Pregnancy is daunting

I am completely not used to this. I am almost 10 weeks and I am always tired. Plus commuting to NYC for two hours twice a week doesn’t help the exhaustion. I am really excited about this, but at the same time have worries like any other first-time parent. May 5th we are going to be having a consultation for possible genetic testing. I know I am 23 years old but given that I am adopted and really know nothing about my medical or genetic history scares me, especially being pregnant. On May 5th we will discuss finance, the tests, and options. If we decide to go ahead we would get an NT and the blood test that also tells gender.

All this pregnancy stuff is so new and unknown at times it seems so daunting. Especially the body changes. Given the history of anorexia and the fact I got out of treatment in the beginning of January, I am anxious about how I will handle the body changes mentally. I know there’s lots of bloating and water retention in the first trimester and I’ve been dealing with that to the best of my ability.

Also, I don’t know how to announce the pregnancy. I’ve told some close friends, including Quick Silver, and our families know, including extended family. But announcing the pregnancy to our friends is something I am unsure of how to do. I feel like my friend Serena, who I have known since kindergarten might be a bit judgemental. I want to tell her soon but just hope she can have a positive reaction, like the other people I’ve told. Everyone has been positive, happy and supportive. I just hope our friends can be the same.

XOXO Anna

 

Relationships in Society

Cody and I were sitting down and talking about relationships these days. Given that we have had our struggles, ups and downs, and gotten through some really tough times, we noticed that most people around us don’t stay together. While we have been working on our relationship, most of our friends have gone through two relationships since we’ve been together. We’ve noticed the miscommunication, the cheating, the emotional disconnection when our friends talk with us about relationships and the breakups.

Today’s “Hook up Culture” has, in my opinion, made commitment seem like the “uncool” thing to do. It’s not cool to show you care anymore it seems. That saddens me to see most people around me being so nonchalant about relationships and commitment. Now, I understand most people that are young want to explore, have fun, enjoy the now. At some point, however, people can realize that they focused too much on the now, and not enough about the future -their wants, needs, and goals. I know people who are 30 and they are thinking, “where did my life go?” The common theme among them was how they didn’t fully grow up, and enjoyed life not thinking about the responsibilities, and the things they really desired- they numbed out their emotions. They wanted so much to enjoy life, that they ended up missing out on things they wanted. They focused on the partying, and sex, and social scenes, and now at 30 are thinking about relationships and marriage and kids, thinking that they are not where they wanted to be at at that age.

Personally, I have found that being in a relationship has been a very enriching experience, both for personal growth and for learning. I have learned a lot about myself that I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t been in a serious committed relationship. I also learned a lot about communication, compromise, and caring.

I can look back at my days at SCAD, and I think to myself, “how could I have let myself think it’s cool not to care?” Back at college, most guys didn’t see a girl as more than a couple months of companionship and sex. I honestly hated that environment, given that I want someone who wants commitment. I do know that these days, women are more financially stable and much more independent than they were many years ago, and so marriage isn’t as important a factor. Back in the day, marriage was for financial stability, and now a days women are financially stable without a man. Marriage is now more for emotional happiness and romance than for money.

I have written about marriage before, and of course, with time my opinion has shifted. Today, I want marriage. Not as in I want to be married today, but I know that I would like to be married one day. Marriage, to me, is the sign of ultimate commitment to the person you love. I am not sure if that is “naive” but that is how I view it. Marriage is a responsibility. That is not something to take lightly. Cody and I have talked about marriage many many times through out our relationship. We’ve talked about our goals, our needs and wants, and our views. We’ve talked about children, and yes, I do want children one day, and we’ve talked about careers and over all goals of living in the future. I also am glad that we’ve been living together for year and a half. I personally feel that you don’t know someone until you’ve lived with them. I know that if I had never lived with Cody and we got married and suddenly lived together, that would be a strange and difficult adjustment. Living together before making the commitment to marry, to me, shows me how the person lives -their habits, needs, financial spending- which is important for marriage. Without all that knowledge, a marriage can be quite the gamble. But that’s just my experience and opinion.

What are your opinions and views on relationships in today’s society and marriage and divorce?

XOXO Anna

Self-Objectification

I have objectified myself for a pretty long time now. I remember knowing that at a young age I was “only as good as however many guys liked me.” I, knowing or believing that, made sure I was attractive. In high school I would wake up at 5 am to shower, do my hair, and make up. That’s how much I would care, and that didn’t even include having to choose the “right” outfit. I tried very hard to be attractive, and in high school I never really had any guys.

In college, if you’ve read my blog, you know how many guys I’ve gotten. In college I really objectified myself. I wore my skimpy, sexy, provocative outfits. I knew that was the only way to get a guys attention. I knew if I didn’t wear those clothes I’d be invisible. Now where and when did I learn this? Society warps young kids minds about the roles they play and what they are expected to be. At some point girls start being taught that they are supposed to play with makeup and dresses and boys play with things that they can build or play sports.

From a young age I knew what society expected of me as a girl, but I never truly fit that stereotype. Since I’ve been with Cody I have changed a lot. I’ve changed for the better. When first meeting Cody I wore my sexy outfits, and once I was his girlfriend he told me I didn’t have to wear those outfits, that he preferred me in casual clothes. It didn’t hit me until I found out about his addiction and started all this research that I had been objectifying myself because that is what society taught me to do.

I have stopped objectifying myself and I feel like a person and not an object for someone else’s sexual pleasure. I find it ironic that the porn addict teaches me this 😛 But I never realized how much society impacted me and the way I viewed myself until recently. Since I’ve realized this, I see society, and I walk down the street and I am sad because I see so many people falling into what society teaches. Girls, if single- and you know they’re single- wear provocative clothes, anything that draws attention to certain areas of their body. Men also can fall into that trap. Men don’t go around in skimpy clothes, but they do wear more fitting and nicer clothes if trying to seem attractive. I find it sad that society teaches us that our looks are the defining factor, the thing that makes someone worthy.

