Therapy and Healing

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Cody and I went to therapy on friday to talk about all the things we either weren’t talking about or had miscommunications about. It helped for sure. We have a check up session in two 2 weeks. We also had amazing sex last night at my parents house in my bedroom. It brought back a lot of memories of when we were first together. Tomorrow marks a year of us meeting and then the 18th is when he asked me to be his girlfriend. We are trading gifts, but Cody hasn’t gotten his yet. I already have one of the two that I’m giving him. We also were going to get matching tattoo’s with our initial’s in the tattoo, like the one I got with my sister, but at the moment money is really tight, so we are putting that off until the end of the month or beginning of next month when we have the money, so that’s a gift we are getting together.

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Tomorrow I have to take Emily and Luvas to the vet, which is going to cost a lot, and then I’m baby-sitting that afternoon into the evening,and Cody and I will trade our first gift tomorrow night, and then the other on the 18th. But things are turning around for Cody and me.

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Also we’ve figured out I am better at finances than he is, since that is where most of the stress has been coming from. He just isn’t as organized as I am so I got this app Wally, which is a great app, and have folders and am keeping everything organized. This month so far we’ve spent more than normal because of getting gifts and other finances (like parking tickets) and stuff. Overall living together in our own place was originally strange, but I think we are getting used to the place and getting used to our new routine and communicating a lot better lately which is really helping. Seriously glad things are turning around for us!

XOXO Anna

Fucking Cheaters

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My god does no one know how to keep it in their pants? Or actually talk to their partner? Or like actually love their partner? My friend from SCAD, my roommate, she her boyfriend cheated on her twice, with two different girls. That’s what led them to breakup months ago and I’m just finding out about the cheating.

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Now Cody and I have two friends who have broken up because of the cheating. Plus a porn account requested to follow Cody’s instagram which brought up old wounds…which wouldn’t have been as bad if I hadn’t been talking about cheating with my friend. *sigh*

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Worst part is the guy who cheated on her, he is fucking not letting her go. He was holding her hand and putting his arm around her because he got jealous that she was moving on with another guy!

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I want to curl up under the covers, cry, and not come out because the world makes me sad.

XOXO Anna

Getting into the holiday spirit

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Today some of Cody’s gifts arrived and my mom is also wrapping presents too. Though my mom and I have been getting into disagreements lately, today has been nice spending time with her and wrapping presents.

Also last night’s hangout with Cody’s mom and her boyfriend went really well. Had lots of fun, and she even asked Cody for my cell number! I really hope I can hang out with her one on one sometime.

Hope everyone is enjoying getting ready for the holidays!

XOXO Anna

Change

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I quit my job because it was keeping me from eating, and I went back to treatment this week and it was hell, and I’m not going back next week.

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I would eat if they gave me foods I liked. Is it really that much to ask to sub Almonds for Honey mustard? (they both equal one fat exchange) Honestly it’s a little ridiculous that they won’t let you do that. I would have eaten the meal with minimal issues had they been able to sub that.

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I don’t take well to being “force fed”. When I was younger, I had a nanny who made food I hated and I wasn’t allowed to leave the table until my plate was clean. It was pretty traumatizing for me, and being in treatment where they won’t sub something as simple as a condiment, and they force me to eat it because at that low level of treatment you’re not allowed to have ensure is bullshit.

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So my mom and I looked into therapists that specialize in eating disorders. I find that the therapy groups of treatment are really beneficial but the treatment team forcing me to eat something I wouldn’t eat in my life outside of treatment is stupid. I mean, one therapist said, “What happens when you’re at a restaurant and you see a salad with craisins on it? Are you just not going to eat the craisins?”

When I told Cody this, he pretty much exploded with, “Why the fuck would you order salad with craisins on it at a restaurant if you don’t like craisins? It doesn’t make any sense.”

That’s true. Isn’t the point of treatment supposed to be getting the person to eat normally again? I am a picky eater, I admit to that. But if they gave me foods I actually like, or even a food I like in a different style that I haven’t had before I wouldn’t fight it. I would sit there and eat the meal. Sure I might have the anxiety I have, but it wouldn’t be unbearable.

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I am doing okay with my eating I think. I mean, do I have the urges to restrict? Oh HELL YEAH I DO. But I haven’t been doing it so much. I mean, I’ve been trying to eat through out the day. It’s hard though. Some days it’s as if I’m fine and other days someone has to sit down with me and eat with me. These days I’ve ben using music to deal with overwhelming emotions, so that’s more positive than other things I could be doing.

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I honestly hate anorexia and eating disorders in general. They can be so hard to overcome at times. I am sick of being sick. I am sick of having to have an internal battle about whether it’s okay to eat or not. I just want to eventually get to a place where I can eat normally with others and have minimal anxiety around it.

XOXO Anna

Jobs, A Jealous Ex, Family Get Togethers, and Moving On Up

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I know I haven’t posted in what seems like forever, but that’s because I have been working at my new job! I am a waitress at this diner, and I’ve been in training and tomorrow is my first day as a real waitress. When in training I didn’t get the tips from the tables I worked so tomorrow I will actually be making tips! Kinda really excited!

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Also the other night we got together at a bar, Cody, me, his mom, his sister and brother. His grandparents were supposed to come but they didn’t. But when Cody’s siblings left, Cody and me stayed behind to hang out with his mom and we ended up having an awesome time. Cody’s mom said she loves me! Cody’s mom approves of me!! Seriously happy about that. Also Cody’s mom never liked Cody’s ex who we will call…Siena, so that made me happy too. AND Cody’s mom told us that Cody’s breathing issues could be genetic, so she said if Cody and I planned to have kids to look into that. All I would need is two shots during the pregnancy, but again, the fact that his mom talked about him and me having kids must mean she approves and everything. She said she really likes us together!!! Sorry just super happy from that night!

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Also side note to what I’m talking about above, Cody’s ex Siena, has been really talking to him a lot and wanting to get together with him. Also there is proof that she is trying to make him doubt Cody and I. So for me, since I’ve had bad experiences with girls in the past, I got really upset. Usually in the past, if any girl wanted a guy I was after or had, I usually just walked away the second they showed interest because I knew they would “win”. So this was the first time I actually stood up and fought back and stayed instead of walking away. I told Cody that if she kept contacting him that much that he needed to tell her to give him some space. He respected that. THAT meant the world to me. Because I don’t deal well with manipulative bitches. Yes there’s anger. I apologize but I don’t take well to a girl trying to make the guy doubt me. I would post the pics of the conversation but then it gives identities away so I’ll just re-type the convo so you guys know what I mean.

(these conversations are anywhere from the first month of dating to last week. I’ll start off with the conversations that were earlier in our relationship and below are all gifs of the emotions I’ve experienced due to Siena)

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[Back in the summer when I was in treatment]

Siena: Can you text me later when your not with Anna? I want to ask you something but it’s kinda personal.

Cody: ok

[later]

Siena: I just wanted to ask if your getting really serious with Anna…like I know it’s None of my business and you don’t have to tell me. But have you had sex with her?

