The Hunting Ground

I just watched the documentary The Hunting Ground on Netflix and it was amazing. As someone who has been sexually assaulted, and raped twice, it really hit home for me. Honestly watching the documentary was terrifying. Terrifying because of how rampant a problem it is, not that I didn’t know, but hearing their stories, and seeing how poorly College Universities handled it was sickening. It makes me not want my kids to go to a college one day, because I would hate for my kid to have the same fate as me.

I went to the Savannah College of Art and Design in Savannah, Georgia and I somewhat reported what Peter did to me. I talked to a therapist who was extremely helpful to me through the situation, and when going to the person who handles reports, she explained to me what would happen if I ended up reporting through the school or through the police. I know that if you report through SCAD it protects them, and when if reporting to the police I believe they don’t reveal that the student went to SCAD because it’s a private college. Personally I think that’s stupid. I went to SCAD and yes, it was a SCAD senior at the time who sexually assaulted me, but it wasn’t on campus but at his apartment. I ended up not reporting Peter, as you know if you’ve read my blog.

I did end up reporting Monster, the boyfriend who raped me, a year after it happened. He went to GCSU (Georgia College and State University) in Milledgeville, GA. I remember reporting was not fun. The police officer was a man, and I could tell how skeptical he was of me reporting. He asked why I waited and I told him it was because I thought no one would support me, and at the time I didn’t have anyone who would come with me to do it. Milledgeville is a three hour drive from Savannah, so it’s a long trek to go alone, especially when I could have run into Monster… In the room was the officer, myself, and a person from the university who handles cases within the university. In the end the police didn’t convict. They said they didn’t have sufficient evidence. The school however said they were still looking into it. I remember, and still have, the letter I got from the school saying they didn’t find sufficient evidence. I do have to wonder if they talked to any of Monsters friends who were there that night who witnessed how drunk I was and the fact that I had a flashback and I couldn’t walk…

When I reported Owen to the Savannah Chatham County Police, that was a completely different experience. I remember going there with Ramone and the woman at the desk was very supportive as I was breaking down crying waiting to talk to an officer. Ramone explained to the desk officer why I was breaking down, because my parents told me not to report. The woman told me I was doing the right thing. Eventually we saw an officer and he took down my statement and said he would pass it onto the sexual assault officer and I eventually got a call from that officer a couple days later. He again took my statement and worked with me. We did a recorded phone call and of course Owen had known I reported and played as if nothing happened that night. The officer told me he would do what he could and still investigate after that. He called the Rape Crisis in Savannah since I was in a suicidal state after that phone call. I went to Andy’s apartment where Quick Silver was also at. That night was terrifying and sad. Andy and Quick Silver kept me from doing anything to myself and helped me through the night.

The officer lied to me, I believe. My police professor at the college I go to now told me that a recorded phone call, if the perp denies anything happened then the case is ended. So I was pissed to know that my officer gave me false hope. I wish he was straight with me and told me there was nothing else he could do.

I obviously am being more open about my experience with my assaults in this post, and that’s because I want to be. Before I was scared. I mean, why do you think my blog is anonymous. I fear the repercussions of standing up for myself against these men. I fear what people will think of me if they knew who I really was.

Cody, India, Ramone, Quick Silver, and Andy are the only ones who gave me the reaction I was hoping for after telling them. My sister obviously told me it wasn’t my fault. Cody said the same thing and cried with me and held me and told me he couldn’t believe anyone could do such terrible things to me and that he wished he could hurt them in my defense. Ramone was horrified when I told him and he took me to the station, gave me the courage and support I needed to be able to report. Quick Silver told me that Owen raped me and reporting was my choice. Andy got angry and was about to go defend my honor. No one had shown anger for me when I told them except for Andy and Cody. Most just blamed me or asked why I did what I did, or what could I have done differently, or was I sure it was rape. Those were people I thought were my friends.

For those who are reading this and have been through similar situations I am sorry. I wish that rape and assault could end and not exist. It is so prominent in our culture and it makes me angry. That is why I am posting and being open. This documentary made me so angry to see all these women and hear their stories and know how terribly the colleges handled it. If anyone ever needs to reach out or talk, I’m here to listen. Seriously, my email is on the side of my site, feel free to shoot me an email if you need someone to talk to. I know how crappy and terrible it is to go through such a scary experience. I know how scary PTSD can be. I’ve been through it and still sometimes suffer from it. But there is hope and recovery is possible. Also, I’ve written this before, but those of you have gone through this…you are not a victim but a survivor. It takes tremendous courage and strength to keep going after such a traumatic violation. Especially when people turn on you. So know that you are not alone and you are strong. I believe in all of you and know that you can get through this.

XOXO Anna

Undeserving

I can’t tell you how many times I feel undeserving or unworthy of something. It’s honestly sad as I have come to notice it more and more. It’s my birthday today, so I should be able to feel like it’s okay to have what I want…but I still don’t. There’s this painting that I saw my freshman year…it’s four years later and I still haven’t gotten it for myself. I hate spending money, if I am spending it on me. I personally don’t think I should spend $70 on myself, I feel selfish. Hell, having this trip to Savannah… I feel bad. Thinking about how much it cost my parents I feel like crap. That’s why I used my $100 from Christmas to pay for a fancy dinner the other night.

When I make mistakes I feel even more undeserving. I think, or I guess, or I did make a mistake. We were hanging with Andy…and I guess I walked too close to him? Or I was just walking next to him and Cody felt like a third wheel at times. I didn’t know that. I tried to walk in between the two of them that way none of us felt like a third wheel. Though when we got ice cream Cody and Andy talked about cars the whole time. I kinda just zoned out and let them be guys. But that’s the thing I hate with being a girl that has only guy friends, I don’t always fit in and I can be left out. It’s not their fault, it’s just we sometimes have different interests. I was actually annoyed because they were talking so much about cars. I wanted to jump in the conversation at times and barely did. Andy is my friend…aren’t I supposed to be the one talking to him? But I am happy that Cody got along with Andy. Though Cody is mad(?) upset(?) not happy with(?) me because Cody said he felt like a third wheel when we were walking around town after ice cream.

I always stick to the front of a group because when growing up I would always be left out and in the back. Now a days I always try to stay with the person who is leading. Andy was leading us to a cigar shop. I didn’t know where it was. I followed Andy and stuck by him. I didn’t mean for it to hurt Cody or anything like that. I feel like shit cuz of it. He felt the same way about Ethan when we hung out with him on monday night. Fuck me for being a dumbass.

I don’t know how to get out of this mood now…

XOXO Anna

Satisfaction and It’s My Birthday!

Yesterday was fun again. Cody and I had amazing sex again. We met up with more friends and drank and got a nice dinner. My favorite part of yesterday was going into the club that Eric works at as a bartender now. I was wearing this skin tight blue dress, that Eric once told me I looked amazing in right after our breakup. Cody and I walk in, we sit down and I turn my head up when Eric comes over and his face was priceless.

He looked so petrified and literally if you could imagine the word “Fuck” across someone’s face that what he looked like. I wish I had a picture!

So he asks “what do you want to drink?”

I say, “Shocktop.”

He says, “we don’t have that.”

I say, “well, what do you have that’s similar?”

He doesn’t respond.

“You have beer right?” I asked.

He nods, “Yeah we have beer.”

“Okay so what do you have that’s like Shocktop,” I reply.

He starts listing some things I’ve hear and I reject each one. He goes away for a second and talks to his bosses and comes back saying that they have Bluemoon.

Cody and I nod and Eric goes to get our drinks. He brings back one Bluemoon and a Cors Light and goes to serve other people. I tell Cody that Eric brought me the wrong beer. Cody told me to tell Eric. When Eric came back to our side I caught his attention and turned the beer to him to show him the label.

“Looks like someone doesn’t know how to stock,” Eric said nervously.

Yeah I did give him some attitude but it was funny to watch Eric’s response. Then after he gave me the correct beer Eric totally started to try to show off with his bar “skills” with flipping bottles and dancing and stuff. It was actually kind of sad. But Cody and I had a great time and kissed and talked and made out and talked.

