Coursera

I crave knowledge, it’s just always been a thing with me. So what do I do while out of school? Sign up for online courses! I am taking Intro to American Law, and the course is technically over this weekend, so I have a lot of catching up to do, which is fine by me. Then I also signed up for Introduction to Human Behavioral Genetics.

Hopefully this will make me feel like I’m not wasting my time while out of school. Also got in touch with my therapist, and I’ll be seeing her on friday. I am not thrilled to be going because I’ll have to tell her about Owen and being raped. I just feel shitty about it.

I wonder how Quick Silver and Andy are doing. Today was first day of classes for Spring Quarter so… yeah. I just have no idea what I’m going to do with all this free time…

XOXO Anna

It’s my last day…

Today is my last day at my school. That is crazy to think about. I still have my detective presentation later today, which I still need to prepare for… 😛 But I’m not sure how I feel about leaving. I mean, positive, obviously, but also a bit sad. The most prominent feeling, is freedom. I feel like I have a future. That’s the best feeling.

XOXO Anna

Need an editor

So my teacher looked at it and told me I need a real editor which I already knew. She got me contacted with a senior who TA’s a class of editors so my project is being saved! I am so fucking thankful because I have no knowledge in editing plus, just as writers can’t edit their own work, directors can’t edit their own work.

XOXO Anna

Planning on showing my teacher my film today

I edited it all over the weekend. I am nervous to show my teacher because I have no idea if the film is any good or not. My sister, who watches brilliant films said it was terrible. My parents said, that she was just comparing my film to those films. My parents said they liked it and thought it was good since it’s my first attempt at this. Hopefully my teacher agrees with my parents.

XOXO Anna

Poster for AMY

So I had some free time after editing the pilot and made this as a poster if the series was actually going to be made. What do you guys think?

***This is a poster for a script and in no way condones suicide. If you are suicidal call the national suicide prevention lifeline 1 (800) 273-8255. ***

XOXO Anna

Got my Suicidal Friend into AA

I got him to go to AA with me this evening. He thanked me and said he was going to continue going!

XOXO Anna

Auditions – Day 2

Auditions have gone well!

I know who will be playing Lucius and who will be playing Amy. It’s just figuring out who will be playing Derek…

Super excited about filming this! Still have to find a crew though

XOXO Anna

So tired…

So today I woke up expecting to get coffee with Owen, but then I texted him around 20 minutes before we were supposed to meet no answer. I then texted him that I figured he couldn’t make it, and I’d be running errands with my sister. He then replied he was just waking up. I said for us to meet at 2 instead, and he agreed. Later he texted, to see if we could try later in the day. I said sure. Then at 2 he texted me that he and his friend were running to grab paint, and said if I wanted to come by to hang out, talk and paint. I replied that my sister and I were about to go downtown, and he said okay hun. So I feel idk… I mean, it was a test in way, to see if he was someone I could ever call on for help.

Anyways, so my sister and I hung out downtown and I ended up getting crazy exhausted and came back for a nap. I just woke up, and am still tired. We went to the docs the other day, and I’m going to be getting blood work done on tuesday to see if there’s something they missed. So yeah, kinda just feeling under the weather in general.

XOXO Anna

Shot my monologue today!

So my scene partner Gus had to leave early to get to something else, so he was the first to go, and I followed after. My scene took maybe 4-6 takes. She took me outside and told me to focus on a time when I had to disappoint my sister, or confess something to her, since she is the person I would hate to disappoint the most. Then after that take my teacher asked me to talk about what was going through my head.

“I am sorry Gus, I know you have somewhere to be,” I said and started crying. My teacher cleared the room so it was her, Gus, and me, and told me to continue speaking my thoughts. Once I was really emotional, she rolled the camera, and told me to do my monologue. I ended up doing a great take, and by the end when she called cut I couldn’t stop crying, and was crying for real. I was partially humiliated, but Gus gave me a hug and so did the teacher. I was allowed to go home after that because of how emotional the scene made me.