Cody: yeah, we are getting really serious and I’ve already considered a long term relationship with her. And yes, we have had sex.

Siena: Okay I was just curious because it seemed like you were getting serious

————

Okay so my side note on that convo is that it truly was NONE of her business. Whether Cody and I had had sex is between CODY AND ME. Not her. So I wasn’t too happy when I knew Cody told her. That was the first time that Siena really upset me and it made me feel uncomfortable.

—————

[maybe month two of Cody and my relationship]

Siena: How’s Anna?

Cody: She’s good. I’m about to go on break with her.

Siena: What do you mean go on break with her?

Cody: I’m going on break right now to go to lunch with her.

Siena: Oh hahah I thought you meant like vacation

—————

This one my friend back from GA thought was really funny. She told me this was her favorite because Siena thought Cody meant break as in break up. Sorry sweetie but that ain’t happening.

———————

[week or so later]

Siena: How’s Anna?

Cody: She’s good

Siena: That’s good. Do you wanna hang out tomorrow around 11 or 12?

Cody: I got work in (location) 😦

Siena: Aww okay haha

———————————-

[week later]

Siena: Morning 🙂

Cody: Good morning

Siena: Whattchaaa doing

Cody: I’m with Anna and I’m about to go to work

———–

So I am sorry but NO ONE texts “Morning :)” to someone unless they’re in a relationship with that person. I never even did that with Cody (because he was always over) but with all my other relationships they would always text me “Morning :)” because what does a morning text say???? That when I wake up you’re who I’m thinking about. You’re the first thing I think of in the morning. So wasn’t happy about that. But Cody does admit she is getting jealous.

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[When I gave Cody that surprise in the ferrari]

Siena: How are you and Anna?

Cody: We’re doing well, we’re gonna have a nice dinner tomorrow night and she’s got a surprise planned for me on sunday. I have no idea what we’re gonna do.

Siena: That sounds like a lot of fun. Where are you going to dinner? Is it like an anniversary or something?

Cody: No, she just wanted to do something nice.

Siena: Do you have any idea what the surprise is?

Cody: No, she says there’s two things we’re gonna do. I have no idea.

Siena: Let me know if it’s not too personal what she does hahah

——————–

I don’t like the last thing she said but it’s whatever.

—————————-

[month or so ago]

Siena: Cody are you really happy with Anna (8:38 pm)

Siena: You seem it and I’m really happy for you 🙂 (8:43 pm)

Cody: I really am thanks for asking 🙂

Siena: Good I’m glad 🙂

—————-

This one I put in because the time stamp in which Siena texted those two things shows that she got nervous when Cody didn’t reply, so she had to go and seem like she was happy for us.

——————–

[last week first day of my job]

Siena: Hey

Cody: Hey

Siena: What’s up

Cody: At home depot, getting paint what’s up with you?

Siena: hahahah right across the street. I’m at the preschool.

Cody: haha oh cool

Siena: I get out in like 10 minutes. Wanna meet somewhere? haha

—————————

Yeah wasn’t too happy to come home from work to know that.

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Anyways, I sent all those texts to my friend in GA and she understand how girls work and she was laughing when she read them. She says that my worries about Siena being jealous and trying to plant seeds of doubt are reasonable. Also her roommate totally agreed with me that the girl was like way too into Cody and I and there had to be an ulterior motive.

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Cody, once I got the courage to tell him all this and make my case, agreed with me too. Cody agrees she is jealous. But Cody thinks Siena is too stupid to be able to manipulate. I told him it was subconscious or it was inadvertent. He agreed. That’s when I told him if she keeps texting him to hang out or about Cody and me that he needs to tell her to give him some space, because in all honesty it’s making me uncomfortable.

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And my friend in GA even knew that I had kinda cut back on talking with Ethan (my first love). How did she know that? Maybe Ethan told her? But seriously I gave up a lot of contact with Ethan and other guys because I knew it made Cody uncomfortable, so I figured the least he could do is do the same for me. Also when Ethan was with his next girlfriend after me, he told me to give him space so he could see if he and that girl could be together and work things out. Did I take offense? As a friend no, I totally got that. But because I honestly still deep down wished he wanted me, yeah that part of me wasn’t happy but I got it. And I truly care about Ethan, so if I care, I’ll give him space and let him do what he needs to do. That’s a true friend. I didn’t play the whole jealous ex thing. I did as Ethan asked and respected it.

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But anyways, I totally got side tracked with that. Cody was at Home depot because he and I are not moving out of the house, but moving into the attic of my parents house. Our attic has a bedroom, bathroom, and hang out room, so it’s like a mini apartment or suite. It’s really nice, but it really does need to be painted.

Last night was pretty rough though. Cody and I weren’t on the same page about things plus I got triggered. Not a fun night. I even said to Cody that I was giving him an out, as in here’s another chance to leave with no hard feelings, but he said he didn’t want it, that all he wanted was me… so that was really fucking sweet. But we’re good now. I still can’t believe his mom likes me so much! That makes me happy, and I want to hang out with her because she is really fun! Plus Cody hung out with my mom the other day. He works for my parents company and so my mom told him to join her to go Maserati car shopping with her. I was so jealous! But yeah, I’m glad my mom likes Cody. I’m glad that my family likes Cody and that his family likes me! In my past relationships that’s never happened so I’m happy about that.

Anyways, hope everyone’s having a good day and I will try to actually blog more, just I haven’t had time lately.

XOXO Anna

Distractions

With The Case going on I abso-fucking-lutely need as many distractions as possible. Cody has been a great one, and so has school.

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Though I’m not a fan of the amount of sociology reading I have. It seems endless, and it’s boring me at the moment. My abnormal psychology reading isn’t as bad because so far it’s been a refresher for me. I also have some law reading which I am nervous to even open the book for fear of finding something completely and utterly dry to read.

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Cody actually started his homework the other night! It was pretty big for him since in the past he just didn’t do his homework. My goal is that we get that one assignment finished tonight at some point. I just hope we don’t distract each other, which totally happened the other night. Though I stayed more focused than he did.

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My sister has made contact with us and she wants us to send her clothes and money. I am seriously sad and possibly very likely depressed because I feel like I’ve lost my sister. I am doing whatever I can to keep my mood up (in a healthy way, not in a bad coping skills way). But it’s been really hard. I’ve wanted to self-harm a lot since she’s been gone. But thinking of Cody and his reaction keeps me from acting on it. I hope it stays that way. I would hate to let myself and Cody down.

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I just feel like I am going stir-crazy with being in my house so much. It just reminds me of the fact that my sister isn’t here. Plus October is coming up and Halloween is my favorite holiday and it was our holiday. We would always go all out for halloween and decorating the house. I told mom to prepare for the house to be decorated but my mom doesn’t want me too, which isn’t happening. I need it to be festive around the house. I need it to seem like things are normal. We all can’t spiral down into a hole of despair and stop living our lives. We need to just keep moving forward like everything is okay.

But seriously I can’t wait to start looking for halloween decorations and to take them out from the basement and start decorating!

