This weekend Cody proposed! We went out to dinner and after dinner, we went to the beach we met at, and we went out on the rocks, to the end, like we did when we met. We hugged because it was cold out and he gave a wonderful speech about how sorry he was for hurting me, and how having me in his life has made him a better person. I said that I didn’t deserve him at his best if I couldn’t handle him at his worst, and he smiled. He said his shoe lace came out and I laughed because I was wondering if he was going to propose or just trick me, and he was down on one knee, and said will you marry me, and he opened the box, which was upside down so I started laughing, and told him the box was upside down and sais yes! We kissed and hugged and he put the ring on my finger, and then he was like, “Wait, I don’t want you to lose it out here,” so he put the ring back in the box to keep it safe.


The wedding is July 29th, and we already have a guest list. It’s going to be a small wedding, and honestly, I am just so happy and so excited!


Wedding and Re-Promise Proposal


We went to Ohio this past weekend for Cody’s cousins wedding. She is 21, so a year younger than us. Her story of meeting her fiancé was crazy. She hated dating sites and she lost a bet and made a Tinder account and within ten minutes of making it her fiancé was her first match! I never thought Tinder would work, but I just saw a wedding that proves that Tinder might actually have hope for finding a real relationship haha.


Anyways Cody and I really had a wonderful weekend. We made a lot of progress with communication, respect, and compromising. Then last night we got back and I was tired and Ed (my anorexia) got the better of me and I freaked out after I ate about my body and not being good enough and stuff. Cody got frustrated because he felt I would never feel good enough for him because of his porn addiction. He told me to sit on the couch and stay there.


He came back and got down on one knee and kinda pre-proposed. It was the most adorable thing in the world. First off, he held the wrong hand as he started to pre-propose, and I told him and he grabbed my left hand and started over again, and was like, “Shit I don’t know what I’m doing.” It was adorable how nervous he was. He basically in the end said, “Anna, will you marry me when I’m ready, meaning once I feel like I am over my addiction or feel like I won’t relapse, and have the money for a real ring?” I was kinda speechless because I wasn’t sure if he was just fucking with me.


It took me the rest of the night to process it, but he basically wanted to redo our promise to each other now that everything was out in the open, and he wanted to know that I would marry him after all this. I guess he doubted that I would say yes still, but that was cute. I love him so much, and I still can’t get over how cute he was. He was ridiculously nervous and was that cute awkward when he was down on one knee trying to pre-propose “correctly” but I will cherish that memory forever.


Cody and I have made a lot of improvements this past month. This weekend accelerated our progress, and Cody has earned a bit of trust back. We were in a book store and there were a bunch of sex position books and there were ones that were pornographic with real couples and there was some with drawings. I handed Cody the one with the drawings, and then he turned the page and saw a real couple and slammed the book shut and literally threw it down on the book shelf. He looked so shocked and uneasy. I could tell that his reaction was real and he didn’t just shut the book and put it down because of me and the porn thing. He did it because he didn’t want to see that stuff. He wanted to be sober and in recovery. That is why he has earned some trust back. I am very proud of him, and I felt bad because I had handed him that book thinking it was just drawings… but he handled the situation so well. Cody has made me very proud of him these past few days and has given me faith in him and earned some trust back.


Future and Stupid Feelings


I feel stupid. Well, if you’ve been reading my posts for the past week, you will knowhow stupid I feel by realizing Cody lied to me for a year about his porn addiction. I’m stupid right. Should have known…


But this morning we were talking about the two weddings we have to go to that were coming up. For me, even though I didn’t care about Cody’s cousin, or the other wedding, the idea of going to a wedding (the first technical one I would be going to in my life) I liked it. I wanted to see what all that was about. I also liked fantasizing about Cody and I in the audience with all those warm and loving feelings thinking about when that would one day be us up there saying “I do” to each other. I thought that Cody might like to think of that too…but he doesn’t. He doesn’t think about the wedding we would have but more of the marriage with the house and kids and that stuff apparently.


I feel really stupid though. Every day I keep feeling more stupid. Cody said he doesn’t fantasize about us getting married, that he actually agrees with my dad and said that weddings are stupid and he doesn’t need one. My dad doesn’t believe in marriage, or the social concept of it. I’ve posted about his views before but couldn’t find the post. Anyways, he believes a piece of paper doesn’t define how much he loves someone and is committed. Cody has taken on my dad’s views… great.


I understand where my dad is coming from, and at some level I agree, but then…I stupidly do want a wedding someday…and I feel bad that I want one. I honestly can’t remember fantasizing about a wedding, ever, unless it was when I was like five and didn’t understand the concept of marriage. But once I realized what marriage and all that meant, I never fantasized about a wedding because I felt that I would never have one (because at that time no guys had liked me). In my mind I figured why think about something you’ll never have if it’s going to depress you. Well…things changed when I met Cody.


