Recovery

Cody and I have been doing very well for the past month. We started couples therapy, EFT specifically and it has been one of the best decisions we’ve made in our recovery as a couple together!

In a couple days, it will be a year of Cody being clean and in recovery. It’s crazy to think a year has gone by since I found out about his addiction, but we have made so much progress, both as individuals and as a couple. Cody even got an A- in Statistics! He hasn’t gotten an A in almost four years! He really has made so many improvements to his work and educational life. I still have plenty of triggers, but some triggers aren’t as bad anymore, and 95% of the time I realize his addiction has nothing to do with me. Only if it’s a day full of triggers do I get those thoughts of not being good enough.

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Cody asked me out on a date for Saturday, which was cute! I can’t wait to go on a date, we haven’t been on a date in about a month or so. So, it will be very nice to just go out, have dinner, talk, and go to the beach where we met almost 2 years ago.

Also, everything is good with the baby. We have an appointment in a week and a half and then near the end of June, we are going to find out the gender!! We can’t wait!

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Overall, it seems like things are going much better these past couple months. I am very happy about the progress and honestly, lately, it seems like we are finding “our love” again. It’s been very nice to hang out with him and just have fun. Back in the first couple months after I found out I couldn’t have fun with him, let alone be alone with him without being in pain. These days I enjoy his company much more. I think it’s because we have been talking a lot with each other, about a variety of subjects, but we’ve talked about the addiction a bit more and I think it’s been helping me process, and be able to move forward more.

XOXO Anna

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It’s Been 2 Years…

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Yesterday marks two years since Owen raped me. I didn’t blog yesterday because I ended up being busy. In fact, I forgot about the rape because Cody and I were doing so well. Cody gave me the perfect night last night and didn’t even realize it was the anniversary of one of my rapes.

It’s honestly crazy to think two years have passed since I went to SCAD. Time seems to have flown by. I definitely believe everything happens for a reason. I know that if Owen hadn’t have raped me, I wouldn’t have left Savannah and moved back home, and then I’d never have met Cody.

Having gone through a sexual assault and two rapes in the course of three years completely changed the way I viewed myself. The aftermath of those trauma’s was me thinking I was trash, worthless, an object, and unlovable.

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Though Cody had his own issues he brought into our relationship, Cody has given me the gift of knowing I am lovable. The guys I dated bailed on me with time due to the PTSD I had. Cody never even thought to leave when I had flashbacks. He held me and reminded me where I was. I never thought I would have come to the day where I forgot I was raped. In the past  each anniversary had so much hold over me.

I have grown so much over the past couple years, and I am so proud of myself for doing all the hard work of recovery. I do still on rare occasions have flashbacks, or relive feelings from the trauma’s, but they don’t disable me the way they used to. I used to feel handicapped every day. I feel much more free and confident these days. I know that I am worth more than sex, I am a human being that deserves respect. It took a while to get here, but I am glad I’ve gotten here.

XOXO Anna

Struggling to Breath

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Yesterday was pretty intense. Cody was supposed to go to NYC with another employee to set up for my parents show in NYC. My phone, of course, was on silent, and I was asleep and missed 13 calls and a couple texts from Cody. When I woke up I immediately knew it had to be about his breathing and I called.

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Cody was having another breathing panic attack. I haven’t mentioned that he sometimes struggles with breathing because it hasn’t been too much a problem, but as of late, it’s gotten more intense. The struggle to breath in causes him to panic and thus makes it even more hard to breathe. The employee dropped Cody off at the train station to come back home. I picked him up and I was so glad to see him. I was so scared when we were on the phone earlier that morning. He got in the car and started crying. I was so scared and happy that he was there and I just tried to comfort him the best I could.

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Getting home I got him water and he napped and I canceled my therapy session to stay with him. We then went to my dentist, which Cody is terrified of, and Cody faced some of his fears. Also, the dentist asked if Cody and I were married, not just because of our rings, but because of the way we interact with each other. I was pretty flattered to have someone think that, and that hasn’t been the first time. Cody has a dentist appointment set up for them to take care of a filling that fell out. He also hasn’t seen a dentist in years because of his fear, so this is a huge step for him, and I’m really proud of him.

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After the dentist we went home, rested for a bit, and made dinner together. I made progress because I cooked along side Cody instead of letting Cody take care of making dinner by himself. I made the pasta, warmed the sauce and helped out with the chicken. Helping with the chicken was huge for me because I’ve always been squeamish about how raw meat looks, but I was cutting some of the chicken as it was cooking to see if it was ready. I know it’s small, but to me it was a big step forward. My goal is that one day I will be able to make my own chicken without freaking out or getting grossed out. But the dinner we made was fantastic! I’ve never enjoyed food so much.