Okay, enough of me distracting myself with blogging. I’ve got to get back to my boring sociology reading. I’ve only got two pages left… hope everyone else is having a good start to the school year!

XOXO Anna

Friend Visiting, Drunk Nights, and Jealousy

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My roommate from freshman year came to visit me this weekend. We have had so much fun catching up. I warn you guys that I’m tipsy/drunk while writing this. But last night we all went out to a bar that Cody likes. But stuff happened.

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Like…I didn’t write about this because honestly well, I just I am not one to believe in happy endings, but anyways so like a couple days ago I was late for treatment because Cody and I were talking and it was about marriage and the future and stuff. So last night I took a huge chance in talking about that,saying that on our wedding day he would be dancing with me, and Cody said something that was apparently a How I Met Your Mother reference, which I didn’t get so I got very hurt.

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I told him that he would have to dance with me on our wedding day, and he was like saying something like how his mom said that you’re not supposed to plan things if it’s longer than half your relationship or something, but it was a reference to Barney saying that to Ted or something. I didn’t get it and I was hurt. I got drunk and cried and called Hannah from treatment and talked to her before Cody got to me. Cody, my friend and I all went home. Cody and I talked and we were good.

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Tonight Cody went out to drink with his guy friends, a boys night, and yeah. I was nervous because they were doing a mile of drinking at every bar.  My friend has a boyfriend and he was being really insecure about everything, and I was like I get that. She and her boyfriend are so cute together though! My friend, she is totally into him, but he was sad because they hadn’t really seen each other all summer and he felt like she was here visiting just me instead of him. He lives like 20 min from my house, so I got to meet him. Hopefully tomorrow we all hang out before we do a double dinner date.

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But anyways, I invited Brian, that guy who Cody gets annoyed with because me and Brian like made out once two years ago. So Brian, my friend and I are hanging at my house drinking, talking and planning on watching Mission Impossible. Then Brian wanted to go out, so we went to the gay bar but because my friend wasn’t 21 we didn’t get in, so then we headed downtown and ran into Cody and the boys. Cody was not happy to see us all out. He marked his territory though (me) by kissing me and making out with me right in front of Brian. I didn’t mind it though.

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Brian, my friend and I all head back to the house and play ping pong, to which I got my ass handed to me, and then Brian went home. My friend and I stayed up talking about Cody and her BF and their issues and our issues. I texted Cody and he said he could drive himself home and didn’t need a ride, which is nice since I’m not able to drive at the moment. I am also exhausted.

Tomorrow should be a good day. Cody, my friend, me, and Cody’s friend are grabbing brunch. Then hopefully her BF can join all of us and we can do something before we all go out to dinner later.

XOXO Anna

Real Intimacy

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Last night Cody and I had sex. It was amazing, for both of us. But I’ve never been that intimate/close emotionally/physically with anyone in my fucking life. It was terrifying yet amazing and exciting, but it really was kinda crazy. Like afterwards my mind was racing a million miles a minute. I sat in the shower for a while, Cody I think fell asleep to my luck. He was all like, “If you’re not back in bed in five minutes I’m coming in to check on you.” I was probably in the shower for ten or more minutes. When I got back to my room Cody woke up and we talked because he knew I was off. Intimacy… it’s new to me. I was not used to that, but it was amazing, but scary, but… It was so overwhelming to me that I didn’t want to touch Cody because I was just scared. I explained why to Cody. He said he wanted me to be comfortable with the intimacy and with him and stuff. When we went to bed, I haven’t held onto someone so tightly since I lost my virginity to Monster.

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Cody gave me this journal, and this morning I was still trying to process last night, and I had to get up early to drive my dad somewhere, so while I was waiting for him to come back so we could go back home I wrote in the journal all my thoughts and feelings about last night. I then, because I still had processing to do, told my dad about it and he gave me good advice.

But wow. Probably still processing… But damn.

XOXO Anna

Wisdom Teeth Got Pulled

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I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday. Cody was awesome, he took me there and sat in the room with me while they put me under. Honestly if he didn’t go with me I would have freaked out ten times more worse. He of course took a video of me once the procedure was over. I don’t remember anything really. But Cody was AMAZING yesterday. We spent the whole day in my parents bed watching Dexter together. He took great care of me and was the best support. I’ve never had that and it really meant the world to me that he went to the dentist with me because I know how freaked out he gets about the dentist. I just feel so lucky to have him in my life.

Also the pain meds are nice. I’ve got like a super high script for ibuprofen and some hydrocodone (vicodin) which makes me really sleepy. Well, both meds make me sleepy but the hydocodone makes me very sleepy and in a strange state.

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I am basically going to try and relax and maybe nap today so when Cody gets out from work and we hang with his friend I won’t be so tired or out of it. His best friend who we’re hanging with tonight also just got his wisdom teeth out so we were planning on going to this coffee shop and then the bar after because Cody wants to go to a bar haha.

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But yeah, so I’m curled up on the downstairs couch, watching TV while wearing Cody’s hat, wrapped in his childhood blankie with his favorite stuffed animal from his childhood that he gave me named Leppy. So I am pretty damn happy and content. 🙂

Hope everyone’s having a good friday!

XOXO Anna

Fun Brunch and More Family Stuff

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Cody and I went out to brunch. After I posted earlier today I took a shower, and I got a safety pin. I kinda started to cry, and I went over where I usually would cut, lightly once. That is usually enough to remind me to not cut. I did that and I didn’t cut. Thinking about Cody and his reaction was enough to keep me from doing it even though it’s what I wanted to do more than anything in those moments. No one’s ever been stronger than my addiction. I am hoping it stays like this, that if I ever do get that close, the thought of Cody and his reaction will keep me from doing it when I can’t convince myself. I told Cody and gave him the safety pin.

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We went to the bar and he got a beer and food and I had some coffee and food. One of his friends was there, like always, and it was nice to see and talk to him. Brunch was really fun and got my mood back up.

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I got home and explained why I wanted my food to be mine. My mom didn’t get it, and I told her I almost cut and she said I was overreacting, and I said that if Cody wasn’t in my life that it wouldn’t be a safety pin she needed to worry about, but a kitchen knife. She didn’t take me seriously and I just got annoyed and walked out to talk to my dad and explain. I apologized, my dad apologized. Things were good. My sister walked in the kitchen and I asked her if she got what I bought. She proceeded with opening the trash and showing me she threw it away.

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I’m now in my room, door locked, sad music playing, trying not to cry. I mean, I knew it was a possibility that she would throw it away, but I knew how much she loved the things I got, so I thought her love of those things would outweigh her hatred of me… I’ll be fine, but it hurt to have her tell me she threw it away and then open the trash, and rub it in my face.

Just another hour before Cody gets out of work and I get out of this house…

XOXO Anna

One Day At A Time

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I feel like I am on a tight rope, and I am trying to get across to the other side, but things keep coming up that make me lose my balance, and I almost fall. That’s how I feel. I feel like I am trying so hard to stay on track, but things are coming up and each one is like a gust of wind that makes me lose balance.

