Cody’s Recovery…Day 7

Yesterday we went to that AA meeting and it helped Cody a lot. It even helped me. Though we went to a car after to get drinks, I know, it was strange. Cody told me that if he was ever seen by an AA member drinking he would confess to them that his addiction is porn and that he goes to the meetings because they help him and there are no s-anon meetings in our area. I on the other hand drank two prosecco’s and got tipsy/drunk. Cody wasn’t happy, nor was I. Didn’t mean for that to happen. Not sure if we are going to AA later today or not, but I think I should if I can. Cody and I agreed that he and I will go together 3 times a week, plus our once a week couples therapy, and then after we go to the Ohio wedding at the end of the month we will get him an individual therapist.

Cody so far has been honest with me, shown that he does want to get better, and hasn’t fought me on the recovery plan. So far things are looking good. I pray they stay that way…

XOXO Anna

Lies, Truth, Addiction, and a Plan

My last post revealed one of Cody’s lies… Well yesterday afternoon/evening I went through all of the search history since our relationship began…. Cody lied to me this whole time. I really don’t want to get into how many times he went to porn and stuff but when we first met, there was nothing really, and then a moderate amount in october, a lot in november and december. January was when I caught the suicide girls on his history and that’s when we had that break down. That’s when he promised he wouldn’t do it anymore…but he did… only a couple times, much less. April 18th I showed him that article, and that really changed a lot, and he had the half misstep that I mentioned in my post from yesterday.

It’s the lies that hurt the most. We both broke down yesterday. I mean a full on mental break down, Cody even had to be in the bathroom because he thought he was going to puke. But everything is out in the open, no more secrets.

Cody and I worked out a plan on how to handle this. No I am not leaving him, but that doesn’t mean if he doesn’t get his act together that I will stay. I’ve let him know what I am willing to deal with and what are official deal breakers with his addiction. He took a sick day at work. I already took monday off and was exhausted today, and had Cody come with me to babysit so he could drive because I was too tired and didn’t want to drive if I wasn’t at my best with a kid in the car. The mom wasn’t happy and now I don’t know if I have that job anymore…

Things are very stressful right now, but Cody and I are trying to stay strong, and he is getting help and starting recovery. One thing that made me see that he is ready is that when I showed him today a picture of a specific girl he looked up months and months ago, he told me later when we were discussing aspects of addiction, that seeing the picture triggered him. Also, with my anorexia I refer to it as Ed, a separate person from me. With Cody’s addiction we call him Dick. So Cody said that Dick was telling him that he should look at the girl and watch video’s but Cody fought off the thought. But the thing that matters is that Cody told me about it the second he realized he had that thought. He was honest for the first time and that gives me hope.

Anyways…praying that I don’t lose my job and that Cody stays honest and that things work out…

XOXO Anna

Talked

I am calmer, and I wrote Cody a letter. Cody just left, and he came home for his lunch break and we talked. Cody mainly cried. He walked through the door with a bouquet of red and white roses (my favorite) and he didn’t even get a sentence out before he started crying and he pulled out replacement ring set for the one he got since the black was coming off, and we wanted them to stay nice for fancy occasions. I saw how upset he was and he admitted he had a problem and really wanted help this time. The “porn” he looked at wasn’t actual girls which I was thankful for but like star wars or animated stuff… which was strange to see and honestly obviously less threatening. But still doesn’t make up for him lying.

One reader, Jeff, has commented on many of my posts and has given great advice and feedback, and I decided that Cody and I should go to an AA meeting since there is no S-Anon meetings in our area. I told Cody that when he said alcohol at the meetings he would in his head be saying porn. I think it might help him to go and talk and it will help me too. My drinking has honestly been really good lately, I haven’t even wanted alcohol for the past couple weeks. I rather have tea or coffee.

But I’ll post the letter I wrote to Cody just so you guys understand what was said from my half.

Dear Jerk, oh whoops, I meant Cody,

So much for you being different than the other shitty guys I’ve had. I really thought you were different. My bad. Maybe I was too naive and hopeful, thinking I could get a happy ending. Let’s be real, my life was shit, it’s shit now, and my future will be shit as well. Doesn’t matter if I stay with you or find someone else, it’s still shit. See this is why I was going to have my life with me, my child, and my dog all alone. No one could hurt me then. If my life got fucked it was because of me. Not because of some random asshole who comes into my life and tears it a part.

Sorry, had to get that anger out. Anyways, back to the real point. You are a liar. The one thing I don’t tolerate and the thing I hate. Fuck. That police class didn’t do shit. I couldn’t fucking tell that you were lying to me for a month. Guess it’s a good thing I’m not going to be a police officer.

I think the worst part is you were actually convincing me to trust you again. Why do you think I still jump on you every time something happens? It’s because deep down I figured it would happen and if I jumped on you enough then maybe it wouldn’t happen. Maybe, just maybe, you would care. You wouldn’t be selfish. You would actually care about me. Care about my feelings. Care that when you look up porn it literally shreds my heart into a million pieces that I then have to pick up and tape back together. I still only had maybe half of my heart rebuilt. Now my heart is completely re-torn apart and the pieces that were already torn apart aren’t even salvageable anymore it seems.

