Everything Happens For A Reason

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know the things I’ve been through since I went to college. It’s been over three years since my first sexual assault, over two years since my first rape, and over a year since my second rape. Going through that, I honestly thought my life was pretty much over. At least romantically… even friendships seemed too hard to have.

This past year, being with Cody, he has taught me so much. I honestly never thought I would be “over” what happened to me. I live with it everyday, but it’s not as bad as it once was. Sure I have my off days where I will blame myself, or hate myself, or tell myself I deserved to be treated that way, but there are days where I know that it wasn’t my fault, and I love myself, and I know that I should be treated with respect.

The progress I’ve made…I never thought I would get to such a good place, especially in the after math of it happening. Especially with friends either blaming me, taking the rapists side, or leaving me. I didn’t think I could heal. But I did. I have, and am still healing every day.

There are days where I want to still curl up under the covers and cry because when I think back to it or if I have flashbacks -which rarely happen these days- I feel unsafe and scared. But those days are rare now. They are not my everyday experience. It’s taken a long time to heal, to really think that I can be loved after what I’ve been through. To believe that I should be treated with respect. For me to be able to believe that…it’s huge.

Because of what I’ve gone through it’s made me want to do something. Do something to help other survivors, and yes if you’ve been through this or any type of trauma you are a survivor. It takes an enormous amount of strength to get through a trauma. Be proud of how strong you are. Acknowledge it. I did. That is probably one of my favorite things about me, is how resilient I am and how strong I am. I wouldn’t change a thing about what I’ve been through. It’s shaped me into the person I am today. I am strong, determined, resilient, brave, courageous, and I don’t back down and cower. For me, going through those trauma’s really in the end made me a better person. It took time to understand that though.

After my trauma’s I hated myself, thought I was worthless, and wanted to kill myself at times. It’s taken a long time to get to this point of self-love, and acceptance. I still struggle, but for the most part I am okay.

I am still not at the point where I feel I can be “out” about it, but I’ve made a lot of progress with it. I am pursuing a career in justice because of what I’ve gone through, and because of what almost every one of my girlfriends tell me they’ve gone through. I want to help the survivors and stop the perpetrators. I want things to change. I want there to be better sex education in schools. I think that over the past couple years, that there have been a lot of steps forward regarding rape issues, and talking about it. Rape used to never be talked about. Now it’s everywhere.

In my police class, my professor when talking about rape, I could see how disgusted he was. He hated how hard it was to convict a rapist, and he really was upset that rape is the only crime where the victim is accused. I personally didn’t have the best experience with the police and my rapes, but just seeing my professor be so affected helped.

I know I can’t be a cop, due to my anorexia, and I don’t know if I could cut it as a lawyer. I do want to pursue my forensic psychology studies, but I also want to be a therapist. I have helped a lot of my friends, and even my own therapist said I would be a good therapist. That meant a lot to me. She was the therapist I saw for my traumas, and I worked with her until maybe a month ago.

I want to be able to help survivors in some way. Whether it’s helping them through therapy, or emails and talking to them, or being a volunteer at a shelter. To me, helping others is the best thing I could do with my life. I love when I can really help  a person, and keep them from making mistakes I’ve made or I know others have made. I like seeing other people succeed. That is what brings me the greatest happiness. With going through what I’ve been through, it just made it so much more clear that’s where I want my life to go; to helping others.

Hopefully through some of my blog posts I’ve helped people or at least they’ve learned through my own mistakes. If anyone ever wants to reach out, or even just ask me a question that you would want me to post about, or have a topic you want me to write about, email me and I would love to. I want to be able to write about things you guys want to read about.

Email: anonymousannaxo@gmail.com

(anything emailed to me will stay private if you want me to answer a type of question. I will just say Reader X asked this. As you know by my blog I like to keep things anonymous because it is safer and a more open environment)

XOXO Anna

Sick, Talking, and Sex

Last night after I posted I got sick; I didn’t throw up but I had an upset stomach and felt nauseous. It sucked and I didn’t let Cody know. He was gaming and I dealt with it for three hours. Cody went to check on me and found me holding a trash can. He wished I had told him. I didn’t want him to worry. But he made me tea and got me water and stayed with me for a bit before going back to gaming. That kind of created some tension though for me.

I wanted for him to not go back to gaming after he found out I wasn’t feeling well, but he said, “why can’t I do both?” I get it, he can game and care about me at the same time, but I just wished he would have stayed with me, but I didn’t tell him that, so I don’t blame him for not knowing.

Before he left though I told him I was only going to be mad at him if he didn’t read the post The Story With Peter later that night. I told him I was waiting all night for that. He obviously wasn’t going to read it that night by his reaction. I told him he could go game but that I was expecting that he would read it later. He said that he said he didn’t want to read it because he didn’t want his mood to change, and I said I thought he meant earlier. I told him I was giving him the night to do gaming and whatever before he read it. In the end I felt disappointed and told him not to read it and to go game.

He left looking pathetic and probably feeling bad. He did check on me after five minutes to make sure I was okay and I said I was starting to feel better. He left and I was about to write a post when he game in and sat on the bed. He looked really emotional and I was confused by that. He told me he read the post and was extremely angry. I wasn’t sure if I believed him so he told me some things I wrote and I new he didn’t skim but actually read it. We ended up talking about it, and honestly it brought up a lot. I was so happy that he didn’t blame me. In fact, he said what some others said when it first happened and I told people. He and others said that Peter sounded like a predator. It was just interesting how Cody used that word because others had too. It felt good that Cody didn’t blame me, believed me, and was angry about it.

