Triggers During Pregnancy

I was extremely worried when I found out I was pregnant. I was scared that my anorexia (ED) would take over. If you’ve read my posts, you know I refer to my anorexia as ED. I still get ED attacks every so often. Not as often as I used to when I was really sick, but still when they happen they can be extreme. I had hot chocolate for the first time in…. maybe a year the other day. I absolutely had an ED attack. ED was telling me that because I drank hot chocolate I was going to be fat, so I had to eat salads for the rest of pregnancy. I know, it sounds crazy, even as I typed it. But when ED attacked, the scary thing is it seemed logical, rational. Luckily, Cody was there and calmed me down and grounded me and we talked through the irrational thought. I challenged myself by making sure I had hot chocolate again the next day, and also today, to de-stigmatize it. I still feel guilty that I drank it, but not horrible about myself.

Another trigger has been getting the classic pregnancy round stomach. There are days where I am happy about it, and I’ll  rub my stomach and talk to our unborn son, but there are days, when I feel so crappy about my body I don’t want Cody to see me. For the most part, I think I’ve been doing an amazing job with eating when I am hungry and doing my best to stay healthy. On the other hand, I feel guilty whenever I don’t eat a balanced meal.

I am nervous about post pregnancy and dealing with my body. I know that will be a challenge, but I am hoping that I can overcome it. I am taking one day at a time, and reminding myself that I have to nourish myself so our son can be healthy.

XOXO Anna

Struggling to Breath

Yesterday was pretty intense. Cody was supposed to go to NYC with another employee to set up for my parents show in NYC. My phone, of course, was on silent, and I was asleep and missed 13 calls and a couple texts from Cody. When I woke up I immediately knew it had to be about his breathing and I called.

Cody was having another breathing panic attack. I haven’t mentioned that he sometimes struggles with breathing because it hasn’t been too much a problem, but as of late, it’s gotten more intense. The struggle to breath in causes him to panic and thus makes it even more hard to breathe. The employee dropped Cody off at the train station to come back home. I picked him up and I was so glad to see him. I was so scared when we were on the phone earlier that morning. He got in the car and started crying. I was so scared and happy that he was there and I just tried to comfort him the best I could.

Getting home I got him water and he napped and I canceled my therapy session to stay with him. We then went to my dentist, which Cody is terrified of, and Cody faced some of his fears. Also, the dentist asked if Cody and I were married, not just because of our rings, but because of the way we interact with each other. I was pretty flattered to have someone think that, and that hasn’t been the first time. Cody has a dentist appointment set up for them to take care of a filling that fell out. He also hasn’t seen a dentist in years because of his fear, so this is a huge step for him, and I’m really proud of him.

After the dentist we went home, rested for a bit, and made dinner together. I made progress because I cooked along side Cody instead of letting Cody take care of making dinner by himself. I made the pasta, warmed the sauce and helped out with the chicken. Helping with the chicken was huge for me because I’ve always been squeamish about how raw meat looks, but I was cutting some of the chicken as it was cooking to see if it was ready. I know it’s small, but to me it was a big step forward. My goal is that one day I will be able to make my own chicken without freaking out or getting grossed out. But the dinner we made was fantastic! I’ve never enjoyed food so much.

Cody and I had really had an amazing day yesterday, aside from the breathing scare. He also is going to see a doctor, my dads doctor, about his breathing and get a physical, since again Cody has not seen a doctor in years- another big step for him.

It’s been a crazy couple of months since finding out about Cody’s porn addiction, but we have made progress as individuals and as a couple and I’m really proud of that. I know that being with someone who struggles from an addiction can be hard but if you love the person they are then it’s worth staying and getting through the struggle. Cody told me that I made him feel so loved and safe yesterday and that made me so happy to hear. He told me he now knows what I mean when I say for him to show me he loves me.

Last Week of Class

These past five weeks I have had barely any time to relax. I have been working on the papers for my summer class, and this is my last week. My final paper is due tomorrow, so I’ll be working on that tonight. This english class has been amazing though. I have learned so much and I really like the teacher.

Ed has also been ruling my head lately. I have had a lot of anorexia panic attacks these past two weeks, it’s exhausting. I am trying to stick to a meal plan I wrote out, and Cody is going to do it with me, but I am honestly terrified to do it. I know that if I eat balanced and exercise two times a week for 30 minutes on a treadmill I should be fine, but the irrational thoughts still are here.

XOXO Anna

LARP and Recovery

Cody went to LARP this morning. We had a really nice night last night, but we didn’t end up going to Michael’s art exhibition. I was too tired. But I might see Michael at the end of the month.

