Panic

I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I ended up drinking too much last night because I wanted to see if I could remember anything from that night with Monster.

There’s a lot going on right now with my sister missing/running away, school, and it being that time of year when I reported Monster.

I know I have to keep it together. I know that, but at the same time I feel like I haven’t been. I feel like I’ve been letting everyone (mom, dad, Cody) down because I have been crying or I’ve been more likely to be triggered. I feel like a failure in truth. Maybe I am being too hard on myself, it’s one of the things I do best. But I am just seriously stressed.

I know Cody loves seeing me happy, and I love being happy, and lately its been harder to be at the level of consistant happiness that I was before my sister ran away. There are days where I seem fine and then suddenly something happens and I cry, or my mood shifts and it sucks. Yesterday I was fine until Cody got home and I paused an episode of Criminal Minds and I got crazy nauseous. I think something in the episode triggered something relating to my sister and my childhood. That really unnerved me.

Then I went out with Cody and his friends and I was at the bar and there was a bottle of Jack Daniels on the wall in front of me and all I could think was to try and remember something from the night Monster raped me. I just wanted to fill in the blanks. I want answers. I know I can’t have them, and I know Monster lied to me, but I want proof, and I figured if I could just remember then… I don’t know I would have some peace with it, or understand why Monster did it.

I fucking hate PTSD. It’s a royal bitch, and I’ve written that so many times on here. I just hate whenever any PTSD symptom comes up because to me, I feel like I have failed if I am not 100% better or okay. I know how irrational that is, or maybe not irrational, but setting too high of standards. Even in the PTSD book I have that is like my bible for surviving, it says that setbacks are normal, especially around anniversary’s.

But to me, because I have lost pretty much everyone throughout my recovery from my trauma’s, I feel like if my PTSD acts up it means I am at risk for losing another person. That creates a huge amount of anxiety for me. I have lost literally everyone except for my parents, Andy, and Quick Silver through my trauma’s. I now have Cody, but a part of me still fears that my PTSD or my stuff is too much since that is the message I’ve gotten from people.

I hate that I feel like I am not being strong. I just don’t want others to not see me as strong through this stuff. I have gotten back into my old bad habit of saying “I’m sorry” way too much. I constantly am saying sorry and when I say I am sorry its out of fear. I always say sorry because I am scared and trying to avoid a negative consequence. Now not all my apologies are like that, but the times I say sorry when there is literally no god damn good reason for me to say I am sorry, it’s because I am scared.

Everything is constantly changing, that I know. But I am not a fan of change. I like what I know and am familiar with. It takes time to get used to change. It takes time to accept new things. I explained to Cody that it is going to take time for me to be fully comfortable or understand or accept everything that he does that’s good because I am not used to it.

Last night I apologized because I had to stop during sex, and I felt terrible because it was before either of us got off. For me, with the guys I’ve been with before Cody, the goal was always to get the guy off. Also last time I said stop or wait during sex was with Owen, who raped me. So when I said stop or wait last night and Cody listened and respected it, it was different. Nice. But still, because I am not used to it, it made me feel anxious. Cody said that wasn’t the goal of sex. He said it didn’t matter that we had to stop, what mattered was that I was okay.

That is very new for me. I’ve probably written all this on here at one point already, but I am still getting used to Cody and being treated with respect. I was used to it, or getting there, but again, with it being an anniversary thing I am more…one edge…which means I tend to revert back to old habits (such as apologizing too much).

I am not sorry for all my PTSD symptoms, and I am not sorry for crying a lot because my sister ran away, but I feel bad because I know that people that care about me don’t like seeing me like that. So I am not sorry for being vulnerable and actually letting people know what’s going on, but I am sorry that it hurts those around me that care.

I just want to get through the next couple weeks without being triggered too much, because then it will be October and I will be happy and not triggered because nothing bad happened in October. The beginning of September reminds me of reporting Monster. November 7th, well that’s the anniversary of the rape with Monster. So I am just a bit nervous. Dealing with Peter (classmate who sexually assaulted me) and the time of year isn’t an issue anymore. February 26th doesn’t seem to have much of an effect now that it’s been two and a half years. I am sure when January 18th comes up I’ll be on edge since it hasn’t even been a year since Owen raped me. But I’m getting way a head of myself, but then again I like to be prepared for possible triggers.

But I am thankful for my mom and dad still being here and understanding that I get triggered. I am thankful that Quick Silver and Andy are still my friends and don’t get mad at me if I am having an off day. I am truly thankful and feel lucky to have found Cody because he seems to never give up on me, or get angry or upset at me when any of this stuff comes up. His reaction is perfect. He never makes me feel bad about breaking down or having something affect me. Because hell, if I could not let any of this stuff affect me I would do that in a heart beat! Cody never says a reproachful word to me about any of my PTSD stuff or just when I actually am crying even if it has to do with something else. I’ve never had anyone not get mad or upset or annoyed as a reaction to me crying, besides my sister. Cody makes me happy.

Cody and I have our differences, like his interest in planes, cars, and engineering. Even though I know nothing about all that, I still love to sit and listen to him talk about it. Just seeing the excitement and feeling that energy is amazing to be around. With most people I would tune out or not care, but I actually listen to him and try to understand what he is saying. Having Cody in my life has taught me a lot and I’ve made a lot of progress. I am just thankful that Cody seems to really love and care about me and is willing to go through all this stuff with me without getting angry or feeling like it’s too much. That means the world to me that he wants to be there.

XOXO Anna