I wanted to go into that bar the night before but chickened out, so I am really proud I had the courage to go in and show Eric that I was doing great. He hurt me badly and I am not one for revenge or any of that, but going into that bar and seeing his face was priceless.

When Cody and I got back to the hotel we had an amazing talk about our feelings and how we are so happy together.

Today is my birthday and I am 22! Tonight I am doing a birthday dinner with Cody, Quick Silver, and Andy at my favorite restaurant and then we are all going back to Andy’s afterwards. Hoping I have a great birthday this year!

XOXO Anna

P.S. sorry about the lack of gifs from posts during my trip here. Internet crazy slow meaning the gifs take over an hour to load…

Poker Night

Yesterday was awesome! By the time we got back to the hotel, I wanted to shower and I knew I was kind of crunched for time. Quick Silver and Andy got there 15 minutes early and I was just getting out of the shower. Cody talked to them while I finished getting ready. Andy was wearing a really nice black suit because he was doing business deals before he came over. We talked for a while and took photos, even though all the guys hated it. We then played poker. I assumed Andy and Cody would be the ones in the end battling for the chips but Cody was out first, then Andy, leaving it to Quick Silver and me. In the end I won! I won…which was a huge shock!

Also Andy did the whole threat thing with Cody…Andy was like, “If you hurt her…” I was scared Cody would react badly, but he didn’t and understood it was just what Andy did.

After Quick Silver and Andy left, once I was sober Cody and I had amazing sex, like love making sex. It was mind glowingly intimate and amazing. Plus we talked marriage again and Cody said the least amount he would feel comfortable spending on a ring would be $3,000… but he preferably wants to spend $3,500. That is woah.

Today has been nice too. Cody and I went to get lunch and then I ran into someone I knew and I’ll see them tomorrow. We are currently hanging out at a coffee shop. Then Cody and I are going to one of my favorite restaurants for dinner at seven. After that we are meeting Quick Silver and Andy at one of Andy’s favorite bars. Excited to be hanging with Quick Silver and Andy again!

We also saw Ethan’s sister. She was there when Ethan punched Monster. She told me Monster seemed like a hot mess, like manic depressive, and all over the place. Monster also told Ethan that he deserved to be punched. That was nice to hear.

Overall Cody and I are having a really nice trip!

XOXO Anna

In GA

We made the drive in one day and arrived around 8 pm sunday night. I was so happy to be back in Savannah. It felt like home. I can’t believe I ever left…but then again as I’ve walked around a bit yesterday morning I remember why I left.

The first night Cody kind of panicked. I felt bad. He has separation anxiety about his home. He doesn’t like being far from home, so I gave him a calm aid that night when he panicked and that helped. I felt really bad though.

Yesterday we went downtown and sat in my favorite coffee shop. I used to blog here all the time. It brought back memories. Good and bad. I spent a lot of time in this coffee shop with either friends or dates. Cody was a bit anxious again, but he was working on coffee shop ideas while I blogged.

Someone from my acting for camera class came. I’ve been seeing some familiar faces yesterday. Though I was looking around a lot and couldn’t keep still/calm. Damn hyper vigilance. And this was why I left. I couldn’t stay calm. I was always scared I would run into Owen after the rape. It’s bittersweet being here. I LOVE it and at the same time I am nervous. Stupid PTSD and stupid rapes. I am going to do my best to ignore the PTSD and just enjoy myself. Things have changed a lot since I’ve been here. Hell, I’ve changed a lot since I’ve been here.

Part of me feels strange to be here. I feel like this is my old life, and it is, so it’s weird being back. It’s nostalgic for sure, it just feels like I’ve moved on from this place…but I also love and miss it.

We hung out with a lot of friends yesterday. We spent hours with Quick Silver and Andy! I was SO FUCKING HAPPY to see them. Like they had their whole bickering dynamic going the whole time. They were the Quick Silver and Andy that I missed. They haven’t changed in any bad ways. They stayed the same with minor improvements. But I missed them SO MUCH. Honestly we spent like three hours with them, and when Cody got tired, I really didn’t want to leave. Hell I could have spent the rest of the day with them and have been on cloud 9. Honestly that is why I came back to Savannah. I really wanted to see Quick Silver and Andy.

Then Cody and I went back to the hotel. We started fooling around and had sex. Showered. Then headed back out to go have dinner with Ethan and his brothers. We then went to one of the popular bars on River Street. Wet Willies is this bar that has alcoholic slushies. It really makes it hard to figure out how drunk you are though. I didn’t finish my drink because I was tired. I also realized that I didn’t want that lifestyle anymore.

That lifestyle refers to the old days where I would dress sexy and go out drinking to a lot of different bars. With Cody I am happy and over it. I didn’t realize it though until I was here…and tried to go back to that lifestyle.

Earlier yesterday I really thought I wanted to dress sexy and go bar hopping like my old life, but when we actually went to Wet Willies, I realized I was SO over that life.

I absolutely LOVE my life with Cody. I love that we go to coffee shops, and go to our favorite bar/restaurant and see friends and hang out. I love having a laid back life style instead of constantly being on the go and looking amazing all the time and focusing so much on my image. I like being relaxed, and I am never relaxed. Until I met Cody and built that life with him I didn’t know what relaxed even was. I used to always dress fancy and nice and worry about my image, and it was just so much energy wasted.

Last night Ethan told me that he punched Monster. I said, “Because he raped me?” and Ethan said, “No, and I don’t know if he did because I don’t know the facts and I wasn’t there. I punched him because he was being a dick about relationships. He mentioned when you two were together and he knew it was a sore point with us. He knows that because we were together and that you two were together… he just was being an ass so I punched him.”

I was happy that Ethan punched Monster, but it felt like I had been stabbed when Ethan still said he didn’t believe me about Monster raping me. It honestly killed me. But why should I have expected ANYTHING from him?!? Like seriously, all Ethan has ever done is let me down. He constantly disappoints me.

Cody was really nice and was like, “Ethan peeked with you. He will never have anyone as good as you, and he was an idiot for fucking that up. I don’t even know how he got you in the first place.”

Hearing that made me feel good. I mean, Ethan… he has changed a lot. And you know what was so fucking strange? Ethan said when we were all at Panera getting dinner, when I didn’t want to eat anymore salad, Ethan said, “We do this because we love you.”

Ethan said that! Ethan has never been able to say the whole “love” thing that easily. Hell when I left Savannah, and we had our goodbye I said, “I love you.” Ethan said, “Me too.”

So… yeah, and Ethan was a bit flirty too I think. Like when he joked around with me he like was bumping up against me and stuff. So out of character for Ethan.

Today we are hanging out in another popular coffee shop and Cody is working on his coffee shop ideas. We are then going to get food and I’ll then take him to the shelter where I got Luvas! Also Cody isn’t anxious today! He is actually relaxed and calm.

XOXO Anna

Coffee Shops

Cody, his dad and I are going to be going to see coffee shops around us because Cody has this idea of opening a coffee shop with his brother sometime in the future. The area we live in really does need a coffee shop though. All we have is Starbucks and one local non-chain coffee shop, which I personally don’t like. The surrounding towns have okay-ish coffee shops, but Cody has a lot of ideas that would be really great for where we are.

I also got my period today, so woke up and have been cramping since. It was sweet though, Cody stayed with me while I was cramping. I told him he could go do his own thing instead of sit by my side while I am in pain, but he stayed. I also rather it have happened today rather than tomorrow when Cody and I will be driving all the way down to Savannah. It will be an all day drive if we don’t hit traffic. After coffee shops, we’ll come home and I’ll be doing laundry and packing while Cody video games since he won’t be able to game for a week.

I am definitely feeling more excited about Savannah now! I also send out a group message on Facebook and got a poker night going. Quick Silver and Andy are going to be there, and Ethan I think. Not sure about the rest, but still it’s going to be fun!

XOXO Anna

Going Back to GA on Sunday

I am totally excited about GA! I am so happy to being Quick Silver and Andy! I’ve missed them like crazy. I’ll also be seeing Ethan…so that will be interesting. I am excited to show Cody everything and show him off to my friends.

