Engaged!

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This weekend Cody proposed! We went out to dinner and after dinner, we went to the beach we met at, and we went out on the rocks, to the end, like we did when we met. We hugged because it was cold out and he gave a wonderful speech about how sorry he was for hurting me, and how having me in his life has made him a better person. I said that I didn’t deserve him at his best if I couldn’t handle him at his worst, and he smiled. He said his shoe lace came out and I laughed because I was wondering if he was going to propose or just trick me, and he was down on one knee, and said will you marry me, and he opened the box, which was upside down so I started laughing, and told him the box was upside down and sais yes! We kissed and hugged and he put the ring on my finger, and then he was like, “Wait, I don’t want you to lose it out here,” so he put the ring back in the box to keep it safe.

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The wedding is July 29th, and we already have a guest list. It’s going to be a small wedding, and honestly, I am just so happy and so excited!

XOXO Anna

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Recovery

Cody and I have been doing very well for the past month. We started couples therapy, EFT specifically and it has been one of the best decisions we’ve made in our recovery as a couple together!

In a couple days, it will be a year of Cody being clean and in recovery. It’s crazy to think a year has gone by since I found out about his addiction, but we have made so much progress, both as individuals and as a couple. Cody even got an A- in Statistics! He hasn’t gotten an A in almost four years! He really has made so many improvements to his work and educational life. I still have plenty of triggers, but some triggers aren’t as bad anymore, and 95% of the time I realize his addiction has nothing to do with me. Only if it’s a day full of triggers do I get those thoughts of not being good enough.

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Cody asked me out on a date for Saturday, which was cute! I can’t wait to go on a date, we haven’t been on a date in about a month or so. So, it will be very nice to just go out, have dinner, talk, and go to the beach where we met almost 2 years ago.

Also, everything is good with the baby. We have an appointment in a week and a half and then near the end of June, we are going to find out the gender!! We can’t wait!

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Overall, it seems like things are going much better these past couple months. I am very happy about the progress and honestly, lately, it seems like we are finding “our love” again. It’s been very nice to hang out with him and just have fun. Back in the first couple months after I found out I couldn’t have fun with him, let alone be alone with him without being in pain. These days I enjoy his company much more. I think it’s because we have been talking a lot with each other, about a variety of subjects, but we’ve talked about the addiction a bit more and I think it’s been helping me process, and be able to move forward more.

XOXO Anna

Please Take Responsibility

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On rebootnation, there are some addicts that simply don’t take responsibility for their actions. It’s been very sad to read. Some addicts have been amazing in their efforts to recover, and actually be honest with their partners, but some encourage addicts to not tell their partners.

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As a partner who was lied to and deceived, I’m saying that lying hurts more than the porn. I understand there are shame and embarrassment around this topic, but a partner has a right to know who they are with and a right to decide what they want based on an honest representation of yourself.

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I know that it can take some time to really reflect on your actions and see them for what they are. Isn’t it unfair to lie to someone you claim to love, though? I understand some addicts fear their partner will leave, or not accept them. That can be a reality, but not giving your partner the chance to show you what they would decide isn’t fair.

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I guess, I just hope that addicts, no matter what their addiction is, can be honest with the people around them, and take responsibility for their actions. I know of addicts who do and I commend them. I just hate knowing how many partners out there who don’t know that they are living with an addict, and I hate hearing addicts say, “I’m addicted I can’t control myself” as a way to excuse using. Self-control is possible, there are ways, you just have to learn what works for you.

XOXO Anna

Partners Of Porn Addicts

I have redone the look of the forum and I am really glad that we have gotten new members! I hope that anyone who is struggling with porn addiction can give the forum link to their partners, and that any partners of porn addiction join as well. So far everyone on the forum is happy that it’s a safe place for partners.

XOXO Anna

Moms

Right now, I am overwhelmed with moms. I, in my last post, talked about how my mom and I had a bit of a disagreement on our relationship and the needs within the relationship. I have also mentioned Cody’s mom because she is driving me up the freaking wall!  Then this week I am going to be talking to a family friend who helped get my sister and I adopted and go over the adoption papers with her and ask questions about my birth mom. So lots of mom stuff going on.

I am going to be talking about Cody’s mom. If you read the post linked about, you will understand where this all started. I am going to post the conversation below because it is so ridiculous and hurtful that I can’t wrap my head around it.