This weekend I have tons of homework to do. But I also wanna do some personal homework. I want to actually write out the exercises from Life Without Ed. It’s truly made a difference. I do feel a slight separation from Ed. I am not my eating disorder and I’ve known that but never felt it, and now I feel it. It’s a wonderful feeling. I feel a sense of freedom.

XOXO Anna

Anorexia is Kicking My Ass and Will be the Death of Me

Note: this post will most likely be written by my anorexic thoughts dominating over my logic.

Right now Anorexia is winning. Last night Anorexia was winning too.I went to Marshalls while the girl I babysit was at swim practice. I tried on clothes, and I found black shorts that fit. Maybe it was the mirror but I hated myself. I hated my looks. I couldn’t stand looking at my reflection.

At the moment I am thinking I am really fat. The logic part of my mind knows I’m not, but I’m not tone. That bothers me. I am not skinny mini model pretty. I want to be skinny again. I want to be attractive. I feel so gross. I feel like I shouldn’t eat for two weeks. If I even do eat I feel like it should be only a chicken caesar salad, or broccoli, or string beans, or an apple, or a banana. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel so down I wanna …either cut or well you know..die, but I am not stupid I wouldn’t commit suicide. Though if I did get to a certain weight I’m sure that I wouldn’t be able to cope. I just wanna be sexy or hot. Which I guess I’m not. Ethan never described me as that, though Spencer told me that Hot was a demeaning term and I should be thankful Ethan described me as beautiful and attractive.

I just never had that hot look and I guess that bothers me because I do struggle with the fact that I am not merely a sexual object for a guy and I am actually a person. I should know I’m worth more than just my looks but I guess I’m scared that without my looks I wouldn’t be loved. Or I would thus be unlovable. I know, irrational, but this is the way my anorexic mind thinks. Right now my anorexic mind is killing me. I even pulled out my Anorexic journal last night to remind myself of how to starve myself. There were some things in there that my logic brain was shocked to read, but my anorexic mind was sinking its claws into it, not letting go. All I can think about is how I am not good enough compared to other girls. I am torturing myself. I am in my own personal hell. A prisoner of my own twisted and warped mind. I wouldn’t wish Anorexia on my worst enemy. It’s a real killer.

XOXO Anna

Cheating and an Ignorant Teacher

I found out that one of Cody’s friends, well his girlfriend cheated on him. Cody and I are very sad to hear that. We love both of them, and Cody’s friend told us not to treat her any differently. It just makes me sad because she is one of the only girls I get along with, so it hurts to hear that she would do something so low. I just wish she were more mature and had told her boyfriend that things weren’t working, or exactly what the issues were to see if maybe he could change things. This is why I say communication is key.

*Trigger Warning for those with Eating Disorders*

Today I had abnormal psychology. My teacher…holy hell, I just got done venting to Cody, but my teacher is not cool. Today we studied Eating Disorders. Do you know how he started the class? He said, “At the end of class I want your opinions on whether or not you think this chapter should be taught.”

As someone with anorexia that was extremely insensitive to hear. So, just because Eating Disorders are relatively a new diagnosis they should just be skipped over? I don’t think so. Then he proceeds to his slides on anorexia. First things first, he teaches us that anorexia’s key feature is extreme weight loss. That is true, but he made it seem like anorexics are all lanky skeletons that have wasted away and that is what anorexics all look like. They all have to be extremely underweight. He made it seem like if they weren’t under the BMI then they weren’t “officially” anorexics. I am sorry but I am 5′ 2 3/4″ and my lowest weight when I was in the worst of my disorder at age 18 was 110 lbs. I wasn’t a skeleton but I was sick. At an earlier age in high school I was 106 lbs. So weight is not the defining factor. Just because I am not extremely underweight, it doesn’t mean I’m not anorexic.

Then he when talking about the subtypes of anorexics, which are restrictive and purging, he mentioned that purging was vomiting and over exercise. He neglected that laxatives and diuretics were also methods used. For me and my own anorexia, I would restrict, over exercise, and “purge” by using either laxatives or drinking excessive amounts of coffee as a form of laxative. That pissed me off.

Then he has this BMI chart that shows what is considered underweight, normal, and overweight. I would have to weigh 100 lbs to be “underweight” which to me I know is underweight, but I would consider myself underweight if I weighed 110 lbs. I think anything below 115 lbs for me is not a healthy thing. So the chart was off and a student even said to the teacher that the chart does not consider one’s body type and physique. He admitted it was true, so he gets points for that.