After Cody left for work my dad yelled at me about the kitchen. That really got to me. I mean, I was already having an emotional morning, fucking PMS, and yelling is really triggering I guess. I finished cleaning the kitchen and I went to my room and blasted sad music. Literally as the first tears began to fall, the cleaners got here. I get up, and decide I’m going to take a drive because the urge to self-harm is too intense.

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I’m blasting sad music, and driving- at a safe speed. Just making that clear because I do have a tendency to speed when I am upset. I know that I want to go to a certain gas station that has those certain lighters…but this self harm mood wants safety pins. I drive and am coming up on CVS where I planned to stop and buy a pack. But, Cody works right across the street. As I am driving up I look across the street and see his car. I look back to CVS and I pass by it. I couldn’t do it. I freaking couldn’t do it.

I really was almost going to do it. I wanted to SO freaking badly. Damn addictions. If I’m not restricting, it turns into self-harm, and if not either of those two it’s drinking. So fuck. I am trying my best to eat and I haven’t drank in a week, so I assume that’s why the urge to self-harm has been SO freaking intense.

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The urge has passed, or is at least manageable. But I am seriously annoyed because of how close I came. I gave my lighters and safety pins to Quick Silver on Valentine’s day. I’ve gone six months without self-harming. I can keep going. I want to keep going. It’s just this thing with my sister is…it’s depressing my whole family.

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Also, Serena texted me the other day asking if I could model for her. I said sure, and then she described what she wanted. She wants me in a “very very sheer dress” and wants me to wear a nude thong and no bra or a nude one and wants it to be at the train station downtown at either sunrise or sunset. That’s when I was like “uhhhhh” yeah no. I mean, I told her I would think about it, but I would rather wear something else. Cody was there when I got that text and he was not happy with it. So, see if I cut, then it would leave a mark, and then if I had to go over to see Serena and try on clothes, she would see it. I wouldn’t want her to see that. Though, she probably has seen my cuts before… don’t remember. But still, I don’t need anyone thinking I’m struggling. I also wouldn’t need Serena’s possible judgment.

There are many reasons I am staying strong and not self-harming.

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  1. This one may be stupid, but how awesome would it be if I could say I gave up self-harming on Valentine’s day? Valentine’s is about celebrating love, so why can’t it be self-love?
  2. I know how disappointed Quick Silver would be.
  3. Cody. I know he would be upset. I don’t want to upset him. I also don’t want him to think less of me or badly of me or rethink being with me (and I know those are irrational thoughts but can’t help it)
  4. It’s been six months! I want to keep it up and say I’ve gone seven months, or eight months, or a year without it.

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I am hoping the rest of my day gets better. I think the cleaners are gone now, which means my parents are supposed to be talking to my sister when they get back from lunch. I pray to the gods that goes well. I am going to make a snack or try to, or eat something… I am hungry. I mean, I honestly need to get better at meeting my exchanges. I am not doing it. I need to get better at it.

Hoping everyone else’s day is going better than mine!

XOXO Anna

Amazing Concert and Funny Parents

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Yesterday after treatment Cody, me, and his friend and girlfriend all went to the city to see Rise Against. Holy hell I haven’t had so much fun since GA when I was at school. I moshed and this time I didn’t get a concussion!

Cody did a great job at keeping me safe. His friend who we will call Drake and his girlfriend who we’ll call Claire, were so much fun! I really love the both of them. Such fun and great company. At one point Cody left to get me water. Drake got lost from Claire and I and a circle pit was forming, so we got out of there before we got caught up in that. When we went back we couldn’t find Cody but found Drake. Drake couldn’t find Cody either.

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We made it back to where we originally were in the pit and Claire got hit in the head. Drake took her out and I realized I was alone in the pit. It was like perfect timing because Cody appeared out of nowhere and I hugged him so hard. I told him I had been looking everywhere and couldn’t find him and that I was so glad I wasn’t alone in the pit before things got rough again.

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The train ride home was very interesting. Also we have a potential bowling date next week with them, so I’m super excited! There were some real fun moments and then moments when I was royally pissed at Cody, but I couldn’t stay mad at him for long. We made up and showered and went to bed. We got breakfast this morning which was nice.

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After getting breakfast with Cody I went over to my parents office. I was telling my mom all about the concert and telling her about how I hated being at the house because of the negative vibes from my sister. She interrupted me at one point and said, “I honestly was not sure what to expect when you got here. You never come to the office. I thought you were going to tell me that Cody and you wanted to get married or something.” I started laughing at that. My dad soon came in like five minutes after and he said, “Are you and Cody eloping, is that what you needed to come to work to tell us?” He was being sarcastic but it was funny since mom had just made her comment only minutes before.

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I then talked to them about how we needed to do something about my sister. I also talked to them about what I could possibly do at the business eventually which they aren’t sure of yet. Also talked school stuff. Now I’m making lunch, listening to music, while my sister is fucking pissed at me in the other room.

Hopefully the rest of my day goes well…fingers crossed!

XOXO Anna

Trying to Process…

There’s so much to write…at the moment I’m not exactly good. I am not in a good mental state, as in, I’m currently writing while I’ve been triggered to Monster. But before I get to that, let’s start with last night.

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Last night I had a friend come over while Cody was here. We got to catch up and talk and it was nice. Then Cody and I went to the gay bar to meet up with people. Serena was there, and we talked and we seem to be on better terms. I was drinking and having fun, dancing with Cody’s friends. There was a point in the night where I couldn’t find Cody. It was after one of his drunken friends was dancing with me a little… too closely I guess. I just felt like Cody wouldn’t have been cool with it, and I couldn’t find him. I eventually gave up and kept dancing. I later found out Cody had left the bar because one of his friends took him for a ride in his nice car. That… I don’t know. I guess I would have liked to know Cody was going to leave rather than freak out because I couldn’t find him and feel scared.

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Last night is kind of foggy because of I guess emotions and how emotional I eventually got. Things tend to blur when I get over emotional ever since my trauma’s.

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I eventually found Cody and got him on the dance floor and everyone was having fun. I don’t remember how Cody left the dance floor but he did. I remember later that night Cody was outside the gay bar with friends, while two of his guy friends were with me on the dance floor. We were having fun until it got a little too close for comfort. One guy in front of me, the other behind me, both grinding up on me. I knew Cody would not be happy with that. It made me feel uncomfortable. I got out of it after a bit and I did tell Cody.

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As people were leaving, Cody and I were going to leave. One of his girl friends, she tried to kiss me before I left. I pulled away. Cody’s mouth dropped open and begged me to kiss her. That made me feel like fucking crap. I got really angry with him. The girl friend understood where I was coming from when I told her I didn’t want to kiss her. There are many reasons I didn’t kiss her.

