Pregnancy is daunting

I am completely not used to this. I am almost 10 weeks and I am always tired. Plus commuting to NYC for two hours twice a week doesn’t help the exhaustion. I am really excited about this, but at the same time have worries like any other first-time parent. May 5th we are going to be having a consultation for possible genetic testing. I know I am 23 years old but given that I am adopted and really know nothing about my medical or genetic history scares me, especially being pregnant. On May 5th we will discuss finance, the tests, and options. If we decide to go ahead we would get an NT and the blood test that also tells gender.

All this pregnancy stuff is so new and unknown at times it seems so daunting. Especially the body changes. Given the history of anorexia and the fact I got out of treatment in the beginning of January, I am anxious about how I will handle the body changes mentally. I know there’s lots of bloating and water retention in the first trimester and I’ve been dealing with that to the best of my ability.

Also, I don’t know how to announce the pregnancy. I’ve told some close friends, including Quick Silver, and our families know, including extended family. But announcing the pregnancy to our friends is something I am unsure of how to do. I feel like my friend Serena, who I have known since kindergarten might be a bit judgemental. I want to tell her soon but just hope she can have a positive reaction, like the other people I’ve told. Everyone has been positive, happy and supportive. I just hope our friends can be the same.

XOXO Anna

 

The Holidays

This year was the first year that I celebrated Christmas without my sister. If you’ve read my blog, you will know that my sister ran away a little over a year ago. Of course, we ended up finding her and she is safe, but the relationship with her is still fragile. This Christmas was very hard on my parents and granddad. Apparently my granddad cried himself to sleep a couple nights before Christmas because my sister wasn’t here.

I know I’ve been off this holiday season as well. I’ve definitely been sad because my sister isn’t here and that last christmas eve was when I was starting to really see that Cody had a porn problem.

Even with all that sadness, I think I had a pretty good holiday season over all. Cody and I spent time with my parents and granddad, and we spent time with Cody’s family.

Family. That word has always been so loaded for me. I am adopted and I haven’t really thought much of it. At least not until my sister ran away. I’ve definitely thought about it over the years at different times, but lately, I’ve felt out of place even more so than I ever have. I guess with India gone it seems so lonely. To me, India and I were always more of a family than India, me, and my parents together. Maybe because we both bonded over being adopted and felt closer to each other because of that.

I was talking with Cody about family, and how I feel so out of place. I guess I’ve noticed it more now that I’ve been in a serious relationship where family dinners and gatherings happen and I will go to them. This year Cody’s grandparents got me a Christmas present, and that means something. This year Cody’s dad and siblings got me a present that only family members get every year -socks. It’s a joke because every year the dad gets the kids socks along with other gifts, so they got me socks and other things. That moment made me feel so part of the family. And lately these days I feel more accepted by Cody’s family, not that they ever made me not feel accepted, but I feel more a part of them.

The moms side of the family had a get together yesterday and everyone on that side was there. They did a family photo thing, and one of the aunts asked me to take the family picture. That made me feel so out of place. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there, or that I was just an outsider. Of course, Cody’s mom said I was a part of the family and to not dwell on that. But I guess I was shocked at myself for being sensitive to that. I never expected myself to be sensitive to that, but I was. I think I was sensitive because Cody lately has felt like the closest thing to family that I have. With India gone, and my parents relationship being up and down, Cody has been my constant. He has been stable, and also his dad has been stable. So I guess I felt thrown when I was taking the family photo. I mean, Cody’s moms boyfriend was in the picture, and they aren’t married. I know that the boyfriend has been her boyfriend since Cody’s parents divorce, but I just felt so…rejected maybe?

But besides that, the holidays have been nice. I know that New Years is coming up and that means more family get togethers and get togethers with friends, so I will prepare myself for any emotional stuff that might be brought up. I think I also want to maybe address my adoption in therapy more. I honestly haven’t thought about the fact that I am adopted until a couple weeks ago, and I actually sat down to think about how adoption has affected my life. It’s not been a bad thing at all. It’s just being adopted has always made me have a different perspective on family. Family isn’t made from blood but by people that you love.

XOXO Anna

Figured It Out

I’ve written about how things have been hectic with my sister running away, but until today I never knew why everything about it was bothering me so much.

Ever since she has left it’s as if my family has been slowly falling a part. There has been no constant. By that I mean, no person who is constantly there or reliable. Besides Cody. My sister used to be my constant. I knew that no matter what happened or how far away we were if I really needed her she would be there for me. But given everything that’s happened she obviously isn’t my constant anymore.

My parents never were constants. I am not saying that they are bad or anything but my mom, well, I never know if she is going to have my back or criticize me first. My dad is better though, for the most part I know that he will be there, but will mention some criticism. But my sister…she never judged or criticized me when I went to her with things.

But she’s gone now. I mean, she’s alive and all, but it honestly feels as if she is dead. I feel like I am mourning her, and have been for the past couple months. Maybe, to those who’ve been reading my posts, you realized that I was mourning her, but that’s not what I’ve figured out. I partly already knew that, but didn’t want to admit it.

