One Month

Today marks one month of Cody being honest with me about his addiction. He has done really well with calling me if he feels an uncomfortable emotion, and notifying me of when he gets to work and leaves. I’m proud of him for the progress he has made.

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At the same time of me being proud, I also wonder about how serious he takes all this. We had a fight and talk last night of him not being able to take anything in his life seriously. I had gotten fed up with Cody because he wasn’t getting what I was talking about and I broke down and he got upset, and I told him everything he probably didn’t want to hear. He has lived in denial about his childhood. His parents divorced when he was about 11. He claims he had the best childhood with loving parents and made it seem like a perfect dream. Yet of course, I knew better than to believe that when we first had that conversation within the first month of our relationship, but I wasn’t going to burst his bubble. Instead, I would bring up that topic from time to time and ask how the divorce affected him. There are other personal details about his parents that I won’t reveal out of respect but there was a lot of…not the best environment to be growing up in.

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So last night I was done with him living in a fantasy world. I gave him tough love and spelled out exactly how the divorce and other not healthy situations must have made him feel as a child. No child wants an unstable living environment growing up. No child wants to be the messenger boy between parents. I got him to realize that he needs to look at his childhood more. He has always mentioned 4th grade when talking about his childhood, which is when his parents divorced. That is when he noticed or remembers that he stopped doing homework and became lazy.

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Cody came to the conclusion that he is lazy and doesn’t put effort into every area of his life because he doesn’t care about himself he said. That was very sad and powerful to hear. I know that I came to the realization that my childhood wasn’t perfect and I saw my parents as people instead of heroes on a pedestal years ago, so Cody is catching up with that. With my own addictions (anorexia, self-harm, drinking) I relayed I didn’t care about myself, or if I did, it was so minimally. But through my recovery I’ve learned to really appreciate myself, and love parts of myself. I am no where near close to fully loving and accepting every part of me, but I’ve made a lot of progress through the years. Now it’s time for Cody to embark on his own journey of self-discovery, with a therapist to help him.

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This whole conversation happened because he didn’t work on recovery yesterday which was a huge disappointment to me. He didn’t make an account on Rebootnation, which is helpful, and he didn’t finish watching this video I sent him about porn and how bad it is from an ex-porn star Shelley Lubben. It was a very powerful video to watch, and I will link it here. It’s really worth the watch, it really opened my eyes up to some things I didn’t even know. We also didn’t have sex either which was mentioned that it might happen. Cody got in the shower alone after parkour…earlier that day we discussed we would relax when he gets home from parkour, then shower together and get in the mood, so there wasn’t even a chance for me to fight for us to have intimacy yesterday. Though he just messaged me and said he just made an account, so I am proud he took that step forward.

XOXO Anna

Lies, Truth, Addiction, and a Plan

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My last post revealed one of Cody’s lies… Well yesterday afternoon/evening I went through all of the search history since our relationship began…. Cody lied to me this whole time. I really don’t want to get into how many times he went to porn and stuff but when we first met, there was nothing really, and then a moderate amount in october, a lot in november and december. January was when I caught the suicide girls on his history and that’s when we had that break down. That’s when he promised he wouldn’t do it anymore…but he did… only a couple times, much less. April 18th I showed him that article, and that really changed a lot, and he had the half misstep that I mentioned in my post from yesterday.

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It’s the lies that hurt the most. We both broke down yesterday. I mean a full on mental break down, Cody even had to be in the bathroom because he thought he was going to puke. But everything is out in the open, no more secrets.

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Cody and I worked out a plan on how to handle this. No I am not leaving him, but that doesn’t mean if he doesn’t get his act together that I will stay. I’ve let him know what I am willing to deal with and what are official deal breakers with his addiction. He took a sick day at work. I already took monday off and was exhausted today, and had Cody come with me to babysit so he could drive because I was too tired and didn’t want to drive if I wasn’t at my best with a kid in the car. The mom wasn’t happy and now I don’t know if I have that job anymore…

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Things are very stressful right now, but Cody and I are trying to stay strong, and he is getting help and starting recovery. One thing that made me see that he is ready is that when I showed him today a picture of a specific girl he looked up months and months ago, he told me later when we were discussing aspects of addiction, that seeing the picture triggered him. Also, with my anorexia I refer to it as Ed, a separate person from me. With Cody’s addiction we call him Dick. So Cody said that Dick was telling him that he should look at the girl and watch video’s but Cody fought off the thought. But the thing that matters is that Cody told me about it the second he realized he had that thought. He was honest for the first time and that gives me hope.

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Anyways…praying that I don’t lose my job and that Cody stays honest and that things work out…

XOXO Anna

Talked

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I am calmer, and I wrote Cody a letter. Cody just left, and he came home for his lunch break and we talked. Cody mainly cried. He walked through the door with a bouquet of red and white roses (my favorite) and he didn’t even get a sentence out before he started crying and he pulled out replacement ring set for the one he got since the black was coming off, and we wanted them to stay nice for fancy occasions. I saw how upset he was and he admitted he had a problem and really wanted help this time. The “porn” he looked at wasn’t actual girls which I was thankful for but like star wars or animated stuff… which was strange to see and honestly obviously less threatening. But still doesn’t make up for him lying.

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One reader, Jeff, has commented on many of my posts and has given great advice and feedback, and I decided that Cody and I should go to an AA meeting since there is no S-Anon meetings in our area. I told Cody that when he said alcohol at the meetings he would in his head be saying porn. I think it might help him to go and talk and it will help me too. My drinking has honestly been really good lately, I haven’t even wanted alcohol for the past couple weeks. I rather have tea or coffee.

But I’ll post the letter I wrote to Cody just so you guys understand what was said from my half.

Dear Jerk, oh whoops, I meant Cody,

So much for you being different than the other shitty guys I’ve had. I really thought you were different. My bad. Maybe I was too naive and hopeful, thinking I could get a happy ending. Let’s be real, my life was shit, it’s shit now, and my future will be shit as well. Doesn’t matter if I stay with you or find someone else, it’s still shit. See this is why I was going to have my life with me, my child, and my dog all alone. No one could hurt me then. If my life got fucked it was because of me. Not because of some random asshole who comes into my life and tears it a part.

Sorry, had to get that anger out. Anyways, back to the real point. You are a liar. The one thing I don’t tolerate and the thing I hate. Fuck. That police class didn’t do shit. I couldn’t fucking tell that you were lying to me for a month. Guess it’s a good thing I’m not going to be a police officer.

I think the worst part is you were actually convincing me to trust you again. Why do you think I still jump on you every time something happens? It’s because deep down I figured it would happen and if I jumped on you enough then maybe it wouldn’t happen. Maybe, just maybe, you would care. You wouldn’t be selfish. You would actually care about me. Care about my feelings. Care that when you look up porn it literally shreds my heart into a million pieces that I then have to pick up and tape back together. I still only had maybe half of my heart rebuilt. Now my heart is completely re-torn apart and the pieces that were already torn apart aren’t even salvageable anymore it seems.

