One Month

Today marks one month of Cody being honest with me about his addiction. He has done really well with calling me if he feels an uncomfortable emotion, and notifying me of when he gets to work and leaves. I’m proud of him for the progress he has made.

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At the same time of me being proud, I also wonder about how serious he takes all this. We had a fight and talk last night of him not being able to take anything in his life seriously. I had gotten fed up with Cody because he wasn’t getting what I was talking about and I broke down and he got upset, and I told him everything he probably didn’t want to hear. He has lived in denial about his childhood. His parents divorced when he was about 11. He claims he had the best childhood with loving parents and made it seem like a perfect dream. Yet of course, I knew better than to believe that when we first had that conversation within the first month of our relationship, but I wasn’t going to burst his bubble. Instead, I would bring up that topic from time to time and ask how the divorce affected him. There are other personal details about his parents that I won’t reveal out of respect but there was a lot of…not the best environment to be growing up in.

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So last night I was done with him living in a fantasy world. I gave him tough love and spelled out exactly how the divorce and other not healthy situations must have made him feel as a child. No child wants an unstable living environment growing up. No child wants to be the messenger boy between parents. I got him to realize that he needs to look at his childhood more. He has always mentioned 4th grade when talking about his childhood, which is when his parents divorced. That is when he noticed or remembers that he stopped doing homework and became lazy.

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Cody came to the conclusion that he is lazy and doesn’t put effort into every area of his life because he doesn’t care about himself he said. That was very sad and powerful to hear. I know that I came to the realization that my childhood wasn’t perfect and I saw my parents as people instead of heroes on a pedestal years ago, so Cody is catching up with that. With my own addictions (anorexia, self-harm, drinking) I relayed I didn’t care about myself, or if I did, it was so minimally. But through my recovery I’ve learned to really appreciate myself, and love parts of myself. I am no where near close to fully loving and accepting every part of me, but I’ve made a lot of progress through the years. Now it’s time for Cody to embark on his own journey of self-discovery, with a therapist to help him.

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This whole conversation happened because he didn’t work on recovery yesterday which was a huge disappointment to me. He didn’t make an account on Rebootnation, which is helpful, and he didn’t finish watching this video I sent him about porn and how bad it is from an ex-porn star Shelley Lubben. It was a very powerful video to watch, and I will link it here. It’s really worth the watch, it really opened my eyes up to some things I didn’t even know. We also didn’t have sex either which was mentioned that it might happen. Cody got in the shower alone after parkour…earlier that day we discussed we would relax when he gets home from parkour, then shower together and get in the mood, so there wasn’t even a chance for me to fight for us to have intimacy yesterday. Though he just messaged me and said he just made an account, so I am proud he took that step forward.

XOXO Anna

Lies, Truth, Addiction, and a Plan

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My last post revealed one of Cody’s lies… Well yesterday afternoon/evening I went through all of the search history since our relationship began…. Cody lied to me this whole time. I really don’t want to get into how many times he went to porn and stuff but when we first met, there was nothing really, and then a moderate amount in october, a lot in november and december. January was when I caught the suicide girls on his history and that’s when we had that break down. That’s when he promised he wouldn’t do it anymore…but he did… only a couple times, much less. April 18th I showed him that article, and that really changed a lot, and he had the half misstep that I mentioned in my post from yesterday.

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It’s the lies that hurt the most. We both broke down yesterday. I mean a full on mental break down, Cody even had to be in the bathroom because he thought he was going to puke. But everything is out in the open, no more secrets.

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Cody and I worked out a plan on how to handle this. No I am not leaving him, but that doesn’t mean if he doesn’t get his act together that I will stay. I’ve let him know what I am willing to deal with and what are official deal breakers with his addiction. He took a sick day at work. I already took monday off and was exhausted today, and had Cody come with me to babysit so he could drive because I was too tired and didn’t want to drive if I wasn’t at my best with a kid in the car. The mom wasn’t happy and now I don’t know if I have that job anymore…

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Things are very stressful right now, but Cody and I are trying to stay strong, and he is getting help and starting recovery. One thing that made me see that he is ready is that when I showed him today a picture of a specific girl he looked up months and months ago, he told me later when we were discussing aspects of addiction, that seeing the picture triggered him. Also, with my anorexia I refer to it as Ed, a separate person from me. With Cody’s addiction we call him Dick. So Cody said that Dick was telling him that he should look at the girl and watch video’s but Cody fought off the thought. But the thing that matters is that Cody told me about it the second he realized he had that thought. He was honest for the first time and that gives me hope.

