It’s Been 2 Years…

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Yesterday marks two years since Owen raped me. I didn’t blog yesterday because I ended up being busy. In fact, I forgot about the rape because Cody and I were doing so well. Cody gave me the perfect night last night and didn’t even realize it was the anniversary of one of my rapes.

It’s honestly crazy to think two years have passed since I went to SCAD. Time seems to have flown by. I definitely believe everything happens for a reason. I know that if Owen hadn’t have raped me, I wouldn’t have left Savannah and moved back home, and then I’d never have met Cody.

Having gone through a sexual assault and two rapes in the course of three years completely changed the way I viewed myself. The aftermath of those trauma’s was me thinking I was trash, worthless, an object, and unlovable.

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Though Cody had his own issues he brought into our relationship, Cody has given me the gift of knowing I am lovable. The guys I dated bailed on me with time due to the PTSD I had. Cody never even thought to leave when I had flashbacks. He held me and reminded me where I was. I never thought I would have come to the day where I forgot I was raped. In the past  each anniversary had so much hold over me.

I have grown so much over the past couple years, and I am so proud of myself for doing all the hard work of recovery. I do still on rare occasions have flashbacks, or relive feelings from the trauma’s, but they don’t disable me the way they used to. I used to feel handicapped every day. I feel much more free and confident these days. I know that I am worth more than sex, I am a human being that deserves respect. It took a while to get here, but I am glad I’ve gotten here.

XOXO Anna

Everything Happens For A Reason

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If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know the things I’ve been through since I went to college. It’s been over three years since my first sexual assault, over two years since my first rape, and over a year since my second rape. Going through that, I honestly thought my life was pretty much over. At least romantically… even friendships seemed too hard to have.

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This past year, being with Cody, he has taught me so much. I honestly never thought I would be “over” what happened to me. I live with it everyday, but it’s not as bad as it once was. Sure I have my off days where I will blame myself, or hate myself, or tell myself I deserved to be treated that way, but there are days where I know that it wasn’t my fault, and I love myself, and I know that I should be treated with respect.

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The progress I’ve made…I never thought I would get to such a good place, especially in the after math of it happening. Especially with friends either blaming me, taking the rapists side, or leaving me. I didn’t think I could heal. But I did. I have, and am still healing every day.

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There are days where I want to still curl up under the covers and cry because when I think back to it or if I have flashbacks -which rarely happen these days- I feel unsafe and scared. But those days are rare now. They are not my everyday experience. It’s taken a long time to heal, to really think that I can be loved after what I’ve been through. To believe that I should be treated with respect. For me to be able to believe that…it’s huge.

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Because of what I’ve gone through it’s made me want to do something. Do something to help other survivors, and yes if you’ve been through this or any type of trauma you are a survivor. It takes an enormous amount of strength to get through a trauma. Be proud of how strong you are. Acknowledge it. I did. That is probably one of my favorite things about me, is how resilient I am and how strong I am. I wouldn’t change a thing about what I’ve been through. It’s shaped me into the person I am today. I am strong, determined, resilient, brave, courageous, and I don’t back down and cower. For me, going through those trauma’s really in the end made me a better person. It took time to understand that though.

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After my trauma’s I hated myself, thought I was worthless, and wanted to kill myself at times. It’s taken a long time to get to this point of self-love, and acceptance. I still struggle, but for the most part I am okay.

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I am still not at the point where I feel I can be “out” about it, but I’ve made a lot of progress with it. I am pursuing a career in justice because of what I’ve gone through, and because of what almost every one of my girlfriends tell me they’ve gone through. I want to help the survivors and stop the perpetrators. I want things to change. I want there to be better sex education in schools. I think that over the past couple years, that there have been a lot of steps forward regarding rape issues, and talking about it. Rape used to never be talked about. Now it’s everywhere.

In my police class, my professor when talking about rape, I could see how disgusted he was. He hated how hard it was to convict a rapist, and he really was upset that rape is the only crime where the victim is accused. I personally didn’t have the best experience with the police and my rapes, but just seeing my professor be so affected helped.

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I know I can’t be a cop, due to my anorexia, and I don’t know if I could cut it as a lawyer. I do want to pursue my forensic psychology studies, but I also want to be a therapist. I have helped a lot of my friends, and even my own therapist said I would be a good therapist. That meant a lot to me. She was the therapist I saw for my traumas, and I worked with her until maybe a month ago.