I did feel ashamed though. For the longest time Peter felt like a dirty little secret. Now it’s out for everyone to know or read. I am not sure how I feel about it completely. Part of me is happy that I feel like I’m not carrying that around like it is something to hide…and part of me feels very vulnerable because I shared that experience. I do feel embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed because of what Peter did to me. I don’t like feeling those emotions, but that’s the emotions that come up when I talk about Peter.

This morning before Cody had to go to work we had sex, but I got slightly triggered so we stopped. I felt like crap because I got triggered again. It sucked. Cody told me that nothing changed when I asked if he looked at me differently. He still loves me and all that. I was just scared that if Cody knew all that then things might change or maybe he wouldn’t be able to look at me the same or that he would leave. Cody thought I was being ridiculous with thinking that but understood.

I’m feeling better this morning though, besides still feeling a bit sick. Even though I was triggered, Cody and I talked. I went to grab breakfast and I am quite relaxed now. Hoping the rest of the day goes well! I’ll be grabbing lunch with Cody, and I should go grocery shopping… but probably won’t. Then tonight Cody and I will go out to dinner and come home for netflix and cuddling…so it probably will be a good day.

XOXO Anna

Unexpected

I got a letter from RCC (Rape Crisis Center) today. It brought up some stuff. Cody and I had amazing sex, but eventually I got somewhat triggered and we had to stop. I felt bad, but I did say that I needed to stop. I wish we could have continued, but I knew I did the right thing by telling him that I needed to stop. I love that he respects that. I feel like most guys would get pissed or frustrated with me and my stupid PTSD. I still am in awe of Cody’s understanding and patience.

Cody said he would read my post The Story With Peter later. I asked him if he was going to read it and he said he didn’t want to be in a bad or angry mood for the night. He said he would read it though. I don’t know when though. But yeah. I don’t know how to feel about that. Part of me understands and then part of me is like, “well what do you think I feel like?” but I don’t know. I just want to be able to talk to him about stuff like that without it being hard or I don’t know…

XOXO Anna

Blackout Drunk

I got blackout drunk last night and I am very upset at myself. I felt invisible with Cody and his friend and let them have their night, but Owen stuff was coming up for me since I was raped last year on the 18th.Cody filled me in this morning on what happened last night. Once his friend went home he came to check on me and I started breaking down crying. I also after that apparently wanted sex. He of course didn’t have sex with me. I remember that. I also told him to leave me. The truth is I have been trying to push him away, since last week. I have been doing that because I felt like pushing him away during my trauma stuff would be better, that way he didn’t have to deal with it. But as Cody has told me a million times, he wants to help me and be there for me.

I apologized for getting drunk, and for trying to push him away. He said he understood and wasn’t mad at me. He said he just wanted to help. Jeez, he is seriously so good. I honestly don’t understand how he can love me so much…through it all. It’s pretty amazing though. I feel extremely lucky to be with him.

Tonight is date night. We are going to this movie theatre where you can bring your own alcohol. I am not drinking, but he will be. You can even have ice cream at this theatre. And they have reclining chairs. It’s going to be a fun night.

XOXO Anna

What do I do?

It’s officially one year since Owen raped me.

I’m drunk, I’m crying. I’m not coping at all. I don’t know what to do to get through this. I am sorry but I am stressing majorly. I don’t want to remember it. I don’t  want to remember him at all… I know drinking doesn’t solve shit but I don’t know what to do.

I am feeling like crap. I hate that I got raped. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!

I don’t know how I could be so stupid as to trusting a guy 10 years older than me… I hate it. I hate the memory. I hate him. I hate it all… How could I be so stupid?

XOXO Anna

Mind Blowing Sex and Separation Anxiety

Last night Cody and I hung out with some of his friends and then we came back home and had the most amazing sex. Cody has told me many times through out our relationship that I am sometimes too much for him to handle sexually because he is so pleasured. I always thought he was just being nice because I didn’t really get the idea of being pleasured so much that you actually couldn’t take it…that was until last night. I now understand why he says that.

I was so happy to not have any PTSD thing come up last night. We had the best time and I honestly thought sex with Cody couldn’t get better but it just keeps getting better. It’s been seven months of having amazing sex, having an amazingly supportive partner, and finally realizing what a healthy relationship is.

I can tell you that before Cody I did not have a healthy sex life at all with any of the past guys. I didn’t realize that I had it so bad until I met Cody. I never really realized how much guys manipulated or guilted me into doing things for them. I just thought, “Well, that’s how guys are, and that’s how it is.” But Cody never pressures me and he always says I can say no. He respects when I say no, and he listens if I say I want to have sex but to take it slowly because I don’t want to get triggered.

Cody works for my parents, and they had an Atlanta show last week, and this week they have their Dallas show, and next week they have their New York show. I didn’t realize they had the Dallas show this week. I’ve always had separation anxiety from my parents when they are traveling. I was really shocked to find out that my mom wasn’t coming home last night, and that my dad was leaving this morning for Dallas. I mean, it’s nice that Cody and I have the house to ourselves, but I miss my parents when they’re gone.

I called my mom this morning after my dad left because I could feel myself starting to panic and she talked me down. I told her all about how my PTSD had been acting up and how having them gone was hard. It helped though to talk to her. I know I have my issues with my mom, but one thing she is good at is getting me to calm down. It also helped that Cody went out to breakfast with me. I am having a pretty good start to the week, excluding the anxiety. 

