Self-Objectification

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I have objectified myself for a pretty long time now. I remember knowing that at a young age I was “only as good as however many guys liked me.” I, knowing or believing that, made sure I was attractive. In high school I would wake up at 5 am to shower, do my hair, and make up. That’s how much I would care, and that didn’t even include having to choose the “right” outfit. I tried very hard to be attractive, and in high school I never really had any guys.

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In college, if you’ve read my blog, you know how many guys I’ve gotten. In college I really objectified myself. I wore my skimpy, sexy, provocative outfits. I knew that was the only way to get a guys attention. I knew if I didn’t wear those clothes I’d be invisible. Now where and when did I learn this? Society warps young kids minds about the roles they play and what they are expected to be. At some point girls start being taught that they are supposed to play with makeup and dresses and boys play with things that they can build or play sports.

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From a young age I knew what society expected of me as a girl, but I never truly fit that stereotype. Since I’ve been with Cody I have changed a lot. I’ve changed for the better. When first meeting Cody I wore my sexy outfits, and once I was his girlfriend he told me I didn’t have to wear those outfits, that he preferred me in casual clothes. It didn’t hit me until I found out about his addiction and started all this research that I had been objectifying myself because that is what society taught me to do.

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I have stopped objectifying myself and I feel like a person and not an object for someone else’s sexual pleasure. I find it ironic that the porn addict teaches me this 😛 But I never realized how much society impacted me and the way I viewed myself until recently. Since I’ve realized this, I see society, and I walk down the street and I am sad because I see so many people falling into what society teaches. Girls, if single- and you know they’re single- wear provocative clothes, anything that draws attention to certain areas of their body. Men also can fall into that trap. Men don’t go around in skimpy clothes, but they do wear more fitting and nicer clothes if trying to seem attractive. I find it sad that society teaches us that our looks are the defining factor, the thing that makes someone worthy.

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People have SO MANY qualities and such unique personalities and they should be valued on that and not their looks. I have self-objectified and I’ve seen so many other women doing that, and I’m sure they might not even be aware of it. Why can’t we all just be people? Why does society have to portray women as sexual objects in the media, TV, movies, billboards, etc. Yes, men get objectified too, but there is a lot more objectification of women.

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I honestly can’t believe the person I used to be before meeting Cody. The things I thought were so important are truly irrelevant. Before him, I thought I had to be physical perfection or I would get rejected. I thought I had to be the best sex partner in bed or I wasn’t anything. I never really was someone who watched porn, but after my trauma’s I did, and I felt disgusted seeing those. I thought, “my god how can that women let herself be treated that way?” I now realize I was doing the same thing. Dressing for a guy, being nice for a guy, doing anything sexual for a guy. I got the message from a young age that my worth was based on what a man thought of me. If a man approved then I must be good. If a man thought I was sexy, then I must be that. I never learned to define myself by MY opinions and thoughts.

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I really hope that this changes. I hope that kids are taught to value themselves not by someone else’s opinions, but by their own opinions. In the end the only person who should define you is you.

Objectification, Porn, and Society

Cody and I have continued to make progress in our relationship and as individuals. I’ve seen a huge change in Cody since he gave up porn. He is happier, more motivated, engaged in life, and more loving and affectionate and less selfish. It’s only been three months since he has given up porn and the change has been great. I just started going to an eating disorder therapist so I can keep working on myself and how his addiction has impacted me, and I really am excited to work on myself and be able to heal from this.

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I’ve been reading about porn and the harmful effects. I have finally been able to find a lot of articles on porn that are non religious. I do not believe porn is harmful because of a religion but because porn causes isolation and intimacy issues. I understand that porn is a topic that is controversial and people have strong opinions about the subject. In my opinion I believe porn is harmful and have been on the other end of a porn addicts addiction. I have been the one hurt by the porn and I have seen the man I love hurt by the porn.

I know most people believe porn is okay and normal because in our society today, porn has become a normal behavior. Sex sells in society and porn has amplified the affects on social media and the way women are presented in ads. I am sad to live in a society where objectification is a normal thing, where porn renders the men in our society incapable of having loving and intimate relationships, where porn feeds objectification and people start thinking that what they see on the screen is normal and perfectly okay. When there are controversial issues in society nothing changes unless people speak out about it. If people remain silent, then they are being complicit.

  • Sexual Objectification:“is the act of treating a person as an instrument of sexual pleasure. Objectification more broadly means treating a person as a commodity or an object without regard to their personality or dignity.” – wikipedia

In my opinion porn is not a religious issue, but a moral issue. Most people value honesty, trust, respect, love, faithfulness, kindness, right? If you think of the way you want to be treated, does it match any of the words above? If yes, I agree with you, I would want those things too in any relationship in my life -whether it be romantic or not. Porn fuels ideas of objectification, degradation, and abuse. Cody had no idea he was mostly watching possible rapes. Cody didn’t realize that the women in those scenes most likely didn’t want to do some of those things and were possibly high to get through the scene. Cody didn’t realize that porn was equivalent to him being unfaithful. I know that when someone says “porn is cheating” there is a huge out roar against that statement.

I will break down, why in my opinion porn can be viewed as cheating. But first let’s define cheating, because most people accept society’s standard of cheating as being physically sexually unfaithful, but it can be much more than that. Below is a definition I believe in, and may not apply to everyone.

  • Cheating: Going against, or disrespecting boundaries set by another person. Being secretive, or lying to your partner.

I.e. If a boyfriend says he is not okay with his girlfriend talking to her ex-boyfriend and hanging out with him, that is considered cheating within that relationship.

Cheating does not have to only be physical, it can be mental and/or emotional. Some people don’t realize that, and that can cause issues within relationships.