 

Things to know

Cody’s has given me permission to post the conversation. Cody’s parents divorced at age 10 for him. His mother is a cocaine addict and has struggled with alcohol, which partly is why the divorce happened I assume. She went to treatment after the divorce. His dad told us she was never around and couldn’t budge when he would beg for an inch for her to help him with the 3 kids. Cody lived one week at his dads and one week at his moms for five or six years.When at his mom’s, she was always working and he barely saw her. Then he just lived with his dad after that. So all in all, she was absent for most of his life and has been selfish so to speak.

Conversation

December 27th

She texts me, “Perhaps your screening Cody’s calls. Please have him call me tonight ASAP.”

Cody realized he had missed a call from her because his phone sound was off.

She texts him about money, and he replies, “Hey I don’t think my phone is working. I tried to answer your call but I couldn’t hear you.”

She replies, “Why not answer my texts then? Are you home or are you stopping by?”

He replies, “We just got home, I forgot to stop by the bank. I can give it to you early tomorrow morning.”

She replies, “Ok. But I’m going to fix this phone issue for you with a new phone and new security. Only I will be able to change or block on your behalf and your phone will ALWAYS work. I’ll work with Verizon tomorrow and keep you posted and close your current phone account. This way only you and I will have the access with additional security and insurance. Love you and see you in the morning mom.”

He replies, “What the hell does that mean? My phone broke… I got a refurbished phone because it was cheapest… sometimes the speakers don’t work, that’s it. I reset my phone and it’s fine. That’s why I miss notifications. What do you mean by security? There is no security threats nor is anything being blocked. I’m sorry I haven’t paid you yet if that’s what you’re upset about, Anna has been telling me I need to take care of the phone bill and she needs my half of the other bills, I’ve been lazy.”

“Cody, just come over tomorrow morning and we will work things out. Just you and me, okay?”

 

That ends December 27th for you. So that was the first conversation and highly offensive to both of us. Cody also used to work at Verizon so he didn’t understand what his mom meant about security because you can’t add more than there already is. Cody has MobileFence on his phone so that he can be accountable in his recovery from porn addiction, he had take it off if he wants so I am not controlling his phone, which his mom obviously thinks, which is highly offensive.

December 28th we go to his moms, I wait in the car. He comes back and they didn’t talk about anything. So we go to breakfast, I’m pissed, he eventually texts her this, “I forgot to mention something while I was there. I really didn’t appreciate you accusing Anna of screening my calls. You should’ve just asked me why I wasn’t answering. She doesn’t control me or what I do on my phone so don’t worry about that. It kind of felt like you were treating me like a kid. We have

So we go to breakfast, I’m pissed, he eventually texts her this, “I forgot to mention something while I was there. I really didn’t appreciate you accusing Anna of screening my calls. You should’ve just asked me why I wasn’t answering. She doesn’t control me or what I do on my phone so don’t worry about that. It kind of felt like you were treating me like a kid. We have a account together because it’s cheaper between the two of us, you may be the account holder but I do not want you ever canceling my line I would love to not get a new number and if it’s a problem I’ll take my number off.”

That was texted to her at 11:22 am. She replies at 6:34, “Did you try the stick yet? Did it work vocally? I want to know so I can order one for mom and dad tonight as they are on back order.”

She calls, Cody is driving so he doesn’t answer. He texts, “Driving” so she knows he isn’t purposely ignoring her.

She replies, “Call me when you get home. Working on the computer. Thanks honey!”

At 8:17 Cody replies, “Just got home, haven’t tried it. Don’t know if you got my text before I’ll resend it.” (Cody resends the text from after breakfast).

Next contact is on January 7th, she says, “I haven’t heard from you. How are you surviving this storm? Are you both home and safe? Just worried about you. Let me know. Love you both, mom. By the way, [my boyfriends] mom passed away Wednesday morning. It’s been a tough week.”

Cody replies, “Hey yeah we’re safe. I’m sorry to hear that. How’s [your boyfriend]?”

January 9th, Cody texts, “Hey are you free tomorrow?” No reply.

There was a phone call between them at some point from December 27th to January 20th were we where at BJs and when Cody tried to talk about what needs to be talked about she said they would have that conversation face to face and hung up.

January 20th

She says, (2 pictures of finances) Hi honey, we haven’t talked in ages. Work has been crazy. Had a 15 hour straight day yesterday, closed, got home at 12:30 and bed at 1:15 am, up at 4:45 am for corp breakfast at 7 am for 45. Slept this afternoon. Ugh! Anyway, I paid Verizon. I’ve attached last month and this month’s calculations with xtra payment last month and your caller ID monthly charge you added. So you owe $85.51. You equipment balance is getting lower, yeah. I’m working doubles sat and sun and [the boss] is on vacation (1st in 9 years) so I’ll be busy this next week. Let me know when you can stop by and maybe visit too. Miss you both and hope your both well. I love you!! Mom”

January 21

Cody says, “Hey mom, wow sounds busy. I would like to get together. Are you free at all this week?”