Why. Why oh why oh why do you lie? Do you like hurting me? Are you secretly another sociopath that loves to reek havoc in my life? Are you a wolf in sheeps clothing? Have I been deceived for a whole year? Or is this just you being a generic asshole of a guy who is too selfish to care about anything but his own needs and feelings? To me, right now, you are looking pretty damn bad to me. You’re lucky we’ve had so many good times or I’d be gone right now, hell I would have been gone after the first time.

Why do I stay with you you asked at work? I stay because real relationships are not perfect and you don’t bail on those you love, you don’t bail on family. Sadly that’s what I’ve come to think of you as. Family. Which makes this all the more painful. I rather have those asshole guys from Savannah hurt me again because it wouldn’t be half as bad as the way you’ve made me feel when you betray me with lie after lie. You know Rachael told me I should leave you. I told her I couldn’t. She said I could and I wasn’t trapped. It’s true though. I could leave right now, and never turn back, start fucking any guy who shows interest and go on the path I was going on before I met you. But you see that doesn’t seem right.

Cody, we have built a life together. A life together. I would never risk losing it, yet here you are, a year in and still willing to risk everything…for what? For what, Cody? For some fake chick with huge tits and a big ass? Do you see why I continue to want surgery? Do you see why I continue to be with Ed. Ed is safer than you. That’s what I feel. That’s why I haven’t given Ed up. He keeps me from being with someone who will hurt me. Who does hurt me. Ed can be irrational, and very stupid, but at the end of the day he looks out for me and protects me from getting too close and getting hurt. That’s why he hates you. He hates you because you hurt me. He hates you because you’re trying to take him away from me. He doesn’t like that you’ve hurt me, and is trying to save me from a life I will regret. That is why Ed is still here.

Cody, I love you, I do. It’s just so simple. You don’t love me. You don’t even care about me. I feel so stupid and blind. I’ve spent at least $1,000 on you, and I do everything I can to make you happy. Yet here you are, forgetting about me, forgetting promises, forgetting presents for anniversaries, forgetting to have foreplay, and it goes on and on. I think you’re actually quite selfish. I think you’re a nice guy, to a degree, but you are selfish and that is one of your worst qualities. If we are ever going to make this work, you need to stop being selfish and be honest.

Do you see why I haven’t believed you when you say we’ve made progress, or we’ve come so far, or you love me, or things are different. Things aren’t different. We are back in January and December. We just lost all that progress we, or I, worked for. Yes I. I worked for us. You didn’t. You’re complacent. Or, you just think you can get away with treating me like crap because I’m nice and won’t leave. Well Cody, let me tell you this, I will leave. I will leave you if you lie to me again. I don’t want to. It will kill me to leave you and the life we’ve built. You’re not only killing me, but hurting Luvas, and now our baby Emily. She loves you so much and now… if you lie again you lose us all. You’ll never see us again. So if porn is worth more than three lives… well then that answers that. We mean nothing to you. That’s how I feel right now. I feel meaningless and worthless. I feel stupid. I feel angry. I feel like I want to get you back. I want to cheat or cut or burn or drink. But I’m better than that. I will stay strong because I am just that good. I care about myself and I care about our babies. I won’t let them have two parents that fail them. I will be strong and I will be great. I am great. Hell you are god damn lucky to have me. You’re also lucky I gave you so many chances. Cody, you’re not a cat and you don’t have nine lives. You’re running out of chances.

There are options right now.

  1. We go to therapy and continue living together and working on trust.
  2. I leave and go to my parents for the next two weeks and we go to therapy and we continue to trust each other.
  3. The one I really don’t want to do, which is breakup.

So I really want you to think. You need to think about whether you love me. Whether you want me. Whether you want a serious relationship. Whether you’re ready for a serious relationship. Because Cody I deserve much better than this. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve to be loved and cared about. Do you want to be the single guy who tries to hit every girl. If that’s what you want let me know, we can live here in our apartment and we can move your shitty mattress from your dad’s and you can have the living room and I’ll take the bed room and we will live civilly together but single since we are locked in this lease.

So Cody, you have some thinking to do. I hope you’ll let me know if you want to be with me or if you love me, or if you’ve been playing me the whole time. All I want at this point is some honesty and if you can’t give me that then it’s obvious that we’re done.

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Cody, before I read this letter, was crying and was very upset. Once I read the letter he went numb. I told him obviously feelings from when I wrote the letter changed but I wanted to read it to him so he knew how hurt I was and would be if this kept happening with no effort to change or be honest with me.

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Out of the three options obviously Cody wants number one. I was thinking about number 2 because in my head number 3 isn’t an option. I believe that Cody and I have worked too hard to give up on us. Plus, if we were married what would we do? Divorce? No. So I am treating this relationship seriously because it is a serious relationship. If Cody was just a fling I would have left ages ago but Cody isn’t just a fling. He is the one and will always be the one. Plus I know addiction. I burned myself only once before our friend called me and talked to me after I texted her what happened. Addiction is strong and honestly I know that giving up and walking away from someone with an addiction is the worst thing you can do. That’s another reason why I am staying, because you need a support system with addictions, and it’s not like Cody has told his friends he has an addiction to porn, nor would they understand. His guy friends would say it’s not a problem and that it’s fine.

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But after reading the letter I got Cody to talk to me a bit and then he started crying again and wouldn’t let me hug him or touch him because he thought he didn’t deserve it. I told him that was nonsense and hugged him. I told him that he should say out loud any thought that crossed his mind while he was crying and when he spoke I was shocked.

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He really hasn’t forgiven himself for any of the missteps or incidents and he is very unforgiving on himself for any hurt he has caused me. He said some things that were very sad for me to hear, because I hated hearing him so depressed and hating on himself. I know everyone makes mistakes and that addictions are hard to get through, and I know what he is feeling because I’ve been there. He reminded me so much of myself a couple years ago when I was crying because I hurt someone because of my addiction. Of course I didn’t have anyone who really stuck around and helped me through it, which made my addiction so much worse. It was only when I was about to lose someone from my addiction that I got help and changed everything, so I’m hoping that Cody is going to do the same.

XOXO Anna

I Hate Liars

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I can’t post right now, I’m too emotional and thinking it better to wait until I calm down. But I’ll give you a hint as to what I’ll post about later. Cody and his porn. May 10th. Lied for a god damn fucking month to me. How did I find out? Work computer history. It’s not the worst offense with the exact porn, but it’s the lying that is killing me. Lie after lie after lie. This is why I am a cynical fuck and don’t trust anyone. Maybe it would have been better to be single forever.

XOXO Anna

Anorexia is Kicking My Ass and Will be the Death of Me

Note: this post will most likely be written by my anorexic thoughts dominating over my logic.

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Right now Anorexia is winning. Last night Anorexia was winning too.I went to Marshalls while the girl I babysit was at swim practice. I tried on clothes, and I found black shorts that fit. Maybe it was the mirror but I hated myself. I hated my looks. I couldn’t stand looking at my reflection.