In my relationship with Cody, I told him when I met him that all I ask of someone new in my life is that they are honest and trustworthy because those are two things I value, and I’ve been lied to and betrayed in the past and I don’t put up with that. I rather a person be honest and hurt my feelings than lie to me. If a person tells me the truth I will not get mad, but be glad they respected me enough to tell me. I also told him I could not have porn in my relationship because I struggle with anorexia and would relapse if that was in the relationship. Above I have set boundaries of what I am and am not okay with. Cody did the same for me with mentioning my ex’s and such.

I know that I have always wanted to have a monogamous relationship, meaning me and my partner are sexually exclusive (in real life and online). If my partner watched porn in the relationship I would not conducer that a monogamous relationship. Imagine you have a boyfriend or girlfriend and you mentioned you were or weren’t okay with a behavior, and that person betrayed that. Would you not feel cheated? Would you not feel disrespected?

I know this post won’t really change anything, but I wanted to talk about it. I didn’t want to be silent. I posted about porn on my Facebook page and had guys shut me down on the subject, saying porn wasn’t an issue and such, and Cody stepped in and shot them down. The thing that most people don’t realize is porn is addictive, it can change your neural pathways and inhibit one from being able to have sex with a real person, and porn destroys much more than a romantic life. Porn can keep a person isolated, depressed, and can cause job loss if caught doing that at work. Porn has been compared to heroin in it’s addictive effects.

I’ll admit I am scared to post this because of how people reacted on Facebook, but then again, I am anonymous on this site, and this is exactly why. I want to be able to voice my opinion safely and respectfully. I am going to link an article I really enjoyed reading. I learned a lot more about the affects of porn aside from the addiction side of it.

The Social & Cultural Poverty of Pornography: When the New Narcotic Shapes Society

A video, by Laci Green, talks about sexual objectification, and her channel is amazing, and I admire the way she explains concepts, so check this video out if you want to hear more about objectification, since I on this blog that is anonymous cannot post a video about objectification.

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Anyways, hope you enjoyed the post! I know I haven’t posted in a while but I finally had time today.

XOXO Anna

The Hunting Ground

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I just watched the documentary The Hunting Ground on Netflix and it was amazing. As someone who has been sexually assaulted, and raped twice, it really hit home for me. Honestly watching the documentary was terrifying. Terrifying because of how rampant a problem it is, not that I didn’t know, but hearing their stories, and seeing how poorly College Universities handled it was sickening. It makes me not want my kids to go to a college one day, because I would hate for my kid to have the same fate as me.

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I went to the Savannah College of Art and Design in Savannah, Georgia and I somewhat reported what Peter did to me. I talked to a therapist who was extremely helpful to me through the situation, and when going to the person who handles reports, she explained to me what would happen if I ended up reporting through the school or through the police. I know that if you report through SCAD it protects them, and when if reporting to the police I believe they don’t reveal that the student went to SCAD because it’s a private college. Personally I think that’s stupid. I went to SCAD and yes, it was a SCAD senior at the time who sexually assaulted me, but it wasn’t on campus but at his apartment. I ended up not reporting Peter, as you know if you’ve read my blog.

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I did end up reporting Monster, the boyfriend who raped me, a year after it happened. He went to GCSU (Georgia College and State University) in Milledgeville, GA. I remember reporting was not fun. The police officer was a man, and I could tell how skeptical he was of me reporting. He asked why I waited and I told him it was because I thought no one would support me, and at the time I didn’t have anyone who would come with me to do it. Milledgeville is a three hour drive from Savannah, so it’s a long trek to go alone, especially when I could have run into Monster… In the room was the officer, myself, and a person from the university who handles cases within the university. In the end the police didn’t convict. They said they didn’t have sufficient evidence. The school however said they were still looking into it. I remember, and still have, the letter I got from the school saying they didn’t find sufficient evidence. I do have to wonder if they talked to any of Monsters friends who were there that night who witnessed how drunk I was and the fact that I had a flashback and I couldn’t walk…

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When I reported Owen to the Savannah Chatham County Police, that was a completely different experience. I remember going there with Ramone and the woman at the desk was very supportive as I was breaking down crying waiting to talk to an officer. Ramone explained to the desk officer why I was breaking down, because my parents told me not to report. The woman told me I was doing the right thing. Eventually we saw an officer and he took down my statement and said he would pass it onto the sexual assault officer and I eventually got a call from that officer a couple days later. He again took my statement and worked with me. We did a recorded phone call and of course Owen had known I reported and played as if nothing happened that night. The officer told me he would do what he could and still investigate after that. He called the Rape Crisis in Savannah since I was in a suicidal state after that phone call. I went to Andy’s apartment where Quick Silver was also at. That night was terrifying and sad. Andy and Quick Silver kept me from doing anything to myself and helped me through the night.

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The officer lied to me, I believe. My police professor at the college I go to now told me that a recorded phone call, if the perp denies anything happened then the case is ended. So I was pissed to know that my officer gave me false hope. I wish he was straight with me and told me there was nothing else he could do.

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I obviously am being more open about my experience with my assaults in this post, and that’s because I want to be. Before I was scared. I mean, why do you think my blog is anonymous. I fear the repercussions of standing up for myself against these men. I fear what people will think of me if they knew who I really was.

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Cody, India, Ramone, Quick Silver, and Andy are the only ones who gave me the reaction I was hoping for after telling them. My sister obviously told me it wasn’t my fault. Cody said the same thing and cried with me and held me and told me he couldn’t believe anyone could do such terrible things to me and that he wished he could hurt them in my defense. Ramone was horrified when I told him and he took me to the station, gave me the courage and support I needed to be able to report. Quick Silver told me that Owen raped me and reporting was my choice. Andy got angry and was about to go defend my honor. No one had shown anger for me when I told them except for Andy and Cody. Most just blamed me or asked why I did what I did, or what could I have done differently, or was I sure it was rape. Those were people I thought were my friends.