January 23

She says, “Hey Cody, my schedule is crazy!! I’m working on computer all night. Give me a call tonight when you have a minute.” (Cody doesn’t call)

January 27

Cody says, “Hey mom, it was a crazy week. Lots of work on the website, been super busy. And class started so I’ve been trying to keep up with statistics. Are you free this week? We can get together and catch up and I can give you Verizon money.”

She replies, “Are you free now to talk for two minutes”

He replies, “Talk about what?” (because 2 minutes is not the conversation he needs)

She replies, “The message you just texted me. Hey. What’s up, why so defensive sounding. Honey. Just give me a call. I miss you”

He replies, “Apparently you don’t want to talk about it. I’ve been trying to get together with you so we can talk. I’m upset that you accuse Anna of screening my phone calls, which is ridiculous. Then you go on to say that you’re going to put new security on my phone and get me a new phone or something? It’s my phone I’ll do what I want with it. I got on your plan so we could split the bill so it would be cheaper for both of us. I don’t appreciate you saying you’re putting security on my phone and “only we’ll have access” Anna does not control anything or keep me from anything. In fact she’s been trying to get me to talk to you for the past few weeks. And I would very much like to meet with you so we can talk face to face.”

January 29

He says, “Mom you can’t ignore me, I want to address this. I’m not ok with you treating us like that. I love you and I love seeing you but I don’t want you to think badly of Anna when all she’s been is amazing to me and I’m your son but not a child and I don’t need to be treated like one. I’ll do with my phone what I want and if that’s not ok I’ll make my own plan. I love you and want things to be ok but I’m not going to pretend we’re ok when I’m actually upset.

February 5

She says, “Can you drop off phone money today please. $85. Your 2 weeks late and I could use it please. [my boyfriend] will be at the house. I’m working. Please leave it with him. I’ll be home around 5. Thank you, Love you. Mom”

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That brings us to today and I am OUTRAGED. I don’t really understand what it would be like to have divorced parents but is this normal???? For one parent to not care or be so dismissive and selfish and rude??? I can’t understand why his mom isn’t trying. Why wouldn’t a mom try to have a relationship with THE ONLY child who is trying??? Cody’s sister and brother gave up on his mom years ago. Cody is the only person left that she talks to from her “family.” This is just making me so angry and confused. Isn’t there something in a mother’s DNA that hardwires them to care about their children??? This is honestly just baffling to see. Can anyone give their 2 cents on this? I am having issues wrapping my head around her behavior.

Cody is going to go over at 5 today he says, and I hope that goes well.

XOXO Anna

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Relationship With Mom

Since I got out of treatment, my mom and I have been working on our relationship. I honestly thought this time was different. I am not sure how much I’ve really mentioned my relationship with my mother on this blog, but it has been superficial.

I love my mom. I want my mom. I know, I am 23 but I still need her. I think I’ll always want her, but I don’t know if I’ll ever really have her. I don’t think I’ve ever “really” had her. I know that she cares, I just think she might not be capable of showing it in the ways mothers usually show they care.

In treatment, we had family sessions each week. In those sessions, my mother and I addressed many issues and topics that were keeping our relationship in a tense place. My mother expressed that she mothered the way she thought was best. She thought signing me up for as many activities as possible was showing her care because she never had that growing up. I think she showed her love through money. I don’t want to sound harsh, but I think she didn’t realize the emotional needs of a child after the age of seven, or she just worked too much.

I know these days women work just as much as men, and that is great. I just don’t think my parents anticipated how much their new company would consume them. I want to make clear that I am not blaming my parents in any way. I am just giving my opinion. I know they did the best they could.

I just wonder why my mom can’t be emotional. I know her parents were distant, and she grew up to be independent, strong, and tough. Not everyone has that personality, though, especially not my sister and me. Not to say we don’t have those qualities, but we are sensitive as well. I am closer to my dad than my mom, and my sister is as well. My sister once told me that she doesn’t have a chance at having a relationship with mom, but she saw that I had a chance. She told me to fight for that relationship. Since she told me that I have fought. I have tried my hardest to have a relationship with my mom, but some days I am not sure it’s possible. Other days I think it is. The worst part in all this is the back and forth, the uncertainty, which leaves an emotionally unsafe place to be in.