What I figured out, was going through all this, having my parents be on her side and me being kinda out of the loop with this… it really does feel like our family is falling a part. It feels as if I don’t have a family right now, and that is really sad.

My therapist said to me today if anything about my adoption had come up, and it has. This whole family mess that we are going through has definitely brought up my feelings from being adopted. I feel so many things right now.

I feel terrified that everything is truly going to fall apart. I feel scared that everyone is going to leave me (whether it actually be physically or emotionally or mentally). I know Cody says he is going to stay by my side and we are going to get through all this together… and it’s nice to hear, but part of me feels scared. Scared because Cody in a way has taken my sister’s place…as in he is my constant. I’ve had multiple people be my constants throughout the past couple years, Ethan, Eric, my sister, and some others but every one of them left or betrayed me. Part of me is dead terrified to think what would happen if Cody and I broke up because reality is I know exactly what I would do if Cody and I ever break up…and that’s whats scary. I know how deeply I would feel that pain. Just as deeply as I am feeling the pain that’s come from my sister leaving me.

My parents are out of town right now. My sister doesn’t answer my texts. I am spending Thanksgiving with Cody and his family. I don’t know if this is strange to say but growing up, because my parents were busy with work, my sister and I would usually be with friends and their families a lot. I know that I can think of two families from my childhood who still feel like they are family to me. I feel like if I needed I could call them up and ask if I could come over to visit and talk and maybe just stay the night if things ever got bad and I needed to escape.

I grew up knowing I was adopted and I knew that blood did not make a family. Because I didn’t really attach to my mom, I seemed to attach to my friends moms easily. I love my mom, I do, but part of me doesn’t understand her at times. We just don’t connect because we can be very different when emotions come up. She handles it by not talking about whatever is going on. If the topic is brought up she would tell us to stop talking about it. That’s how she handles things and for me, when I try to come to her with emotional things, it must bring up stuff for her, because she dismisses my feelings or thoughts at times. It hurts.

I feel very disconnected from my family right now. The only person I feel close to right now is Cody, and that scares me. I mean, yay whoopee I am close to my boyfriend which is kind of how it’s supposed to be in a relationship- but- it’s scary because I feel as if I have no one else.

I want to feel like I have my parents. I want to feel like I have my sister. I want to feel as if I had my family. I mean, is it sad to feel like your boyfriends family is more accepting of you and wants to spend time with you than your own family?

So much adoption stuff is going on in my head. I’ve been thinking about it all day ever since I got out of therapy. I even took a nap to try to just turn my mind off for a bit.But I am awake and thinking about how this family situation is making me feel alone. I feel so alone and scared it’s not even funny. I feel like I have no family, and my whole life family has been the most important thing to me. I don’t know what to do with my feelings, or what I am supposed to get from all this, but at least I figured out why I’ve been so upset. It makes a lot more sense now.

XOXO Anna

Stress, PTSD, Adoption

Yesterday I had my job interview, I personally have no idea on how it went. But with my cynical personality I tend to think that maybe I won’t get the job….but who knows! Anyways, I talked to my sister yesterday and it sucked. It really made me depressed (and that was after me being sad about the job interview). I went home and finished watching some chick flick and had two glasses of prosecco. Cody came home as the movie was finishing. I was not happy. I thought he wouldn’t be home that soon so he caught me watching a chick flick and drinking.

Chick flicks aren’t my thing, unless I’m sad and feeling romantic. I watch chick flicks when I feel like I have no real romantic future for myself, so why not lose myself in a stupid movie that makes it seem like people can get happy endings. As I stated before, I was having a very low day yesterday.

Cody ended up cheering me up. I was jealous that he went to hang with his brother. I mean, great for him, go do that. Hell, I wish I could do that with my sister. But my sister and I are still not on the best of terms I guess. I’m happy that Cody got to hang with his brother but it made me realize how much I miss hanging with my sister.

At the moment I have Cody and Serena as my options for people to hang out with. Cody has all his friends. Like he is hanging with one of his friends tomorrow, and I’m happy that he is doing that but it makes me wish I had some friends around me to hang out with. Maybe I’ll text Ethan, or other people from GA and see if they are free to Skype around the time that Cody will be hanging with his friend. I just don’t think anyone will be free to Skype with me… but I’ll try.

I guess since I hadn’t blogged in a while nor have I written in my journal, I didn’t realize how much Monster stuff, sister stuff, and school stuff was affecting me. I looked up classes for spring semester today and I am excited for the classes I want to take but it reminded me that I am not in school right now and it sucks. I love being in school. I know I may sound like a nerd but I love to learn.

My sister being distant has been hard. I just wish we could make up and talk about everything and she would let me in and I could help. I want to go back to the days of us in the TV room, watching shows together while eating our smart food and drinking tea and coffee. It was our thing and we haven’t done that in ages. Now I just watch TV by myself, and sometimes I turn my head to make a comment but my sister isn’t there. It’s sad.