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For those who are reading this and have been through similar situations I am sorry. I wish that rape and assault could end and not exist. It is so prominent in our culture and it makes me angry. That is why I am posting and being open. This documentary made me so angry to see all these women and hear their stories and know how terribly the colleges handled it. If anyone ever needs to reach out or talk, I’m here to listen. Seriously, my email is on the side of my site, feel free to shoot me an email if you need someone to talk to. I know how crappy and terrible it is to go through such a scary experience. I know how scary PTSD can be. I’ve been through it and still sometimes suffer from it. But there is hope and recovery is possible. Also, I’ve written this before, but those of you have gone through this…you are not a victim but a survivor. It takes tremendous courage and strength to keep going after such a traumatic violation. Especially when people turn on you. So know that you are not alone and you are strong. I believe in all of you and know that you can get through this.

XOXO Anna

Moving Forward

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Cody and I talked last night, like really talked. We haven’t gotten through all the things we want to talk about, but we have made huge progress! As long as we keep an open dialogue, are honest, and ready to talk, we will be fine.

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We even had passionate (amazing) sex last night. I communicated exactly what I wanted and he definitely delivered. Today we continued our conversation from last night and again, made progress! Cody opened up to me!! Like holy shit so happy. This showed him that he is capable of opening up, it just takes him a couple minutes to get there. I am just so proud of him for being able to do that. But I am very glad our communication is better and we are talking, and actually changing our behavior patterns that need changing to keep our relationship healthy and happy.

XOXO Anna

Paralyzed

 

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As you know, Cody and I moved into an apartment recently (as in two weeks ago). We had already been living together at my parents house for the past nine months, so living together isn’t anything new. At our new apartment it’s been hectic. I commute to the city 3 times a week for school and on my days off I babysit and my nights off he goes to parkour. He works all week. We see each other in the evening at 9 pm on weekdays. We either eat dinner and pass out when I get home or we skip dinner and pass out.

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I’ve been the one who initiates sex…like most of the time. He rarely initiates. Lately, and I assume it’s because he is tired or stressed, has not been receptive to my sexual advances. I remember him once telling me he didn’t initiate sex because of my rapes in the past and didn’t want me to feel pressured. Well, Cody let me know the other night he hates saying no to me for sex because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. Now I feel as if I’ve pressured him into sex many times, and I honestly hate myself for that. He said I never pressured him because it’s not like he doesn’t want to have sex with me, it’s more of he is just too tired at that minute. But I still feel like absolute crap.

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As you might also know Cody and I have been having issues with talking and connecting. All day today between my finals, I was looking up how to deal with having a higher sex drive than your partner, or does he like me anymore, or how to be a better girlfriend (because I feel so god damn bad about sex and Cody). I’ve looked up so many things. If you went through my history on my phone alone from today it would take you awhile, not to mention the search history on my computer. It’s hard to try to put the dots together with so many different suggestions…but I decided to try some of this stuff out.

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I read that when emotional intimacy fades it’s because one partner has been in the conflict stage, thus bringing the other partner into the conflict stage, then one partner retreats into the withdrawal stage. And only when one partner (the one who is more sensitive to when the relationship is falling apart or has an issue) rises above, and sacrifices all their frustrations and chooses love and compassion can they only get back to intimacy.

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So that’s exactly what I just tried. I got off the train, went to the bar Cody and I always go to, waited for him, and for an hour and a half I let him talk about space and science. Also since the porn thing Cody lets me check his phone everyday, and today I said, “No I don’t want to,” and he opened his phone and scrolled through his history to prove to me I made the right decision to trust him. I have to admit that did make me feel better. I also decided I should really start making more of an effort to trust Cody, and maybe then…maybe…he might just actually open up to me and want to talk to me about…well his emotions and feelings and thoughts. At the bar, an hour and a half of him talking about space and science, without me getting more than a sentence in the whole time…that was …a challenge… I love him, I love that he gets so excited, but I was having trouble focusing on it all because of how over my head it all was. Plus drinking didn’t help me focus. Then he suggested we get ice cream. I said I was fine, but I would treat him to it. I got him a chocolate shake (his favorite) and we went home, played with Luvas, and then Cody actually initiated sex. Problem is, I was trying everything I could to avoid sex. Yes, me withdrawing.

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I just didn’t want to try to have sex and him see how not into it I would be. So we went to the bedroom and I decided to fuck it and give it a shot, how bad could it be, right? I also read about how to get the guy more into sex and all that. I did one of the suggestions, which was to ask about the guys deepest darkest sexual fantasy.

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I was over him making out with him, giving him a hand job, and I said, “Tell me what you want me to do.” He looked at me confused and said, “Uh…fuck me hard?” Not what I was expecting but I said okay. I continued making out, figuring he didn’t get what I was asking so I said, “What is your deepest darkest fantasy? Besides a threesome because I can’t physically pull that off right now.” (side note I would never be okay with a threesome…unless it really was the only way to save a relationship) He responded “I don’t know…” So we continued making out. Also I never really go for the balls…they just kind of freaked me out all of my sex life because I didn’t know what to do with them, but I gave it a shot, and he loved it. Now not so scared to massage them while giving a hand job. He said, “That would feel amazing while blowing me,” and I replied, “Well I was going to do that,” and he perked up and we continued kissing.  He started to go down on me, which I was not expecting at all. “What, I can tease you too,” he said. He was fine, did well, and stopped. I always feel like he doesn’t enjoy it, which makes it hard for me to enjoy it, and when I see he isn’t hard when he gets up to wash his face, that made me feel not sexy and like he didn’t enjoy it, but I tried to focus on getting turned on so I could blow him.

