I’ve Been MIA

I know I’ve been MIA. I haven’t been on for many reasons. One being school, and the second reason I will reveal next week. School has been keeping me quite busy. I am writing a paper on Rape for my Psychology and Law class. I am writing about how rape is one of the most challenging crimes to prosecute in today’s society. I am very excited and passionate about my paper.

Through doing research and reading articles for my paper I feel much more informed than I was when I was sexually assaulted and then raped two times. I truly wish I had the knowledge I have now, so I could go back and make sure I didn’t shower, or wait too long to report. I also have gotten quite angry, thinking back to when I did report. I could tell the officer who was taking down my statement and interviewing me for Monster didn’t take anything I said seriously or thought I was lying. I hated that feeling. The worst part was weeks later when he called me to tell me the DA didn’t want to take my case, and that Monster said he didn’t rape me. As if my rapist saying he didn’t rape me equivalated his innocence. That officer took my rapist’s side. The second rape that I reported was for Owen. The initial report wasn’t with the officer who I would be getting a formal interview from, but the first officer wanted to take down as much information to pass along to the officer I would be meeting with. The officer I eventually met with seemed kind, sensitive, and understanding. I really had hope. This officer seemed to, at the beginning, want to investigate the case. Of course, once we did the recorded phone call, and Owen denied everything and attempted to gaslight me, the officer said he would call me with more information. He never called. I called, he said he didn’t have anything and that he would call me. Again, he never called back. Another officer lets me down. I only hope that my rapists don’t go on to rape other women. I hope my sexual assaulter, Peter, doesn’t go on to assault other women, though I would think that Peter would be. I regret not reporting Peter because I personally feel like he had done that before to other women and that I wasn’t the first.

The first part of my paper I am addressing the problems that make rape difficult to prosecute, such as different definitions in each state for rape and sexual assault, the fact that victims are the ones that are often questioned on their character rather than the suspect, and the lack of physical evidence in rape cases. The second half of the paper is on trying to offer solutions to the issues. I think rape should have a universal definition across the country, and sexual assault should have a universal definition across the country. There should be education at a younger age about rape. I think the first time rape was really talked about and explained was in college, possibly high school. When kids have sex-ed they should also learn about consent and rape. Then, police should be trained, or have a forensic psychologist or neuropsychologist present in interviews so that the psychologist can explain the victim’s behavior instead of the cops just assuming the victim is lying.

I’ve only gotten my introduction done so far, but next week is spring break and I will be working on the paper all week.

XOXO Anna

The Hunting Ground

I just watched the documentary The Hunting Ground on Netflix and it was amazing. As someone who has been sexually assaulted, and raped twice, it really hit home for me. Honestly watching the documentary was terrifying. Terrifying because of how rampant a problem it is, not that I didn’t know, but hearing their stories, and seeing how poorly College Universities handled it was sickening. It makes me not want my kids to go to a college one day, because I would hate for my kid to have the same fate as me.

I went to the Savannah College of Art and Design in Savannah, Georgia and I somewhat reported what Peter did to me. I talked to a therapist who was extremely helpful to me through the situation, and when going to the person who handles reports, she explained to me what would happen if I ended up reporting through the school or through the police. I know that if you report through SCAD it protects them, and when if reporting to the police I believe they don’t reveal that the student went to SCAD because it’s a private college. Personally I think that’s stupid. I went to SCAD and yes, it was a SCAD senior at the time who sexually assaulted me, but it wasn’t on campus but at his apartment. I ended up not reporting Peter, as you know if you’ve read my blog.