People have SO MANY qualities and such unique personalities and they should be valued on that and not their looks. I have self-objectified and I’ve seen so many other women doing that, and I’m sure they might not even be aware of it. Why can’t we all just be people? Why does society have to portray women as sexual objects in the media, TV, movies, billboards, etc. Yes, men get objectified too, but there is a lot more objectification of women.

I honestly can’t believe the person I used to be before meeting Cody. The things I thought were so important are truly irrelevant. Before him, I thought I had to be physical perfection or I would get rejected. I thought I had to be the best sex partner in bed or I wasn’t anything. I never really was someone who watched porn, but after my trauma’s I did, and I felt disgusted seeing those. I thought, “my god how can that women let herself be treated that way?” I now realize I was doing the same thing. Dressing for a guy, being nice for a guy, doing anything sexual for a guy. I got the message from a young age that my worth was based on what a man thought of me. If a man approved then I must be good. If a man thought I was sexy, then I must be that. I never learned to define myself by MY opinions and thoughts.

I really hope that this changes. I hope that kids are taught to value themselves not by someone else’s opinions, but by their own opinions. In the end the only person who should define you is you.

Feeling Like Crap

So one of Cody’s friends said to him a while ago no one wants to hang out with him anymore because we fight sometimes and stuff. Then last night when I asked one of his friends why they didn’t invite Cody, he replied with “why is his vagina hurt?”

I was insulted that his friend insulted Cody but also the way he was insulting Cody, by using a women’s body part as if that’s something bad. So I stood up for Cody and said that it was a misogynistic to say that and said he would lose his girlfriend if he used language and insults like that.

His friend then came back and said some really mean stuff to me, Cody defended me. The thing is, when I met Cody, he couldn’t identify feelings, used language like: cunt, whore, bitch, slut, and he was very immature. Cody has matured, doesn’t use degrading language like that anymore, and actually wants to talk about real issues, and his friend says he can’t recognize Cody anymore. That I’ve “warped his mind,” and that I’m, “crazy.”

I talked to Quick Silver yesterday about Cody’s sister. But then last night texted him about how I really needed to talk to him about last night with Cody’s friend. So today I’ll be calling Quick Silver. I really miss Quick Silver. He has always been a really good friend, and sometimes it sucks that he is in GA and I’m not.

So it’s been damn stressful this week with people. I seriously feel like crap and that I’m the reason people don’t like Cody.

XOXO Anna

Huge Steps Forward!! So Proud of Cody!

Today Cody made a huge step forward! He posted on Facebook openly admitting he is a porn addict. He told me it was okay to post his post on here, so I will in support of him.

 

 

“It seems to me that there is a problem in today’s society that most people are unaware of. To some, it’s not a problem, to others it may be, some don’t realize it and most just deny it completely. To me personally it is a major problem and i didn’t even know it until earlier this year. I’ve had it for probably almost a decade from what i can remember, and in the past years has helped feed a circle of feeling hopeless and like I wasn’t going anywhere in life and even some depression i didn’t even know I had. I’ve been addicted to porn for a long time and it took me a while to even realize let alone admit that it was a problem. It’s not a problem for everybody but for those that it is they may not realize it. You’d be surprised how much it changes your personality and especially how you view not just woman but everyone. It makes you think that societies view of how a man and woman should look is that “perfect” photo shopped add from clothes stores and magazines when in reality nobody looks like that. It makes the “perfect guy muscular with a perfect face and hair and the girls are unrealistically skinny and most don’t realize what hell they go through with there awful health killing diets. And nobody realizes that most porn stars in fact don’t want to do porn and the suicide rate is atrocious. The average life expectancy of a porn star isn’t even 40 years old. The only 2 states that it’s legal in don’t even do it legally. 

The biggest problem is the effect it has on relationships in society. Most divorces are because of porn and other infidelity that is the cause of a porn addiction that got so bad they went to physical cheating. My relationship has taken a huge toll because of what I’ve done with porn. Anna told me from the start that she can’t handle that in a relationship, her anorexia would take over. I did it for an entire year behind her back. When she found out i promised i wouldn’t do it ever again. Of course being an addict that didn’t happen. I couldn’t understand why i wouldn’t stop and i was disgusted with myself inside. This happened a few more times where i said i’d stop and didn’t until she found everything I had done for the past year or so a few months ago and it really hurt us.There is nothing in the world we argue about. There is nothing we can’t have a short conversation about before coming to a compromise. We agree on almost EVERYTHING and am not exaggerating. The things we don’t agree on we talk and come to an agreement but that’s rare we don’t agree on something. We’ve rarely been apart in the past 16 months besides work and class and we still miss each other when we’re apart. We never fight about anything except for my porn addiction. I ruined the best thing I’ve ever had because of it. Fortunately she’s amazing and has stayed with me and is helping me through it. It is still difficult though. We fight more often all about things that come back to what I did. I lied to her constantly as an addict always does and it took a while to know and admit that it was an addiction. Luckily enough it was not as escalated as I have read of others that were much much worse. I never went passed vanilla and I never got Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction, and yes it exists. If you watch and get off to porn too much you may start needing more and more porn and different kinds just to get hard or even turned on at all. Eventually you won’t be able to get an erection, not even for real people. It can be cured by a 90 cleanse from porn and getting off at all. A lot of addicts will go to some fucked up shit on porn sites even child and incest and other taboo shit. Their relationships will crumble and that’s usually what causes divorce. If your partner, girlfriend or whoever you’re with is not ok with it and you do it anyway, you’re letting other woman into the relationship and that’s cheating. It’s infidelity and if it’s left untreated and can escalate to going to other woman physically and emotionally. Some couples and partners are ok with each other watching porn, and that’s fine if they are both ok with it but as long as they know that porn is mostly rape and sex trafficking. They usually start out modeling or something innocent and simple and someone tells them they can make a lot of money just having sex. They start of simple and easy but the next thing they know they’re taking it in every whole and on coke and alcohol just to get through it and they’re pregnant or have syphilis for the fifth time because the tests the male actors get for std’s are mostly fake. That’s not all cases but it is a lot of cases. Like i said, even the legitimate companies don’t abide by the laws. The industry is mostly unregulated. 

