3 Year Anniversary

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Two nights ago I drank a lot and was black out drunk. I was really down, like suicidal down. I was thinking about Peter, and that just got to me. Cody told me not to keep drinking but I didn’t listen. I regret it because Cody filled me in on all the blanks and it wasn’t good. Apparently I grabbed a kitchen knife, threatening to cut. But that’s what I wanted before I drank, I wanted to cut or do worse. I also, when completely intoxicated, ask for sex and say that “I’ll do whatever you want.” I only know this because Cody videoed some of it. He videoed me because he wanted for me to know what it was like when I got drunk and had flashbacks and stuff. It was very rough to watch. I told Cody to delete the video. He did. I didn’t go to school today. Since two nights ago I’ve been incredibly down. I think, or I know, that I am going to go back to AA for a bit so I can remind myself why drinking doesn’t solve anything. Peter sexually assaulted me on February 26th and it was a tuesday night. So, though the date anniversary is friday, to me it’s today. Cody and I are going to cuddle and watch TV when he gets home and have a relaxing night, and on wednesday he said he would go with me to an AA meeting because I am too scared to go on my own. How did I get so lucky to find a guy who not only takes care of me when drunk and doesn’t do anything sexual to me, but will go to an AA meeting, or goes to eating disorder treatment with me? Again, he is a unicorn, and I am damn lucky to have him.

XOXO Anna

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Trying To Be Strong

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I am giving it my all. I am really trying to move forward with Cody and I know it’s going to take time to get that trust back, but it’s killing me in the meantime. I have to be strong first though. I need to help Cody then I’ll let myself deal. This song helps me though. I love Cody and I know that when in a relationship there is the potential to get hurt. I am not stupid, but I am shocked.

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This morning the urge to cut was so strong. I called my sister and she helped me through it. I was kinda crying on the phone with her. I felt so bad about wanting to cut knowing if I did others would get hurt. Then we continued talking for the next hour about our lives and I told her about the surprise for Cody on saturday and she was happy for me. I even told her that he said he wanted to go ring shopping before the 14th. Don’t worry he is so not proposing by Valentine’s Day. He probably wants to see what rings I like across the board and maybe he will get me something nice for Valentine’s I think. Though I could totally be off base. Maybe he will get me roses and candy which is fine. I don’t need too much to be happy. I just need honesty, trust, support, patience, understanding, and someone who is going to be there.

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Last night Cody and I made a lot of progress though. We had sex twice. First time I had to stop and talk to him because I kept thinking about what he did. After talking we had the most intimate sex of my life. Then later that night we had very hot sex. We’ve taken preventative measures. His phone screen saver is a picture of me, that way if he did get the urge, he would see my face before he did anything. Also the hot sex from last night gave him lots to think about if he does get the urge to masturbate. I am really trying my best to help him understand this. It’s hard on me though. But apparently he said last week he had been thinking about Savannah and the guys that are my friends a lot. He also said maybe he felt slightly not as close, and maybe that’s why the slip-up happened but he doesn’t really know.

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I love him to death but I just at times am overwhelmed with extreme pain and sadness. I still am trying to process and understand how he could do that to me. I know no one is perfect but it’s just difficult. I understand addiction, and that’s why I think I am doing such a great job at helping him and staying strong and not being stupid and retaliate. I just don’t know how to move past this. I am hoping tomorrows therapy session will help a lot.

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I’m just trying to keep it together for Cody’s sake. I won’t give up on him. He feels like crap anytime he sees me depressed. I can’t imagine what he would do if I ended up cutting. I just have to breathe, have faith, and pray that he doesn’t break my heart again.

XOXO Anna

My Sisters Home

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Cody was leaving just as my dad pulled in the driveway with my sister and her boyfriend. I don’t even remember if I said “I love you” to Cody before he left. He was really nervous when leaving too. I’ve never seen him like that. I was nervous also. The condition for my sister to come home was that Cody had to move out of our house while she was here.