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At the moment I am thinking I am really fat. The logic part of my mind knows I’m not, but I’m not tone. That bothers me. I am not skinny mini model pretty. I want to be skinny again. I want to be attractive. I feel so gross. I feel like I shouldn’t eat for two weeks. If I even do eat I feel like it should be only a chicken caesar salad, or broccoli, or string beans, or an apple, or a banana. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel so down I wanna …either cut or well you know..die, but I am not stupid I wouldn’t commit suicide. Though if I did get to a certain weight I’m sure that I wouldn’t be able to cope. I just wanna be sexy or hot. Which I guess I’m not. Ethan never described me as that, though Spencer told me that Hot was a demeaning term and I should be thankful Ethan described me as beautiful and attractive.

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I just never had that hot look and I guess that bothers me because I do struggle with the fact that I am not merely a sexual object for a guy and I am actually a person. I should know I’m worth more than just my looks but I guess I’m scared that without my looks I wouldn’t be loved. Or I would thus be unlovable. I know, irrational, but this is the way my anorexic mind thinks. Right now my anorexic mind is killing me. I even pulled out my Anorexic journal last night to remind myself of how to starve myself. There were some things in there that my logic brain was shocked to read, but my anorexic mind was sinking its claws into it, not letting go. All I can think about is how I am not good enough compared to other girls. I am torturing myself. I am in my own personal hell. A prisoner of my own twisted and warped mind. I wouldn’t wish Anorexia on my worst enemy. It’s a real killer.

XOXO Anna

Stress, Cutting, and Moving Out

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It’s been a hectic couple days. Since last friday I’ve been dead tired and dizzy…all the time. I have felt like I’ve been in a dream like state, which freaks me out. Today is the first day I feel like slightly better. Then I had an exam on tuesday, so I was stressing for that. I went home early because I was so exhausted and slept the rest of that day away.

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Cody went to parkour, and my parents told me that Cody and I have to move out because India might be coming home and she refuses to come home if Cody is living there. So Cody and I have found some places we want to look at. This saturday we are going to look at a house, a house. It’s multifamily, but I think the owner lives on the first floor and then if we got the house we would get the second floor, a balcony, deck, and the attic. The description says it is a 2-3 bedroom so we would have plenty of space.

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But back to my parents telling me India might be coming home, things were stressful. See I have tried to figure out so many things I could do for Cody’s birthday and each plan keeps falling apart. So because India might come home, what I wanted to do for Cody can’t happen…at least not the way I wanted it to, and I ends dup crying over it and my dad apologized because he knows how much I’ve put into it- or was putting into it. There were some other things going on tuesday that were stressing me out, and I was extremely depressed over India possibly coming home. It’s not because I don’t want her to come home, because I miss her a lot, but because it means Cody and I have to move out within six weeks essentially. So moving, finals, and everything else…it’s just overwhelming. So I took a bath and grabbed the safety pin and cut before I even thought about what I was doing.

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When Cody got home he wasn’t happy and asked me why I did it. I explained and we talked and everything. We ended up arguing a little later but made up. I yelled at him and he made a comment about my cutting. We both did things wrong but apologized and made up.

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Cody was thinking about getting a second job possibly if need be. I personally would hate it if he had to do that, but again, Cody really wants to be able to financially support us, it’s important to him that he is capable of doing that. I don’t think I posted about Serena’s party, but it was not fun. I was exhausted. But see, Cody told me that to him, he felt like he can’t give me an engagement ring until he feels he can financially support us and that we are stable. To most women maybe it’s not romantic, but to me it was the sweetest thing to hear. I couldn’t believe he felt like he didn’t deserve to marry me if he couldn’t support us financially. I thought it was ridiculous, but I could understand where he was coming from and how he grew up. But it was super sweet because that meant he was serious about marriage and wasn’t taking it lightly. He was really thinking about the reality of it and such, which made me happy. I’ve thought about marriage in the reality way of finances, living situations, career, school etc. and how we would handle all that. I was so happy to see Cody was thinking with the same level of seriousness and maturity.

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But it’s been a stressful week. I hope that this house we see is good because it would be a freaking dream if it was good and worked out. My parents however are being… stubborn? I understand that they have been very understanding about Cody and I living in the attic of their house and financially supporting me with school and such, but they told me they wouldn’t co-sign for any place Cody and I move, and they said Cody’s dad would have to co-sign. So Cody has to mention that to his dad. I just feel like I’ll be less stressed once I know our living situation is secured. I don’t want to feel like we are going to be kicked out with no place to live.

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I feel like instead of having the time to plan our move and everything it is now rushed, which is where my stress is coming from. Before this all happened Cody and I had a plan to move out by next winter, which was nice because it meant Cody had more time to save for rent, and Cody seemed to think prices would be better in winter because no one wants to move when it’s snowing. But life threw us a curve ball, and we are handling it. Cody is completely calm and collected, and I have to say I admire him for that because I am so stressed by this. But then again that is where our personalities differ, which is fine because he keeps me relaxed but I remind him of the realities and that we need to make decisions in a timely manner. But the one thing that made me practically tear up was when Cody said that the only thing that mattered to him was that wherever we moved he wanted to make sure I was safe. He wanted to make sure that he didn’t have to worry about me if I was in the house or apartment alone without him because of crime and such. It was so sweet to hear him say that he would live in a shittier apartment if I was safe because it was a god neighborhood.

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Fingers crossed about this house this saturday, and if not this house, then one of the apartments we will see! Also at the moment I have A’s in all my classes!

XOXO Anna

Improvement, Cody’s Friends, and Sister Drama

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Cody and I had a serious talk as I mentioned and honestly it helped. Cody didn’t go LARPing last weekend. He stayed with me when I asked him to stay. I honestly wasn’t okay, and am so thankful for him to be here. Cody really showed me he was putting in the effort and cared about me by skipping LARP. It really means the world to me. We also had an amazing night going to Stop n Shop together and cooking last weekend. We cuddled, watched TV, and had an amazing time. We also didn’t have sex that weekend but we did other stuff and honestly I felt better doing that than sex at that moment.

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I saw some of Cody’s friends last Saturday. I can’t explain now but I will explain down the line why I was with them. But it was awesome to see them. Things are turning around. I honestly really do have hope about Cody and I getting better now. Him skipping LARP showed me that he really does care and love me.

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This whole week Cody has been amazing in showing me he loves me by just grabbing ginger ale if we are out or giving me a massage surprisingly, or us having sex when I didn’t even expect it which was nice. Cody and I are really actually finally in a good place.

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I am also seeing more of Cody’s friends today, again it’s the thing I can’t mention yet, but then later tonight Cody and I have to go to Serena’s birthday dinner bar hopping thing. Not looking forward to that because we have to drive a half hour to go do that.

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So India and I talked yesterday and she said that since Christmas our whole relationship had been fake. That hurt, because I’ve honestly been trying to show her I care and love her by calling or texting every week and talking about her life and such. It really hurt and I had the urge to cut but I didn’t. I just hope that India and I do actually make up.

