Triggers During Pregnancy


I was extremely worried when I found out I was pregnant. I was scared that my anorexia (ED) would take over. If you’ve read my posts, you know I refer to my anorexia as ED. I still get ED attacks every so often. Not as often as I used to when I was really sick, but still when they happen they can be extreme. I had hot chocolate for the first time in…. maybe a year the other day. I absolutely had an ED attack. ED was telling me that because I drank hot chocolate I was going to be fat, so I had to eat salads for the rest of pregnancy. I know, it sounds crazy, even as I typed it. But when ED attacked, the scary thing is it seemed logical, rational. Luckily, Cody was there and calmed me down and grounded me and we talked through the irrational thought. I challenged myself by making sure I had hot chocolate again the next day, and also today, to de-stigmatize it. I still feel guilty that I drank it, but not horrible about myself.

Another trigger has been getting the classic pregnancy round stomach. There are days where I am happy about it, and I’ll  rub my stomach and talk to our unborn son, but there are days, when I feel so crappy about my body I don’t want Cody to see me. For the most part, I think I’ve been doing an amazing job with eating when I am hungry and doing my best to stay healthy. On the other hand, I feel guilty whenever I don’t eat a balanced meal.

I am nervous about post pregnancy and dealing with my body. I know that will be a challenge, but I am hoping that I can overcome it. I am taking one day at a time, and reminding myself that I have to nourish myself so our son can be healthy.



Anna Rexia


I never knew there was a costume out there like this until now, so I apologize for not being in the know, but this costume is sick. I honestly don’t understand how society could make a costume like this. I’m sure many others have ranted about this too. This is offensive all the way around. Anorexia is not a joke. It’s not something to be “sexualized” or something to want. It’s a terrible thing to deal with. Anorexia is not glamorous or something to look up to or think that the person is strong because of it. This costume undermines the severity of the disorder. Anorexia is deadly if not treated. To me, the whole process of anorexia is a slow death, because essentially you are killing yourself slowly by starving. It’s not fun. It’s not something to joke about. It’s not something to be made into a costume with some  “sexy” woman wearing it. Sorry for the rant, but seeing this just infuriated me beyond belief.

Maybe it’s because I am currently trying so hard to stay in recovery and keep eating. It’s not easy and it’s not fun. It’s one of the toughest battles I’ve dealt with (and still do deal with) in my life. Hell, I had to have Cody help me eat breakfast today because I just didn’t want to eat.

The amount of suffering and loss that comes with this disorder is unimaginable. So seeing a costume like this is completely offensive and insensitive. If society makes a costume for “Anna Rexia” why not make one for another disorder or disease? You know why they don’t? Because it’s wrong and sick and completely offensive. Plus, just seeing this costume is triggering to me. For me in my own disorder, the model in this image triggers me, plus the costume itself triggers me. Maybe I never used a measuring tape but I did use a scale.

Honestly society is a huge disappointment when it comes to understanding mental illness. It’s time that society becomes more informed and takes this stuff seriously.


One Year, School, Triggers, and Job Interview

It feels like I haven’t posted in a while. But it’s been one year since I signed up for WordPress, so I had to post. I tend to not post while trying to process through things.



Cody and his school work… oh that’s been hard. He has a test right now. Last night we started the homework and studying. Cody got frustrated maybe a half hour into doing the work. He didn’t finish the first lesson and got frustrated when looking at the second one. I got him to watch me do some problems so he would understand how they were done. I’m hoping he does alright, but we agreed the new way to handle homework is to do some problems each night so he isn’t overwhelmed the night before it’s due. Cody texted me and since he was late and only had twenty minutes before his class ended he didn’t go. I guess cody wasn’t exaggerating when he told me how hard it was going to be to get him to do his work and pass his classes.


Lately I’ve been triggered by Monster stuff. Monster and I got together around this time two years ago. Last year I was reporting him and waiting to hear back from my officer around this time last year. I also was kinda single and didn’t have a real, close, intimate, healthy relationship.


I’ve been projecting things that are Monster related onto Cody, and now that I know that’s why I’ve been off it makes me feel better. This is the first guy I’ve loved since Monster, and knowing my feelings for Cody makes me realize how little I did love Monster. Blair says it best above my feelings for Cody.


