum for those struggling with sex addiction and their partners. I made an account under AnonymousAnnaXO and I am going to make my first post today I hope. I also talked to Andy yesterday and told him about the situation between Cody and I. He has been the only person to take the situation seriously and offer me real advice and support. So I really appreciate Andy talking to me over Facebook yesterday it helped me and validated what I was going through.

XOXO Anna

I Hate Sex

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For the past couple of days, maybe a week or so, sex has been…difficult. I love Cody, and for me, sex is something that I use to feel closer to him through all this, but at the same time it can be triggering. It brings out all my insecurities.

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Sex doesn’t suck because Cody is bad at sex, that is very far from the truth. He is great, and pleases me, even though he confessed to me he doesn’t think he can anymore. Sex sucks because all I can do is compare myself to porn stars in my head while I’m having sex to see if I am good enough. I don’t initiate anymore, and well…in the past I usually would have to initiate…which I hate. So now I’ll give hints that I want sex and Cody knows it and doesn’t do anything. He then confessed to me last night that he thinks that he will disappoint me. Lately he has been pretty quick to cumming, and I guess he feels bad because he will have to cum either before I’ve gotten there or it will be in the middle and he will have to pull out to finish himself. I get that he feels bad, but what’s worse is feeling unwanted.

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I already feel unwanted. Obviously I feel that way since for a year he had his porn and his addiction wanted that more than me… at least that’s the way I view it. Cody says he loves me and wants me and all that, but I don’t fully feel it yet. I logically know he is saying the truth, but emotionally it’s still disconnected.

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What’s worse is that I have it in my head that I have to do porn to be “worthy” of being wanted by Cody, which he has said many times to me is not what he wants. I just feel like I have to be porn, whether it’s posting sexy photos on Instagram or social media, or taking more sexy pics for just him…but I know that doesn’t work either. I’ve taken pictures of myself in lingerie and given them to him, that was part of his christmas gift. But that didn’t work. He explained it to me that Richard (his sex addiction) doesn’t think of girlfriends as porn, thus he would not use my photos in that way. I gave those to him to keep him from looking at other girls because I thought if he really needed to look and watch naked girls, then if I gave him some pictures of me (the person who he claims he wants to be with) then that would be sufficient. I guess that still hurts, knowing that I wasn’t enough in those photo’s. I know, I know, it’s his addiction and it has nothing to do with me, but I just am struggling so much with that idea.

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Cody and I talked before he left for work because I felt shitty this morning because he was turned on and made me aware of it, and then I try to follow his lead and I hint that we could go to the shower and do stuff, but he was so tired he just passed out again. I was confused and annoyed and felt rejected. Why would he make me aware of his boner, make me feel it, and then just ignore that I said we could do stuff in the shower. I get it though, he is exhausted, which is fine. It’s the teasing that wasn’t. I’m extremely sensitive to any sexual rejection, and to me I felt rejected because I got on him and tried kissing him and stuff, and well…I failed at getting him to want to go to the shower with me. I told him that in the future I would appreciate that he doesn’t have to let me know he has a boner unless he actually wants to do something.

Today I am going to be reading the book called, Facing Heartbreak Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts and I am rewatching Dexter season 7 when Deb finds out about Dexter. I also wanted to watch another documentary on porn too. Idk, feeling overwhelmed.

XOXO Anna

Why Can’t I Be Barbie?

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So I am triggered while writing this. Not PTSD from the sexual trauma’s but PTSD like reactions to Cody and me and sex. This article will explain what I mean by the trauma.

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So Cody was turned on when we woke up and were cuddling. I was shocked because I was so busy giving our cat Luvas attention. Cody preceded to make out with me and stuff, and we had sex. Of course I’m on my period, day 4, and I was still worried about sex. Not because I am freaked by the blood, but because it means I’m human, and porn girls, well they’re not exactly human. There’s an illusion of perfection. They are flawless, perfect, which by definition is inhuman. So I am still hating the fact that I am human.

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Anyways, we were having nice sex, and Cody of course pulled out a couple times because it was too good, and there was one time were I was about to cum and he pulled out and he kinda half way came. He grabbed tissues to clean up and saw t hat obviously there was a bit of blood and was obviously freaked a bit by it and I instantly felt like crap. I told him that sex was over. I honestly didn’t want to deal with rejection. If he half way came and was freaked by blood I rather be stuck with about to cum and end it rather than try again and have him not be hard, thus me feeling rejected and like crap even more.