The only thing is I am crazy anxious about being triggered. What if I see Owen? What if I see Peter DJing some club? I doubt Monster would be there, but still.

I hate that the place I love and miss brings such anxiety. I have been going through my blog and editing each and every post so it’s in categories, which was something I should have done ages ago. And re-reading some of my old posts made me sad. I read a post where I was talking about being freaked out about being hit on in Panera.

I just hope that when Cody and I get to Savannah I don’t freak. I want to enjoy this vacation and not have to worry about my safety or being triggered, and more to the point, Cody shouldn’t have to worry about me being triggered. It’s not his job.

It’s sweet that he wants to take care of me and all, but I am used to being in Savannah and dealing with it on my own unless I ask for help. Cody helps even when not asked, which I am not used to. It’s sweet, but sometimes I just feel so bad because I do feel like I’m a burden or it’s too much even if he doesn’t. Like I don’t want to be a downer.

I want to be able for Cody not to worry. Like even tonight he was worried about me because Jack Daniels is kind of a trigger for me so he lied about it and when we got to his house I saw a bottle that he dad got. He said he lied because he was worried it would make me want to drink or something. I really hate that he worried about me. It’s sweet, but I can handle myself. Or if I can’t, then let me drown myself in my destruction until I get through it on my own. Yeah, I know self-destruction is not good, but sometimes I just want to do what I want even if it’s not the healthiest.

But Cody loves me so much that he won’t let me self-destruct, which I am thankful for. But damn do I feel guilty about still wanting to at times. And yeah, I really don’t feel like I deserve someone as good as Cody. I mean, why do I deserve someone like Cody? I’ve been treated like crap by every guy…so why do I deserve the good treatment? I am not used to it at all, even after six months.

Also India and her boyfriend left this morning, so it’s been strange to not have her around. I really wanted to breakdown this morning at 5:30 AM when I said goodbye. I haven’t cried yet, but it’s only a matter of time before I cry.

I just am going into the new year hoping that things with my sister continue to get better, that Cody and I still remain good and happy, and that college goes well. If all that happens I will consider myself lucky.

Hope everyone has a good new year!

XOXO Anna

PTSD and the Future

This morning Cody and I were making out and Cody answered one of my questions with, “I can’t help it, you’re so beautiful.” That was the biggest trigger ever. I didn’t know it was a trigger until this morning. That’s what Owen said as to why he raped me. Cody apologized right after he said it.

I felt like I was back in GA and thought I was at Owen’s place. It felt as if the rape had just happened. It sucked majorly. I felt so stupid because part of me knew I was home, but the other part of me felt like I was back with Owen. It was scary. I definitely was flashing back. Not one of those extreme flashbacks where I really have no idea where I am or who I’m with , but one of those flashbacks where you seem to be okay and normal but inside your head your back reliving the trauma.

Cody and I went to breakfast later and we talked about the future. We’ve been talking a lot about the future…our future. It’s been a week or so since I’ve felt this change. It’s a good change; it feels like the next step. We’ve talked about careers, the dog we want to eventually get, plans for apartments and even one day a house, and kids. We definitely talked about marriage, not that we haven’t discussed that before, we definitely have, it’s just this past week it’s felt more real. Something changed between Cody and I in the best way possible. I can’t describe it really, but it feels right to be with him and think of him as my future partner. Not to say that it didn’t before, but it just… you know when people say you know when you know…. it’s kind of like that feeling.

But I am really happy with Cody, happy beyond belief. I never thought I would really be able to find someone I could be with, see myself with, for the rest of my life. But with Cody I see so many possibilities.

I hope the rest of today gets better. My PTSD is a ROYAL BITCH today. My mind won’t stop wandering and I am totally anxious. I want to run away, like I have that urge to just get in my car and drive and keep going. Obviously I’m not going to do that but I really miss GA. I miss Quick Silver and Andy a lot. I really can’t wait until Cody and I take the road trip to GA.

Cody and I talked a lot about Owen this morning, since I was triggered and all, and I guess there was just too much talk of him because I am still feeling all anxious and nervous and on edge. But tonight Cody and I are going to Parkour. We went last week and it was my first time and I loved it! Cody has been doing it for ages, so he is really good. Parkour is a lot of fun and it gets my mood up for sure. I hope I continue to work on my front flip this evening because last week we worked on that and I was doing pretty well for my first time, at least that’s what Cody told me.

Hope everyone’s having a good week!

XOXO Anna

Panic

I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I ended up drinking too much last night because I wanted to see if I could remember anything from that night with Monster.

There’s a lot going on right now with my sister missing/running away, school, and it being that time of year when I reported Monster.

I know I have to keep it together. I know that, but at the same time I feel like I haven’t been. I feel like I’ve been letting everyone (mom, dad, Cody) down because I have been crying or I’ve been more likely to be triggered. I feel like a failure in truth. Maybe I am being too hard on myself, it’s one of the things I do best. But I am just seriously stressed.

I know Cody loves seeing me happy, and I love being happy, and lately its been harder to be at the level of consistant happiness that I was before my sister ran away. There are days where I seem fine and then suddenly something happens and I cry, or my mood shifts and it sucks. Yesterday I was fine until Cody got home and I paused an episode of Criminal Minds and I got crazy nauseous. I think something in the episode triggered something relating to my sister and my childhood. That really unnerved me.

Then I went out with Cody and his friends and I was at the bar and there was a bottle of Jack Daniels on the wall in front of me and all I could think was to try and remember something from the night Monster raped me. I just wanted to fill in the blanks. I want answers. I know I can’t have them, and I know Monster lied to me, but I want proof, and I figured if I could just remember then… I don’t know I would have some peace with it, or understand why Monster did it.

I fucking hate PTSD. It’s a royal bitch, and I’ve written that so many times on here. I just hate whenever any PTSD symptom comes up because to me, I feel like I have failed if I am not 100% better or okay. I know how irrational that is, or maybe not irrational, but setting too high of standards. Even in the PTSD book I have that is like my bible for surviving, it says that setbacks are normal, especially around anniversary’s.

But to me, because I have lost pretty much everyone throughout my recovery from my trauma’s, I feel like if my PTSD acts up it means I am at risk for losing another person. That creates a huge amount of anxiety for me. I have lost literally everyone except for my parents, Andy, and Quick Silver through my trauma’s. I now have Cody, but a part of me still fears that my PTSD or my stuff is too much since that is the message I’ve gotten from people.

I hate that I feel like I am not being strong. I just don’t want others to not see me as strong through this stuff. I have gotten back into my old bad habit of saying “I’m sorry” way too much. I constantly am saying sorry and when I say I am sorry its out of fear. I always say sorry because I am scared and trying to avoid a negative consequence. Now not all my apologies are like that, but the times I say sorry when there is literally no god damn good reason for me to say I am sorry, it’s because I am scared.

Everything is constantly changing, that I know. But I am not a fan of change. I like what I know and am familiar with. It takes time to get used to change. It takes time to accept new things. I explained to Cody that it is going to take time for me to be fully comfortable or understand or accept everything that he does that’s good because I am not used to it.

Last night I apologized because I had to stop during sex, and I felt terrible because it was before either of us got off. For me, with the guys I’ve been with before Cody, the goal was always to get the guy off. Also last time I said stop or wait during sex was with Owen, who raped me. So when I said stop or wait last night and Cody listened and respected it, it was different. Nice. But still, because I am not used to it, it made me feel anxious. Cody said that wasn’t the goal of sex. He said it didn’t matter that we had to stop, what mattered was that I was okay.

That is very new for me. I’ve probably written all this on here at one point already, but I am still getting used to Cody and being treated with respect. I was used to it, or getting there, but again, with it being an anniversary thing I am more…one edge…which means I tend to revert back to old habits (such as apologizing too much).

I am not sorry for all my PTSD symptoms, and I am not sorry for crying a lot because my sister ran away, but I feel bad because I know that people that care about me don’t like seeing me like that. So I am not sorry for being vulnerable and actually letting people know what’s going on, but I am sorry that it hurts those around me that care.