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I want to be able to help survivors in some way. Whether it’s helping them through therapy, or emails and talking to them, or being a volunteer at a shelter. To me, helping others is the best thing I could do with my life. I love when I can really help  a person, and keep them from making mistakes I’ve made or I know others have made. I like seeing other people succeed. That is what brings me the greatest happiness. With going through what I’ve been through, it just made it so much more clear that’s where I want my life to go; to helping others.

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Hopefully through some of my blog posts I’ve helped people or at least they’ve learned through my own mistakes. If anyone ever wants to reach out, or even just ask me a question that you would want me to post about, or have a topic you want me to write about, email me and I would love to. I want to be able to write about things you guys want to read about.

Email: anonymousannaxo@gmail.com

(anything emailed to me will stay private if you want me to answer a type of question. I will just say Reader X asked this. As you know by my blog I like to keep things anonymous because it is safer and a more open environment)

XOXO Anna

Breakdown, a Call from my Sister, and Tough Love

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Last night was bad. Really bad. I broke down and it was extremely painful. I was really triggered. Cody and I were getting a drink before we headed home when he picked me up from the station, and I don’t know how but we got onto the topic of sex and blow jobs. Cody got turned on. We went home and I knew he wanted one, and he told me so many times that they weren’t important to him, that I shouldn’t ever give one if I don’t want to ( and he has said all this before, almost every time it’s mentioned) but I felt like I had to. Not because of him, but because of my past. So I gave one to him. When I stopped he knew right away from the look on my face I hadn’t wanted to do it and he got upset because he knew I wasn’t okay.

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I told him I was, he went to parkour, and I had a huge breakdown. I went to the shower to feel clean and I cried. I cried and cried. I screamed a horribly painful scream, that if one heard, they would think that person is in severe pain or being tortured. My screams even scared me. I texted Cody that I wasn’t okay. I eventually called my sister when I got out of the shower because all I wanted to do was self-harm or end it all because I didn’t want to feel all the feelings of abuse from the past.

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My sister had to talk to me, and I could tell something was off. I explained that Cody had told me not to if I didn’t want to, but because of my past I did it anyway. I then told her about Eric and how he shoved my head down and forced me to do that to him, and I think that’s when I could tell something was off with my sister. Eventually I told her I was okay (meaning I wasn’t going to end it all) and I went back to the bath with a safety pin and just cried again, not doing anything to hurt myself but crying. Cody came home and grabbed the safety pin, I screamed because I didn’t realize he was home.

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We ended up talking. My sister texted me for Cody’s number so she could call him and say things she figured I would never say to Cody, and she said she wasn’t going to yell at him. I stupidly believed her. Cody called India and took it in the game room while I sat in the bedroom still trying to calm down from the intense breakdown. At first I thought it was going okay and then I heard Cody say, “Of course I love her. I would never do anything to hurt her, I just want to protect her.” I knew it was going downhill from there. I didn’t hear everything but I was outside the door by the end of the conversation and Cody called me in.

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I sat on his lap and he said, “You’re sister really hates me. She hates me so much that she either wants me to leave you or for me to die.” Cody looked shattered. I know India can be very mean when she is angry. Cody said that from the conversation he had with her, he thinks that a guy forced her to go down on him. It’s true, out of all the times I’ve called her crying because of a trigger she has never called or wanted to talk to Cody until now. So maybe that is what happened. I don’t know, but it’s a suspicion. Cody and I are still shaken by what India said to him, including that he is a terrible human being who is breaking another human being (referring to me) and all this other shit, and saying that he doesn’t deserve me and that he should leave me, or that she thinks I want to leave him but wouldn’t and such. It was a really really intense bad conversation.

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This morning I had another talk with Cody. What my sister said really did hit me. I told Cody that he needed to put more effort in. I told him that if things keep going the way they are now, we really are not going to make it and won’t have a future together. I said that I deserve to be treated with respect, love, and care. I told him I don’t want to leave him, I love him, but I refuse to be with someone who does not respect me or care or love me (not that he doesn’t, he does, he just isn’t or hasn’t been showing it at all.)