At least I now know why I’ve had irrational thoughts and feelings. But Monster and I got together around this time two years ago. I think it was on the 17th actually. Anniversaries are the worst. They always bring things up. Cody said he hadn’t noticed me being different or off. I let him know though so if it does become noticeable he will at least know why I’m off.


My parents even have been on my case because I’ve been so angry and irritable lately. (my mom is sitting next to me and literally as I was writing that sentence asked me why I’ve been so irritable). I haven’t told them it’s because of Monster issues. I probably will tell them eventually.


I finally have that job interview at that diner I applied to. It’s at 2:30 and I’m nervous. I hope it goes well…Only time will tell though. Hoping I get the job! Fingers crossed.


Trying to Process…

There’s so much to write…at the moment I’m not exactly good. I am not in a good mental state, as in, I’m currently writing while I’ve been triggered to Monster. But before I get to that, let’s start with last night.


Last night I had a friend come over while Cody was here. We got to catch up and talk and it was nice. Then Cody and I went to the gay bar to meet up with people. Serena was there, and we talked and we seem to be on better terms. I was drinking and having fun, dancing with Cody’s friends. There was a point in the night where I couldn’t find Cody. It was after one of his drunken friends was dancing with me a little… too closely I guess. I just felt like Cody wouldn’t have been cool with it, and I couldn’t find him. I eventually gave up and kept dancing. I later found out Cody had left the bar because one of his friends took him for a ride in his nice car. That… I don’t know. I guess I would have liked to know Cody was going to leave rather than freak out because I couldn’t find him and feel scared.


Last night is kind of foggy because of I guess emotions and how emotional I eventually got. Things tend to blur when I get over emotional ever since my trauma’s.


I eventually found Cody and got him on the dance floor and everyone was having fun. I don’t remember how Cody left the dance floor but he did. I remember later that night Cody was outside the gay bar with friends, while two of his guy friends were with me on the dance floor. We were having fun until it got a little too close for comfort. One guy in front of me, the other behind me, both grinding up on me. I knew Cody would not be happy with that. It made me feel uncomfortable. I got out of it after a bit and I did tell Cody.


As people were leaving, Cody and I were going to leave. One of his girl friends, she tried to kiss me before I left. I pulled away. Cody’s mouth dropped open and begged me to kiss her. That made me feel like fucking crap. I got really angry with him. The girl friend understood where I was coming from when I told her I didn’t want to kiss her. There are many reasons I didn’t kiss her.




  1. To me it’s cheating. I don’t care if its a guy trying to kiss me or a girl. If I do anything physical with another person it’s cheating.
  2. Cody was watching. It felt… gross. It brought up a lot of Ethan memories. (Ethan once had a chance at a threesome while we were together after Peter. He didn’t take it, but knowing that that was his fantasy made me always feel like I was never enough, so last night brought out those emotions)
  3. What if I ended up liking it? Not that it would be a bad thing, but when in a relationship there’s a reason you don’t do things like that. It can seriously fuck up a relationship.


Cody and I talked. He apologized. I was definitely off when we got back to my house. I think we talked again a little. We were then in a good place, and we had sex. But see this time was different. Way different. The first time I felt this was when I wrote this post. That night it really hit me that I couldn’t just push away emotions and stuff.


But last night, when Cody and I were having sex, well, let’s just say last night was my favorite time. Not to say all the other times weren’t awesome, but last night… it felt…special. And yeah, I feel like  a stupid sap for writing that and feeling that, but it was really different. Maybe because we made a lot more eye contact, or that we were talking during sex. I mean, I enjoyed that. It did make it feel more intimate. More like I’m a person. There were things said by Cody and it just…it made it so much…more meaningful. Knowing his thoughts and feelings while having sex, I mean, can it get any better than that?

I’ll mention only one thing that he said, because the other stuff, that’s just for me. I don’t want to share that with anyone else. But he told me, while we were having sex, that it wasn’t just sex, it was ….making love. *shudders*

Don’t take that shudder as in I think it’s a bad thing. It’s so not. The fact he feels that way means …a lot. I’ve felt that way since that post I wrote about my feelings that I linked earlier in this post.

