Relapse?

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I haven’t posted in a while due to the crazy amount of things going on. Cody’s Facebook post has caused insane amounts of blacklash as I mentioned. Cody feels like he fucked everything up. I have been verbally put down (not to my face) by 8 people. His sister and brother have said negative things, along with 3-4 friends. Then this past weekend both his parents accused me of writing and posting his post! His dad said I’m asking too much from him. I was so hurt and felt so betrayed. How could they think so lowly of me? It makes no sense. Anyways, I’m going to post this letter I’ve written to read to them.

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(I plan to say this and wait for their response)

Im in more pain than anyone should be. I love Cody and want to marry him, but all of you are making me feel like i should leave.

(Then after I will tell them I want to explain my side)

Cody lied and cheated on me for 365+ days and i stay. I think that says alot about how much i care and love him. When i met him i told him that the only two things i ask kf a friend or a boyfriend is honesty ans trust. I told him i would rather have him be honest and hurt me than lie to me and humiliate me.

I told him before he asked me to be his girlfriend about my anorexia and the triggers that i could not have in a relationship. One of them being porn. I told him many times through out the relationship that if he didnt want to help me or deal with the anorexia that he could leave, and there would be no ill will.

During our relationship i caught him with saved naked images or instagram naked images for the first three months of the relationship and i cried and broke down and told him that it was hurting me and was hurting my recovery. He told me he hadnt done anything else. He told my multiple times that he got rid of porn instagram accounts and didnt. He lied and loed and manipulated me so he could keep his secret.

Last Christmas eve i found a porn site on his phone and i was destroyed because by this time he was earning my trust back, and all that was shattered. Then after that he again tried and was actually earning my trust back until a month later when i found more porn. This time i broke down so hard because the amount of betrayals was getting too much. He promised me i knew everything at that point and wouldnt do it again.

I stayed and helped him and he came to the realization that he had a real problem. We were getting better and then i see porn on his work computer. Porn on a computer at work where my parents are in the next room. I kept my cool because my dad walked in right after i found it. I searched through  little more history with Cody begging me not to go further. I went home and sobbed my eyes out. I felt devastated and worthless. This man i love has destroyed me more than i could have imagined.

Cody was very sweet when he came home. He had a bouquet of flowers and promised i knew everything and it wouldnt happen again.

The next day I couldnt fight off the feeling of not knowing everything. Cody was really anxious about me looking through the history so i decided to check the history. I looked at the history from the day he met me and i was horrified. The whole time he was lying and on porn sites behind my back. He had promised me i knew everything but i didn’t even know half of it.

That night Cody and i both broke down and he begged me to stay and i stayed. I was hurt, betrayed, lied to, cheated on for over a year, and i stayed. I stayed because i accelted he had an addiction and saw that he wanted to stop hurting himself and myself.

It has been rocky. Given that i gave him my all during this relationship and he has lied, we have come to an agreement on how to earn trust back. He needs to be in recovery and completely honest. Given the gas lighting i can check his phone so i know he isnt lying. Its been 5 months since i found out everything and i think we are doing pretty damn well.

I love Cody and would never want to hurt him. The things i ask of him are honesty, trust, respect, and for him to pull his half for chores and relationship responsability. If thats too much then i dont know what a relationship is, so please inform me.


 

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So that is my letter. I honestly am baffled at how they blame the lied to and cheated on instead of the liar. I love Cody and he has an addiction. Addictions make people different than the person they really are. Cody (without actively using) is an amazing loving person. Cody (when using) is selfish and self-centered. He is not the Cody I love. So when Cody was using during our WHOLE relationship and I found out, I was broken. I’m on RebootNation and it has been the most helpful supportive place. I’ve been able to express all my feelings about this situation and have been given a lot of support and kind words through this healing.

So with all that said, with all the hate, I have fallen back into my anorexia. All I ate yesterday were two chicken tenders and coffee. Some days I’ve had a little more, but not by much.

I’ve missed school, been depressed, and was suicidal sunday night. I love Cody and am SO proud of his post, but it’s brought up a lot and has had people attack me for no reason. My professors are very understanding, and encouraged me to seek treatment. I applied to a new treatment center and am waiting to hear back from them today.

XOXO Anna

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Food, Family, and Luvas

I called Renfrew today to let them know I’m not coming back. I left a voicemail so I’ll get a call later today from them asking for an explanation probably.

