Last night we went to SAA and I was extremely uncomfortable for the first twenty minutes. I could feel my body completely tense and anxious. But honestly by the end of the meeting I felt myself relating to the things some of them shared, about their feelings, about how they wished to stay open and honest with their wives and so much more. They told us the Saturday meetings had more people, and people in recovery with a lot more sobriety. We are going to go to a saturday meeting, or maybe just Cody will, and I really hope Cody finds some people he can talk to, and hopefully, even a sponsor if he chooses that.
Before we went to SAA last night Cody emailed a therapist! I was so freaking proud of him. He wrote the email, and sent it. Later that night the therapist replied that she wasn’t taking any new clients but referred him to another therapist in the building who knew about addiction. So I asked Cody to copy and paste the email he sent to the first therapist and send it to the recommended one today… so fingers crossed he does it/doesn’t forget!
Cody is making so much progress with his recovery, and I feel stuck in mine. I’ve moved forward since I first found out. I’ve even mentioned key moments where Cody has showed me he is trustworthy, and has earned a small bit of trust back, and has given me faith and hope that he can do this. He has shown me in small moments through out this month he is serious, is being honest, and is recovering.
For me, I’ve made progress by being able to now get off in the shower, which was something I couldn’t do because that’s where Cody would do it behind my back in the early morning. So that was a huge step forward for me. I keep getting stuck on the being “human” or “imperfect” thing. I am really feeling down because I got my period the other day which reminded me that in porn girls never get their period. Just another way I “suck” and can’t compete, at least that’s the emotional part of my brain, or even Ed talking to me. Yesterday Cody and I didn’t have sex. I kinda sadly wanted to, but I didn’t mention it because I really don’t want to get rejected. I still feel totally vulnerable and very scared around sex.
For me, now I am constantly in my head thinking about how imperfect I am, or if what I’m doing is porn-like, or if it’s good enough, or if I’m sexy enough, etc. It’s draining to think like that. I logically know that I…am better than porn. And damn that sentence was really hard to write, because part of me still thinks I’m not… but anyways! I give Cody a lot more than some girl on a screen, right? I can give him support, cheer him on, love him, comfort him, be his best friend, etc… I’m sure there’s more…
I mean, there are times when I think back to what happened and the times he did all that behind my back and sometimes, sometimes, I don’t feel the pain, and other times it consumes me. I’m obviously still working through the stages of grief… But I’m getting through it slowly. The main thing I need to focus on is rebuilding my own confidence, inside and outside of the bedroom. My confidence has been stomped on with the discovery of Cody’s porn addiction. Suddenly everything I thought was real or true just isn’t. There are obviously things that I realize are true, but then there are things that I am still working on in that manner.
Ed is loving this, he wants to feed off of this situation and I’ve been doing my best to not let Ed take over. He wants to tell me I’m not good enough and I never will be. He has told me that, even before I knew all this, those were my daily thoughts, but since finding out Ed has been laughing at me because he tells me he was right the whole time and Cody doing that proves that I am not good enough in any way. Of course, I am doing my best to fight off the irrational thoughts.
Another thing is I haven’t found much support for partners of sex and porn addicts… Most sites I find for sex and porn addicts are connected to religion, which I think is stupid. I am not religious and I do not believe that sex and porn addiction be strictly tied with religion. I don’t believe porn is wrong because “God” says it is. I believe porn is wrong because it harms human beings. It is harmful to those being filmed, it is harmful to the people who watch it, and it is harmful to the partners. That’s why I believe it’s wrong. I even, finally, found a website that is against porn that is not religious!
Fight The New Drug is the site, and there is a lot of GREAT information. Check it out if you’re a partner or an addict yourself.
But anyways, just trying to stay strong through all this!