Why. Why oh why oh why do you lie? Do you like hurting me? Are you secretly another sociopath that loves to reek havoc in my life? Are you a wolf in sheeps clothing? Have I been deceived for a whole year? Or is this just you being a generic asshole of a guy who is too selfish to care about anything but his own needs and feelings? To me, right now, you are looking pretty damn bad to me. You’re lucky we’ve had so many good times or I’d be gone right now, hell I would have been gone after the first time.

Why do I stay with you you asked at work? I stay because real relationships are not perfect and you don’t bail on those you love, you don’t bail on family. Sadly that’s what I’ve come to think of you as. Family. Which makes this all the more painful. I rather have those asshole guys from Savannah hurt me again because it wouldn’t be half as bad as the way you’ve made me feel when you betray me with lie after lie. You know Rachael told me I should leave you. I told her I couldn’t. She said I could and I wasn’t trapped. It’s true though. I could leave right now, and never turn back, start fucking any guy who shows interest and go on the path I was going on before I met you. But you see that doesn’t seem right.

Cody, we have built a life together. A life together. I would never risk losing it, yet here you are, a year in and still willing to risk everything…for what? For what, Cody? For some fake chick with huge tits and a big ass? Do you see why I continue to want surgery? Do you see why I continue to be with Ed. Ed is safer than you. That’s what I feel. That’s why I haven’t given Ed up. He keeps me from being with someone who will hurt me. Who does hurt me. Ed can be irrational, and very stupid, but at the end of the day he looks out for me and protects me from getting too close and getting hurt. That’s why he hates you. He hates you because you hurt me. He hates you because you’re trying to take him away from me. He doesn’t like that you’ve hurt me, and is trying to save me from a life I will regret. That is why Ed is still here.

Cody, I love you, I do. It’s just so simple. You don’t love me. You don’t even care about me. I feel so stupid and blind. I’ve spent at least $1,000 on you, and I do everything I can to make you happy. Yet here you are, forgetting about me, forgetting promises, forgetting presents for anniversaries, forgetting to have foreplay, and it goes on and on. I think you’re actually quite selfish. I think you’re a nice guy, to a degree, but you are selfish and that is one of your worst qualities. If we are ever going to make this work, you need to stop being selfish and be honest.

Do you see why I haven’t believed you when you say we’ve made progress, or we’ve come so far, or you love me, or things are different. Things aren’t different. We are back in January and December. We just lost all that progress we, or I, worked for. Yes I. I worked for us. You didn’t. You’re complacent. Or, you just think you can get away with treating me like crap because I’m nice and won’t leave. Well Cody, let me tell you this, I will leave. I will leave you if you lie to me again. I don’t want to. It will kill me to leave you and the life we’ve built. You’re not only killing me, but hurting Luvas, and now our baby Emily. She loves you so much and now… if you lie again you lose us all. You’ll never see us again. So if porn is worth more than three lives… well then that answers that. We mean nothing to you. That’s how I feel right now. I feel meaningless and worthless. I feel stupid. I feel angry. I feel like I want to get you back. I want to cheat or cut or burn or drink. But I’m better than that. I will stay strong because I am just that good. I care about myself and I care about our babies. I won’t let them have two parents that fail them. I will be strong and I will be great. I am great. Hell you are god damn lucky to have me. You’re also lucky I gave you so many chances. Cody, you’re not a cat and you don’t have nine lives. You’re running out of chances.

There are options right now.

1. We go to therapy and continue living together and working on trust.
2. I leave and go to my parents for the next two weeks and we go to therapy and we continue to trust each other.
3. The one I really don’t want to do, which is breakup.

So I really want you to think. You need to think about whether you love me. Whether you want me. Whether you want a serious relationship. Whether you’re ready for a serious relationship. Because Cody I deserve much better than this. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve to be loved and cared about. Do you want to be the single guy who tries to hit every girl. If that’s what you want let me know, we can live here in our apartment and we can move your shitty mattress from your dad’s and you can have the living room and I’ll take the bed room and we will live civilly together but single since we are locked in this lease.

So Cody, you have some thinking to do. I hope you’ll let me know if you want to be with me or if you love me, or if you’ve been playing me the whole time. All I want at this point is some honesty and if you can’t give me that then it’s obvious that we’re done.

Cody, before I read this letter, was crying and was very upset. Once I read the letter he went numb. I told him obviously feelings from when I wrote the letter changed but I wanted to read it to him so he knew how hurt I was and would be if this kept happening with no effort to change or be honest with me.

Out of the three options obviously Cody wants number one. I was thinking about number 2 because in my head number 3 isn’t an option. I believe that Cody and I have worked too hard to give up on us. Plus, if we were married what would we do? Divorce? No. So I am treating this relationship seriously because it is a serious relationship. If Cody was just a fling I would have left ages ago but Cody isn’t just a fling. He is the one and will always be the one. Plus I know addiction. I burned myself only once before our friend called me and talked to me after I texted her what happened. Addiction is strong and honestly I know that giving up and walking away from someone with an addiction is the worst thing you can do. That’s another reason why I am staying, because you need a support system with addictions, and it’s not like Cody has told his friends he has an addiction to porn, nor would they understand. His guy friends would say it’s not a problem and that it’s fine.

But after reading the letter I got Cody to talk to me a bit and then he started crying again and wouldn’t let me hug him or touch him because he thought he didn’t deserve it. I told him that was nonsense and hugged him. I told him that he should say out loud any thought that crossed his mind while he was crying and when he spoke I was shocked.