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He got back in the room and I blew him while massaging his balls and well…he came quite fast. Like five minutes fast. Not an issue because my jaw was killing me the whole time, but I knew that if he came it meant we didn’t have to have sex, and then he wouldn’t be able to see that I wasn’t going to be into it. He came in my mouth and it tasted terrible -he just had beer- and so I ran to the sink to spit it out. I also was quite triggered but wanted to do something nice for him, so I tried to not think about past abuse and shit and got through it.

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Let’s just say this is so not how I wanted this evening to happen. I was hoping that maybe I would surprise Cody when he got home from parkour in lingerie and high heels, hair and makeup done… I don’t know… something nice, and then show him what I wanted from him sexually. In our conversation from the other day when well…sex didn’t exactly happen…he couldn’t stay aroused…and this wasn’t the first time this past month… so that also has made me feel a bit insecure, but I’m trying to brush it off. But anyways, I told Cody that sex for the past couple times wasn’t satisfying me emotionally, which it really hasn’t (hence why I didn’t want to have sex with him this afternoon). I don’t want to have sex with him if I don’t feel close to him. I mean if he was a fuck buddy or friends with benefits, hell I wouldn’t care, I would fuck him so hard and be dirty and crazy and wild with him, but I care about him and that makes it hard to have sex with him when I feel so emotionally…distant.

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So when we went back to the bedroom after I went down on him he said, “Don’t think this is going to go unrewarded. When I get home from parkour…” and he had this look. I replied, “It’s okay you don’t have to.” He said, “Come on, I’m not going to leave you hanging.” I said, “Really I don’t care, it’s fine.” His reply was, “Unless you push my head away and say no-” and I cut him off saying, “Which is what’s going to happen.” He said, “We will see.”  I hated that he used the word “rewarded” as in sex is a commodity where you get rewarded for good behavior (getting sex or oral) or punished for bad behavior…that’s the connotation it had for me.

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We cuddled. He went to parkour. I’m here blogging, sitting in a warm bath trying to relax and figure out what the hell I’m going to do to get us back on track. But I hate that it’s my job to do this. If I didn’t…Cody and I probably wouldn’t be together because he would never mention anything. *sigh*

Hoping to figure out a solution soon!

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XOXO Anna

Roller Coaster Central

(First off I am posting from my phone because there is no internet at the new apartment, so I can’t really put gifs in. Sorry!)

Moving in together…it’s been…strange. Not that Cody and I are not used to living together, but … fucking christ. I feel like I’m married to him, and not in the good way. You know, the whole stereotypical marriage where the couple never has time for one another, or is too tired to do anything with the other, or schedules are conflicting, or friends are taking priority, or no to little sex. You know that stuff. Ironically cody joked that we wouldn’t ever be the stereotypical married couple. The thing is we aren’t married and right now it’s as if we’ve been married and somehow we have all the problems or issues of the stereotypical marriage. I don’t know what to do. And shouldn’t one remember stuff that their partner says or is important to them? I remember so many things Cody tells me. He can never remember anything I tell him. I feel like I’m not important. I feel forgotten…because I am! Is this how it’s supposed to be? Is this what relationships come to after a while? I feel like that happens when we stop trying. But I am trying. It’s true when they say it takes two. Fuck.

I need advice. I feel so lost right now. Again, this is all new to me. I don’t know where to go and Cody lets me lead all the time! I am always the assertive one, or the one making decisions, or the one who is on top of our “real world” responsibilities. Example: Cody has forgotten consistently to pay my dad back for his half of the security deposit. I reminded Cody today. Also Cody LARPed last weekend as most of you might have read, and this weekend he also had the chance to go LARPing but didn’t because he knew my finals were coming up. His friend just invited him and me to a party this weekend on saturday. She lives like a fucking hour away. If she lived 5 minutes down the road I wouldn’t think it would get in the way. Plus I have an eye doctors appointment on saturday so I already have an hour or so wasted on that and not studying or writing my paper. Cody asked me if we could go. I said “I have finals.” He said “I forgot.”

I hate that I feel not important to him anymore. It’s only recently happened too! I don’t know what the hell happened or what I might have done. I mean, Cody has always been forgetful…and I’ve tried not to take it to heart that everything he forgets is about my life or what I wanted to do or had plans to do…but I don’t know anymore. Maybe he really only thinks about his interests or plans or wants. I don’t know, I’m just frustrated. I know he thinks about me (sometimes) but I don’t know. I’m sure if I had a LARPing weekend I was planning or a car rally I was going to he would never forget.

How did life sneak up on me so quick? Cody and I have our own place. We have no time for each other. He hangs with his friends and I’m hanging with mine. I babysit, he does parkour. He LARPS I stay home and do nothing or homework. Too tired to have sex, cuddle, or watch TV together. No time to talk. I hope this “situation” doesn’t last too much longer.  I just don’t know how to get us “back on track” so to speak.

Feeling forgotten, lost and clueless…

XOXO Anna

Cigarette For Head?

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Last night wasn’t good. I was suicidal. So much so I had a plan. Cody and I talked though and he got me to calm down. But what I really want to talk about is the reason I was so down.