I did end up reporting Monster, the boyfriend who raped me, a year after it happened. He went to GCSU (Georgia College and State University) in Milledgeville, GA. I remember reporting was not fun. The police officer was a man, and I could tell how skeptical he was of me reporting. He asked why I waited and I told him it was because I thought no one would support me, and at the time I didn’t have anyone who would come with me to do it. Milledgeville is a three hour drive from Savannah, so it’s a long trek to go alone, especially when I could have run into Monster… In the room was the officer, myself, and a person from the university who handles cases within the university. In the end the police didn’t convict. They said they didn’t have sufficient evidence. The school however said they were still looking into it. I remember, and still have, the letter I got from the school saying they didn’t find sufficient evidence. I do have to wonder if they talked to any of Monsters friends who were there that night who witnessed how drunk I was and the fact that I had a flashback and I couldn’t walk…

When I reported Owen to the Savannah Chatham County Police, that was a completely different experience. I remember going there with Ramone and the woman at the desk was very supportive as I was breaking down crying waiting to talk to an officer. Ramone explained to the desk officer why I was breaking down, because my parents told me not to report. The woman told me I was doing the right thing. Eventually we saw an officer and he took down my statement and said he would pass it onto the sexual assault officer and I eventually got a call from that officer a couple days later. He again took my statement and worked with me. We did a recorded phone call and of course Owen had known I reported and played as if nothing happened that night. The officer told me he would do what he could and still investigate after that. He called the Rape Crisis in Savannah since I was in a suicidal state after that phone call. I went to Andy’s apartment where Quick Silver was also at. That night was terrifying and sad. Andy and Quick Silver kept me from doing anything to myself and helped me through the night.

The officer lied to me, I believe. My police professor at the college I go to now told me that a recorded phone call, if the perp denies anything happened then the case is ended. So I was pissed to know that my officer gave me false hope. I wish he was straight with me and told me there was nothing else he could do.

I obviously am being more open about my experience with my assaults in this post, and that’s because I want to be. Before I was scared. I mean, why do you think my blog is anonymous. I fear the repercussions of standing up for myself against these men. I fear what people will think of me if they knew who I really was.

Cody, India, Ramone, Quick Silver, and Andy are the only ones who gave me the reaction I was hoping for after telling them. My sister obviously told me it wasn’t my fault. Cody said the same thing and cried with me and held me and told me he couldn’t believe anyone could do such terrible things to me and that he wished he could hurt them in my defense. Ramone was horrified when I told him and he took me to the station, gave me the courage and support I needed to be able to report. Quick Silver told me that Owen raped me and reporting was my choice. Andy got angry and was about to go defend my honor. No one had shown anger for me when I told them except for Andy and Cody. Most just blamed me or asked why I did what I did, or what could I have done differently, or was I sure it was rape. Those were people I thought were my friends.

For those who are reading this and have been through similar situations I am sorry. I wish that rape and assault could end and not exist. It is so prominent in our culture and it makes me angry. That is why I am posting and being open. This documentary made me so angry to see all these women and hear their stories and know how terribly the colleges handled it. If anyone ever needs to reach out or talk, I’m here to listen. Seriously, my email is on the side of my site, feel free to shoot me an email if you need someone to talk to. I know how crappy and terrible it is to go through such a scary experience. I know how scary PTSD can be. I’ve been through it and still sometimes suffer from it. But there is hope and recovery is possible. Also, I’ve written this before, but those of you have gone through this…you are not a victim but a survivor. It takes tremendous courage and strength to keep going after such a traumatic violation. Especially when people turn on you. So know that you are not alone and you are strong. I believe in all of you and know that you can get through this.

XOXO Anna

Sick, Talking, and Sex

Last night after I posted I got sick; I didn’t throw up but I had an upset stomach and felt nauseous. It sucked and I didn’t let Cody know. He was gaming and I dealt with it for three hours. Cody went to check on me and found me holding a trash can. He wished I had told him. I didn’t want him to worry. But he made me tea and got me water and stayed with me for a bit before going back to gaming. That kind of created some tension though for me.

I wanted for him to not go back to gaming after he found out I wasn’t feeling well, but he said, “why can’t I do both?” I get it, he can game and care about me at the same time, but I just wished he would have stayed with me, but I didn’t tell him that, so I don’t blame him for not knowing.