He really hasn’t forgiven himself for any of the missteps or incidents and he is very unforgiving on himself for any hurt he has caused me. He said some things that were very sad for me to hear, because I hated hearing him so depressed and hating on himself. I know everyone makes mistakes and that addictions are hard to get through, and I know what he is feeling because I’ve been there. He reminded me so much of myself a couple years ago when I was crying because I hurt someone because of my addiction. Of course I didn’t have anyone who really stuck around and helped me through it, which made my addiction so much worse. It was only when I was about to lose someone from my addiction that I got help and changed everything, so I’m hoping that Cody is going to do the same.

XOXO Anna

I Hate Liars

I can’t post right now, I’m too emotional and thinking it better to wait until I calm down. But I’ll give you a hint as to what I’ll post about later. Cody and his porn. May 10th. Lied for a god damn fucking month to me. How did I find out? Work computer history. It’s not the worst offense with the exact porn, but it’s the lying that is killing me. Lie after lie after lie. This is why I am a cynical fuck and don’t trust anyone. Maybe it would have been better to be single forever.

XOXO Anna

Therapy and Healing

Cody and I went to therapy on friday to talk about all the things we either weren’t talking about or had miscommunications about. It helped for sure. We have a check up session in two 2 weeks. We also had amazing sex last night at my parents house in my bedroom. It brought back a lot of memories of when we were first together. Tomorrow marks a year of us meeting and then the 18th is when he asked me to be his girlfriend. We are trading gifts, but Cody hasn’t gotten his yet. I already have one of the two that I’m giving him. We also were going to get matching tattoo’s with our initial’s in the tattoo, like the one I got with my sister, but at the moment money is really tight, so we are putting that off until the end of the month or beginning of next month when we have the money, so that’s a gift we are getting together.

Tomorrow I have to take Emily and Luvas to the vet, which is going to cost a lot, and then I’m baby-sitting that afternoon into the evening,and Cody and I will trade our first gift tomorrow night, and then the other on the 18th. But things are turning around for Cody and me.

Also we’ve figured out I am better at finances than he is, since that is where most of the stress has been coming from. He just isn’t as organized as I am so I got this app Wally, which is a great app, and have folders and am keeping everything organized. This month so far we’ve spent more than normal because of getting gifts and other finances (like parking tickets) and stuff. Overall living together in our own place was originally strange, but I think we are getting used to the place and getting used to our new routine and communicating a lot better lately which is really helping. Seriously glad things are turning around for us!

XOXO Anna

Memorial Day Weekend

I haven’t posted since last week and that is because last week was finals, a friend visited for the weekend, and I gave Cody a surprise birthday party. I know three weeks after his birthday, which is why he never saw it coming.

But the weekend was eventful. It was nice having my friend visit. Cody loved his party. We had been arguing a lot last week and we figured out what was going on with us. It was money stress. We both had been stressed because our rent was coming up, which we paid yesterday. But Cody and I talked! We talked about it, and later that night we talked about other things that were on our minds. The fact that we talked made me feel so good.

Oh! Also we got a kitten, her name is Emily. Luvas before we got her was crying a lot and seemed lonely. We got a kitten and he originally hid under the bed for the first few days but now, a week since we’ve gotten her, and they can sit on the couch together. Luvas does need his space from her at times (like at night) but he doesn’t mind being in the same room as her or her following him around (with a couple feet in between of course). But it takes cats a while to get used to each other. That’s another thing. Cody and I have been like parents since we moved out.

Luvas, before we got Emily kept us up all night every night crying because we wouldn’t give him attention. Now Emily sometimes keeps us up, or Luvas will if Emily is causing him stress. Since I am officially out of school, and Cody still have work in the morning, I do the “night-shift” with our cats. I’ve been up since 3:30 am. I eventually got out of bed at 5:30 am and started organizing our finances and looking over bank stuff while keeping the cats occupied so Cody could sleep. I’m crazy exhausted, but at least I can nap at some point in the day so I can feel rested.

Also I got grades back! I got an A in my abnormal psych class and my police class. I am still waiting to hear from sociology, but I think I got an A…and if I did then I will have gotten straight A’s, and have a 4.0 GPA which I’ve never accomplished. So fingers crossed I got an A in sociology!

Cody just came stumbling out of the bedroom wondering why I was up…he is so cute!

XOXO Anna

Up and Down and Up and Down

One step forward two steps back… I feel like Cody and I make progress then it’s like we never talked…just trying to have faith that patience and time will pay off.

XOXO Anna

Moving Forward

Cody and I talked last night, like really talked. We haven’t gotten through all the things we want to talk about, but we have made huge progress! As long as we keep an open dialogue, are honest, and ready to talk, we will be fine.

We even had passionate (amazing) sex last night. I communicated exactly what I wanted and he definitely delivered. Today we continued our conversation from last night and again, made progress! Cody opened up to me!! Like holy shit so happy. This showed him that he is capable of opening up, it just takes him a couple minutes to get there. I am just so proud of him for being able to do that. But I am very glad our communication is better and we are talking, and actually changing our behavior patterns that need changing to keep our relationship healthy and happy.

XOXO Anna

Paralyzed

 

As you know, Cody and I moved into an apartment recently (as in two weeks ago). We had already been living together at my parents house for the past nine months, so living together isn’t anything new. At our new apartment it’s been hectic. I commute to the city 3 times a week for school and on my days off I babysit and my nights off he goes to parkour. He works all week. We see each other in the evening at 9 pm on weekdays. We either eat dinner and pass out when I get home or we skip dinner and pass out.

