Relapse?

I haven’t posted in a while due to the crazy amount of things going on. Cody’s Facebook post has caused insane amounts of blacklash as I mentioned. Cody feels like he fucked everything up. I have been verbally put down (not to my face) by 8 people. His sister and brother have said negative things, along with 3-4 friends. Then this past weekend both his parents accused me of writing and posting his post! His dad said I’m asking too much from him. I was so hurt and felt so betrayed. How could they think so lowly of me? It makes no sense. Anyways, I’m going to post this letter I’ve written to read to them.

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(I plan to say this and wait for their response)

Im in more pain than anyone should be. I love Cody and want to marry him, but all of you are making me feel like i should leave.

(Then after I will tell them I want to explain my side)

Cody lied and cheated on me for 365+ days and i stay. I think that says alot about how much i care and love him. When i met him i told him that the only two things i ask kf a friend or a boyfriend is honesty ans trust. I told him i would rather have him be honest and hurt me than lie to me and humiliate me.

I told him before he asked me to be his girlfriend about my anorexia and the triggers that i could not have in a relationship. One of them being porn. I told him many times through out the relationship that if he didnt want to help me or deal with the anorexia that he could leave, and there would be no ill will.

During our relationship i caught him with saved naked images or instagram naked images for the first three months of the relationship and i cried and broke down and told him that it was hurting me and was hurting my recovery. He told me he hadnt done anything else. He told my multiple times that he got rid of porn instagram accounts and didnt. He lied and loed and manipulated me so he could keep his secret.

Last Christmas eve i found a porn site on his phone and i was destroyed because by this time he was earning my trust back, and all that was shattered. Then after that he again tried and was actually earning my trust back until a month later when i found more porn. This time i broke down so hard because the amount of betrayals was getting too much. He promised me i knew everything at that point and wouldnt do it again.

I stayed and helped him and he came to the realization that he had a real problem. We were getting better and then i see porn on his work computer. Porn on a computer at work where my parents are in the next room. I kept my cool because my dad walked in right after i found it. I searched through  little more history with Cody begging me not to go further. I went home and sobbed my eyes out. I felt devastated and worthless. This man i love has destroyed me more than i could have imagined.

Cody was very sweet when he came home. He had a bouquet of flowers and promised i knew everything and it wouldnt happen again.

The next day I couldnt fight off the feeling of not knowing everything. Cody was really anxious about me looking through the history so i decided to check the history. I looked at the history from the day he met me and i was horrified. The whole time he was lying and on porn sites behind my back. He had promised me i knew everything but i didn’t even know half of it.

That night Cody and i both broke down and he begged me to stay and i stayed. I was hurt, betrayed, lied to, cheated on for over a year, and i stayed. I stayed because i accelted he had an addiction and saw that he wanted to stop hurting himself and myself.

It has been rocky. Given that i gave him my all during this relationship and he has lied, we have come to an agreement on how to earn trust back. He needs to be in recovery and completely honest. Given the gas lighting i can check his phone so i know he isnt lying. Its been 5 months since i found out everything and i think we are doing pretty damn well.

I love Cody and would never want to hurt him. The things i ask of him are honesty, trust, respect, and for him to pull his half for chores and relationship responsability. If thats too much then i dont know what a relationship is, so please inform me.

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So that is my letter. I honestly am baffled at how they blame the lied to and cheated on instead of the liar. I love Cody and he has an addiction. Addictions make people different than the person they really are. Cody (without actively using) is an amazing loving person. Cody (when using) is selfish and self-centered. He is not the Cody I love. So when Cody was using during our WHOLE relationship and I found out, I was broken. I’m on RebootNation and it has been the most helpful supportive place. I’ve been able to express all my feelings about this situation and have been given a lot of support and kind words through this healing.

So with all that said, with all the hate, I have fallen back into my anorexia. All I ate yesterday were two chicken tenders and coffee. Some days I’ve had a little more, but not by much.

I’ve missed school, been depressed, and was suicidal sunday night. I love Cody and am SO proud of his post, but it’s brought up a lot and has had people attack me for no reason. My professors are very understanding, and encouraged me to seek treatment. I applied to a new treatment center and am waiting to hear back from them today.

XOXO Anna

Food, Family, and Luvas

I called Renfrew today to let them know I’m not coming back. I left a voicemail so I’ll get a call later today from them asking for an explanation probably.

Also last night sucked. I asked my mom to make me pasta, and well she made dinner for everyone else but me. Cody had to make me pasta after he found me crying. I also called my sister last night, and that was bad. See when growing up my mom would often forget to feed me, especially the carb part of the dinner. And once I knew I had anorexia my sister really stood up to my mom and told her that I needed carbs as much as any other food.

So I called her and asked how she was doing but she could tell I was crying and I told her mom was being mom. I proceeded to ask again what was going on with her. She then said the only reason she answered my call was to make sure no one died in my family and hung up on me.

That’s when I really cried and Cody came over and he made me food after I told him what happened.

Today has been better. I went to therapy and talked about it. When I got home I found out that Luvas got outside and I almost had a panic attack. He has gotten outside before and will often just hide in the bushes near the door and cry until I pick him up by the scruff and put him back in, but he had gotten out while I was out. My mom and I went outside and searched around the house. He was in the backyard hiding in the bushes near the bird feeder. When he heard me calling his name he started crying and that’s how I found him.

I was so scared. I noticed when he was inside that his eye was irritated because he kept it more shut than the other. Now I am hoping that he doesn’t have an infection or something. Luvas is supposed to be an indoor cat because I know I’m not going to be living in my parents house forever with a nice yard. When Cody and I move out to an apartment Luvas won’t be able to go outside because we won’t have a yard, not until Cody and I move into a house or something which would be years down the line, so I don’t want Luvas getting used to going outside when I know he won’t be able to when Cody and I eventually move out.