Before he left though I told him I was only going to be mad at him if he didn’t read the post The Story With Peter later that night. I told him I was waiting all night for that. He obviously wasn’t going to read it that night by his reaction. I told him he could go game but that I was expecting that he would read it later. He said that he said he didn’t want to read it because he didn’t want his mood to change, and I said I thought he meant earlier. I told him I was giving him the night to do gaming and whatever before he read it. In the end I felt disappointed and told him not to read it and to go game.

He left looking pathetic and probably feeling bad. He did check on me after five minutes to make sure I was okay and I said I was starting to feel better. He left and I was about to write a post when he game in and sat on the bed. He looked really emotional and I was confused by that. He told me he read the post and was extremely angry. I wasn’t sure if I believed him so he told me some things I wrote and I new he didn’t skim but actually read it. We ended up talking about it, and honestly it brought up a lot. I was so happy that he didn’t blame me. In fact, he said what some others said when it first happened and I told people. He and others said that Peter sounded like a predator. It was just interesting how Cody used that word because others had too. It felt good that Cody didn’t blame me, believed me, and was angry about it.

I did feel ashamed though. For the longest time Peter felt like a dirty little secret. Now it’s out for everyone to know or read. I am not sure how I feel about it completely. Part of me is happy that I feel like I’m not carrying that around like it is something to hide…and part of me feels very vulnerable because I shared that experience. I do feel embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed because of what Peter did to me. I don’t like feeling those emotions, but that’s the emotions that come up when I talk about Peter.

This morning before Cody had to go to work we had sex, but I got slightly triggered so we stopped. I felt like crap because I got triggered again. It sucked. Cody told me that nothing changed when I asked if he looked at me differently. He still loves me and all that. I was just scared that if Cody knew all that then things might change or maybe he wouldn’t be able to look at me the same or that he would leave. Cody thought I was being ridiculous with thinking that but understood.

I’m feeling better this morning though, besides still feeling a bit sick. Even though I was triggered, Cody and I talked. I went to grab breakfast and I am quite relaxed now. Hoping the rest of the day goes well! I’ll be grabbing lunch with Cody, and I should go grocery shopping… but probably won’t. Then tonight Cody and I will go out to dinner and come home for netflix and cuddling…so it probably will be a good day.

XOXO Anna

The Story with Peter

I never really have talked about Peter on here. I’ve mentioned him sometimes, but never really talked about what happened to me. He is why my life took an unimaginable turn. I never thought that anything bad could really happen to me, not like sexual assault. When I went off to college I was optimistic and hopeful. I thought I would maybe finally get a boyfriend and enjoy my classes. I never imagined that the happy, innocent, good girl I was would be taken away from me. I will never be able to get that girl back, and that’s okay. I’ve improved over the past three years. I’ve also changed in many ways that I have wanted to.

I’ve written about Monster and Owen, but not about Peter. I think it’s because I have the most shame and guilt surrounding him. I have tried to tell Cody about what Peter did and what happened, but Cody stops me before I get five minutes into it because he can’t hear it. It hurts him too much to think that Peter assaulted me from midnight until eight in the morning. I have wanted to talk about Peter and what happened for a while now, but never had the courage. I don’t blame Cody for not being able to hear my story, but I would still like to tell it, and this is the only way I know how.

So warning, this could be triggering. If you’re not comfortable hearing this, then stop reading. If you’re okay with reading about this, then continue.

February 26th, 2013

That day I went to Intro to Dramatic Writing. I talked to Peter about the movies that were on his computer and how I hadn’t seen any of them. He said I could come over to his place that night to watch them. He also said there would probably be weed and alcohol. I thanked him for the warning and said it would be fine.

I went back to the dorms and asked Ethan if I could go. It was our one month anniversary, and I really hoped that he would say no and want to spend time with me. He had work to do though, like always, and said that I could go as long as Peter knew I had a boyfriend. I texted Peter and told him, and he said, no problem because he had a girlfriend.

Peter was an hour late. I had been hanging out in Ethan’s room until Peter got there. I remember Ethan thinking it was douchey of him to be late. I remember my stomach growling as I walked to Peter’s car. I hadn’t really eaten that day. When I get to the car there’s another guy in there. It’s Peter’s roommate. I sit in the back seat in the middle. I remember not knowing where we were driving because it was dark and I didn’t know the town well.