Last week I went over to my parents to cook with my mom because that was part of the bonding we thought would be good, and it’s good for my recovery to learn how to cook. When I walked through the door in sweat pants and Cody’s t-shirt my mom instantly criticized the way I looked. She then commented on my hair after insulting the outfit. I was very hurt and felt self-conscious but paused. I didn’t yell or explode, instead, I told her I felt like she was projecting and asked what was going on in her life. She admitted to projecting and talked about the stress. That was something we have never done. That was huge progress. It made me hopeful. She also really wanted me to join her gym and go with her twice a week. I’ll admit I was nervous because that’s a commitment. I wasn’t sure whether our new relationship was going to last, but because she was so confident in her decision I started to hope.

Yesterday I talked to my mom about many things and got to the topic of buying books for class. My dad was being strange about it, so she said she would chip in to help me afford it. I was thinking, “wow, my mom really cares and is stepping up her game.” She asks when she can give me the money, and I said that since we had therapy she could give it to me then. She said she couldn’t make therapy (she also canceled last week’s therapy session). I said that was okay. I also asked if she knew if a dietician was in our insurance plan because I need one. She replies, “You don’t need a dietician Anna, please you are fine. You can do this yourself.” I don’t fight her on that, even though I was crushed and hurt. I then continue the conversation of therapy and when she can come. She, in the end, said she could maybe do therapy once a month but said she feels we don’t need it. Meanwhile, before we talked about therapy, she was asking me to come to work today to help out, and when I asked about being paid she said she shouldn’t be paying me because I am family. In the end when she said she thinks we don’t need therapy I told her I wasn’t coming into work and hung up.

After that conversation, I was broken. I felt scared, abandoned and family-less. I’ve already pretty much lost India since she never replies to me, my mom and I were trying to work it out and I feel as if I’ve lost that, and if I lose mom then I, in turn, lose my dad who will be on her side.

I have given my mother many chances to be there emotionally for me, to be closer, to help, and so on. It’s been three years of chances. I really thought this time was going to be different, and maybe it will turn out to be okay…but I feel hopeless right now since she just lost the trust that was slowly being earned.

I am not someone who trusts easily. Sadly, I trusted my mom and that she wanted a relationship (that’s deeper than a kiddie pool). I am not sure if my mom is just scared of having a relationship or what, but I do know that her actions have been quite hurtful and now I feel scared. I am scared to talk to my mom, scared to hang out with her, and scared to try again. I’ll get over it, but I hate feeling scared. I am sure if she knew any of what I was feeling she would apologize, but I don’t know if she would change her mind about therapy or about a dietician. She always “knows” what I “need” and don’t “need.” When I ask for something and she dismisses it, like she has done for as long as I can remember, I doubt myself and knowing what I need. I just want this cycle to end.

If I could have a relationship with my mom it would be both of us communicating honestly, and openly -no secrets. It would be us being able to say what we each need, and both of us accepting those needs. I guess it comes down to being supportive and accepting. I hope one day we can get there…

XOXO Anna

 

Support for Partners of Porn Addicts

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Hey, so I am posting because I made a forum specifically for Partners of Porn Addicts. Porn addiction is not something talk about often, but it is a growing problem, and the addicts problem affects those closest to them. It has been a very difficult journey to heal without the proper resources. I haven’t been able to find much (free) support for partners of porn addicts. This is why I made the forum. It’s a place for partners of porn addicts to feel safe to process the trauma they are going through. The forum is geared towards partners and their individual recovery process.

There’s an information section for guidlelines of the forum, a partners section (that is protected), a section for resources we’ve found to be helpful, a “Show your Partner” section for things that would be helpful for us to show our partners throughout recovery, and an off topic section so people can talk about anything they find interesting. The partners section is closed, and only people who sign up for the forum can see it, so that way people can feel safe to post things without fear of judgement.

I love Reboot Nation, and it’s a great forum, but some there were times that some addicts came on our side of the forum and caused trouble. Since then, some people have felt uncomfortable at times posting certain things in fear of judgement.

I personally believe that we partners do need a space for us. The porn addicts have more resources than us for help. We have a section within a porn addict recovery forum, where addicts can read and post in our section.

I signed up with the same username so there wouldn’t be confusion.

So if you have (or had) a significant other, husband, or partner, who is struggling with porn addiction and it is having a negative effect on you, this is a place where you can go to talk about your experience and your journey of healing.

http://partnersofpas.boards.net

XOXO Anna