Hope everyone else is having a good monday!

XOXO Anna

Dying Hair and One Year

Serena came over and dyed my hair for me. The color looks really nice! I absolutely love my new dark brown hair. We then went to her house and I got some of her clothes that she didn’t fit in anymore. She did my makeup and I did her hair and we went out to a bar to meet some of her friends. Cody was meeting us there. Before he got there some guys were trying to talk and dance with me and that made me uncomfortable. I didn’t think the bar we were going to would be as packed as it was last night, and it was nerve wracking.

I didn’t really want to be there once I realized how packed it was. I mean, though I got raped on the 18th, it happened on a saturday night to sunday morning. I was already hoping not to be triggered but being at a bar that had a club environment in the back room was anxiety provoking. I had a drink before Cody got there but once Cody got there and I stuck to him like glue. We got a drink and we danced and went home. I knew I was drunk but I wanted to have sex and I hid the fact that I was drunk from Cody. We had sex, and I got very triggered after it. I had a flashback right after sex and it was very intense. It took Cody a while to get me to calm down. To me it felt like hours, but it probably was just third minutes. I was terrified though during my flashback. Cody did an amazing job to keep me as grounded as possible.

Cody’s making french toast right now. We are doing brunch in this weekend because we are trying to save money. I hope everyone else is having a great weekend!

XOXO Anna

Dissociating

I was fine earlier today. Hell I wrote my book all day then napped. Cody got home and we made out and wanted to have sex but we had to go out to dinner for his dads birthday. Then at dinner I started dissociating. I don’t know why. I can’t even remember half of the conversation that went on at the table. I wasn’t really there.

Cody still wants to have sex, I want to want to have sex. I mean, if my mood changes and I’m not dissociating when Cody gets home then I would love to. Cody went to his house to duel with his brother. I am not sure what to do right now. I could try sleeping, or get in a shower… but I just don’t know. I hate being dissociated because I feel disconnected from myself and everyone around me. I am really getting sick of my PTSD acting up. I am really starting to feel like a major failure. I just pray that by the time Cody gets home I’m not dissociating. He really wants to have sex and I don’t want to let him down. I know he would say if I am not okay then we won’t do it, but I feel bad. I feel so sad that I’m getting triggered and dissociating and just being a PTSD mess.

XOXO Anna

More PTSD

Last night, again, I got triggered during sex. I am getting really upset now. Two times in a row? I feel so bad… like I know Cody is understanding and says it’s not my fault and I shouldn’t feel bad about being triggered, but I do. I feel like a failure. Maybe it’s because January 18th marks one year since Owen? Or because we just got back from Savannah? I have no idea, but I am triggered. I hate it so much. Getting triggered during sex feels terrifying and like I haven’t gotten past it. It is confusing and annoying and I hate it.

I don’t get why it keeps happening. Plus I keep having nightmares about being captured, raped, or that Cody is cheating or leaving me… I hate it. I don’t get why my PTSD symptoms are coming up…unless it’s the anniversary which would make sense. I am going to keep writing and stay busy until school starts, which one of my books should be arriving in the mail today!

XOXO Anna

PTSD and the Future

This morning Cody and I were making out and Cody answered one of my questions with, “I can’t help it, you’re so beautiful.” That was the biggest trigger ever. I didn’t know it was a trigger until this morning. That’s what Owen said as to why he raped me. Cody apologized right after he said it.

I felt like I was back in GA and thought I was at Owen’s place. It felt as if the rape had just happened. It sucked majorly. I felt so stupid because part of me knew I was home, but the other part of me felt like I was back with Owen. It was scary. I definitely was flashing back. Not one of those extreme flashbacks where I really have no idea where I am or who I’m with , but one of those flashbacks where you seem to be okay and normal but inside your head your back reliving the trauma.

Cody and I went to breakfast later and we talked about the future. We’ve been talking a lot about the future…our future. It’s been a week or so since I’ve felt this change. It’s a good change; it feels like the next step. We’ve talked about careers, the dog we want to eventually get, plans for apartments and even one day a house, and kids. We definitely talked about marriage, not that we haven’t discussed that before, we definitely have, it’s just this past week it’s felt more real. Something changed between Cody and I in the best way possible. I can’t describe it really, but it feels right to be with him and think of him as my future partner. Not to say that it didn’t before, but it just… you know when people say you know when you know…. it’s kind of like that feeling.

But I am really happy with Cody, happy beyond belief. I never thought I would really be able to find someone I could be with, see myself with, for the rest of my life. But with Cody I see so many possibilities.

I hope the rest of today gets better. My PTSD is a ROYAL BITCH today. My mind won’t stop wandering and I am totally anxious. I want to run away, like I have that urge to just get in my car and drive and keep going. Obviously I’m not going to do that but I really miss GA. I miss Quick Silver and Andy a lot. I really can’t wait until Cody and I take the road trip to GA.

Cody and I talked a lot about Owen this morning, since I was triggered and all, and I guess there was just too much talk of him because I am still feeling all anxious and nervous and on edge. But tonight Cody and I are going to Parkour. We went last week and it was my first time and I loved it! Cody has been doing it for ages, so he is really good. Parkour is a lot of fun and it gets my mood up for sure. I hope I continue to work on my front flip this evening because last week we worked on that and I was doing pretty well for my first time, at least that’s what Cody told me.

