Bad Body Image, Jealousy, and Self-Harm

Looking at Body

Yesterday was a terrible body image day. I tried on shorts and couldn’t stand myself in them. I also had ice cream after me and one of the girls from treatment went for a walk. I felt bad about it later. I also just had other body image things going on.

Cody and I hung out later that day and went to open mic night. We saw his friends and hung out. I was supposed to get dinner but didn’t. I called Ethan because I was struggling with a lot. I was already feeling like crap because of my body image issues. Like I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc. Also the girl I can get jealous of was there and there were things that kinda just made the jealousy come up. Like I know that my jealousy isn’t because I’m afraid she likes him, it comes from the fear that he likes her. She likes girls, so that alone reassured me. But yeah. Stupid emotions. But because I was already having a shitty day and super low self-confidence, that’s why it got to me so bad, and that’s when I called Ethan.

I talked to him and he reassured me there was nothing to worry about and I tried to explain that I was having issues with eating. He said to just eat and I laughed telling him it’s more complicated than that, and he sure as shit knows that. He is very out of practice when it comes to helping me with my eating. But I don’t know I’m just bleh.

I’m in treatment while writing this, and we just did Body Image. I talked about my jealousy and how that affected my view of myself and my image. See, I hate jealousy. To me, being jealous is a sign of weakness, or not being good enough. To me, being jealous is fucking humiliating and I hate that feeling. That’s why I had such issues last night and I know that. I HATE admitting it, but it is important for me to admit and acknowledge. Lying does nothing good.

But I am so annoyed at myself for being jealous, I am kicking my self way harder than I should. I think that because when I was with Ethan and I did get jealous and there was a bad reaction to that, every time I do get jealous I just feel all those old feelings again. That’s also why I think talking to Ethan wasn’t as helpful, because he just doesn’t get the whole jealousy thing. He said that he also was jealous when we were together but like he never seemed to show it. I always, while with him, felt so insecure and I hated that about us. I guess last night just reminded me of a time when I felt weak and not good enough and that’s why I couldn’t eat or couldn’t bare to look at myself in the mirror without cringing or starting to hate on myself. There are days when I know I’m sexy. Then there are days like yesterday where I couldn’t stand my reflection.

***

I’m out of treatment now. I’ve been writing this post through out the day. I feel much better than when I started writing this post. I talked to one of the therapists after Body Image and talked about Cody, the jealousy, my sister, and my parents. The jealousy thing was easily settled. Then the main conversation was about my family, and how the situation with my sister has been stressing me out and making me have extremely strong self-harm urges. It’s not only just my sister, but its the whole family situation at home.

I went home to drop something off after treatment, then left to go to Starbucks to get coffee before Cody and I hang out. The family situation is so uncomfortable I rather sit in my car in the parking lot and blog instead of sitting in my room to blog. You’re probably asking why is she in her car instead of in Starbucks. To answer the question, I have like a couple minutes before heading over to get Cody so I just made my coffee and quickly pulled out my laptop.

But in all seriousness, my family needs to talk. We ALL need to sit down and talk about each of our concerns and talk about what everyone needs and is feeling. This not talking isn’t helping any of us. I know we are all stressing. My mom hates the situation between my sister and I. Same with my dad. Plus,tomorrow my dad is getting his pacemaker in. That’s another thing that’s going on, that we as a family need to be together for. We need to support each other.

***

tumblr_mw21zugHYm1s0krrio1_500

I talked to my sister this evening, and let her know everything on my mind. I kinda cried a bit while opening up to her. I am angry because I, earlier went to my moms closet to get a safety pin from her sowing box. I didn’t. But now I did. The thing that stopped me was thinking of Quick Silver and Cody and their reaction if I did go through with the self-harm. I don’t know if I ever wrote this when I was with Eric, but he once told me he understood the urges and how it builds and sometimes you just need that release. He once told me that I was allowed to self-harm as long as he was there to make sure I didn’t hurt myself too much. Not that I would. I mean, I use a safety pin and scratch until blood is there. I don’t and wouldn’t ever use anything but a safety pin because to me I can control a safety pin and the damage. Anything else is too risky and scary. But the urge has passed. I just wish things at home would get better…

XOXO Anna

Advertisements

Impressed

Yesterday we had Multi-Family group at treatment. Cody went again, and I am so happy he did! The things that were mentioned in that group were things that I am glad Cody was able to be there to hear. We talked about a lot of different topics, but I am glad that certain girls mentioned some things about what it’s like in our heads and our thought processes. One girl mentioned the whole thigh gap thing. I personally wasn’t as interested in that topic because I already knew that it is genetics that allow one to have one or not, and I’ve pretty come come to accept that. What interested me was that one girl, who is awesome, mentioned what it’s like to walk down the street and pass girls.

tumblr_ml1jm9lp371rng8zfo1_500

We all agreed that we compare. We will judge. We will be mean. Our thoughts can either be of jealousy, or they can be putting the girl down. I am not proud that I think like that at times, but at the same time, we all think of other girls as competition. Competition was a huge theme that was talked about. We are all very competitive people and we talked about healthy competition versus unhealthy competition.

