Anorexia is Kicking My Ass and Will be the Death of Me

Note: this post will most likely be written by my anorexic thoughts dominating over my logic.

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Right now Anorexia is winning. Last night Anorexia was winning too.I went to Marshalls while the girl I babysit was at swim practice. I tried on clothes, and I found black shorts that fit. Maybe it was the mirror but I hated myself. I hated my looks. I couldn’t stand looking at my reflection.

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At the moment I am thinking I am really fat. The logic part of my mind knows I’m not, but I’m not tone. That bothers me. I am not skinny mini model pretty. I want to be skinny again. I want to be attractive. I feel so gross. I feel like I shouldn’t eat for two weeks. If I even do eat I feel like it should be only a chicken caesar salad, or broccoli, or string beans, or an apple, or a banana. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel so down I wanna …either cut or well you know..die, but I am not stupid I wouldn’t commit suicide. Though if I did get to a certain weight I’m sure that I wouldn’t be able to cope. I just wanna be sexy or hot. Which I guess I’m not. Ethan never described me as that, though Spencer told me that Hot was a demeaning term and I should be thankful Ethan described me as beautiful and attractive.

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I just never had that hot look and I guess that bothers me because I do struggle with the fact that I am not merely a sexual object for a guy and I am actually a person. I should know I’m worth more than just my looks but I guess I’m scared that without my looks I wouldn’t be loved. Or I would thus be unlovable. I know, irrational, but this is the way my anorexic mind thinks. Right now my anorexic mind is killing me. I even pulled out my Anorexic journal last night to remind myself of how to starve myself. There were some things in there that my logic brain was shocked to read, but my anorexic mind was sinking its claws into it, not letting go. All I can think about is how I am not good enough compared to other girls. I am torturing myself. I am in my own personal hell. A prisoner of my own twisted and warped mind. I wouldn’t wish Anorexia on my worst enemy. It’s a real killer.

XOXO Anna

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Social Media is Deceiving

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I love how we post constantly about our lives. We paint the perfect picture for everyone to see. We see the smiles, the hugs, the friends, and the fun. What we don’t see are the tears, the fights, the breakdowns.

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Ethan’s sister and I talked about a week ago about how bad her relationship with her boyfriend is. It is completely unhealthy. It honestly is a bit scary to hear about. Her boyfriend has thrown her mugs and punched walls when she has tried to talk to him in the past about something that wasn’t working in the relationship. They live in two different states. She is paying his rent. He is smoking weed. She has tried to end it, but that then turned into 100 texts and 40 calls later….and she is still with him.

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This topic came up because he posted a picture of them and said how much he loves and misses her and I just got so mad seeing that, and seeing people like that. I know they have no idea how bad the relationship is, but it just makes me feel like he is trying to guilt trip her into staying with him.

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Another friend that I’ve mentioned before, Serena, was supposed to break up with her boyfriend months ago, but she never did to my knowledge. There is another case of social media distorting reality. There’s tons of post of how amazing their relationship is on Facebook, but it’s not true. Serena has an amazing job right now, is continuing her education, and has everything in life going for her except for her boyfriend. She really needs to break up with him because he really is not good her her. They do hold each other back. It’s sad, because she has so much potential to have an amazing life.

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Even I am guilty of having a filter through social media. No one knows about Cody and the porn thing (besides his sister, his best friend, and my sister). Everyone who see’s posts of us through social media probably thinks we have a perfect relationship. We do have a wonderful relationship, but no one knows that we have been through some real shit together and have gotten through it.

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I just find it funny that we all have this desire to make people think we have a great life, and we may have great lives, but it’s so filtered when it’s posted on social media, that it isn’t reality anymore. It’s a snapshot, it’s a moment, it’s not life.