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I tried saying “hi” to my sister and she old her boyfriend, “I just can’t deal with her right now” in an angry/annoyed tone. That hurt. It took me a while to be able to enter the kitchen where everyone was eating dinner. I finally entered and when mom was going to make me food I said I might just go out to eat. Mom told me I’m not allowed to leave the house. My sister was like, “Please let her go. That would be great.” That also hurt. I am not being acknowledged by her. She tried petting Luvas and playing with him but he is nervous around her. The only people he loves and is okay around is Cody and me.

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I decided to stay in for dinner. Probably not going to eat much… not in the mood to eat though I’m starving. It was also surreal to see my sister drinking beer at dinner. I remember how she used to be so against drinking and drugs and all that stuff. I really want a drink right now, hence why I wanted to go out to dinner. There’s no alcohol at the house I want to drink. But knowing how much of a light weight I am I wouldn’t be able to drive home after having a glass or two of proseco for a while. I didn’t want to go out to eat alone and sit at a restaurant alone waiting for the alcohol to subside.

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It’s day one. Nine more days to survive. I want to be able to give my sister this letter I wrote her. I hope I get the chance to, and I hope she actually reads it and doesn’t tear it into pieces.

Dear India,

I am sorry for making you feel abandoned. At least that’s what I am assuming you felt. If I made you feel that way I cannot tell you enough how terribly sorry I am. I know you say words are meaningless from me, but I hope that you can see that I am writing from my heart.

I am sorry that when I met Cody I wasn’t there for you. I am sorry I didn’t see the signs. I want you to know that I am here for you if you do ever want to talk. I know you have people for that, but if you ever do want to, I am here. If not, then that’s okay too.

I don’t know how I can make any of this right, but I want to try to make it right with you, if you want to. I am ready when you are. If you’re not ready to talk to me right now then that’s okay. I’ll be here when you are ready. And if you’re not ready to read this, then feel free to stop right now and put this away for another day when you might want to read this.

I want you to know how proud of you I am though. You have been so strong, and have been an inspiration. Sometimes I wish I had the courage that you have, especially when it comes to mom and dad. I know we aren’t on good terms right now but I want to tell you how amazing it has been to have you as my sister.

For one thing you are the funniest person I know. You always make me and people around you laugh and that’s one of my favorite things about you. You know I am not funny, and I have always envied how you seem to just do it so naturally. Honestly it’s a great quality and I hope you are still making everyone in your life laugh, including yourself.

You are always there. Ever since my trauma’s and my anorexia, when I asked for help or just needed someone to talk to you were there without judgement. You told me that everything was okay and what I was feeling was valid. That was exactly what I needed to hear since everyone else was telling me otherwise. I know that if you’re there for me like that that your friends are some of the luckiest people. Having someone who is so caring in their lives is amazing. If you treat them anything like you treat me when I am down then they have the best thing in the world- someone who genuinely cares and is patient and understanding.

Another thing I love about you is that you know what you want and you won’t let anyone else change your mind. I personally am easily swayed sometimes when people comment on my decisions, but you don’t let others opinions change anything. I like that you are that confident in yourself and your decisions. Your confidence is great and I hope you are keeping that up.

You don’t judge when someone opens up to you. I know many times I’ve been scared to open up because I am terrified that someone will judge what I am thinking or feeling, but you don’t. You can be very understanding and create a comforting environment where I feel safe enough to open up. Most people I know don’t know how to create that environment or even that kind of relationship with another person where the other feels safe enough to do so.

I am so lucky to have had you in my life. You’ve made me a better person through knowing you. You call me on my bullshit and that is another great quality. You have been a huge influence. Sometimes I think to myself “What would India do” or “How would India feel” when I am trying to decide something and get stuck. Your opinions and thoughts matter a lot to me. Maybe this is all one sided, but I wanted to let you know all this in case things between us don’t get better down the road. I miss you and love you so much. I really wish I could go back in time and change things. I know that’s not a possibility so I am going to focus on changing the future, our future.