Since I’ve stopped, I’ve been so much happier. Work is better, I’m passing classes with more than a C+ i have all A’s now. I finally feel like I’m working on my future because I’ve felt so stuck for so long. And my relationship is better even though there are some fights about the past porn use and what it did. Also the sex is great, it was great before but now it’s the best sex ever every time. Porn really does effect how you interact with people and can very well hinder any kind of intimacy with people, not just in a romantic relationship. Quitting has just overall made me a better person and feel like a better person. I’ve seen so many stories that are very sad and some that are very nice to see that people recover. It’s also nice to see that I’m not alone by long shot. It’s a huge problem not only in the U.S. but it’s such a serious issue in Australia that a mayor declared that he will try to make his city porn free. High school students in Australia take nudes of girls in class and not only rate them but trade them as if it’s a currency.

It really is a serious problem and I know many of you will disagree and I really don’t care about your arguments on this. This is my experience and my opinions with some facts thrown in. This is not me wanting to argue although if you have polite counterpoints or questions I am more than happy to talk. This is a serious issue and I believe awareness of such a problem should be spread to not only help people who share this problem but also address the insecurity that things like this cause with guys and girls alike where they feel they have to match this impossible picture of perfection that society paints and that even their partners/girlfriends/boyfriends expect them to look like. They even say they want someone more porn or model like not knowing the kind of verbal knife that they are using to stab them with. It’s serious shot to self esteem and self worth. I hope everyone can understand this and help make people aware or at least know that this is a problem. I know this was a very long post but thank you for being a real friend to me and taking the time to read it.”

 

I am very proud of the progress he has made and the fact that he was willing to be open about his struggle.

His friends have been so supportive. His sister and brother told him to take down the post because they think it will hurt his chances of employment in the future. His brother also said that post was a lie and that Cody doesn’t have an issue. Cody is upset that his siblings aren’t being supportive, but happy that his friends are.

XOXO Anna

Objectification, Porn, and Society

Cody and I have continued to make progress in our relationship and as individuals. I’ve seen a huge change in Cody since he gave up porn. He is happier, more motivated, engaged in life, and more loving and affectionate and less selfish. It’s only been three months since he has given up porn and the change has been great. I just started going to an eating disorder therapist so I can keep working on myself and how his addiction has impacted me, and I really am excited to work on myself and be able to heal from this.

I’ve been reading about porn and the harmful effects. I have finally been able to find a lot of articles on porn that are non religious. I do not believe porn is harmful because of a religion but because porn causes isolation and intimacy issues. I understand that porn is a topic that is controversial and people have strong opinions about the subject. In my opinion I believe porn is harmful and have been on the other end of a porn addicts addiction. I have been the one hurt by the porn and I have seen the man I love hurt by the porn.

I know most people believe porn is okay and normal because in our society today, porn has become a normal behavior. Sex sells in society and porn has amplified the affects on social media and the way women are presented in ads. I am sad to live in a society where objectification is a normal thing, where porn renders the men in our society incapable of having loving and intimate relationships, where porn feeds objectification and people start thinking that what they see on the screen is normal and perfectly okay. When there are controversial issues in society nothing changes unless people speak out about it. If people remain silent, then they are being complicit.

• Sexual Objectification:“is the act of treating a person as an instrument of sexual pleasure. Objectification more broadly means treating a person as a commodity or an object without regard to their personality or dignity.” – wikipedia

In my opinion porn is not a religious issue, but a moral issue. Most people value honesty, trust, respect, love, faithfulness, kindness, right? If you think of the way you want to be treated, does it match any of the words above? If yes, I agree with you, I would want those things too in any relationship in my life -whether it be romantic or not. Porn fuels ideas of objectification, degradation, and abuse. Cody had no idea he was mostly watching possible rapes. Cody didn’t realize that the women in those scenes most likely didn’t want to do some of those things and were possibly high to get through the scene. Cody didn’t realize that porn was equivalent to him being unfaithful. I know that when someone says “porn is cheating” there is a huge out roar against that statement.

I will break down, why in my opinion porn can be viewed as cheating. But first let’s define cheating, because most people accept society’s standard of cheating as being physically sexually unfaithful, but it can be much more than that. Below is a definition I believe in, and may not apply to everyone.

• Cheating: Going against, or disrespecting boundaries set by another person. Being secretive, or lying to your partner.

I.e. If a boyfriend says he is not okay with his girlfriend talking to her ex-boyfriend and hanging out with him, that is considered cheating within that relationship.

Cheating does not have to only be physical, it can be mental and/or emotional. Some people don’t realize that, and that can cause issues within relationships.

In my relationship with Cody, I told him when I met him that all I ask of someone new in my life is that they are honest and trustworthy because those are two things I value, and I’ve been lied to and betrayed in the past and I don’t put up with that. I rather a person be honest and hurt my feelings than lie to me. If a person tells me the truth I will not get mad, but be glad they respected me enough to tell me. I also told him I could not have porn in my relationship because I struggle with anorexia and would relapse if that was in the relationship. Above I have set boundaries of what I am and am not okay with. Cody did the same for me with mentioning my ex’s and such.

I know that I have always wanted to have a monogamous relationship, meaning me and my partner are sexually exclusive (in real life and online). If my partner watched porn in the relationship I would not conducer that a monogamous relationship. Imagine you have a boyfriend or girlfriend and you mentioned you were or weren’t okay with a behavior, and that person betrayed that. Would you not feel cheated? Would you not feel disrespected?

I know this post won’t really change anything, but I wanted to talk about it. I didn’t want to be silent. I posted about porn on my Facebook page and had guys shut me down on the subject, saying porn wasn’t an issue and such, and Cody stepped in and shot them down. The thing that most people don’t realize is porn is addictive, it can change your neural pathways and inhibit one from being able to have sex with a real person, and porn destroys much more than a romantic life. Porn can keep a person isolated, depressed, and can cause job loss if caught doing that at work. Porn has been compared to heroin in it’s addictive effects.

