I am calmer, and I wrote Cody a letter. Cody just left, and he came home for his lunch break and we talked. Cody mainly cried. He walked through the door with a bouquet of red and white roses (my favorite) and he didn’t even get a sentence out before he started crying and he pulled out replacement ring set for the one he got since the black was coming off, and we wanted them to stay nice for fancy occasions. I saw how upset he was and he admitted he had a problem and really wanted help this time. The “porn” he looked at wasn’t actual girls which I was thankful for but like star wars or animated stuff… which was strange to see and honestly obviously less threatening. But still doesn’t make up for him lying.
One reader, Jeff, has commented on many of my posts and has given great advice and feedback, and I decided that Cody and I should go to an AA meeting since there is no S-Anon meetings in our area. I told Cody that when he said alcohol at the meetings he would in his head be saying porn. I think it might help him to go and talk and it will help me too. My drinking has honestly been really good lately, I haven’t even wanted alcohol for the past couple weeks. I rather have tea or coffee.
But I’ll post the letter I wrote to Cody just so you guys understand what was said from my half.
Dear Jerk, oh whoops, I meant Cody,
So much for you being different than the other shitty guys Iâve had. I really thought you were different. My bad. Maybe I was too naive and hopeful, thinking I could get a happy ending. Letâs be real, my life was shit, itâs shit now, and my future will be shit as well. Doesnât matter if I stay with you or find someone else, itâs still shit. See this is why I was going to have my life with me, my child, and my dog all alone. No one could hurt me then. If my life got fucked it was because of me. Not because of some random asshole who comes into my life and tears it a part.
Sorry, had to get that anger out. Anyways, back to the real point. You are a liar. The one thing I donât tolerate and the thing I hate. Fuck. That police class didnât do shit. I couldnât fucking tell that you were lying to me for a month. Guess itâs a good thing Iâm not going to be a police officer.
I think the worst part is you were actually convincing me to trust you again. Why do you think I still jump on you every time something happens? Itâs because deep down I figured it would happen and if I jumped on you enough then maybe it wouldnât happen. Maybe, just maybe, you would care. You wouldnât be selfish. You would actually care about me. Care about my feelings. Care that when you look up porn it literally shreds my heart into a million pieces that I then have to pick up and tape back together. I still only had maybe half of my heart rebuilt. Now my heart is completely re-torn apart and the pieces that were already torn apart arenât even salvageable anymore it seems.
Why. Why oh why oh why do you lie? Do you like hurting me? Are you secretly another sociopath that loves to reek havoc in my life? Are you a wolf in sheeps clothing? Have I been deceived for a whole year? Or is this just you being a generic asshole of a guy who is too selfish to care about anything but his own needs and feelings? To me, right now, you are looking pretty damn bad to me. Youâre lucky weâve had so many good times or Iâd be gone right now, hell I would have been gone after the first time.
Why do I stay with you you asked at work? I stay because real relationships are not perfect and you donât bail on those you love, you donât bail on family. Sadly thatâs what Iâve come to think of you as. Family. Which makes this all the more painful. I rather have those asshole guys from Savannah hurt me again because it wouldnât be half as bad as the way youâve made me feel when you betray me with lie after lie. You know Rachael told me I should leave you. I told her I couldnât. She said I could and I wasnât trapped. Itâs true though. I could leave right now, and never turn back, start fucking any guy who shows interest and go on the path I was going on before I met you. But you see that doesnât seem right.
Cody, we have built a life together. A life together. I would never risk losing it, yet here you are, a year in and still willing to risk everythingâĤfor what? For what, Cody? For some fake chick with huge tits and a big ass? Do you see why I continue to want surgery? Do you see why I continue to be with Ed. Ed is safer than you. Thatâs what I feel. Thatâs why I havenât given Ed up. He keeps me from being with someone who will hurt me. Who does hurt me. Ed can be irrational, and very stupid, but at the end of the day he looks out for me and protects me from getting too close and getting hurt. Thatâs why he hates you. He hates you because you hurt me. He hates you because you’re trying to take him away from me. He doesnât like that youâve hurt me, and is trying to save me from a life I will regret. That is why Ed is still here.