I am hoping that the rest of the week isn’t too hectic. We ended up having brunch yesterday with Cody’s dad, sister, and brother. That was really nice and tomorrow Cody and me are meeting his mom for happy hour. I’m really excited about that because I really like Cody’s mom!

Hope everyone has a good week! 🙂

XOXO Anna

 

 

 

Change

I quit my job because it was keeping me from eating, and I went back to treatment this week and it was hell, and I’m not going back next week.

I would eat if they gave me foods I liked. Is it really that much to ask to sub Almonds for Honey mustard? (they both equal one fat exchange) Honestly it’s a little ridiculous that they won’t let you do that. I would have eaten the meal with minimal issues had they been able to sub that.

I don’t take well to being “force fed”. When I was younger, I had a nanny who made food I hated and I wasn’t allowed to leave the table until my plate was clean. It was pretty traumatizing for me, and being in treatment where they won’t sub something as simple as a condiment, and they force me to eat it because at that low level of treatment you’re not allowed to have ensure is bullshit.

So my mom and I looked into therapists that specialize in eating disorders. I find that the therapy groups of treatment are really beneficial but the treatment team forcing me to eat something I wouldn’t eat in my life outside of treatment is stupid. I mean, one therapist said, “What happens when you’re at a restaurant and you see a salad with craisins on it? Are you just not going to eat the craisins?”

When I told Cody this, he pretty much exploded with, “Why the fuck would you order salad with craisins on it at a restaurant if you don’t like craisins? It doesn’t make any sense.”

That’s true. Isn’t the point of treatment supposed to be getting the person to eat normally again? I am a picky eater, I admit to that. But if they gave me foods I actually like, or even a food I like in a different style that I haven’t had before I wouldn’t fight it. I would sit there and eat the meal. Sure I might have the anxiety I have, but it wouldn’t be unbearable.

I am doing okay with my eating I think. I mean, do I have the urges to restrict? Oh HELL YEAH I DO. But I haven’t been doing it so much. I mean, I’ve been trying to eat through out the day. It’s hard though. Some days it’s as if I’m fine and other days someone has to sit down with me and eat with me. These days I’ve ben using music to deal with overwhelming emotions, so that’s more positive than other things I could be doing.

I honestly hate anorexia and eating disorders in general. They can be so hard to overcome at times. I am sick of being sick. I am sick of having to have an internal battle about whether it’s okay to eat or not. I just want to eventually get to a place where I can eat normally with others and have minimal anxiety around it.

XOXO Anna

Back to Treatment

I haven’t been eating for the past two weeks except for maybe a meal a day. I’ve lost weight. My heart rate is low. I am not sure how I feel about all this.

I am super not happy about any of this. But I can’t get myself to eat. Cody had to leave work today to go get lunch with me so I would eat. Which I did, a bit, before I got nauseous. I am hungry now, but don’t want to eat.

I am so sick of this disorder.

XOXO Anna

Busy Week

Last weekend I was working my parents show which was exhausting but fun! I really actually enjoyed working the show and was sad that I would actually continue to work the show this week because I was in treatment. Speaking of treatment, my last day is tomorrow!

I am really excited yet seriously nervous. I’m not sure if I’m ready to leave, but then again that’s always how I feel when I’m about to leave. When I asked Cody he said he wasn’t sure if I was ready to leave which was like ouch, but at the same time I feel there’s validity. I still take ensure when I’m rushing or if I’m having an off night. But that’s better than not eating at all.

Cody signed up for his classes earlier this week which was nice to hear! Though, he is on probation and he needs to pass this math class or he can’t retake it again. So I really hope I can help Cody out with that class. I haven’t signed up for classes yet because they still are processing my transfer credits and then I’ll finally be able to have a school email and meet with my academic advisor and sign up for classes which start next thursday!

Also so much is happening all at once. So today I am hanging with Hannah because she got a new dog and some of the other frew girls are going to go I think, and then tonight Cody and I are going out to open mic night. Tomorrow is treatment, then hanging with a friend from high school. Then Friday is probably the dentist, then maybe shopping with the frew girls and then my friend is visiting for the weekend. So these next couple days I have a lot of social things going on, and I wonder if I have the energy to do it all.

But next week is also busy. I really need to get my hair done, and then I need to make sure I do sign up for classes and talk to an advisor, plus I want to do a couple test runs into the city to know how to get to my classes. Also Cody’s friend is having a thing on thursday night, and then his other friends have a thing on friday next week. So yeah, lots going on. I also wonder how my eating will go with this transition and with how busy my schedule is about to get.

Anxiety is a bitch.

XOXO Anna

Progress

Progress at home has been made. Little progress, but still it’s something and it makes me happy.

Cody got to my house yesterday evening and my dad and mom sat down and talked with him and Cody said that my parents told him how much they appreciated all Cody’s done for me, and my dad said, “If you leave her, I’ll shoot you.” Apparently my mom’s dad told my dad the same thing. See, if my dad said that, then that means a lot because in the past my dad didn’t care about my boyfriends. He always knew they wouldn’t last, or didn’t really care for the guy at all and just entertained me by meeting them. It’s nice to know my dad actually likes Cody.

Anyways, it’s early and I let Cody sleep in while I get cereal before we leave for multi-family group. My mom also is coming too, so that should be quite interesting. I’m a bit nervous about it, but glad she is so she will learn a thing or two.

Hoping for a good day!

