Therapy and Healing

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Cody and I went to therapy on friday to talk about all the things we either weren’t talking about or had miscommunications about. It helped for sure. We have a check up session in two 2 weeks. We also had amazing sex last night at my parents house in my bedroom. It brought back a lot of memories of when we were first together. Tomorrow marks a year of us meeting and then the 18th is when he asked me to be his girlfriend. We are trading gifts, but Cody hasn’t gotten his yet. I already have one of the two that I’m giving him. We also were going to get matching tattoo’s with our initial’s in the tattoo, like the one I got with my sister, but at the moment money is really tight, so we are putting that off until the end of the month or beginning of next month when we have the money, so that’s a gift we are getting together.

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Tomorrow I have to take Emily and Luvas to the vet, which is going to cost a lot, and then I’m baby-sitting that afternoon into the evening,and Cody and I will trade our first gift tomorrow night, and then the other on the 18th. But things are turning around for Cody and me.

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Also we’ve figured out I am better at finances than he is, since that is where most of the stress has been coming from. He just isn’t as organized as I am so I got this app Wally, which is a great app, and have folders and am keeping everything organized. This month so far we’ve spent more than normal because of getting gifts and other finances (like parking tickets) and stuff. Overall living together in our own place was originally strange, but I think we are getting used to the place and getting used to our new routine and communicating a lot better lately which is really helping. Seriously glad things are turning around for us!

XOXO Anna

Fucking Cheaters

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My god does no one know how to keep it in their pants? Or actually talk to their partner? Or like actually love their partner? My friend from SCAD, my roommate, she her boyfriend cheated on her twice, with two different girls. That’s what led them to breakup months ago and I’m just finding out about the cheating.

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Now Cody and I have two friends who have broken up because of the cheating. Plus a porn account requested to follow Cody’s instagram which brought up old wounds…which wouldn’t have been as bad if I hadn’t been talking about cheating with my friend. *sigh*

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Worst part is the guy who cheated on her, he is fucking not letting her go. He was holding her hand and putting his arm around her because he got jealous that she was moving on with another guy!

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I want to curl up under the covers, cry, and not come out because the world makes me sad.

XOXO Anna

Getting into the holiday spirit

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Today some of Cody’s gifts arrived and my mom is also wrapping presents too. Though my mom and I have been getting into disagreements lately, today has been nice spending time with her and wrapping presents.

Also last night’s hangout with Cody’s mom and her boyfriend went really well. Had lots of fun, and she even asked Cody for my cell number! I really hope I can hang out with her one on one sometime.

Hope everyone is enjoying getting ready for the holidays!

XOXO Anna

Change

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I quit my job because it was keeping me from eating, and I went back to treatment this week and it was hell, and I’m not going back next week.

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I would eat if they gave me foods I liked. Is it really that much to ask to sub Almonds for Honey mustard? (they both equal one fat exchange) Honestly it’s a little ridiculous that they won’t let you do that. I would have eaten the meal with minimal issues had they been able to sub that.

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I don’t take well to being “force fed”. When I was younger, I had a nanny who made food I hated and I wasn’t allowed to leave the table until my plate was clean. It was pretty traumatizing for me, and being in treatment where they won’t sub something as simple as a condiment, and they force me to eat it because at that low level of treatment you’re not allowed to have ensure is bullshit.

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So my mom and I looked into therapists that specialize in eating disorders. I find that the therapy groups of treatment are really beneficial but the treatment team forcing me to eat something I wouldn’t eat in my life outside of treatment is stupid. I mean, one therapist said, “What happens when you’re at a restaurant and you see a salad with craisins on it? Are you just not going to eat the craisins?”

When I told Cody this, he pretty much exploded with, “Why the fuck would you order salad with craisins on it at a restaurant if you don’t like craisins? It doesn’t make any sense.”

That’s true. Isn’t the point of treatment supposed to be getting the person to eat normally again? I am a picky eater, I admit to that. But if they gave me foods I actually like, or even a food I like in a different style that I haven’t had before I wouldn’t fight it. I would sit there and eat the meal. Sure I might have the anxiety I have, but it wouldn’t be unbearable.