Monster stuff has been coming up for a while without me realizing it until a couple days ago. But watching that chick flick yesterday just made me think of Monster, and watching the movie with the couple that got the happy ending of being together despite the struggles they had made me feel like I would never get the happily ever after. I know I may sound like a kid with a dream, but that’s okay. Everyone has dreams. My dream is to have a family and career. Peter, Monster, and Owen took that dream from me. Though even before them, when I was with Ethan, he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for a real commitment.

Ethan saw this gif, and I said that was so mean, and he said “yeah, I am going to do that for someone someday, it will be funny.” Note how he said someone. I guess I never got the message from anyone that I was long term material. I know that most guys see me as short term because they see me as a hot fuck. Which sucks. But whatever.

Before I met Cody, I envisioned my future as someone who had only their career and their pet. No husband or boyfriend, no real friends, and no kids. The best possible scenario I envisioned was me adopting and being a single mom. That was my happy ending that I saw after my trauma’s, and the single mom thing was if I was lucky. I know that when Cody heard me say that to him once he was sad that I thought of my future like that.

Now I actually do see a real possibility for a normal future. The one I dreamt of. But at the same time, with Monster stuff coming up, it threatens that dream of mine. It makes me feel like even though Cody and I are good, and he loves me and sees a future with me, I somehow think it’s going to disappear or be taken away. I know it’s irrational, but I just can’t help it I guess. I don’t think that all the time, it’s only when I feel vulnerable or down or some other emotion that is accosted with something negative. That’s why yesterday was so hard on me. I felt the job interview didn’t go so well, so I felt like a failure or rejected which brings out my trauma feelings, hence why I started thinking that I don’t get to have the future I dreamed of.

I am trying to figure out what I can do to make me feel better. I know being social could potentially make me feel better, but who the hell am I supposed to be social with?! I don’t want to hang with Serena again, I just hung out with her the other day. I just wish I had my guy friends around. I wanna hang with them. I want to feel like I actually do have friends and am not some loner loser. I know I am being quite harsh with my words towards myself. It’s just this is how I felt back in high school. I was a loner in high school. I had my small group of friends, but other than that I was a loner.

Cody seems to have so many friends and right now I feel like I have none. It’s a bit hard. Especially because of the fact that right now Monster stuff is coming up, I know I am not supposed to isolate or hide. I am supposed to try to go out and have fun.

But how am I supposed to have fun? Please tell me because for me, and my past, fun meant getting drunk and finding a guy to go home with to forget the fact that I went through the trauma’s. And right now, realizing that Monster stuff is coming up makes me want to avoid and hide. I want to pretend that all of it never happened to me.

I definitely am starting to struggle with my PTSD again…yay me for being not strong enough or something. I know that in my PTSD book it says that when symptoms come up it doesn’t mean you’re a failure, but right now I feel so angry. Angry at myself and angry at Monster. I know Cody says that my PTSD and anorexia and other stuff isn’t who I am, but it is part of me. I know that he says I make him happy and he loves me, but the part of me that was violated by these guys doesn’t comprehend that still.

People say experience is one of life’s best teachers. In my experience people eventually bail because of my PTSD. Cody says he isn’t going to bail. I’ve heard that before. I know he is different than the other people and I shouldn’t compare…but I am a bit scared. Hell, Eric was there for three years and then suddenly walks away as if I meant nothing to him. It seemed so easy for him to leave…after THREE FUCKING YEARS! Yeah, I’m angry. So much for best friends and being family, it obviously meant nothing. But see, it took Eric three years to leave me but he left. The others seem to come and go. They are there for me and then they will leave when things get tough, and somehow we come back together and the cycle repeats. There’s a reason I fear abandonment. I know my abandonment issues go way beyond these past couple years. It honestly, in my opinion, stems from my adoption. I am not sure if I’ve talked about my adoption on here yet, but I am now.

I’ve talked with my parents multiple times about my adoption. I think that me feeling unlovable and unworthy and undeserving all stems from my adoption. In my mind, I honestly don’t know how a parent could give up their child. I am not judging those who have, that’s your choice. For me, I think back and imagine having my parents give me away. Maybe it was hard for them, maybe it wasn’t their choice, maybe other things were at play. But at the end of the day, my thoughts on my adoption are that I was unwanted. If my own biological parents didn’t want me then why the hell would anyone else want me? I know, I’m being a little cynical and depressing, but it’s how I feel at times. But I know that my real parents want me and love me. I know that some stupid people who are my biological parents shouldn’t define whether I am good enough, lovable, wanted, and so on. They truly are just meaningless. The only thing they were good for was creating me, so why should I put so much weight into them? Who cares if they gave me away? Maybe it’s not me who isn’t deserving but it’s them? Because even though I’ve gone through a lot, I think I am deserving of lots of things. I think I am deserving of love and respect. I think I am worthy…as long as I don’t think about my adoption and trauma’s that is. So I am a fucking work in progress, which I will always be.

I guess I have to be okay with the fact that I am human and I am not perfect.

XOXO Anna