See, the whole making love thing…it brings up a lot for me. Hence why I got so… idk. Hearing him say that, while having sex, well that just blew my mind. I just don’t want anyone to think I’m cheesy for the whole making love thing versus sex. It’s true though. There is a huge fucking difference between sex and making love, at least to me. Sex is sex. It’s meaningless. It’s exercise. Making love… that’s intense. Passionate. Caring. Respectful. Meaningful.

Cody finished and I didn’t. I went to the bathroom because I was seriously emotional. See, I read somewhere that what someone says during sex is meaningless because it’s said in the heat of the moment and the person may not mean what they’re saying. So, with everything Cody did say to me during sex, and with that thought that it could have been meaningless, that got me down. I was going to finish myself, and Cody came in and he said he would try and help me get there. I just couldn’t get that thought out of my head that what was said could have been meaningless so I told Cody I just didn’t want to finish.


Cody knew something was up with me. I honestly couldn’t voice what was going on in my head for a long time. The fear of judgement or rejection just paralyzed me. I didn’t want to be looked at as emotional, and a girl, and weak, or stupid or anything else negative. I just was scared. Emotions are scary at times, as I’ve probably written many times on my blog. I eventually got Cody to figure it out because I wasn’t going to just fucking say it, I couldn’t. He got there and assured me he meant it all. That made me feel better. The reason I was so scared was because I didn’t want to hear that what he said wasn’t true, because I let myself believe it was true, until I remembered what I read about people saying things they don’t mean during sex. But it was nice to know that Cody meant everything.

We ended up going to bed at 5 AM and Cody had work today. We woke up at 9:30 this morning and went out for breakfast. I was quiet during breakfast because there were so many thoughts going through my head. I was re-playing events from last night in my head, trying to process it all. Still trying, as I’m writing this.

Breakfast this morning, Cody ate. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but he struggles to eat, not because of an eating disorder, but because he gets nauseous easily. He ate everything on his plate. I was happy that he finally was able to eat. I ate half my belgian waffle. We were driving back to my house, and Cody said he felt like he was going to puke. I asked if he needed me to pull over and at first he said no, then at a stop light he said yes. I pulled into a parking lot parked the car and Cody got out and started puking.



That triggered me beyond belief. I had to turn my music up loud because I was triggered. I stupidly looked at Cody when he first bent over and puked. After that I was a goner. I shut my eyes, covered my ears with my hands, blasted the music and prayed for it to be over soon. If you’ve read my posts about Monster, you will know that before Monster raped me I puked. I also once was having a flashback back at school after a party one night and a friend started puking and it made my flashbacks worse. I didn’t know where I was. It was scary. So, every time I see or hear someone puke I get crazy triggered. Plus, I have anorexia, so seeing someone eat so well and then puke it up so soon after just kind of made me scared and uncomfortable.

I don’t blame Cody at all nor am I upset at him. I just feel bad that he felt so sick. I wish he hadn’t. But I am doing okay, now as I’ve written everything out. But for a while I just was so scared after the puking. I mean, Cody opened the door and touched me and I screamed. He was just asking me to get him some water, but that’s how triggered I was. Cody was late for work today, and I really hope he doesn’t get chewed out. I feel bad about that. Also with the puking, it made me want to puke, not because I wanted to get rid of food, but because seeing someone puke or hearing it makes me feel so sick. I knew though if I puked, then I’d … I don’t know, freak out even more than I already was.

So this morning hasn’t been the best… but I am doing better. I am watching Dexter right now to try to relax. I just hope Cody feels okay.  Gosh, so much has happened within the past 24 hours. Trying to process it all. Allow myself to feel. Cody helps a lot though with that. The fact that he voices his feelings, wishes, thoughts, desires, plans first makes me feel comfortable with acknowledging to myself I feel that, and then it allows myself to accept I feel it, and then I finally gather the courage to voice my feelings. So it’s a process to get me to the point where I can say what I’m feeling, but with Cody always taking lead, it really helps me. I mean, I get he knows a lot about relationships and healthy relationships and what they are supposed to be like. I am still learning what a healthy relationship is supposed to be and what it feels like. I am glad he is teaching me though.



Sometimes I just feel like an abused puppy from an animal shelter though because I can be so skittish or shy or cautious. It took my dog Rusty a year to finally accept that we loved him and weren’t going to hit him. Abuse can really take a toll on the soul. It takes time, and reassurance, and consistency to finally break free from all the fear that one has from an abusive past. I am just glad that Cody is so good at reassuring me, and doesn’t get annoyed with me, and that he is consistent! Consistency truly is key with me, and the fact that he is consistent is probably one of the reasons why I have come this far with my progress regarding relationships, emotions, and trust.