We got to Peter’s apartment. He set up the movie on the TV and his roommate gets the weed ready to smoke. His roommate takes a hit, and passes it to Peter. Peter takes a hit and passes it to me. I didn’t know what to do, so Peter instructed me. I didn’t get much of the hit I tried. Peter lit the lighter the second time, and he told me to inhale, inhale, hold, hold, hold…and breathe. I got a real big hit off that. I was never one to relax. I didn’t really feel the affects during the first movie we watched which was Rise of the Guardians. Near the end Peter helped me take another hit. I was feeling the affects near the end of the movie. A friend of theirs came over at the end of that movie. I can’t remember his name, but if I saw him I would recognize him. They put on The Hobbit. I was so high I couldn’t really pay attention to the movie. Alcohol was mentioned, and they were out. I got excited about that. I wanted some alcohol, I wanted to feel cool. Peter started getting ready to go out. I sat there, and Peter asked, “Well aren’t you going to put on your boots?” I put them on and we headed to the car.

We stopped for gas at Parkers gas station on MLK. We then went to Parker’s Market on Drayton to get the alcohol. We stopped. We passed a police officer I remember, because I knew we were high and it was illegal, and that made me nervous as we walked in the store. We browsed, and Peter was looking around at the beer and asked what I liked. I told him I hadn’t drank anything except for Budlight at a senior high school party. Peter got Miller’s lite for me, and I can’t remember what he got for himself, but it was stronger. I mentioned I was hungry and Peter said I could grab something if I wanted. I grabbed Nacho Dorito’s. Peter paid, and I carried the bag to the car.

I opened the Dorito’s and Peter took some and we drove back to his place. The friend was gone, The Hobbit still playing, and the roommate saying he was going to bed because he had an 8 AM. I also had an 8 AM and it was midnight. I knew I wasn’t going to be going to that class. So we put on Hotel Transylvania and I tried Peter’s beer and decided to go with the Miller Lite. Maybe we took another hit, I can’t remember. But I finished one beer and so did Peter. He got up for another, I asked for another. I was sitting on a couch and didn’t know I was already drunk. I drank the second and so did Peter. He got another, and we split it.

Some how relationships were mentioned. I told Peter that Ethan was my first relationship and I had no idea what I was doing or if I was doing anything right. Peter asked me further about it and I told him Ethan never wanted to do anything and Peter couldn’t believe that. He told me I was pretty, and cute, and sexy. I had never been told that by a guy and couldn’t believe an older cuter guy was saying that about me. Ethan said I was pretty but sexy? No. I told Peter I was clueless and I started feeling spinny and I couldn’t really comprehend what Peter was telling me. Like part of me knew what he was saying but I wasn’t in the mind set to interpret what he was saying. He was telling me that I should bite Ethan’s lip when we kiss, and I didn’t really get that. Peter demonstrated on me. I was shocked but I was like okay…

Peter then told me to do it to him. I was shy and said I couldn’t. Peter said I could, and put his hand on my face and kissed me, and so I bite his lip and Peter said, “Good, you got it.”

We continued talking. I told him I didn’t really feel anything with Ethan when I was on top making out. Peter said it was because I was a Sub. He said he was a Dom. I didn’t understand those terms back then. He said I was submissive and that was why I wasn’t getting anything out of making out with Ethan. Peter got on me and kissed me. I felt something. Peter said, “yeah you’re a submissive.” Peter said something about choking and I didn’t get it so he put his hand out to demonstrate and I remember squirming, but Peter said, “Stay still I am not going to hurt you.” He put his hand around my neck and gently tightened a bit. I kind of liked that. So Peter got on me again, and kissed me and “choked” me. He then bit my ear. That was interesting…