XOXO Anna

Dinner with Mom

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Last night’s dinner was hell. I haven’t had time to post for the past couple days and finally I have time. My parents have been on my ass to get either a job or internship this summer once school gets out. Also because my parents have been constantly criticizing Cody and me we wanted to move out. I don’t know where Cody and I stand on that at the moment, but I personally think I still want to move out. I just can’t take my parents treating me like I’m in high school. I’m 22 years old and I should be able to make my own decisions.

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But last night at dinner Cody, me, and my mom were drinking and eating while talking about me. Talking about how my mom thinks I am weak, a child, and dependent. It’s true that I am financially dependent on them. But to call me a child and weak? I feel like that was uncalled for. Also she said my life is a mess right now and I need to get my shit together.

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If you’ve been reading my blog, you will know that right now my life is the most together it’s been in over three years. I am going to school and am in a healthy relationship. Back at my old school I was dealing with my trauma’s and stuff. I was not in a good place. But I finally am. I haven’t self harmed in almost six months. I’ve basically stopped drinking aside from the occasional drink with dinner, and I am going to school. I feel like my life is pretty together at the moment.

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Cody couldn’t believe that my mom didn’t pick up on my sarcastic acting last night. I basically just agreed with everything my mom said to please her and she loved it. She loved the me I was faking. She said, “Where did this Anna go? I’m glad she is back.” That implies that I used to be a kiss ass. Which I wasn’t. I am raging pissed because now my mom and dad are going to be infuriated if I don’t find a job or internship for the summer. Their definition of an acceptable job for me is being a waitress where I make $300-$400 a night in tips. That’s not possible for me to do.

I just hope that when I tell my mom last night was a huge lie she doesn’t freak on me. There’s just all this pressure and I feel like I’m drowning in it.

 

XOXO Anna

Cigarette For Head?

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Last night wasn’t good. I was suicidal. So much so I had a plan. Cody and I talked though and he got me to calm down. But what I really want to talk about is the reason I was so down.

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I am sick and tired of seeing men disrespect women. Honestly it makes me sick to my stomach sometimes and makes me want to smack them when they say ignorant or misogynistic crap. Yesterday we were hanging with Cody’s two friends. They are well… let’s just say I would not want to ever date a guy like that. One is a complete asshole when it comes to women, and the other just stupid (as in intellectually stupid.) Sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s what I’ve witnessed. Then we go to Bass Pro Shop and this guy wants a cigarette. He asks the asshole friend if he can have one and says, “she will give you head for it,” referring to the girl he was with. Luckily she didn’t hear that, but my fucking god that was insanely disrespectful. That infuriated me beyond belief but I stayed silent. I stayed silent mainly out of fear, and only today did I realize I was angry that I stayed silent. Someone should tell that asshole off. But no one did.

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Then later we were all playing pool at this club, and there was this stupid tv show on and it referred to these hookers as bitches and that also didn’t sit well with me. I just… I hate seeing that men think its okay to call women names like “bitch”, “slut”, “cunt”, etc. It really drives me crazy to hear that…also calling women “crazy”. It also makes my blood boil when I see that in TV or even like that man who wanted a cigarette, just treats women as objects, or something tradable, or just there to please a guy. Like I am sorry, but I’m not, but seriously guys need to understand the BASIC concept that women are people too. They are human beings and they are equal.

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Yes I am ranting right now, but I really need to get these feelings out. It also sucks to see Cody’s friends sometimes acting so ignorant about women’s rights and just treating a woman with basic dignity instead of treating them like “disposable pieces of ass”. Yeah, I really needed to vent. It just gets me really depressed when I see this day in and day out. And when Cody laughs at some of the sexist asshole humor that is honestly seriously offensive just makes it even worse. It makes me think that he is just like those other ignorant guys. But I know Cody isn’t and I am teaching him a lot about women and their rights and how to treat them or not make those kinds of offensive jokes. Like, honestly before we met Cody thought it was okay to joke about certain topics that are obviously not okay to joke about *cough* rape *cough*. Yeah. But Cody has learned a lot from me. I just wish more girls would tell their guys about this stuff. Cody told me that no girl ever spoke up about anything like that in the past that he has been with.

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I know that sometimes guys say that girls shouldn’t let the guy treat them so badly but sometimes it should be the guy knowing not to do it in the first place, right? I admit that after my rapes, I let guys treat me like absolute crap…because that’s what I thought I deserved. But no one, regardless of gender or sex, should be treated with inequality or like an object. We are all people, human beings with emotions. Sometimes it makes me sad to see that so many people don’t get that concept. Why can’t people treat others nicely and with dignity? What makes someone better than another person? We are all human, trying to live life, and make the best of it with the hands we were dealt. Some have great hands from the start and others unfortunately don’t, but that doesn’t mean that someone with say money is better than someone with out. We are all just people, trying to make a living and enjoy life.

Sorry again for the rant. Just really, really, had to vent.

XOXO Anna

3 Year Anniversary

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Two nights ago I drank a lot and was black out drunk. I was really down, like suicidal down. I was thinking about Peter, and that just got to me. Cody told me not to keep drinking but I didn’t listen. I regret it because Cody filled me in on all the blanks and it wasn’t good. Apparently I grabbed a kitchen knife, threatening to cut. But that’s what I wanted before I drank, I wanted to cut or do worse. I also, when completely intoxicated, ask for sex and say that “I’ll do whatever you want.” I only know this because Cody videoed some of it. He videoed me because he wanted for me to know what it was like when I got drunk and had flashbacks and stuff. It was very rough to watch. I told Cody to delete the video. He did. I didn’t go to school today. Since two nights ago I’ve been incredibly down. I think, or I know, that I am going to go back to AA for a bit so I can remind myself why drinking doesn’t solve anything. Peter sexually assaulted me on February 26th and it was a tuesday night. So, though the date anniversary is friday, to me it’s today. Cody and I are going to cuddle and watch TV when he gets home and have a relaxing night, and on wednesday he said he would go with me to an AA meeting because I am too scared to go on my own. How did I get so lucky to find a guy who not only takes care of me when drunk and doesn’t do anything sexual to me, but will go to an AA meeting, or goes to eating disorder treatment with me? Again, he is a unicorn, and I am damn lucky to have him.

XOXO Anna

Trying To Be Strong

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I am giving it my all. I am really trying to move forward with Cody and I know it’s going to take time to get that trust back, but it’s killing me in the meantime. I have to be strong first though. I need to help Cody then I’ll let myself deal. This song helps me though. I love Cody and I know that when in a relationship there is the potential to get hurt. I am not stupid, but I am shocked.

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This morning the urge to cut was so strong. I called my sister and she helped me through it. I was kinda crying on the phone with her. I felt so bad about wanting to cut knowing if I did others would get hurt. Then we continued talking for the next hour about our lives and I told her about the surprise for Cody on saturday and she was happy for me. I even told her that he said he wanted to go ring shopping before the 14th. Don’t worry he is so not proposing by Valentine’s Day. He probably wants to see what rings I like across the board and maybe he will get me something nice for Valentine’s I think. Though I could totally be off base. Maybe he will get me roses and candy which is fine. I don’t need too much to be happy. I just need honesty, trust, support, patience, understanding, and someone who is going to be there.