Hope everyone’s having a good week!

XOXO Anna

Drunk and Hurt

So I am drunk. I know I said I got through Monsters anniversary… but I saw Ethan wish Monster a happy birthday on the 10th. It really hurt me beyond belief. I wrote out a note to get out my feelings. Part of me wants to post it and part of me is hesitant. I am not sure what I’m going to do, but I want to be understood. I want someone to understand the pain that Ethan has caused by staying by my rapists side.

XOXO Anna

Stress, PTSD, Adoption

Yesterday I had my job interview, I personally have no idea on how it went. But with my cynical personality I tend to think that maybe I won’t get the job….but who knows! Anyways, I talked to my sister yesterday and it sucked. It really made me depressed (and that was after me being sad about the job interview). I went home and finished watching some chick flick and had two glasses of prosecco. Cody came home as the movie was finishing. I was not happy. I thought he wouldn’t be home that soon so he caught me watching a chick flick and drinking.

Chick flicks aren’t my thing, unless I’m sad and feeling romantic. I watch chick flicks when I feel like I have no real romantic future for myself, so why not lose myself in a stupid movie that makes it seem like people can get happy endings. As I stated before, I was having a very low day yesterday.

Cody ended up cheering me up. I was jealous that he went to hang with his brother. I mean, great for him, go do that. Hell, I wish I could do that with my sister. But my sister and I are still not on the best of terms I guess. I’m happy that Cody got to hang with his brother but it made me realize how much I miss hanging with my sister.

At the moment I have Cody and Serena as my options for people to hang out with. Cody has all his friends. Like he is hanging with one of his friends tomorrow, and I’m happy that he is doing that but it makes me wish I had some friends around me to hang out with. Maybe I’ll text Ethan, or other people from GA and see if they are free to Skype around the time that Cody will be hanging with his friend. I just don’t think anyone will be free to Skype with me… but I’ll try.

I guess since I hadn’t blogged in a while nor have I written in my journal, I didn’t realize how much Monster stuff, sister stuff, and school stuff was affecting me. I looked up classes for spring semester today and I am excited for the classes I want to take but it reminded me that I am not in school right now and it sucks. I love being in school. I know I may sound like a nerd but I love to learn.

My sister being distant has been hard. I just wish we could make up and talk about everything and she would let me in and I could help. I want to go back to the days of us in the TV room, watching shows together while eating our smart food and drinking tea and coffee. It was our thing and we haven’t done that in ages. Now I just watch TV by myself, and sometimes I turn my head to make a comment but my sister isn’t there. It’s sad.

Monster stuff has been coming up for a while without me realizing it until a couple days ago. But watching that chick flick yesterday just made me think of Monster, and watching the movie with the couple that got the happy ending of being together despite the struggles they had made me feel like I would never get the happily ever after. I know I may sound like a kid with a dream, but that’s okay. Everyone has dreams. My dream is to have a family and career. Peter, Monster, and Owen took that dream from me. Though even before them, when I was with Ethan, he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for a real commitment.

Ethan saw this gif, and I said that was so mean, and he said “yeah, I am going to do that for someone someday, it will be funny.” Note how he said someone. I guess I never got the message from anyone that I was long term material. I know that most guys see me as short term because they see me as a hot fuck. Which sucks. But whatever.

Before I met Cody, I envisioned my future as someone who had only their career and their pet. No husband or boyfriend, no real friends, and no kids. The best possible scenario I envisioned was me adopting and being a single mom. That was my happy ending that I saw after my trauma’s, and the single mom thing was if I was lucky. I know that when Cody heard me say that to him once he was sad that I thought of my future like that.

Now I actually do see a real possibility for a normal future. The one I dreamt of. But at the same time, with Monster stuff coming up, it threatens that dream of mine. It makes me feel like even though Cody and I are good, and he loves me and sees a future with me, I somehow think it’s going to disappear or be taken away. I know it’s irrational, but I just can’t help it I guess. I don’t think that all the time, it’s only when I feel vulnerable or down or some other emotion that is accosted with something negative. That’s why yesterday was so hard on me. I felt the job interview didn’t go so well, so I felt like a failure or rejected which brings out my trauma feelings, hence why I started thinking that I don’t get to have the future I dreamed of.

I am trying to figure out what I can do to make me feel better. I know being social could potentially make me feel better, but who the hell am I supposed to be social with?! I don’t want to hang with Serena again, I just hung out with her the other day. I just wish I had my guy friends around. I wanna hang with them. I want to feel like I actually do have friends and am not some loner loser. I know I am being quite harsh with my words towards myself. It’s just this is how I felt back in high school. I was a loner in high school. I had my small group of friends, but other than that I was a loner.

Cody seems to have so many friends and right now I feel like I have none. It’s a bit hard. Especially because of the fact that right now Monster stuff is coming up, I know I am not supposed to isolate or hide. I am supposed to try to go out and have fun.

But how am I supposed to have fun? Please tell me because for me, and my past, fun meant getting drunk and finding a guy to go home with to forget the fact that I went through the trauma’s. And right now, realizing that Monster stuff is coming up makes me want to avoid and hide. I want to pretend that all of it never happened to me.