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I am sick and tired of seeing men disrespect women. Honestly it makes me sick to my stomach sometimes and makes me want to smack them when they say ignorant or misogynistic crap. Yesterday we were hanging with Cody’s two friends. They are well… let’s just say I would not want to ever date a guy like that. One is a complete asshole when it comes to women, and the other just stupid (as in intellectually stupid.) Sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s what I’ve witnessed. Then we go to Bass Pro Shop and this guy wants a cigarette. He asks the asshole friend if he can have one and says, “she will give you head for it,” referring to the girl he was with. Luckily she didn’t hear that, but my fucking god that was insanely disrespectful. That infuriated me beyond belief but I stayed silent. I stayed silent mainly out of fear, and only today did I realize I was angry that I stayed silent. Someone should tell that asshole off. But no one did.

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Then later we were all playing pool at this club, and there was this stupid tv show on and it referred to these hookers as bitches and that also didn’t sit well with me. I just… I hate seeing that men think its okay to call women names like “bitch”, “slut”, “cunt”, etc. It really drives me crazy to hear that…also calling women “crazy”. It also makes my blood boil when I see that in TV or even like that man who wanted a cigarette, just treats women as objects, or something tradable, or just there to please a guy. Like I am sorry, but I’m not, but seriously guys need to understand the BASIC concept that women are people too. They are human beings and they are equal.

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Yes I am ranting right now, but I really need to get these feelings out. It also sucks to see Cody’s friends sometimes acting so ignorant about women’s rights and just treating a woman with basic dignity instead of treating them like “disposable pieces of ass”. Yeah, I really needed to vent. It just gets me really depressed when I see this day in and day out. And when Cody laughs at some of the sexist asshole humor that is honestly seriously offensive just makes it even worse. It makes me think that he is just like those other ignorant guys. But I know Cody isn’t and I am teaching him a lot about women and their rights and how to treat them or not make those kinds of offensive jokes. Like, honestly before we met Cody thought it was okay to joke about certain topics that are obviously not okay to joke about *cough* rape *cough*. Yeah. But Cody has learned a lot from me. I just wish more girls would tell their guys about this stuff. Cody told me that no girl ever spoke up about anything like that in the past that he has been with.

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I know that sometimes guys say that girls shouldn’t let the guy treat them so badly but sometimes it should be the guy knowing not to do it in the first place, right? I admit that after my rapes, I let guys treat me like absolute crap…because that’s what I thought I deserved. But no one, regardless of gender or sex, should be treated with inequality or like an object. We are all people, human beings with emotions. Sometimes it makes me sad to see that so many people don’t get that concept. Why can’t people treat others nicely and with dignity? What makes someone better than another person? We are all human, trying to live life, and make the best of it with the hands we were dealt. Some have great hands from the start and others unfortunately don’t, but that doesn’t mean that someone with say money is better than someone with out. We are all just people, trying to make a living and enjoy life.

Sorry again for the rant. Just really, really, had to vent.

XOXO Anna

Sex and Anorexia

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When we are younger we grow up thinking sex is something amazing, flawless, and something you do only when you love the person. At least that’s how I was introduced to sex. Sex seemed like this special thing that happened once you were mature enough to experience it. The way society portrays sex in movies or in TV shows further pushed that message. In the movies, there are two attractive people, and the experience is perfect and amazing. In reality sex is not always so smooth. What society fails to portray is that sex can be awkward. It can be funny, it can be intimate, it can be embarrassing, it can be scary, it can be violent, and so on.

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Sex for me was awkward and pleasurable for the most part before the rapes. Sex then turned into something scary. I was terrified by intimacy and never wanted it. Anorexia also built up a wall between intimacy. I remember every time I was doing anything sexual with Ethan I was so self-conscious about my body that I couldn’t really enjoy whatever we were doing. With other guys, like one night hookups, it wasn’t as much as a problem-mainly because I was intoxicated to some degree I couldn’t be bothered to think about that. With Eric sex was intimate at times, which was new for me. It was scary.

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Sex with Cody these past eight months has been amazing. There have obviously been the ups and downs. The times were it ended because of my flashbacks, or times I would start crying in the middle of it. But besides those times, sex was something that was intimate most of the time, which I had never had. Anorexia has sometimes gotten in the way. This past week it has gotten in the way. I have been super self-conscious of my body, like insanely so that the anorexic voice in my head has been beating me all week. I’ve definitely restricted this week.

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Last night sex sucked not because Cody isn’t great at sex, but because I was so disgusted with myself and how I looked that I couldn’t get into it, thus not feeling anything. Today we had sex and I started crying a bit, and then we talked and later had amazing sex. But that amazing sex we had…I was damn exhausted. After we were done and went to clean off, I was dizzy. I still am. I’ve been doing my sociology homework, kind of. I should do my police work but I don’t know if I have the mental energy to concentrate on that podcast. Also we are going to see a movie later, so I have to get my work done now.

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I just want to sleep. But I can’t. My memory sucks right now, I’m exhausted beyond belief, my moods are everywhere, and all the other stupid anorexia stuff slowly is coming back. Anorexia is a killer.

XOXO Anna

Something Changed

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I don’t know what changed, but I feel a lot better about Cody today. I told him everything about how I was feeling. I hated telling him that I felt certain things but after I told him I felt a bit better. When we pulled into the diner parking lot, Cody was telling me how much he loved me. How he couldn’t imagine anyone else in his life that he could marry and be happy with. He told me a lot about how he felt about me. For some reason hearing all that really changed my feelings and attitude.

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Then we sat in the booth together on the same side and I just held him and talked to him. Something felt different, in a good way. It felt like we were moving forward for the first time since the incident. Then we went to get some car stuff so he could work on his car, and we went to a jewelers to look at engagement rings. We then went home and I was feeling so good about us and I was feeling so confident about the fact that we were going to get through this that I really wanted to have sex.