Then the percentage of suicide rates from anorexia seemed off. I can’t fully blame him, but anorexia is one of the deadliest psychological disorders because suicide is a issue. If you’ve read my blog you know I’ve had suicidal thoughts, and have come close to attempts. Anorexia is a huge component as to why I would want to end it all, it’s because I perceive myself as not pretty enough or skinny enough or good enough. The death records say suicide is cause of death, and they don’t say that anorexia is, so that is why the numbers are off, which he should have made aware. But he didn’t. I just feel like he didn’t completely get eating disorders.

He also talked about anorexics and the fact that it’s not that they don’t still want to eat, it’s that they refuse. He didn’t make aware that hunger cues go away after an amount of time. Like I was telling Cody after class that I couldn’t feel whether I was hungry or not and wasn’t sure if I should eat, which I should. My teacher made it sound like anorexics still feel hunger, when in reality once you’ve had the disorder and restricted for a certain amount of time, your hunger cues are lost. That is why I could go two days without realizing I was hungry- because I didn’t feel it at all. I can still go a whole day forgetting to eat just because I honestly don’t feel the hunger cues. Half the time someone has to remind me. Only recently has my stomach begun to growl again on occasion, which I see as an improvement. I can’t tell you how many months it’s been since I’ve heard my stomach growl. Cody’s growls all the time, hence why we go eat. So my teacher messed that up too.

Then talking about bulimia and binge eating disorders, he was alright with. Still messed some things up, but not as bad as the way he made the class perceive anorexia. I literally ranted to Cody for at least 20 minutes because I was so angry. I hated that be taught the class incorrectly on some key facts to each disorder.

But yeah… It was annoying.It was also a very triggering class. I am having tea right now and I have a chocolate croissant…and I am finding it extremely difficult to even try to take a bite of it.

XOXO Anna

 

Finally Moving into the Attic!

Cody still needs to paint around one window, but besides that the bedroom is painted! We are going to be moving things up there today. We need help getting things out of the hang out room, but we will do that later.

I’m excited to finally be moving up there. The room looks great! It will be nice to have our own space instead of being in my bedroom which is small. We have lots of closet room and plenty of drawers.

I think Cody will be getting off of his computer soon, so maybe he and I will actually start moving stuff up there. I also wanted to go to pier 1 to get some stuff for the attic. The hang out room will have a coffee, tea, and snack area so I wanna get some things to hold sugar and stuff like that. I don’t know if that will happen today though, I don’t know if we have time.

We might go to dinner with his dad tonight. Originally it was supposed to be just us but his dad texted him if he wanted to get dinner with him. I just don’t want dinner to be awkward if I am struggling with whatever meal I’m having. I know Cody’s sister and brother know about my anorexia, but I don’t know if his dad does, and how awkward would it be if the dad asked why Cody was telling me to eat? I don’t know, I also don’t want that to make it seem like I’m not good enough for Cody or that… I just … I guess I just want to be the “trophy girl.”

That’s just a role I am used to. I like it when parents like me, and I want them to approve of me being with their son. I don’t want them thinking of me in a negative light, or thinking because I have a certain issue it’s something that they don’t want their son dealing with or having to deal with. I don’t know. Stupid anxiety.

I also just don’t know what we would all talk about at dinner. I mean, I quit my job to go to treatment, and now I don’t have a job and I’m not even going to treatment. I mean, I have a therapist I am going to see this week who specializes in eating disorders. But seriously I don’t exactly look like the greatest catch at the moment.

I actually was happy about my job because I felt like that made Cody’s dad more proud of me, or like I was worth being with his son. I don’t know. I just wouldn’t know what to say if his dad asked me how I was doing. I don’t lie, or I don’t like lying. Cody and his dad would probably talk about work and such, so I would be left out. I just don’t want to feel like a third wheel. But I do like hanging out with Cody’s family. I do want to get to know Cody’s dad more though. But maybe I just don’t want to go out to dinner because I have my period and I’ve been a bit crampy. Who knows.

I just am excited about the attic and I’ll stay focused on that.

XOXO Anna

Change

I quit my job because it was keeping me from eating, and I went back to treatment this week and it was hell, and I’m not going back next week.

I would eat if they gave me foods I liked. Is it really that much to ask to sub Almonds for Honey mustard? (they both equal one fat exchange) Honestly it’s a little ridiculous that they won’t let you do that. I would have eaten the meal with minimal issues had they been able to sub that.