I definitely am starting to struggle with my PTSD again…yay me for being not strong enough or something. I know that in my PTSD book it says that when symptoms come up it doesn’t mean you’re a failure, but right now I feel so angry. Angry at myself and angry at Monster. I know Cody says that my PTSD and anorexia and other stuff isn’t who I am, but it is part of me. I know that he says I make him happy and he loves me, but the part of me that was violated by these guys doesn’t comprehend that still.

People say experience is one of life’s best teachers. In my experience people eventually bail because of my PTSD. Cody says he isn’t going to bail. I’ve heard that before. I know he is different than the other people and I shouldn’t compare…but I am a bit scared. Hell, Eric was there for three years and then suddenly walks away as if I meant nothing to him. It seemed so easy for him to leave…after THREE FUCKING YEARS! Yeah, I’m angry. So much for best friends and being family, it obviously meant nothing. But see, it took Eric three years to leave me but he left. The others seem to come and go. They are there for me and then they will leave when things get tough, and somehow we come back together and the cycle repeats. There’s a reason I fear abandonment. I know my abandonment issues go way beyond these past couple years. It honestly, in my opinion, stems from my adoption. I am not sure if I’ve talked about my adoption on here yet, but I am now.

I’ve talked with my parents multiple times about my adoption. I think that me feeling unlovable and unworthy and undeserving all stems from my adoption. In my mind, I honestly don’t know how a parent could give up their child. I am not judging those who have, that’s your choice. For me, I think back and imagine having my parents give me away. Maybe it was hard for them, maybe it wasn’t their choice, maybe other things were at play. But at the end of the day, my thoughts on my adoption are that I was unwanted. If my own biological parents didn’t want me then why the hell would anyone else want me? I know, I’m being a little cynical and depressing, but it’s how I feel at times. But I know that my real parents want me and love me. I know that some stupid people who are my biological parents shouldn’t define whether I am good enough, lovable, wanted, and so on. They truly are just meaningless. The only thing they were good for was creating me, so why should I put so much weight into them? Who cares if they gave me away? Maybe it’s not me who isn’t deserving but it’s them? Because even though I’ve gone through a lot, I think I am deserving of lots of things. I think I am deserving of love and respect. I think I am worthy…as long as I don’t think about my adoption and trauma’s that is. So I am a fucking work in progress, which I will always be.

I guess I have to be okay with the fact that I am human and I am not perfect.

XOXO Anna

California Enacts “Yes Means Yes” Law

Yes Means Yes

That’s the article I just read. Honestly I am not sure what to think about it. I’m glad it’s gotten people talking but I am not sure the “yes means yes” is as good as it seems. There’s pro’s and cons to this law. What is good is that it’s acknowledging that women and men who get assaulted don’t always have the courage to say no and that silence is not consent. Sometimes they are being threatened or are too scared or aren’t really conscious or are wasted out of their minds.

I have to say though, this law does present some issues that people commented on. What if the person said yes but was coerced? That’s just one thought. And how would one prove that verbal consent was given, and under what circumstances?

I am lucky enough to have a boyfriend who asks me if I’m okay with having sex before it happens, or while we are making out. He even will check in with me during sex at times because he knows my history of sexual assault and being raped two times, and knows that sometimes while we are in the middle of having sex I could change my mind about continuing, and when I do, he gets off me and we get dressed.

I know that some people have commented that it’s ridiculous to ask every time before you have sex, but what’s the harm? Maybe it’s not “sexy” but it’s respectful.

What are your opinions on this new law? I still want to read more about it so I can make an informed decision and opinion.

XOXO Anna

One Year, School, Triggers, and Job Interview

It feels like I haven’t posted in a while. But it’s been one year since I signed up for WordPress, so I had to post. I tend to not post while trying to process through things.

Cody and his school work… oh that’s been hard. He has a test right now. Last night we started the homework and studying. Cody got frustrated maybe a half hour into doing the work. He didn’t finish the first lesson and got frustrated when looking at the second one. I got him to watch me do some problems so he would understand how they were done. I’m hoping he does alright, but we agreed the new way to handle homework is to do some problems each night so he isn’t overwhelmed the night before it’s due. Cody texted me and since he was late and only had twenty minutes before his class ended he didn’t go. I guess cody wasn’t exaggerating when he told me how hard it was going to be to get him to do his work and pass his classes.

Lately I’ve been triggered by Monster stuff. Monster and I got together around this time two years ago. Last year I was reporting him and waiting to hear back from my officer around this time last year. I also was kinda single and didn’t have a real, close, intimate, healthy relationship.

I’ve been projecting things that are Monster related onto Cody, and now that I know that’s why I’ve been off it makes me feel better. This is the first guy I’ve loved since Monster, and knowing my feelings for Cody makes me realize how little I did love Monster. Blair says it best above my feelings for Cody.

At least I now know why I’ve had irrational thoughts and feelings. But Monster and I got together around this time two years ago. I think it was on the 17th actually. Anniversaries are the worst. They always bring things up. Cody said he hadn’t noticed me being different or off. I let him know though so if it does become noticeable he will at least know why I’m off.

My parents even have been on my case because I’ve been so angry and irritable lately. (my mom is sitting next to me and literally as I was writing that sentence asked me why I’ve been so irritable). I haven’t told them it’s because of Monster issues. I probably will tell them eventually.

I finally have that job interview at that diner I applied to. It’s at 2:30 and I’m nervous. I hope it goes well…Only time will tell though. Hoping I get the job! Fingers crossed.