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I am doing okay with my eating I think. I mean, do I have the urges to restrict? Oh HELL YEAH I DO. But I haven’t been doing it so much. I mean, I’ve been trying to eat through out the day. It’s hard though. Some days it’s as if I’m fine and other days someone has to sit down with me and eat with me. These days I’ve ben using music to deal with overwhelming emotions, so that’s more positive than other things I could be doing.

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I honestly hate anorexia and eating disorders in general. They can be so hard to overcome at times. I am sick of being sick. I am sick of having to have an internal battle about whether it’s okay to eat or not. I just want to eventually get to a place where I can eat normally with others and have minimal anxiety around it.

XOXO Anna

Jobs, A Jealous Ex, Family Get Togethers, and Moving On Up

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I know I haven’t posted in what seems like forever, but that’s because I have been working at my new job! I am a waitress at this diner, and I’ve been in training and tomorrow is my first day as a real waitress. When in training I didn’t get the tips from the tables I worked so tomorrow I will actually be making tips! Kinda really excited!

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Also the other night we got together at a bar, Cody, me, his mom, his sister and brother. His grandparents were supposed to come but they didn’t. But when Cody’s siblings left, Cody and me stayed behind to hang out with his mom and we ended up having an awesome time. Cody’s mom said she loves me! Cody’s mom approves of me!! Seriously happy about that. Also Cody’s mom never liked Cody’s ex who we will call…Siena, so that made me happy too. AND Cody’s mom told us that Cody’s breathing issues could be genetic, so she said if Cody and I planned to have kids to look into that. All I would need is two shots during the pregnancy, but again, the fact that his mom talked about him and me having kids must mean she approves and everything. She said she really likes us together!!! Sorry just super happy from that night!

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Also side note to what I’m talking about above, Cody’s ex Siena, has been really talking to him a lot and wanting to get together with him. Also there is proof that she is trying to make him doubt Cody and I. So for me, since I’ve had bad experiences with girls in the past, I got really upset. Usually in the past, if any girl wanted a guy I was after or had, I usually just walked away the second they showed interest because I knew they would “win”. So this was the first time I actually stood up and fought back and stayed instead of walking away. I told Cody that if she kept contacting him that much that he needed to tell her to give him some space. He respected that. THAT meant the world to me. Because I don’t deal well with manipulative bitches. Yes there’s anger. I apologize but I don’t take well to a girl trying to make the guy doubt me. I would post the pics of the conversation but then it gives identities away so I’ll just re-type the convo so you guys know what I mean.

(these conversations are anywhere from the first month of dating to last week. I’ll start off with the conversations that were earlier in our relationship and below are all gifs of the emotions I’ve experienced due to Siena)

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[Back in the summer when I was in treatment]

Siena: Can you text me later when your not with Anna? I want to ask you something but it’s kinda personal.

Cody: ok

[later]

Siena: I just wanted to ask if your getting really serious with Anna…like I know it’s None of my business and you don’t have to tell me. But have you had sex with her?

Cody: yeah, we are getting really serious and I’ve already considered a long term relationship with her. And yes, we have had sex.

Siena: Okay I was just curious because it seemed like you were getting serious

————

Okay so my side note on that convo is that it truly was NONE of her business. Whether Cody and I had had sex is between CODY AND ME. Not her. So I wasn’t too happy when I knew Cody told her. That was the first time that Siena really upset me and it made me feel uncomfortable.

—————

[maybe month two of Cody and my relationship]

Siena: How’s Anna?

Cody: She’s good. I’m about to go on break with her.

Siena: What do you mean go on break with her?

Cody: I’m going on break right now to go to lunch with her.

Siena: Oh hahah I thought you meant like vacation

—————

This one my friend back from GA thought was really funny. She told me this was her favorite because Siena thought Cody meant break as in break up. Sorry sweetie but that ain’t happening.

———————

[week or so later]

Siena: How’s Anna?

Cody: She’s good

Siena: That’s good. Do you wanna hang out tomorrow around 11 or 12?

Cody: I got work in (location) 😦

Siena: Aww okay haha

———————————-

[week later]

Siena: Morning 🙂

Cody: Good morning

Siena: Whattchaaa doing

Cody: I’m with Anna and I’m about to go to work

———–

So I am sorry but NO ONE texts “Morning :)” to someone unless they’re in a relationship with that person. I never even did that with Cody (because he was always over) but with all my other relationships they would always text me “Morning :)” because what does a morning text say???? That when I wake up you’re who I’m thinking about. You’re the first thing I think of in the morning. So wasn’t happy about that. But Cody does admit she is getting jealous.