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  1. To me it’s cheating. I don’t care if its a guy trying to kiss me or a girl. If I do anything physical with another person it’s cheating.
  2. Cody was watching. It felt… gross. It brought up a lot of Ethan memories. (Ethan once had a chance at a threesome while we were together after Peter. He didn’t take it, but knowing that that was his fantasy made me always feel like I was never enough, so last night brought out those emotions)
  3. What if I ended up liking it? Not that it would be a bad thing, but when in a relationship there’s a reason you don’t do things like that. It can seriously fuck up a relationship.

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Cody and I talked. He apologized. I was definitely off when we got back to my house. I think we talked again a little. We were then in a good place, and we had sex. But see this time was different. Way different. The first time I felt this was when I wrote this post. That night it really hit me that I couldn’t just push away emotions and stuff.

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But last night, when Cody and I were having sex, well, let’s just say last night was my favorite time. Not to say all the other times weren’t awesome, but last night… it felt…special. And yeah, I feel like  a stupid sap for writing that and feeling that, but it was really different. Maybe because we made a lot more eye contact, or that we were talking during sex. I mean, I enjoyed that. It did make it feel more intimate. More like I’m a person. There were things said by Cody and it just…it made it so much…more meaningful. Knowing his thoughts and feelings while having sex, I mean, can it get any better than that?

I’ll mention only one thing that he said, because the other stuff, that’s just for me. I don’t want to share that with anyone else. But he told me, while we were having sex, that it wasn’t just sex, it was ….making love. *shudders*

Don’t take that shudder as in I think it’s a bad thing. It’s so not. The fact he feels that way means …a lot. I’ve felt that way since that post I wrote about my feelings that I linked earlier in this post.

See, the whole making love thing…it brings up a lot for me. Hence why I got so… idk. Hearing him say that, while having sex, well that just blew my mind. I just don’t want anyone to think I’m cheesy for the whole making love thing versus sex. It’s true though. There is a huge fucking difference between sex and making love, at least to me. Sex is sex. It’s meaningless. It’s exercise. Making love… that’s intense. Passionate. Caring. Respectful. Meaningful.

Cody finished and I didn’t. I went to the bathroom because I was seriously emotional. See, I read somewhere that what someone says during sex is meaningless because it’s said in the heat of the moment and the person may not mean what they’re saying. So, with everything Cody did say to me during sex, and with that thought that it could have been meaningless, that got me down. I was going to finish myself, and Cody came in and he said he would try and help me get there. I just couldn’t get that thought out of my head that what was said could have been meaningless so I told Cody I just didn’t want to finish.

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Cody knew something was up with me. I honestly couldn’t voice what was going on in my head for a long time. The fear of judgement or rejection just paralyzed me. I didn’t want to be looked at as emotional, and a girl, and weak, or stupid or anything else negative. I just was scared. Emotions are scary at times, as I’ve probably written many times on my blog. I eventually got Cody to figure it out because I wasn’t going to just fucking say it, I couldn’t. He got there and assured me he meant it all. That made me feel better. The reason I was so scared was because I didn’t want to hear that what he said wasn’t true, because I let myself believe it was true, until I remembered what I read about people saying things they don’t mean during sex. But it was nice to know that Cody meant everything.

We ended up going to bed at 5 AM and Cody had work today. We woke up at 9:30 this morning and went out for breakfast. I was quiet during breakfast because there were so many thoughts going through my head. I was re-playing events from last night in my head, trying to process it all. Still trying, as I’m writing this.

Breakfast this morning, Cody ate. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but he struggles to eat, not because of an eating disorder, but because he gets nauseous easily. He ate everything on his plate. I was happy that he finally was able to eat. I ate half my belgian waffle. We were driving back to my house, and Cody said he felt like he was going to puke. I asked if he needed me to pull over and at first he said no, then at a stop light he said yes. I pulled into a parking lot parked the car and Cody got out and started puking.

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That triggered me beyond belief. I had to turn my music up loud because I was triggered. I stupidly looked at Cody when he first bent over and puked. After that I was a goner. I shut my eyes, covered my ears with my hands, blasted the music and prayed for it to be over soon. If you’ve read my posts about Monster, you will know that before Monster raped me I puked. I also once was having a flashback back at school after a party one night and a friend started puking and it made my flashbacks worse. I didn’t know where I was. It was scary. So, every time I see or hear someone puke I get crazy triggered. Plus, I have anorexia, so seeing someone eat so well and then puke it up so soon after just kind of made me scared and uncomfortable.

I don’t blame Cody at all nor am I upset at him. I just feel bad that he felt so sick. I wish he hadn’t. But I am doing okay, now as I’ve written everything out. But for a while I just was so scared after the puking. I mean, Cody opened the door and touched me and I screamed. He was just asking me to get him some water, but that’s how triggered I was. Cody was late for work today, and I really hope he doesn’t get chewed out. I feel bad about that. Also with the puking, it made me want to puke, not because I wanted to get rid of food, but because seeing someone puke or hearing it makes me feel so sick. I knew though if I puked, then I’d … I don’t know, freak out even more than I already was.

So this morning hasn’t been the best… but I am doing better. I am watching Dexter right now to try to relax. I just hope Cody feels okay.  Gosh, so much has happened within the past 24 hours. Trying to process it all. Allow myself to feel. Cody helps a lot though with that. The fact that he voices his feelings, wishes, thoughts, desires, plans first makes me feel comfortable with acknowledging to myself I feel that, and then it allows myself to accept I feel it, and then I finally gather the courage to voice my feelings. So it’s a process to get me to the point where I can say what I’m feeling, but with Cody always taking lead, it really helps me. I mean, I get he knows a lot about relationships and healthy relationships and what they are supposed to be like. I am still learning what a healthy relationship is supposed to be and what it feels like. I am glad he is teaching me though.

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Sometimes I just feel like an abused puppy from an animal shelter though because I can be so skittish or shy or cautious. It took my dog Rusty a year to finally accept that we loved him and weren’t going to hit him. Abuse can really take a toll on the soul. It takes time, and reassurance, and consistency to finally break free from all the fear that one has from an abusive past. I am just glad that Cody is so good at reassuring me, and doesn’t get annoyed with me, and that he is consistent! Consistency truly is key with me, and the fact that he is consistent is probably one of the reasons why I have come this far with my progress regarding relationships, emotions, and trust.

XOXO Anna

Impressed

Yesterday we had Multi-Family group at treatment. Cody went again, and I am so happy he did! The things that were mentioned in that group were things that I am glad Cody was able to be there to hear. We talked about a lot of different topics, but I am glad that certain girls mentioned some things about what it’s like in our heads and our thought processes. One girl mentioned the whole thigh gap thing. I personally wasn’t as interested in that topic because I already knew that it is genetics that allow one to have one or not, and I’ve pretty come come to accept that. What interested me was that one girl, who is awesome, mentioned what it’s like to walk down the street and pass girls.

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We all agreed that we compare. We will judge. We will be mean. Our thoughts can either be of jealousy, or they can be putting the girl down. I am not proud that I think like that at times, but at the same time, we all think of other girls as competition. Competition was a huge theme that was talked about. We are all very competitive people and we talked about healthy competition versus unhealthy competition.