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Cody agreed he got complacent, and he isn’t sure what happened or why, but he has promised that he will make the effort. I gave simple examples to him from the beginning of the relationship to now, like how if something was wrong, it didn’t matter what time it was he would be up and talking to me to make sure I didn’t go to bed crying. These days he says he is tired and goes to bed, and I sometimes cry myself to sleep a bit. Cody hated knowing that. That example made it clear to him that he really has gotten lazy with our relationship and he promised me he would do better.

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I really hope he keeps this promise, because I love him, and I would do anything for him, and I just hope he can do the same for me.

XOXO Anna

Cody Truly is a Unicorn

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In all my sexual experiences, no guy has ever put my needs first or has there been a time where we had sex and it was all about my pleasure instead of his. In my experiences it’s been all about the guy. I would be lucky if I came or even enjoyed the experience.

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Last night Cody and I had sex but it was all about me. Cody did whatever he could to pleasure me. He practically made me come internally while he was on top, which was new. After I said I couldn’t take anymore, he said, “Okay, wanna go to the shower to clean off?” I was shocked and said, “But you didn’t even get off.” He said, “I know, this time it was all about you. I wanted to pleasure you.”

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Cody has done that for me once before and I guess I had the same reaction I had this time. I was in shock. I am sorry, but in my experiences with guys, they don’t seem to care or consider the fact that the girl may not be enjoying it or may not have climaxed. Usually the experience is the guy taking lead until he gets off. It didn’t really matter if I enjoyed something or not. With Cody every time we’ve had sex it hasn’t been about just him. It’s been about us. Of course there are times where I just want to pleasure him, and I guess there are times where he just wants to pleasure me. I just am not used to that.

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I honestly felt like I didn’t deserve it, and maybe that has something to do with my trauma’s but I don’t know. I just couldn’t comprehend why he was doing that. Like, to me, it felt like that had to be a huge sacrifice because in my experience it was always annoying if I asked a guy for what I wanted…and Cody just gave me amazing sex and wanted it to be all about my pleasure. It really was unexpected. He said it wasn’t a sacrifice at all, but something he wanted to do. I kept asking about if he wanted to continue so he could get off but he said no. I couldn’t comprehend that. I just kinda tried not to cry afterwards but I kinda did. I was just so shocked in a good way. It was honestly one of the nicest things Cody could have done for me. He said it was one part of him trying to make it up to me that be betrayed my trust. He apparently is coming up with some surprise for me. That’s sweet though. I just can’t wait for saturday! I am so excited yet so nervous. Cody feels like he doesn’t deserve everything I am going to do for him on saturday.

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My dad made me realize two nights ago that I made Cody feel like I was going to leave. When Cody did go on that porn site on Christmas eve, I was really hurt and I said that I wasn’t sure if I could handle it and that if he did it again I might want to leave but I wouldn’t have the strength. So Saturday is my way of showing Cody that I am here no matter what. I am not going anywhere. I will stay with him through it all.

XOXO Anna

Going Back to GA on Sunday

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I am totally excited about GA! I am so happy to being Quick Silver and Andy! I’ve missed them like crazy. I’ll also be seeing Ethan…so that will be interesting. I am excited to show Cody everything and show him off to my friends.

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The only thing is I am crazy anxious about being triggered. What if I see Owen? What if I see Peter DJing some club? I doubt Monster would be there, but still.

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I hate that the place I love and miss brings such anxiety. I have been going through my blog and editing each and every post so it’s in categories, which was something I should have done ages ago. And re-reading some of my old posts made me sad. I read a post where I was talking about being freaked out about being hit on in Panera.

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I just hope that when Cody and I get to Savannah I don’t freak. I want to enjoy this vacation and not have to worry about my safety or being triggered, and more to the point, Cody shouldn’t have to worry about me being triggered. It’s not his job.

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It’s sweet that he wants to take care of me and all, but I am used to being in Savannah and dealing with it on my own unless I ask for help. Cody helps even when not asked, which I am not used to. It’s sweet, but sometimes I just feel so bad because I do feel like I’m a burden or it’s too much even if he doesn’t. Like I don’t want to be a downer.