I don’t take well to being “force fed”. When I was younger, I had a nanny who made food I hated and I wasn’t allowed to leave the table until my plate was clean. It was pretty traumatizing for me, and being in treatment where they won’t sub something as simple as a condiment, and they force me to eat it because at that low level of treatment you’re not allowed to have ensure is bullshit.

So my mom and I looked into therapists that specialize in eating disorders. I find that the therapy groups of treatment are really beneficial but the treatment team forcing me to eat something I wouldn’t eat in my life outside of treatment is stupid. I mean, one therapist said, “What happens when you’re at a restaurant and you see a salad with craisins on it? Are you just not going to eat the craisins?”

When I told Cody this, he pretty much exploded with, “Why the fuck would you order salad with craisins on it at a restaurant if you don’t like craisins? It doesn’t make any sense.”

That’s true. Isn’t the point of treatment supposed to be getting the person to eat normally again? I am a picky eater, I admit to that. But if they gave me foods I actually like, or even a food I like in a different style that I haven’t had before I wouldn’t fight it. I would sit there and eat the meal. Sure I might have the anxiety I have, but it wouldn’t be unbearable.

I am doing okay with my eating I think. I mean, do I have the urges to restrict? Oh HELL YEAH I DO. But I haven’t been doing it so much. I mean, I’ve been trying to eat through out the day. It’s hard though. Some days it’s as if I’m fine and other days someone has to sit down with me and eat with me. These days I’ve ben using music to deal with overwhelming emotions, so that’s more positive than other things I could be doing.

I honestly hate anorexia and eating disorders in general. They can be so hard to overcome at times. I am sick of being sick. I am sick of having to have an internal battle about whether it’s okay to eat or not. I just want to eventually get to a place where I can eat normally with others and have minimal anxiety around it.

XOXO Anna

Impressed

Yesterday we had Multi-Family group at treatment. Cody went again, and I am so happy he did! The things that were mentioned in that group were things that I am glad Cody was able to be there to hear. We talked about a lot of different topics, but I am glad that certain girls mentioned some things about what it’s like in our heads and our thought processes. One girl mentioned the whole thigh gap thing. I personally wasn’t as interested in that topic because I already knew that it is genetics that allow one to have one or not, and I’ve pretty come come to accept that. What interested me was that one girl, who is awesome, mentioned what it’s like to walk down the street and pass girls.

We all agreed that we compare. We will judge. We will be mean. Our thoughts can either be of jealousy, or they can be putting the girl down. I am not proud that I think like that at times, but at the same time, we all think of other girls as competition. Competition was a huge theme that was talked about. We are all very competitive people and we talked about healthy competition versus unhealthy competition.

We also talked about the fact that all of us tend to not have girl friends because, let’s all be honest here, girls can be catty bitches at times. Girls can be ruthless and mean. I grew up living Mean Girls. There’s a reason I stay clear of girls. I don’t want to be put down. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to have to change to fit in. I rather be with a group of guys who accept me for me.

Later in the evening Cody and I went out for food. I was drinking because I wanted to. I wasn’t sure if I would remember all the sweet things that were said. Cody ended up writing what he said in a note on my phone and this is what he wrote. P.S. made names of his friends into first initial to keep anonymous:

You had such a good time with my friends while I was LARPing and I wanted you to know that that was because they aren’t just my friends. They are now your friends too. They really do like having you around and they are genuinely your friends. I know that Quick Silver and Andy would do anything for you but they are in GA, but while you’re here you have a fucking army of great friends who would always protect you for me. J, M, A, R, F, S, and all my friends you’ve met really do like you and should make you feel safe whenever you’re with them. J alone could protect you from anyone who tries anything on you. But the most important thing is that they are also you’re friends as well as mine and they really do enjoy you hanging out with them. You know that cause they asked you to hangout even though I was not there.

At Fin, we were talking about psych stuff. I was telling you how I think of you. When I think if you, your personality and who you are and your problems are two completely different and separable things. When I think of you and why I love you so much, your problems don’t even come to mind. I love you for who you are. Your problems do effect who you are but it damn well doesn’t mean that is who you are. Experience is the best teacher and with everything you’ve experienced, you have taken so much from it. That’s what makes you so strong. As much as it affects you, you look at it from a 3rd person view and take from it the lessons you need to grow. You learn from everything you’ve been through and that’s how you have become so intelligent about what’s going on and why you’re so strong. You were very impressed by the way I thought because we think in very similar ways. I explained how even though I say bad things about Ethan, I do realize that it is bad and that being this jealous of the guy who has been the best relationship you’ve had before me but how my irrationality has taken over but how I at least realize that it is happening.