It was strange because I really held eye contact for most of my monologue with Gus. I even held eye contact for when I said, “I love you so much.”

That line was very hard for me to say because I made a promise to myself that I would never say “I love you” in a serious romantic way again unless the guy said it. Now I know it was my character saying it, but I haven’t said the words “I love you” in a long time. So for me to say those words in a serious way for the first time since my freshman year of college was extremely hard. I remember thinking about how awkward I felt saying “I love you” to this classmate who is playing a character. It just seemed strange, but Gus was a good scene partner to play off of. I swear if I had a different scene partner it would have been so much more difficult.

But honestly I think I couldn’t really cry and get into the scene because I was in my head saying there are classmates watching you, and crying is a sign of weakness. Because once the room was clear and it was only Gus, the teacher, and me, I let myself feel and be true. I do still feel “weak” about crying for real after the scene ended in front of Gus. I don’t think he would judge me for that but I still feel awkward. I barely know this guy, and I’ve cried real tears in front of him. I couldn’t even cry in front of Quick Silver when I was cutting Ethan out of my life, and god, did I want to cry. I don’t ever want to cry in front of Quick Silver or Andy. I don’t want them to see me as weak or emotional. But anyways, I was debating on texting Gus and saying sorry about crying but I felt that was also stupid. I’m just going to let it slide, and when I see him next in class I’ll thank him for staying and apologize for actually losing it.

XOXO Anna

It’s been a hectic week!

This week started off decently, and then quickly everything seemed to pile on top of each other. My sister is back in town, can’t remember if I mentioned that, but she is back until sunday. She loves Luvas! She thinks he is the most adorable cat, which he kind of is! 😛

But I am skipping my classes today. Why, you may ask?

1. My eating fell apart this week, and I haven’t had one day this week where I get two good meals in a day. So today I am taking off classes to get back on a normal eating schedule to refuel.
2. The amount of homework I have has made me overwhelmed. I haven’t even done the reading for my detective class later, so I am spending the day doing my reading. Rehearsing my monologue and memorizing it, and then hopefully more brainstorming on a we series I need to come up with for my preproduction class.

Then tomorrow we are having Acting 1, when normally fridays our school has no classes. We are doing our make up class for Martin Luther King day tomorrow instead of next friday. So that’s why I have to have my monologue memorized, because we are shooting it tomorrow.

Then after my class tomorrow, because I was assigned to Practicum, which is something for theatre kids, I have to go to a mandatory training I missed last week because of the funeral. I was assigned paint crew, and have to train tomorrow and I can’t remember how long it is, but I think it’s long. So my whole friday was eaten up by unexpected classes and training.

Also, Quick Silver came over last night to see Luvas. It was hysterical! I had no idea Quick Silver wasn’t much of a cat person, and his facial expressions when Luvas would get close to him were priceless!

Quick Silver is also taking Acting for Camera 1 but with a different teacher later on the same day I have Acting for Camera 1. So I rehearsed my monologue in front of him and my sister, and for some reason I couldn’t cry when rehearsing it. Quick Silver said I didn’t have to cry, but I was angry because earlier in class yesterday I killed it! My teacher said I did an amazing job, and we didn’t much work and could have filmed it. My scene partner couldn’t rehearse yesterday so that’s why I was so desperate to rehearse it when Quick Silver came over.

Owen texted me last night when Quick Silver was over, and I told him I got a cat, and he told me he was allergic. That was awkward because I told him to come over to see Luvas. I also printed out a certificate for Luvas saying he is an Emotional Support Animal, so I have to turn that in today.

I just want everything to calm down. Maybe it’s because school has just started and my sister has been in and out of town, and I just got a cat…idk.

Oh! Quick Silver helped me get rid of Ethan on other social media things. Even though I deleted Ethan’s number, he still was snap chatting me, and liking my instagram posts. So Quick Silver figured out how to get Ethan off of snap chat for me, and I unfollowed Ethan on instagram. I didn’t realize how hard it was to cut someone out of your life. But truly it is hard.