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Last night Cody and I made a lot of progress though. We had sex twice. First time I had to stop and talk to him because I kept thinking about what he did. After talking we had the most intimate sex of my life. Then later that night we had very hot sex. We’ve taken preventative measures. His phone screen saver is a picture of me, that way if he did get the urge, he would see my face before he did anything. Also the hot sex from last night gave him lots to think about if he does get the urge to masturbate. I am really trying my best to help him understand this. It’s hard on me though. But apparently he said last week he had been thinking about Savannah and the guys that are my friends a lot. He also said maybe he felt slightly not as close, and maybe that’s why the slip-up happened but he doesn’t really know.

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I love him to death but I just at times am overwhelmed with extreme pain and sadness. I still am trying to process and understand how he could do that to me. I know no one is perfect but it’s just difficult. I understand addiction, and that’s why I think I am doing such a great job at helping him and staying strong and not being stupid and retaliate. I just don’t know how to move past this. I am hoping tomorrows therapy session will help a lot.

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I’m just trying to keep it together for Cody’s sake. I won’t give up on him. He feels like crap anytime he sees me depressed. I can’t imagine what he would do if I ended up cutting. I just have to breathe, have faith, and pray that he doesn’t break my heart again.

XOXO Anna

Building Trust

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I’ve never been one to trust people. Trust doesn’t come easy, it’s not natural for me. I learned from a young age not to trust people. So when people betrayed or hurt me, I held on to it for a long time. I wasn’t one to forgive and forget. That was years ago. I’ve come a long way since then. These days I have learned to forgive and I’ve learned that people who make mistakes aren’t bad. There are levels of betrayal and depending on how severe the betrayal was is what determines how fast I get over it.

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Forgiveness is not an emotion but a decision. Without forgiveness one can not move forward. Without compassion and understanding you’ll get nowhere. With Cody and our situation, I have been working on forgiving him. I have been working on seeing that he is still the good person I love. I do see it. But then I think about what he did and I’m hurt all over again. I don’t know how to get past that. I think what helps me is talking about it whenever it comes up. Also cuddling with Cody and being close to him makes me feel better.

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I am trying really hard to not make this harder for Cody. He is taking all of this really hard. He is being self punitive and says that I am the one who he should be getting punishment from. That’s not healthy though. I don’t want to punish Cody for what he did, but rather be there and help him through this addiction of his. It’s an addiction to masturbation and porn is the thing he used to go to when he had the urge to get off. The fact that he has only gotten the urges two to three times since meeting me is a good sign I guess. It means it’s not a serious addiction, but it still needs to be addressed. I really am hoping that going to therapy with him this week will help him understand more about it. He needs insight into the whys.

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I need the insight into the whys as well. I love that Cody said that he wants to stop. He really doesn’t want to do that. I am glad that he does feel shame and embarrassment an guilt…to me it’s good that those emotions are associated with it. For me, cutting was an addiction, and it was farther along that Cody’s, and the thing that killed me was the guilt. I stopped cutting because I couldn’t take the guilt and I couldn’t take hurting those around me. So it’s now my job to help Cody through his own struggle. It’s my turn to teach him how to be strong and to get through the urges. I love Cody and I want to be there for him. I am not going to lie, because honesty is the most important thing with me, but helping Cody is very hard for me. In one way it’s easy because I love him. But it’s hard for me because it’s porn. If he was addicted to cigarettes this would be so much easier. I am the one who has to be able to check his history daily and see if I can block the page on his phone and stuff. It’s hard to be the strong one, but I don’t mind. I want to help Cody get through this, because if I didn’t help him, I don’t know what our relationship would look like.

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Cody means the world to me. It pains me to see how much pain he is in because of what he did and how it hurt me. He really hates himself right now, and I don’t like that. I just want to see him be okay again. I want us to get closer and build that trust up again. I feel like helping him and him talking to me will build that trust. I really am not sure how one is supposed to handle situations like these, but I am doing the best that I can.

XOXO Anna

Curveballs of Life

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I’ve been posting tons of good things about Cody…tonight something not so good happened. If you’ve read my posts you will know that there have been incidents with porn and you will know that we agreed that would not happen in our relationship because of my anorexia. So I found his history saying he looked at suicidegirls.

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I was so heart broken when I saw that and then he had the audacity to lie to me about it repeatedly when I asked. I finally said just tell me the truth and I won’t be mad at you. He said yeah he did. I broke down crying so hard. He instantly broke down so hard too. We cried a lot and talked a lot and cried more. He thought I was going to leave him if he told me he did that. He also admitted me might have an addiction to porn. I said I am not leaving him and we’re going to therapy.

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I am still processing. I still love him and want to marry him. The thing that hurt most was that he didn’t tell me and lied when I asked. He did think I was going to leave him though. I told him as long as he was honest with me I wouldn’t leave him. I told him to promise me that if he has the urge to tell me. If he does, then tell me. It’s the lying that I can’t stand.

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After we got through all that, it made me realize just how much I love him. Though he did something that hurt me extremely badly I still love him. I still want to be with him and work through this. When you truly love someone you don’t bail when the going gets tough. That’s not love. With this realization it gave me this idea. Well, it’s an idea I’ve had for weeks, but I was hoping that Cody would do it, but he has no idea that this thing exists so I know he wasn’t going to do it. I figured I could do it. I know I am not saying anything and being vague, but I don’t want Cody to read this and find out the huge surprise I’m doing. And no, I am not proposing, because Cody told me he would say no because he wants to be able to propose…but what I am doing is close to a proposal I guess. It’s something that is meaningful and signifies commitment.

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Cody went to grab dinner, but I have a feeling we will talk more and cry more tonight. Maybe even tomorrow too. But I want to work on this with him. The way he describes the porn thing is the way I feel when I want to cut, it’s like the urge to cut he says. He says he doesn’t want to do it but he has the urge. It’s the same thing with me and cutting. I don’t want to but I can have the urge.

So I am hoping things get better as the week goes on.

XOXO Anna

Going Back to GA on Sunday

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I am totally excited about GA! I am so happy to being Quick Silver and Andy! I’ve missed them like crazy. I’ll also be seeing Ethan…so that will be interesting. I am excited to show Cody everything and show him off to my friends.

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The only thing is I am crazy anxious about being triggered. What if I see Owen? What if I see Peter DJing some club? I doubt Monster would be there, but still.

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I hate that the place I love and miss brings such anxiety. I have been going through my blog and editing each and every post so it’s in categories, which was something I should have done ages ago. And re-reading some of my old posts made me sad. I read a post where I was talking about being freaked out about being hit on in Panera.

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I just hope that when Cody and I get to Savannah I don’t freak. I want to enjoy this vacation and not have to worry about my safety or being triggered, and more to the point, Cody shouldn’t have to worry about me being triggered. It’s not his job.