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Anyways…praying that I don’t lose my job and that Cody stays honest and that things work out…

XOXO Anna

Talked

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I am calmer, and I wrote Cody a letter. Cody just left, and he came home for his lunch break and we talked. Cody mainly cried. He walked through the door with a bouquet of red and white roses (my favorite) and he didn’t even get a sentence out before he started crying and he pulled out replacement ring set for the one he got since the black was coming off, and we wanted them to stay nice for fancy occasions. I saw how upset he was and he admitted he had a problem and really wanted help this time. The “porn” he looked at wasn’t actual girls which I was thankful for but like star wars or animated stuff… which was strange to see and honestly obviously less threatening. But still doesn’t make up for him lying.

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One reader, Jeff, has commented on many of my posts and has given great advice and feedback, and I decided that Cody and I should go to an AA meeting since there is no S-Anon meetings in our area. I told Cody that when he said alcohol at the meetings he would in his head be saying porn. I think it might help him to go and talk and it will help me too. My drinking has honestly been really good lately, I haven’t even wanted alcohol for the past couple weeks. I rather have tea or coffee.

But I’ll post the letter I wrote to Cody just so you guys understand what was said from my half.

Dear Jerk, oh whoops, I meant Cody,

So much for you being different than the other shitty guys I’ve had. I really thought you were different. My bad. Maybe I was too naive and hopeful, thinking I could get a happy ending. Let’s be real, my life was shit, it’s shit now, and my future will be shit as well. Doesn’t matter if I stay with you or find someone else, it’s still shit. See this is why I was going to have my life with me, my child, and my dog all alone. No one could hurt me then. If my life got fucked it was because of me. Not because of some random asshole who comes into my life and tears it a part.

Sorry, had to get that anger out. Anyways, back to the real point. You are a liar. The one thing I don’t tolerate and the thing I hate. Fuck. That police class didn’t do shit. I couldn’t fucking tell that you were lying to me for a month. Guess it’s a good thing I’m not going to be a police officer.

I think the worst part is you were actually convincing me to trust you again. Why do you think I still jump on you every time something happens? It’s because deep down I figured it would happen and if I jumped on you enough then maybe it wouldn’t happen. Maybe, just maybe, you would care. You wouldn’t be selfish. You would actually care about me. Care about my feelings. Care that when you look up porn it literally shreds my heart into a million pieces that I then have to pick up and tape back together. I still only had maybe half of my heart rebuilt. Now my heart is completely re-torn apart and the pieces that were already torn apart aren’t even salvageable anymore it seems.

Why. Why oh why oh why do you lie? Do you like hurting me? Are you secretly another sociopath that loves to reek havoc in my life? Are you a wolf in sheeps clothing? Have I been deceived for a whole year? Or is this just you being a generic asshole of a guy who is too selfish to care about anything but his own needs and feelings? To me, right now, you are looking pretty damn bad to me. You’re lucky we’ve had so many good times or I’d be gone right now, hell I would have been gone after the first time.

Why do I stay with you you asked at work? I stay because real relationships are not perfect and you don’t bail on those you love, you don’t bail on family. Sadly that’s what I’ve come to think of you as. Family. Which makes this all the more painful. I rather have those asshole guys from Savannah hurt me again because it wouldn’t be half as bad as the way you’ve made me feel when you betray me with lie after lie. You know Rachael told me I should leave you. I told her I couldn’t. She said I could and I wasn’t trapped. It’s true though. I could leave right now, and never turn back, start fucking any guy who shows interest and go on the path I was going on before I met you. But you see that doesn’t seem right.

Cody, we have built a life together. A life together. I would never risk losing it, yet here you are, a year in and still willing to risk everything…for what? For what, Cody? For some fake chick with huge tits and a big ass? Do you see why I continue to want surgery? Do you see why I continue to be with Ed. Ed is safer than you. That’s what I feel. That’s why I haven’t given Ed up. He keeps me from being with someone who will hurt me. Who does hurt me. Ed can be irrational, and very stupid, but at the end of the day he looks out for me and protects me from getting too close and getting hurt. That’s why he hates you. He hates you because you hurt me. He hates you because you’re trying to take him away from me. He doesn’t like that you’ve hurt me, and is trying to save me from a life I will regret. That is why Ed is still here.