XOXO Anna

Frew Girls

Today in treatment I had a pretty good day. I was invited to hang out with them later when a couple of them are going to get tattoo’s. I am pretty excited to go see that and support them. They are also having a sleepover after, which I said I couldn’t do because of family stuff tomorrow. Honestly I just am not up for sleepovers with a bunch of girls. I love them and they all rock, but I just… for me having sleepovers with girls just brings up bad memories from my days in middle school.

Today Cody was a hot topic with them which was really funny. One girl, who we’ll call Hannah, asked how the concert was and I explained it to her and she said it was sweet of him to have protected me. Some other girls asked about something that I can’t reveal on here yet, and they died a bit inside. Hannah also asked if I ever saw myself marrying Cody. I responded with what Cody has said to me before, that if in two years we’re still together and happy and stuff then yeah, I’d accept a proposal and the girls who I was talking to all just seemed floored. Hannah was so shocked at how quickly and confidently I answered, and then I began to think about it and I was shocked. I guess I just answered like that because Cody’s talked about it before and idk. Hannah was saying that if she was with a guy for five years she still wouldn’t know if she wanted to be with them. I think after five years you would get a sense of if you want to be with them or not.

But then at lunch Cody was again the topic of discussion. Other girls were asking about the concert. One girl asked how long Cody and I have been together and when I said only like two months she responded with, “I thought you guys have been together for years.” I laughed and continued talking about the concert. They also needed me to explain moshing. That was funny.

So I had a pretty good day at treatment. I am excited to join them later for the tattoo thing. If I had the money and knew exactly what I wanted, I’d get one too today…but… I wanna think about it a bit more before I do it. Plus I am sure my parents wouldn’t be too happy with it either.

Hope the day continues to go well!

XOXO Anna

Bad Body Image, Jealousy, and Self-Harm

Yesterday was a terrible body image day. I tried on shorts and couldn’t stand myself in them. I also had ice cream after me and one of the girls from treatment went for a walk. I felt bad about it later. I also just had other body image things going on.

Cody and I hung out later that day and went to open mic night. We saw his friends and hung out. I was supposed to get dinner but didn’t. I called Ethan because I was struggling with a lot. I was already feeling like crap because of my body image issues. Like I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc. Also the girl I can get jealous of was there and there were things that kinda just made the jealousy come up. Like I know that my jealousy isn’t because I’m afraid she likes him, it comes from the fear that he likes her. She likes girls, so that alone reassured me. But yeah. Stupid emotions. But because I was already having a shitty day and super low self-confidence, that’s why it got to me so bad, and that’s when I called Ethan.

I talked to him and he reassured me there was nothing to worry about and I tried to explain that I was having issues with eating. He said to just eat and I laughed telling him it’s more complicated than that, and he sure as shit knows that. He is very out of practice when it comes to helping me with my eating. But I don’t know I’m just bleh.

I’m in treatment while writing this, and we just did Body Image. I talked about my jealousy and how that affected my view of myself and my image. See, I hate jealousy. To me, being jealous is a sign of weakness, or not being good enough. To me, being jealous is fucking humiliating and I hate that feeling. That’s why I had such issues last night and I know that. I HATE admitting it, but it is important for me to admit and acknowledge. Lying does nothing good.

But I am so annoyed at myself for being jealous, I am kicking my self way harder than I should. I think that because when I was with Ethan and I did get jealous and there was a bad reaction to that, every time I do get jealous I just feel all those old feelings again. That’s also why I think talking to Ethan wasn’t as helpful, because he just doesn’t get the whole jealousy thing. He said that he also was jealous when we were together but like he never seemed to show it. I always, while with him, felt so insecure and I hated that about us. I guess last night just reminded me of a time when I felt weak and not good enough and that’s why I couldn’t eat or couldn’t bare to look at myself in the mirror without cringing or starting to hate on myself. There are days when I know I’m sexy. Then there are days like yesterday where I couldn’t stand my reflection.

***

I’m out of treatment now. I’ve been writing this post through out the day. I feel much better than when I started writing this post. I talked to one of the therapists after Body Image and talked about Cody, the jealousy, my sister, and my parents. The jealousy thing was easily settled. Then the main conversation was about my family, and how the situation with my sister has been stressing me out and making me have extremely strong self-harm urges. It’s not only just my sister, but its the whole family situation at home.

I went home to drop something off after treatment, then left to go to Starbucks to get coffee before Cody and I hang out. The family situation is so uncomfortable I rather sit in my car in the parking lot and blog instead of sitting in my room to blog. You’re probably asking why is she in her car instead of in Starbucks. To answer the question, I have like a couple minutes before heading over to get Cody so I just made my coffee and quickly pulled out my laptop.

But in all seriousness, my family needs to talk. We ALL need to sit down and talk about each of our concerns and talk about what everyone needs and is feeling. This not talking isn’t helping any of us. I know we are all stressing. My mom hates the situation between my sister and I. Same with my dad. Plus,tomorrow my dad is getting his pacemaker in. That’s another thing that’s going on, that we as a family need to be together for. We need to support each other.