I’ll admit I am scared to post this because of how people reacted on Facebook, but then again, I am anonymous on this site, and this is exactly why. I want to be able to voice my opinion safely and respectfully. I am going to link an article I really enjoyed reading. I learned a lot more about the affects of porn aside from the addiction side of it.

The Social & Cultural Poverty of Pornography: When the New Narcotic Shapes Society

A video, by Laci Green, talks about sexual objectification, and her channel is amazing, and I admire the way she explains concepts, so check this video out if you want to hear more about objectification, since I on this blog that is anonymous cannot post a video about objectification.

SEX OBJECTS BS

Anyways, hope you enjoyed the post! I know I haven’t posted in a while but I finally had time today.

XOXO Anna

Slowly Getting Back to Normal

Since I last posted, Cody’s anxiety has gotten better. I assume the zoloft has started to take some effect. We also had a really good talk this weekend. I opened up a lot, finally about a lot of things I guess I’d been holding in. This weekend was honestly a gift. We had a lot of fun, and we communicated a lot better. Even this morning, I got upset about something and I was able to tell Cody what I needed and wanted, which has always been something I struggle with.

School has been good, I really enjoy my classes, and even better, Cody enjoys his classes. I have a lot of hope for us this semester with school and grades. I worry, though, that Cody might have urges for porn or actually use at some point if he gets too stressed since school was one of his biggest triggers…only time will tell though.

XOXO Anna

Progress all around!

My summer english class has been very interesting. My first graded paper is due this week so I am a bit nervous, but the teacher and I spoke one day after class and he said that there was something there in my writing. I told him I used to be a dramatic writing and creative writing major and minor. He said that was it, he could see that I am creative, have good grammar, and know what I am doing. I was shocked because I have never really had any teacher tell me I am good at grammar.

Then this weekend with Cody was AMAZING. I mean, I am still in awe of how much progress he made, but also us as a couple made. Sex had been a issue for about two weeks. This weekend, well suddenly Cody wasn’t depressed any more and he wanted me. It was amazing to feel wanted. He also, when we hung out with his dad this weekend, told his dad about his porn addiction. I mean, we were sitting down at lunch with his dad, talking about  his parents divorce, and then he told his dad the reason we had been having issues in Ohio was because I had found out he was a porn addict. We explained how I have anorexia and how I told him that couldn’t be a part of the relationship from the beginning, and how he hid it from me until I found out like two months ago. His dad did not judge either of us. In fact I felt like his dad respected me more because I stayed and have been helping him get through this. But the progress we made is amazing. Personally I am really struggling with my anorexia, Ed keeps telling me I am not skinny enough, so that sucks, but I am getting through it.

Over all things are turning around!

XOXO Anna

Summer Class and Cody

I started my English class this week and my teacher is strict but awesome. I am about to learn so much and the class excites me. Cody went with me to New York the first day and he got jealous of his kid that I ran into on the subway last semester. It was strange. Suddenly Cody is jealous again, and I don’t know if it’s because he thinks he is going to lose me but it was strange.

Then Cody was awesome yesterday when I was in the kitchen dancing to this song that turns me on, he came in and danced with me and my god it was amazing. Cody hates dancing but he danced with me and fuck… every time I replay it in my head I feel so wanted, desired, sexy, and loved. I want that again. I want Cody to dance with me again.

Cody’s therapist is stupid or just doesn’t understand addiction. She suggested that Cody and I watch porn together, but “feminist approved” porn… seriously stupid and pissed me off. Of course, Cody knew that was a stupid suggestion and didn’t take it seriously. Cody is going to hang out with a friend after work and I might hang out with a friend too.

XOXO Anna

Anorexia Progress!!

Today I made huge steps forward in my recovery all around. Not only did I see progress with my anorexia but also progress in healing from Cody’s addiction. Today my mood was up and I finally got around to doing all the chores that are my responsibility in the relationship. I felt really good about that. Because since I found out I have been depressed and unable to do the simplest of things, yet today I ran errands, did the chores, cleaned, etc. It felt good to go back to a routine that I know. Then I went to my parents house to finish up laundry because at our apartment complex the laundry costs $3.00 and we don’t have money to spare and that’s expensive for laundry. I was looking for loose change around the house and I looked in my parents room and opened a drawer and found a safety pin. For those who don’t know, I used to cut with safety pins, so finding one was interesting. I wanted to take it, but I put it back in the drawer and closed it and walked away. Then I saw that my parents got a new scale, one that is glass and fancy and I was curious if it worked so I put some pressure down and it did. Part of me knew I shouldn’t get on the scale but I did anyways, and when I saw the number I didn’t get freaked out. It seemed to have no affect on me. I used to be controlled by that number. Now, my thought process is, “Oh that’s not bad, that’s normal.” I’ve never been able to think that before. Back when I was in my anorexia the number I saw today would have been horrifying, but I’ve been higher than the number I was today when I was in treatment, but today the number was nothing to me. So I am proud of myself for not defining myself by a stupid number. I define myself by my personality and my interests.

XOXO Anna

I Feel Like A Princess!

Today has been impressive. I honestly was down about Cody because I wasn’t sure I could get in the mood for sex. Cody got home and was tired, I said he should take a nap while I finished an episode on netflix. I realized the dishes needed to be done and I figured it wouldn’t get done later so I paused my show and started doing the dishes, kind of feeling annoyed because it’s something Cody and I agreed would be a shared chore we do together. I did a couple dishes and then Cody was behind me with a towel in hand and started drying dishes.

I was so impressed and shocked and turned on. Yes, turned on. For some reason doing dishes with Cody has always put me in the mood. He also got me more in the mood by standing right behind means kissing my neck as I did the dishes. We didn’t end up finishing the dishes. We went to the bedroom and had amazingly passionate, fun, intimate sex.

Then we talked in the shower when cleaning up and he was going to go get take out since we are celebrating his one month in recovery of being honest and clean from porn and he took the trash out when he left. My god he worked on recovery today and made me feel like he takes our relationship seriously and loves me. Today at work, he watched the rest of the video I had sent him the other day, and he made an account on Rebootnation which I mentioned in my post earlier today. But I am seriously impressed with him, plus he made me feel so cared about and loved. He really did make me feel like a princess. I told him that it really was the little things that made me feel loved.