XOXO Anna

Lady Gaga’s Music Video

 I know that my mom told me to watch it and well, damn. It was triggering for me to watch but it was also important. I really do want to know what your thoughts on this are? I personally think it was brave and courageous for Lady Gaga to make a music video like this. It really does show the damage that is done.  Please comment with your thoughts 🙂

XOXO Anna

The Family Situation

The full story behind what’s been going on is about to be explained.

If you’ve read my past posts, you will know that my sister ran away. I gave up going to school this semester. Before my family decided to go find my sister we found out a lot. We confirmed she had been cutting. We found out she wrote a suicide note back in march. We found out why she wrote the suicide note (which I still won’t reveal because it’s her business).

We went out of the country to the small town she was in. First day there we found the place she was staying and the post office we sent her package too. The second day we staked out the post office to see if she was going to come pick up the package, which she didn’t. We told her we were in town and that we weren’t going to leave until we saw her.

She texted back that she was on her way to the hotel. She called me and told me she only wanted to see me, and so I went down outside the hotel and saw my sister and the 18 year old guy she was staying with. She looked terrible. There were bruises on her (from a night they got black out drunk) and she looked like she lost weight too. The guy convinced her to talk to me, so we walked around the corner and I talked to her while she just stood there with no expression. I was pouring my heart out to her. I could tell at one point she was trying to hide her emotions and not cry like I was starting to do.

I knew I wasn’t getting anywhere with her so we went back to the front of the hotel. The guy convinced her to go upstairs and talk to my parents. My dad described my sister walking into the hotel room like she was walking into an execution. We all tried talking to her. Telling her how much we loved her. She just continued to ask for money. when my dad started to say no, she bolted out the door. I ran after her and the elevator that was always slow when I needed it, well the door opened right away. I ran and got in front of her as she was pushing me, trying to get in the elevator. I held her outside of it though, and my dad walked around the corner and helped get her off me. My dad asked the guy to come in the hotel room to talk.

My sister and the guy sat on the couch as my parents talked to him. My dad asked if we could meet his mom since that’s who they were living with. He agreed.

That was an extremely hard day and that’s the day I cut.

The next day we met with him, my sister, and his mom in a mall. She honestly was such a nice woman. The meeting went well. We agreed that the next day we would go shopping so my sister would have clothes for the winter.

We went to the mall, and waited for them to arrive. While waiting I went shopping at this store to distract myself from the crazy situation we were in and found a gorgeous sexy dress, a pair of pants, and an amazing top. When they arrived my sister said she wanted me to go shopping with her and the guy. It wasn’t very successful because I do get anxiety when shopping and I only got her to agree to buy a pair of pants.

We went back to the food court and then his mom and my mom went with my sister and the guy to shop. I stayed with my dad. After they came back with what my sister actually needed, we all went out to dinner. It was hard. There were moments where it seemed like nothing had changed and my sister and I were like we always were. Then it hit me that she was going to be staying with this family for the semester.

When we said goodbye my sister actually hugged each of us back and said she loved us after we each told her we loved her. I cried. It was extremely hard and I cut again that night.

The next day we went home without my sister.

It’s been really hard. The whole situation has made me beyond anxious. I have had nightmares since the first night we left the country until now. Also, because all this stuff with my sister brought up some of my own stuff, it’s been really hard. I’ve had irrational fears about Cody and I, and I’ve had more irrational thoughts regarding me and my worth and whether I am deserving of love and such.

I had therapy today and talked about everything that this situation has brought up for me. It’s brought up all these old irrational fears and thoughts that I haven’t had since I met Cody. It’s brought up Monster stuff (rape stuff, and cheating stuff), and it’s brought up abandonment issues. It’s also brought up separation anxiety. I am also struggling with eating… so lots is going on.

I am trying my best to keep it together, and keep things as normal as possible.

XOXO Anna

Suicide Medicine

I found that song on my sister’s computer and now it’s one of my songs I listen to when depressed.

I am low. I cut again tonight. I snuck into my dads bag and found a sewing kit and found a safety pin. I took that into my shower and I tried cutting over my XO but since I fucked it up the other night I just couldn’t get it right and it just hurt too much before I drew any little amount of blood so I gave up. Also Cody asked to Skype and I told him, and he let me go to finish cutting while he skyped his friend while gaming or something.

I tried to go over my XO but it just was getting me more frustrated and wasn’t serving my need. I ended up going below my tattoo on my wrist and starting a new, smaller, XO. I got that right and got to see minimal blood. Scratching yourself with a safety pin and making an XO is actually time consuming. It takes time to scratch in an XO. Maybe my sister and other cutters have it right with using razor blades so it’s quick. I just can’t use anything too sharp for fear of doing real damage. I rather be in as much control with my self harm as I can. I don’t want to go deep and I don’t want to kill myself, or have that risk while self-harming.

I like being in control and just scratching to the point where blood is starting. Then I stop. Though I’ll admit I had a hard time stopping tonight. I got to where I wanted. A new XO is on my wrist. It had it’s minimal blood showing but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t get further with that though, so I cut lines under it because all the other space on my arm between the top XO and the bottom XO was taken.

I lied to my parents tonight. My dad had to come into the bathroom once and I said I was relaxing. My mom came in to brush her teeth and asked if I was self-harming and I said no, just taking a bath. I haven’t self-harmed, and lied about it in what seems like ages.