***

I talked to my sister this evening, and let her know everything on my mind. I kinda cried a bit while opening up to her. I am angry because I, earlier went to my moms closet to get a safety pin from her sowing box. I didn’t. But now I did. The thing that stopped me was thinking of Quick Silver and Cody and their reaction if I did go through with the self-harm. I don’t know if I ever wrote this when I was with Eric, but he once told me he understood the urges and how it builds and sometimes you just need that release. He once told me that I was allowed to self-harm as long as he was there to make sure I didn’t hurt myself too much. Not that I would. I mean, I use a safety pin and scratch until blood is there. I don’t and wouldn’t ever use anything but a safety pin because to me I can control a safety pin and the damage. Anything else is too risky and scary. But the urge has passed. I just wish things at home would get better…

XOXO Anna

Impressed

Yesterday we had Multi-Family group at treatment. Cody went again, and I am so happy he did! The things that were mentioned in that group were things that I am glad Cody was able to be there to hear. We talked about a lot of different topics, but I am glad that certain girls mentioned some things about what it’s like in our heads and our thought processes. One girl mentioned the whole thigh gap thing. I personally wasn’t as interested in that topic because I already knew that it is genetics that allow one to have one or not, and I’ve pretty come come to accept that. What interested me was that one girl, who is awesome, mentioned what it’s like to walk down the street and pass girls.

We all agreed that we compare. We will judge. We will be mean. Our thoughts can either be of jealousy, or they can be putting the girl down. I am not proud that I think like that at times, but at the same time, we all think of other girls as competition. Competition was a huge theme that was talked about. We are all very competitive people and we talked about healthy competition versus unhealthy competition.

We also talked about the fact that all of us tend to not have girl friends because, let’s all be honest here, girls can be catty bitches at times. Girls can be ruthless and mean. I grew up living Mean Girls. There’s a reason I stay clear of girls. I don’t want to be put down. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to have to change to fit in. I rather be with a group of guys who accept me for me.

Later in the evening Cody and I went out for food. I was drinking because I wanted to. I wasn’t sure if I would remember all the sweet things that were said. Cody ended up writing what he said in a note on my phone and this is what he wrote. P.S. made names of his friends into first initial to keep anonymous:

You had such a good time with my friends while I was LARPing and I wanted you to know that that was because they aren’t just my friends. They are now your friends too. They really do like having you around and they are genuinely your friends. I know that Quick Silver and Andy would do anything for you but they are in GA, but while you’re here you have a fucking army of great friends who would always protect you for me. J, M, A, R, F, S, and all my friends you’ve met really do like you and should make you feel safe whenever you’re with them. J alone could protect you from anyone who tries anything on you. But the most important thing is that they are also you’re friends as well as mine and they really do enjoy you hanging out with them. You know that cause they asked you to hangout even though I was not there.

At Fin, we were talking about psych stuff. I was telling you how I think of you. When I think if you, your personality and who you are and your problems are two completely different and separable things. When I think of you and why I love you so much, your problems don’t even come to mind. I love you for who you are. Your problems do effect who you are but it damn well doesn’t mean that is who you are. Experience is the best teacher and with everything you’ve experienced, you have taken so much from it. That’s what makes you so strong. As much as it affects you, you look at it from a 3rd person view and take from it the lessons you need to grow. You learn from everything you’ve been through and that’s how you have become so intelligent about what’s going on and why you’re so strong. You were very impressed by the way I thought because we think in very similar ways. I explained how even though I say bad things about Ethan, I do realize that it is bad and that being this jealous of the guy who has been the best relationship you’ve had before me but how my irrationality has taken over but how I at least realize that it is happening.

How fucking sweet is this??

But yeah, it was nice to read that and for him to tell me again this morning. I’ve never had anyone in my life since college started that saw me and my problems as separate. I love that Cody sees that I am not what happened to me. That means the world. I mean, I’m sure Quick Silver and Andy didn’t think like that, but I just…Ethan and all my old friends, they for sure just saw me as my problems, at least that’s the vibe I got.

Anyways, having a good day so far. Had breakfast with Cody. I’m going to take Luvas to the vet to get his paw checked out because he won’t walk on it and then I might go hiking with one of the girls from treatment. Later Cody and I will go to open mic night and then maybe Karaoke at the bar.

Hope everyone’s having a good day 🙂

XOXO Anna

Ignorance About Treatment

I came home today and had bought a box of pasta, ice cream, and smart food. I had some ice cream because I was craving it. I mentioned to my mom I might want food later and she asked what I needed. Of course she started with “do you need string beans?” Maybe she said it innocently, but to me, it was not innocent. I finish snacking on my ice cream and I shower.

I come downstairs to blog and relax and mom mentions something about me and Cody eating out all the time. She then starts asking why Cody and I always eat together. I start getting angry. I tell her to back off and leave it alone. She won’t drop it. I tell her it’s nice to eat out with Cody. I tell her it’s easier on me, it means I don’t have to make my meals. She says she can make my dinner, and Cody can go to his house and eat dinner at his house. She asks what Cody did to eat before he met me.

There are many reasons I like to eat with Cody.

1. It’s fun
2. He is supportive, and will help me with the meal if he sees me struggling
3. I don’t have to prepare a meal (because making meals is anxiety provoking enough for me to just skip eating)

I told my mom to back off and let Cody and I eat meals together. I told her she can’t talk about my treatment or my eating since she hasn’t been apart of this round of recovery. Cody has, and dad has. Those are the only two who can make a comment on eating and what might be beneficial.

I am really annoyed at my mom. I am angry, mainly because, to me, having her say that Cody and I should eat separately, is essentially saying to me that she is taking support away from me. She is making meals harder. I know that’s not what she intends. I know that she believes that, actually I don’t know.

I’ll apologize to her for yelling, but I honestly, if she starts with talking about my meals and food again, I am walking out of the room. Cody and dad have gone to the Family groups. They have been there to eat meals with me. Not mom. Not my sister.

Well, now to enjoy a couple glasses of Proseco and pray things stay calm tonight.

XOXO Anna

Secret Letters

In my room I have one of those fake books. I have all these secret letters and notes that I’ve written over the years. I was downstairs in the kitchen with my mom, drinking a celebratory glass of Proseco, when she pulled out a note and I recognized it. It wasn’t a suicide note, per se, but a goodbye note in case anything happened to me. It’s dated 12/17/13. I remember writing it.