I want to be someone worthy of having you in my life. In the past my actions might have made you feel taken for granted and if that’s the case I apologize. You are one of the most important people in my life and I want you to know that. I don’t know what actions I have to take to show that to you, but I won’t stop trying. If I fail to show you then I will try something else until I find something that works.

I’ve never been good at knowing what to do in situations where there’s conflict. The one thing I know I am good at is writing letters from my heart. This is my attempt to show you how much I care and love you. If this doesn’t work I will try something else. I just hope one day we can get on better terms.

If we don’t get past this then these past twenty years with you have been a privilege. It’s been a fun ride with great memories and stories that I’ll never forget and I’ll smile at when remembering them. If you want to talk I’m always here even if it’s twenty years down the line, I’ll always be here, waiting for you.

I love you with all my heart,

Anna

I hope she does end up reading it if I give it to her.

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Sitting alone at the dinner table now, waiting for dinner. The pain I feel sucks. The feeling of being alone also sucks. The feeling of being scared in your own house sucks. I hate walking on egg shells in my house. I hate the fact that I want to hide in the attic and am scared to leave it because my sister and her boyfriend are here. I hate feeling scared in this house again. It’s been at least five years since I’ve felt scared in my house, and it’s been great to not be scared. I feel like an outsider in this house right now. I feel like I don’t belong. I feel like it would be best if I left. But it’s day one. I have to stay. I have to try. I have to push through all this bullshit.

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My sister came in and was asking mom to make tea, and mom told her she could do it and I asked for some too. I told my sister she didn’t have to make me any but she did. She actually responded to a question I asked her. Improvement.

XOXO Anna

A Living Nightmare

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I haven’t posted in a couple days, and I can’t really post much now. Let’s just say things with The Case have gotten very scary. I will post all about it in a couple days, but for now things can’t be revealed. My family is barely holding it together.

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Last night, I self-harmed when I was drunk. Yes, that’s how bad The Case got. It made me so upset and sad and scared that I couldn’t handle my emotions and I needed that release. I am so disappointed in myself but my mom and dad keep telling me I have been incredibly strong through out the whole thing and that it’s to be expected to break down in the situation we are in.

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I know this post is vague, but when we get back in the country I will be able to explain the full situation at hand. I just hope things go well today, though it isn’t looking too good.

Hope everyone else is having a good day!

XOXO Anna

Fun Brunch and More Family Stuff

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Cody and I went out to brunch. After I posted earlier today I took a shower, and I got a safety pin. I kinda started to cry, and I went over where I usually would cut, lightly once. That is usually enough to remind me to not cut. I did that and I didn’t cut. Thinking about Cody and his reaction was enough to keep me from doing it even though it’s what I wanted to do more than anything in those moments. No one’s ever been stronger than my addiction. I am hoping it stays like this, that if I ever do get that close, the thought of Cody and his reaction will keep me from doing it when I can’t convince myself. I told Cody and gave him the safety pin.

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We went to the bar and he got a beer and food and I had some coffee and food. One of his friends was there, like always, and it was nice to see and talk to him. Brunch was really fun and got my mood back up.

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I got home and explained why I wanted my food to be mine. My mom didn’t get it, and I told her I almost cut and she said I was overreacting, and I said that if Cody wasn’t in my life that it wouldn’t be a safety pin she needed to worry about, but a kitchen knife. She didn’t take me seriously and I just got annoyed and walked out to talk to my dad and explain. I apologized, my dad apologized. Things were good. My sister walked in the kitchen and I asked her if she got what I bought. She proceeded with opening the trash and showing me she threw it away.

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I’m now in my room, door locked, sad music playing, trying not to cry. I mean, I knew it was a possibility that she would throw it away, but I knew how much she loved the things I got, so I thought her love of those things would outweigh her hatred of me… I’ll be fine, but it hurt to have her tell me she threw it away and then open the trash, and rub it in my face.