I knew this all was not supposed to be happening. I couldn’t believe this older guy thought I was cute. He even told me, “If you were my girlfriend I would make time for you.” Peter was over me and pinned me down, and I liked that and he was saying I was definitely a submissive. He continued demonstrating. He said I was wet when he felt my body up and down. I got nervous and felt embarrassed about that I remember. Peter said it was good, it meant I was enjoying myself or something like that. Peter then asked, “Has anyone ever gone down on you?” I replied, “No” shyly. He unzipped my shorts and said “is this okay?” and I shrugged nervously and pulled them off. He came back up and was kissing me while feeling me down there. He was getting hard. He slipped his finger in my underwear and fingered me. It kinda hurt at first but then felt good. He then went down on me. I had never felt anything like that. It was strange, I was nervous and scared. I remember he looked up at me while doing it. “I want to try some things to see if you like them,” he said and he did a lot of things down there. I won’t go into detail because I personally don’t want to recount that. He put my underwear back on. We continued watching the movie. I asked to be pinned down again to see if I did really actually like it. He did. He said he could “pin me against a wall to see if I liked that” and I said “I don’t know.” He continued making out with me and he then put on Brave when Hotel Transylvania ended. Eventually I was pinned against the wall. I felt like I was on a storming ship, everything was spinning even though I couldn’t move my arms or legs because Peter’s arms and body held me tight against the wall. I was so out of it. I remember wondering if I was going to puke.

We eventually went back to the couch, and I was falling asleep or so out of it I don’t really remember anything. Peter was hard, and he was like, “You’re doing that to me.” I couldn’t believe that. He felt my underwear again and was like, “You’re so wet.” He liked that. Then more stuff happened, like making out. He showed me different positions, and I only remember that because I remember being upside down at one point but I barely remember that. He asked if I had ever seen a penis before. I hadn’t. He pulled his out and was stroking it. He asked if I had ever given a hand job and I said no. He said it was easy and I was like I don’t know. He grabbed my hand and put it on his penis and put his hand over mine, guiding it. He eventually took his hand away and I stopped and was going to pull my hand away but he said to continue. I did for a second and stopped. He asked if I’d ever given a blow job, and I said no. He asked if I wanted to, and I said no. He said, “Okay, but if you ever want lessons, just call me and I’ll show you everything you need to know.”

Eventually we went to his room. I laid in his bed. He started kissing me again. I remember him having his shirt off and having a tattoo of a tiger head on the back of his right shoulder. He went down on me again in the bed room. He took my shirt off. Kissed my neck and chest. He said, “I want to see something,” and he pulled my bra down and sucked my nipple, and said, “Yeah yours are sensitive too.” I remember feeling very violated after that. He continued doing stuff. Eventually we passed out at 8 AM. I didn’t wake up until like 4 PM.

I told Ethan that stuff happened with Peter when I saw him later that evening. Ethan thought I cheated. I thought I cheated. At the time I didn’t know what sexual assault or rape was. Only when I told a friend what happened did he tell me I was sexually assaulted. That was hard to hear. Peter forever changed my life. I was always the good girl. I was into relationships, not smoking, not drinking, not partying. After Peter I felt tainted, like trash, I felt disgusted and ashamed with myself. It took me months to understand that I didn’t want Peter to do that even thought it felt physically pleasuring. I was so confused by that. I felt guilty. Ethan and I eventually broke up.

The reason I was so hesitant to share this was because I’ve already gotten so many opinions and comments from people about what I’ve gone through. I’ve gotten blamed, and had people say not so great things about me. But I am sharing this because I believe what happened to me was wrong. Peter was older and knew what he was doing. I even remember having one of the doctors at the school health clinic warn me that older guys loved to take advantage of the freshman girls. I remember thinking that it couldn’t happen to me. But it did. It changed my life forever.

I started drinking, and partying and hooking up thinking I wasn’t worth anything but sex. I wasn’t anything but an object. I still think of myself like that sometimes, but it’s not as often. It will be three years since Peter assaulted me this February 26th. I’ve come so far since that incident. I never thought I would be going to a Criminal Justice school. I never thought I would be in a healthy relationship. I never thought anyone could love me. I didn’t think I was ever going to be okay. But three years later and I’m doing much better. Yes I was raped by Monster and raped by Owen, but I am doing alright given all that I’ve been through.