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I already feel obnoxiously self-conscious since I found out, and super sensitive about sex and me being naked and more so about eating, but I’ve kept Ed from controlling me as much as possible. I already, for my whole life, felt the pressure to be perfect. Now I feel, again, that I have to be perfect, except this time it’s more intense. At least in the past if I wasn’t physically perfect, or perfect in any way there wasn’t too much of a consequence because I never had a boyfriend or anyone besides my family that I would let down.

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Now I feel like if I’m not perfect I’ll be a trigger for Cody to go back to his addiction. I feel like I’m not good enough, and that I will never be because I am human. I can never be a porn star unless I waste hours of my day working on my looks. Taking an hour to do make up, and hour to do hair, and find the perfect clothes, and be the perfect trophy girl. If you’ve read my blog before, you know I’ve always been the trophy girl to whatever boyfriend I had. I was perfect. Cody has told me he doesn’t want a trophy girl and is glad that I have substance and am not just my looks. Yet his addiction makes me feel otherwise. With Cody, it’s true I haven’t put effort into being the trophy girl only because he made me feel like I was more than just arm candy. Yet again the addiction makes me think if I fucking tried to be the trophy girl this whole time it would have been different, which I know is completely irrational because it’s an addiction. I rationally know it’s about him and has nothing to do with me, but with my anorexia and Ed shiting on me it’s hard to see that.

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Point being I grew up with all my girl “friends” dressing me up, doing my hair, doing my make up, making me feel like barbie, especially because I had blonde hair. I was treated like Barbie for years and hated it, and now ironically that’s all I want. Porn… you evil mistress… you’re perfect. You have no flaws. Yet all normal girls do and we can’t compete. It’s impossible to compete. I mean, I could hire Serena to do my hair and makeup every day and pay her, because honestly she would fucking love that. I could do the whole getting my hair and make up done, and find the right clothes. But even with that I’m not the perfect porn girl. Porn girls do anything and everything for the guy with no needs or opinions or feelings of their own. Their sole existence is to please the guy. I can be submissive at times, but I’m not that submissive. I have a fiery, spunky, personality and don’t take shit. I fucking call people out when they’re ignorant or wrong, and I stand up for myself and don’t let people walk all over me anymore. But that’s not what porn girls are. So porn girls are the complete opposite of my personality so that’s another reason I can never be that.

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Sorry for ranting but I needed to vent and get this out. Honestly, because I haven’t found much support for partners of porn addicts, this blog is the only place I’ve been able to talk about it, vent, try to heal,and so on.

Anyways thanks for reading my stupid emotional roller coaster of healing or trying to heal…

XOXO Anna

More Progress! Getting Impressed!

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Last night we went to SAA and I was extremely uncomfortable for the first twenty minutes. I could feel my body completely tense and anxious. But honestly by the end of the meeting I felt myself relating to the things some of them shared, about their feelings, about how they wished to stay open and honest with their wives and so much more. They told us the Saturday meetings had more people, and people in recovery with a lot more sobriety. We are going to go to a saturday meeting, or maybe just Cody will, and I really hope Cody finds some people he can talk to, and hopefully, even a sponsor if he chooses that.

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Before we went to SAA last night Cody emailed a therapist! I was so freaking proud of him. He wrote the email, and sent it. Later that night the therapist replied that she wasn’t taking any new clients but referred him to another therapist in the building who knew about addiction. So I asked Cody to copy and paste the email he sent to the first therapist and send it to the recommended one today… so fingers crossed he does it/doesn’t forget!

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Cody is making so much progress with his recovery, and I feel stuck in mine. I’ve moved forward since I first found out. I’ve even mentioned key moments where Cody has showed me he is trustworthy, and has earned a small bit of trust back, and has given me faith and hope that he can do this. He has shown me in small moments through out this month he is serious, is being honest, and is recovering.

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For me, I’ve made progress by being able to now get off in the shower, which was something I couldn’t do because that’s where Cody would do it behind my back in the early morning. So that was a huge step forward for me. I keep getting stuck on the being “human” or “imperfect” thing. I am really feeling down because I got my period the other day which reminded me that in porn girls never get their period. Just another way I “suck” and can’t compete, at least that’s the emotional part of my brain, or even Ed talking to me. Yesterday Cody and I didn’t have sex. I kinda sadly wanted to, but I didn’t mention it because I really don’t want to get rejected. I still feel totally vulnerable and very scared around sex.