We also talked about the fact that all of us tend to not have girl friends because, let’s all be honest here, girls can be catty bitches at times. Girls can be ruthless and mean. I grew up living Mean Girls. There’s a reason I stay clear of girls. I don’t want to be put down. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to have to change to fit in. I rather be with a group of guys who accept me for me.

Later in the evening Cody and I went out for food. I was drinking because I wanted to. I wasn’t sure if I would remember all the sweet things that were said. Cody ended up writing what he said in a note on my phone and this is what he wrote. P.S. made names of his friends into first initial to keep anonymous:

tumblr_ngzfhz5HMj1u0nn1fo1_500

You had such a good time with my friends while I was LARPing and I wanted you to know that that was because they aren’t just my friends. They are now your friends too. They really do like having you around and they are genuinely your friends. I know that Quick Silver and Andy would do anything for you but they are in GA, but while you’re here you have a fucking army of great friends who would always protect you for me. J, M, A, R, F, S, and all my friends you’ve met really do like you and should make you feel safe whenever you’re with them. J alone could protect you from anyone who tries anything on you. But the most important thing is that they are also you’re friends as well as mine and they really do enjoy you hanging out with them. You know that cause they asked you to hangout even though I was not there.

At Fin, we were talking about psych stuff. I was telling you how I think of you. When I think if you, your personality and who you are and your problems are two completely different and separable things. When I think of you and why I love you so much, your problems don’t even come to mind. I love you for who you are. Your problems do effect who you are but it damn well doesn’t mean that is who you are. Experience is the best teacher and with everything you’ve experienced, you have taken so much from it. That’s what makes you so strong. As much as it affects you, you look at it from a 3rd person view and take from it the lessons you need to grow. You learn from everything you’ve been through and that’s how you have become so intelligent about what’s going on and why you’re so strong. You were very impressed by the way I thought because we think in very similar ways. I explained how even though I say bad things about Ethan, I do realize that it is bad and that being this jealous of the guy who has been the best relationship you’ve had before me but how my irrationality has taken over but how I at least realize that it is happening.

How fucking sweet is this??

tumblr_mtp2zhmwR61s9prw9o3_250

But yeah, it was nice to read that and for him to tell me again this morning. I’ve never had anyone in my life since college started that saw me and my problems as separate. I love that Cody sees that I am not what happened to me. That means the world. I mean, I’m sure Quick Silver and Andy didn’t think like that, but I just…Ethan and all my old friends, they for sure just saw me as my problems, at least that’s the vibe I got.

Anyways, having a good day so far. Had breakfast with Cody. I’m going to take Luvas to the vet to get his paw checked out because he won’t walk on it and then I might go hiking with one of the girls from treatment. Later Cody and I will go to open mic night and then maybe Karaoke at the bar.

Hope everyone’s having a good day 🙂

XOXO Anna

Ignorance About Treatment

I came home today and had bought a box of pasta, ice cream, and smart food. I had some ice cream because I was craving it. I mentioned to my mom I might want food later and she asked what I needed. Of course she started with “do you need string beans?” Maybe she said it innocently, but to me, it was not innocent. I finish snacking on my ice cream and I shower.

tumblr_m2c9cmUyLG1rtdb9mo1_500

I come downstairs to blog and relax and mom mentions something about me and Cody eating out all the time. She then starts asking why Cody and I always eat together. I start getting angry. I tell her to back off and leave it alone. She won’t drop it. I tell her it’s nice to eat out with Cody. I tell her it’s easier on me, it means I don’t have to make my meals. She says she can make my dinner, and Cody can go to his house and eat dinner at his house. She asks what Cody did to eat before he met me.

There are many reasons I like to eat with Cody.