XOXO Anna

Going Back to GA on Sunday

I am totally excited about GA! I am so happy to being Quick Silver and Andy! I’ve missed them like crazy. I’ll also be seeing Ethan…so that will be interesting. I am excited to show Cody everything and show him off to my friends.

The only thing is I am crazy anxious about being triggered. What if I see Owen? What if I see Peter DJing some club? I doubt Monster would be there, but still.

I hate that the place I love and miss brings such anxiety. I have been going through my blog and editing each and every post so it’s in categories, which was something I should have done ages ago. And re-reading some of my old posts made me sad. I read a post where I was talking about being freaked out about being hit on in Panera.

I just hope that when Cody and I get to Savannah I don’t freak. I want to enjoy this vacation and not have to worry about my safety or being triggered, and more to the point, Cody shouldn’t have to worry about me being triggered. It’s not his job.

It’s sweet that he wants to take care of me and all, but I am used to being in Savannah and dealing with it on my own unless I ask for help. Cody helps even when not asked, which I am not used to. It’s sweet, but sometimes I just feel so bad because I do feel like I’m a burden or it’s too much even if he doesn’t. Like I don’t want to be a downer.

I want to be able for Cody not to worry. Like even tonight he was worried about me because Jack Daniels is kind of a trigger for me so he lied about it and when we got to his house I saw a bottle that he dad got. He said he lied because he was worried it would make me want to drink or something. I really hate that he worried about me. It’s sweet, but I can handle myself. Or if I can’t, then let me drown myself in my destruction until I get through it on my own. Yeah, I know self-destruction is not good, but sometimes I just want to do what I want even if it’s not the healthiest.

But Cody loves me so much that he won’t let me self-destruct, which I am thankful for. But damn do I feel guilty about still wanting to at times. And yeah, I really don’t feel like I deserve someone as good as Cody. I mean, why do I deserve someone like Cody? I’ve been treated like crap by every guy…so why do I deserve the good treatment? I am not used to it at all, even after six months.

Also India and her boyfriend left this morning, so it’s been strange to not have her around. I really wanted to breakdown this morning at 5:30 AM when I said goodbye. I haven’t cried yet, but it’s only a matter of time before I cry.

I just am going into the new year hoping that things with my sister continue to get better, that Cody and I still remain good and happy, and that college goes well. If all that happens I will consider myself lucky.

Hope everyone has a good new year!

XOXO Anna

Stress, PTSD, Adoption

Yesterday I had my job interview, I personally have no idea on how it went. But with my cynical personality I tend to think that maybe I won’t get the job….but who knows! Anyways, I talked to my sister yesterday and it sucked. It really made me depressed (and that was after me being sad about the job interview). I went home and finished watching some chick flick and had two glasses of prosecco. Cody came home as the movie was finishing. I was not happy. I thought he wouldn’t be home that soon so he caught me watching a chick flick and drinking.

Chick flicks aren’t my thing, unless I’m sad and feeling romantic. I watch chick flicks when I feel like I have no real romantic future for myself, so why not lose myself in a stupid movie that makes it seem like people can get happy endings. As I stated before, I was having a very low day yesterday.

Cody ended up cheering me up. I was jealous that he went to hang with his brother. I mean, great for him, go do that. Hell, I wish I could do that with my sister. But my sister and I are still not on the best of terms I guess. I’m happy that Cody got to hang with his brother but it made me realize how much I miss hanging with my sister.

At the moment I have Cody and Serena as my options for people to hang out with. Cody has all his friends. Like he is hanging with one of his friends tomorrow, and I’m happy that he is doing that but it makes me wish I had some friends around me to hang out with. Maybe I’ll text Ethan, or other people from GA and see if they are free to Skype around the time that Cody will be hanging with his friend. I just don’t think anyone will be free to Skype with me… but I’ll try.

I guess since I hadn’t blogged in a while nor have I written in my journal, I didn’t realize how much Monster stuff, sister stuff, and school stuff was affecting me. I looked up classes for spring semester today and I am excited for the classes I want to take but it reminded me that I am not in school right now and it sucks. I love being in school. I know I may sound like a nerd but I love to learn.