And what got me to cry during the monologue- which is The Fault in Our Stars, when Hazel is giving Augustus his eulogy at his fake funeral- when the script says “I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity” that’s when I think about me and Ethan and our wonderful time together in the past, and I think about how I have now lost Ethan or the Ethan I knew and how heart breaking it is for me. I also think about our family friend who died from cancer during this monologue, and that gets me to cry too.

XOXO Anna

Quick Silver and I got closer!

Last night I went over to Quick Silvers. Andy was also there for a bit. So we all just chilled for a while, but then Quick Silver kicked Andy out and Quick Silver and I really talked about everything that’s been going on. We talked about Ramone, and we talked about Ethan.

I didn’t want Andy to hear about Ethan because Andy, on my birthday, told me not to contact Ethan again. I however, because of the funeral, didn’t want to regret not talking to Ethan if one of us should die randomly.

So I talked to Ethan. And he still doesn’t believe me or Monster and is sticking with indifference and staying neutral.

Quick Silver said that’s not a good friend. Quick Silver helped me delete Ethan and Eric’s numbers from my phone. It was scary to delete Ethan’s number. It meant it was real, that I was officially starting the process of cutting him out of my life.

Ironically I bumped into Ethan and the friend who couldn’t make it to my bday dinner. She invited me to lunch tomorrow a couple days ago, and I finally told her I could go. She was like, “Ethan and I are also having lunch, but now it can be the three of us.” It was really strange, because Ethan and I were talking and I totally forgot I had deleted his number until our friend said all of us could get lunch. See, I guess I forgot that I had deleted Ethan’s number because I simply thought oh, I bumped into Ethan, let’s have small talk. I didn’t think it would lead to him, her, and me all hanging out.

I don’t know what to do. I texted Quick Silver and explained what happened today, and I don’t wanna be a burden or stupid or something but I kinda do…

Also Quick Silver and I were talking about Ramone and all that. We talked about relationships and friendships in general. I came to some epiphanies, I guess. Part of me has this tiny crush on Quick Silver and I hate it! I really do. It sucks haha, but I can ignore it. I enjoy Quick Silver as a friend for sure! Like even though he is physically like gorgeous, I wouldn’t ever actually try anything with him ever. The only thing I should be focusing on is school- and my dog which I am planning to get soon! Like within the next week or so.

XOXO Anna

My Date with Ramone…

Well can I say fuck me royally?

He ended up getting a flat on the way and was late, but then we grabbed coffee and tea, and walked around for a bit and then we went back to my place. We started watching Dexter but soon were making out, and then one thing led to another…and now I’ve had sex with him.

Fuck. I so didn’t mean for that one to happen. I really honestly thought all I would do is make out with him at most.

I can’t tell if I feel guilty or bad or just plain like trash. I know that those aren’t supposed to be the feelings you feel with sex, so that makes me annoyed. It was a one night stand. something I really tend not to do. I think I just feel bad because I had sex with someone who doesn’t want more? Or at least I feel like he doesn’t.

All I know is I feel like I stupidly had expectations. Is it wrong for me to think a guy might want more than one date? Or actually like me as a person? I guess I feel like shit because lately all I feel like I am to a guy is “a piece of ass.” I guess my mistake was sleeping with him. My mistake was actually being attracted to him. My mistake was actually hoping that maybe he wanted more than just a fuck. IDK he said he’d text me or something sometime.

This is why I gave up on guys and romance. Maybe I’m just going low because I was high earlier. Not high as in stoned, high as in mood. I actually was hopeful. The date seemed promising until we jumped into bed. I think my problem is that I think if I don’t give the guy what he wants he will walk away. The real problem is I give the guy what he wants and then he walks away. So it was my mistake, it’s on me for sleeping with someone.

But I will admit this, there were moments where when we had sex, it felt safe, no judgement. It was a feeling I haven’t had in a long time. I think that’s why this one hurts. It hurts because I lost something I used to have. With Andy I didn’t feel what I just felt with Ramone. With Owen I sure as hell didn’t feel what I just felt with Ramone. I guess I just got a taste of what I’ve been looking for, and now I am sure after today it’s gone.