Past Demons

Yesterday was a very rough day. Lots of things were still coming up from the previous night with Cody. At treatment I had to Ensure it. I felt like a failure or disappointment. I did hang out with some of the girls after treatment though, and that was really fun.

I went to dinner with Cody and two of his friends at this place called Mecha Noodle bar. I was not a fan. I figured I wasn’t going to be eating too much if we went, but I got a Proseco which made me happy.  Then Cody had to go to Target, so me and his friends went to a bar. Once Cody got back we went back to his place so he could get things ready for LARPing. I was wearing a really hot outfit. I haven’t worn something that hot since I was back at my old school.


Yesterday was really rough because in treatment we talked about shopping and other things and the whole day all I felt like was a sex object. That’s part of the reason I wore the outfit I did for Cody, but the other half was that I wanted him to have a good last impression of me before he went away this weekend.

Cody and I had amazing sex again last night. I got emotional…again. *sigh* I was not happy at all. It really did remind me of Deb and Rudy, though. That’s not comforting if you think about who Rudy really is. But, I think I’m getting used to whatever emotions I am feeling.

I also figured out where my anxiety was coming from this past week! See, in my past relationships, whenever one of us would go away for a weekend, or part for the summer, things either got bad between us or we ended the relationship.  That’s part of where my separation anxiety comes from. I know, Cody is not any of those guys, but because every time I’ve parted with a partner for a weekend or summer things went wrong or ended, I’ve been conditioned, in a way, to expect bad things when one partner leaves for a trip.

I do realize the irrationality of this, and that’s why I feel better right now. Plus I also told Cody to just check in with me, like a text or something. See, for me, radio silence is one of my biggest triggers, whether it triggers my restriction or self-harm.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know of all my shitty past relationships. I don’t know if I’ve written about this yet, but why not.

Radio silence sucks. It scares the hell out of me. What’s worse, is when you reach out, and you’re further ignored. Ethan and I never really had a radio silence problem, but Monster and I did.


When I went home for winter break my sophomore year of college, Monster practically fell off the face of the earth. There I was, trying to figure out if I was going to be going to treatment the first time, and he was gone. Monster said he was going on some trip with no service. Checked Facebook, and he had service. My messages were ignored, and he never sent a message to initiate conversation. That was probably when I was my worst in my anorexia, because that silent treatment killed me. I didn’t know if he was okay or not and I knew I wasn’t okay.  I think that’s when I was eating only a snack in a day. If even that. I was at my lowest weight then, I believe. I starved myself for the two or three weeks where Monster was ignoring me.

With Captain America, who I’ve mentioned on here minimally, also gave me the silent treatment. Captain America was the guy who I used as training wheels after Monster. I knew Captain America was safe because he was Christian and a virgin. Captain America was great at spoiling me with gifts, but terrible at being there emotionally. Once summer came, it was as if I didn’t exist. He was always terrible at responding to texts, but over that summer, I swear as if I was dead to him. I would send a message and maybe get a response two days to a week later. We skyped a couple times, but only because I begged. It sucked. I felt meaningless. Captain America was triggering all those feelings that came up with Monster. Captain America and I broke up and I went back to treatment for the second time.

Right now, my sister is not exactly giving me the silent treatment, but if you’ve read some of my posts for the past month, you’ll know that we aren’t on good terms…at all. She practically pretends I’m not in the room when I’m there or ignores me when I speak, as if I don’t exist. This behavior is a more extreme version of what Monster and Captain America did, because it is triggering to me. There are times when I just want to restrict or cut or burn because it’s so overwhelmingly painful.

Today we made progress though! She acknowledged my existence again but still in a rude way. I asked her to go to the diner with me and she said, “No, fuck you.” It’s better than silence. Anything is better than silence.

Silence is deadly in relationships. I’ve stated a thousand times that communication is key and it is! The fact that my sister and I are at least having some type of dialogue is good, even if it’s rude. Ignoring someone, or just not talking never solves anything. It makes things worse.