How fucking sweet is this??

But yeah, it was nice to read that and for him to tell me again this morning. I’ve never had anyone in my life since college started that saw me and my problems as separate. I love that Cody sees that I am not what happened to me. That means the world. I mean, I’m sure Quick Silver and Andy didn’t think like that, but I just…Ethan and all my old friends, they for sure just saw me as my problems, at least that’s the vibe I got.

Anyways, having a good day so far. Had breakfast with Cody. I’m going to take Luvas to the vet to get his paw checked out because he won’t walk on it and then I might go hiking with one of the girls from treatment. Later Cody and I will go to open mic night and then maybe Karaoke at the bar.

Hope everyone’s having a good day 🙂

XOXO Anna

Ignorance About Treatment

I came home today and had bought a box of pasta, ice cream, and smart food. I had some ice cream because I was craving it. I mentioned to my mom I might want food later and she asked what I needed. Of course she started with “do you need string beans?” Maybe she said it innocently, but to me, it was not innocent. I finish snacking on my ice cream and I shower.

I come downstairs to blog and relax and mom mentions something about me and Cody eating out all the time. She then starts asking why Cody and I always eat together. I start getting angry. I tell her to back off and leave it alone. She won’t drop it. I tell her it’s nice to eat out with Cody. I tell her it’s easier on me, it means I don’t have to make my meals. She says she can make my dinner, and Cody can go to his house and eat dinner at his house. She asks what Cody did to eat before he met me.

There are many reasons I like to eat with Cody.

1. It’s fun
2. He is supportive, and will help me with the meal if he sees me struggling
3. I don’t have to prepare a meal (because making meals is anxiety provoking enough for me to just skip eating)

I told my mom to back off and let Cody and I eat meals together. I told her she can’t talk about my treatment or my eating since she hasn’t been apart of this round of recovery. Cody has, and dad has. Those are the only two who can make a comment on eating and what might be beneficial.

I am really annoyed at my mom. I am angry, mainly because, to me, having her say that Cody and I should eat separately, is essentially saying to me that she is taking support away from me. She is making meals harder. I know that’s not what she intends. I know that she believes that, actually I don’t know.

I’ll apologize to her for yelling, but I honestly, if she starts with talking about my meals and food again, I am walking out of the room. Cody and dad have gone to the Family groups. They have been there to eat meals with me. Not mom. Not my sister.

Well, now to enjoy a couple glasses of Proseco and pray things stay calm tonight.

XOXO Anna

First Date and Treatment

Though Cody and I couldn’t go to a movie we still hung out. We originally met up at a bar because he wanted a couple drinks after work and then we went to the coffee shop and got coffee. I didn’t have anything even though Cody was telling me he would get me anything. We talked more about my eating disorder and it’s really sweet of him to want to help me but I told him it’s not his job. He still responded with he felt bad and wanted to do whatever he could. I’ve learned a lot through having an eating disorder while seeing someone.

Back when I first realized I had anorexia Ethan wanted to help me with my disorder. He said the one thing that would make him happy was either helping me or curing me of my disorder. It wasn’t until later that I realized how unhealthy that was. His happiness relying upon how well or sick I was.

I appreciate that Cody says he wants to help, and he even said that he knows nothing about psychology or anything which makes him feel like he doesn’t know at all how to help. I thanked him and tried to make it clear that my anorexia was my issue to resolve. I did try to explain the disorder a bit more, like that sometimes I’ll look in a mirror and I won’t see what everyone else see’s, or that I hate shopping because my weight will change on whether I am eating or not.

Cody then said we had time to go bowling instead of a movie that way we would still have our first date. I totally jumped at that idea. Bowling was so much fun. The first game I totally kicked his ass! I’m quite competitive and I got a score of 94 and he got a score of 33. Then the second game he kinda kicked my ass, I got a score of 66 and he got a score of 93. And while we played he kissed me! In public! It was such a high. Then he had to go to his work meeting and he asked to hang out after his meeting. I just told him I couldn’t be out too late.

So I got home and had my mom make me dinner. I also sat down with my parents and said I needed to go back to Renfrew. They said okay, obviously. After I ate dinner which took like an hour to eat, Cody got out of work and came over to watch Dexter.

We also made out while watching it which was nice. I was so tired. Like, you know when you’re so tired you feel like your drunk or wasted? I was that tired. We went up to my room and we made out and part of me wanted him to stay over but part of me knew better. Cody said he shouldn’t stay you know didn’t want it to be too much. I agreed though. That also scared me, that I wanted him to stay. I mean, yeah I was having a rough day with Owen thoughts and really wanted comfort but the fact that I wanted comfort from someone else scared me. It scared me that I trusted Cody or liked him enough to believe that he could comfort me.