We also talked about the fact that all of us tend to not have girl friends because, let’s all be honest here, girls can be catty bitches at times. Girls can be ruthless and mean. I grew up living Mean Girls. There’s a reason I stay clear of girls. I don’t want to be put down. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to have to change to fit in. I rather be with a group of guys who accept me for me.

Later in the evening Cody and I went out for food. I was drinking because I wanted to. I wasn’t sure if I would remember all the sweet things that were said. Cody ended up writing what he said in a note on my phone and this is what he wrote. P.S. made names of his friends into first initial to keep anonymous:

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You had such a good time with my friends while I was LARPing and I wanted you to know that that was because they aren’t just my friends. They are now your friends too. They really do like having you around and they are genuinely your friends. I know that Quick Silver and Andy would do anything for you but they are in GA, but while you’re here you have a fucking army of great friends who would always protect you for me. J, M, A, R, F, S, and all my friends you’ve met really do like you and should make you feel safe whenever you’re with them. J alone could protect you from anyone who tries anything on you. But the most important thing is that they are also you’re friends as well as mine and they really do enjoy you hanging out with them. You know that cause they asked you to hangout even though I was not there.

At Fin, we were talking about psych stuff. I was telling you how I think of you. When I think if you, your personality and who you are and your problems are two completely different and separable things. When I think of you and why I love you so much, your problems don’t even come to mind. I love you for who you are. Your problems do effect who you are but it damn well doesn’t mean that is who you are. Experience is the best teacher and with everything you’ve experienced, you have taken so much from it. That’s what makes you so strong. As much as it affects you, you look at it from a 3rd person view and take from it the lessons you need to grow. You learn from everything you’ve been through and that’s how you have become so intelligent about what’s going on and why you’re so strong. You were very impressed by the way I thought because we think in very similar ways. I explained how even though I say bad things about Ethan, I do realize that it is bad and that being this jealous of the guy who has been the best relationship you’ve had before me but how my irrationality has taken over but how I at least realize that it is happening.

How fucking sweet is this??

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But yeah, it was nice to read that and for him to tell me again this morning. I’ve never had anyone in my life since college started that saw me and my problems as separate. I love that Cody sees that I am not what happened to me. That means the world. I mean, I’m sure Quick Silver and Andy didn’t think like that, but I just…Ethan and all my old friends, they for sure just saw me as my problems, at least that’s the vibe I got.

Anyways, having a good day so far. Had breakfast with Cody. I’m going to take Luvas to the vet to get his paw checked out because he won’t walk on it and then I might go hiking with one of the girls from treatment. Later Cody and I will go to open mic night and then maybe Karaoke at the bar.

Hope everyone’s having a good day 🙂

XOXO Anna

Ignorance About Treatment

I came home today and had bought a box of pasta, ice cream, and smart food. I had some ice cream because I was craving it. I mentioned to my mom I might want food later and she asked what I needed. Of course she started with “do you need string beans?” Maybe she said it innocently, but to me, it was not innocent. I finish snacking on my ice cream and I shower.

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I come downstairs to blog and relax and mom mentions something about me and Cody eating out all the time. She then starts asking why Cody and I always eat together. I start getting angry. I tell her to back off and leave it alone. She won’t drop it. I tell her it’s nice to eat out with Cody. I tell her it’s easier on me, it means I don’t have to make my meals. She says she can make my dinner, and Cody can go to his house and eat dinner at his house. She asks what Cody did to eat before he met me.

There are many reasons I like to eat with Cody.

  1. It’s fun
  2. He is supportive, and will help me with the meal if he sees me struggling
  3. I don’t have to prepare a meal (because making meals is anxiety provoking enough for me to just skip eating)

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I told my mom to back off and let Cody and I eat meals together. I told her she can’t talk about my treatment or my eating since she hasn’t been apart of this round of recovery. Cody has, and dad has. Those are the only two who can make a comment on eating and what might be beneficial.

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I am really annoyed at my mom. I am angry, mainly because, to me, having her say that Cody and I should eat separately, is essentially saying to me that she is taking support away from me. She is making meals harder. I know that’s not what she intends. I know that she believes that, actually I don’t know.

I’ll apologize to her for yelling, but I honestly, if she starts with talking about my meals and food again, I am walking out of the room. Cody and dad have gone to the Family groups. They have been there to eat meals with me. Not mom. Not my sister.

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Well, now to enjoy a couple glasses of Proseco and pray things stay calm tonight.

XOXO Anna

Nightmares Always Do This…

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I don’t know if my last post sounded like I was fine, because I’m not. I went to shower after I posted and I just kinda cried a lot in the shower. Maybe PTSD stuff. I felt as if Owen had just happened. The amount of fear I felt and kinda still do feel is unnerving. I am super anxious right now, my mom made me take this homeopathic thing to relax. I am so not okay. Like fucking hell I’m feeling so scared.

My dad analyzed my dream and said, “You’re dream is telling you that if you don’t continue to face the Owen memories you will be married to them and never move on.”

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It makes sense. Next therapy session I have I’ll tell her we are going to do EMDR. It’s true, I knew I should be doing it lately, but was just kind of happy I wasn’t having to face all the memories, but this fucking dream makes me realize I do have to get back to EMDR.

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The worst part of all this is that I felt like I lost all the progress I just made. I feel scared to leave my house again. I feel scared to be intimate (physically speaking). I feel scared of just everything. I’m sure by the end of today it will pass, but right now I feel like a failure. I also kinda feel alone, even though my dad and mom are here. Like I am so mad because I wanted to self harm SO badly… That’s how bad my dream affected me. I was really debating on whether or not to go find a safety pin in my moms closet because she has them in her sowing box. I knew if I did, Quick Silver would be seriously disappointed in me, and Cody would too. So I stayed strong, but still… the last hour or so was fucking torture in my mind.

Not a good sunday…

XOXO Anna

Worst Nightmare

My nightmare started off with me going to English class. It was strange it was set in my high school building, part of it, and I sit down for english and I look to see my teacher is Owen. I sit there in shock and then there was some assignment and Owen didn’t like mine. It was obvious he treated me differently than the other students.

Then time skipped or locations skipped. I think I was still on campus, but something happened to the world. I don’t know what, but it was in chaos and things weren’t good, kinda almost post apocalyptic maybe… but all the girls were having to go get assigned to a man who they were to marry.

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I was in line and I wrote down my anonymous blog name “Anonymous Anna XOXO.” I put that in the basket, and when it was pulled I was called forward and was told I was going to be marrying Owen. Somehow they knew he had raped someone, but they thought it was a different girl, so they made sure she didn’t end up with him. Once a name is pulled you can’t go back and I tried explaining that the other girl wasn’t the one he raped, but it was me. They said sorry, and sent me forward to go meet him to get married.

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Jesus Fucking Hell! What in the world made me dream of Owen and what in the hell made me dream that I’m marrying him? Maybe marriage was in the dream because of my mom and Gabby talking about in ten years and Ethan and shit. But I wasn’t even thinking of Owen yesterday, or a couple days previous.