  1. It’s fun
  2. He is supportive, and will help me with the meal if he sees me struggling
  3. I don’t have to prepare a meal (because making meals is anxiety provoking enough for me to just skip eating)

tumblr_nluvvfX5NK1tfcfpqo5_250

I told my mom to back off and let Cody and I eat meals together. I told her she can’t talk about my treatment or my eating since she hasn’t been apart of this round of recovery. Cody has, and dad has. Those are the only two who can make a comment on eating and what might be beneficial.

tumblr_n9s75jxZ2Q1smcbm7o1_250

I am really annoyed at my mom. I am angry, mainly because, to me, having her say that Cody and I should eat separately, is essentially saying to me that she is taking support away from me. She is making meals harder. I know that’s not what she intends. I know that she believes that, actually I don’t know.

I’ll apologize to her for yelling, but I honestly, if she starts with talking about my meals and food again, I am walking out of the room. Cody and dad have gone to the Family groups. They have been there to eat meals with me. Not mom. Not my sister.

tumblr_nfz4fvOxZL1qatd7ho1_500

Well, now to enjoy a couple glasses of Proseco and pray things stay calm tonight.

XOXO Anna

Secret Letters

tumblr_n25usnuvf31rbgp12o1_500

In my room I have one of those fake books. I have all these secret letters and notes that I’ve written over the years. I was downstairs in the kitchen with my mom, drinking a celebratory glass of Proseco, when she pulled out a note and I recognized it. It wasn’t a suicide note, per se, but a goodbye note in case anything happened to me. It’s dated 12/17/13. I remember writing it.

I thought that I’d gotten rid of all goodbye/suicide notes because Eric told me to get rid of them all because it wasn’t good to have around. I just went back to my secret book and found the second draft of the letter that my mom had found. She found the first draft, and yes I’ve written multiple drafts before to get it right. I mean, if I was writing a goodbye letter I had to make sure I didn’t leave anything out.

tumblr_nc5mh8q4ym1tq4of6o1_500

Reading it makes me sad. I wrote to my sister, “What can I say…Thank you. Thank you for being there when no one else was. You are the reason I keep going. So thank you for being so un-judgmental and loving. I couldn’t have asked for a better sister. I love you with ever fiber in my bone.”

tumblr_mi23h8NoER1rngqxeo1_500

I wrote this letter before I admitted what Monster had done to me and it makes me sad to see what I wrote to him. To know that I was trying so hard to stay in denial really makes me sad.

tumblr_myrzsfybTP1rg59zao1_500

I did get rid of the suicide letters for sure. But then again, there is a suicide letter on my computer. It was written for a class assignment. I originally wrote it when things were really bad with Ethan over the past year. I changed things of course and made it fictional for my assignment but it was inspired from true feelings. My teacher loved that I chose to write a letter for the word count. We could only write up to 500 words and a letter was a good way to meet that requirement he said.

Looking through my secret letters it’s kind of funny. Some are about how frustrated I was with Ethan during our relationship. I swear there are so many “fucks” in the letter I can’t believe I got a sentence out. I also found a note that I wrote when Ethan and I were first getting together and all my worries and Ethan’s friend Dean (who I’ve mentioned before, and that we have a rocky history) helped me that night to fight my irrational thoughts.

tumblr_ltvs95i6Sh1qm6oc3o1_500

I also found a note from my first kiss! It’s dated November 29th, 2008. Reading it was really funny to see how nervous I was. I remember my first kiss and I am so annoyed with it. I wish I hadn’t been so nervous or just wish it hadn’t been on a dare in front of everyone. I really liked this guy too, but I didn’t want him to know. Then I had to kiss one of the other guys that night, that I had had a crush on in the past, and I described it as kissing a stuffed animal. It’s cute to read some of these notes and see the innocence I used to have.

I also found a note to this guy I met in Australia. We still Skype every couple of months, which is awesome. It’s been like five years and we still talk! Speaking of which, I need to Skype him soon so I can update him on all of the things that have happened!

In all honesty, I kind of wish I didn’t throw those suicide notes away. It expressed all my pain once I realized what Monster did to me. I do have my journals though, and damn. I’ve tried to go back and read those and it’s really hard. I mean, I am a very sentimental person and also with the PTSD and trauma my memory isn’t too sharp. I like to occasionally refresh my memory of how I felt or what I was going through.

I might just skim through my journals… I kind of want to know what I wrote about Monster once I realized what he had done.

XOXO Anna

Crazy Couple of Days

tumblr_n7cujrgOsw1smcbm7o1_500

On Monday my dad was in the hospital. His heart stopped during a stress test and he needs a pacemaker which was the best outcome after all the tests. I’m just glad my dad’s okay and will be getting the pacemaker in the next week. In my treatment center, my therapist is leaving. That was rough, and on monday in treatment when we went for a walk, I saw a car like Owens in the parking lot so that was not fun.

