Last night after I posted I got sick; I didn’t throw up but I had an upset stomach and felt nauseous. It sucked and I didn’t let Cody know. He was gaming and I dealt with it for three hours. Cody went to check on me and found me holding a trash can. He wished I had told him. I didn’t want him to worry. But he made me tea and got me water and stayed with me for a bit before going back to gaming. That kind of created some tension though for me.
I wanted for him to not go back to gaming after he found out I wasn’t feeling well, but he said, “why can’t I do both?” I get it, he can game and care about me at the same time, but I just wished he would have stayed with me, but I didn’t tell him that, so I don’t blame him for not knowing.
Before he left though I told him I was only going to be mad at him if he didn’t read the post The Story With Peter later that night. I told him I was waiting all night for that. He obviously wasn’t going to read it that night by his reaction. I told him he could go game but that I was expecting that he would read it later. He said that he said he didn’t want to read it because he didn’t want his mood to change, and I said I thought he meant earlier. I told him I was giving him the night to do gaming and whatever before he read it. In the end I felt disappointed and told him not to read it and to go game.
He left looking pathetic and probably feeling bad. He did check on me after five minutes to make sure I was okay and I said I was starting to feel better. He left and I was about to write a post when he game in and sat on the bed. He looked really emotional and I was confused by that. He told me he read the post and was extremely angry. I wasn’t sure if I believed him so he told me some things I wrote and I new he didn’t skim but actually read it. We ended up talking about it, and honestly it brought up a lot. I was so happy that he didn’t blame me. In fact, he said what some others said when it first happened and I told people. He and others said that Peter sounded like a predator. It was just interesting how Cody used that word because others had too. It felt good that Cody didn’t blame me, believed me, and was angry about it.
I did feel ashamed though. For the longest time Peter felt like a dirty little secret. Now it’s out for everyone to know or read. I am not sure how I feel about it completely. Part of me is happy that I feel like I’m not carrying that around like it is something to hide…and part of me feels very vulnerable because I shared that experience. I do feel embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed because of what Peter did to me. I don’t like feeling those emotions, but that’s the emotions that come up when I talk about Peter.
This morning before Cody had to go to work we had sex, but I got slightly triggered so we stopped. I felt like crap because I got triggered again. It sucked. Cody told me that nothing changed when I asked if he looked at me differently. He still loves me and all that. I was just scared that if Cody knew all that then things might change or maybe he wouldn’t be able to look at me the same or that he would leave. Cody thought I was being ridiculous with thinking that but understood.
I’m feeling better this morning though, besides still feeling a bit sick. Even though I was triggered, Cody and I talked. I went to grab breakfast and I am quite relaxed now. Hoping the rest of the day goes well! I’ll be grabbing lunch with Cody, and I should go grocery shopping… but probably won’t. Then tonight Cody and I will go out to dinner and come home for netflix and cuddling…so it probably will be a good day.