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[When I gave Cody that surprise in the ferrari]

Siena: How are you and Anna?

Cody: We’re doing well, we’re gonna have a nice dinner tomorrow night and she’s got a surprise planned for me on sunday. I have no idea what we’re gonna do.

Siena: That sounds like a lot of fun. Where are you going to dinner? Is it like an anniversary or something?

Cody: No, she just wanted to do something nice.

Siena: Do you have any idea what the surprise is?

Cody: No, she says there’s two things we’re gonna do. I have no idea.

Siena: Let me know if it’s not too personal what she does hahah

——————–

I don’t like the last thing she said but it’s whatever.

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[month or so ago]

Siena: Cody are you really happy with Anna (8:38 pm)

Siena: You seem it and I’m really happy for you 🙂 (8:43 pm)

Cody: I really am thanks for asking 🙂

Siena: Good I’m glad 🙂

—————-

This one I put in because the time stamp in which Siena texted those two things shows that she got nervous when Cody didn’t reply, so she had to go and seem like she was happy for us.

——————–

[last week first day of my job]

Siena: Hey

Cody: Hey

Siena: What’s up

Cody: At home depot, getting paint what’s up with you?

Siena: hahahah right across the street. I’m at the preschool.

Cody: haha oh cool

Siena: I get out in like 10 minutes. Wanna meet somewhere? haha

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Yeah wasn’t too happy to come home from work to know that.

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Anyways, I sent all those texts to my friend in GA and she understand how girls work and she was laughing when she read them. She says that my worries about Siena being jealous and trying to plant seeds of doubt are reasonable. Also her roommate totally agreed with me that the girl was like way too into Cody and I and there had to be an ulterior motive.

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Cody, once I got the courage to tell him all this and make my case, agreed with me too. Cody agrees she is jealous. But Cody thinks Siena is too stupid to be able to manipulate. I told him it was subconscious or it was inadvertent. He agreed. That’s when I told him if she keeps texting him to hang out or about Cody and me that he needs to tell her to give him some space, because in all honesty it’s making me uncomfortable.

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And my friend in GA even knew that I had kinda cut back on talking with Ethan (my first love). How did she know that? Maybe Ethan told her? But seriously I gave up a lot of contact with Ethan and other guys because I knew it made Cody uncomfortable, so I figured the least he could do is do the same for me. Also when Ethan was with his next girlfriend after me, he told me to give him space so he could see if he and that girl could be together and work things out. Did I take offense? As a friend no, I totally got that. But because I honestly still deep down wished he wanted me, yeah that part of me wasn’t happy but I got it. And I truly care about Ethan, so if I care, I’ll give him space and let him do what he needs to do. That’s a true friend. I didn’t play the whole jealous ex thing. I did as Ethan asked and respected it.

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But anyways, I totally got side tracked with that. Cody was at Home depot because he and I are not moving out of the house, but moving into the attic of my parents house. Our attic has a bedroom, bathroom, and hang out room, so it’s like a mini apartment or suite. It’s really nice, but it really does need to be painted.

Last night was pretty rough though. Cody and I weren’t on the same page about things plus I got triggered. Not a fun night. I even said to Cody that I was giving him an out, as in here’s another chance to leave with no hard feelings, but he said he didn’t want it, that all he wanted was me… so that was really fucking sweet. But we’re good now. I still can’t believe his mom likes me so much! That makes me happy, and I want to hang out with her because she is really fun! Plus Cody hung out with my mom the other day. He works for my parents company and so my mom told him to join her to go Maserati car shopping with her. I was so jealous! But yeah, I’m glad my mom likes Cody. I’m glad that my family likes Cody and that his family likes me! In my past relationships that’s never happened so I’m happy about that.

Anyways, hope everyone’s having a good day and I will try to actually blog more, just I haven’t had time lately.

XOXO Anna

Distractions

With The Case going on I abso-fucking-lutely need as many distractions as possible. Cody has been a great one, and so has school.