This morning I called Renfrew and I have an assessment on monday. Cody texted me and we’ve been texting today. I am crazy exhausted though, so I’m probably going to take a nap later and Cody said he would call me so I wouldn’t sleep the day away. That’s sweet of him.

I just hope I can get the eating or -lack there of- under control. I know there are reasons why I don’t wanna eat, like Owen and having to do EMDR, and Cody because I do like him and that scares me, and nerves about going to a new school and whether I’ll fit in or not.

XOXO Anna

I’m Scared

I am scared and I am admitting that here. So this weekend was great, and I actually ate like a normal person for the most part for those two days. I felt so accomplished. Well, it’s monday and my parents aren’t here because I woke up so late and my breakfast plans fell through.

My mom’s been making me these amazing strawberry shakes for breakfast and a snack in the afternoon! I absolutely LOVE them! So with my mom not being at the house at 11, which why should she be when she has a job, I went to the fridge to pull out some milk to make cereal, which I have as a side to my strawberry shake. No milk. I grab yogurt, and I ate that quickly. Now it’s been a good half hour and I am still really hungry and I have no idea what to eat.

I read this post by Petite but Fierce (go check it out!) and it really resonated with me. I am always scared to ask for help. Before this weekend I did kinda yell at my parents so they would understand that my eating disorder isn’t as OK as it seems. Mom told me I can get a handle on it without going back to treatment. Hell if I have to go back to treatment for the third time I will feel like a total failure.

It’s not like I’m underweight. I am at a normal weight, probably because I haven’t been doing much besides EMDR and going back to the house to write. Once I sign up for the gym, that’s when my eating disorder and the severity of it will show I think. So I am really annoyed that the milk was gone this morning. It was my milk that I bought for my cereal.

I now am trying to figure out what the hell to eat! I know I want to eat and need to eat, I just am having anxiety about choosing what to eat. I want to feel healthy, but I have to remember that everything is healthy if it’s balanced. So I am going to stop in the middle of my post to go get food.

So that took like ten minutes. I couldn’t find any food that I wanted so luckily, I bought Ensure for times like these. I grabbed two ensures, which I will drink.

And if the eating disorder wasn’t bad enough as an issue to start struggling with again, the EMDR for Owen (who raped me) has brought up a lot. I can’t watch this really great show Happy Valley because it was too triggering. My parents are watching it and I just feel so left out. I feel stupid because I can’t watch an episode of it without having thoughts of Owen and what happened to me and all the emotions that come with rape.

I have an EMDR session tomorrow and I am nervous to see my therapist to admit to her that since our first session on Owen lots of things have come up. That I’ve cried at least three times since the first session.

I am praying that the EMDR with Owen goes at a relatively good pace because I want it to be neutral like Peter and Monster. Right now, Owen is very painful. Owen is scary. Any guy who resembles his looks in any way to me is scary. I want to be able to live a relatively normal life. Though who knows about how normal dating will be at my new college… in all honesty I am scared about my new school.

I am scared about making friends. I am scared about if any guy will like me. I am scared about making the grades. I am scared about body image issues I’ll have once being in florida. I just pray that I can handle everything.

XOXO Anna

Struggling

I’ve been struggling with my anorexia a bit for the past couple weeks, and last night I had a really bad night. Terrible body image as of late which makes it a huge struggle to eat…I have been eating but probably not enough. Okay, not even probably, I haven’t been.

I finally got my parents attention and told them how much I was struggling and why.It’s a mix of things. I am struggling because of:

A) EMDR

B) Going to florida in the fall where everyone looks perfect 

C) not having a schedule.

So I told my mom that I need to start working on making a schedule that I can stick to. She woke me up at 10 this morning and I feel very tired right now, although I am so glad she woke me up because someone in my dream dumped a bucket of spiders on me. So I am very happy I woke up from that terrible dream 😛

Last time I did EMDR I was in treatment for my anorexia for the first time. That was over a year ago. So I guess I didn’t anticipate how hard the EMDR would be without being in a treatment setting for the eating disorder. Also I want to go to a gym. Don’t freak out on me, I know I have to tread carefully. I am going to go to a gym twice a week and do a specific workout with a trainer, that way I can’t overdo it.