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I want to be able for Cody not to worry. Like even tonight he was worried about me because Jack Daniels is kind of a trigger for me so he lied about it and when we got to his house I saw a bottle that he dad got. He said he lied because he was worried it would make me want to drink or something. I really hate that he worried about me. It’s sweet, but I can handle myself. Or if I can’t, then let me drown myself in my destruction until I get through it on my own. Yeah, I know self-destruction is not good, but sometimes I just want to do what I want even if it’s not the healthiest.

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But Cody loves me so much that he won’t let me self-destruct, which I am thankful for. But damn do I feel guilty about still wanting to at times. And yeah, I really don’t feel like I deserve someone as good as Cody. I mean, why do I deserve someone like Cody? I’ve been treated like crap by every guy…so why do I deserve the good treatment? I am not used to it at all, even after six months.

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Also India and her boyfriend left this morning, so it’s been strange to not have her around. I really wanted to breakdown this morning at 5:30 AM when I said goodbye. I haven’t cried yet, but it’s only a matter of time before I cry.

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I just am going into the new year hoping that things with my sister continue to get better, that Cody and I still remain good and happy, and that college goes well. If all that happens I will consider myself lucky.

Hope everyone has a good new year!

XOXO Anna

PTSD and the Future

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This morning Cody and I were making out and Cody answered one of my questions with, “I can’t help it, you’re so beautiful.” That was the biggest trigger ever. I didn’t know it was a trigger until this morning. That’s what Owen said as to why he raped me. Cody apologized right after he said it.

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I felt like I was back in GA and thought I was at Owen’s place. It felt as if the rape had just happened. It sucked majorly. I felt so stupid because part of me knew I was home, but the other part of me felt like I was back with Owen. It was scary. I definitely was flashing back. Not one of those extreme flashbacks where I really have no idea where I am or who I’m with , but one of those flashbacks where you seem to be okay and normal but inside your head your back reliving the trauma.

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Cody and I went to breakfast later and we talked about the future. We’ve been talking a lot about the future…our future. It’s been a week or so since I’ve felt this change. It’s a good change; it feels like the next step. We’ve talked about careers, the dog we want to eventually get, plans for apartments and even one day a house, and kids. We definitely talked about marriage, not that we haven’t discussed that before, we definitely have, it’s just this past week it’s felt more real. Something changed between Cody and I in the best way possible. I can’t describe it really, but it feels right to be with him and think of him as my future partner. Not to say that it didn’t before, but it just… you know when people say you know when you know…. it’s kind of like that feeling.

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But I am really happy with Cody, happy beyond belief. I never thought I would really be able to find someone I could be with, see myself with, for the rest of my life. But with Cody I see so many possibilities.

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I hope the rest of today gets better. My PTSD is a ROYAL BITCH today. My mind won’t stop wandering and I am totally anxious. I want to run away, like I have that urge to just get in my car and drive and keep going. Obviously I’m not going to do that but I really miss GA. I miss Quick Silver and Andy a lot. I really can’t wait until Cody and I take the road trip to GA.

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Cody and I talked a lot about Owen this morning, since I was triggered and all, and I guess there was just too much talk of him because I am still feeling all anxious and nervous and on edge. But tonight Cody and I are going to Parkour. We went last week and it was my first time and I loved it! Cody has been doing it for ages, so he is really good. Parkour is a lot of fun and it gets my mood up for sure. I hope I continue to work on my front flip this evening because last week we worked on that and I was doing pretty well for my first time, at least that’s what Cody told me.

Hope everyone’s having a good week!

XOXO Anna

Drunk and Hurt

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So I am drunk. I know I said I got through Monsters anniversary… but I saw Ethan wish Monster a happy birthday on the 10th. It really hurt me beyond belief. I wrote out a note to get out my feelings. Part of me wants to post it and part of me is hesitant. I am not sure what I’m going to do, but I want to be understood. I want someone to understand the pain that Ethan has caused by staying by my rapists side.

XOXO Anna

Lady Gaga’s Music Video

 I know that my mom told me to watch it and well, damn. It was triggering for me to watch but it was also important. I really do want to know what your thoughts on this are? I personally think it was brave and courageous for Lady Gaga to make a music video like this. It really does show the damage that is done.  Please comment with your thoughts 🙂

XOXO Anna

A Living Nightmare

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I haven’t posted in a couple days, and I can’t really post much now. Let’s just say things with The Case have gotten very scary. I will post all about it in a couple days, but for now things can’t be revealed. My family is barely holding it together.