I just want to get through the next couple weeks without being triggered too much, because then it will be October and I will be happy and not triggered because nothing bad happened in October. The beginning of September reminds me of reporting Monster. November 7th, well that’s the anniversary of the rape with Monster. So I am just a bit nervous. Dealing with Peter (classmate who sexually assaulted me) and the time of year isn’t an issue anymore. February 26th doesn’t seem to have much of an effect now that it’s been two and a half years. I am sure when January 18th comes up I’ll be on edge since it hasn’t even been a year since Owen raped me. But I’m getting way a head of myself, but then again I like to be prepared for possible triggers.

But I am thankful for my mom and dad still being here and understanding that I get triggered. I am thankful that Quick Silver and Andy are still my friends and don’t get mad at me if I am having an off day. I am truly thankful and feel lucky to have found Cody because he seems to never give up on me, or get angry or upset at me when any of this stuff comes up. His reaction is perfect. He never makes me feel bad about breaking down or having something affect me. Because hell, if I could not let any of this stuff affect me I would do that in a heart beat! Cody never says a reproachful word to me about any of my PTSD stuff or just when I actually am crying even if it has to do with something else. I’ve never had anyone not get mad or upset or annoyed as a reaction to me crying, besides my sister. Cody makes me happy.

Cody and I have our differences, like his interest in planes, cars, and engineering. Even though I know nothing about all that, I still love to sit and listen to him talk about it. Just seeing the excitement and feeling that energy is amazing to be around. With most people I would tune out or not care, but I actually listen to him and try to understand what he is saying. Having Cody in my life has taught me a lot and I’ve made a lot of progress. I am just thankful that Cody seems to really love and care about me and is willing to go through all this stuff with me without getting angry or feeling like it’s too much. That means the world to me that he wants to be there.

XOXO Anna

Impressed

Yesterday we had Multi-Family group at treatment. Cody went again, and I am so happy he did! The things that were mentioned in that group were things that I am glad Cody was able to be there to hear. We talked about a lot of different topics, but I am glad that certain girls mentioned some things about what it’s like in our heads and our thought processes. One girl mentioned the whole thigh gap thing. I personally wasn’t as interested in that topic because I already knew that it is genetics that allow one to have one or not, and I’ve pretty come come to accept that. What interested me was that one girl, who is awesome, mentioned what it’s like to walk down the street and pass girls.

We all agreed that we compare. We will judge. We will be mean. Our thoughts can either be of jealousy, or they can be putting the girl down. I am not proud that I think like that at times, but at the same time, we all think of other girls as competition. Competition was a huge theme that was talked about. We are all very competitive people and we talked about healthy competition versus unhealthy competition.

We also talked about the fact that all of us tend to not have girl friends because, let’s all be honest here, girls can be catty bitches at times. Girls can be ruthless and mean. I grew up living Mean Girls. There’s a reason I stay clear of girls. I don’t want to be put down. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to have to change to fit in. I rather be with a group of guys who accept me for me.

Later in the evening Cody and I went out for food. I was drinking because I wanted to. I wasn’t sure if I would remember all the sweet things that were said. Cody ended up writing what he said in a note on my phone and this is what he wrote. P.S. made names of his friends into first initial to keep anonymous:

You had such a good time with my friends while I was LARPing and I wanted you to know that that was because they aren’t just my friends. They are now your friends too. They really do like having you around and they are genuinely your friends. I know that Quick Silver and Andy would do anything for you but they are in GA, but while you’re here you have a fucking army of great friends who would always protect you for me. J, M, A, R, F, S, and all my friends you’ve met really do like you and should make you feel safe whenever you’re with them. J alone could protect you from anyone who tries anything on you. But the most important thing is that they are also you’re friends as well as mine and they really do enjoy you hanging out with them. You know that cause they asked you to hangout even though I was not there.

At Fin, we were talking about psych stuff. I was telling you how I think of you. When I think if you, your personality and who you are and your problems are two completely different and separable things. When I think of you and why I love you so much, your problems don’t even come to mind. I love you for who you are. Your problems do effect who you are but it damn well doesn’t mean that is who you are. Experience is the best teacher and with everything you’ve experienced, you have taken so much from it. That’s what makes you so strong. As much as it affects you, you look at it from a 3rd person view and take from it the lessons you need to grow. You learn from everything you’ve been through and that’s how you have become so intelligent about what’s going on and why you’re so strong. You were very impressed by the way I thought because we think in very similar ways. I explained how even though I say bad things about Ethan, I do realize that it is bad and that being this jealous of the guy who has been the best relationship you’ve had before me but how my irrationality has taken over but how I at least realize that it is happening.

How fucking sweet is this??

But yeah, it was nice to read that and for him to tell me again this morning. I’ve never had anyone in my life since college started that saw me and my problems as separate. I love that Cody sees that I am not what happened to me. That means the world. I mean, I’m sure Quick Silver and Andy didn’t think like that, but I just…Ethan and all my old friends, they for sure just saw me as my problems, at least that’s the vibe I got.

Anyways, having a good day so far. Had breakfast with Cody. I’m going to take Luvas to the vet to get his paw checked out because he won’t walk on it and then I might go hiking with one of the girls from treatment. Later Cody and I will go to open mic night and then maybe Karaoke at the bar.

Hope everyone’s having a good day 🙂

XOXO Anna

Relaxing and Nostalgia

I spent the whole day watching Dexter. Watching Dexter always seems to relax me when things are not the best. I swear when I was going through all of the shit I went through at school Dexter was my savior. There are so many things I can relate to in Dexter. Dexter is Ethan and I am Deb. It’s actually funny. I couldn’t believe how much Dexter and Ethan were alike when I met him. As I watched Dexter I realized just how similar I was to Deb. I think I like watching Dexter because there are specific scenes throughout the series between Dexter and Deb or Deter and Rita where I’m like, “That was Ethan and me.”

Seeing Gabby and talking with her about everyone really makes me miss my old school. I wanna visit so bad now… she told me to check out Jetblue flights because those are cheap and around $250. My dad said he didn’t want to pay much more than $200 so maybe I can see if he will let me visit… but I probably won’t.

I texted Ethan a while ago to see if he wanted to Skype later. I haven’t skyped him or any of my other friends in ages. I skyped Ethan’s sister like two weeks ago, so I am way overdo to Skype Ethan and my other friends. I’ve wanted to ask Quick Silver or Andy about skyping but I’ve been too scared of them saying no or getting rejected in some way…

XOXO Anna

The Green Eyed Monster, A Gay Bar, and Lone Brunches

Last night Serena and I hung out. We went to our favorite bar to grab drinks and talk. When I went to pick her up from her house she started talking about Cody. Our night was just beginning and it already was starting on a bad note.

She said that July 4th, that night that we all hung out, she and her boyfriend and friend, who we’ll call Brian, all commented on how Cody was possessive of me. I really hated hearing that. Not because I believe Cody is possessive, but because it meant she didn’t like him. As everyone knows, what my friends and family think of who I am dating is important to me.

Back at my old school, before I dated someone I asked my friends what they thought of the guy and if my friends didn’t like the guy, then I listened. I figured with my shitty judgment that I should listen to my friends judgment, because they seem to be better at it. Probably because they are not involved in the situation. For me, judgment does tend to go out the window when I’m interested in someone. Hence why, I started to take things slow with guys. Or try to.

Serena mentioned that Cody, when I was standing, told me to sit down because I was drunk. Which, on July 4th I was fucking gone. Serena said she knew I was perfectly capable of standing and talking with her bf and Brian, but that Cody just took me to sit down. She also mentioned that when we went to the diner after that, I was about to sit down and Cody said to sit in a different seat and I listened. I didn’t see that as a big deal. I know that Cody wasn’t trying to be possessive or controlling. Serena just tends to be very judgmental or critical. But the fact that she wasn’t the only one who took note of the behavior is the part that caught my attention.