I thought that I’d gotten rid of all goodbye/suicide notes because Eric told me to get rid of them all because it wasn’t good to have around. I just went back to my secret book and found the second draft of the letter that my mom had found. She found the first draft, and yes I’ve written multiple drafts before to get it right. I mean, if I was writing a goodbye letter I had to make sure I didn’t leave anything out.

Reading it makes me sad. I wrote to my sister, “What can I say…Thank you. Thank you for being there when no one else was. You are the reason I keep going. So thank you for being so un-judgmental and loving. I couldn’t have asked for a better sister. I love you with ever fiber in my bone.”

I wrote this letter before I admitted what Monster had done to me and it makes me sad to see what I wrote to him. To know that I was trying so hard to stay in denial really makes me sad.

I did get rid of the suicide letters for sure. But then again, there is a suicide letter on my computer. It was written for a class assignment. I originally wrote it when things were really bad with Ethan over the past year. I changed things of course and made it fictional for my assignment but it was inspired from true feelings. My teacher loved that I chose to write a letter for the word count. We could only write up to 500 words and a letter was a good way to meet that requirement he said.

Looking through my secret letters it’s kind of funny. Some are about how frustrated I was with Ethan during our relationship. I swear there are so many “fucks” in the letter I can’t believe I got a sentence out. I also found a note that I wrote when Ethan and I were first getting together and all my worries and Ethan’s friend Dean (who I’ve mentioned before, and that we have a rocky history) helped me that night to fight my irrational thoughts.

I also found a note from my first kiss! It’s dated November 29th, 2008. Reading it was really funny to see how nervous I was. I remember my first kiss and I am so annoyed with it. I wish I hadn’t been so nervous or just wish it hadn’t been on a dare in front of everyone. I really liked this guy too, but I didn’t want him to know. Then I had to kiss one of the other guys that night, that I had had a crush on in the past, and I described it as kissing a stuffed animal. It’s cute to read some of these notes and see the innocence I used to have.

I also found a note to this guy I met in Australia. We still Skype every couple of months, which is awesome. It’s been like five years and we still talk! Speaking of which, I need to Skype him soon so I can update him on all of the things that have happened!

In all honesty, I kind of wish I didn’t throw those suicide notes away. It expressed all my pain once I realized what Monster did to me. I do have my journals though, and damn. I’ve tried to go back and read those and it’s really hard. I mean, I am a very sentimental person and also with the PTSD and trauma my memory isn’t too sharp. I like to occasionally refresh my memory of how I felt or what I was going through.

I might just skim through my journals… I kind of want to know what I wrote about Monster once I realized what he had done.

XOXO Anna

Crazy Couple of Days

On Monday my dad was in the hospital. His heart stopped during a stress test and he needs a pacemaker which was the best outcome after all the tests. I’m just glad my dad’s okay and will be getting the pacemaker in the next week. In my treatment center, my therapist is leaving. That was rough, and on monday in treatment when we went for a walk, I saw a car like Owens in the parking lot so that was not fun.

Yesterday was pretty chill but a bit stressful still. Cody got drunk at the bar we go to and I was tipsy myself and I ended up driving us back to his house. We fell asleep but he was feeling sick and puked a little. I felt so bad for him, and he said he hasn’t been drunk in a long time.

Today has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. Morning started off with my family talking to me about something, but the misunderstanding was quickly settled. I then met up with Cody at the coffee shop we go to, and well…things were not the best. We were talking about things and my past came up with Andy and that made things tense a bit. Cody was very jealous. I had a conversation I had with Andy screen shotted in my photos and Cody found it and was reading it and I had to explain the context and everything. Then we talked about ex’s and other past things and I told Cody that I wasn’t going to be the type of person to forget a name of someone I’ve done something with and he was like what do you mean, and I said I keep track. I said I had a list on my phone, and I swear he has never grabbed my phone so quickly.

My list is kinda long but not… like the list isn’t just people I’ve had sex with. The list contains people I’ve simply kissed or made out with. Cody looked and scrolled through the list and looked back at me with a face that said, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

I am not proud of my past and his expression just kinda made me feel very slutty. I am by no means a slut. Most people I know have slept with double the amount I’ve slept with and had triple the amount of hook ups. So I am not a slut. I am very particular about who I sleep with or do things with.

Cody and I smoothed things over but still, I was sad that Cody got so upset by my past. Wasn’t a good feeling. But again, we are good.

I then went to NYC to do the application process, and I sat down, showed my transcripts and high school diploma and she went to make copies and came back and my mom asked how long it would take to know if I got in and she replied with, “Oh, you’re already in. You have the grades. You just have to fill out the application and send me a confirmation that you’ve paid the fee and in three weeks you will be meeting with your advisor to sign up for classes.”

I am so fucking happy about that! I got in! I am going to NYC! Super fucking psyched!

I get home and my sister is in the kitchen and we actually talk. She claims I don’t love her. That is totally false. I would take a bullet for her. My dad said that as a family we would all talk about it. But tonight we are going to be going out to celebrate the fact that I got into the school I wanted to go to!

Hope everyone out there is having a good day!

XOXO Anna

Multi Family Group

In treatment, tuesday is the day to bring loved ones. Family, friends, partners. Lots of people yesterday brought people and had people who came to support them. It was strange for me to go to Multi-Family Group alone. I just hope next week someone will be free to come. Even my therapist outside of treatment said it would be good for me to know I have someone. Logically, I know my support system, but in treatment, they said that sometimes just having someone show up can make a difference.