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Last night, I self-harmed when I was drunk. Yes, that’s how bad The Case got. It made me so upset and sad and scared that I couldn’t handle my emotions and I needed that release. I am so disappointed in myself but my mom and dad keep telling me I have been incredibly strong through out the whole thing and that it’s to be expected to break down in the situation we are in.

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I know this post is vague, but when we get back in the country I will be able to explain the full situation at hand. I just hope things go well today, though it isn’t looking too good.

Hope everyone else is having a good day!

XOXO Anna

Not Ready

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After I posted Cody and I ended up having sex. I told him to go slowly in the beginning because I was nervous, because I didn’t want it to hurt because of yesterday. Maybe that was my first clue I wasn’t ready to have sex with him. The fact that I was nervous. It didn’t hurt, which was great, and it started out nicely. Something felt off though, and I ended up having to stop. I got triggered.

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I feel like a fucking failure and I know how stupid that sounds. But PTSD is a fucking bitch. Yesterday so much happened. There were tests done that were triggering to me for my rape yesterday and with that already being an issue, plus Cody coming home drunk from guys night, driving intoxicated, that was all just too much a reminder of the past I guess. I mean, Cody and I talked before we had sex. But maybe I am just not over last night. Hopefully I feel better later today.

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Cody also said to me once again, “Sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship.” I guess it’s true, but then again, how would I know that with my past being my past. I am used to being sex or money. So when I told Cody that I couldn’t continue with sex he said okay, got off, put boxers on, and just wanted to make me feel better.

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I felt bad though because I had gotten off and I had to stop before I got him there. He told me I didn’t have to feel bad and that this was his fault. I just guess I am annoyed at myself. I am annoyed because when I had sex with Cody this morning it didn’t feel right. It’s never felt like that with him, and that’s what made me so upset. In the past, there were times when I’d sleep with my boyfriend of the time and it didn’t feel as good or right and I’d just do it. But with Cody I couldn’t just do that. It didn’t feel right, and it felt like I would be doing something wrong to him if I’d let it continue. It’s not fair to him either. I mean, when we have sex it’s good, it’s making love, it’s positive, respectful, exciting, fun, playful, etc. But this time didn’t feel right and I don’t know what to think of that.

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I knew I was nervous to have sex because of the burst cyst and I wasn’t sure if there was going to be pain, but I was also nervous because I don’t know. It just… grr. I told Cody I might not be able to have sex later today, or tomorrow, or even the next day. It’s a possibility, but knowing me, I figure I’ll be fine to go again tomorrow. But I honestly don’t know. With the emotional whiplash of yesterday in the ER and the boys night fall out I just don’t know.

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Damn emotions.

XOXO Anna

Nightmares Always Do This…

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I don’t know if my last post sounded like I was fine, because I’m not. I went to shower after I posted and I just kinda cried a lot in the shower. Maybe PTSD stuff. I felt as if Owen had just happened. The amount of fear I felt and kinda still do feel is unnerving. I am super anxious right now, my mom made me take this homeopathic thing to relax. I am so not okay. Like fucking hell I’m feeling so scared.

My dad analyzed my dream and said, “You’re dream is telling you that if you don’t continue to face the Owen memories you will be married to them and never move on.”

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It makes sense. Next therapy session I have I’ll tell her we are going to do EMDR. It’s true, I knew I should be doing it lately, but was just kind of happy I wasn’t having to face all the memories, but this fucking dream makes me realize I do have to get back to EMDR.

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The worst part of all this is that I felt like I lost all the progress I just made. I feel scared to leave my house again. I feel scared to be intimate (physically speaking). I feel scared of just everything. I’m sure by the end of today it will pass, but right now I feel like a failure. I also kinda feel alone, even though my dad and mom are here. Like I am so mad because I wanted to self harm SO badly… That’s how bad my dream affected me. I was really debating on whether or not to go find a safety pin in my moms closet because she has them in her sowing box. I knew if I did, Quick Silver would be seriously disappointed in me, and Cody would too. So I stayed strong, but still… the last hour or so was fucking torture in my mind.

Not a good sunday…

XOXO Anna

I’m Scared

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I am scared and I am admitting that here. So this weekend was great, and I actually ate like a normal person for the most part for those two days. I felt so accomplished. Well, it’s monday and my parents aren’t here because I woke up so late and my breakfast plans fell through.