Today would have marked seven months clean of self-harming. Also my three month anniversary with Cody also marks my one year since I stopped getting drunk. AA back in GA called me today asking if I still went and if they were going to need to make my one year chip with my name on it, but I told them I moved out of GA. You guys have no idea how much I wish I could be getting that chip. I honestly haven’t lost myself in drinking since I went to AA. I mean I’ve definitely drank and gotten drunk, but I haven’t been as bad as I was before AA. I mean, I used to get drunk every thursday, friday, and saturday night back in my fall quarter in my sophomore year. Until I got with Monster. Eric and Ethan made sure I didn’t keep drinking.

But I hate how much has changed. So much is going on. With my sister running away, and staying here and not coming home with us, it kills me. It kills me to know what she went through, the pain she is suffering, and what she is or was doing to herself. But hey, I self harmed the other day and today so I can’t judge, but then again my self harm is quite minimal compared to others.

I know I haven’t told you all about what’s going on with my sister and my family and the situation we are in, and I can’t reveal that until maybe another day or two, but it is a very difficult situation. I cried when I had to say goodbye to her today.

Hell we had dinner with her and the people she was staying with and at the end I excused myself to get some air and the thought of running away or just walking into traffic crossed my mind. And when my and my mom and dad went to a bar after that thought of walking into traffic plagued my mind.

So I did the lesser of two evils. I cut. But that doesn’t mean that suicide has left my mind. I know I’m writing about it and I am sorry if it worries anyone. I have said it in past posts that I would never commit suicide, but I do need to talk about it. I need to say that I am suffering right now. I am going through a lot and so many things are going on and I am not sure how I am going to get through it all.

1. My sister ran away, wrote of suicide, admitted to something I can’t reveal, and self harms and my family is completely helpless and can’t do anything about it because she is 18.
2. It’s that time of year. Eric and I were together last year around this time. I also reported Monster just about now last year. Eric dumped me and I dealt with Monster getting away with rape by myself.
3. November 7th will be coming up, which is the anniversary of Monster raping me.
4. I am not going to school this semester because of my sister. School was the only thing that was making things better and keeping me grounded and made me have a purpose. I was heading towards my goals and now I am stuck with nothing. I feel useless and purposeless.

So things aren’t looking too good right now. I mean, hey I’ll try to stay positive and not completely lose myself in a pit of depression and self hatred. I know I am not being super positive right now but I just have been so strong for everyone else while this whole situation has been going on, and seeing my sister is what made me crack, what made me brake.

Also I know how stupid this is but Cody is playing games and wanted me to Skype with him and his friend he is playing with but why in the god fuck would I Skype with a stranger while I am this depressed and just self harmed? Like if anything I want to Skype with Cody just so I can talk to JUST HIM so I can not feel as bad as I am feeling now. I obviously suck at hinting over FB message that I … it doesn’t matter.

I am just so low so why bring anyone else down with me right? No Cody would absolutely hate me if I… but I can’t ruin his fun.

I feel like a loser and a failure and gross and meaningless and worthless and undeserving and fuck. I just have no self esteem right now. I have no motivation and I have no confidence what so fucking ever. I want to talk to someone. I want to reach out for help but I can’t. I have to be strong or appear strong for my parents. I don’t want to burden anyone either. I feel so bad right now. And I’ve been writing notes down on my phone of my feelings from the past couple days and fuck. I scare myself with what I feel. I haven’t felt this kind of depression in a while. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel so fucking bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to ask for help, or even deserve help even if I ask. Fuck I am back to where I was before college. Back to my secrecy and self hatred. Unless I get the courage to let someone know how I am truly feeling…

XOXO Anna

A Living Nightmare

I haven’t posted in a couple days, and I can’t really post much now. Let’s just say things with The Case have gotten very scary. I will post all about it in a couple days, but for now things can’t be revealed. My family is barely holding it together.

Last night, I self-harmed when I was drunk. Yes, that’s how bad The Case got. It made me so upset and sad and scared that I couldn’t handle my emotions and I needed that release. I am so disappointed in myself but my mom and dad keep telling me I have been incredibly strong through out the whole thing and that it’s to be expected to break down in the situation we are in.

I know this post is vague, but when we get back in the country I will be able to explain the full situation at hand. I just hope things go well today, though it isn’t looking too good.

Hope everyone else is having a good day!

XOXO Anna

Panic

I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I ended up drinking too much last night because I wanted to see if I could remember anything from that night with Monster.

There’s a lot going on right now with my sister missing/running away, school, and it being that time of year when I reported Monster.

I know I have to keep it together. I know that, but at the same time I feel like I haven’t been. I feel like I’ve been letting everyone (mom, dad, Cody) down because I have been crying or I’ve been more likely to be triggered. I feel like a failure in truth. Maybe I am being too hard on myself, it’s one of the things I do best. But I am just seriously stressed.

I know Cody loves seeing me happy, and I love being happy, and lately its been harder to be at the level of consistant happiness that I was before my sister ran away. There are days where I seem fine and then suddenly something happens and I cry, or my mood shifts and it sucks. Yesterday I was fine until Cody got home and I paused an episode of Criminal Minds and I got crazy nauseous. I think something in the episode triggered something relating to my sister and my childhood. That really unnerved me.

Then I went out with Cody and his friends and I was at the bar and there was a bottle of Jack Daniels on the wall in front of me and all I could think was to try and remember something from the night Monster raped me. I just wanted to fill in the blanks. I want answers. I know I can’t have them, and I know Monster lied to me, but I want proof, and I figured if I could just remember then… I don’t know I would have some peace with it, or understand why Monster did it.