XOXO Anna

Treatment Day 2

Today was much better than yesterday. I am so fucking happy that I was able to eat this mornings breakfast. It was egg and cheese on an english muffin. I don’t like egg, but I got it down. I finished it! Then groups were good throughout the day. Lunch was an easy meal because I like caesar salad but I forgot they put a roll of bread with it. The size of the salad seemed daunting, but I ended up eating everything.

I just got home because I had a doctors appointment and I was planning on napping but the cleaners are here so I can’t. I am seriously exhausted.

Oh! Funny moment in treatment today was that when we all sat down for lunch, one girl sitting across the table was like, “Is that what I think it is Anna?” She was referring to the lightest most least noticeable hickey I’ve ever gotten. I was embarrassed and she said she noticed it when she first came in this morning. Everyone was looking at me and I guess I went red because they were joking about my reaction. They assured me they’ve had worse and it wasn’t a big deal. See, last night I made Cody stop kissing my neck because I wasn’t sure what the girls would think if I had a hickey. I love having my neck kissed and I love hickeys too, so it took a lot of self control to tell Cody to stop, but now that they didn’t mind it or think less of me because of it, I won’t tell Cody to stop next time.

Anyways, having a good day so far. I still have to have a snack before dinner which sucks…and then I have to eat dinner… Why do you have to eat three times a day? It’s just hard because I have to face food three times a day plus when I have a snack. Like damn. I guess I’ll go see if I can make that snack now… and then pray that I can get a nap in!

XOXO Anna

Made Dinner

It’s chicken noodle soup. Should be easy. It’s not. Fuck treatment. Fuck Eating. I’m angry, I’ve identified that emotion I was numbing. It’s pure anger and frustration. Damn body image issues, damn fucking refeeding syndrome, fuck it all. My parents aren’t here, I made dinner myself. I don’t know where my sister is, and I don’t want to ask her for help. I pray I actually finish this because I don’t want to go to treatment tomorrow feeling like a complete fucking failure.

XOXO Anna

Three Words, Eight Letters

The title refers to Gossip Girl’s Blair and Chuck. I love you. Three words, eight letters.

Last night, Cody came over and hung out after we went to the beach with his friends, and while watching Short Term 12 (amazing movie by the way, check it out) we talked feelings. I showed him my posts from yesterday, he actually found my blog. He found my blog. I told him now that he does have full access and not the restricted access I did give him, that if he reads any of my posts, like older ones, that he tells me so we can discuss it. This blog is the equivalent to a closet, and the posts are the skeletons. That’s why this is an anonymous blog.

As we talked feelings, over the past couple days he had been hinting. He had said phrases like, “I think I can fall for you” and stuff. Well, last night he said those three words, eight letters to me. “I love you. I’m in love with you Anna.”

My reaction was disbelief, since I am the queen of denial and not letting myself be happy. I was also shocked but under the surface of a possibly faceless expression I was happy. He also said that he had felt that way for a couple days, but didn’t want to say it too soon. I honestly can’t believe it. Again, feels too good to be true. He said it again today when I dropped off his phone at work when I was leaving.

I understand how big a step it is for someone to say those three words, eight letters. I told him, and took a huge fucking leap of faith here, that “I’m definitely falling for you.” I also explained all the reasons I knew I was falling. So here it goes, I admit I’m falling. Ain’t that just fucking great? haha yeah… I guess it might be time for me to break that vow I made to myself.

I, Anna, will allow myself to fall in love again. I allow myself to tell someone I love them when I feel it.

There, a new vow’s been made. I can’t wait for the day when I can actually say it.

Today was also my first day back at treatment. It’s strange. Things have changed. There’s a new nutritionist, who I really like because of how accommodating she is. My favorite therapist is gone and that makes me sad. She did this group on body image one day about Barbie. I honestly loved that group. The girls this time are really nice. I really like them all. I even talked today in group. In Body Image we talked self esteem and positive self esteem and relationships. I admitted what Cody had said to me, I admitted other things that I was feeling and going through with my self esteem. They related. I felt like I wasn’t alone. It was nice.

By the way, I apologize if this post seems very emotionally detached. This morning when writing down emotions before breakfast, I wrote, “Detached-Numb-Anxious”. I also am having issues with eating and pain. I think its gas or abdominal pain but it’s bad. I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow about it. Anyways, I did eat all my breakfast, and couldn’t get through lunch because of the pain.

As I stated earlier, I then dropped Cody’s phone off at work for him and he said those three words, eight letters. It was nice to hear. In treatment, I explained my feelings on it. I talked about how I don’t trust it. Notice my language there, it not him. I don’t trust the feeling not the person. I trust the person. I just…I’ve never been (romantically) loved. It’s hard for me to believe after all the fucked up crap I’ve gone through. But this summer, with therapy, and meeting Cody I’ve made a lot of progress. More than I ever thought I could.

One thing Cody said that meant the world to me was that he saw how strong I was. He thinks I’m strong. I like that. I don’t want to disappoint him. I told him I have my weak moments though. I warned him about my hypomanic-depressive shit. And I’ve been neutral to hypomanic since I met Cody. I was wondering when it would all come crashing down. Well, it did today. I was supposed to have my friends over tonight but they all cancelled, which triggered my depression. I’m definitely in a sad/depressed mood, but also numb and half detached at the same time. I hate this state, it’s uncomfortable. It makes me feel like a completely different person. I don’t feel like Anna. I feel like someone else. I am a person who feels things strongly so when I become this sad numb person it is so out of character.