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Also last night sucked. I asked my mom to make me pasta, and well she made dinner for everyone else but me. Cody had to make me pasta after he found me crying. I also called my sister last night, and that was bad. See when growing up my mom would often forget to feed me, especially the carb part of the dinner. And once I knew I had anorexia my sister really stood up to my mom and told her that I needed carbs as much as any other food.

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So I called her and asked how she was doing but she could tell I was crying and I told her mom was being mom. I proceeded to ask again what was going on with her. She then said the only reason she answered my call was to make sure no one died in my family and hung up on me.

That’s when I really cried and Cody came over and he made me food after I told him what happened.

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Today has been better. I went to therapy and talked about it. When I got home I found out that Luvas got outside and I almost had a panic attack. He has gotten outside before and will often just hide in the bushes near the door and cry until I pick him up by the scruff and put him back in, but he had gotten out while I was out. My mom and I went outside and searched around the house. He was in the backyard hiding in the bushes near the bird feeder. When he heard me calling his name he started crying and that’s how I found him.

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I was so scared. I noticed when he was inside that his eye was irritated because he kept it more shut than the other. Now I am hoping that he doesn’t have an infection or something. Luvas is supposed to be an indoor cat because I know I’m not going to be living in my parents house forever with a nice yard. When Cody and I move out to an apartment Luvas won’t be able to go outside because we won’t have a yard, not until Cody and I move into a house or something which would be years down the line, so I don’t want Luvas getting used to going outside when I know he won’t be able to when Cody and I eventually move out.

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I am hoping that the rest of the week isn’t too hectic. We ended up having brunch yesterday with Cody’s dad, sister, and brother. That was really nice and tomorrow Cody and me are meeting his mom for happy hour. I’m really excited about that because I really like Cody’s mom!

Hope everyone has a good week! 🙂

XOXO Anna

 

 

 

Change

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I quit my job because it was keeping me from eating, and I went back to treatment this week and it was hell, and I’m not going back next week.

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I would eat if they gave me foods I liked. Is it really that much to ask to sub Almonds for Honey mustard? (they both equal one fat exchange) Honestly it’s a little ridiculous that they won’t let you do that. I would have eaten the meal with minimal issues had they been able to sub that.

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I don’t take well to being “force fed”. When I was younger, I had a nanny who made food I hated and I wasn’t allowed to leave the table until my plate was clean. It was pretty traumatizing for me, and being in treatment where they won’t sub something as simple as a condiment, and they force me to eat it because at that low level of treatment you’re not allowed to have ensure is bullshit.

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So my mom and I looked into therapists that specialize in eating disorders. I find that the therapy groups of treatment are really beneficial but the treatment team forcing me to eat something I wouldn’t eat in my life outside of treatment is stupid. I mean, one therapist said, “What happens when you’re at a restaurant and you see a salad with craisins on it? Are you just not going to eat the craisins?”

When I told Cody this, he pretty much exploded with, “Why the fuck would you order salad with craisins on it at a restaurant if you don’t like craisins? It doesn’t make any sense.”

That’s true. Isn’t the point of treatment supposed to be getting the person to eat normally again? I am a picky eater, I admit to that. But if they gave me foods I actually like, or even a food I like in a different style that I haven’t had before I wouldn’t fight it. I would sit there and eat the meal. Sure I might have the anxiety I have, but it wouldn’t be unbearable.

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I am doing okay with my eating I think. I mean, do I have the urges to restrict? Oh HELL YEAH I DO. But I haven’t been doing it so much. I mean, I’ve been trying to eat through out the day. It’s hard though. Some days it’s as if I’m fine and other days someone has to sit down with me and eat with me. These days I’ve ben using music to deal with overwhelming emotions, so that’s more positive than other things I could be doing.

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I honestly hate anorexia and eating disorders in general. They can be so hard to overcome at times. I am sick of being sick. I am sick of having to have an internal battle about whether it’s okay to eat or not. I just want to eventually get to a place where I can eat normally with others and have minimal anxiety around it.

XOXO Anna

Back to Treatment

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I haven’t been eating for the past two weeks except for maybe a meal a day. I’ve lost weight. My heart rate is low. I am not sure how I feel about all this.

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I am super not happy about any of this. But I can’t get myself to eat. Cody had to leave work today to go get lunch with me so I would eat. Which I did, a bit, before I got nauseous. I am hungry now, but don’t want to eat.