My sister being distant has been hard. I just wish we could make up and talk about everything and she would let me in and I could help. I want to go back to the days of us in the TV room, watching shows together while eating our smart food and drinking tea and coffee. It was our thing and we haven’t done that in ages. Now I just watch TV by myself, and sometimes I turn my head to make a comment but my sister isn’t there. It’s sad.

Monster stuff has been coming up for a while without me realizing it until a couple days ago. But watching that chick flick yesterday just made me think of Monster, and watching the movie with the couple that got the happy ending of being together despite the struggles they had made me feel like I would never get the happily ever after. I know I may sound like a kid with a dream, but that’s okay. Everyone has dreams. My dream is to have a family and career. Peter, Monster, and Owen took that dream from me. Though even before them, when I was with Ethan, he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for a real commitment.

Ethan saw this gif, and I said that was so mean, and he said “yeah, I am going to do that for someone someday, it will be funny.” Note how he said someone. I guess I never got the message from anyone that I was long term material. I know that most guys see me as short term because they see me as a hot fuck. Which sucks. But whatever.

Before I met Cody, I envisioned my future as someone who had only their career and their pet. No husband or boyfriend, no real friends, and no kids. The best possible scenario I envisioned was me adopting and being a single mom. That was my happy ending that I saw after my trauma’s, and the single mom thing was if I was lucky. I know that when Cody heard me say that to him once he was sad that I thought of my future like that.

Now I actually do see a real possibility for a normal future. The one I dreamt of. But at the same time, with Monster stuff coming up, it threatens that dream of mine. It makes me feel like even though Cody and I are good, and he loves me and sees a future with me, I somehow think it’s going to disappear or be taken away. I know it’s irrational, but I just can’t help it I guess. I don’t think that all the time, it’s only when I feel vulnerable or down or some other emotion that is accosted with something negative. That’s why yesterday was so hard on me. I felt the job interview didn’t go so well, so I felt like a failure or rejected which brings out my trauma feelings, hence why I started thinking that I don’t get to have the future I dreamed of.

I am trying to figure out what I can do to make me feel better. I know being social could potentially make me feel better, but who the hell am I supposed to be social with?! I don’t want to hang with Serena again, I just hung out with her the other day. I just wish I had my guy friends around. I wanna hang with them. I want to feel like I actually do have friends and am not some loner loser. I know I am being quite harsh with my words towards myself. It’s just this is how I felt back in high school. I was a loner in high school. I had my small group of friends, but other than that I was a loner.

Cody seems to have so many friends and right now I feel like I have none. It’s a bit hard. Especially because of the fact that right now Monster stuff is coming up, I know I am not supposed to isolate or hide. I am supposed to try to go out and have fun.

But how am I supposed to have fun? Please tell me because for me, and my past, fun meant getting drunk and finding a guy to go home with to forget the fact that I went through the trauma’s. And right now, realizing that Monster stuff is coming up makes me want to avoid and hide. I want to pretend that all of it never happened to me.

I definitely am starting to struggle with my PTSD again…yay me for being not strong enough or something. I know that in my PTSD book it says that when symptoms come up it doesn’t mean you’re a failure, but right now I feel so angry. Angry at myself and angry at Monster. I know Cody says that my PTSD and anorexia and other stuff isn’t who I am, but it is part of me. I know that he says I make him happy and he loves me, but the part of me that was violated by these guys doesn’t comprehend that still.

People say experience is one of life’s best teachers. In my experience people eventually bail because of my PTSD. Cody says he isn’t going to bail. I’ve heard that before. I know he is different than the other people and I shouldn’t compare…but I am a bit scared. Hell, Eric was there for three years and then suddenly walks away as if I meant nothing to him. It seemed so easy for him to leave…after THREE FUCKING YEARS! Yeah, I’m angry. So much for best friends and being family, it obviously meant nothing. But see, it took Eric three years to leave me but he left. The others seem to come and go. They are there for me and then they will leave when things get tough, and somehow we come back together and the cycle repeats. There’s a reason I fear abandonment. I know my abandonment issues go way beyond these past couple years. It honestly, in my opinion, stems from my adoption. I am not sure if I’ve talked about my adoption on here yet, but I am now.