I posted about him cutting me up an apple once and how that really made me feel loved, I also told him that him picking out the vegetables in my lo mein noodles one night made me feel loved, and tonight it was him doing the dishes with me instead of napping.

Seriously happy right now!

XOXO Anna

One Month

Today marks one month of Cody being honest with me about his addiction. He has done really well with calling me if he feels an uncomfortable emotion, and notifying me of when he gets to work and leaves. I’m proud of him for the progress he has made.

At the same time of me being proud, I also wonder about how serious he takes all this. We had a fight and talk last night of him not being able to take anything in his life seriously. I had gotten fed up with Cody because he wasn’t getting what I was talking about and I broke down and he got upset, and I told him everything he probably didn’t want to hear. He has lived in denial about his childhood. His parents divorced when he was about 11. He claims he had the best childhood with loving parents and made it seem like a perfect dream. Yet of course, I knew better than to believe that when we first had that conversation within the first month of our relationship, but I wasn’t going to burst his bubble. Instead, I would bring up that topic from time to time and ask how the divorce affected him. There are other personal details about his parents that I won’t reveal out of respect but there was a lot of…not the best environment to be growing up in.

So last night I was done with him living in a fantasy world. I gave him tough love and spelled out exactly how the divorce and other not healthy situations must have made him feel as a child. No child wants an unstable living environment growing up. No child wants to be the messenger boy between parents. I got him to realize that he needs to look at his childhood more. He has always mentioned 4th grade when talking about his childhood, which is when his parents divorced. That is when he noticed or remembers that he stopped doing homework and became lazy.

Cody came to the conclusion that he is lazy and doesn’t put effort into every area of his life because he doesn’t care about himself he said. That was very sad and powerful to hear. I know that I came to the realization that my childhood wasn’t perfect and I saw my parents as people instead of heroes on a pedestal years ago, so Cody is catching up with that. With my own addictions (anorexia, self-harm, drinking) I relayed I didn’t care about myself, or if I did, it was so minimally. But through my recovery I’ve learned to really appreciate myself, and love parts of myself. I am no where near close to fully loving and accepting every part of me, but I’ve made a lot of progress through the years. Now it’s time for Cody to embark on his own journey of self-discovery, with a therapist to help him.

This whole conversation happened because he didn’t work on recovery yesterday which was a huge disappointment to me. He didn’t make an account on Rebootnation, which is helpful, and he didn’t finish watching this video I sent him about porn and how bad it is from an ex-porn star Shelley Lubben. It was a very powerful video to watch, and I will link it here. It’s really worth the watch, it really opened my eyes up to some things I didn’t even know. We also didn’t have sex either which was mentioned that it might happen. Cody got in the shower alone after parkour…earlier that day we discussed we would relax when he gets home from parkour, then shower together and get in the mood, so there wasn’t even a chance for me to fight for us to have intimacy yesterday. Though he just messaged me and said he just made an account, so I am proud he took that step forward.

XOXO Anna

Finally Some Help!

So I totally forgot to post about Cody and I switching our phones back. We found an app, for android systems called Mobile Fence Parental Control and it has honestly been a life saver! The app is AMAZING. I can see what Cody is doing from my computer or the tablet we have because I set that as the parental device where as Cody’s is the childs. It is a free month trial and then it’s $28.50 for a year subscription for 3 devices. I know I’m going to be getting an android galaxy phone after my iPhone so I will get that plan to keep Cody’s device, the tablet, and my new phone when I get it which will be sometime later this year.

Another great site I found was RebootNation. Its a forum for those struggling with sex addiction and their partners. I made an account under AnonymousAnnaXO and I am going to make my first post today I hope. I also talked to Andy yesterday and told him about the situation between Cody and I. He has been the only person to take the situation seriously and offer me real advice and support. So I really appreciate Andy talking to me over Facebook yesterday it helped me and validated what I was going through.

XOXO Anna

I Hate Sex

For the past couple of days, maybe a week or so, sex has been…difficult. I love Cody, and for me, sex is something that I use to feel closer to him through all this, but at the same time it can be triggering. It brings out all my insecurities.

Sex doesn’t suck because Cody is bad at sex, that is very far from the truth. He is great, and pleases me, even though he confessed to me he doesn’t think he can anymore. Sex sucks because all I can do is compare myself to porn stars in my head while I’m having sex to see if I am good enough. I don’t initiate anymore, and well…in the past I usually would have to initiate…which I hate. So now I’ll give hints that I want sex and Cody knows it and doesn’t do anything. He then confessed to me last night that he thinks that he will disappoint me. Lately he has been pretty quick to cumming, and I guess he feels bad because he will have to cum either before I’ve gotten there or it will be in the middle and he will have to pull out to finish himself. I get that he feels bad, but what’s worse is feeling unwanted.

I already feel unwanted. Obviously I feel that way since for a year he had his porn and his addiction wanted that more than me… at least that’s the way I view it. Cody says he loves me and wants me and all that, but I don’t fully feel it yet. I logically know he is saying the truth, but emotionally it’s still disconnected.

What’s worse is that I have it in my head that I have to do porn to be “worthy” of being wanted by Cody, which he has said many times to me is not what he wants. I just feel like I have to be porn, whether it’s posting sexy photos on Instagram or social media, or taking more sexy pics for just him…but I know that doesn’t work either. I’ve taken pictures of myself in lingerie and given them to him, that was part of his christmas gift. But that didn’t work. He explained it to me that Richard (his sex addiction) doesn’t think of girlfriends as porn, thus he would not use my photos in that way. I gave those to him to keep him from looking at other girls because I thought if he really needed to look and watch naked girls, then if I gave him some pictures of me (the person who he claims he wants to be with) then that would be sufficient. I guess that still hurts, knowing that I wasn’t enough in those photo’s. I know, I know, it’s his addiction and it has nothing to do with me, but I just am struggling so much with that idea.