Cody, I love you, I do. Itâs just so simple. You donât love me. You donât even care about me. I feel so stupid and blind. Iâve spent at least $1,000 on you, and I do everything I can to make you happy. Yet here you are, forgetting about me, forgetting promises, forgetting presents for anniversaries, forgetting to have foreplay, and it goes on and on. I think youâre actually quite selfish. I think youâre a nice guy, to a degree, but you are selfish and that is one of your worst qualities. If we are ever going to make this work, you need to stop being selfish and be honest.
Do you see why I havenât believed you when you say weâve made progress, or weâve come so far, or you love me, or things are different. Things arenât different. We are back in January and December. We just lost all that progress we, or I, worked for. Yes I. I worked for us. You didnât. Youâre complacent. Or, you just think you can get away with treating me like crap because Iâm nice and wonât leave. Well Cody, let me tell you this, I will leave. I will leave you if you lie to me again. I donât want to. It will kill me to leave you and the life weâve built. Youâre not only killing me, but hurting Luvas, and now our baby Emily. She loves you so much and nowâĤ if you lie again you lose us all. Youâll never see us again. So if porn is worth more than three livesâĤ well then that answers that. We mean nothing to you. Thatâs how I feel right now. I feel meaningless and worthless. I feel stupid. I feel angry. I feel like I want to get you back. I want to cheat or cut or burn or drink. But Iâm better than that. I will stay strong because I am just that good. I care about myself and I care about our babies. I wonât let them have two parents that fail them. I will be strong and I will be great. I am great. Hell you are god damn lucky to have me. Youâre also lucky I gave you so many chances. Cody, youâre not a cat and you donât have nine lives. Youâre running out of chances.
There are options right now.
- We go to therapy and continue living together and working on trust.
- I leave and go to my parents for the next two weeks and we go to therapy and we continue to trust each other.
- The one I really donât want to do, which is breakup.
So I really want you to think. You need to think about whether you love me. Whether you want me. Whether you want a serious relationship. Whether youâre ready for a serious relationship. Because Cody I deserve much better than this. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve to be loved and cared about. Do you want to be the single guy who tries to hit every girl. If thatâs what you want let me know, we can live here in our apartment and we can move your shitty mattress from your dadâs and you can have the living room and Iâll take the bed room and we will live civilly together but single since we are locked in this lease.
So Cody, you have some thinking to do. I hope youâll let me know if you want to be with me or if you love me, or if youâve been playing me the whole time. All I want at this point is some honesty and if you canât give me that then itâs obvious that weâre done.
Cody, before I read this letter, was crying and was very upset. Once I read the letter he went numb. I told him obviously feelings from when I wrote the letter changed but I wanted to read it to him so he knew how hurt I was and would be if this kept happening with no effort to change or be honest with me.
Out of the three options obviously Cody wants number one. I was thinking about number 2 because in my head number 3 isn’t an option. I believe that Cody and I have worked too hard to give up on us. Plus, if we were married what would we do? Divorce? No. So I am treating this relationship seriously because it is a serious relationship. If Cody was just a fling I would have left ages ago but Cody isn’t just a fling. He is the one and will always be the one. Plus I know addiction. I burned myself only once before our friend called me and talked to me after I texted her what happened. Addiction is strong and honestly I know that giving up and walking away from someone with an addiction is the worst thing you can do. That’s another reason why I am staying, because you need a support system with addictions, and it’s not like Cody has told his friends he has an addiction to porn, nor would they understand. His guy friends would say it’s not a problem and that it’s fine.
But after reading the letter I got Cody to talk to me a bit and then he started crying again and wouldn’t let me hug him or touch him because he thought he didn’t deserve it. I told him that was nonsense and hugged him. I told him that he should say out loud any thought that crossed his mind while he was crying and when he spoke I was shocked.
He really hasn’t forgiven himself for any of the missteps or incidents and he is very unforgiving on himself for any hurt he has caused me. He said some things that were very sad for me to hear, because I hated hearing him so depressed and hating on himself. I know everyone makes mistakes and that addictions are hard to get through, and I know what he is feeling because I’ve been there. He reminded me so much of myself a couple years ago when I was crying because I hurt someone because of my addiction. Of course I didn’t have anyone who really stuck around and helped me through it, which made my addiction so much worse. It was only when I was about to lose someone from my addiction that I got help and changed everything, so I’m hoping that Cody is going to do the same.
XOXO Anna