I don’t like that they think that Cody is possessive. He isn’t. Maybe he can be jealous at times, or… I don’t know if insecure is the right word, but everyone gets jealous! Everyone! Serena pointed out that it’s the way people handle jealousy that is the issue. She noted that the way I handle my jealousy is good. I do try to be good about that, though. I know Cody gets jealous, but I do too! I really do, but I try to keep it in check and remind myself that my jealousy is irrational, or it’s coming from my past. It’s not about him, it’s about me. My issues with jealousy come from my own insecurities or worries. Jealousy really can be a fucking monster.

I am a jealous person. Many people know that. I honestly used to not be able to handle jealousy very well. Ethan knows that better than anyone. But as time went on and I had more experiences, I learned to contain my jealousy. I learned that most times jealousy was just irrational in the situation. Now that may not stop the jealousy, but it puts it into perspective, and that relieves me. With Cody, there is a girl I was jealous of, just a bit. I talked to Cody about it though, and he assured me there was nothing to worry about, which I logically knew already, but I had to hear that so my emotions could line up with my logic.

If I am jealous of a person the best thing to do is to get to know them, and realize that there is no threat whatsoever. I think it helps because I feel like sometimes jealousy comes from not knowing.

Anyways, Serena and I went to the bar and had drinks and talked. I told her Cody was going out of town to LARP next weekend and I would be free. I think me, her, and Brian are hopefully all going to hang out and go to bars or something that weekend. She didn’t want her bf there and neither does Brian. Apparently the bf is being an asshole as of late, which I can agree with.

I did try to explain to Serena where Cody was coming from, and she understood, she just said she wishes he would handle it differently or that I wouldn’t just do as he says. I never thought about that though, the fact that I do just listen to whatever someone tells me to do. It’s always been a problem for me though. I’ll definitely be more aware. I mean, if I ever had a problem with something Cody said or did I would say it because why not, right? First off, I always say communication is key in relationships, and with that said, if there’s anything ever up, then the mature and responsible thing is to talk about it.

I told Cody he could join Serena and I at the bar after he got off work. I had had three drinks by the time Cody arrived and there was a band playing and we listened to that for a while. We then went to Serena’s friends house for a bit and then we all went to a gay bar to meet up with Cody’s friends.

The gay bar was so much fun! Let me tell you I haven’t had that much fun in months! I love to dance, it’s just a fact. It’s fun, and there’s just something about it. So me and Cody’s friends hit the dance floor and it was such a blast! Cody doesn’t dance… so that kinda sucks, but at least his friends danced! Plus there was a stripper pole and one of Cody’s friends kinda threw me onto it and well that was an interesting experience. Honestly it was really fun and kinda sexy. I only wish I had been wearing something sexy! But later in the night, I find out that Cody puked earlier. Cody didn’t tell me. I was pissed. If I had known he was sick earlier I would have left the club, make sure Cody was okay, and we would have gone home and relaxed. He said he didn’t tell me because he said I was having so much fun that he didn’t want to ruin the night. I can understand his point of view, of course, but I told him to put himself in my shoes and his response was that I wouldn’t have puked without him knowing. I was annoyed at that, but let it go. It made me feel like I should have known, ya know?

We went home and talked and had sex and went to bed. When talking he mentioned that July 4th, that he said that Brian was flirting with me, and I told him Brian was way over me. Cody forgot that I told him that Brian had a thing for me back after freshman year of college. I felt bad because he wasn’t happy about that. But Brian and I were literally nothing. Probably the equivalent to what he and that girl I was jealous of. I think all Cody and she did was kiss.

In the morning he drove me back to my car and I went home before heading out to brunch at the diner that Cody and I always go to for breakfast. I invited my dad, but he had to go pick my mom up at the airport.

I am glad I went to the diner though, it means I am eating on my own, without someone to nag me to eat or sit down with me to eat. When things all went to shit this past fall, I was on my own. I had no one really to hang out with. It was at that time where I was my most independent. I hate being alone or on my own at times, but I learned to actually like it. Once Quick Silver and Andy and I became friends I wasn’t on my own as much. But I guess what I am saying is that going to the diner on my own today is a good thing. It reminds me that it’s okay to go out alone.

I remember that Quick Silver and I once were talking about movies and he said that one of his favorite things to do was to get a sandwich, sneak it into the movies, and watch a movie by himself. I was shocked. I hate going to the movies by myself. I honestly admired that quality in Quick Silver. I have so much social anxiety that sometimes I just can’t go out by myself and it sucks. The other day I had a huge amount of anxiety and it really made my day rough. Today, however, I am comfortable and relaxed sitting in the diner by myself. I think I’m the only one in here that is alone. I am surrounded by families or groups of friends.

I know this is a long post, and if you’ve gotten this far then yay! There’s just been a lot on my mind as of late, especially with how my moods have been swinging from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. It’s been emotionally exhausting. I hate it. I get so angry when I get low because I remind myself that the low is either irrational, or not as bad as it seems. I try to fight emotions with logic…which doesn’t always work out. I know that for me, being in a relationship can definitely send my moods to some extremes. It sucks, but I try my best to deal with it.

But speaking of relationships and moods, I feel … like we are making progress, hence why my emotions are more…volatile as my mom would put it. The fact that my emotions are a bit up and down, or the fact that I want to pull away a bit, tells me that I am making progress and the relationship is still moving forward. I wouldn’t describe myself as someone who has commitment issues but when things get real I get scared. It’s that cycle I mentioned in a post a while ago. I feel like I’m going through it again right now.

All I can do is try to remain logical, and relax. Not let my emotions and fears get the better of me. Writing about it is helping, so that’s good. I tend to process things when I write or talk to someone. But, since I don’t have someone to talk to, that’s why this post is so long, because I am processing all of this.

Also! I got a letter from Florida and it is my class schedule, if I go there. Still trying to apply to New York, so praying I get in. But if I did go to Florida my class schedule sucks. Classes look pretty damn fucking awesome, but not happy about the times. As someone with an eating disorder and having back to back classes until like three in the afternoon is bullshit.

My sunday has started off pretty well, aside from the fact that I know that Cody isn’t happy he is working today. Sundays are his day, like he loves Sunday and loves to go get brunch and relax. So knowing he isn’t that happy makes me a bit down. But aside from that, my Sunday seems to be going well. I hope you guys all have a wonderful Sunday!

XOXO Anna

I Love You, I Know

I went to Cody’s last night to watch Star Wars. He gave me the R2-D2 tank-tunic thing and well…it fit perfectly. So perfectly that he was very turned on. He said it was better than my lingerie… I swear me and lingerie have a shitty relationship with each other. But he said he liked the lingerie too, but this was a star wars thing so I guess it just turned him on more or something. But he said if I wore my lingerie under it he would lose it. So that will happen eventually…

Anyways, the surprise was that he bought a necklace set.

If you’ve watched Star Wars you get the reference. I thought it was super sweet! He did give me a hint yesterday and I found the site he got it from and figured he either got the necklace set or the ring set. I figured he would go for the ring set because it was half the price of the necklaces but he said he wasn’t sure about ring size, and that he also doesn’t really wear rings. But ah, the necklace is awesome! Super happy 🙂

I told Cody how I was having a rough night before I saw him. I was texting Andy and Quick Silver though. Andy got me through the worst, most depressing part of it. Then later I texted Quick Silver to make sure he still had my lighters and safety pins I gave him. 

Quick Silver has them, they are safe. Quick Silver is holding onto them for me until I am strong enough to have them back and not use them. I’m really glad he has them though. I once had to do that with Ethan. I gave him my lighters to keep from me, I think we were broken up by that point. But when we were together I gave him my laxatives and he kept them from me, even though I once almost tore his dorm room a part searching for them.

But I am glad Quick Silver, Andy and I are still talking and stuff. I really fucking miss them. I also miss all my other friends. I just… I love the town where I went to school with them, and I want to visit so bad, but at the same time, I am hesitant because of the fact that Owen is there, and there are a lot of bad memories. Plus there’s the issue of money… I looked at flights and I am not even going to mention it to my dad again.

Anyways! So Cody’s surprise was awesome! I really love the necklace, though the chain is really long, so I might switch it out for one of my shorter chains I have in my room. But last night was super fun! We teased each other and were very playful which I love. Then this morning was nice. We had sex again and it was good, and he was going to come but he pulled out and said he didn’t want to come if he couldn’t also make me come.