Cody and I talked before he left for work because I felt shitty this morning because he was turned on and made me aware of it, and then I try to follow his lead and I hint that we could go to the shower and do stuff, but he was so tired he just passed out again. I was confused and annoyed and felt rejected. Why would he make me aware of his boner, make me feel it, and then just ignore that I said we could do stuff in the shower. I get it though, he is exhausted, which is fine. It’s the teasing that wasn’t. I’m extremely sensitive to any sexual rejection, and to me I felt rejected because I got on him and tried kissing him and stuff, and well…I failed at getting him to want to go to the shower with me. I told him that in the future I would appreciate that he doesn’t have to let me know he has a boner unless he actually wants to do something.

Today I am going to be reading the book called, Facing Heartbreak Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts and I am rewatching Dexter season 7 when Deb finds out about Dexter. I also wanted to watch another documentary on porn too. Idk, feeling overwhelmed.

XOXO Anna

Why Can’t I Be Barbie?

So I am triggered while writing this. Not PTSD from the sexual trauma’s but PTSD like reactions to Cody and me and sex. This article will explain what I mean by the trauma.

So Cody was turned on when we woke up and were cuddling. I was shocked because I was so busy giving our cat Luvas attention. Cody preceded to make out with me and stuff, and we had sex. Of course I’m on my period, day 4, and I was still worried about sex. Not because I am freaked by the blood, but because it means I’m human, and porn girls, well they’re not exactly human. There’s an illusion of perfection. They are flawless, perfect, which by definition is inhuman. So I am still hating the fact that I am human.

Anyways, we were having nice sex, and Cody of course pulled out a couple times because it was too good, and there was one time were I was about to cum and he pulled out and he kinda half way came. He grabbed tissues to clean up and saw t hat obviously there was a bit of blood and was obviously freaked a bit by it and I instantly felt like crap. I told him that sex was over. I honestly didn’t want to deal with rejection. If he half way came and was freaked by blood I rather be stuck with about to cum and end it rather than try again and have him not be hard, thus me feeling rejected and like crap even more.

I already feel obnoxiously self-conscious since I found out, and super sensitive about sex and me being naked and more so about eating, but I’ve kept Ed from controlling me as much as possible. I already, for my whole life, felt the pressure to be perfect. Now I feel, again, that I have to be perfect, except this time it’s more intense. At least in the past if I wasn’t physically perfect, or perfect in any way there wasn’t too much of a consequence because I never had a boyfriend or anyone besides my family that I would let down.

Now I feel like if I’m not perfect I’ll be a trigger for Cody to go back to his addiction. I feel like I’m not good enough, and that I will never be because I am human. I can never be a porn star unless I waste hours of my day working on my looks. Taking an hour to do make up, and hour to do hair, and find the perfect clothes, and be the perfect trophy girl. If you’ve read my blog before, you know I’ve always been the trophy girl to whatever boyfriend I had. I was perfect. Cody has told me he doesn’t want a trophy girl and is glad that I have substance and am not just my looks. Yet his addiction makes me feel otherwise. With Cody, it’s true I haven’t put effort into being the trophy girl only because he made me feel like I was more than just arm candy. Yet again the addiction makes me think if I fucking tried to be the trophy girl this whole time it would have been different, which I know is completely irrational because it’s an addiction. I rationally know it’s about him and has nothing to do with me, but with my anorexia and Ed shiting on me it’s hard to see that.

Point being I grew up with all my girl “friends” dressing me up, doing my hair, doing my make up, making me feel like barbie, especially because I had blonde hair. I was treated like Barbie for years and hated it, and now ironically that’s all I want. Porn… you evil mistress… you’re perfect. You have no flaws. Yet all normal girls do and we can’t compete. It’s impossible to compete. I mean, I could hire Serena to do my hair and makeup every day and pay her, because honestly she would fucking love that. I could do the whole getting my hair and make up done, and find the right clothes. But even with that I’m not the perfect porn girl. Porn girls do anything and everything for the guy with no needs or opinions or feelings of their own. Their sole existence is to please the guy. I can be submissive at times, but I’m not that submissive. I have a fiery, spunky, personality and don’t take shit. I fucking call people out when they’re ignorant or wrong, and I stand up for myself and don’t let people walk all over me anymore. But that’s not what porn girls are. So porn girls are the complete opposite of my personality so that’s another reason I can never be that.

Sorry for ranting but I needed to vent and get this out. Honestly, because I haven’t found much support for partners of porn addicts, this blog is the only place I’ve been able to talk about it, vent, try to heal,and so on.

Anyways thanks for reading my stupid emotional roller coaster of healing or trying to heal…

XOXO Anna

The Hunting Ground

I just watched the documentary The Hunting Ground on Netflix and it was amazing. As someone who has been sexually assaulted, and raped twice, it really hit home for me. Honestly watching the documentary was terrifying. Terrifying because of how rampant a problem it is, not that I didn’t know, but hearing their stories, and seeing how poorly College Universities handled it was sickening. It makes me not want my kids to go to a college one day, because I would hate for my kid to have the same fate as me.

I went to the Savannah College of Art and Design in Savannah, Georgia and I somewhat reported what Peter did to me. I talked to a therapist who was extremely helpful to me through the situation, and when going to the person who handles reports, she explained to me what would happen if I ended up reporting through the school or through the police. I know that if you report through SCAD it protects them, and when if reporting to the police I believe they don’t reveal that the student went to SCAD because it’s a private college. Personally I think that’s stupid. I went to SCAD and yes, it was a SCAD senior at the time who sexually assaulted me, but it wasn’t on campus but at his apartment. I ended up not reporting Peter, as you know if you’ve read my blog.