So that’s why I told Cody to just check in with me. I know it’s just the weekend, but because I know how badly I can get triggered, I just let him know that radio silence was something that was triggering for me.

I do have a couple of things I might do this weekend though! Serena can’t hang, so I can’t hang with Brian. Or, I can, but because I know Cody is uncomfortable with it, I’m not going to hang out with Brian alone. I can see Brian on wednesday for Karaoke night at the bar with Serena and her bf. I might hang with some of Cody’s friends though! And I might go to NYC tomorrow to see a friend from my old school. I also might hang with some of the girls from treatment. Again, these are all options, and none set in stone. I also would be happy with just a weekend to myself. Me, my writing, my TV shows, and a nice long relaxing bath and a book to read.

I am an ENFJ, or and INFJ. Those are personality types. I am in the middle of introversion and extraversion. For me, I love to stay busy all the time and have plans with people. It’s just what I’m used to since college. I hate when I isolate or have no one to hang with. Of course, in college, I had a pattern of hanging out with people everyday and I was burned out by the weekend but I still went out clubbing. I did, however, take two days to myself to recharge, and that was satisfactory and could let me hang out with people nonstop for another week.

Since I’ve met Cody, it’s been go, go, go. Which I love! But, it’s nice to know that I can just choose to relax a bit if I want. I still am not sure if I am in the go, go, go mood or the “I just need to stay home” mood. Because if I’m not with Cody, I’m with Serena or some of her friends. Sometimes I just want to stay at home and watch some Grey’s and live vicariously through those characters! I know, maybe it’s lame, but it makes me happy sometimes.

This is a long post…again, I know. It’s just I’ve had so much on my mind and this past week was stressful and I barely had time to sit down to blog. I’m at the diner right now, and I’ve finished breakfast. I just got inspired to write some of my stories. I seem to always get inspired if I’m sitting in a room of crowded people. I think that’s why I like the Coffee Fox back at my old school. I would get inspired to write when I had writers block. I’ve had writers block since  a little bit before I met Cody, and for some reason I just have that urge to write something. Maybe this weekend I’ll pump out twenty new pages to one of my stories! That would be awesome.


Kind Of Used Symptoms…


So if you read my previous post, you’ll know that I have anxiety about the whole bathing suit thing. I went and jogged on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Well, I jogged straight for 10 minutes, which is a huge improvement from two weeks ago. Then the rest of the time I switched between walk breaks and jogging and finished with a sprint. Warning this next sentence could be triggering.

I, in the end, burned 182 calories and ran a total of 1.6 miles. I know I need to get fit. I am not a runner, never was. I hate running actually, but we have a nice treadmill at home and I needed to feel like I had some kind of control over all this bullshit.

I know 182 is like having two bananas, but still I feel good about exercising. I think the fact that Cody and I have been having a lot of sex is what got me to be able to jog for 10 minutes straight. Sex is a good work out itself. But yeah, I went on the treadmill for the wrong reasons, but half way through I just let myself go at my own pace instead of pushing myself too hard.


I kind of feel guilty about exercising, but at the same time I didn’t over do it. I just had the intense urge to exercise so I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself and my body image. I don’t know if I did the wrong thing by exercising… I also know I am not supposed to be counting calories. I am not counting food calories I’ve had, but knowing the amount of calories I’ve burned is also not good. I also want to weigh myself but if I do, I’ll stop eating then and there if the number isn’t what I want. Is it right for me to feel guilty over exercising? Or was it okay because it was a normal amount and I didn’t over do it?


Slowly Getting Back To Normalcy


Yesterday Cody and I hung out in the evening and we went to some guys house and I had a Monster trigger. I texted Quick Silver and when he didn’t answer I texted Ethan. I tried to ground myself but luckily Quick Silver called. He calmed me down. Ethan also ended up calling me but I was okay by that point. Cody said he wished he could have helped me in that moment but I had never told Cody how he could help if I got triggered.

I did tell him what would be helpful in case I do get a trigger in the future. Cody’s best guy friend is seriously nice. I really like him and he makes me feel comfortable. It’s nice. Cody wants me to get used to hanging out with him and his friends that way I don’t feel so uncomfortable when we all hang in a group setting. I’d like that.

I also told Cody about whether I was going to go to Florida for school or not. I might want to go to NYC instead. I will figure out whether I want to go there or not soon enough I guess.


