Had The Flu

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I’ve had the flu all weekend and this week. I went to the doctor yesterday and got a note because I wasn’t going into the city with a high fever to take my first exam. I emailed my professor and he said we could reschedule if I had a doctors note. I was so thankful! I was really worrying because I hadn’t made my flashcards and every time I tried I couldn’t focus. Today is the first day I haven’t had a fever and I got all my notecards done and have been studying a bit. Cody said he was going to help me later tonight with studying, so that should be helpful!

XOXO Anna

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Sick, Talking, and Sex

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Last night after I posted I got sick; I didn’t throw up but I had an upset stomach and felt nauseous. It sucked and I didn’t let Cody know. He was gaming and I dealt with it for three hours. Cody went to check on me and found me holding a trash can. He wished I had told him. I didn’t want him to worry. But he made me tea and got me water and stayed with me for a bit before going back to gaming. That kind of created some tension though for me.

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I wanted for him to not go back to gaming after he found out I wasn’t feeling well, but he said, “why can’t I do both?” I get it, he can game and care about me at the same time, but I just wished he would have stayed with me, but I didn’t tell him that, so I don’t blame him for not knowing.

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Before he left though I told him I was only going to be mad at him if he didn’t read the post The Story With Peter later that night. I told him I was waiting all night for that. He obviously wasn’t going to read it that night by his reaction. I told him he could go game but that I was expecting that he would read it later. He said that he said he didn’t want to read it because he didn’t want his mood to change, and I said I thought he meant earlier. I told him I was giving him the night to do gaming and whatever before he read it. In the end I felt disappointed and told him not to read it and to go game.

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He left looking pathetic and probably feeling bad. He did check on me after five minutes to make sure I was okay and I said I was starting to feel better. He left and I was about to write a post when he game in and sat on the bed. He looked really emotional and I was confused by that. He told me he read the post and was extremely angry. I wasn’t sure if I believed him so he told me some things I wrote and I new he didn’t skim but actually read it. We ended up talking about it, and honestly it brought up a lot. I was so happy that he didn’t blame me. In fact, he said what some others said when it first happened and I told people. He and others said that Peter sounded like a predator. It was just interesting how Cody used that word because others had too. It felt good that Cody didn’t blame me, believed me, and was angry about it.

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I did feel ashamed though. For the longest time Peter felt like a dirty little secret. Now it’s out for everyone to know or read. I am not sure how I feel about it completely. Part of me is happy that I feel like I’m not carrying that around like it is something to hide…and part of me feels very vulnerable because I shared that experience. I do feel embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed because of what Peter did to me. I don’t like feeling those emotions, but that’s the emotions that come up when I talk about Peter.

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This morning before Cody had to go to work we had sex, but I got slightly triggered so we stopped. I felt like crap because I got triggered again. It sucked. Cody told me that nothing changed when I asked if he looked at me differently. He still loves me and all that. I was just scared that if Cody knew all that then things might change or maybe he wouldn’t be able to look at me the same or that he would leave. Cody thought I was being ridiculous with thinking that but understood.

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I’m feeling better this morning though, besides still feeling a bit sick. Even though I was triggered, Cody and I talked. I went to grab breakfast and I am quite relaxed now. Hoping the rest of the day goes well! I’ll be grabbing lunch with Cody, and I should go grocery shopping… but probably won’t. Then tonight Cody and I will go out to dinner and come home for netflix and cuddling…so it probably will be a good day.

XOXO Anna

Still Sick…

Ill

It’s been almost two weeks and I’m still sick. I finally got my parents to take me to the doctors. I got prescribed antibiotics to take for 10 days. Hopefully the medicine takes hold soon because I am coughing up a storm and my nose won’t stop running, plus I have a on and off fever. My sister has my cold now back at college, and my mom is upstairs with my cold.

Being sick is the worst.

XOXO Anna

Went out last night!

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Finally I felt good enough to go out last night! My mom, sister, and I went on a ghost tour and then out to dinner with my dad. We went to this really good italian restaurant and I was so freaking hungry. But walking around for two hours on a tour was tiring, but after dinner my sister and I went back out into the party downtown and just walked around.

I went to bed around one. Today I am going to chill in the apartment until the evening because I am still a bit sick and don’t want to over do it.

XOXO Anna

Still Sick…

Planning on staying the day in the hotel…again… :/

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Texted Quick Silver and Andy yesterday because my roommate said that Luvas was out of food. Apparently Andy went the night I left to feed him. Quick Silver’s mom and grandma are in town so he has been spending time with them. All I know is today is St. Patrick’s Day and Quick Silver wants to avoid his grandma and mom at all costs since he wants to be drinking.

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I know that Andy will get shit-faced. I just hope that during the whole St. Patricks week hype Andy will be sober enough at times to go by and feed Luvas!

I am sad that I missed out on yesterday with my family, but I think I’m going to miss out again, unless I have the energy to go out to dinner or something tonight.

But another day of rest…

XOXO Anna

Building a defense…

So I remember posting about Ethan and our argument about Monster.

I know Ethan apologized that day, but it honestly hurt me very deeply that he said that. It hurt me that Dean told me I should have kept my mouth shut about it, and that it was extreme for me to report Monster. Ethan and Dean have made me feel like shit about doing the right thing.

I really need to talk to both of them, individually, about how their comments hurt me, and re-traumatized me by making me feel alone and as if they were on Monster’s side.

So the past couple days I’ve been building my defense against them. I know, its sad and sick that I would have to do this, but I just don’t know how else to do this. I don’t want to talk to each of them, and then them making it worse by saying that I was wrong all over again.

My sister made me text Ethan saying that I had to talk to him face to face when I got back to school. So Ethan knows I have to talk to him about something. I am honestly nervous to talk to him, because I don’t know what I would do if Ethan still took Monster’s side after the defense file I’ve put together for myself.

The problem is that most people aren’t educated when it comes to sexual assault and rape. Their are a lot of myths and misconceptions, and no one wants to think that their friend, family member, partner, class mate, etc. could be capable of something like that. Reading this article really spoke to me, and I think it will help when I let Ethan and Dean read it.

Yes, Your Friend May Be a Rapist

I hope that all goes well when I talk to them…and if they can’t see past their own ignorance, than I guess I’m better off without them…

XOXO Anna