My mom’s been making me these amazing strawberry shakes for breakfast and a snack in the afternoon! I absolutely LOVE them! So with my mom not being at the house at 11, which why should she be when she has a job, I went to the fridge to pull out some milk to make cereal, which I have as a side to my strawberry shake. No milk. I grab yogurt, and I ate that quickly. Now it’s been a good half hour and I am still really hungry and I have no idea what to eat.

I read this post by Petite but Fierce (go check it out!) and it really resonated with me. I am always scared to ask for help. Before this weekend I did kinda yell at my parents so they would understand that my eating disorder isn’t as OK as it seems. Mom told me I can get a handle on it without going back to treatment. Hell if I have to go back to treatment for the third time I will feel like a total failure.

It’s not like I’m underweight. I am at a normal weight, probably because I haven’t been doing much besides EMDR and going back to the house to write. Once I sign up for the gym, that’s when my eating disorder and the severity of it will show I think. So I am really annoyed that the milk was gone this morning. It was my milk that I bought for my cereal.

I now am trying to figure out what the hell to eat! I know I want to eat and need to eat, I just am having anxiety about choosing what to eat. I want to feel healthy, but I have to remember that everything is healthy if it’s balanced. So I am going to stop in the middle of my post to go get food.

So that took like ten minutes. I couldn’t find any food that I wanted so luckily, I bought Ensure for times like these. I grabbed two ensures, which I will drink.

And if the eating disorder wasn’t bad enough as an issue to start struggling with again, the EMDR for Owen (who raped me) has brought up a lot. I can’t watch this really great show Happy Valley because it was too triggering. My parents are watching it and I just feel so left out. I feel stupid because I can’t watch an episode of it without having thoughts of Owen and what happened to me and all the emotions that come with rape.

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I have an EMDR session tomorrow and I am nervous to see my therapist to admit to her that since our first session on Owen lots of things have come up. That I’ve cried at least three times since the first session.

I am praying that the EMDR with Owen goes at a relatively good pace because I want it to be neutral like Peter and Monster. Right now, Owen is very painful. Owen is scary. Any guy who resembles his looks in any way to me is scary. I want to be able to live a relatively normal life. Though who knows about how normal dating will be at my new college… in all honesty I am scared about my new school.

I am scared about making friends. I am scared about if any guy will like me. I am scared about making the grades. I am scared about body image issues I’ll have once being in florida. I just pray that I can handle everything.

XOXO Anna

Sister’s visiting!

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So my sister came home this weekend! She is here so my dad can help her with some papers for her finals but I’m still glad she’s here!

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Texted Ethan and Quick Silver today. Since they’re both film majors they both were talking about set life. I miss Quick Silver. And in EMDR the other day a lot of stuff came up regarding Ethan and I realized that after Ethan asked if Monster raped me I lost something. I lost the friendship Ethan and I previously had. Ethan and I and our relationship would never be the same. I’m mourning that. Monster took a lot of things from me, but taking Ethan away was the worst. I’m dealing with it though.

I have to run to the pet shop today to get Sui some stuff and then my mom and I might sign up for a gym. I’m hoping my mom and I can go to the gym together because I want to start to get in shape before I go to school but I want to be healthy about it and make sure I’m eating correctly and not over doing my work outs. It’s easier to exercise when you have a partner.

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XOXO Anna

Made Progress!!

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So last night this guy that I hooked up with at the end of last quarter messaged me. So he came over and we watched Avengers…until we started making out. Then we did more, and more, and then I decided to have sex with him. You read that right. I decided. I didn’t post about him because it honestly wasn’t really anything.  This guy is a douche when it comes to himself because he is self-centered, egotistical, and narcissistic. But when it comes to women he is respectful and kind. I know, he is confusing. Never met any guy like him before.

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But all I am saying is I am SO happy that I was able to have sex. I honestly thought that Owen, after that, I was broken. I thought that I would never be able to have sex again and enjoy it.