That was so nice to hear. I am so used to having the goal being getting the guy off, and then me either not getting off or doing it later on when they’re gone. It’s true though, Cody does always try to make sure I come before he does and that really does mean a lot to me. It’s nice. More guys should be like that.

But anyways, things are good. Plus I found this really cool book at Barnes and Noble yesterday about a NYPD Cop and I am loving the book! So good. So my day will consist of reading that book and drinking tea which sounds like a perfect day.

Hope everyone else is having as great a day as I am!

XOXO Anna

Pain is a Royal Bitch

I am not only in physical pain right now but emotional pain. Physical pain from eating. My mom forced me to eat pasta and I had already had pasta for lunch so I really was annoyed and I think I get like bloating or gas pains when I eat too many carbs and my stomach is a bit upset. Took tums though so hopefully it doesn’t get worse.

Emotional pain still from EMDR today… I know I’ve mentioned it already but seriously I am so not myself today. I just don’t know what to do to change it. Owen is in the forefront of my thoughts and it’s not fun. A lot of emotions were brought up today and I know emotions come up from the process but though I didn’t cry in today’s session, today’s session is still with me.

My mom said she was worried about me. She wanted to hug me or give me a back rub but I didn’t want to be touched. I just am a bit depressed and feeling low about myself. See, the logic part of me knows I am worthy and deserving and good, but the emotional part from the trauma is telling me I am not good enough and that I don’t deserve to have someone like Cody in my life who is so nice to me. It sucks. Feeling like I don’t deserve to be treated nicely. Like I feel like a fraud. I don’t know why though. It just is …. I just am not used to being treated well and it unsettles me. I mean, I should totally be loving it and thankful for the nice treatment and I am. It’s just such a shift.

Going from a guy who rapes you to going to a guy who respects you. Very different… I don’t know how to shake the feeling of suspicion for being treated so nicely. I feel like it’s all going to disappear or it’s not real and this is just a dream. It seems surreal for me to have found someone like Cody. I get why everyone in my life is suspicious and cautious. Andy threatened Cody the other day when I got wasted at that swimming party. That made me smile because it made me feel cared about by Andy. Of course Cody wants Andy and Quick Silver to think positively of him.

I can understand why Andy threatened Cody though, because he doesn’t know Cody. Andy and Quick Silver were there in the aftermath of Owen. If it weren’t for them I probably wouldn’t be here writing this post. They’ve seen me at my worst and stuck around. I cannot thank them enough for that. I feel lucky to have met them and made friends with them.

I know I have to figure out how to change the feelings of feeling not worthy or deserving of nice people in my life. Of deserving respect. Deserving to be treated like a human and not trash. I am annoyed at myself for not being able to bounce back I guess. I always feel like I should be better. But I always seem to be struggling. I never give up which is the important part, but there are hard days like today where I just want to either sleep the day away so I don’t have to think or just curl up and hide under my covers and actually let myself feel the painful emotions.

XOXO Anna

Hung out with Cody and Met His Mom

Yesterday Cody asked me to hang in the evening and I met him at the bar and met his friends. One of his girl friends is really nice! I really like her, and that’s saying something since I don’t like most girls. She’s really cool! So sitting in the bar, we were talking and I was asking Cody about my Verizon data and stuff since he works at Verizon. He was looking through my phone and the app wasn’t working so he went on the internet. Luckily I saw him and snatched my phone from him. There were tabs about rape and recovery and having sex after rape, so you could see the word rape or domestic violence in the like heading, and I almost had a heart attack. I was so scared that he had seen it, but luckily what caught his eye was the FBI tabs I had. Scariest thing so far. He asked me what that was about but I said I’d tell him eventually.

Anyways so Cody, me and his friends all went to this private pool club to play pool. Cody and I got there before his friends and I met his mom. She was really nice too. Then Cody, me and the friends went upstairs to play pool. Andy was texting me the whole time though.

He is behind on rent and asked if I could lend a hand and well after all Andy and I have been through, and him being there to help me through Owen, of course I was going to help! Then somehow we got on the conversation of that one night we had together and about if we would want to do it again. I told Andy that I’ll have to drive through where he is to get to Florida so it could happen if I’m single. I would only possibly sleep with him again because I trust him and I would want to know where I sexually stand in my PTSD symptoms. Also I told Andy something I didn’t ever tell anyone about Eric… Like this one time, when we were back at school and I was in the middle of reporting Monster, when Eric and I were trying to be intimate he kinda manipulated/forced me to give him blow jobs…. like I told him I didn’t want to but he just teased me and said if I didn’t do it he would just tease me and then leave and stuff and it was really annoying.  He like would say, “blow me” and then I’d be hesitant and he’d kinda push my head down and I eventually did it, and after like 30 seconds he’d bring me up to make out so he could tease me, and repeat. Andy told me that was really messed up. So yeah… but it’s whatever, I’ve been through worse as most of you know.

Anyways, so as Cody, me and his friends were playing pool I talked to that girl I liked and mentioned the whole Andy situation when Cody was out of the room and how Andy brought up that one night we had together. Also when Cody was in the room but not near us I was telling her about how Andy needed money and I felt bad and stuff and she was like well if he is really a good friend than do it, but don’t do it if you feel obligated or something. I told her that he was willing to shoot someone (Owen) for me, so I told her that I owed him and didn’t mind. Cody came over at the last part and asked, “What about shooting?” I told him, “Nothing.”

His mom eventually came up and she helped me learn some tricks to playing pool. It was so funny she was trying to teach me how the correct way to hit the ball was and whispered in my ear, “Keep the stick straight…think blowing a cock.” It was so funny I burst out laughing and was so embarrassed but I got the point. Cody and all his friends were asking what his mom said to me and omg it was so funny. His mom is really cool haha.

At the end of the night Cody and I went back to my house and we watched Dexter in my bed and made out and stuff. It was fun. Then I can’t remember how my anorexia came up, but it did and he wanted to help so I got my treatment binder and gave him a sheet of things that could help. Not all applied, but he texted me today to send him pics so he would remember. Last night he was like, “Whenever we’re together if you’re hungry let me know and I’ll buy you whatever you want, seriously.”

So yeah then we continued making out more and watching more Dexter. Eventually we just were talking a bit. That’s when things got more anxiety provoking for me. He asked me if I liked giving blow jobs. I honestly didn’t know how to answer that. I am an honest person and hate lying, but I was not ready to reveal my stupid back luck sexual history. I eventually said I am not sure anymore. He accepted that but could tell I was still off. He asked, “Are you worried I don’t like you?” and I shrugged. I don’t know, I just don’t always accept the idea of a guy liking me, especially someone who is so nice. I usually accept guys liking me for my body and guys who treat me like shit. “I like you. This isn’t just a thing. Like, I like you,” he said. That made me smile. We eventually went to bed at like 4 AM. But I was triggered by something as simple as a cuddle.

So after Owen raped me and I knew I had to stay the night with him, he cuddled me all night, I think to make sure I didn’t leave in the night to report the rape.

So when Cody was cuddling and holding me the same way Owen did I got triggered. I half way knew where I was but half of me felt like I was back in Owen’s room. Images of Owen, over me, in me, kept flashing in my head. I was trying not to cry, but tears definitely fell. My breathing was erratic. Like I’d breathe normal and then a flashback would hit and I would like gasp. Eventually I had chest pains and sat up and just tried to breathe normally. Cody asked if I was okay and I told him it was chest pains. He rubbed my back and I got up to write it in my phone so I wouldn’t forget to mention it in therapy. He went back to bed and I eventually went to bed too.

In the morning he asked me if I was okay after last night. I told him I was. He made out a bit more and he pet Luvas a lot when Luvas jumped on the bed. On the way out my dad was working on this old stick shift Volvo that we call Black Beauty, and he met Cody. I kinda panicked once I realized my dad was going to have to meet Cody. Especially after yesterday when my family was kinda arguing over the conditions of Cody coming over and stuff. My dad said that he didn’t want to meet Cody, my mom said she did want to meet Cody and my sister was indifferent. My dad said he didn’t want to meet Cody I presume because he’s met past guys in my life and it hasn’t worked out, but he also mentioned he had no idea why I wanted him to meet my past boyfriends after he met one. He told me he didn’t think it mattered.