Yesterday was pretty chill but a bit stressful still. Cody got drunk at the bar we go to and I was tipsy myself and I ended up driving us back to his house. We fell asleep but he was feeling sick and puked a little. I felt so bad for him, and he said he hasn’t been drunk in a long time.

tumblr_inline_mn7f20nNG21qz4rgp

Today has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. Morning started off with my family talking to me about something, but the misunderstanding was quickly settled. I then met up with Cody at the coffee shop we go to, and well…things were not the best. We were talking about things and my past came up with Andy and that made things tense a bit. Cody was very jealous. I had a conversation I had with Andy screen shotted in my photos and Cody found it and was reading it and I had to explain the context and everything. Then we talked about ex’s and other past things and I told Cody that I wasn’t going to be the type of person to forget a name of someone I’ve done something with and he was like what do you mean, and I said I keep track. I said I had a list on my phone, and I swear he has never grabbed my phone so quickly.

tumblr_mascghSplR1qgmox9

My list is kinda long but not… like the list isn’t just people I’ve had sex with. The list contains people I’ve simply kissed or made out with. Cody looked and scrolled through the list and looked back at me with a face that said, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

I am not proud of my past and his expression just kinda made me feel very slutty. I am by no means a slut. Most people I know have slept with double the amount I’ve slept with and had triple the amount of hook ups. So I am not a slut. I am very particular about who I sleep with or do things with.

Cody and I smoothed things over but still, I was sad that Cody got so upset by my past. Wasn’t a good feeling. But again, we are good.

I then went to NYC to do the application process, and I sat down, showed my transcripts and high school diploma and she went to make copies and came back and my mom asked how long it would take to know if I got in and she replied with, “Oh, you’re already in. You have the grades. You just have to fill out the application and send me a confirmation that you’ve paid the fee and in three weeks you will be meeting with your advisor to sign up for classes.”

tumblr_n3erp5drwB1smcbm7o1_500

I am so fucking happy about that! I got in! I am going to NYC! Super fucking psyched!

I get home and my sister is in the kitchen and we actually talk. She claims I don’t love her. That is totally false. I would take a bullet for her. My dad said that as a family we would all talk about it. But tonight we are going to be going out to celebrate the fact that I got into the school I wanted to go to!

Hope everyone out there is having a good day!

XOXO Anna

Multi Family Group

In treatment, tuesday is the day to bring loved ones. Family, friends, partners. Lots of people yesterday brought people and had people who came to support them. It was strange for me to go to Multi-Family Group alone. I just hope next week someone will be free to come. Even my therapist outside of treatment said it would be good for me to know I have someone. Logically, I know my support system, but in treatment, they said that sometimes just having someone show up can make a difference.

XOXO Anna

Treatment Day 2

tumblr_nesjvfrTuc1shqzgvo1_500

Today was much better than yesterday. I am so fucking happy that I was able to eat this mornings breakfast. It was egg and cheese on an english muffin. I don’t like egg, but I got it down. I finished it! Then groups were good throughout the day. Lunch was an easy meal because I like caesar salad but I forgot they put a roll of bread with it. The size of the salad seemed daunting, but I ended up eating everything.

I just got home because I had a doctors appointment and I was planning on napping but the cleaners are here so I can’t. I am seriously exhausted.

tumblr_n92pgvpgnb1s8c6bfo1_500

Oh! Funny moment in treatment today was that when we all sat down for lunch, one girl sitting across the table was like, “Is that what I think it is Anna?” She was referring to the lightest most least noticeable hickey I’ve ever gotten. I was embarrassed and she said she noticed it when she first came in this morning. Everyone was looking at me and I guess I went red because they were joking about my reaction. They assured me they’ve had worse and it wasn’t a big deal. See, last night I made Cody stop kissing my neck because I wasn’t sure what the girls would think if I had a hickey. I love having my neck kissed and I love hickeys too, so it took a lot of self control to tell Cody to stop, but now that they didn’t mind it or think less of me because of it, I won’t tell Cody to stop next time.

Anyways, having a good day so far. I still have to have a snack before dinner which sucks…and then I have to eat dinner… Why do you have to eat three times a day? It’s just hard because I have to face food three times a day plus when I have a snack. Like damn. I guess I’ll go see if I can make that snack now… and then pray that I can get a nap in!

tumblr_n7d5v8cA9M1smcbm7o1_250

XOXO Anna