Cody, I love you, I do. It’s just so simple. You don’t love me. You don’t even care about me. I feel so stupid and blind. I’ve spent at least $1,000 on you, and I do everything I can to make you happy. Yet here you are, forgetting about me, forgetting promises, forgetting presents for anniversaries, forgetting to have foreplay, and it goes on and on. I think you’re actually quite selfish. I think you’re a nice guy, to a degree, but you are selfish and that is one of your worst qualities. If we are ever going to make this work, you need to stop being selfish and be honest.

Do you see why I haven’t believed you when you say we’ve made progress, or we’ve come so far, or you love me, or things are different. Things aren’t different. We are back in January and December. We just lost all that progress we, or I, worked for. Yes I. I worked for us. You didn’t. You’re complacent. Or, you just think you can get away with treating me like crap because I’m nice and won’t leave. Well Cody, let me tell you this, I will leave. I will leave you if you lie to me again. I don’t want to. It will kill me to leave you and the life we’ve built. You’re not only killing me, but hurting Luvas, and now our baby Emily. She loves you so much and now… if you lie again you lose us all. You’ll never see us again. So if porn is worth more than three lives… well then that answers that. We mean nothing to you. That’s how I feel right now. I feel meaningless and worthless. I feel stupid. I feel angry. I feel like I want to get you back. I want to cheat or cut or burn or drink. But I’m better than that. I will stay strong because I am just that good. I care about myself and I care about our babies. I won’t let them have two parents that fail them. I will be strong and I will be great. I am great. Hell you are god damn lucky to have me. You’re also lucky I gave you so many chances. Cody, you’re not a cat and you don’t have nine lives. You’re running out of chances.

There are options right now.

  1. We go to therapy and continue living together and working on trust.
  2. I leave and go to my parents for the next two weeks and we go to therapy and we continue to trust each other.
  3. The one I really don’t want to do, which is breakup.

So I really want you to think. You need to think about whether you love me. Whether you want me. Whether you want a serious relationship. Whether you’re ready for a serious relationship. Because Cody I deserve much better than this. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve to be loved and cared about. Do you want to be the single guy who tries to hit every girl. If that’s what you want let me know, we can live here in our apartment and we can move your shitty mattress from your dad’s and you can have the living room and I’ll take the bed room and we will live civilly together but single since we are locked in this lease.

So Cody, you have some thinking to do. I hope you’ll let me know if you want to be with me or if you love me, or if you’ve been playing me the whole time. All I want at this point is some honesty and if you can’t give me that then it’s obvious that we’re done.

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Cody, before I read this letter, was crying and was very upset. Once I read the letter he went numb. I told him obviously feelings from when I wrote the letter changed but I wanted to read it to him so he knew how hurt I was and would be if this kept happening with no effort to change or be honest with me.

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Out of the three options obviously Cody wants number one. I was thinking about number 2 because in my head number 3 isn’t an option. I believe that Cody and I have worked too hard to give up on us. Plus, if we were married what would we do? Divorce? No. So I am treating this relationship seriously because it is a serious relationship. If Cody was just a fling I would have left ages ago but Cody isn’t just a fling. He is the one and will always be the one. Plus I know addiction. I burned myself only once before our friend called me and talked to me after I texted her what happened. Addiction is strong and honestly I know that giving up and walking away from someone with an addiction is the worst thing you can do. That’s another reason why I am staying, because you need a support system with addictions, and it’s not like Cody has told his friends he has an addiction to porn, nor would they understand. His guy friends would say it’s not a problem and that it’s fine.

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But after reading the letter I got Cody to talk to me a bit and then he started crying again and wouldn’t let me hug him or touch him because he thought he didn’t deserve it. I told him that was nonsense and hugged him. I told him that he should say out loud any thought that crossed his mind while he was crying and when he spoke I was shocked.