I’ve been the one who initiates sex…like most of the time. He rarely initiates. Lately, and I assume it’s because he is tired or stressed, has not been receptive to my sexual advances. I remember him once telling me he didn’t initiate sex because of my rapes in the past and didn’t want me to feel pressured. Well, Cody let me know the other night he hates saying no to me for sex because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. Now I feel as if I’ve pressured him into sex many times, and I honestly hate myself for that. He said I never pressured him because it’s not like he doesn’t want to have sex with me, it’s more of he is just too tired at that minute. But I still feel like absolute crap.

As you might also know Cody and I have been having issues with talking and connecting. All day today between my finals, I was looking up how to deal with having a higher sex drive than your partner, or does he like me anymore, or how to be a better girlfriend (because I feel so god damn bad about sex and Cody). I’ve looked up so many things. If you went through my history on my phone alone from today it would take you awhile, not to mention the search history on my computer. It’s hard to try to put the dots together with so many different suggestions…but I decided to try some of this stuff out.

I read that when emotional intimacy fades it’s because one partner has been in the conflict stage, thus bringing the other partner into the conflict stage, then one partner retreats into the withdrawal stage. And only when one partner (the one who is more sensitive to when the relationship is falling apart or has an issue) rises above, and sacrifices all their frustrations and chooses love and compassion can they only get back to intimacy.

So that’s exactly what I just tried. I got off the train, went to the bar Cody and I always go to, waited for him, and for an hour and a half I let him talk about space and science. Also since the porn thing Cody lets me check his phone everyday, and today I said, “No I don’t want to,” and he opened his phone and scrolled through his history to prove to me I made the right decision to trust him. I have to admit that did make me feel better. I also decided I should really start making more of an effort to trust Cody, and maybe then…maybe…he might just actually open up to me and want to talk to me about…well his emotions and feelings and thoughts. At the bar, an hour and a half of him talking about space and science, without me getting more than a sentence in the whole time…that was …a challenge… I love him, I love that he gets so excited, but I was having trouble focusing on it all because of how over my head it all was. Plus drinking didn’t help me focus. Then he suggested we get ice cream. I said I was fine, but I would treat him to it. I got him a chocolate shake (his favorite) and we went home, played with Luvas, and then Cody actually initiated sex. Problem is, I was trying everything I could to avoid sex. Yes, me withdrawing.

I just didn’t want to try to have sex and him see how not into it I would be. So we went to the bedroom and I decided to fuck it and give it a shot, how bad could it be, right? I also read about how to get the guy more into sex and all that. I did one of the suggestions, which was to ask about the guys deepest darkest sexual fantasy.

I was over him making out with him, giving him a hand job, and I said, “Tell me what you want me to do.” He looked at me confused and said, “Uh…fuck me hard?” Not what I was expecting but I said okay. I continued making out, figuring he didn’t get what I was asking so I said, “What is your deepest darkest fantasy? Besides a threesome because I can’t physically pull that off right now.” (side note I would never be okay with a threesome…unless it really was the only way to save a relationship) He responded “I don’t know…” So we continued making out. Also I never really go for the balls…they just kind of freaked me out all of my sex life because I didn’t know what to do with them, but I gave it a shot, and he loved it. Now not so scared to massage them while giving a hand job. He said, “That would feel amazing while blowing me,” and I replied, “Well I was going to do that,” and he perked up and we continued kissing.  He started to go down on me, which I was not expecting at all. “What, I can tease you too,” he said. He was fine, did well, and stopped. I always feel like he doesn’t enjoy it, which makes it hard for me to enjoy it, and when I see he isn’t hard when he gets up to wash his face, that made me feel not sexy and like he didn’t enjoy it, but I tried to focus on getting turned on so I could blow him.

He got back in the room and I blew him while massaging his balls and well…he came quite fast. Like five minutes fast. Not an issue because my jaw was killing me the whole time, but I knew that if he came it meant we didn’t have to have sex, and then he wouldn’t be able to see that I wasn’t going to be into it. He came in my mouth and it tasted terrible -he just had beer- and so I ran to the sink to spit it out. I also was quite triggered but wanted to do something nice for him, so I tried to not think about past abuse and shit and got through it.

Let’s just say this is so not how I wanted this evening to happen. I was hoping that maybe I would surprise Cody when he got home from parkour in lingerie and high heels, hair and makeup done… I don’t know… something nice, and then show him what I wanted from him sexually. In our conversation from the other day when well…sex didn’t exactly happen…he couldn’t stay aroused…and this wasn’t the first time this past month… so that also has made me feel a bit insecure, but I’m trying to brush it off. But anyways, I told Cody that sex for the past couple times wasn’t satisfying me emotionally, which it really hasn’t (hence why I didn’t want to have sex with him this afternoon). I don’t want to have sex with him if I don’t feel close to him. I mean if he was a fuck buddy or friends with benefits, hell I wouldn’t care, I would fuck him so hard and be dirty and crazy and wild with him, but I care about him and that makes it hard to have sex with him when I feel so emotionally…distant.