But anyways, so Cody was checking out Black Beauty as I was asking dad if he could reteach me how to drive her. Then as Cody and I were walking to his car my dad asked Cody about our phone plan and usage and stuff and Cody said he could help, and yeah, they had a short conversation.

Later this morning when I sat down with mom and dad, mom told me dad said he met Cody. Dad said that Cody seemed really nice, was friendly, and thought Cody was handsome. That was not what I was expecting but yay I guess haha. Cody, me and his friends might all go bowling later tonight after I have a family friends dinner.

XOXO Anna

Unexpected Evenings

So to catch you guys up since I finally have the energy to really sit down and blog, Cody and I have had two sleepovers now. I slept over his house on monday evening. We went a bit further than the car hookup (but not all the way) and in the morning I was seriously nauseous. I mean holy hell it was bad. Plus while we were at his place and hooking up I kinda had not flashbacks to Owen, but images of Owen entered my head. Even in the car hookup I kinda felt I’m not sure…Kinda an out of body experience a bit, but also I just felt strange. There were moments when I would think of Owen and what he would think if he saw me with Cody. It was strange.

When Cody and I were fooling around at his house I really tried hard to keep myself present and in the moment. There were times when I would be a bit confused as to where I was. Even Monster entered my head. So strange.

But I went to see Cody play at open Mic night and Serena asked me if I was going but on Monday we kind of got into a fight. Like I am actually really upset at her for saying what she said to me.On Monday I was hanging out with the guy I had the best sex of my life with. He was in town for one day and I figured I wasn’t going to see him again really. I found out he had a girlfriend while hanging with him. If I hadn’t of met Cody and if the guy was single I probably would have wanted to have sex with him again because he knew how to handle me when we did have sex a couple months ago. He earned my trust in bed. But I met Cody (and am so happy about that) and the other guy has a girlfriend so obviously nothing happened. But Serena texted me saying,

“How was last night?” (referring to me hanging with Cody)

“Ummm both good and well yeah idk I mean it’s a conversation for face to face” I replied.

“Everything is a face to face conversation with you.”

(couple hours later on monday)

“5:30 the mall?” she asked.

“Hey I can’t do the mall today, I’m exhausted and I’m seeing that guy I had sex with back at my school we are going to dinner and bowling.”

“Two boys one night. Be careful,” she replied.

“No. Dude, me and Cody didn’t you know…go all the way and trust me I have no plans of doing anything with the other guy,” I said.

“Mhmm”

“What? I’m serious. I’m sore and can’t do anything. I promise I didn’t have sex with Cody. I’m not a whore and I made a promise to myself and I’m keeping it,” I told her.

“I’m not saying you had sex with him or that you’re a whore. I’m just saying you need to learn to be happy without male attention 24/7. I just don’t want you to rely on others to feel good about yourself. I love you.”

“First off, since Owen raped me, which was four months ago I have had pretty much no make attention, so I don’t rely on a guy for my confidence. Yes, any one would say that it’s nice when someone likes you, it’s flattering and it does boost your confidence a bit, but that’s everyone. This guy is here for one day and we are hanging. I’ve had minimal social contact over the past four months. So finally being social has been nice,” I replied.

“I understand all of that but you have told me many times that you find having a male companion one of the most important things in life and that scared me. I just want you to know there’s more to life.”

“Yes, male companions, as in FRIENDS. They are better than girl friends, that’s why it’s important,” I explained.

“Your word was boyfriend or lover or something. I just don’t want you still thinking that is all and you told me the other day you wanted to sleep with that guy. I’ll butt out I just want you to be careful is all.”

“Yeah I wanted to sleep with him for the amazing orgasm but I’m sore and I have no interest anymore. And sleeping with him is a whole different story than sleeping with someone new. I feel safe with him because he respected my no once. I don’t know Cody or any other guy out there well enough,” I said.

“Why are you sore?”

“That’s none of your business,” I said.

“Ew he fingered you”

“Okay five year old.”

“How am I 5?”

“You just said ew he fingered you. It sounded like a child,” I said.

“It’s a text you don’t hear it. Forget it. Have fun tonight. Be careful and what not.”

So that was our conversation and I got really angry because I’ve not had male attention and I’ve been FINE. Hell being alone when Ethan and Eric abandoned me was hard but I learned to love myself and my own company. Then Owen raped me and I have to work to get back to that good place. And for fucks sake, me hanging out with Cody and being able to be physical in any sense is fucking progress! Like fucking hell I know she probably is worried about me with my history, hell everyone is, but what everyone doesn’t realize is that never dating again just makes the PTSD stronger and the rapists win. I will not have that. And when Serena said “Ew he fingered you” it made something that felt good turn into something disgusting and negative which really made me mad because I had made progress on enjoying physical intimacy.

So me and that guy hung out, grabbed dinner, turned out there were no available bowling lanes, so we went back downtown and we ran into Cody. Later that night I said goodbye to that guy and Cody and I went to the bar and he bought me two drinks. We were going to go to this party after but it didn’t work. We went back to his place and you’re caught up on that.

So in the morning I said I was nauseous. Cody was amazing. He got me water and a banana to make sure I was okay. He gave me a back rub and was just fucking really sweet to me. I even said thank you for being so nice. I also told him I have anorexia because he asked what my therapy session was about since I had to eventually leave. I obviously wasn’t going to tell him I’m there for rapes and PTSD and getting EMDR. So I told him the lesser of two evils. Also in the morning he was like, “Let me know if it’s too much.” (meaning the physical stuff) “Thank god! Yes I’m overwhelmed let’s slow down,” I said. So we agreed to slow down physically so that made me happy and feel more confident and safe.

Last night I went to the coffee shop for open mic night to support Cody. We had fun and we went to a diner. We talked more and I opened up a bit which was really hard for me but I did it! I talked a bit about Ethan and I think I mentioned Eric. I totally mentioned Quick Silver and Andy. But yeah, then I was telling him about how I took a photo back in high school and how I captured a ghost on my film photo. We went back to my place to look at it. We ended up sitting in my room and talking. Luvas loved Cody. I mean LOVED Cody. I’ve never seen Luvas be social or let anyone else pet him and Luvas rubbed up against Cody and really wanted attention. I guess that’s good sign(?).

But as we made out we talked and Cody was commenting on how my body is the definition of an hour glass figure and I really was flattered because I had been freaking out over the past couple days about my looks and weight and the way he complimented me wasn’t like idk it was more appreciative than lustful I guess.

But that made me feel good and I was like, “Well I hope you like more than just my appearance.”

He said, “Of course, do you think I would be spending all my time with you if I liked just your appearance. I mean, when I first saw you I was like damn. Then when we talked, everything I said, you got excited and related and as the night went on, when we went to the diner and Serena was like, you’re getting chicken tenders, which was what I wanted, I knew you were awesome.”

“Okay cool, yay,” I replied.

“I honestly wasn’t sure what this was the first time we hooked up, but I don’t know. I don’t really do hookups and I haven’t been with anyone in like five months.”

“I am not the hookup type either and I also wasn’t sure what this was. I also haven’t been with anyone in a couple months.”

Then we talked a bit more and I told him I have a strict no dating friends rule and he asked me what that made him. I told him that I wanted to know what I was to him and he said more than a friend and I agreed that’s the way I thought of him. Then he was like, “Well, tomorrow we’re seeing Avengers, it’s a date.” I smiled and replied, “It’s a date” and kissed him.

So Ahhh so much as happened as you can tell by this long ass post! By the way sorry for it being so long, but I just had to spill my guts about this since no one is being supportive.

When I saw my mom today, she was like, “Cody stayed over?”

“Yeah… I know you’re probably not happy with me, but all we did was make out, I promise. The rule after the Eric thing was no sex in the house and I figured if Cody and I kept it PG then it was okay.”