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He really hasn’t forgiven himself for any of the missteps or incidents and he is very unforgiving on himself for any hurt he has caused me. He said some things that were very sad for me to hear, because I hated hearing him so depressed and hating on himself. I know everyone makes mistakes and that addictions are hard to get through, and I know what he is feeling because I’ve been there. He reminded me so much of myself a couple years ago when I was crying because I hurt someone because of my addiction. Of course I didn’t have anyone who really stuck around and helped me through it, which made my addiction so much worse. It was only when I was about to lose someone from my addiction that I got help and changed everything, so I’m hoping that Cody is going to do the same.

XOXO Anna

I Hate Liars

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I can’t post right now, I’m too emotional and thinking it better to wait until I calm down. But I’ll give you a hint as to what I’ll post about later. Cody and his porn. May 10th. Lied for a god damn fucking month to me. How did I find out? Work computer history. It’s not the worst offense with the exact porn, but it’s the lying that is killing me. Lie after lie after lie. This is why I am a cynical fuck and don’t trust anyone. Maybe it would have been better to be single forever.

XOXO Anna

Anorexia is Kicking My Ass and Will be the Death of Me

Note: this post will most likely be written by my anorexic thoughts dominating over my logic.

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Right now Anorexia is winning. Last night Anorexia was winning too.I went to Marshalls while the girl I babysit was at swim practice. I tried on clothes, and I found black shorts that fit. Maybe it was the mirror but I hated myself. I hated my looks. I couldn’t stand looking at my reflection.

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At the moment I am thinking I am really fat. The logic part of my mind knows I’m not, but I’m not tone. That bothers me. I am not skinny mini model pretty. I want to be skinny again. I want to be attractive. I feel so gross. I feel like I shouldn’t eat for two weeks. If I even do eat I feel like it should be only a chicken caesar salad, or broccoli, or string beans, or an apple, or a banana. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel so down I wanna …either cut or well you know..die, but I am not stupid I wouldn’t commit suicide. Though if I did get to a certain weight I’m sure that I wouldn’t be able to cope. I just wanna be sexy or hot. Which I guess I’m not. Ethan never described me as that, though Spencer told me that Hot was a demeaning term and I should be thankful Ethan described me as beautiful and attractive.

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I just never had that hot look and I guess that bothers me because I do struggle with the fact that I am not merely a sexual object for a guy and I am actually a person. I should know I’m worth more than just my looks but I guess I’m scared that without my looks I wouldn’t be loved. Or I would thus be unlovable. I know, irrational, but this is the way my anorexic mind thinks. Right now my anorexic mind is killing me. I even pulled out my Anorexic journal last night to remind myself of how to starve myself. There were some things in there that my logic brain was shocked to read, but my anorexic mind was sinking its claws into it, not letting go. All I can think about is how I am not good enough compared to other girls. I am torturing myself. I am in my own personal hell. A prisoner of my own twisted and warped mind. I wouldn’t wish Anorexia on my worst enemy. It’s a real killer.

XOXO Anna

Stress, Cutting, and Moving Out

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It’s been a hectic couple days. Since last friday I’ve been dead tired and dizzy…all the time. I have felt like I’ve been in a dream like state, which freaks me out. Today is the first day I feel like slightly better. Then I had an exam on tuesday, so I was stressing for that. I went home early because I was so exhausted and slept the rest of that day away.

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Cody went to parkour, and my parents told me that Cody and I have to move out because India might be coming home and she refuses to come home if Cody is living there. So Cody and I have found some places we want to look at. This saturday we are going to look at a house, a house. It’s multifamily, but I think the owner lives on the first floor and then if we got the house we would get the second floor, a balcony, deck, and the attic. The description says it is a 2-3 bedroom so we would have plenty of space.

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But back to my parents telling me India might be coming home, things were stressful. See I have tried to figure out so many things I could do for Cody’s birthday and each plan keeps falling apart. So because India might come home, what I wanted to do for Cody can’t happen…at least not the way I wanted it to, and I ends dup crying over it and my dad apologized because he knows how much I’ve put into it- or was putting into it. There were some other things going on tuesday that were stressing me out, and I was extremely depressed over India possibly coming home. It’s not because I don’t want her to come home, because I miss her a lot, but because it means Cody and I have to move out within six weeks essentially. So moving, finals, and everything else…it’s just overwhelming. So I took a bath and grabbed the safety pin and cut before I even thought about what I was doing.