So when we went back to the bedroom after I went down on him he said, “Don’t think this is going to go unrewarded. When I get home from parkour…” and he had this look. I replied, “It’s okay you don’t have to.” He said, “Come on, I’m not going to leave you hanging.” I said, “Really I don’t care, it’s fine.” His reply was, “Unless you push my head away and say no-” and I cut him off saying, “Which is what’s going to happen.” He said, “We will see.”  I hated that he used the word “rewarded” as in sex is a commodity where you get rewarded for good behavior (getting sex or oral) or punished for bad behavior…that’s the connotation it had for me.

We cuddled. He went to parkour. I’m here blogging, sitting in a warm bath trying to relax and figure out what the hell I’m going to do to get us back on track. But I hate that it’s my job to do this. If I didn’t…Cody and I probably wouldn’t be together because he would never mention anything. *sigh*

Hoping to figure out a solution soon!

XOXO Anna

Round and Round…Boys I Need Your Help!

I feel like I keep going in circles. One second Cody and I are great, we talked, things seem like it’s going to improve and get better, then a couple days go by and we are back to where we started.

I just want to know how to really be able to create positive change in our relationship. That talk we had about all the potential problems, or actual problems in the relationship…well it was okay, I guess. I felt bad because I was the one naming things that were wrong, i.e. forgetfulness, or asking him to talk to me with expressing feelings, or just wanting some quality time or even sex. I asked him what I needed to improve on, besides me losing my temper and yelling sometimes, because that is something I need to work on. Cody said nothing. That is complete bullshit, right? I am not that perfect. No one is that perfect.

Also Cody never likes any of my posts on Facebook, and I’ve mentioned to him a lot that it makes me feel like he doesn’t care about my posts. He is always liking all of his friends posts. I bet that if I didn’t even post on Facebook, there would be no connection between us except for the “in relationship with” status. I asked him the other day why he didn’t like the post about the ring on Facebook and he said he didn’t know. I asked again today when he was on Facebook but didn’t like anything on my page and then he went on my page and liked everything on my page. How meaningless was that. I am sure he didn’t read any of the articles. I guess I just wanted him to care, but maybe I was asking for too much. Maybe the solution is to stop posting about us… maybe just post things about me and my life. Not our life. Then I can’t get offended when he doesn’t like anything of mine, because it’s just my stuff, not stuff about us. I know a stupid petty thing to most people, but to me it means something, but I will just have to let that one go for the good of our relationship.

This is our conversation from maybe 10 minutes ago. I said, “K” to something he said. He knows when I say “K” I’m not happy. I told him that I was like this way before the conversation we were currently having, I was feeling this way when we talked earlier. He said, “Ok”… this is why I feel like I’m going in circles. He didn’t care. Look at that response. I told him that when we have conversations where feelings are involved (which Cody knows that I am not happy) that we both express our feelings and not give one word answers. *sigh* Again, behaviors not changing.

Boys… I need your input here. Maybe I am being a stupid girl and not understanding how “guys are.” Cody and I recently talked about what I’ve mentioned above and even the fact that Cody just doesn’t open up to me much. Cody didn’t realize there was a problem in the relationship because he feels so close to me, which I said was because I am open with him. “I know you so well,” Cody said after guessing something I was thinking, and I replied, “Yeah you do, if only I knew you like that.” That is when it hit him that he wasn’t open much with me. I also talked to him about thought processes. I am a very introspective person. I think about why I think,do, feel things. If I feel angry at Cody I think about why and what caused it. If I feel stressed, I think about why. Cody’s normal response to any question that is not on a superficial level is “I don’t know.” My question to you guys out there is are boys not introspective? Do they just do things, say things, think things, without actually thinking about the why? Do they don’t realize why they feel a certain way? Do they not know why they would say something, or act a certain way? Or is it that boys don’t want to dig that deep in fear of finding out why? And I am not by any means saying all guys are the same, I just am wondering if the majority of guys are like this. So I would love any feedback I can get.

I want to be very patient and very understanding with Cody and not blow up at him or say anything mean. I want to express to him in a way that maybe sinks in how much of a problem these things are without hurting him or making him feel offended. I’ve tried talking to him about some of these things multiple times with some change, little change, or no change depending on what it is. Am I just not being an effective communicator? Feeling at a loss as to how to move forward… guess it’s time to start searching psychology articles…again. I just want to feel loved again, you know? I logically know Cody loves me, I see it in some of the things he does, like being late for work to make sure I’m okay. Then there are things I’ve mentioned and it’s as if I’ve been ignored because nothing changes. Is there something I’m missing? I thought I was being direct, which guys like. Well…I’m going to get back to my final paper and studying…which means getting out the alcohol. Thanks for reading my frustrations.

XOXO Anna

Surprise

Cody and I talked yesterday, or at least started the conversation of things that weren’t going right. Tonight we agreed since it will be the first time we’ve had in two weeks to hang out with each other to talk. We are going to talk about all potential issues or feelings. We are also going to go out to dinner and go to the club to play pool. Cody is a member of the club now, and I have to go through the women’s auxiliary to be a member.

But after we talked yesterday I told Cody what I really wanted, which was some time to discuss Life Without Ed. I came home from a renfrew group and Cody was on the couch reading Life Without Ed and had highlighted things he felt were relevant to me or to us. Cody never high lights, so to see that was huge and it was honestly the best thing to come home to. It was nice to see Cody actually taking to heart what I had said. And then Cody had this goofy grin on his face after I had sat down on the couch with him. He said, “I promised you, now it’s your turn to promise me,” and he pulled out a ring box with the ring set in them. The promise rings had arrived and that was the most wonderful way to surprise me with it. I honestly had forgotten about the ring that day.