As I’ve stated before, I logically know I am not not pretty, but because in Florida all of the girls and guys are oh so fit and oh so perfect I feel like I can’t even compare. That feeling has definitely led me to restrict a bit. But that stops here. I will do my best to not restrict, have a healthy amount of exercise and keep my mind positive.

My sister will be home next week which means that the eating thing will be easier. I’ll have someone else who’s eating with me. I’ll have someone to go out with, etc.

XOXO Anna

Grocery Shopping and EMDR

I had put off grocery shopping for a while and finally went in today and got food. I was nervous though. I was very self conscious about my looks and what I was buying. I got what I needed to get and ate when I got home.

I also had EMDR today and we started working on Owen. I think I was emasculating Owen the whole time we were “together.” With the memories that came up and the processing I realized that Owen probably was a lot more insecure than I originally gave credit and must have felt rejected by me the whole time.

Imagine this: You’re a thirty year old fit guy, who got cheated on by his wife years ago, and now are dating after getting back from the military. You date this pretty twenty year old college girl.  You think you’re the shit. She rejects your proposal to be your girlfriend. You give her the cold shoulder but you still see her. She doesn’t text you over her six week break. You see her relationship status changes for a short time. She comes back and she sees you the first day back. You try to make a move on her, be romantic, she says she has to get back to her sister. Another rejection. Next time you see her you both open up emotionally. You tell her you felt rejected when she said no to being a girlfriend. Talking about titles comes up and the next step.

Then you all know what happens next (for those new reading, he raped me). So today was the first session for Owen. I’m glad to be officially done with Monster. But it was very painful today. That session. It brought back so many memories. It brought back Owen’s dog Beau who I love and loved me. I got so attached to Owen’s dog.

I’m really nervous about the EMDR for Owen but I know it has to be done. I just hope I process through this quickly. I want to enjoy life again. Not be plagued by flashbacks and triggers and panic attacks. Hey, maybe one day I’ll date again.

XOXO Anna

Struggling in my recovery…

I am currently doing EMDR for my PTSD. I’ve finished working on Monster, and will be starting on Owen next week. With going through EMDR my emotions are heightened. I am extremely sensitive. With all these painful memories coming up and having to work through them, I’ve fallen back on my anorexia a bit.

I’ve been struggling to get three meals in. I’ve been putting off eating or finding ways to avoid it. I am NOT proud of it. That’s why I’m writing about it. I feel if someone reads this, then they know I’m struggling and then I’m more accountable. I told my mom the other day I was struggling.

I am sadly going to admit that today was a real struggle. All I had was one Ensure around 11 and am now finally having some bagel bites. I am going out to a family friend dinner tonight so I will definitely eat a good balanced meal tonight. I honestly need to just go to a grocery store and buy food I know I’ll eat. I’ve been lazy. I admit it.

But that’s going to change. The last thing I need is to fall back into my anorexia. So trying to stay strong and eat normally!

XOXO Anna

Beach Body Ready!

So there’s been a lot of talk about this ad from protein world. I’ve read people defending it on Facebook. I personally after reading a lot have my opinion formed. But before I offer my opinion, I will share the opinion of some of my friends on Facebook.

Comments to that post:First comment was by the person who posted and the second by Ethan.

The picture that the poster put was a cropped image of just the body, not the whole ad, where it says, “Meal replacement.” Because it says meal replacement and supplement in the ad, I personally am against it because I know what it’s like to starve myself to “perfection”. It sucks. Eating disorders and body image issues are terrible, and a lot of people suffer from them. Ad’s like the ones Protein World put out there make it harder for people with those issues. Most people do not have the body type that society “idolizes” and says people “should be.”

I consider myself average. I work hard to accept myself the way I am. If I get “in shape” meaning fit, meaning building muscle, I could achieve a body that I do want. I can honestly say I should exercise and get in shape, not to be an idealized body type, but for my own health. Yes, there’s room for improvement for everyone, but when society throws ads out that portray only one body type, and when ads talk about meal replacement, that’s when it becomes harmful.

Beach Body Ready

What are your opinions on this ad? Do you think it’s harmful? Do you like the ad?

XOXO Anna

Helping that Suicidal Friend Again

This time when I went over he was wasted, and I was in over my head. I didn’t know what to do, so I texted Quick Silver, and he talked to Andy and they both headed over. They helped me a lot with that friend. The thing was, I was not in a really good place to help him because he texted me while I was having my own PTSD breakdown. It wasn’t too bad and I wasn’t too far into it, but I was in a state where I was triggered easily. After a while of us being with him and watching a movie, Andy said that Quick Silver and I could go home. I think Andy saw how hard it was for me to keep it together.