I am totally creeped out by my dream. I would hope to the gods that if I ever get married I wouldn’t be marrying someone so terrible and scary. I mean, yeah marriage would be awesome to have one day but if I ever ended up marrying someone like Owen I would fucking like run away.

The worst part in my dream was that when I was assigned to marry him I knew I was about to have a life of getting abused and possibly killed because I had reported him. In the dream Owen definitely treated me differently, he treated me with passive aggressive anger and I knew he was angry at me for reporting him.

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So glad to be awake and realize I have an amazing boyfriend who treats me with respect.

XOXO Anna

Relaxing and Nostalgia

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I spent the whole day watching Dexter. Watching Dexter always seems to relax me when things are not the best. I swear when I was going through all of the shit I went through at school Dexter was my savior. There are so many things I can relate to in Dexter. Dexter is Ethan and I am Deb. It’s actually funny. I couldn’t believe how much Dexter and Ethan were alike when I met him. As I watched Dexter I realized just how similar I was to Deb. I think I like watching Dexter because there are specific scenes throughout the series between Dexter and Deb or Deter and Rita where I’m like, “That was Ethan and me.”

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Seeing Gabby and talking with her about everyone really makes me miss my old school. I wanna visit so bad now… she told me to check out Jetblue flights because those are cheap and around $250. My dad said he didn’t want to pay much more than $200 so maybe I can see if he will let me visit… but I probably won’t.

I texted Ethan a while ago to see if he wanted to Skype later. I haven’t skyped him or any of my other friends in ages. I skyped Ethan’s sister like two weeks ago, so I am way overdo to Skype Ethan and my other friends. I’ve wanted to ask Quick Silver or Andy about skyping but I’ve been too scared of them saying no or getting rejected in some way…

XOXO Anna

Negativity and a Half Way Fun Night

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Fuck everyone right now. The negativity is drowning and suffocating me. Last night one of my friends from my old life, who we’ll call Gabby, came from NYC to visit me. We went out to a Japanese restaurant that I love! I ate though before she got there, so I didn’t eat at the restaurant. We talked a lot. Ethan was a hot topic of conversation. More like, Ethan and me. I had just had this conversation with my mom and I was a bit annoyed. 

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Gabby thinks in 10 years Ethan and I would still be a possibility. I laughed. She says there’s always that possibility because nothing is set in stone right now. She also told me that Spring Quarter he was dating this tinder girl who was my exact look alike. She said something subconscious had to be going on there, because she and Dean both mentioned it to him and he didn’t even realize it. I thought that was funny!

Eric has been dumped by Ethan, Gabby, and Dean and the gang. That makes me happy! Also Eric’s life has gone downhill which makes me oh so fucking happy! He deserves shit! Sorry, a bit of anger coming out. But Gabby was telling me about the fact that she thinks that Cody and I won’t last. I was pissed…to say the least. I was telling her all about him, and how he said I love you and how he thinks longterm with me and she was like, “I give it six months.”

I was not happy. I was trying to remain calm. “So did you and Ethan and Dean all bet on Cody and I like you did with Eric?”

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They didn’t bet, but they all were shitting on Cody. They all said I could do better which angered me… I was very angry. Like… it just was bad. I took Gabby’s phone from her when she was texting Ethan about Cody and stuff, and I like told Ethan off. Ethan replied with he wasn’t shitting on Cody but just made a comment. Like, Gabby told Ethan that my mom was saying how she thinks Ethan and I aren’t like over. I was so angry that she told Ethan that! Totally humiliated beyond belief because we are and I don’t want Ethan thinking about all that. Gabby also told Ethan that Cody is the nicest guy I’ve met since Ethan, and that Cody is good for me. Ethan was glad to be remembered as the nice guy and not a push over.

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Gabby and I also talked about Ethan and my relationship and how if Peter, the guy who sexually assaulted me, didn’t happen, Ethan and I could have still been together. I am not so sure about that though. With everything I’ve been through, I realize that yes, Ethan was a good guy, but I wouldn’t be able to be with him like that. Ethan is way better as a friend. Romantically he…has a lot to learn and can’t meet my emotional needs. Even as a friend sometimes Ethan can’t meet the emotional need. It’s nothing against him, it’s just Ethan is like Dexter. Emotionally challenged.

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But then Gabby and I went to the bar, and we ran into one of Cody’s friends on the way and he said he was going to join us in a bit. Gabby and I continued talking. I kept defending Cody. We then went to the coffee shop and chilled until Serena was going to get there. I invited Brian to join also. Figured the more people the better.

But as we left the bar to go to the coffee shop there were these two guys outside and we were just walking and then one of them is following us and getting our attention. He tries to ask where the good locations around here are for fun. I said the bar we were just at and two other places. He then proceeded to ask for our numbers, and wanted to know what we were doing and join us. I was totally fucking creeped out. Terrified. The guy, noticing we didn’t really know how to respond asked if Gabby and I were together, which Gabby jumped on and said we were a couple. The guy apologized and told Gabby she had a gorgeous girlfriend.

This is the second time Gabby and I have had to pretend we are a couple. The first time was back at school at this bar. I was underage at the time, and we got in. There was this way older guy, maybe Owen’s age. I think he had to be thirty. Anyways, so he talks to me, and offers to get me a drink in exchange for a dance. I agree. Gabby is still on the dance floor and I’m at the bar with the guy. He gets me a drink and he starts talking to me and wanting to dance. Gabby comes over and grabs my hand and pulls me away. We went to the other side of the place and Gabby was like, “I was just talking to that girl over there. She’s an undercover cop and told me to get you away from that guy because there have been guys going here and spiking girls drinks. I told her we were a couple. So just let’s dance and stay away from those guys over there.”

Whenever Gabby and I hang out I never get into trouble. That’s always nice, so it was cool knowing that she was there last night and I felt confident nothing bad would happen to us.

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But we went back to the bar and those creepy guys were there and we got our drinks and sat with Serena and her friend. Brian didn’t know where the bar was so I told him I’d meet him at the coffee shop when he got there. So the conversation consisted of more shitting on Cody. I was fuming at this point. I couldn’t believe how fucking bullshit the night started. I was texting Cody’s best friend and telling him I just needed to talk to him once we got to the gay bar later. Serena was telling Gabby how controlling and possessive Cody was. Serena hates the fact that Cody just takes my phone to look at a conversation I’m having or brought up old stuff. Cody and I have an agreement that if either one of us is jealous or uncomfortable that we can look at the conversation. I don’t mind that Cody takes my phone to look at the conversation. I want to let him know there’s nothing to hide, and that everything is okay.

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Serena is just so not into Cody and I. Her friend even was jumping in and commenting. Gabby was commenting. I was pissed. I was defending Cody, telling them that I’ve talked to him about the jealousy thing and we are handling it. They weren’t satisfied. Luckily Brian texted me so I said I had to go get him.

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I saw Brian outside the coffee shop and told him how shitty my nights been and Brian was saying sorry and that he can’t speak about Cody because he’s only spent time with him twice. See! That’s what you’re supposed to say! Hold judgements until you get to know a person! For fucks sake.