He asked “Do you promise?” and I was honestly hesitating for a moment, which was shocking. The reason I had hesitated was obviously because of how off sync we were. I, of course, said “I promise” and he put the rings on my finger. We talked, we hung out, we made up, and we had amazing sex. Finally! Sorry but I was really beginning to wonder where our sex life had disappeared to, but damn we found it last night.

We finally are not doing routine things such as, “Did you get the groceries?” or “We still have to get a check book.” I am happy that tonight we are spending time together alone. It’s just us. It’s us doing something besides every day routine things. We are going to have a conversation about our relationship, the good things and the things we want to improve on. We are going to go out to dinner to one of my favorite restaurants which Cody really likes too. Then we are going to go to the club to play pool. That…all of that is how we used to spend our time. I am really excited to be doing something “different” than the routine we’ve fallen into. Finally feeling heard!

XOXO Anna

Roller Coaster Central

(First off I am posting from my phone because there is no internet at the new apartment, so I can’t really put gifs in. Sorry!)

Moving in together…it’s been…strange. Not that Cody and I are not used to living together, but … fucking christ. I feel like I’m married to him, and not in the good way. You know, the whole stereotypical marriage where the couple never has time for one another, or is too tired to do anything with the other, or schedules are conflicting, or friends are taking priority, or no to little sex. You know that stuff. Ironically cody joked that we wouldn’t ever be the stereotypical married couple. The thing is we aren’t married and right now it’s as if we’ve been married and somehow we have all the problems or issues of the stereotypical marriage. I don’t know what to do. And shouldn’t one remember stuff that their partner says or is important to them? I remember so many things Cody tells me. He can never remember anything I tell him. I feel like I’m not important. I feel forgotten…because I am! Is this how it’s supposed to be? Is this what relationships come to after a while? I feel like that happens when we stop trying. But I am trying. It’s true when they say it takes two. Fuck.

I need advice. I feel so lost right now. Again, this is all new to me. I don’t know where to go and Cody lets me lead all the time! I am always the assertive one, or the one making decisions, or the one who is on top of our “real world” responsibilities. Example: Cody has forgotten consistently to pay my dad back for his half of the security deposit. I reminded Cody today. Also Cody LARPed last weekend as most of you might have read, and this weekend he also had the chance to go LARPing but didn’t because he knew my finals were coming up. His friend just invited him and me to a party this weekend on saturday. She lives like a fucking hour away. If she lived 5 minutes down the road I wouldn’t think it would get in the way. Plus I have an eye doctors appointment on saturday so I already have an hour or so wasted on that and not studying or writing my paper. Cody asked me if we could go. I said “I have finals.” He said “I forgot.”

I hate that I feel not important to him anymore. It’s only recently happened too! I don’t know what the hell happened or what I might have done. I mean, Cody has always been forgetful…and I’ve tried not to take it to heart that everything he forgets is about my life or what I wanted to do or had plans to do…but I don’t know anymore. Maybe he really only thinks about his interests or plans or wants. I don’t know, I’m just frustrated. I know he thinks about me (sometimes) but I don’t know. I’m sure if I had a LARPing weekend I was planning or a car rally I was going to he would never forget.

How did life sneak up on me so quick? Cody and I have our own place. We have no time for each other. He hangs with his friends and I’m hanging with mine. I babysit, he does parkour. He LARPS I stay home and do nothing or homework. Too tired to have sex, cuddle, or watch TV together. No time to talk. I hope this “situation” doesn’t last too much longer.  I just don’t know how to get us “back on track” so to speak.

Feeling forgotten, lost and clueless…

XOXO Anna

Tired and Want To Cry

I am so tired right now, I can’t focus, and I feel like I’m about to pass out. Luvas kept Cody and I up all night last night. We also moved into our apartment yesterday. Luvas was crying because he was in an unfamiliar place, and he was extremely cuddley and affectionate.

Also some stuff is going on with Cody. So if you’ve read my blog you know about his misstep or betrayal. Due to that, and wanting to rebuild trust and intimacy there are certain rules or understandings. If you read my post about his LARPing you will know some of those rules. So the other one is to tell me who he is hanging out with. There was this girl that was a friend of his friends. She friend requested him on Facebook. Cody and her barely know each other, besides in game(where they are characters) and so with my separation anxiety and Cody’s history I was annoyed that Cody didn’t tell me about this. More like hurt. If he had told me, there would have been no issues, I wouldn’t have thought too much of it, but it was the fact that I found out when checking his phone that was the trigger. It brought back all those memories from the past and feelings from the past. Our deal was total honesty and openness. Not omitting (which is a form of lying). I just …I can’t wrap my head around it. I think about it and make excuses for Cody to not have told me, but then I go back and realize there was no excuse. Then I’m hurt and mad.

Actions like these make me feel like I’m in this alone- that Cody doesn’t care to keep us moving forward from the misstep. And I’ve been making steps forward. The other week a porn thing came on with a show we watch and because of everything he usually turns his head away for those scenes, but this time he didn’t and I didn’t say anything. That was me trying to move past it but I eventually broke down and said I couldn’t handle it and needed more time. I also accepted he was going LARPing, which causes anxiety. Then the LARPing girl thing happened and it made me feel like I just was right to be worried.