When Quick Silver and I got back to my place we hung out. I got my profile from him finally. I mentioned in an earlier post that I had given Quick Silver my profile of him, but he didn’t give mine because it was too late. So that was interesting to hear. We talked about my anorexia and how having no lighters and safety pins has made me fall back on my anorexia a bit. I’ve been doing my best to eat, but I tend to skip one meal.

I also had found video’s of Owen on my computer from last quarter and I had watched them before I went to help my friend. Quick Silver put the video’s on an external hard drive, so he could put them on his computer but delete them on mine. I was adamant about the video’s not being deleted. Quick Silver asked if he thought they would be helpful in the investigation and I said I had no idea, so Quick Silver was going to watch them and get back to me.

Quick Silver had a really sad experience in the romantic department this week. I would tell it, but I’m going to respect his privacy on this. I felt bad for him in the end, because when he was telling the story it seemed promising. But talking about romance got me down. It made me think about how I feel as though I’ll never have that sweet innocent feeling again regarding romance. Quick Silver assured me I would.

Also! I got Quick Silver to write, which he never does because as he says his hand writing is “dog shit” and yeah. He is left handed though, so that makes him cooler. His hand writing is kinda bad but it doesn’t matter to me. So he crumpled up what he wrote and I got mad at him because I wanted to keep it. I got it back from him and said I was going to tape it on the wall, then Quick Silver started to wrestle me for it. I have to say one of my favorite things is when we wrestle. It reminds me of how I used to hang with my old guy friends I think.

But I am glad I saw Quick Silver and Andy, I really was hoping I would see them sometime this weekend. I know Andy is on set, and so am I. I think Quick Silver’s set fell through but he has his script to work on, so I figured we would all be too busy. I am glad they came to help me because I was warned that my friend apparently has a violent streak when drunk.

Andy and Quick Silver are giving me an idea of what friendship is like, good friendship. It’s where you guys get to hang out have fun, yet be there for someone on the bad days too, and you don’t walk out on them.

XOXO Anna

Can I just say What The Fuck?

So I ended up going to my evening Detective class.

I just got a text from Ramone asking to hang out. I said as long as that’s not code for getting in my pants. He replies, “No, it doesn’t mean get into your pants. After the talk I kinda went all protective mode on you and kinda see you as a little sister.”

WHAT THE FUCK. Right? Then I was like, “What do you mean?”

He replies, “Well not exactly. I mean still find you attractive, but after all the stuff you told me, I felt like a scum bag who took advantage of you and, I dunno, theres like this compulsion to help/protect you anyway I can.”

I said, “I’m still confused.”

He said, “Don’t worry about it. Bottom line, i’m not looking to fuck you.”

I said, “So we are friends?”

He said, “Did I lead you on? I’m sorry.”

So fuck, I not only lose Owen this week, but now losing Ramone before I even had him? Damnit! Hopefully my coffee date with this guy from Tinder goes well tomorrow or I’m going to have my self-esteem just plummet.

Also because of how busy I’ve been I haven’t exactly been eating…and I should eat dinner now…but I am so not in the mood after all this.

Fuck. Why are guys so complicated? Like either just…fuck. This is bullshit. Damnit.

XOXO Anna

Trying to stay on track

So eating for the past two days has been more of a challenge for some reason. Maybe it is that this time of year is stressful. But I am not happy with the fact that it’s almost 2 PM and I haven’t had anything to eat, and I woke up at 8:30 AM.

I guess I confess that I have been avoiding eating. But I am not sure why I have. That frustrates me to no end! Usually if I can figure out what is triggering the behavior, I can stop it in its tracks. But I am at a loss here as to why I have started to restrict.

I guess I will go make something to eat, but I just wish I knew why I don’t have the motivation to eat…

XOXO Anna

Anorexic thoughts plaguing me

My emotions have been all over the place for the past week. Being back home always is triggering for me. It’s just this time being back home I am plagued with all the memories I had here with Eric. It really hurts to be in a certain room sometimes or to have a song come on that reminds me of a good time we had.

I’m not really used to losing friends, and it’s something I’m not good at dealing with.

With how emotional I’ve been, my anorexia and irrational thoughts have been very strong. It’s really hard to fight it and continue staying strong in recovery. I got a text from one girl that I met the first time I went to treatment and just getting a text from her reminds me of why I am recovering.

It reminds me that this is a mental illness. It puts things back into perspective. The thoughts that I’ve been having lately are wrong and irrational. I won’t let anorexic thoughts take over. I will be strong.

XOXO Anna