I fucking hate PTSD. It’s a royal bitch, and I’ve written that so many times on here. I just hate whenever any PTSD symptom comes up because to me, I feel like I have failed if I am not 100% better or okay. I know how irrational that is, or maybe not irrational, but setting too high of standards. Even in the PTSD book I have that is like my bible for surviving, it says that setbacks are normal, especially around anniversary’s.

But to me, because I have lost pretty much everyone throughout my recovery from my trauma’s, I feel like if my PTSD acts up it means I am at risk for losing another person. That creates a huge amount of anxiety for me. I have lost literally everyone except for my parents, Andy, and Quick Silver through my trauma’s. I now have Cody, but a part of me still fears that my PTSD or my stuff is too much since that is the message I’ve gotten from people.

I hate that I feel like I am not being strong. I just don’t want others to not see me as strong through this stuff. I have gotten back into my old bad habit of saying “I’m sorry” way too much. I constantly am saying sorry and when I say I am sorry its out of fear. I always say sorry because I am scared and trying to avoid a negative consequence. Now not all my apologies are like that, but the times I say sorry when there is literally no god damn good reason for me to say I am sorry, it’s because I am scared.

Everything is constantly changing, that I know. But I am not a fan of change. I like what I know and am familiar with. It takes time to get used to change. It takes time to accept new things. I explained to Cody that it is going to take time for me to be fully comfortable or understand or accept everything that he does that’s good because I am not used to it.

Last night I apologized because I had to stop during sex, and I felt terrible because it was before either of us got off. For me, with the guys I’ve been with before Cody, the goal was always to get the guy off. Also last time I said stop or wait during sex was with Owen, who raped me. So when I said stop or wait last night and Cody listened and respected it, it was different. Nice. But still, because I am not used to it, it made me feel anxious. Cody said that wasn’t the goal of sex. He said it didn’t matter that we had to stop, what mattered was that I was okay.

That is very new for me. I’ve probably written all this on here at one point already, but I am still getting used to Cody and being treated with respect. I was used to it, or getting there, but again, with it being an anniversary thing I am more…one edge…which means I tend to revert back to old habits (such as apologizing too much).

I am not sorry for all my PTSD symptoms, and I am not sorry for crying a lot because my sister ran away, but I feel bad because I know that people that care about me don’t like seeing me like that. So I am not sorry for being vulnerable and actually letting people know what’s going on, but I am sorry that it hurts those around me that care.

I just want to get through the next couple weeks without being triggered too much, because then it will be October and I will be happy and not triggered because nothing bad happened in October. The beginning of September reminds me of reporting Monster. November 7th, well that’s the anniversary of the rape with Monster. So I am just a bit nervous. Dealing with Peter (classmate who sexually assaulted me) and the time of year isn’t an issue anymore. February 26th doesn’t seem to have much of an effect now that it’s been two and a half years. I am sure when January 18th comes up I’ll be on edge since it hasn’t even been a year since Owen raped me. But I’m getting way a head of myself, but then again I like to be prepared for possible triggers.

But I am thankful for my mom and dad still being here and understanding that I get triggered. I am thankful that Quick Silver and Andy are still my friends and don’t get mad at me if I am having an off day. I am truly thankful and feel lucky to have found Cody because he seems to never give up on me, or get angry or upset at me when any of this stuff comes up. His reaction is perfect. He never makes me feel bad about breaking down or having something affect me. Because hell, if I could not let any of this stuff affect me I would do that in a heart beat! Cody never says a reproachful word to me about any of my PTSD stuff or just when I actually am crying even if it has to do with something else. I’ve never had anyone not get mad or upset or annoyed as a reaction to me crying, besides my sister. Cody makes me happy.

Cody and I have our differences, like his interest in planes, cars, and engineering. Even though I know nothing about all that, I still love to sit and listen to him talk about it. Just seeing the excitement and feeling that energy is amazing to be around. With most people I would tune out or not care, but I actually listen to him and try to understand what he is saying. Having Cody in my life has taught me a lot and I’ve made a lot of progress. I am just thankful that Cody seems to really love and care about me and is willing to go through all this stuff with me without getting angry or feeling like it’s too much. That means the world to me that he wants to be there.

XOXO Anna

Letter Of Anger

So in treatment today we all wrote letters to people we were angry at. I decided to share because I had been wanting to be able to share but was too scared until now. The response was so positive. They told me I should share what I wrote, so here it goes.

Dear Peter, fuck you. You took my first sexual experience from me.

Dear Monster, what is wrong with you? I was your girlfriend, I lost my virginity to you, and then you end up raping me? Are you fucking kidding me? You betrayed me in the worst way possible.

Dear Eric, I hate you for abandoning me. We promised no matter what, we’d always be friends. You turned into everything you never wanted to me. I’ll never understand your betrayal. Fuck you.

Dear Owen, what the hell is wrong with you? We were dating, making progress, and you rape me? What is your problem? Were you really that insecure? Seriously?

Because of you guys I left GA, my school, my old life. The Anna I once was is dead and gone. I’ve lost so much because of these trauma’s. But I’m not letting you guys win. I am going to NYC, studying psychology and criminology, and one day I’ll be putting people like you behind bars.

After I spoke that aloud, they all clapped. They said it was an empowering and inspiring letter. One girl even said I was her hero. Another said it sounded like slam poetry. So I decided to share.

XOXO Anna