If Cody didn’t have his history, if I was never with Monster who I really think was cheating on me during our long distance relationship, him going LARPing wouldn’t be an issue except for the missing him (which is normal). So yeah. I don’t know, I am so sleep deprived and cranky and upset right now. I can barely concentrate or think.

All I know is that I’ve shown Cody articles on how most couples rebuild trust and there are certain things we have done and moved on from, but then there are key things that Cody keeps tripping up on, meaning I start worrying and getting anxious again, and it’s like we are back to the beginning. Also Cody is the first person I’ve ever tried to rebuild trust with. I’ve never done this before. It’s incredibly challenging. In the past, before Cody, if someone fucked me over there was no going back from that. That person was either out of my life, or if they were in my life it was never the same. Ethan for example. If you’ve read my blog you will know that our friendship was forever changed when he asked if Monster really raped me. After that we were never as close. It was because only one of us cared. I cared and wanted to have that friendship, but Ethan obviously didn’t care. So I want to know Cody cares, and if he does he will follow through with that we decided on. That is very important. Keeping his word is key to healing. It builds trust and assurance and a sense of reliability.

Cody and I have been talking on the phone and I haven’t eaten at all today but he helped me distinguish that Ed was the one who didn’t want me to eat, and that I did want to eat. So I am happy he helped me with that. See, that, that act showed me he cares. That changed my mood by a lot. Even Cody being at our apartment right now to check on Luvas means something. Knowing that he is actually moving Luvas’s water and food into our bedroom and Luvas’s litter is something that makes me happy. I know it’s small and simple but it means everything. It shows me that Cody cares. He didn’t have to go home to check on Luvas during his lunch break, but I asked Cody to, and he did it. That is him keeping his word. That is an action that makes me feel like I can trust him. If he keeps that kind of stuff up we will be fine.

But I am hungry and I’m guna go get food.

XOXO Anna

 

Stressing The Fuck Out and Pissed

So I am a bit pissed at Cody…We had established understandings about him going LARPing.

1. The desks and bed frame would be taken apart before he leaves.
2. He would text me at these intervals (when he gets there, at night, when he wakes up, and when he heads home, and gets home)

I don’t think those are hard to follow. First off, the deal was that he had to have number 1 done to even go to LARP. It’s my fault though for not pushing him to do it, or well, I don’t know. Then this morning, he didn’t text me. So I texted him saying are you up and he said yup. Pissed as fuck at that. I just have separation anxiety and those simple texts at the intervals listed above keeps my anxiety at bay…though yesterday I did have an anxiety attack and had to talk a calm aid.

I can’t believe this is weekend one…he has a million more of these LARPing weekends. I hate this. I hate this, I hate this. Breathe.  Sorry, I just don’t want to start crying from the stress. We are moving out TOMORROW. NOTHING is packed. I have to do this all ALONE. You know what, I could simply pack all MY things, and leave Cody to pack his things, and maybe that will teach him something? No. I know that’s petty of me to do, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to do it.

Also fuck me…I don’t know how well eating is going to go today. Haven’t eaten yet. Planning on chewing gum. Trying not to cry. My god there is so much laundry to do… there is a cat at our house that keeps peeing on them and I want to wash ALL our clothes before we pack them to make sure they are actually clean. Then packing toiletries. I can’t evens start trying to move the bed or the desks because they ARE NOT TAKEN APART. I have to pack all the kitchen stuff.

I hate moving. Those who know me know it’s stressful as fuck for me and I don’t handle it well. Shit, crying. Fuck. I also have finals to do and I was so anxiety ridden yesterday I couldn’t do anything and fuck I feel like everything is just too much. I hate this. Sorry for being so stressed, I just had to post this to keep me sane and to let me actually try to pack.

XOXO Anna

LARP and Recovery

Cody went to LARP this morning. We had a really nice night last night, but we didn’t end up going to Michael’s art exhibition. I was too tired. But I might see Michael at the end of the month.

This weekend I have tons of homework to do. But I also wanna do some personal homework. I want to actually write out the exercises from Life Without Ed. It’s truly made a difference. I do feel a slight separation from Ed. I am not my eating disorder and I’ve known that but never felt it, and now I feel it. It’s a wonderful feeling. I feel a sense of freedom.

XOXO Anna

Life Without Ed

So I am doing a lot better than I was in my other post from the other day. My anorexic attack the other day was so strong and it lasted a lot longer than most do these days. So I ended up buying two eating disorder books. One written by a mother about her son’s anorexia, and the other which is a well known book in the eating disorder community, Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer.

I’ve only read chapter one and I have made a lot of notes. I’ve had insights already and honestly viewing my eating disorder as an abusive relationship has helped. Cody even was saying a couple nights ago that I am cheating on him with my eating disorder. Cody is the only person who understood that. In other relationships I had felt like I was cheating on my boyfriend with my eating disorder because I was giving all my attention to my disorder and not the person I was with at the time.

But honestly if you’re in recovery please pick this book up. I wish I’d read this much earlier. But I’m reading it now and it is helping a lot.

XOXO Anna

Anorexia is Kicking My Ass and Will be the Death of Me

Note: this post will most likely be written by my anorexic thoughts dominating over my logic.

Right now Anorexia is winning. Last night Anorexia was winning too.I went to Marshalls while the girl I babysit was at swim practice. I tried on clothes, and I found black shorts that fit. Maybe it was the mirror but I hated myself. I hated my looks. I couldn’t stand looking at my reflection.