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It’s sweet that he wants to take care of me and all, but I am used to being in Savannah and dealing with it on my own unless I ask for help. Cody helps even when not asked, which I am not used to. It’s sweet, but sometimes I just feel so bad because I do feel like I’m a burden or it’s too much even if he doesn’t. Like I don’t want to be a downer.

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I want to be able for Cody not to worry. Like even tonight he was worried about me because Jack Daniels is kind of a trigger for me so he lied about it and when we got to his house I saw a bottle that he dad got. He said he lied because he was worried it would make me want to drink or something. I really hate that he worried about me. It’s sweet, but I can handle myself. Or if I can’t, then let me drown myself in my destruction until I get through it on my own. Yeah, I know self-destruction is not good, but sometimes I just want to do what I want even if it’s not the healthiest.

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But Cody loves me so much that he won’t let me self-destruct, which I am thankful for. But damn do I feel guilty about still wanting to at times. And yeah, I really don’t feel like I deserve someone as good as Cody. I mean, why do I deserve someone like Cody? I’ve been treated like crap by every guy…so why do I deserve the good treatment? I am not used to it at all, even after six months.

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Also India and her boyfriend left this morning, so it’s been strange to not have her around. I really wanted to breakdown this morning at 5:30 AM when I said goodbye. I haven’t cried yet, but it’s only a matter of time before I cry.

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I just am going into the new year hoping that things with my sister continue to get better, that Cody and I still remain good and happy, and that college goes well. If all that happens I will consider myself lucky.

Hope everyone has a good new year!

XOXO Anna

Day 6

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Lots has happened since I last posted. After I posted last I broke down completely. India came up to the attic to check on me. I poured my heart out to her and we seemed to be in a better place after that.

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I spent Christmas eve with Cody and his family. I met his grandparents. Dinner sucked though. Cody and I got into…or well Cody did something that hurt me but no worries we are good now. But I really wasn’t sure for a while. I really wanted to self harm but I couldn’t because I was at the dinner table when it all went down. I started using my wrist band and snapping it against my wrist just so I could focus on that so I wouldn’t break down at the dinner table. After a while that didn’t cut it and I held the band tightly against my skin and rubbed it back and forth on my wrist. I did it too much and broke skin. My wrist still hurts which sucks, but whatever at least I didn’t “really” self-harm.

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Anyways, Christmas was good. I woke up and spent the first half at my house with my family and then went to Cody’s house to spend the rest of Christmas with his family. Christmas morning I talked to my dad about what happened with Cody and he is the one who helped me get over it or at least be okay about it. India bought Cody a present and she even wrote him a note. That was huge for her. When my dad was wrapping Cody’s gift he asked if he should write from “the in-laws” which I said I think Cody would like. That’s my dad’s sense of humor for you.

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Christmas at Cody’s was amazing. His family rocks. I met his aunts, uncles, and cousins. He has a big family and half of them weren’t even at the Christmas dinner. I loved my Christmas with them. I even ate normally! It was amazing. Like, growing up, I always wanted a big family and never had one and last night I knew what it was like to have a big family so to speak and it was really fun.

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I got home today and things went back to hell. See, tonight was supposed to be hibachi with India, her boyfriend and me. But this morning before I got home my mom called me and said that Cody, me, them, and my granddad were going out to dinner. I assumed that my mom had spoken to my sister. But then I got a text from India asking me to make reservations for us tonight because she, her boyfriend, and friend were joining dinner with us.

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My sister is not ready to be in a room with Cody so I figured some miscommunications had happened. Getting home I said, “there’s been miscommunication.” I talked to my parents in the upstairs TV room, and my sister’s room is down the hall so she heard everything. She got the impression that I wanted to have dinner with Cody more than with her. She was crying and I went to her room to talk to her and she was yelling at me. My dad intervened and said some stuff that I personally knew was probably the wrong thing to say in the situation. My sister got really hurt when he said that we were all on pins and needles since she’s gotten home.

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It’s true though, we all don’t know what will make her explode. She all have tried to be cautious with our actions and words. Though I’ve mentioned Cody a lot and that’s only to get her to be desensitized, which I explained to her days ago.

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So today’s plans have totally fallen apart. My sister, her boyfriend, and friend are doing hibachi without me. My parents cancelled our dinner so Cody and I are back at his house now and his dad is going to make us dinner.

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It’s crazy how something as simple as miscommunications about plans made us loose the progress we’ve made over the past 6 days. I honestly thought I was getting my sister back. I actually had hope. Now… everything feels crushed. My family is hoping that she calms down by tomorrow and that we can all be peaceful again.

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Cody and I might have a poker night, finally, but not sure yet. Hopefully the rest of today goes well…

XOXO Anna

Day 2

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Last night was pretty bad after I posted. I almost self-harmed and India said she wanted a flight out of here. I went over to Cody’s and it saved me. I felt safe and loved.

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Cody was so happy to see me. We cuddled and talked and he gave me the twin mattress and he slept on the floor. Today has been better though.

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When I got home from therapy I talked to India. We had a real conversation about her feelings and everything that happened. She still didn’t answer all my questions. I told her half the things I wrote in the letter to her. I gave the letter to her boyfriend this morning and told him to read it and to give it to her when he thinks she is ready to read it.

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Then after India and I talked she wanted to re-dye her hair and we did that together. It was so nice because that is our thing and we did it and we talked a lot. She told me all about her new life and the people she has met. I told her that all that I cared about was that she was happy.

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Things are looking up for day 2! My granddad will arrive within the hour. I’ll spend time with the family before I go to parkour with Cody, and then if things are still good I will probably sleep at my house tonight. I’m hoping that I keep making progress with India through this trip because I’ve gotten some of those old moments back with her today and it felt great.

XOXO Anna

My Sisters Home

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Cody was leaving just as my dad pulled in the driveway with my sister and her boyfriend. I don’t even remember if I said “I love you” to Cody before he left. He was really nervous when leaving too. I’ve never seen him like that. I was nervous also. The condition for my sister to come home was that Cody had to move out of our house while she was here.

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I tried saying “hi” to my sister and she old her boyfriend, “I just can’t deal with her right now” in an angry/annoyed tone. That hurt. It took me a while to be able to enter the kitchen where everyone was eating dinner. I finally entered and when mom was going to make me food I said I might just go out to eat. Mom told me I’m not allowed to leave the house. My sister was like, “Please let her go. That would be great.” That also hurt. I am not being acknowledged by her. She tried petting Luvas and playing with him but he is nervous around her. The only people he loves and is okay around is Cody and me.

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I decided to stay in for dinner. Probably not going to eat much… not in the mood to eat though I’m starving. It was also surreal to see my sister drinking beer at dinner. I remember how she used to be so against drinking and drugs and all that stuff. I really want a drink right now, hence why I wanted to go out to dinner. There’s no alcohol at the house I want to drink. But knowing how much of a light weight I am I wouldn’t be able to drive home after having a glass or two of proseco for a while. I didn’t want to go out to eat alone and sit at a restaurant alone waiting for the alcohol to subside.