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I had my computer out and was about to do my homework, but Cody came and sat on the bed and he turned me on and I then told him I wanted to have sex, and I wanted to feel close and feel intimate. We had amazing sex. But before we had sex, and we were making out, it felt like it was the first time I was with him or even with a guy. It was the strangest thing and I felt totally embarrassed by it for some reason. It was so strange to feel like I was about to have sex for the first time. But yeah, anyways we had amazing sex, and I just felt a lot closer to him and more confident that he really was sorry about what happened and that he wasn’t going to hurt me again.

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We then were exhausted and we cuddled and napped together. Over the past week I had wanted to be a bit distant from him and I didn’t really want to cuddle or be physical, but when we napped today I was so happy to have him holding me. It felt right. It made me feel safe. I finally felt like I was with the Cody I fell in love with. I don’t know what happened today but I am thankful because I was getting scared.

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Now I am doing homework and he is gaming. We then have to get ready for our valentine’s day dinner. Yes it’s tomorrow, but the restaurant we want to go to would be packed tomorrow so we are doing our valentine’s dinner tonight.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend so far!

XOXO Anna

Cody Truly is a Unicorn

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In all my sexual experiences, no guy has ever put my needs first or has there been a time where we had sex and it was all about my pleasure instead of his. In my experiences it’s been all about the guy. I would be lucky if I came or even enjoyed the experience.

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Last night Cody and I had sex but it was all about me. Cody did whatever he could to pleasure me. He practically made me come internally while he was on top, which was new. After I said I couldn’t take anymore, he said, “Okay, wanna go to the shower to clean off?” I was shocked and said, “But you didn’t even get off.” He said, “I know, this time it was all about you. I wanted to pleasure you.”

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Cody has done that for me once before and I guess I had the same reaction I had this time. I was in shock. I am sorry, but in my experiences with guys, they don’t seem to care or consider the fact that the girl may not be enjoying it or may not have climaxed. Usually the experience is the guy taking lead until he gets off. It didn’t really matter if I enjoyed something or not. With Cody every time we’ve had sex it hasn’t been about just him. It’s been about us. Of course there are times where I just want to pleasure him, and I guess there are times where he just wants to pleasure me. I just am not used to that.

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I honestly felt like I didn’t deserve it, and maybe that has something to do with my trauma’s but I don’t know. I just couldn’t comprehend why he was doing that. Like, to me, it felt like that had to be a huge sacrifice because in my experience it was always annoying if I asked a guy for what I wanted…and Cody just gave me amazing sex and wanted it to be all about my pleasure. It really was unexpected. He said it wasn’t a sacrifice at all, but something he wanted to do. I kept asking about if he wanted to continue so he could get off but he said no. I couldn’t comprehend that. I just kinda tried not to cry afterwards but I kinda did. I was just so shocked in a good way. It was honestly one of the nicest things Cody could have done for me. He said it was one part of him trying to make it up to me that be betrayed my trust. He apparently is coming up with some surprise for me. That’s sweet though. I just can’t wait for saturday! I am so excited yet so nervous. Cody feels like he doesn’t deserve everything I am going to do for him on saturday.

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My dad made me realize two nights ago that I made Cody feel like I was going to leave. When Cody did go on that porn site on Christmas eve, I was really hurt and I said that I wasn’t sure if I could handle it and that if he did it again I might want to leave but I wouldn’t have the strength. So Saturday is my way of showing Cody that I am here no matter what. I am not going anywhere. I will stay with him through it all.

XOXO Anna

Trying To Be Strong

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I am giving it my all. I am really trying to move forward with Cody and I know it’s going to take time to get that trust back, but it’s killing me in the meantime. I have to be strong first though. I need to help Cody then I’ll let myself deal. This song helps me though. I love Cody and I know that when in a relationship there is the potential to get hurt. I am not stupid, but I am shocked.

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This morning the urge to cut was so strong. I called my sister and she helped me through it. I was kinda crying on the phone with her. I felt so bad about wanting to cut knowing if I did others would get hurt. Then we continued talking for the next hour about our lives and I told her about the surprise for Cody on saturday and she was happy for me. I even told her that he said he wanted to go ring shopping before the 14th. Don’t worry he is so not proposing by Valentine’s Day. He probably wants to see what rings I like across the board and maybe he will get me something nice for Valentine’s I think. Though I could totally be off base. Maybe he will get me roses and candy which is fine. I don’t need too much to be happy. I just need honesty, trust, support, patience, understanding, and someone who is going to be there.

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Last night Cody and I made a lot of progress though. We had sex twice. First time I had to stop and talk to him because I kept thinking about what he did. After talking we had the most intimate sex of my life. Then later that night we had very hot sex. We’ve taken preventative measures. His phone screen saver is a picture of me, that way if he did get the urge, he would see my face before he did anything. Also the hot sex from last night gave him lots to think about if he does get the urge to masturbate. I am really trying my best to help him understand this. It’s hard on me though. But apparently he said last week he had been thinking about Savannah and the guys that are my friends a lot. He also said maybe he felt slightly not as close, and maybe that’s why the slip-up happened but he doesn’t really know.

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I love him to death but I just at times am overwhelmed with extreme pain and sadness. I still am trying to process and understand how he could do that to me. I know no one is perfect but it’s just difficult. I understand addiction, and that’s why I think I am doing such a great job at helping him and staying strong and not being stupid and retaliate. I just don’t know how to move past this. I am hoping tomorrows therapy session will help a lot.

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I’m just trying to keep it together for Cody’s sake. I won’t give up on him. He feels like crap anytime he sees me depressed. I can’t imagine what he would do if I ended up cutting. I just have to breathe, have faith, and pray that he doesn’t break my heart again.