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For me, now I am constantly in my head thinking about how imperfect I am, or if what I’m doing is porn-like, or if it’s good enough, or if I’m sexy enough, etc. It’s draining to think like that. I logically know that I…am better than porn. And damn that sentence was really hard to write, because part of me still thinks I’m not… but anyways! I give Cody a lot more than some girl on a screen, right? I can give him support, cheer him on, love him, comfort him, be his best friend, etc… I’m sure there’s more…

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I mean, there are times when I think back to what happened and the times he did all that behind my back and sometimes, sometimes, I don’t feel the pain, and other times it consumes me. I’m obviously still working through the stages of grief… But I’m getting through it slowly. The main thing I need to focus on is rebuilding my own confidence, inside and outside of the bedroom. My confidence has been stomped on with the discovery of Cody’s porn addiction. Suddenly everything I thought was real or true just isn’t. There are obviously things that I realize are true, but then there are things that I am still working on in that manner.

Looking at Body

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Ed is loving this, he wants to feed off of this situation and I’ve been doing my best to not let Ed take over. He wants to tell me I’m not good enough and I never will be. He has told me that, even before I knew all this, those were my daily thoughts, but since finding out Ed has been laughing at me because he tells me he was right the whole time and Cody doing that proves that I am not good enough in any way. Of course, I am doing my best to fight off the irrational thoughts.

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Another thing is I haven’t found much support for partners of sex and porn addicts… Most sites I find for sex and porn addicts are connected to religion, which I think is stupid. I am not religious and I do not believe that sex and porn addiction be strictly tied with religion. I don’t believe porn is wrong because “God” says it is. I believe porn is wrong because it harms human beings. It is harmful to those being filmed, it is harmful to the people who watch it, and it is harmful to the partners. That’s why I believe it’s wrong. I even, finally, found a website that is against porn that is not religious!

Fight The New Drug is the site, and there is a lot of GREAT information. Check it out if you’re a partner or an addict yourself.

But anyways, just trying to stay strong through all this!

XOXO Anna

About To Find Out The Truth

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Cody and I agreed recovery would be number one. He is about to be put to the test. I have stopped parenting him and have realized that he is in charge of his own recovery and it’s not my place to decide things.

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His dad invited us to go to a concert tomorrow night, which also happens to be the only night where there is an SAA meeting in our area, every thursday at 8:00 pm. I am very nervous to hear what Cody decides. Go see a band he saw four years ago and loved and has the chance to see again, or choose recovery… I can honestly tell you I have no idea what he is going to choose. Only time will tell. Has anyone else ever had a partner that was an addict (doesn’t matter what the addiction is) and had to step back and see if their partner was serious about recovery? And if so, how did you handle it if they chose something besides recovery? I just want to be prepared for whatever Cody chooses.

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I don’t want to tell him to go to the SAA meeting because it doesn’t matter unless he chooses it. Recovery works only when the person needing recovery wants to recover. I can’t force recovery on him. I am nervous about his decision though. We agreed recovery would be number one, which again, I can’t trust that because it’s easy to agree to something when there’s nothing getting in the way of recovery. The true test is when you have to choose recovery over something you would rather do. That shows the seriousness and stuff. I mean, he said he would do anything to show me he is serious about recovery, and I know you can never trust an addict with his words, but with his actions… so I am nervous about finding out if I really do matter. I personally feel like if he meant he loved me and all the promises he has made he will choose recovery. In the end let’s think, is it worth going to a concert to lose the progress he has shown me he has made and show me what is serious in his life, or is it worth it to skip a concert of a band you’ve seen before and prove to your partner how serious you are about being in recovery and proving you love them?

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For me, when I went to AA back in GA I knew the only way I was going to get better was to get distance from my friends and not party. It was extremely hard, I went through a phase of not having any friends because I just couldn’t be in that environment that they all loved. Eventually I got to a place where I could go to a party and either not drink or have just one, but it took a while to get there. I don’t know, I know Cody and I are two very different people, with different personalities. I am serious and determined and ambitious. Cody is a dreamer, lazy, and laid back. I can be lazy too, but when push comes to shove I step up. That’s where I think Cody and I are different. I don’t have much hope for Cody making his decision, really because it’s the first time he is being tested in his recovery…but I just am trying to prepare myself to be okay with whatever he decides…

XOXO Anna

Cody’s Recovery…Day 8

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Yesterday Cody and I ended up talking which was obviously very helpful. Cody worded something very strangely and we talked about it this morning too. He said that he wanted to know if there was a chance that we were going to break up because if there was he would want to know because he said he thought that if he thought we were fine then he wouldn’t put the effort in as much, like getting me roses, or doing the little things. So you can see why the way he worded it made me…confused. We talked about it and he said he didn’t know why he said that, but he knew he should be putting in effort regardless.