XOXO Anna

A potential reality TV show!

So I was interviewed by someone at a company my friends works at. The show deals with romance, ex’s and second chances.

I had to talk about an Ex I would want a second chance with. Honestly, I don’t want a second chance with ANY of them! But I had to choose so I, of course, went with Ethan. Honestly I had the best memories with him out of all the ex’s, and he was the one who meant the most to me. So it was very interesting having to talk about him and romance after all this time, but it was fun! I hope they use my clip if the show does get produced. That would be pretty amazing!

Honestly I wish I could have talked about Owen because that would have felt more natural. I don’t particularly have romantic feelings for Owen, but I sure as hell think he is hot. But then again, talking about Ethan gave them real depth and intrigue I guess because there would be “more on the line.”

Just another typical friday! 😛

XOXO Anna

Birthday Dinner!

I rushed home after my 5-7:30 and I got ready, dressed in this blue tight sexy dress, with a gorgeous black and silver necklace and little stripy black heels, and as my sister and I are walking out the door, Quick Silver texts me that he and Andy were at the restaurant!

I ended up speeding there, and then we all laughed about it and sat down for Hibachi. Andy and Quick Silver had their amazing dynamic going, and they were quite entertaining to listen to. But it also reminded me that I didn’t anyone who was that close to me, or who knew me that well- anymore.

I half way struggled to eat. I definitely held back with eating because of my skin tight dress, but I enjoyed what I did eat. I got a text from Ethan and our friend that she couldn’t make it and that he was still up for coming over to my place after to stop by. I got really sad at that, but I had a feeling she would cancel and then Ethan would offer to still see me.

Andy asked about Shaggy and I told him that it was to never be mentioned. He took me aside to talk to me about it, and I told him what happened with Shaggy and then it got onto the topic of Ethan and Eric and Monster and everything. I told Andy that he and Quick Silver were all that I really had at the moment. Andy was like, “well damn I’ll invite you to hang with me and Quick Silver more often then.”

Andy is good at making me feel better, that’s definitely one of his skills- cheering me or anyone up. We went back to the table and finished our dinner. I paid for everyone and we were parting ways when I said I was going to text Ethan. Andy was like, “no.” I replied, “I am.” Andy and I ended up having an hour talk outside in the cold while Quick Silver and my sister went to Andy’s girlfriends car.

Andy convinced me I didn’t need toxic relationships like Ethan in my life. I told Andy what Ethan said about Monster and questioning whether Monster raped me or not, and Andy was not happy to hear that. Andy put his foot down and said I really shouldn’t forgive someone for saying that. I still need to give Ethan his Christmas present, and I really wanted to try to work things out, but I honestly am not sure what I’m doing. I think I need some real space though.

I got like five hugs from Andy because of all the false goodbyes and then starting to talk again. I told Andy I was waiting for Quick Silver to give me a hug goodbye and Andy was like, “He is just completely oblivious.” So when we officially did say goodbye, Andy was like, “Quick Silver get out of the car and give Anna a hug.”

I thought Quick Silver was going to give one of those quick hugs, but he didn’t and I started pulling away before he did, but once I realized he wasn’t I went back in for the hug. It was ah idk… but I stupidly remember why I was attracted to him in the first place. So that kinda sucks because I really want Andy and Quick Silver as my friends and I don’t want to do anything to screw that up.

XOXO Anna

It’s my 21 Birthday!!! =D

I absolutely love birthdays! My family has always made a big deal out of them for any family member. My birthdays since I’ve gone to college however haven’t been good. My freshman year, I ended up being completely alone on my birthday. My sophomore year, I was in treatment, so I was home which was nice, but I was in treatment- plus Monster broke up with me the day before hand.

This year, it’s been good so far…*fingers crossed*…. My sister and I were up until midnight last night and she wished me a happy birthday! My mom and I are always a part on my birthday because she always has a business trip that lands on my birthday, but I got a text from her this morning. Then there’s all the Facebook “Happy Birthday!” messages. I got one from a friend who is in Australia, and I really miss him dearly. Then the rest so far are the usual suspects.