I have to say I am really happy that Ethan called. I wasn’t sure if I could still rely on Ethan or not. I know we made up and all, but we will never be the same as we were before he made that Monster rape comment.

Also Cody told me a couple days ago he can get jealous and I told him last night that if he ever felt jealous for whatever reason to tell me. I already dealt with Eric and him denying he was jealous only to use that against me later so I don’t want to have to deal with that again. Cody said he was jealous of Quick Silver and Andy because of how close I am to them and that if I struggle I call them or something. I promised Cody I would let him help from now on. Especially since I did explain how he could help if I get triggered.

I guess for me, being in this relationship, I just don’t want to make all the mistakes I’ve made in the past. I know that in the past my boyfriends weren’t happy with me talking about my issues a lot or asking their help and such. I just don’t want Cody to take on my problems because they are my problems and they are for me to handle. But again, it’s nice that he wants to help and I should let him. I need to learn that it’s okay to let him help me.

I guess in this relationship I just am trying to do the right things whatever those are. To me I guess the right thing is to handle everything by myself…but Cody was like, “I took on the responsibility of helping you and being there the moment I became your boyfriend.”

That was nice to hear…I just am not used to this. I mean, yeah Eric said he would be there and shit but he would get so angry at me for talking about Monster. Yeah, Monster raped me, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have really great memories with him. It’s the same with Owen. He raped me but I do have some good memories. That’s really confusing for me, and I know it can be confusing to others.

So later that night Cody and I had sex. Then in the morning we had sex, and then in the shower. It was nice. It felt good and it didn’t hurt. I didn’t really get triggered at all. Plus eye contact always helps me.

Cody said I was amazing again and he again said I was amazing because I’m me. I get so confused with that because I honestly don’t know what I’m doing but he says it’s me just being me. I mean, with all my shitty friendships or boyfriends I am not used to someone thinking so highly of me.

At my old school people had these thoughts about me:

  1. Crazy Bitch
  2. Bad Drunk
  3. Too Emotional
  4. Too Sensitive
  5. Slut
  6. Gets into Trouble
  7. Drama
  8. Self-Destructive
  9. Impulsive
  10. Reckless

They didn’t think too highly of me. They thought I was a crazy bitch due to my PTSD along with being too emotional/sensitive. Everyone knew that if I drank when out there was a possibility that they’d have to take care of me because I was trying to forget what happened to me. They thought I was slutty because I like to date and just assumed I slept with every guy I went out with. I hate it when people just make assumptions about you. It makes me sad.


I’ve changed a lot over the past three years, more than I ever thought I could change, and so fast. I take care of myself now and I am oh so fucking cynical and suspicious these days. Totally distrustful of people in general. But then there are times where I feel hope. There are times where I feel like it’s possible to trust again. Times where I feel like I can make friends, good ones.

Cody has had an interesting impact on me I guess you could say. After Owen I honestly gave up on having a normal life. I figured I would only have superficial friends and just date casually and never feel anything again. Kind of sad, I know. But seeing that there are people like Cody out in the world makes me feel…I am not sure what emotion, maybe hope, but the point is I am feeling something. Of course, it’s going to take time for me to trust Cody and be able to not be hesitant to ask for help or something like that, but I am making progress. Plus seeing someone like Cody’s best friend is cool, that’s now two guys that are good people.


I just don’t want to get used to something so good only for it to be taken away. I think that’s why I am so hesitant to trust or just be relaxed at times. Cody though has this effect on me…it’s like whenever I’m around him or hanging out with him I feel comfortable. I feel safe. I feel…okay to be myself. Like, I freaking played Ashley Tisdale songs in his car. I never do that! Yes, I like Ashley Tisdale, deal with it 😛

I think I am starting to get my old confidence back. I feel like I am getting better, slowly. Baby steps is the key to success. I still do try to detach myself at times, it’s a defense mechanism. It’s sad though… I, when with Cody, at times will be repeating in my head, “don’t get used to this. It’s temporary. It’s just sex, it doesn’t mean anything. This is meaningless.” I say that stuff to protect myself from getting hurt. The logic side of me knows that it’s not just sex, it does mean something. I just… I sometimes feel like a deer in headlights. I’m trying to get used to normal and good. I know I will eventually get used to it. It will just take some time.