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When Cody got home he wasn’t happy and asked me why I did it. I explained and we talked and everything. We ended up arguing a little later but made up. I yelled at him and he made a comment about my cutting. We both did things wrong but apologized and made up.

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Cody was thinking about getting a second job possibly if need be. I personally would hate it if he had to do that, but again, Cody really wants to be able to financially support us, it’s important to him that he is capable of doing that. I don’t think I posted about Serena’s party, but it was not fun. I was exhausted. But see, Cody told me that to him, he felt like he can’t give me an engagement ring until he feels he can financially support us and that we are stable. To most women maybe it’s not romantic, but to me it was the sweetest thing to hear. I couldn’t believe he felt like he didn’t deserve to marry me if he couldn’t support us financially. I thought it was ridiculous, but I could understand where he was coming from and how he grew up. But it was super sweet because that meant he was serious about marriage and wasn’t taking it lightly. He was really thinking about the reality of it and such, which made me happy. I’ve thought about marriage in the reality way of finances, living situations, career, school etc. and how we would handle all that. I was so happy to see Cody was thinking with the same level of seriousness and maturity.

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But it’s been a stressful week. I hope that this house we see is good because it would be a freaking dream if it was good and worked out. My parents however are being… stubborn? I understand that they have been very understanding about Cody and I living in the attic of their house and financially supporting me with school and such, but they told me they wouldn’t co-sign for any place Cody and I move, and they said Cody’s dad would have to co-sign. So Cody has to mention that to his dad. I just feel like I’ll be less stressed once I know our living situation is secured. I don’t want to feel like we are going to be kicked out with no place to live.

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I feel like instead of having the time to plan our move and everything it is now rushed, which is where my stress is coming from. Before this all happened Cody and I had a plan to move out by next winter, which was nice because it meant Cody had more time to save for rent, and Cody seemed to think prices would be better in winter because no one wants to move when it’s snowing. But life threw us a curve ball, and we are handling it. Cody is completely calm and collected, and I have to say I admire him for that because I am so stressed by this. But then again that is where our personalities differ, which is fine because he keeps me relaxed but I remind him of the realities and that we need to make decisions in a timely manner. But the one thing that made me practically tear up was when Cody said that the only thing that mattered to him was that wherever we moved he wanted to make sure I was safe. He wanted to make sure that he didn’t have to worry about me if I was in the house or apartment alone without him because of crime and such. It was so sweet to hear him say that he would live in a shittier apartment if I was safe because it was a god neighborhood.

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Fingers crossed about this house this saturday, and if not this house, then one of the apartments we will see! Also at the moment I have A’s in all my classes!

XOXO Anna

Improvement, Cody’s Friends, and Sister Drama

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Cody and I had a serious talk as I mentioned and honestly it helped. Cody didn’t go LARPing last weekend. He stayed with me when I asked him to stay. I honestly wasn’t okay, and am so thankful for him to be here. Cody really showed me he was putting in the effort and cared about me by skipping LARP. It really means the world to me. We also had an amazing night going to Stop n Shop together and cooking last weekend. We cuddled, watched TV, and had an amazing time. We also didn’t have sex that weekend but we did other stuff and honestly I felt better doing that than sex at that moment.

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I saw some of Cody’s friends last Saturday. I can’t explain now but I will explain down the line why I was with them. But it was awesome to see them. Things are turning around. I honestly really do have hope about Cody and I getting better now. Him skipping LARP showed me that he really does care and love me.

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This whole week Cody has been amazing in showing me he loves me by just grabbing ginger ale if we are out or giving me a massage surprisingly, or us having sex when I didn’t even expect it which was nice. Cody and I are really actually finally in a good place.

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I am also seeing more of Cody’s friends today, again it’s the thing I can’t mention yet, but then later tonight Cody and I have to go to Serena’s birthday dinner bar hopping thing. Not looking forward to that because we have to drive a half hour to go do that.

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So India and I talked yesterday and she said that since Christmas our whole relationship had been fake. That hurt, because I’ve honestly been trying to show her I care and love her by calling or texting every week and talking about her life and such. It really hurt and I had the urge to cut but I didn’t. I just hope that India and I do actually make up.

XOXO Anna