Once Cody and I got more serious I did think about a long term future with him, I thought about marriage and all that and I did actually fantasize about a wedding. I even looked at wedding dresses at some point just to see what people wore because I know you wear a white dress, but since I made weddings something I never looked at or thought about I didn’t really know what kind of dress is good for a wedding. I feel stupid though.


Cody and I have talked about marriage before, many times, and we’ve agreed we would want a intimate wedding that was simple with only those closest to us. But Cody said that he wouldn’t want to spend more than we make in a month… if that were true then we should just go to City Hall like my parents did and get married there with one witness. Together Cody and I make about $2,400 a month, so I don’t really know anything about weddings but I’m sure that that might be a bit low to actually book a ballroom for the after party and the food, and the music, and the suit, and the dress, the rings, and all the other things I still don’t know about weddings. I know that by the time marriage would come around we might have a higher income, but still, it’s not going to be by too much I would assume. I’ve seen wedding dresses that range from $100-$2,000. The one thing I really always wanted for my wedding was to be wearing the perfect dress, have my hair and make up done and well just look perfect, and I know that’s partly my anorexia talking but…I just wanted to look and feel perfect and happy. And with my taste and style the dress I would want would be well more expensive…I don’t know, it’s stupid.


I am the type who likes to be practical, and I know it’s not practical to spend over $500 on a dress you will wear one time in your life, but I want the memory of being in a beautiful dress. I kinda feel stupid for even fantasizing about a wedding in the first place. I remember the first time I did fantasize about marrying Cody, I felt so guilty. I felt like I shouldn’t be thinking about that because I don’t deserve something so nice. I don’t know. I have conflicted feelings about weddings and marriages, maybe because I haven’t actually explored my feelings about them, but instead just pushed them all away so I wouldn’t have to deal with them. And through all the struggles we’ve been through I still (stupidly? irrationally?) want to marry Cody. Am I crazy?



Why Men Won’t Marry You

I was scrolling on Facebook and found this article.

Why Men Won’t Marry You

It has valid points through out, but it’s a little old fashioned. It makes me sad to think about. I’ve definitely thought about marriage, what person hasn’t? I am not sure exactly how I feel about marriage personally. I remember when I was in high school I learned that my dad didn’t believe in marriage. I was completely floored by this realization. Once he explained it to me I could see why. His stance is that he doesn’t need a paper from the government to prove his love and commitment. I can understand that and respect that. If you’ve read my posts before you will know that I posted about my parents and their Love at First Sight story. It’s truly amazing. But back to marriage! I know I am not sure what I want out of my future. For the longest time I assumed I wanted a house, pets, a husband, and kids. Only this year did it hit me when I was talking with Quick Silver and Andy that I might not want kids. Quick Silver has mentioned that he thinks he wouldn’t be a good father. I personally think differently, but whatever. As I was talking with them about the future I realized what a responsibility it would be to have a child. The financial obligation is extraordinary. Not only that, I personally, being a perfectionist, would want to make sure my kid had the perfect childhood. There’s no such thing as the perfect childhood. I would hold too high expectations of myself and whoever my partner would be. That’s when I realized maybe kids aren’t for me- at least not until I’m 35, maybe then I’ll revisit the issue.


Then I was thinking about my future in terms of a house, husband and pets. I know for sure I want a dog and cat. That is not going to change, but then I thought about having a house. I grew up in a big house. Basement, main floor, upstairs, and attic. The house has so many rooms. The previous owners had I think four or five kids, hence why there’s so many rooms. I honestly, when I am out there on my own don’t want a big house. It’s too much work and it’s expensive. I would rather have a small house or be in an apartment for a while on my own. Thinking about a husband well jeez! Ever since my father told me that he didn’t believe in marriage but married my mom because he knew she and her family believed in it my views have shifted. I grew up thinking that marriage was the end goal. It was the end all be all. But as I’ve grown up over the years I am not sure if it’s the end all be all. I know that I want my career to be very successful. I really want to thrive in whatever path I take. I feel like if I have a great career and great friends that’s all I really need. Of course a long term partner would be nice. I really do value real relationships. I am not into one night stands or random long term hookups with no commitment like most of my generation is. If I’m with someone then I’m with them. And as my dad said, I can understand why marriage is a social construct that isn’t necessary, especially in today’s age. There are however benefits to being married as my dad explained. My dad also said, “Don’t wait to marry the person, if you wait you’ll never do it. It’s better to do it quick.” He told me that when I said that I thought that you shouldn’t marry the person if you haven’t known them for two years. He knew my mom for three months and then they got married and are still happy to this day. Thirty six years. I can only hope to live up to my parents where romance is concerned. I am not sure where I lie on the issue of marriage. One half of me really wants to eventually get married. But the other half is ambivalent about the idea of marriage. I am only twenty-one and I know my views will shift over time. What is your opinion on marriage? Do you think the article is correct about men these days?