I feel stupid. Well, if you’ve been reading my posts for the past week, you will knowhow stupid I feel by realizing Cody lied to me for a year about his porn addiction. I’m stupid right. Should have known…
But this morning we were talking about the two weddings we have to go to that were coming up. For me, even though I didn’t care about Cody’s cousin, or the other wedding, the idea of going to a wedding (the first technical one I would be going to in my life) I liked it. I wanted to see what all that was about. I also liked fantasizing about Cody and I in the audience with all those warm and loving feelings thinking about when that would one day be us up there saying “I do” to each other. I thought that Cody might like to think of that too…but he doesn’t. He doesn’t think about the wedding we would have but more of the marriage with the house and kids and that stuff apparently.
I feel really stupid though. Every day I keep feeling more stupid. Cody said he doesn’t fantasize about us getting married, that he actually agrees with my dad and said that weddings are stupid and he doesn’t need one. My dad doesn’t believe in marriage, or the social concept of it. I’ve posted about his views before but couldn’t find the post. Anyways, he believes a piece of paper doesn’t define how much he loves someone and is committed. Cody has taken on my dad’s views… great.
I understand where my dad is coming from, and at some level I agree, but then…I stupidly do want a wedding someday…and I feel bad that I want one. I honestly can’t remember fantasizing about a wedding, ever, unless it was when I was like five and didn’t understand the concept of marriage. But once I realized what marriage and all that meant, I never fantasized about a wedding because I felt that I would never have one (because at that time no guys had liked me). In my mind I figured why think about something you’ll never have if it’s going to depress you. Well…things changed when I met Cody.
Once Cody and I got more serious I did think about a long term future with him, I thought about marriage and all that and I did actually fantasize about a wedding. I even looked at wedding dresses at some point just to see what people wore because I know you wear a white dress, but since I made weddings something I never looked at or thought about I didn’t really know what kind of dress is good for a wedding. I feel stupid though.
Cody and I have talked about marriage before, many times, and we’ve agreed we would want a intimate wedding that was simple with only those closest to us. But Cody said that he wouldn’t want to spend more than we make in a month… if that were true then we should just go to City Hall like my parents did and get married there with one witness. Together Cody and I make about $2,400 a month, so I don’t really know anything about weddings but I’m sure that that might be a bit low to actually book a ballroom for the after party and the food, and the music, and the suit, and the dress, the rings, and all the other things I still don’t know about weddings. I know that by the time marriage would come around we might have a higher income, but still, it’s not going to be by too much I would assume. I’ve seen wedding dresses that range from $100-$2,000. The one thing I really always wanted for my wedding was to be wearing the perfect dress, have my hair and make up done and well just look perfect, and I know that’s partly my anorexia talking but…I just wanted to look and feel perfect and happy. And with my taste and style the dress I would want would be well more expensive…I don’t know, it’s stupid.
I am the type who likes to be practical, and I know it’s not practical to spend over $500 on a dress you will wear one time in your life, but I want the memory of being in a beautiful dress. I kinda feel stupid for even fantasizing about a wedding in the first place. I remember the first time I did fantasize about marrying Cody, I felt so guilty. I felt like I shouldn’t be thinking about that because I don’t deserve something so nice. I don’t know. I have conflicted feelings about weddings and marriages, maybe because I haven’t actually explored my feelings about them, but instead just pushed them all away so I wouldn’t have to deal with them. And through all the struggles we’ve been through I still (stupidly? irrationally?) want to marry Cody. Am I crazy?