Tonight’s dinner will be with my sister, Quick Silver (who we hung out with earlier this week, just forgot to mention that), and Andy. Owen had another birthday thing he was going to. Ethan couldn’t make it either because of school. But Ethan and our other friend thought that since they couldn’t make the dinner, that they could meet me and my sister afterwards for ice cream somewhere, so that made me feel happy.

I really hope my 21st birthday is one to remember!

XOXO Anna

Tonight’s Dinner

I went to group tonight practically walking in holding tears in. We went out to a mexican and sandwich restaurant. I don’t eat either of those things. We all sat down and as soon as I looked at the menu I couldn’t hold my tears in. There was nothing there that I would eat. Our therapist took me aside and helped me calm down and we agreed on ordering a dish with the understanding that if I didn’t like it I could get an Ensure.

I ended up Ensuring it. I did try it, but it was WAY too spicy for me! After dinner we went back to our building where our group is held, and we talked about food and feelings, then general issues. I ended up crying three times in the session, and other girls ended up crying too. It seems that the holidays and the start of school have really had an impact on us. We all seemed to be having similar issues and were in similar stages in recovery. I know that I was really angry today because my sister and I went to Victoria’s Secret to get new bra’s. I wasn’t happy because my bra size got bigger. I’ve always been self-conscious about my chest and I absolutely hate that it’s bigger! But part of tonight was accepting that my body will change as I get healthier.

There was this really cool journal entry that we were assigned. The question was:

“How is your relationship with food like your relationship with people?”

I really like this Journal prompt because I haven’t even thought of it before. Now that I’m thinking about it, I am still not sure how to answer the question, but look forward to actually answering it.

After group I went home and got a couple hugs from my sister and talked to my mom. I mentioned that I wanted to get a Chihuahua as an Emotional Support Animal, and she listened to me as an adult and I felt respected and an equal, which really meant a lot to me.

So even though this was a very rough Eating Disorder group it really did help me figure out where I am struggling and to know that I am not alone in the struggle.

XOXO Anna

Interview!

So I think it went well. Over all I tried to be relaxed on camera, and answer the questions honestly. But I’ve yet to see the tape…so I can only hope I did alright!

XOXO Anna

Acting for Camera 1

It’s early in the morning and I’m up again… Today in our class we are doing our interviews, and then writing our “Who am I?” essays. Our interviews are us sitting in front of the camera answering the questions the teacher throws at us. The Who Am I essay is for us to think about the roles we play in our lives.

For example, I am a daughter, a sister, a roommate, a friend, etc. and I would further expand on an explanation of each role I put down. I am excited for the essay and have been thinking about it since she talked about it on monday, but am a bit nervous to write it. No one but the teacher will see the essay, and she said if there was something written in the essay that we wanted to be kept private – in case she refers to the essay during our acting and she mentions to go to that moment in time- to write a note at the bottom stating you want certain things not to be mentioned, but to be pointed to and she would hand you the essay to refer to the moment that she wants you to draw from.

I plan to be able to give my teacher enough information so she knows the capability of the range of emotions I’ve experienced that way if I need to play that emotion during this Quarter she will know I can do it and help me get there.

XOXO Anna

Some of my favorite blogs

I’ve been on here for only about 4-5 months, and so far I’ve found a lot of blogs I really like. I am going to share with you my top five blogs that I love!

1. An Art Student With a Blog
2. One Gentleman’s Perspective
3. Bipolar Manic
4. James Michael Sama
5. HarsH ReaLiTy

Who are some of your favorite bloggers?

XOXO Anna

Preproduction

Currently in my preproduction class. It’s break. The class is making me very nervous and I am terrified yet excited for this class. We have to write a pilot by week 2 of class for a web series. Then the rest of the Quarter we work on preproduction and then actually filming it. This class is with one of my favorite teachers, but damn. This class seems intense and challenging, which is great. But it also makes me worry about time management.

XOXO Anna