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We get back to the bar, continue drinking and then we all head over to the gay bar. I see all of Cody’s friends and great them and make small talk. We go inside and Serena wants us to do shots. I did two shots of fireball within five minutes. Then later I got another. We all hit the dance floor. Cody’s best friend got there. I mentioned the jealousy thing and he assured me it would blow over with time, which I already figured. But yeah, so Cody’s best friend and I danced and Serena made a comment to me once we were all outside taking a breather.

“Dude, he was handsy with you,” Serena said.

“Um, he is Cody’s best friend, the only guy Cody trusts. Just because me and him danced, and he put his hands on my hips, doesn’t mean shit. Again, only reason I’m dancing with him is because that is the only guy Cody trusts,” I explained.

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Serena didn’t like it. She also commented on my outfit earlier in the night and was like, “I’ve never seen you wear such little clothing, you’re not wearing anything.”

That made me feel shitty and slutty. I hate that. I, since my old life, haven’t had the confidence to dress up like that. Owen kind of took that away from me. I was happy that I had my confidence back in how fucking awesome I look. She made me feel like crap about that…

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But yeah Serena royally pissed me the fuck off last night. Like I am so fucking pissed. She can’t comment on Cody and my relationship. It’s not her place. It’s between Cody and I. Me and Cody are handling things. Yes Cody gets jealous, who the fuck doesn’t???? Like seriously! Just because him reading my conversations occasionally makes her uncomfortable doesn’t mean it makes me uncomfortable. Again, Cody and I made an agreement. If Cody was taking my phone without that agreement, then yeah, I’d be pissed and take note of that. But we have an agreement, so there’s not a fucking problem.

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Serena was also shitting on how Cody said that he loves me and she was like “it’s too short a time” and bullshit like that. I haven’t told her I love him too because I don’t need to get verbally attacked too. It’s just not positive or helpful at all.

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But once we were all at the gay bar, I did have fun dancing my sexy ass off on that pole. Cody’s best friend was also dancing on the pole which was so funny. But seriously we all had fun. Serena is just… I don’t know. I told my mom about it and she was like, “Serena is becoming toxic for you.”

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That sucks to hear, but again, like she is totally out of line. Also my mom was telling me to ignore all my friends because she was like, “Listen to Cody’s friends. They are the ones who really know him. They all tell you that they haven’t seen him this happy, and that you two are good. Listen to them, not your friends who barely know Cody.”

That was nice to hear. Finally something positive! But just… I’m angry. Angry that people aren’t having faith in Cody and me as a couple. I am doing my best to have faith and it’s hard when people are telling you otherwise.

Also now I know how Captain America must have felt when he was with me. See, when we were together, all his friends hated me. So I get now how he must have felt and it’s shitty.

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But seriously, as Debra once said, “What the fuck is going on today?” I am serious like what the fucking hell is going on with everyone?! Like why are they bringing up Ethan and me? Like why?!?!?! It’s been over for two and a half to three years for fucks sake! I am just pissed that Gabby, every time we talk about Ethan, she’s like, “You never know. Ten years down the line you two could work.” Like no! Fuck that for fucks sake Jesus fucking fuck! Sorry I just…Ethan can be a sensitive topic to say the fucking least for me. Our history is quite… complicated. Like Gabby, Ethan, and the gang, I love them all and miss them. I honestly am so sad that I’m not going to be back at my old school just for the fact that I won’t be seeing them everyday.

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But honestly, my mom and Gabby need to drop their delusional thoughts on Ethan and me. Like don’t they get how badly Ethan hurt me? That’s not even including Ethan questioning whether Monster raped me. I’m just talking about the god damn fucking break up! I know that Peter fucked Ethan up mentally. I get that Ethan couldn’t get past that, but for fucks sake it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t like one of the worst and most painful times in my life. I would NEVER get back together with Ethan, ever! Like there’s too much history. How do I forgive Ethan for some of the things? I can’t. I don’t think of Ethan in that way. It sucks that others just can’t get over it. Like seriously move on because I moved on like a hell of a while ago bitches.

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I just want it to be tomorrow afternoon so Cody is back. I just want to hug him. I know, lame, but I just want to be with him and cuddle or something…I just want some fucking positivity. Cody has been amazing. I don’t see where all the hate is coming from. Without Cody I would still be housebound, scared of every guy I see, having no hope for my future,  still being heartless and super cynical, and just not moving forward. I’d be stuck in the past with Owen. Cody has been amazing. He makes me happy, and he makes me feel safe, and he makes me feel loved! I haven’t had those in the longest time and I am so fucking thankful to have him in my life, so those haters out there can go fuck themselves.

Sorry for the long post, but I NEEDED to vent! I have no one to talk to about this since most people are being shit heads right now.

XOXO Anna

Dexter

I am really angry. I am relaxing, the whole day, watching Dexter, and I am sitting in the TV room minding my own business when my mom walks in and says, “Wow, if there was ever a double ganger of Dexter it’s Ethan.” I replied with, “I know, it’s funny that I met him after I started watching Dexter.”

My mom sits down because I invite her to sit. She starts talking and it all goes down hill from there.

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She says a comment about Ethan, one of nostalgia and I sigh knowing where this is about to go. It always goes here.

“You still love Ethan?” mom says.

“Mom, stop. I’m not getting back together with Ethan. Me and Ethan are never getting back together you need to get over that. Do I care about him? Yes. But I do not love him romantically,” I said.

“I don’t know why I think that. Why do I always go back to him?” my mom asked.

“I can’t answer that. But you do need to get over that,” I said.

“I think it’s because I got to know him and his family. There was a real connection.”

“Maybe. But seriously, you need to stop thinking about Ethan and me. It’s never going to happen.”

“I’m still not there with Cody,” mom confesses.

“Well, dad is. Why aren’t you there yet?” I ask.

“I haven’t gotten a chance to know him,” mom said.

I explained to her that she would get to know him. We talked about the one issue my dad thought could be a pitfall for Cody and I and I assured my mom I was committed. I hate that she questions me. My judgment. My choice of who I’m with. I love Cody. End of fucking story. I am doing my best with trusting Cody, letting him in, getting to know him, doing the whole relationship thing. The last thing I need is my mom putting doubts in my head! Like where does she get off with doing that?

She is more than willing to get to know Cody, and I hope to the fucking gods she does, because if I hear her get all nostalgic for Ethan I’m going to freaking scream. I hate it. I hate that she hasn’t gotten over Ethan and me. It fucking sucks. I don’t need to be reminded about how shitty Ethan and I ended the romantic relationship. I don’t need to be reminded of Ethan at all, actually. I am still trying my best to be friends with him even after that Monster comment.

I just had to vent, because yelling at my mom wouldn’t be helpful. But seriously, I want my mom to get on board with Cody. I think she will like Cody just as much as she liked Ethan, if not more, once she gets to see Cody and I interact and once she gets to know him more.

XOXO Anna