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Though there are people who are honest on their social media. Ethan’s brother, Spencer is one of those people and I absolutely love him for that. He posts about things not being perfect. He will post if he accomplishes something but he will also post if he is struggling with something, whether it be studying for an exam, having a failed attempt at making a friend or romantic connection, and so on. Spencer’s honesty is admirable. I love that he can do that and that his friends always comment and support him.

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I think my main frustrating is that society as a whole puts on this front, this mask, to make it seem like everything is okay. I am someone who likes honesty and deep connections and social media has made connecting to people so superficial. I find it hard to really get to know people on a deeper level these days because no one wants to be perceived as “weak”, or “crazy”, or “undesirable”, etc.

I will end this post with a quote from Shakespeare:

All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.

XOXO Anna

 

Insomnia and Late Night Phone Calls

Ethan is a triplet. He has one brother who is identical to him and the other isn’t. They also have a sister too. Spencer, the identical triplet, and I had a two hour phone conversation at 1 AM. I really missed Spencer. I remember the first time I saw and met him I thought “Shit, I’m dating the wrong twin.” I never ever told Ethan that, but I honestly was like, “Spencer is everything Ethan isn’t.” Spencer is good emotionally, meaning he understands emotions and can be emotional himself. I love that about him. When I was with Ethan, he was a robot, so you can see how a girl would like an emotional guy.

So Spencer and I talked last night. I got to hear about school, classes, his girlfriend! I loved talking to him. I confessed to him what happened with Owen and the self-harm. We got on a rant about guys, and rape, and sex in general. It was great. I missed our rants and vents. I literally haven’t had one of those since he’s been with his girlfriend which has been like seven months. That’s way too long for me not to have a Spencer rant. It was refreshing talking to him and hearing his thoughts on life. Spencer and I have had so many good conversation rants, debates, and vents since I’ve met him. Hell, Spencer helped me so much during my relationship with Ethan.

Also not going to lie, Spencer is the cuter twin. Though their friend told me that most think Ethan is the cuter twin. But if Spencer heard me say that, he would be like, “Ha! Suck it Ethan.” I love the dynamic between Spencer and Ethan, though they tend to fight a lot, or did whenever I hung out with them in the past. I remember this one time, Spencer was driving and we got lost and he and Ethan got into a real yelling fight, which kinda was scary, but yeah.

I really want to see Spencer. I haven’t written this yet, but I am thinking about transferring schools to study psychology and criminology, and Spencer asked if I was looking at his school since he is a psych major, but I said I just needed to get out of this state. Spencer goes to a school in the same state as Ethan and I, just a couple hours away from here.

The reason I want to switch schools is

  1. Too many bad memories here
  2. I feel trapped educationally
  3. I want to do more than just write
  4. I truly love psychology and criminal justice and want to learn more to see if that’s what I want to do.
  5. I need a fresh start. One where no one knows me or my past.

But Spencer totally understood me when I told him that I wanted to transfer. He also understood me when I was talking about self-harm (probably because he studies psych) and when I explained why I thought I did it yesterday again, he understood my reasoning. He didn’t seem to be judging me, more trying to understand and help me, which is what I LOVE ABOUT HIM. Ethan always told me I shouldn’t do it and didn’t do much more than that. I always hated talking about Self-harm with Ethan because there was judgment there, and I felt like I was being punished when I told Ethan. Like, Ethan once told me that he wouldn’t go to the hospital if I was there because of my self harm.

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Like really? Jesus fuck, can you say anything worse? First off, I don’t self-harm that extreme, so that isn’t even a possibility, but jesus Ethan is just stupid. I get it that some people don’t get self-harm, hell I don’t think I understand it half the time, but saying things like what Ethan said is not helpful at all. In fact, it’s hurtful and makes you feel alone and not cared about.

I like Spencer’s approach in asking why I’m doing it, trying to understand, offer other ways to cope, and saying that he is there for me. He gave me times he was free in the week so if I ever wanted to talk to him I could. That meant a freaking lot to me. It’s just sad that I’m not friends with Ethan really, and I still am friends with his siblings.

XOXO Anna