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Cody has been honest with me since I found out everything, and we’ve been talking, trying to have fun, and trying to have a sex life where one of us isn’t “off” which would make it not work. Like last night we were going to get each other off in the shower after we had sex, but for me I couldn’t do it because my thoughts were wrapped up in the past to the times that he would get off to porn in the shower behind my back. Hell I can’t get off even if I’m alone in the shower… so that makes me upset. I’m sure with time that will change, but at the moment it kind of sucks.

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We have couples therapy tomorrow, which I am looking forward too. I need guidance. I need to know that we are making progress. And yes I need to hear it from a professional, I can’t trust Cody and I can’t trust myself to know that Cody is being honest. That’s something I hate, not even being able to trust my own intuition. I mean, I knew something was off with Cody and me over this past year, I just couldn’t put the pieces together. At the moment I am feeling like something small is off between Cody and I, and maybe it’s just because we both are going from happy to depressed which makes things confusing. I feel lost at times and then at other times I know exactly where Cody and I are going.

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Richard didn’t show up yesterday at all, which made me happy, and I can only pray that today will be the same. Also praying that rebuilding trust will be easier than my pessimistic personality anticipates it to be…

XOXO Anna

Cody’s Recovery…Day 7

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Yesterday we went to that AA meeting and it helped Cody a lot. It even helped me. Though we went to a car after to get drinks, I know, it was strange. Cody told me that if he was ever seen by an AA member drinking he would confess to them that his addiction is porn and that he goes to the meetings because they help him and there are no s-anon meetings in our area. I on the other hand drank two prosecco’s and got tipsy/drunk. Cody wasn’t happy, nor was I. Didn’t mean for that to happen. Not sure if we are going to AA later today or not, but I think I should if I can. Cody and I agreed that he and I will go together 3 times a week, plus our once a week couples therapy, and then after we go to the Ohio wedding at the end of the month we will get him an individual therapist.

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Cody so far has been honest with me, shown that he does want to get better, and hasn’t fought me on the recovery plan. So far things are looking good. I pray they stay that way…

XOXO Anna

LARP and Recovery

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Cody went to LARP this morning. We had a really nice night last night, but we didn’t end up going to Michael’s art exhibition. I was too tired. But I might see Michael at the end of the month.

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This weekend I have tons of homework to do. But I also wanna do some personal homework. I want to actually write out the exercises from Life Without Ed. It’s truly made a difference. I do feel a slight separation from Ed. I am not my eating disorder and I’ve known that but never felt it, and now I feel it. It’s a wonderful feeling. I feel a sense of freedom.

XOXO Anna

Life Without Ed

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So I am doing a lot better than I was in my other post from the other day. My anorexic attack the other day was so strong and it lasted a lot longer than most do these days. So I ended up buying two eating disorder books. One written by a mother about her son’s anorexia, and the other which is a well known book in the eating disorder community, Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer.

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I’ve only read chapter one and I have made a lot of notes. I’ve had insights already and honestly viewing my eating disorder as an abusive relationship has helped. Cody even was saying a couple nights ago that I am cheating on him with my eating disorder. Cody is the only person who understood that. In other relationships I had felt like I was cheating on my boyfriend with my eating disorder because I was giving all my attention to my disorder and not the person I was with at the time.

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But honestly if you’re in recovery please pick this book up. I wish I’d read this much earlier. But I’m reading it now and it is helping a lot.

XOXO Anna

Anorexia is Kicking My Ass and Will be the Death of Me

Note: this post will most likely be written by my anorexic thoughts dominating over my logic.

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Right now Anorexia is winning. Last night Anorexia was winning too.I went to Marshalls while the girl I babysit was at swim practice. I tried on clothes, and I found black shorts that fit. Maybe it was the mirror but I hated myself. I hated my looks. I couldn’t stand looking at my reflection.

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At the moment I am thinking I am really fat. The logic part of my mind knows I’m not, but I’m not tone. That bothers me. I am not skinny mini model pretty. I want to be skinny again. I want to be attractive. I feel so gross. I feel like I shouldn’t eat for two weeks. If I even do eat I feel like it should be only a chicken caesar salad, or broccoli, or string beans, or an apple, or a banana. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel so down I wanna …either cut or well you know..die, but I am not stupid I wouldn’t commit suicide. Though if I did get to a certain weight I’m sure that I wouldn’t be able to cope. I just wanna be sexy or hot. Which I guess I’m not. Ethan never described me as that, though Spencer told me that Hot was a demeaning term and I should be thankful Ethan described me as beautiful and attractive.