I also really want to cry. I also want to smash my baseball bat against the mattress in the attic but I don’t have the energy for that. I also can’t cry. I hate when I get this way. It’s like I’m sad, and I want to feel but I can’t. Like I am listening to my Sad/Suicial/Mad playlist and I am still not crying or feeling what I know I am feeling deep down, I just won’t let myself. I hate that.

I’m supposed to hang with Cody later and go to his best friends girlfriends house for a bonfire or something. I said I would go, but my mood is taking it’s toll on me. Plus I haven’t eaten dinner…I have to fucking stupidly eat dinner. I can’t skip. I need the nutritionist to see I am trying. I need to be on her good side so when tough meals come along she will be more lenient. I feel fucked.

First day always was the hardest for me. Plus my stomach pains are still half way there and I don’t want to eat if it means I’m going to be in pain again. I am so angry at the situation. I feel like I have no control, which in turn, makes me restrict so I have a sense of control. Trust me I psychoanalyze myself all the fucking time. I know what to do, I know what I am doing, and I know to kick my ass when I have the energy and confidence to do so.

But as I said, I’m having a weak day. I am having a low day. I am having a day that I wouldn’t want Cody to know about or to witness. He says those three words, eight letters to me, but he hasn’t seen me in this depressed state. Fear. That emotion has been a constant emotion I’ve been dealing with lately. Rationally I know how fucking irrational it is to think that just because a person has a bad day it means people bail. I know. But emotionally I can’t get over the irrational fear.

Hoping that my mood switches before Cody gets here…

XOXO Anna

Movie Date, Family Drama, and Anorexia

I’m going to start off by discussing what happened during the day before Cody and I went out on a date. This could potentially be a longer post than normal. So for those of you who’ve read my past posts you know that my family right now is not at its best. My parents have their Dallas show coming up and my sister ….well no one knows why my sister is angry at all of us. Yes, all of us, not just me anymore.

Last night I thought we were all going to be having the family talk that has been needed. But mom got annoyed at me and dad and mom started fighting and mom said I was the reason my dad and her fought and I got in between them. That hurt. It also hurt that when talking about Cody and my past and everything she was like “we are the ones who have to pick up all the pieces” aka meaning I’m a burden. That just made me super angry. I also can’t stand yelling, hearing two people scream at each other makes me very nervous. I just grabbed my car keys and booked it out of the house and went to the graveyard near my house.

I am not sure if I’ve mentioned that I go to the graveyard when things get tough but I do. Most people go to church and pray to a God they believe in. I go to a graveyard and hope that their are lingering souls who’ve maybe gone through similar struggles. I go there, drive through the graveyard and talk. Yesterday I talked about all the stress I’m going through and I kinda cried at the graveyard. I haven’t gone there and cried in a long time.

When I got home I sat down in the TV room with dad and we started talking and Cody came up and he misunderstood what I was saying and we got in a fight. I sadly have to say I was so overwhelmed I went to the fridge grabbed a tall glass and started pouring my dad’s vodka in it. Mom told me to stop and I yelled at her to back off and my dad yelled at me and then I said that I just wanted to drink myself to death and ran upstairs and put on my mad/sad/suicidal playlist and cried in my room.

You guys must be wondering why I was so emotional? Well, I had therapy yesterday and did EMDR on Owen. That was extremely painful. I cried throughout each set. I guess it wasn’t as bad as the first time I did EMDR for Owen, but damn. In therapy we talked about Cody too, and comparing how he treats me to all the over guys I’ve been with and how fucking different it is. I never really knew just how fucking controlling Eric was or how ridiculous some of the other guys behaviors until I saw what I was supposed to be treated like.

Anyways, so my dad came upstairs and I turned my music off and I cried and tried explaining to him that I am making progress and it’s hard and it’s really hard when I am trying so hard and everyone is against it. My dad assured me I was loved, not a burden, and that I was strong. I know I’m strong. If you’ve been reading my posts for a while, you guys know the battles I’ve gone through.

So then I go out with Cody. We had a lot of fun watching Jurassic World. I liked the movie. Then we went back to his place and we made out and fooled around a bit and I went home. I was supposed to take my sister to her first photography class this morning but because she is so pissed at me and my dad she didn’t go. My dads mad because he, as he said, “just pissed away $380” on a summer class.

Then this morning I woke up and my mom called to let me know I’m going to the doctors today…meaning getting my blood drawn. I have to go alone which sucks but I’ll survive. Then later today we are going to be having that family talk so I’m really nervous about that. I don’t want to be verbally attacked. I hate fighting. I hate conflict. I do whatever I can to avoid it.

Also I’ve been body checking like crazy. Like this morning before going into the shower I looked in the mirror, examining myself trying to see any change. Of course I see one. A “good” one. I know how bad anorexia is. I know that I’ve ben strong with it and have done my best to keep eating but damn! Because I have been really actually legitimately restricting for the past week or so, I feel like I can’t stop. I know not eating is not the solution to numb out all the crazy emotions going on right now, and nor is drinking or any other bad behavior, but not eating just feels so good.

It’s funny though, just a couple days ago I told my mom that it had been so long since I’ve been really into my anorexia that I couldn’t remember how I originally did it because it really sucked. At first I was nauseous, and now, I am sitting here writing this post, knowing I’m hungry. I’m not nauseous and I know I should eat, but because I’ve gotten used to not eating it is like ten times harder to kick my ass and get food.

Confession, I miss being able to see my ribs stick out, my pelvis bones stick out, and just having my stomach be “inverted” as Ethan and Serena have told me at times. I just told Serena I was going back and she was like, “fun”. Jesus, I don’t know what’s going on between us but we still are not okay. Like dammit! Whatever, we will solve it…eventually.

Praying that everything works itself out!