XOXO Anna

Unexpected

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I got a letter from RCC (Rape Crisis Center) today. It brought up some stuff. Cody and I had amazing sex, but eventually I got somewhat triggered and we had to stop. I felt bad, but I did say that I needed to stop. I wish we could have continued, but I knew I did the right thing by telling him that I needed to stop. I love that he respects that. I feel like most guys would get pissed or frustrated with me and my stupid PTSD. I still am in awe of Cody’s understanding and patience.

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Cody said he would read my post The Story With Peter later. I asked him if he was going to read it and he said he didn’t want to be in a bad or angry mood for the night. He said he would read it though. I don’t know when though. But yeah. I don’t know how to feel about that. Part of me understands and then part of me is like, “well what do you think I feel like?” but I don’t know. I just want to be able to talk to him about stuff like that without it being hard or I don’t know…

XOXO Anna

Mind Blowing Sex and Separation Anxiety

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Last night Cody and I hung out with some of his friends and then we came back home and had the most amazing sex. Cody has told me many times through out our relationship that I am sometimes too much for him to handle sexually because he is so pleasured. I always thought he was just being nice because I didn’t really get the idea of being pleasured so much that you actually couldn’t take it…that was until last night. I now understand why he says that.

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I was so happy to not have any PTSD thing come up last night. We had the best time and I honestly thought sex with Cody couldn’t get better but it just keeps getting better. It’s been seven months of having amazing sex, having an amazingly supportive partner, and finally realizing what a healthy relationship is.

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I can tell you that before Cody I did not have a healthy sex life at all with any of the past guys. I didn’t realize that I had it so bad until I met Cody. I never really realized how much guys manipulated or guilted me into doing things for them. I just thought, “Well, that’s how guys are, and that’s how it is.” But Cody never pressures me and he always says I can say no. He respects when I say no, and he listens if I say I want to have sex but to take it slowly because I don’t want to get triggered.

Cody works for my parents, and they had an Atlanta show last week, and this week they have their Dallas show, and next week they have their New York show. I didn’t realize they had the Dallas show this week. I’ve always had separation anxiety from my parents when they are traveling. I was really shocked to find out that my mom wasn’t coming home last night, and that my dad was leaving this morning for Dallas. I mean, it’s nice that Cody and I have the house to ourselves, but I miss my parents when they’re gone.

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I called my mom this morning after my dad left because I could feel myself starting to panic and she talked me down. I told her all about how my PTSD had been acting up and how having them gone was hard. It helped though to talk to her. I know I have my issues with my mom, but one thing she is good at is getting me to calm down. It also helped that Cody went out to breakfast with me. I am having a pretty good start to the week, excluding the anxiety. 

Hope everyone else is having a good monday!

XOXO Anna

Dying Hair and One Year

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Serena came over and dyed my hair for me. The color looks really nice! I absolutely love my new dark brown hair. We then went to her house and I got some of her clothes that she didn’t fit in anymore. She did my makeup and I did her hair and we went out to a bar to meet some of her friends. Cody was meeting us there. Before he got there some guys were trying to talk and dance with me and that made me uncomfortable. I didn’t think the bar we were going to would be as packed as it was last night, and it was nerve wracking.

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I didn’t really want to be there once I realized how packed it was. I mean, though I got raped on the 18th, it happened on a saturday night to sunday morning. I was already hoping not to be triggered but being at a bar that had a club environment in the back room was anxiety provoking. I had a drink before Cody got there but once Cody got there and I stuck to him like glue. We got a drink and we danced and went home. I knew I was drunk but I wanted to have sex and I hid the fact that I was drunk from Cody. We had sex, and I got very triggered after it. I had a flashback right after sex and it was very intense. It took Cody a while to get me to calm down. To me it felt like hours, but it probably was just third minutes. I was terrified though during my flashback. Cody did an amazing job to keep me as grounded as possible.

Cody’s making french toast right now. We are doing brunch in this weekend because we are trying to save money. I hope everyone else is having a great weekend!

XOXO Anna

It’s the Dark

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Cody and I didn’t end up having sex yesterday. But this morning we did have sex and I wasn’t triggered. I think I was triggered also because it was dark. I couldn’t tell who I was with. But this morning I could. It was simple. I feel better knowing what was triggering me. I also feel better knowing that I am not broken. Cody couldn’t believe I thought that when I told him this morning before he went to work. But I sometimes do fear that I am sexually broken at times if I am triggered a lot. Having it happen two times in a row scared me. It made me really nervous to have sex again. It’s the strangest feeling to want to have sex with Cody but at the same time be scared of sex, or not sex, but getting triggered during sex. But at least I know what triggered me so now I can be more careful.

XOXO Anna

Dissociating

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I was fine earlier today. Hell I wrote my book all day then napped. Cody got home and we made out and wanted to have sex but we had to go out to dinner for his dads birthday. Then at dinner I started dissociating. I don’t know why. I can’t even remember half of the conversation that went on at the table. I wasn’t really there.

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Cody still wants to have sex, I want to want to have sex. I mean, if my mood changes and I’m not dissociating when Cody gets home then I would love to. Cody went to his house to duel with his brother. I am not sure what to do right now. I could try sleeping, or get in a shower… but I just don’t know. I hate being dissociated because I feel disconnected from myself and everyone around me. I am really getting sick of my PTSD acting up. I am really starting to feel like a major failure. I just pray that by the time Cody gets home I’m not dissociating. He really wants to have sex and I don’t want to let him down. I know he would say if I am not okay then we won’t do it, but I feel bad. I feel so sad that I’m getting triggered and dissociating and just being a PTSD mess.