“I just don’t know…” my mom said.

“Mom you can’t let Eric stop you from letting me see someone or having someone over. I know Eric really hurt you and the whole family for that matter. And I honestly wasn’t sure how I felt about letting Cody stay over at first. I mean, my room was like me and Eric’s room and now Eric has no power over that room. It’s not his domain,” I said.

“I know, I just am worried about you. I don’t want you to get hurt with everything you’ve been through,” Mom said.

“Well, honestly I get that, but honestly if Eric is going to get in the way of Cody’s ability to come to this house you need to talk to a therapist about it because that’s not healthy.”

“No, he can come over I just don’t want you having sex in the house. After Eric…it’s just it really hurt.”

“Don’t rain on my parade. Even my therapist said she was happy to see me smiling for once. She told me to not let myself talk me out of being happy. She told me to enjoy it so please be supportive. This is progress, it’s a step forward.”

“Okay, I know. Just be careful,” mom said.

Mom was floored when I told her Luvas liked Cody and let him pet Luvas.

“That is something,” mom said when I told her.

“See, and animals have good instincts. Trust me I’ve been looking for red flags and I haven’t found any. After everything I’ve been through I am seriously careful. Cody is really nice. He does really sweet things like hold my hand when we sleep or kiss my forehead or cheek or kiss my hand or gives me a back rub. Mom trust me, he is being really nice to me. Plus he agreed he wanted to wait for sex. I mean, hello! What guy waits for sex? He is like a freaking unicorn. They don’t exist! And after all the bad guys I’ve dealt with it’s nice to have a guy treat me as a person. It’s nice that he wants to wait too because honestly that really means a lot to me,” I explained. (also there are times when he kisses me with such passion I can feel it in my toes!)

“Okay, I will support you, just be careful,” Mom said.

Later this morning I ate breakfast and Cody texted me that there were no movie times that worked because he gets off at five and needs to be back to work at nine for a meeting but he said we could still hang. So I agreed and now I’m going to enjoy my day!

I deserve to be happy and I am honestly kinda freaking because this is my first crush since Owen. It’s a step forward and I see all of what’s happened as progress and no one’s bad attitude is going to stop me from trying.

XOXO Anna

Why Men Won’t Marry You

I was scrolling on Facebook and found this article.

Why Men Won’t Marry You

It has valid points through out, but it’s a little old fashioned. It makes me sad to think about. I’ve definitely thought about marriage, what person hasn’t? I am not sure exactly how I feel about marriage personally. I remember when I was in high school I learned that my dad didn’t believe in marriage. I was completely floored by this realization. Once he explained it to me I could see why. His stance is that he doesn’t need a paper from the government to prove his love and commitment. I can understand that and respect that. If you’ve read my posts before you will know that I posted about my parents and their Love at First Sight story. It’s truly amazing. But back to marriage! I know I am not sure what I want out of my future. For the longest time I assumed I wanted a house, pets, a husband, and kids. Only this year did it hit me when I was talking with Quick Silver and Andy that I might not want kids. Quick Silver has mentioned that he thinks he wouldn’t be a good father. I personally think differently, but whatever. As I was talking with them about the future I realized what a responsibility it would be to have a child. The financial obligation is extraordinary. Not only that, I personally, being a perfectionist, would want to make sure my kid had the perfect childhood. There’s no such thing as the perfect childhood. I would hold too high expectations of myself and whoever my partner would be. That’s when I realized maybe kids aren’t for me- at least not until I’m 35, maybe then I’ll revisit the issue.

Then I was thinking about my future in terms of a house, husband and pets. I know for sure I want a dog and cat. That is not going to change, but then I thought about having a house. I grew up in a big house. Basement, main floor, upstairs, and attic. The house has so many rooms. The previous owners had I think four or five kids, hence why there’s so many rooms. I honestly, when I am out there on my own don’t want a big house. It’s too much work and it’s expensive. I would rather have a small house or be in an apartment for a while on my own. Thinking about a husband well jeez! Ever since my father told me that he didn’t believe in marriage but married my mom because he knew she and her family believed in it my views have shifted. I grew up thinking that marriage was the end goal. It was the end all be all. But as I’ve grown up over the years I am not sure if it’s the end all be all. I know that I want my career to be very successful. I really want to thrive in whatever path I take. I feel like if I have a great career and great friends that’s all I really need. Of course a long term partner would be nice. I really do value real relationships. I am not into one night stands or random long term hookups with no commitment like most of my generation is. If I’m with someone then I’m with them. And as my dad said, I can understand why marriage is a social construct that isn’t necessary, especially in today’s age. There are however benefits to being married as my dad explained. My dad also said, “Don’t wait to marry the person, if you wait you’ll never do it. It’s better to do it quick.” He told me that when I said that I thought that you shouldn’t marry the person if you haven’t known them for two years. He knew my mom for three months and then they got married and are still happy to this day. Thirty six years. I can only hope to live up to my parents where romance is concerned. I am not sure where I lie on the issue of marriage. One half of me really wants to eventually get married. But the other half is ambivalent about the idea of marriage. I am only twenty-one and I know my views will shift over time. What is your opinion on marriage? Do you think the article is correct about men these days?

XOXO Anna

Coursera

I crave knowledge, it’s just always been a thing with me. So what do I do while out of school? Sign up for online courses! I am taking Intro to American Law, and the course is technically over this weekend, so I have a lot of catching up to do, which is fine by me. Then I also signed up for Introduction to Human Behavioral Genetics.

Hopefully this will make me feel like I’m not wasting my time while out of school. Also got in touch with my therapist, and I’ll be seeing her on friday. I am not thrilled to be going because I’ll have to tell her about Owen and being raped. I just feel shitty about it.

I wonder how Quick Silver and Andy are doing. Today was first day of classes for Spring Quarter so… yeah. I just have no idea what I’m going to do with all this free time…

XOXO Anna

Fucking Pissed at Andy and Quick Silver

Okay, not so much Quick Silver… but holy fucking hell.

My roommate texted me last night and called me today explaining a really what the fuck situation. So she gets home at 2 am Andy, Quick Silver, and a boy and girl are there. Drinks everywhere. A mess. It’s bad apparently. Quick Silver immediately starts apologizing cause they were caught red handed. My roommate explains to clean the place up and she talks to them. So she leaves and comes back again and there’s a note on the door saying they’ll be back soon. She’s confused because she doesn’t know who the note is for. 4 AM they come back in to the apartment and my roommate apparently lays down the law, tells them to clean up and be quiet and all that. I don’t know the full story but Andy is allowed access to my apartment to take care of Luvas and Sui. And when my roommate said, “You’re here for Luvas and Sui,” Andy was like “What?”

He didn’t know I had a fish. I specifically wrote it in the fucking letter I left them. I am so pissed. I texted Quick Silver and he will call me later which is good, that way I will be calm when I talk to him. But holy fucking hell I am royally fucking pissed as shit. Like who are this boy and girl that was with them? I gave ANDY and QUICK SILVER access to my apartment not anyone else. Like I am sorry but I am pissed.

If I get back and the apartment looks any different than I left it I will tell Andy to move the furniture back into it’s exact place. When someone gives you a job to pet sit, you don’t …. just I can’t even figure out how to say it.

I just hope Quick Silver will be able to explain more… and maybe I won’t be as pissed with his explanation but still, I just…. Just trying not to be too angry…

XOXO Anna

Still Sick…

Planning on staying the day in the hotel…again…

Texted Quick Silver and Andy yesterday because my roommate said that Luvas was out of food. Apparently Andy went the night I left to feed him. Quick Silver’s mom and grandma are in town so he has been spending time with them. All I know is today is St. Patrick’s Day and Quick Silver wants to avoid his grandma and mom at all costs since he wants to be drinking.

I know that Andy will get shit-faced. I just hope that during the whole St. Patricks week hype Andy will be sober enough at times to go by and feed Luvas!

I am sad that I missed out on yesterday with my family, but I think I’m going to miss out again, unless I have the energy to go out to dinner or something tonight.

But another day of rest…

XOXO Anna