XOXO Anna

First Date and Treatment

Though Cody and I couldn’t go to a movie we still hung out. We originally met up at a bar because he wanted a couple drinks after work and then we went to the coffee shop and got coffee. I didn’t have anything even though Cody was telling me he would get me anything. We talked more about my eating disorder and it’s really sweet of him to want to help me but I told him it’s not his job. He still responded with he felt bad and wanted to do whatever he could. I’ve learned a lot through having an eating disorder while seeing someone.

Back when I first realized I had anorexia Ethan wanted to help me with my disorder. He said the one thing that would make him happy was either helping me or curing me of my disorder. It wasn’t until later that I realized how unhealthy that was. His happiness relying upon how well or sick I was.

I appreciate that Cody says he wants to help, and he even said that he knows nothing about psychology or anything which makes him feel like he doesn’t know at all how to help. I thanked him and tried to make it clear that my anorexia was my issue to resolve. I did try to explain the disorder a bit more, like that sometimes I’ll look in a mirror and I won’t see what everyone else see’s, or that I hate shopping because my weight will change on whether I am eating or not.

Cody then said we had time to go bowling instead of a movie that way we would still have our first date. I totally jumped at that idea. Bowling was so much fun. The first game I totally kicked his ass! I’m quite competitive and I got a score of 94 and he got a score of 33. Then the second game he kinda kicked my ass, I got a score of 66 and he got a score of 93. And while we played he kissed me! In public! It was such a high. Then he had to go to his work meeting and he asked to hang out after his meeting. I just told him I couldn’t be out too late.

So I got home and had my mom make me dinner. I also sat down with my parents and said I needed to go back to Renfrew. They said okay, obviously. After I ate dinner which took like an hour to eat, Cody got out of work and came over to watch Dexter.

We also made out while watching it which was nice. I was so tired. Like, you know when you’re so tired you feel like your drunk or wasted? I was that tired. We went up to my room and we made out and part of me wanted him to stay over but part of me knew better. Cody said he shouldn’t stay you know didn’t want it to be too much. I agreed though. That also scared me, that I wanted him to stay. I mean, yeah I was having a rough day with Owen thoughts and really wanted comfort but the fact that I wanted comfort from someone else scared me. It scared me that I trusted Cody or liked him enough to believe that he could comfort me.

This morning I called Renfrew and I have an assessment on monday. Cody texted me and we’ve been texting today. I am crazy exhausted though, so I’m probably going to take a nap later and Cody said he would call me so I wouldn’t sleep the day away. That’s sweet of him.

I just hope I can get the eating or -lack there of- under control. I know there are reasons why I don’t wanna eat, like Owen and having to do EMDR, and Cody because I do like him and that scares me, and nerves about going to a new school and whether I’ll fit in or not.

XOXO Anna

Back On Track!

So last week I totally started restricting. On purpose too. So my family and I talked about going back to treatment. I personally do not want to go back to treatment. I think I can handle getting back on track by myself since I’ve been to treatment twice. So I made a deal with my dad that if I could go two weeks eating normally then I wouldn’t have to go back to treatment, as long as I continued to obviously eat healthy and don’t over do the exercise. I am trying to get in 30 minutes a day of exercise on the treadmill.

So I came up with this plan to write down the meals I would be eating for the week. So far it’s been a good system. I’m going on day three of this system. The main reasons I started this board was because:

1. I don’t want to go back to treatment
2. I think I am strong enough to follow the board
3. One day, when restricting, I went on the treadmill and after only eight minutes I almost puked and passed out which scared me.

I also am trying to have a high protein/veggie/fruit meal plan because in the past I’ve lacked on those foods. As I learned in treatment, “everything is healthy in balance.”

So the picture above is what I’ve eaten and plan to eat for the rest of this weekend. Of course I didn’t write down snacks on the board because I left those “open” so I can feel free to choose whatever I might be in the mood for. Other than that or if something says “open” on the board I follow what I’ve written down. It’s also been helpful because my sister is following the board too, except since she is vegetarian she eats a vegetarian protein option instead of chicken. I am really thankful she is doing this with me because it makes it easier to follow when there’s someone else doing it with you.

Anyways hope you all are having a great weekend! I know I am 🙂

XOXO Anna

Struggling

I’ve been struggling with my anorexia a bit for the past couple weeks, and last night I had a really bad night. Terrible body image as of late which makes it a huge struggle to eat…I have been eating but probably not enough. Okay, not even probably, I haven’t been.

I finally got my parents attention and told them how much I was struggling and why.It’s a mix of things. I am struggling because of:

A) EMDR

B) Going to florida in the fall where everyone looks perfect 

C) not having a schedule.

So I told my mom that I need to start working on making a schedule that I can stick to. She woke me up at 10 this morning and I feel very tired right now, although I am so glad she woke me up because someone in my dream dumped a bucket of spiders on me. So I am very happy I woke up from that terrible dream 😛

Last time I did EMDR I was in treatment for my anorexia for the first time. That was over a year ago. So I guess I didn’t anticipate how hard the EMDR would be without being in a treatment setting for the eating disorder. Also I want to go to a gym. Don’t freak out on me, I know I have to tread carefully. I am going to go to a gym twice a week and do a specific workout with a trainer, that way I can’t overdo it.

As I’ve stated before, I logically know I am not not pretty, but because in Florida all of the girls and guys are oh so fit and oh so perfect I feel like I can’t even compare. That feeling has definitely led me to restrict a bit. But that stops here. I will do my best to not restrict, have a healthy amount of exercise and keep my mind positive.

My sister will be home next week which means that the eating thing will be easier. I’ll have someone else who’s eating with me. I’ll have someone to go out with, etc.

XOXO Anna