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I just never had that hot look and I guess that bothers me because I do struggle with the fact that I am not merely a sexual object for a guy and I am actually a person. I should know I’m worth more than just my looks but I guess I’m scared that without my looks I wouldn’t be loved. Or I would thus be unlovable. I know, irrational, but this is the way my anorexic mind thinks. Right now my anorexic mind is killing me. I even pulled out my Anorexic journal last night to remind myself of how to starve myself. There were some things in there that my logic brain was shocked to read, but my anorexic mind was sinking its claws into it, not letting go. All I can think about is how I am not good enough compared to other girls. I am torturing myself. I am in my own personal hell. A prisoner of my own twisted and warped mind. I wouldn’t wish Anorexia on my worst enemy. It’s a real killer.

XOXO Anna

Bad Body Image, Jealousy, and Self-Harm

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Yesterday was a terrible body image day. I tried on shorts and couldn’t stand myself in them. I also had ice cream after me and one of the girls from treatment went for a walk. I felt bad about it later. I also just had other body image things going on.

Cody and I hung out later that day and went to open mic night. We saw his friends and hung out. I was supposed to get dinner but didn’t. I called Ethan because I was struggling with a lot. I was already feeling like crap because of my body image issues. Like I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc. Also the girl I can get jealous of was there and there were things that kinda just made the jealousy come up. Like I know that my jealousy isn’t because I’m afraid she likes him, it comes from the fear that he likes her. She likes girls, so that alone reassured me. But yeah. Stupid emotions. But because I was already having a shitty day and super low self-confidence, that’s why it got to me so bad, and that’s when I called Ethan.

I talked to him and he reassured me there was nothing to worry about and I tried to explain that I was having issues with eating. He said to just eat and I laughed telling him it’s more complicated than that, and he sure as shit knows that. He is very out of practice when it comes to helping me with my eating. But I don’t know I’m just bleh.

I’m in treatment while writing this, and we just did Body Image. I talked about my jealousy and how that affected my view of myself and my image. See, I hate jealousy. To me, being jealous is a sign of weakness, or not being good enough. To me, being jealous is fucking humiliating and I hate that feeling. That’s why I had such issues last night and I know that. I HATE admitting it, but it is important for me to admit and acknowledge. Lying does nothing good.

But I am so annoyed at myself for being jealous, I am kicking my self way harder than I should. I think that because when I was with Ethan and I did get jealous and there was a bad reaction to that, every time I do get jealous I just feel all those old feelings again. That’s also why I think talking to Ethan wasn’t as helpful, because he just doesn’t get the whole jealousy thing. He said that he also was jealous when we were together but like he never seemed to show it. I always, while with him, felt so insecure and I hated that about us. I guess last night just reminded me of a time when I felt weak and not good enough and that’s why I couldn’t eat or couldn’t bare to look at myself in the mirror without cringing or starting to hate on myself. There are days when I know I’m sexy. Then there are days like yesterday where I couldn’t stand my reflection.

***

I’m out of treatment now. I’ve been writing this post through out the day. I feel much better than when I started writing this post. I talked to one of the therapists after Body Image and talked about Cody, the jealousy, my sister, and my parents. The jealousy thing was easily settled. Then the main conversation was about my family, and how the situation with my sister has been stressing me out and making me have extremely strong self-harm urges. It’s not only just my sister, but its the whole family situation at home.

I went home to drop something off after treatment, then left to go to Starbucks to get coffee before Cody and I hang out. The family situation is so uncomfortable I rather sit in my car in the parking lot and blog instead of sitting in my room to blog. You’re probably asking why is she in her car instead of in Starbucks. To answer the question, I have like a couple minutes before heading over to get Cody so I just made my coffee and quickly pulled out my laptop.

But in all seriousness, my family needs to talk. We ALL need to sit down and talk about each of our concerns and talk about what everyone needs and is feeling. This not talking isn’t helping any of us. I know we are all stressing. My mom hates the situation between my sister and I. Same with my dad. Plus,tomorrow my dad is getting his pacemaker in. That’s another thing that’s going on, that we as a family need to be together for. We need to support each other.

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I talked to my sister this evening, and let her know everything on my mind. I kinda cried a bit while opening up to her. I am angry because I, earlier went to my moms closet to get a safety pin from her sowing box. I didn’t. But now I did. The thing that stopped me was thinking of Quick Silver and Cody and their reaction if I did go through with the self-harm. I don’t know if I ever wrote this when I was with Eric, but he once told me he understood the urges and how it builds and sometimes you just need that release. He once told me that I was allowed to self-harm as long as he was there to make sure I didn’t hurt myself too much. Not that I would. I mean, I use a safety pin and scratch until blood is there. I don’t and wouldn’t ever use anything but a safety pin because to me I can control a safety pin and the damage. Anything else is too risky and scary. But the urge has passed. I just wish things at home would get better…

XOXO Anna