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It’s day one. Nine more days to survive. I want to be able to give my sister this letter I wrote her. I hope I get the chance to, and I hope she actually reads it and doesn’t tear it into pieces.

Dear India,

I am sorry for making you feel abandoned. At least that’s what I am assuming you felt. If I made you feel that way I cannot tell you enough how terribly sorry I am. I know you say words are meaningless from me, but I hope that you can see that I am writing from my heart.

I am sorry that when I met Cody I wasn’t there for you. I am sorry I didn’t see the signs. I want you to know that I am here for you if you do ever want to talk. I know you have people for that, but if you ever do want to, I am here. If not, then that’s okay too.

I don’t know how I can make any of this right, but I want to try to make it right with you, if you want to. I am ready when you are. If you’re not ready to talk to me right now then that’s okay. I’ll be here when you are ready. And if you’re not ready to read this, then feel free to stop right now and put this away for another day when you might want to read this.

I want you to know how proud of you I am though. You have been so strong, and have been an inspiration. Sometimes I wish I had the courage that you have, especially when it comes to mom and dad. I know we aren’t on good terms right now but I want to tell you how amazing it has been to have you as my sister.

For one thing you are the funniest person I know. You always make me and people around you laugh and that’s one of my favorite things about you. You know I am not funny, and I have always envied how you seem to just do it so naturally. Honestly it’s a great quality and I hope you are still making everyone in your life laugh, including yourself.

You are always there. Ever since my trauma’s and my anorexia, when I asked for help or just needed someone to talk to you were there without judgement. You told me that everything was okay and what I was feeling was valid. That was exactly what I needed to hear since everyone else was telling me otherwise. I know that if you’re there for me like that that your friends are some of the luckiest people. Having someone who is so caring in their lives is amazing. If you treat them anything like you treat me when I am down then they have the best thing in the world- someone who genuinely cares and is patient and understanding.

Another thing I love about you is that you know what you want and you won’t let anyone else change your mind. I personally am easily swayed sometimes when people comment on my decisions, but you don’t let others opinions change anything. I like that you are that confident in yourself and your decisions. Your confidence is great and I hope you are keeping that up.

You don’t judge when someone opens up to you. I know many times I’ve been scared to open up because I am terrified that someone will judge what I am thinking or feeling, but you don’t. You can be very understanding and create a comforting environment where I feel safe enough to open up. Most people I know don’t know how to create that environment or even that kind of relationship with another person where the other feels safe enough to do so.

I am so lucky to have had you in my life. You’ve made me a better person through knowing you. You call me on my bullshit and that is another great quality. You have been a huge influence. Sometimes I think to myself “What would India do” or “How would India feel” when I am trying to decide something and get stuck. Your opinions and thoughts matter a lot to me. Maybe this is all one sided, but I wanted to let you know all this in case things between us don’t get better down the road. I miss you and love you so much. I really wish I could go back in time and change things. I know that’s not a possibility so I am going to focus on changing the future, our future.

I want to be someone worthy of having you in my life. In the past my actions might have made you feel taken for granted and if that’s the case I apologize. You are one of the most important people in my life and I want you to know that. I don’t know what actions I have to take to show that to you, but I won’t stop trying. If I fail to show you then I will try something else until I find something that works.

I’ve never been good at knowing what to do in situations where there’s conflict. The one thing I know I am good at is writing letters from my heart. This is my attempt to show you how much I care and love you. If this doesn’t work I will try something else. I just hope one day we can get on better terms.

If we don’t get past this then these past twenty years with you have been a privilege. It’s been a fun ride with great memories and stories that I’ll never forget and I’ll smile at when remembering them. If you want to talk I’m always here even if it’s twenty years down the line, I’ll always be here, waiting for you.

I love you with all my heart,

Anna

I hope she does end up reading it if I give it to her.

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Sitting alone at the dinner table now, waiting for dinner. The pain I feel sucks. The feeling of being alone also sucks. The feeling of being scared in your own house sucks. I hate walking on egg shells in my house. I hate the fact that I want to hide in the attic and am scared to leave it because my sister and her boyfriend are here. I hate feeling scared in this house again. It’s been at least five years since I’ve felt scared in my house, and it’s been great to not be scared. I feel like an outsider in this house right now. I feel like I don’t belong. I feel like it would be best if I left. But it’s day one. I have to stay. I have to try. I have to push through all this bullshit.

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My sister came in and was asking mom to make tea, and mom told her she could do it and I asked for some too. I told my sister she didn’t have to make me any but she did. She actually responded to a question I asked her. Improvement.

XOXO Anna

Suicide Letters

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Let me start this post off with stating that I don’t plan on committing suicide, but I did write a suicide letter just now. At first I was hurting when I wrote it, and then as I wrote it I grew sad knowing that if I ever did do that so many people would be devastated. That sucked because I don’t want to hurt those I love.

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I think I wrote the note because of the emotions I am feeling because my sister is coming home tomorrow and I don’t know how to handle any of it. I wrote it to cope with my overwhelming feelings. I also finally wrote a letter to my sister. Feeling my feelings sucks. There’s a lot of pain and sometimes I don’t know how to handle it. I know I wanna cut. I know that won’t solve anything.

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So I am going to try to life my mood before Cody and I go out to his friends Christmas party. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I hope that my mood gets better. I hate being a downer.

XOXO Anna

The Family Situation

The full story behind what’s been going on is about to be explained.

If you’ve read my past posts, you will know that my sister ran away. I gave up going to school this semester. Before my family decided to go find my sister we found out a lot. We confirmed she had been cutting. We found out she wrote a suicide note back in march. We found out why she wrote the suicide note (which I still won’t reveal because it’s her business).

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We went out of the country to the small town she was in. First day there we found the place she was staying and the post office we sent her package too. The second day we staked out the post office to see if she was going to come pick up the package, which she didn’t. We told her we were in town and that we weren’t going to leave until we saw her.

She texted back that she was on her way to the hotel. She called me and told me she only wanted to see me, and so I went down outside the hotel and saw my sister and the 18 year old guy she was staying with. She looked terrible. There were bruises on her (from a night they got black out drunk) and she looked like she lost weight too. The guy convinced her to talk to me, so we walked around the corner and I talked to her while she just stood there with no expression. I was pouring my heart out to her. I could tell at one point she was trying to hide her emotions and not cry like I was starting to do.

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I knew I wasn’t getting anywhere with her so we went back to the front of the hotel. The guy convinced her to go upstairs and talk to my parents. My dad described my sister walking into the hotel room like she was walking into an execution. We all tried talking to her. Telling her how much we loved her. She just continued to ask for money. when my dad started to say no, she bolted out the door. I ran after her and the elevator that was always slow when I needed it, well the door opened right away. I ran and got in front of her as she was pushing me, trying to get in the elevator. I held her outside of it though, and my dad walked around the corner and helped get her off me. My dad asked the guy to come in the hotel room to talk.