When me and the guy started, after a couple minutes I did get overwhelmed and started crying a bit. He stopped and held me, asking me if he did anything. He actually tried to comfort me… not something I’m used to. But I told him I wanted to keep going, that I just needed a minute. He also doesn’t know my sexual history of sexual assault and two rapes. I didn’t tell him. I wasn’t ready, and didn’t think I had to since I thought of last night as a one time thing. Training wheels to get me back on track with my confidence. And after I composed myself, me and him had a really fun night. I almost at points forgot that Owen raped me. It was empowering. I felt like I wasn’t broken, that I still could enjoy sex, and give enjoyment to the partner. I felt hope. I felt like I had my confidence, or some of it, back in the bedroom.

Really happy right now! 😀

Plus, I got into another college!

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XOXO Anna

A PTSD Day

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I woke up this morning from a bad dream with Owen in it. It really got me down all day. I did go to my Acting class. We watched our comedy scenes. I then went to the crisis center. I then got my computer fixed, and then watched TV and then this evening went to AA.

Earlier today, I got a text from Ethan asking to hang. I told him that I was too busy today. I’m shocked he even reached out. I’m a little impressed- which is sad to say, but yeah.

Strange day…

XOXO Anna

Helping that Suicidal Friend Again

This time when I went over he was wasted, and I was in over my head. I didn’t know what to do, so I texted Quick Silver, and he talked to Andy and they both headed over. They helped me a lot with that friend. The thing was, I was not in a really good place to help him because he texted me while I was having my own PTSD breakdown. It wasn’t too bad and I wasn’t too far into it, but I was in a state where I was triggered easily. After a while of us being with him and watching a movie, Andy said that Quick Silver and I could go home. I think Andy saw how hard it was for me to keep it together.

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When Quick Silver and I got back to my place we hung out. I got my profile from him finally. I mentioned in an earlier post that I had given Quick Silver my profile of him, but he didn’t give mine because it was too late. So that was interesting to hear. We talked about my anorexia and how having no lighters and safety pins has made me fall back on my anorexia a bit. I’ve been doing my best to eat, but I tend to skip one meal.

I also had found video’s of Owen on my computer from last quarter and I had watched them before I went to help my friend. Quick Silver put the video’s on an external hard drive, so he could put them on his computer but delete them on mine. I was adamant about the video’s not being deleted. Quick Silver asked if he thought they would be helpful in the investigation and I said I had no idea, so Quick Silver was going to watch them and get back to me.

Quick Silver had a really sad experience in the romantic department this week. I would tell it, but I’m going to respect his privacy on this. I felt bad for him in the end, because when he was telling the story it seemed promising. But talking about romance got me down. It made me think about how I feel as though I’ll never have that sweet innocent feeling again regarding romance. Quick Silver assured me I would.

Also! I got Quick Silver to write, which he never does because as he says his hand writing is “dog shit” and yeah. He is left handed though, so that makes him cooler. His hand writing is kinda bad but it doesn’t matter to me. So he crumpled up what he wrote and I got mad at him because I wanted to keep it. I got it back from him and said I was going to tape it on the wall, then Quick Silver started to wrestle me for it. I have to say one of my favorite things is when we wrestle. It reminds me of how I used to hang with my old guy friends I think.

But I am glad I saw Quick Silver and Andy, I really was hoping I would see them sometime this weekend. I know Andy is on set, and so am I. I think Quick Silver’s set fell through but he has his script to work on, so I figured we would all be too busy. I am glad they came to help me because I was warned that my friend apparently has a violent streak when drunk.

Andy and Quick Silver are giving me an idea of what friendship is like, good friendship. It’s where you guys get to hang out have fun, yet be there for someone on the bad days too, and you don’t walk out on them.

XOXO Anna

Got hit on in Panera

Yesterday I got to Panera before my mom got there, so I ordered. I was wearing a black cardigan with a design of a skeleton down the spine. So as I’m walking to grab soda some guy says, “I don’t mean to worry you, but I can see your spine.” And I laughed. It was original and unexpected.

As I was waiting for my order he came over to wait for his and he introduced himself and he asked my name and stuff. My mom eventually got there and my order was ready so I left to eat with my mom.

As I was finishing my meal, I heard on the loud speaker, “Owen, you’re order is ready,” and I freaked out in my head. I was suddenly hyper vigilant and scared. My mom could see me get nervous, though she says she has seen me act like that before.

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The place to dump your dishes was over near where you pick up orders and I was too scared to go over there, so I asked my mom to put my dishes away while I waited outside.