I did end up reporting Monster, the boyfriend who raped me, a year after it happened. He went to GCSU (Georgia College and State University) in Milledgeville, GA. I remember reporting was not fun. The police officer was a man, and I could tell how skeptical he was of me reporting. He asked why I waited and I told him it was because I thought no one would support me, and at the time I didn’t have anyone who would come with me to do it. Milledgeville is a three hour drive from Savannah, so it’s a long trek to go alone, especially when I could have run into Monster… In the room was the officer, myself, and a person from the university who handles cases within the university. In the end the police didn’t convict. They said they didn’t have sufficient evidence. The school however said they were still looking into it. I remember, and still have, the letter I got from the school saying they didn’t find sufficient evidence. I do have to wonder if they talked to any of Monsters friends who were there that night who witnessed how drunk I was and the fact that I had a flashback and I couldn’t walk…

When I reported Owen to the Savannah Chatham County Police, that was a completely different experience. I remember going there with Ramone and the woman at the desk was very supportive as I was breaking down crying waiting to talk to an officer. Ramone explained to the desk officer why I was breaking down, because my parents told me not to report. The woman told me I was doing the right thing. Eventually we saw an officer and he took down my statement and said he would pass it onto the sexual assault officer and I eventually got a call from that officer a couple days later. He again took my statement and worked with me. We did a recorded phone call and of course Owen had known I reported and played as if nothing happened that night. The officer told me he would do what he could and still investigate after that. He called the Rape Crisis in Savannah since I was in a suicidal state after that phone call. I went to Andy’s apartment where Quick Silver was also at. That night was terrifying and sad. Andy and Quick Silver kept me from doing anything to myself and helped me through the night.

The officer lied to me, I believe. My police professor at the college I go to now told me that a recorded phone call, if the perp denies anything happened then the case is ended. So I was pissed to know that my officer gave me false hope. I wish he was straight with me and told me there was nothing else he could do.

I obviously am being more open about my experience with my assaults in this post, and that’s because I want to be. Before I was scared. I mean, why do you think my blog is anonymous. I fear the repercussions of standing up for myself against these men. I fear what people will think of me if they knew who I really was.

Cody, India, Ramone, Quick Silver, and Andy are the only ones who gave me the reaction I was hoping for after telling them. My sister obviously told me it wasn’t my fault. Cody said the same thing and cried with me and held me and told me he couldn’t believe anyone could do such terrible things to me and that he wished he could hurt them in my defense. Ramone was horrified when I told him and he took me to the station, gave me the courage and support I needed to be able to report. Quick Silver told me that Owen raped me and reporting was my choice. Andy got angry and was about to go defend my honor. No one had shown anger for me when I told them except for Andy and Cody. Most just blamed me or asked why I did what I did, or what could I have done differently, or was I sure it was rape. Those were people I thought were my friends.

For those who are reading this and have been through similar situations I am sorry. I wish that rape and assault could end and not exist. It is so prominent in our culture and it makes me angry. That is why I am posting and being open. This documentary made me so angry to see all these women and hear their stories and know how terribly the colleges handled it. If anyone ever needs to reach out or talk, I’m here to listen. Seriously, my email is on the side of my site, feel free to shoot me an email if you need someone to talk to. I know how crappy and terrible it is to go through such a scary experience. I know how scary PTSD can be. I’ve been through it and still sometimes suffer from it. But there is hope and recovery is possible. Also, I’ve written this before, but those of you have gone through this…you are not a victim but a survivor. It takes tremendous courage and strength to keep going after such a traumatic violation. Especially when people turn on you. So know that you are not alone and you are strong. I believe in all of you and know that you can get through this.

XOXO Anna

More Progress! Getting Impressed!

Last night we went to SAA and I was extremely uncomfortable for the first twenty minutes. I could feel my body completely tense and anxious. But honestly by the end of the meeting I felt myself relating to the things some of them shared, about their feelings, about how they wished to stay open and honest with their wives and so much more. They told us the Saturday meetings had more people, and people in recovery with a lot more sobriety. We are going to go to a saturday meeting, or maybe just Cody will, and I really hope Cody finds some people he can talk to, and hopefully, even a sponsor if he chooses that.

Before we went to SAA last night Cody emailed a therapist! I was so freaking proud of him. He wrote the email, and sent it. Later that night the therapist replied that she wasn’t taking any new clients but referred him to another therapist in the building who knew about addiction. So I asked Cody to copy and paste the email he sent to the first therapist and send it to the recommended one today… so fingers crossed he does it/doesn’t forget!

Cody is making so much progress with his recovery, and I feel stuck in mine. I’ve moved forward since I first found out. I’ve even mentioned key moments where Cody has showed me he is trustworthy, and has earned a small bit of trust back, and has given me faith and hope that he can do this. He has shown me in small moments through out this month he is serious, is being honest, and is recovering.

For me, I’ve made progress by being able to now get off in the shower, which was something I couldn’t do because that’s where Cody would do it behind my back in the early morning. So that was a huge step forward for me. I keep getting stuck on the being “human” or “imperfect” thing. I am really feeling down because I got my period the other day which reminded me that in porn girls never get their period. Just another way I “suck” and can’t compete, at least that’s the emotional part of my brain, or even Ed talking to me. Yesterday Cody and I didn’t have sex. I kinda sadly wanted to, but I didn’t mention it because I really don’t want to get rejected. I still feel totally vulnerable and very scared around sex.

For me, now I am constantly in my head thinking about how imperfect I am, or if what I’m doing is porn-like, or if it’s good enough, or if I’m sexy enough, etc. It’s draining to think like that. I logically know that I…am better than porn. And damn that sentence was really hard to write, because part of me still thinks I’m not… but anyways! I give Cody a lot more than some girl on a screen, right? I can give him support, cheer him on, love him, comfort him, be his best friend, etc… I’m sure there’s more…

I mean, there are times when I think back to what happened and the times he did all that behind my back and sometimes, sometimes, I don’t feel the pain, and other times it consumes me. I’m obviously still working through the stages of grief… But I’m getting through it slowly. The main thing I need to focus on is rebuilding my own confidence, inside and outside of the bedroom. My confidence has been stomped on with the discovery of Cody’s porn addiction. Suddenly everything I thought was real or true just isn’t. There are obviously things that I realize are true, but then there are things that I am still working on in that manner.