Just another hour before Cody gets out of work and I get out of this house…

XOXO Anna

Not Even Five Minutes Home And…

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I walk through the door and I ask how last night went with talking to my sister. They gave me the vaguest bullshit answer, and I demanded specifics after like three times of asking. My dad went further into it, and I was at least happy they talked to her. Apparently she didn’t really talk back, and is being pretty much silent to them. My mom explained that if in two days she doesn’t decide what she’s doing, then they are going to I think shut her cell service off. At least my mom is being a hard-ass.

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But I comment on how everything I bought my sister wasn’t in the kitchen and I asked if she threw it away or took it. They figured she took it upstairs. I then opened the snack drawer where my smartfood was and half the bag was gone, as expected, and I commented, “Hey dad, can you not eat the rest of this? Or if you do, can you go get more?” My dad responded in an annoyed tone with, “Who is paying for that? You can’t tell me I can’t have any more of it. Next time you should buy two or three bags if you’re worried about me eating it. Okay?”

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I swallowed, and held my tongue, knowing if I lost it on my dad everything would be worse so I said, “Okay, you’re right.” I’ve never felt so submissive. I hated that. I didn’t want to even fight for it. I just gave up. That reminds me of the person I was back in middle school when I feared this girl, Skyler, and she ruled over everyone.

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If I had the fight in me I would have explained why I wanted him not to eat it, because of the anxiety I get going into the grocery, but I think he would laugh it off or something. I don’t know, but I know that only five minutes of getting back to my house and I am craving a safety pin. That’s really sad. I was hoping that coming back from Cody’s, everything would be a bit calmer today or… I don’t know. I’m just feeling really discouraged and submissive, which I hate. I just can’t take anymore anger or negative emotions directed at me or I will break.

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I want to scream, and cry, and hit my baseball bat against the mattress in the attic, but I know if I try to express any “negative” emotion my mom will burst through the door and tell me to stop. That’s really annoying because there’s a reason I restrict, drink excessively, or cut or burn. It’s because I am trying to express my emotions, or numb them. If I can’t express my emotions in a healthier way I will end up turning to my bag habits.

Also, with all the shit I went through yesterday, I ate and didn’t restrict at all! I am seriously proud of myself, plus since my period is coming, I am feeling bloated too, but I stayed strong and ate knowing that’s what I’m supposed to do.

I am shocked at how low my mood got since I got in my house. I seriously feel like I’m back in middle school or high school or something. I am honestly shocked that I made it through that period without self-harming or other extreme measures with all the bullying.

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I am trying so hard to stay on track, but being in this house is killing me.

XOXO Anna

Fucking Pissed

So I know I just posted but my mom again was … annoying. So I, after posting, was fighting off the urges to self harm and was looking up on the internet ways to cope and stuff. I always knew about the ice cubes and have done it before, but only once. I never put the ice cube to where I cut, but held it in my hand. This time I went downstairs and opened the freezer and there was literally one ice cube left. I quickly grabbed it and ran upstairs, desperate, and shut my door.

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I put the ice cube to my arm, where I cut, and I was definitely understanding why it works, or at least makes the urges manageable. I wasn’t even close to getting a high from it when my mother bursts through the door. I am holding the ice wrapped in a t-shirt in one hand and my mom is like, “Are you cutting?” I tell her no. “Why do you have ice?” My mom persists. I told her it was hot and I wanted ice. She didn’t like the answer and I threw the ice out and told her to get out.

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She left but told me to keep the door open, I told her I was going to Cody’s. I was so fucking pissed and still am. I didn’t get what I needed to keep the thoughts and urges at bay. I am at Cody’s right now, on his computer writing this and I am so… ahhhh. I just, as I wrote in my previous post, Can’t Take It Anymore!

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I write, yet again, that I hope the rest of this evening goes well…but today just seems to not be my fucking day.

XOXO Anna