Trying to Process…

There’s so much to write…at the moment I’m not exactly good. I am not in a good mental state, as in, I’m currently writing while I’ve been triggered to Monster. But before I get to that, let’s start with last night.

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Last night I had a friend come over while Cody was here. We got to catch up and talk and it was nice. Then Cody and I went to the gay bar to meet up with people. Serena was there, and we talked and we seem to be on better terms. I was drinking and having fun, dancing with Cody’s friends. There was a point in the night where I couldn’t find Cody. It was after one of his drunken friends was dancing with me a little… too closely I guess. I just felt like Cody wouldn’t have been cool with it, and I couldn’t find him. I eventually gave up and kept dancing. I later found out Cody had left the bar because one of his friends took him for a ride in his nice car. That… I don’t know. I guess I would have liked to know Cody was going to leave rather than freak out because I couldn’t find him and feel scared.

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Last night is kind of foggy because of I guess emotions and how emotional I eventually got. Things tend to blur when I get over emotional ever since my trauma’s.

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I eventually found Cody and got him on the dance floor and everyone was having fun. I don’t remember how Cody left the dance floor but he did. I remember later that night Cody was outside the gay bar with friends, while two of his guy friends were with me on the dance floor. We were having fun until it got a little too close for comfort. One guy in front of me, the other behind me, both grinding up on me. I knew Cody would not be happy with that. It made me feel uncomfortable. I got out of it after a bit and I did tell Cody.

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As people were leaving, Cody and I were going to leave. One of his girl friends, she tried to kiss me before I left. I pulled away. Cody’s mouth dropped open and begged me to kiss her. That made me feel like fucking crap. I got really angry with him. The girl friend understood where I was coming from when I told her I didn’t want to kiss her. There are many reasons I didn’t kiss her.

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  1. To me it’s cheating. I don’t care if its a guy trying to kiss me or a girl. If I do anything physical with another person it’s cheating.
  2. Cody was watching. It felt… gross. It brought up a lot of Ethan memories. (Ethan once had a chance at a threesome while we were together after Peter. He didn’t take it, but knowing that that was his fantasy made me always feel like I was never enough, so last night brought out those emotions)
  3. What if I ended up liking it? Not that it would be a bad thing, but when in a relationship there’s a reason you don’t do things like that. It can seriously fuck up a relationship.

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Cody and I talked. He apologized. I was definitely off when we got back to my house. I think we talked again a little. We were then in a good place, and we had sex. But see this time was different. Way different. The first time I felt this was when I wrote this post. That night it really hit me that I couldn’t just push away emotions and stuff.

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But last night, when Cody and I were having sex, well, let’s just say last night was my favorite time. Not to say all the other times weren’t awesome, but last night… it felt…special. And yeah, I feel like  a stupid sap for writing that and feeling that, but it was really different. Maybe because we made a lot more eye contact, or that we were talking during sex. I mean, I enjoyed that. It did make it feel more intimate. More like I’m a person. There were things said by Cody and it just…it made it so much…more meaningful. Knowing his thoughts and feelings while having sex, I mean, can it get any better than that?

I’ll mention only one thing that he said, because the other stuff, that’s just for me. I don’t want to share that with anyone else. But he told me, while we were having sex, that it wasn’t just sex, it was ….making love. *shudders*

Don’t take that shudder as in I think it’s a bad thing. It’s so not. The fact he feels that way means …a lot. I’ve felt that way since that post I wrote about my feelings that I linked earlier in this post.

See, the whole making love thing…it brings up a lot for me. Hence why I got so… idk. Hearing him say that, while having sex, well that just blew my mind. I just don’t want anyone to think I’m cheesy for the whole making love thing versus sex. It’s true though. There is a huge fucking difference between sex and making love, at least to me. Sex is sex. It’s meaningless. It’s exercise. Making love… that’s intense. Passionate. Caring. Respectful. Meaningful.