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Though I’m not a fan of the amount of sociology reading I have. It seems endless, and it’s boring me at the moment. My abnormal psychology reading isn’t as bad because so far it’s been a refresher for me. I also have some law reading which I am nervous to even open the book for fear of finding something completely and utterly dry to read.

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Cody actually started his homework the other night! It was pretty big for him since in the past he just didn’t do his homework. My goal is that we get that one assignment finished tonight at some point. I just hope we don’t distract each other, which totally happened the other night. Though I stayed more focused than he did.

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My sister has made contact with us and she wants us to send her clothes and money. I am seriously sad and possibly very likely depressed because I feel like I’ve lost my sister. I am doing whatever I can to keep my mood up (in a healthy way, not in a bad coping skills way). But it’s been really hard. I’ve wanted to self-harm a lot since she’s been gone. But thinking of Cody and his reaction keeps me from acting on it. I hope it stays that way. I would hate to let myself and Cody down.

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I just feel like I am going stir-crazy with being in my house so much. It just reminds me of the fact that my sister isn’t here. Plus October is coming up and Halloween is my favorite holiday and it was our holiday. We would always go all out for halloween and decorating the house. I told mom to prepare for the house to be decorated but my mom doesn’t want me too, which isn’t happening. I need it to be festive around the house. I need it to seem like things are normal. We all can’t spiral down into a hole of despair and stop living our lives. We need to just keep moving forward like everything is okay.

But seriously I can’t wait to start looking for halloween decorations and to take them out from the basement and start decorating!

Okay, enough of me distracting myself with blogging. I’ve got to get back to my boring sociology reading. I’ve only got two pages left… hope everyone else is having a good start to the school year!

XOXO Anna

Friend Visiting, Drunk Nights, and Jealousy

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My roommate from freshman year came to visit me this weekend. We have had so much fun catching up. I warn you guys that I’m tipsy/drunk while writing this. But last night we all went out to a bar that Cody likes. But stuff happened.

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Like…I didn’t write about this because honestly well, I just I am not one to believe in happy endings, but anyways so like a couple days ago I was late for treatment because Cody and I were talking and it was about marriage and the future and stuff. So last night I took a huge chance in talking about that,saying that on our wedding day he would be dancing with me, and Cody said something that was apparently a How I Met Your Mother reference, which I didn’t get so I got very hurt.

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I told him that he would have to dance with me on our wedding day, and he was like saying something like how his mom said that you’re not supposed to plan things if it’s longer than half your relationship or something, but it was a reference to Barney saying that to Ted or something. I didn’t get it and I was hurt. I got drunk and cried and called Hannah from treatment and talked to her before Cody got to me. Cody, my friend and I all went home. Cody and I talked and we were good.

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Tonight Cody went out to drink with his guy friends, a boys night, and yeah. I was nervous because they were doing a mile of drinking at every bar.  My friend has a boyfriend and he was being really insecure about everything, and I was like I get that. She and her boyfriend are so cute together though! My friend, she is totally into him, but he was sad because they hadn’t really seen each other all summer and he felt like she was here visiting just me instead of him. He lives like 20 min from my house, so I got to meet him. Hopefully tomorrow we all hang out before we do a double dinner date.

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But anyways, I invited Brian, that guy who Cody gets annoyed with because me and Brian like made out once two years ago. So Brian, my friend and I are hanging at my house drinking, talking and planning on watching Mission Impossible. Then Brian wanted to go out, so we went to the gay bar but because my friend wasn’t 21 we didn’t get in, so then we headed downtown and ran into Cody and the boys. Cody was not happy to see us all out. He marked his territory though (me) by kissing me and making out with me right in front of Brian. I didn’t mind it though.

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Brian, my friend and I all head back to the house and play ping pong, to which I got my ass handed to me, and then Brian went home. My friend and I stayed up talking about Cody and her BF and their issues and our issues. I texted Cody and he said he could drive himself home and didn’t need a ride, which is nice since I’m not able to drive at the moment. I am also exhausted.

Tomorrow should be a good day. Cody, my friend, me, and Cody’s friend are grabbing brunch. Then hopefully her BF can join all of us and we can do something before we all go out to dinner later.

XOXO Anna