When I got outside the guy who hit on me was there. He asked me if he could take me out to lunch. I hesitated but caved and said sure and he asked for my number and I gave it to him.

All the while I was scared. This guy doesn’t look like the typical guy one would be scared of, he actually looks sweet. But I can’t get over the fear. And he texted me and I’ve ignored it because I don’t think I’m ready to go out on a date yet. I don’t know how to let him down though. Guys are so annoying.

I just am not ready to go out with another guy. I will admit I am a bit fearful of dating. I mean, my track record isn’t that good. Ethan, Monster, Eric, Owen…not looking so good. I am not ready to jump back into the fire.

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XOXO Anna

Finally, Truly, Broke Down

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Last night, I finally really let myself feel what I’ve been suppressing, dismissing. My sister said she was shocked at how put together I seemed after Owen raped me, but she assumed I had been getting lots of help. She said she thought it was strange at how well I was handling everything, but she didn’t question it because it was positive.

I am here to say I am not okay. That’s okay. I eventually will be okay and hell, it’s understandable that I am not okay right now. I truly am not okay. I am not sure why, but Owen raping me is hitting me harder than when Monster did. But I talked to my sister about how I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it through the quarter and was debating on getting real help. I knew I needed real help, but having a counselor tell me she thought I needed IOP treatment was what hit me hard. Before yesterday I had been looking at PTSD treatment centers. Not lying. But I didn’t want to tell anyone because I thought it meant I was weak and couldn’t handle it.

I want to finish this quarter, and my sister said she would talk to mom and dad about me doing the IOP thing so I can finish this quarter out, then taking next quarter off for treatment.

I remember hearing one of my younger friends got raped her freshman year and she left school. I now understand why. I mean, with Monster I refused to acknowledge what happened, so I was in denial, which was how I made it. I am not in denial about Owen and that’s whats killing me.

I feel I need help, no, I know I need help. I am just afraid to ask my parents. I feel like I’m wasting their money and everything, and I feel bad because I can’t “just get better”.

But healing takes time. I know that. And sometimes you need that extra help. So hopefully my sister talks to my parents and there will be an open discussion about all this. My worst fear is having my parents say they don’t think I need that intensive amount of help. I don’t think they will say that, but when it comes to school, school’s always come first. The only time it didn’t was when I went to treatment for my anorexia. They saw that I needed that. They saw me go back to school. They saw me move on. So hopefully because I’ve already had to take time off school, they will be more understanding this time around.

XOXO Anna

Question about Self-Harm

Due to the trauma’s I’ve been through, I have self harmed.

I started out with lighters and burning myself, not bad, but enough to get the high.

After Monster, I started cutting the “XO”.

Then now, I’ve kinda gone back to burning in those intense moments of being overwhelmed with emotions.

What is the difference between burning and cutting? Why does one to one over the other? I am just curious. Trust me, I am not proud of the self-harm, and I do have positive coping skills. There are just some moments where I forget about them. I was just wondering if there was a reason I switched back to burning instead of cutting.

Self-harm is a taboo topic, I know. Most don’t understand why people self harm. It also is a topic that has a lot of shame surrounding it. I honestly, am ashamed to admit that I’ve done those things to myself in those dark times. I really don’t need to be judged. I logically know that it doesn’t make sense to those on the outside looking in. Be gentle if you comment.

XOXO Anna

Grocery Shopping and PTSD

Tonight shopping for groceries wasn’t an issue regarding my anorexia but my PTSD. I went to Kroger around 8 so it was dark and I was alone. I was terrified the whole time I was getting food, dreading walking out of the store and walking to my car. I dressed down, sweats and a tank with a jacket. I didn’t want to be noticed. I wanted to be invisible.

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I felt so stupid for being so scared earlier tonight. I felt defeated yet I feel successful. I went out at night, alone, and I got home safe, and nothing bad happened. It makes me feel a bit more confident about going out of my apartment once it’s dark. Plus the self-defense lessons help make me feel safe. I honestly kicked myself a lot earlier for being so scared, but I had to take a step back and remind myself that I went through something traumatic- again- and there will be issues.

There will be times when I am incredibly scared or anxious about my safety. That’s okay- as long as it doesn’t debilitate me and keep me housebound. Just trying to stay positive and not let the PTSD take over.

XOXO Anna