Cody finished and I didn’t. I went to the bathroom because I was seriously emotional. See, I read somewhere that what someone says during sex is meaningless because it’s said in the heat of the moment and the person may not mean what they’re saying. So, with everything Cody did say to me during sex, and with that thought that it could have been meaningless, that got me down. I was going to finish myself, and Cody came in and he said he would try and help me get there. I just couldn’t get that thought out of my head that what was said could have been meaningless so I told Cody I just didn’t want to finish.

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Cody knew something was up with me. I honestly couldn’t voice what was going on in my head for a long time. The fear of judgement or rejection just paralyzed me. I didn’t want to be looked at as emotional, and a girl, and weak, or stupid or anything else negative. I just was scared. Emotions are scary at times, as I’ve probably written many times on my blog. I eventually got Cody to figure it out because I wasn’t going to just fucking say it, I couldn’t. He got there and assured me he meant it all. That made me feel better. The reason I was so scared was because I didn’t want to hear that what he said wasn’t true, because I let myself believe it was true, until I remembered what I read about people saying things they don’t mean during sex. But it was nice to know that Cody meant everything.

We ended up going to bed at 5 AM and Cody had work today. We woke up at 9:30 this morning and went out for breakfast. I was quiet during breakfast because there were so many thoughts going through my head. I was re-playing events from last night in my head, trying to process it all. Still trying, as I’m writing this.

Breakfast this morning, Cody ate. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but he struggles to eat, not because of an eating disorder, but because he gets nauseous easily. He ate everything on his plate. I was happy that he finally was able to eat. I ate half my belgian waffle. We were driving back to my house, and Cody said he felt like he was going to puke. I asked if he needed me to pull over and at first he said no, then at a stop light he said yes. I pulled into a parking lot parked the car and Cody got out and started puking.

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That triggered me beyond belief. I had to turn my music up loud because I was triggered. I stupidly looked at Cody when he first bent over and puked. After that I was a goner. I shut my eyes, covered my ears with my hands, blasted the music and prayed for it to be over soon. If you’ve read my posts about Monster, you will know that before Monster raped me I puked. I also once was having a flashback back at school after a party one night and a friend started puking and it made my flashbacks worse. I didn’t know where I was. It was scary. So, every time I see or hear someone puke I get crazy triggered. Plus, I have anorexia, so seeing someone eat so well and then puke it up so soon after just kind of made me scared and uncomfortable.

I don’t blame Cody at all nor am I upset at him. I just feel bad that he felt so sick. I wish he hadn’t. But I am doing okay, now as I’ve written everything out. But for a while I just was so scared after the puking. I mean, Cody opened the door and touched me and I screamed. He was just asking me to get him some water, but that’s how triggered I was. Cody was late for work today, and I really hope he doesn’t get chewed out. I feel bad about that. Also with the puking, it made me want to puke, not because I wanted to get rid of food, but because seeing someone puke or hearing it makes me feel so sick. I knew though if I puked, then I’d … I don’t know, freak out even more than I already was.

So this morning hasn’t been the best… but I am doing better. I am watching Dexter right now to try to relax. I just hope Cody feels okay.  Gosh, so much has happened within the past 24 hours. Trying to process it all. Allow myself to feel. Cody helps a lot though with that. The fact that he voices his feelings, wishes, thoughts, desires, plans first makes me feel comfortable with acknowledging to myself I feel that, and then it allows myself to accept I feel it, and then I finally gather the courage to voice my feelings. So it’s a process to get me to the point where I can say what I’m feeling, but with Cody always taking lead, it really helps me. I mean, I get he knows a lot about relationships and healthy relationships and what they are supposed to be like. I am still learning what a healthy relationship is supposed to be and what it feels like. I am glad he is teaching me though.

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Sometimes I just feel like an abused puppy from an animal shelter though because I can be so skittish or shy or cautious. It took my dog Rusty a year to finally accept that we loved him and weren’t going to hit him. Abuse can really take a toll on the soul. It takes time, and reassurance, and consistency to finally break free from all the fear that one has from an abusive past. I am just glad that Cody is so good at reassuring me, and doesn’t get annoyed with me, and that he is consistent! Consistency truly is key with me, and the fact that he is consistent is probably one of the reasons why I have come this far with my progress regarding relationships, emotions, and trust.

XOXO Anna

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