Ed is loving this, he wants to feed off of this situation and I’ve been doing my best to not let Ed take over. He wants to tell me I’m not good enough and I never will be. He has told me that, even before I knew all this, those were my daily thoughts, but since finding out Ed has been laughing at me because he tells me he was right the whole time and Cody doing that proves that I am not good enough in any way. Of course, I am doing my best to fight off the irrational thoughts.

Another thing is I haven’t found much support for partners of sex and porn addicts… Most sites I find for sex and porn addicts are connected to religion, which I think is stupid. I am not religious and I do not believe that sex and porn addiction be strictly tied with religion. I don’t believe porn is wrong because “God” says it is. I believe porn is wrong because it harms human beings. It is harmful to those being filmed, it is harmful to the people who watch it, and it is harmful to the partners. That’s why I believe it’s wrong. I even, finally, found a website that is against porn that is not religious!

Fight The New Drug is the site, and there is a lot of GREAT information. Check it out if you’re a partner or an addict yourself.

But anyways, just trying to stay strong through all this!

XOXO Anna

Recovery Progress

Cody chose to go to SAA and today he told me about a link he clicked on  because it was under the shopify forum about the code or something and Cody thought it would help him, and it ended up being a bikini bathing suit site and he told me about it and clicked off of it. It brought up a lot of feelings for me. I have anxiety at the moment and I feel like I’m having an emotional flashback to when I found out about his porn addiction. I haven’t really cried but some tears escaped which shocked me but I’m trying to not let the anxiety get to me…

XOXO Anna

About To Find Out The Truth

Cody and I agreed recovery would be number one. He is about to be put to the test. I have stopped parenting him and have realized that he is in charge of his own recovery and it’s not my place to decide things.

His dad invited us to go to a concert tomorrow night, which also happens to be the only night where there is an SAA meeting in our area, every thursday at 8:00 pm. I am very nervous to hear what Cody decides. Go see a band he saw four years ago and loved and has the chance to see again, or choose recovery… I can honestly tell you I have no idea what he is going to choose. Only time will tell. Has anyone else ever had a partner that was an addict (doesn’t matter what the addiction is) and had to step back and see if their partner was serious about recovery? And if so, how did you handle it if they chose something besides recovery? I just want to be prepared for whatever Cody chooses.

I don’t want to tell him to go to the SAA meeting because it doesn’t matter unless he chooses it. Recovery works only when the person needing recovery wants to recover. I can’t force recovery on him. I am nervous about his decision though. We agreed recovery would be number one, which again, I can’t trust that because it’s easy to agree to something when there’s nothing getting in the way of recovery. The true test is when you have to choose recovery over something you would rather do. That shows the seriousness and stuff. I mean, he said he would do anything to show me he is serious about recovery, and I know you can never trust an addict with his words, but with his actions… so I am nervous about finding out if I really do matter. I personally feel like if he meant he loved me and all the promises he has made he will choose recovery. In the end let’s think, is it worth going to a concert to lose the progress he has shown me he has made and show me what is serious in his life, or is it worth it to skip a concert of a band you’ve seen before and prove to your partner how serious you are about being in recovery and proving you love them?

For me, when I went to AA back in GA I knew the only way I was going to get better was to get distance from my friends and not party. It was extremely hard, I went through a phase of not having any friends because I just couldn’t be in that environment that they all loved. Eventually I got to a place where I could go to a party and either not drink or have just one, but it took a while to get there. I don’t know, I know Cody and I are two very different people, with different personalities. I am serious and determined and ambitious. Cody is a dreamer, lazy, and laid back. I can be lazy too, but when push comes to shove I step up. That’s where I think Cody and I are different. I don’t have much hope for Cody making his decision, really because it’s the first time he is being tested in his recovery…but I just am trying to prepare myself to be okay with whatever he decides…

XOXO Anna

Wedding and Re-Promise Proposal

We went to Ohio this past weekend for Cody’s cousins wedding. She is 21, so a year younger than us. Her story of meeting her fiancé was crazy. She hated dating sites and she lost a bet and made a Tinder account and within ten minutes of making it her fiancé was her first match! I never thought Tinder would work, but I just saw a wedding that proves that Tinder might actually have hope for finding a real relationship haha.

Anyways Cody and I really had a wonderful weekend. We made a lot of progress with communication, respect, and compromising. Then last night we got back and I was tired and Ed (my anorexia) got the better of me and I freaked out after I ate about my body and not being good enough and stuff. Cody got frustrated because he felt I would never feel good enough for him because of his porn addiction. He told me to sit on the couch and stay there.

He came back and got down on one knee and kinda pre-proposed. It was the most adorable thing in the world. First off, he held the wrong hand as he started to pre-propose, and I told him and he grabbed my left hand and started over again, and was like, “Shit I don’t know what I’m doing.” It was adorable how nervous he was. He basically in the end said, “Anna, will you marry me when I’m ready, meaning once I feel like I am over my addiction or feel like I won’t relapse, and have the money for a real ring?” I was kinda speechless because I wasn’t sure if he was just fucking with me.

It took me the rest of the night to process it, but he basically wanted to redo our promise to each other now that everything was out in the open, and he wanted to know that I would marry him after all this. I guess he doubted that I would say yes still, but that was cute. I love him so much, and I still can’t get over how cute he was. He was ridiculously nervous and was that cute awkward when he was down on one knee trying to pre-propose “correctly” but I will cherish that memory forever.

Cody and I have made a lot of improvements this past month. This weekend accelerated our progress, and Cody has earned a bit of trust back. We were in a book store and there were a bunch of sex position books and there were ones that were pornographic with real couples and there was some with drawings. I handed Cody the one with the drawings, and then he turned the page and saw a real couple and slammed the book shut and literally threw it down on the book shelf. He looked so shocked and uneasy. I could tell that his reaction was real and he didn’t just shut the book and put it down because of me and the porn thing. He did it because he didn’t want to see that stuff. He wanted to be sober and in recovery. That is why he has earned some trust back. I am very proud of him, and I felt bad because I had handed him that book thinking it was just drawings… but he handled the situation so well. Cody has made me very proud of him these past few days and has given me faith in him and earned some trust back.

XOXO Anna