XOXO Anna

More PTSD

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Last night, again, I got triggered during sex. I am getting really upset now. Two times in a row? I feel so bad… like I know Cody is understanding and says it’s not my fault and I shouldn’t feel bad about being triggered, but I do. I feel like a failure. Maybe it’s because January 18th marks one year since Owen? Or because we just got back from Savannah? I have no idea, but I am triggered. I hate it so much. Getting triggered during sex feels terrifying and like I haven’t gotten past it. It is confusing and annoying and I hate it.

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I don’t get why it keeps happening. Plus I keep having nightmares about being captured, raped, or that Cody is cheating or leaving me… I hate it. I don’t get why my PTSD symptoms are coming up…unless it’s the anniversary which would make sense. I am going to keep writing and stay busy until school starts, which one of my books should be arriving in the mail today!

XOXO Anna

Painting the Attic and Getting Sick

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I hate getting colds and Cody got a cold on monday and I caught it too. So we’ve both been sick since monday. I didn’t go into work today which was good because I slept most of the day. Cody and I were going to go halloween costume shopping and go to open mic night, but with how shitty he’s been feeling today we decided to stay in once he gets home from work. Plus he has a math test tomorrow and needs to study for it.

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We started painting the attic this past weekend and then we got sick so the bedroom is only half painted. But we really like the blue we chose. I can’t wait to move upstairs because there really is NO room for all Cody’s clothes and things. I posted it on FB and Siena texted Cody about it soon after and that proved my theory on her interest in him and wanting us to not be together. Even Cody was like, “There’s something up with her, she is acting weird you’re right.” That felt amazing to hear.

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Things with my sister have taken a turn for the worse…in the beginning of my relationship with Cody there was one night were I was drunk and he was too and we had sex. It was a mistake, and I felt like really bad after it and Cody felt bad too knowing what it reminded me of. We worked through it and we’ve obviously moved on. My sister, though, thinks negatively of Cody because of that one night. She thought he took advantage of me, which didn’t happen. We both were drunk and we both decided to have sex. It was a bad judgement call on both our parts. But my sister told my parents about that night between Cody and I and things got awkward. My parents talked to Cody telling him this in no way changed the way they thought of him, because they know how much he and I love each other and respect each other, plus they trust my judgement and see that I’ve been nothing but better since meeting him.

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Things in the house are back to normal but my sister told me that if Cody was moving into the attic that she wasn’t coming home for Christmas. She is also giving my parents a hard time. We are hoping things get better down the line with my sister but it takes two to tango, so until she is ready to make an effort things are going to stay the same.

XOXO Anna

California Enacts “Yes Means Yes” Law

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Yes Means Yes

That’s the article I just read. Honestly I am not sure what to think about it. I’m glad it’s gotten people talking but I am not sure the “yes means yes” is as good as it seems. There’s pro’s and cons to this law. What is good is that it’s acknowledging that women and men who get assaulted don’t always have the courage to say no and that silence is not consent. Sometimes they are being threatened or are too scared or aren’t really conscious or are wasted out of their minds.

I have to say though, this law does present some issues that people commented on. What if the person said yes but was coerced? That’s just one thought. And how would one prove that verbal consent was given, and under what circumstances?

I am lucky enough to have a boyfriend who asks me if I’m okay with having sex before it happens, or while we are making out. He even will check in with me during sex at times because he knows my history of sexual assault and being raped two times, and knows that sometimes while we are in the middle of having sex I could change my mind about continuing, and when I do, he gets off me and we get dressed.

I know that some people have commented that it’s ridiculous to ask every time before you have sex, but what’s the harm? Maybe it’s not “sexy” but it’s respectful.

What are your opinions on this new law? I still want to read more about it so I can make an informed decision and opinion.

XOXO Anna

Pregnancy

Okay, so my mom was like, “We need to talk.” I was like, “Okay, what about?”

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Then my mom starts talking about how Cody and I have sex everyday (sometimes a couple times a day) and she was worried about me getting pregnant. She and her ex-husband once got pregnant and he forced her to get an abortion, so I guess my mom didn’t want me to be in a situation that she once was in. Now I know this topic of pregnancy and abortion is one that has two strong sides, and I would appreciate no negativity towards my mom because of what her terrible ex-husband made her do. He did force her, trust me. He is a terrible human being and… he did worse to my mom than that, but anyways.

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I told my mom about what Cody and I talked about and how we would handle that situation and my mom was glad to hear that Cody and I had that conversation. I told her, “What do you think? I am not stupid, every time I have a boyfriend, if we are having sex, the conversation of pregnancy has been discussed. I am not going to have sex with a guy if we haven’t had that conversation.”

She was happy to hear that I was responsible with that. But it’s true, if you’re having sex with someone and can’t talk about what would happen if pregnancy occurred you shouldn’t be having sex. That’s my opinion on that. Sex is wonderful, intimate, hot, amazing, but it also comes with a huge risk. If you’re not ready to talk about that risk, have a plan, then you shouldn’t be doing it.

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But seriously most awkward conversation. Plus my mom and I have had multiple talks about birth control and all that shit, and I personally use condoms. I will NOT take a fucking pill that will send my hormones into whack and make me gain weight, change my chemistry and what not. I will NOT put anything up me as a form of birth control, and I will not insert anything into my arm that pumps out hormones. I don’t believe in that. In all honesty, I don’t like taking any meds ever because I don’t like having chemicals and hormones in me that change me. I am not saying that birth control is wrong, I think it’s a great option for those who want it and are okay with it. That’s their choice.

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I just get so angry with my mom because I’ve told her multiple times that I do not believe in putting hormones in me that change me. I told her condoms are fine for me and that was my decision. I told her that she shouldn’t ask me again in a couple months (because every time she knows I’m having sex with someone she asks) because my answer won’t change.

XOXO Anna