My sister and the guy sat on the couch as my parents talked to him. My dad asked if we could meet his mom since that’s who they were living with. He agreed.

That was an extremely hard day and that’s the day I cut.

The next day we met with him, my sister, and his mom in a mall. She honestly was such a nice woman. The meeting went well. We agreed that the next day we would go shopping so my sister would have clothes for the winter.

We went to the mall, and waited for them to arrive. While waiting I went shopping at this store to distract myself from the crazy situation we were in and found a gorgeous sexy dress, a pair of pants, and an amazing top. When they arrived my sister said she wanted me to go shopping with her and the guy. It wasn’t very successful because I do get anxiety when shopping and I only got her to agree to buy a pair of pants.

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We went back to the food court and then his mom and my mom went with my sister and the guy to shop. I stayed with my dad. After they came back with what my sister actually needed, we all went out to dinner. It was hard. There were moments where it seemed like nothing had changed and my sister and I were like we always were. Then it hit me that she was going to be staying with this family for the semester.

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When we said goodbye my sister actually hugged each of us back and said she loved us after we each told her we loved her. I cried. It was extremely hard and I cut again that night.

The next day we went home without my sister.

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It’s been really hard. The whole situation has made me beyond anxious. I have had nightmares since the first night we left the country until now. Also, because all this stuff with my sister brought up some of my own stuff, it’s been really hard. I’ve had irrational fears about Cody and I, and I’ve had more irrational thoughts regarding me and my worth and whether I am deserving of love and such.

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I had therapy today and talked about everything that this situation has brought up for me. It’s brought up all these old irrational fears and thoughts that I haven’t had since I met Cody. It’s brought up Monster stuff (rape stuff, and cheating stuff), and it’s brought up abandonment issues. It’s also brought up separation anxiety. I am also struggling with eating… so lots is going on.

I am trying my best to keep it together, and keep things as normal as possible.

XOXO Anna

Suicide Medicine

I found that song on my sister’s computer and now it’s one of my songs I listen to when depressed.

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I am low. I cut again tonight. I snuck into my dads bag and found a sewing kit and found a safety pin. I took that into my shower and I tried cutting over my XO but since I fucked it up the other night I just couldn’t get it right and it just hurt too much before I drew any little amount of blood so I gave up. Also Cody asked to Skype and I told him, and he let me go to finish cutting while he skyped his friend while gaming or something.

I tried to go over my XO but it just was getting me more frustrated and wasn’t serving my need. I ended up going below my tattoo on my wrist and starting a new, smaller, XO. I got that right and got to see minimal blood. Scratching yourself with a safety pin and making an XO is actually time consuming. It takes time to scratch in an XO. Maybe my sister and other cutters have it right with using razor blades so it’s quick. I just can’t use anything too sharp for fear of doing real damage. I rather be in as much control with my self harm as I can. I don’t want to go deep and I don’t want to kill myself, or have that risk while self-harming.

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I like being in control and just scratching to the point where blood is starting. Then I stop. Though I’ll admit I had a hard time stopping tonight. I got to where I wanted. A new XO is on my wrist. It had it’s minimal blood showing but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t get further with that though, so I cut lines under it because all the other space on my arm between the top XO and the bottom XO was taken.

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I lied to my parents tonight. My dad had to come into the bathroom once and I said I was relaxing. My mom came in to brush her teeth and asked if I was self-harming and I said no, just taking a bath. I haven’t self-harmed, and lied about it in what seems like ages.

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Today would have marked seven months clean of self-harming. Also my three month anniversary with Cody also marks my one year since I stopped getting drunk. AA back in GA called me today asking if I still went and if they were going to need to make my one year chip with my name on it, but I told them I moved out of GA. You guys have no idea how much I wish I could be getting that chip. I honestly haven’t lost myself in drinking since I went to AA. I mean I’ve definitely drank and gotten drunk, but I haven’t been as bad as I was before AA. I mean, I used to get drunk every thursday, friday, and saturday night back in my fall quarter in my sophomore year. Until I got with Monster. Eric and Ethan made sure I didn’t keep drinking.

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But I hate how much has changed. So much is going on. With my sister running away, and staying here and not coming home with us, it kills me. It kills me to know what she went through, the pain she is suffering, and what she is or was doing to herself. But hey, I self harmed the other day and today so I can’t judge, but then again my self harm is quite minimal compared to others.

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I know I haven’t told you all about what’s going on with my sister and my family and the situation we are in, and I can’t reveal that until maybe another day or two, but it is a very difficult situation. I cried when I had to say goodbye to her today.

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Hell we had dinner with her and the people she was staying with and at the end I excused myself to get some air and the thought of running away or just walking into traffic crossed my mind. And when my and my mom and dad went to a bar after that thought of walking into traffic plagued my mind.

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So I did the lesser of two evils. I cut. But that doesn’t mean that suicide has left my mind. I know I’m writing about it and I am sorry if it worries anyone. I have said it in past posts that I would never commit suicide, but I do need to talk about it. I need to say that I am suffering right now. I am going through a lot and so many things are going on and I am not sure how I am going to get through it all.

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  1. My sister ran away, wrote of suicide, admitted to something I can’t reveal, and self harms and my family is completely helpless and can’t do anything about it because she is 18.
  2. It’s that time of year. Eric and I were together last year around this time. I also reported Monster just about now last year. Eric dumped me and I dealt with Monster getting away with rape by myself.
  3. November 7th will be coming up, which is the anniversary of Monster raping me.
  4. I am not going to school this semester because of my sister. School was the only thing that was making things better and keeping me grounded and made me have a purpose. I was heading towards my goals and now I am stuck with nothing. I feel useless and purposeless.

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So things aren’t looking too good right now. I mean, hey I’ll try to stay positive and not completely lose myself in a pit of depression and self hatred. I know I am not being super positive right now but I just have been so strong for everyone else while this whole situation has been going on, and seeing my sister is what made me crack, what made me brake.

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Also I know how stupid this is but Cody is playing games and wanted me to Skype with him and his friend he is playing with but why in the god fuck would I Skype with a stranger while I am this depressed and just self harmed? Like if anything I want to Skype with Cody just so I can talk to JUST HIM so I can not feel as bad as I am feeling now. I obviously suck at hinting over FB message that I … it doesn’t matter.

I am just so low so why bring anyone else down with me right? No Cody would absolutely hate me if I… but I can’t ruin his fun.

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I feel like a loser and a failure and gross and meaningless and worthless and undeserving and fuck. I just have no self esteem right now. I have no motivation and I have no confidence what so fucking ever. I want to talk to someone. I want to reach out for help but I can’t. I have to be strong or appear strong for my parents. I don’t want to burden anyone either. I feel so bad right now. And I’ve been writing notes down on my phone of my feelings from the past couple days and fuck. I scare myself with what I feel. I haven’t felt this kind of depression in a while. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel so fucking bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to ask for help, or even deserve help even if I ask. Fuck I am back to where I was before college. Back to my secrecy and self hatred. Unless I get the courage to let someone know how I am truly feeling…

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XOXO Anna