At the moment I am thinking I am really fat. The logic part of my mind knows I’m not, but I’m not tone. That bothers me. I am not skinny mini model pretty. I want to be skinny again. I want to be attractive. I feel so gross. I feel like I shouldn’t eat for two weeks. If I even do eat I feel like it should be only a chicken caesar salad, or broccoli, or string beans, or an apple, or a banana. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel so down I wanna …either cut or well you know..die, but I am not stupid I wouldn’t commit suicide. Though if I did get to a certain weight I’m sure that I wouldn’t be able to cope. I just wanna be sexy or hot. Which I guess I’m not. Ethan never described me as that, though Spencer told me that Hot was a demeaning term and I should be thankful Ethan described me as beautiful and attractive.

I just never had that hot look and I guess that bothers me because I do struggle with the fact that I am not merely a sexual object for a guy and I am actually a person. I should know I’m worth more than just my looks but I guess I’m scared that without my looks I wouldn’t be loved. Or I would thus be unlovable. I know, irrational, but this is the way my anorexic mind thinks. Right now my anorexic mind is killing me. I even pulled out my Anorexic journal last night to remind myself of how to starve myself. There were some things in there that my logic brain was shocked to read, but my anorexic mind was sinking its claws into it, not letting go. All I can think about is how I am not good enough compared to other girls. I am torturing myself. I am in my own personal hell. A prisoner of my own twisted and warped mind. I wouldn’t wish Anorexia on my worst enemy. It’s a real killer.

XOXO Anna

LARP and an Old Friend

Live Action Role Play… I’ve never done it but Cody is into it. So Cody hasn’t done it in a while, because the games seemed to conflict with things we’d scheduled for. Cody wants to get back into it, which is fine. He wants me to go to one also just to try it. So I looked at the game schedules and there are 13 weekends of games that Cody will be going to,so I hope Cody enjoys them, but now I have 13 weekends where I have free…that means who the hell am I hanging out with? Serena? Well, in the summer there will be plenty of people to go party and drink with. Or I could write? I don’t know. I’ll figure it out. I really wish I actually tried harder to make friends at my new school now… but even if I did they are in the city which I wouldn’t want to take a train into the city just to see a friend.

Oh also I reconnected with a childhood friend, and he goes to NYU and is curating a show this weekend. Cody agreed to stay on friday and go with me and leave saturday morning for LARP. I think Cody is just scared that my old friend will hit on me 😛 but seriously no.We will call him Michael. I am not even sure I’ll even like Michael as a friend anymore.I haven’t seen him since I was eight years old and I’m twenty-two. Lots has changed. But if we do end up hitting it off then maybe he and I will hang out occasionally and I’ll actually be able to say I have a friend in the area.

I guess it’s times like these that make me realize how my hometown feels like it’s not mine. It’s really Cody’s. He has his friends and memories here. I have memories but not many friends, plus they don’t live around here anymore. My life really was back in Savannah, GA. But Cody and I are building a life together here… I just sometimes feel like I don’t fit in. These friends of his are his friends, not mine. Sure I know them, I’ll talk to them, and occasionally hang with them, but they aren’t my friends. Not yet…if ever. If I went to school where I live instead of the city I would hopefully have friends too. It’s just everyone at my school either knows each other because they went to high school together or they started in freshman year together. Being a transfer student is hard…

XOXO Anna

A Present for India

I got India a ring from that Jeulia site too. I ended up following the company’s instagram and to my dismay some customers didn’t have a great experience. Some loved their rings while others complained. So hopefully the ring set Cody got me doesn’t chip like some customers said the black rings did. Some customers complained of getting the rings weeks late too. So fingers crossed that everything works out in the end…I mean those rings they designed are beautiful so it would be a shame if there were issues.

Also haven’t done my police homework yet, and my class is at 2:50 pm. I am super stressing about finals. Also I have an OBGYN appointment on monday, which is the day Cody and I are moving. See I’ve been bleeding a bit since my period ended so we are worried. Not about pregnancy but that something isn’t right? I’ve never really had this issue but I’m sure everything’s okay. It’s just annoying that we have to do that on the day we are moving

XOXO Anna

Ring!

So Cody is finally getting me a promise ring! Sorry I am totally fucking excited because well…I got his like four months ago. So it’s about time he played catch up haha. But no I honestly am so happy because he chose the ring. He found it. Not me. I didn’t have to do anything. It was all him. That’s why it means something. If I had to be like, “Cody I want a ring buy it for me” then it wouldn’t mean anything. I mentioned a while ago that I got him a promise ring and I envied that he got to wear a ring on his ring finger and said I would like one too, but that he didn’t have to get it.

But here is a picture of the ring set. Also there is an engraving on it, which I don’t know what it says so I can’t wait to see that! I hope it’s cute and something sweet or something that is special to us, like “Unicorns are real” or something. If you’ve been reading my blog you will know Cody is a Unicorn when it comes to guys. Guys like him really don’t exist and if they do they are a rarity. But I absolutely love these because it’s very me. I love black. To be honest, when we’ve looked for rings over the past couple months I definitely liked some rings, and there were ones I loved for actual engagement rings, but they didn’t seem “me” whereas the rings above are so me.

Here is the website, because these are very affordable rings and honestly the designs are great!

XOXO Anna