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Cody and I had really had an amazing day yesterday, aside from the breathing scare. He also is going to see a doctor, my dads doctor, about his breathing and get a physical, since again Cody has not seen a doctor in years- another big step for him.

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It’s been a crazy couple of months since finding out about Cody’s porn addiction, but we have made progress as individuals and as a couple and I’m really proud of that. I know that being with someone who struggles from an addiction can be hard but if you love the person they are then it’s worth staying and getting through the struggle. Cody told me that I made him feel so loved and safe yesterday and that made me so happy to hear. He told me he now knows what I mean when I say for him to show me he loves me.

Moving Forward

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Cody has been making a lot of progress for the past two to three weeks. He has had epiphanies about his addiction, realized that his best friend struggles from the same addiction, realized he is recovering for himself too, we had amazing sex last night- sex where he did what he liked and wasn’t having sex with me like the way he has seen in porn, he took control and showed me he loved with passion and just let himself go and enjoy sex, which was a great moment for his recovery-and we’ve been getting along a lot better. We’ve been having a lot more fun together, and I am doing my best to stay on track with eating. We still, as a couple and as individuals, have a long way to go to be 100% better, but we’ve been making a lot of progress and I am really proud of that.

XOXO Anna

Last Week of Class

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These past five weeks I have had barely any time to relax. I have been working on the papers for my summer class, and this is my last week. My final paper is due tomorrow, so I’ll be working on that tonight. This english class has been amazing though. I have learned so much and I really like the teacher.

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Ed has also been ruling my head lately. I have had a lot of anorexia panic attacks these past two weeks, it’s exhausting. I am trying to stick to a meal plan I wrote out, and Cody is going to do it with me, but I am honestly terrified to do it. I know that if I eat balanced and exercise two times a week for 30 minutes on a treadmill I should be fine, but the irrational thoughts still are here.

XOXO Anna

Progress all around!

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My summer english class has been very interesting. My first graded paper is due this week so I am a bit nervous, but the teacher and I spoke one day after class and he said that there was something there in my writing. I told him I used to be a dramatic writing and creative writing major and minor. He said that was it, he could see that I am creative, have good grammar, and know what I am doing. I was shocked because I have never really had any teacher tell me I am good at grammar.

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Then this weekend with Cody was AMAZING. I mean, I am still in awe of how much progress he made, but also us as a couple made. Sex had been a issue for about two weeks. This weekend, well suddenly Cody wasn’t depressed any more and he wanted me. It was amazing to feel wanted. He also, when we hung out with his dad this weekend, told his dad about his porn addiction. I mean, we were sitting down at lunch with his dad, talking about  his parents divorce, and then he told his dad the reason we had been having issues in Ohio was because I had found out he was a porn addict. We explained how I have anorexia and how I told him that couldn’t be a part of the relationship from the beginning, and how he hid it from me until I found out like two months ago. His dad did not judge either of us. In fact I felt like his dad respected me more because I stayed and have been helping him get through this. But the progress we made is amazing. Personally I am really struggling with my anorexia, Ed keeps telling me I am not skinny enough, so that sucks, but I am getting through it.

Over all things are turning around!

XOXO Anna

Anorexia Progress!!

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Today I made huge steps forward in my recovery all around. Not only did I see progress with my anorexia but also progress in healing from Cody’s addiction. Today my mood was up and I finally got around to doing all the chores that are my responsibility in the relationship. I felt really good about that. Because since I found out I have been depressed and unable to do the simplest of things, yet today I ran errands, did the chores, cleaned, etc. It felt good to go back to a routine that I know. Then I went to my parents house to finish up laundry because at our apartment complex the laundry costs $3.00 and we don’t have money to spare and that’s expensive for laundry. I was looking for loose change around the house and I looked in my parents room and opened a drawer and found a safety pin. For those who don’t know, I used to cut with safety pins, so finding one was interesting. I wanted to take it, but I put it back in the drawer and closed it and walked away. Then I saw that my parents got a new scale, one that is glass and fancy and I was curious if it worked so I put some pressure down and it did. Part of me knew I shouldn’t get on the scale but I did anyways, and when I saw the number I didn’t get freaked out. It seemed to have no affect on me. I used to be controlled by that number. Now, my thought process is, “Oh that’s not bad, that’s normal.” I’ve never been able to think that before. Back when I was in my anorexia the number I saw today would have been horrifying, but I’ve been higher than the number I was today when I was in treatment, but today the number was nothing to me. So I am proud of myself for not defining myself by a stupid number. I define myself by my personality and my interests.

XOXO Anna