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I am so sick of this disorder.

XOXO Anna

Busy Week

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Last weekend I was working my parents show which was exhausting but fun! I really actually enjoyed working the show and was sad that I would actually continue to work the show this week because I was in treatment. Speaking of treatment, my last day is tomorrow!

I am really excited yet seriously nervous. I’m not sure if I’m ready to leave, but then again that’s always how I feel when I’m about to leave. When I asked Cody he said he wasn’t sure if I was ready to leave which was like ouch, but at the same time I feel there’s validity. I still take ensure when I’m rushing or if I’m having an off night. But that’s better than not eating at all.

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Cody signed up for his classes earlier this week which was nice to hear! Though, he is on probation and he needs to pass this math class or he can’t retake it again. So I really hope I can help Cody out with that class. I haven’t signed up for classes yet because they still are processing my transfer credits and then I’ll finally be able to have a school email and meet with my academic advisor and sign up for classes which start next thursday!

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Also so much is happening all at once. So today I am hanging with Hannah because she got a new dog and some of the other frew girls are going to go I think, and then tonight Cody and I are going out to open mic night. Tomorrow is treatment, then hanging with a friend from high school. Then Friday is probably the dentist, then maybe shopping with the frew girls and then my friend is visiting for the weekend. So these next couple days I have a lot of social things going on, and I wonder if I have the energy to do it all.

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But next week is also busy. I really need to get my hair done, and then I need to make sure I do sign up for classes and talk to an advisor, plus I want to do a couple test runs into the city to know how to get to my classes. Also Cody’s friend is having a thing on thursday night, and then his other friends have a thing on friday next week. So yeah, lots going on. I also wonder how my eating will go with this transition and with how busy my schedule is about to get.

Anxiety is a bitch.

XOXO Anna

Progress

Progress at home has been made. Little progress, but still it’s something and it makes me happy.

Cody got to my house yesterday evening and my dad and mom sat down and talked with him and Cody said that my parents told him how much they appreciated all Cody’s done for me, and my dad said, “If you leave her, I’ll shoot you.” Apparently my mom’s dad told my dad the same thing. See, if my dad said that, then that means a lot because in the past my dad didn’t care about my boyfriends. He always knew they wouldn’t last, or didn’t really care for the guy at all and just entertained me by meeting them. It’s nice to know my dad actually likes Cody.

Anyways, it’s early and I let Cody sleep in while I get cereal before we leave for multi-family group. My mom also is coming too, so that should be quite interesting. I’m a bit nervous about it, but glad she is so she will learn a thing or two.

Hoping for a good day!

XOXO Anna

Frew Girls

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Today in treatment I had a pretty good day. I was invited to hang out with them later when a couple of them are going to get tattoo’s. I am pretty excited to go see that and support them. They are also having a sleepover after, which I said I couldn’t do because of family stuff tomorrow. Honestly I just am not up for sleepovers with a bunch of girls. I love them and they all rock, but I just… for me having sleepovers with girls just brings up bad memories from my days in middle school.

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Today Cody was a hot topic with them which was really funny. One girl, who we’ll call Hannah, asked how the concert was and I explained it to her and she said it was sweet of him to have protected me. Some other girls asked about something that I can’t reveal on here yet, and they died a bit inside. Hannah also asked if I ever saw myself marrying Cody. I responded with what Cody has said to me before, that if in two years we’re still together and happy and stuff then yeah, I’d accept a proposal and the girls who I was talking to all just seemed floored. Hannah was so shocked at how quickly and confidently I answered, and then I began to think about it and I was shocked. I guess I just answered like that because Cody’s talked about it before and idk. Hannah was saying that if she was with a guy for five years she still wouldn’t know if she wanted to be with them. I think after five years you would get a sense of if you want to be with them or not.

But then at lunch Cody was again the topic of discussion. Other girls were asking about the concert. One girl asked how long Cody and I have been together and when I said only like two months she responded with, “I thought you guys have been together for years.” I laughed and continued talking about the concert. They also needed me to explain moshing. That was funny.

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So I had a pretty good day at treatment. I am excited to join them later for the tattoo thing. If I had the money and knew exactly what I wanted, I’d get one too today…but… I wanna think about it a bit more before I do it. Plus I am sure my parents wouldn’t be too happy with it either.

Hope the day continues to go well!

XOXO Anna