I’ve talked with my parents multiple times about my adoption. I think that me feeling unlovable and unworthy and undeserving all stems from my adoption. In my mind, I honestly don’t know how a parent could give up their child. I am not judging those who have, that’s your choice. For me, I think back and imagine having my parents give me away. Maybe it was hard for them, maybe it wasn’t their choice, maybe other things were at play. But at the end of the day, my thoughts on my adoption are that I was unwanted. If my own biological parents didn’t want me then why the hell would anyone else want me? I know, I’m being a little cynical and depressing, but it’s how I feel at times. But I know that my real parents want me and love me. I know that some stupid people who are my biological parents shouldn’t define whether I am good enough, lovable, wanted, and so on. They truly are just meaningless. The only thing they were good for was creating me, so why should I put so much weight into them? Who cares if they gave me away? Maybe it’s not me who isn’t deserving but it’s them? Because even though I’ve gone through a lot, I think I am deserving of lots of things. I think I am deserving of love and respect. I think I am worthy…as long as I don’t think about my adoption and trauma’s that is. So I am a fucking work in progress, which I will always be.

I guess I have to be okay with the fact that I am human and I am not perfect.

XOXO Anna

Letter Of Anger

So in treatment today we all wrote letters to people we were angry at. I decided to share because I had been wanting to be able to share but was too scared until now. The response was so positive. They told me I should share what I wrote, so here it goes.

Dear Peter, fuck you. You took my first sexual experience from me.

Dear Monster, what is wrong with you? I was your girlfriend, I lost my virginity to you, and then you end up raping me? Are you fucking kidding me? You betrayed me in the worst way possible.

Dear Eric, I hate you for abandoning me. We promised no matter what, we’d always be friends. You turned into everything you never wanted to me. I’ll never understand your betrayal. Fuck you.

Dear Owen, what the hell is wrong with you? We were dating, making progress, and you rape me? What is your problem? Were you really that insecure? Seriously?

Because of you guys I left GA, my school, my old life. The Anna I once was is dead and gone. I’ve lost so much because of these trauma’s. But I’m not letting you guys win. I am going to NYC, studying psychology and criminology, and one day I’ll be putting people like you behind bars.

After I spoke that aloud, they all clapped. They said it was an empowering and inspiring letter. One girl even said I was her hero. Another said it sounded like slam poetry. So I decided to share.

XOXO Anna

Drinking, Feelings, and Relationships

Yesterday was a very interesting day. I woke up with Cody and we went out to brunch. I knew there was nothing for me to eat there. I got a drink, as in alcoholic, and then another and had a bit of Cody’s friends salad.

We all then went to the bar Cody likes and I got two more drinks. One while Cody was there, and another when his friend took him to get his car. Not a good choice on my part with little food in my stomach. I don’t really remember leaving the bar. The fact that I drank so much that I don’t remember or that it is so fuzzy I need someone to tell me worried me.

So I have decided to cut back on drinking, like a lot. I’m going to see if I can find a good AA meeting around me. I really miss the ones back at my school in GA. They had a great one! I went on days I didn’t even have the urge to drink because the people were so friendly.

Last night when Cody was over I told him I was going to be cutting back and I would possibly need his help, especially if we are in that kind of environment where everyone is drinking. There’s a reason I had to give up the party life while I started going to AA. I honestly wasn’t ready to be around people drinking at that point because it was too tempting for me to drink.

I then was trying to figure out why I was drinking so much. Things are pretty good right now, so why the drinking? Well, I think a lot has to do with the little things just building up. For one, a new relationship. Being in a relationship can be stressful to anyone, but for me, because of my past it takes more adjusting. Then my sister hates me. My mom isn’t helping when it comes to my eating disorder. My dad was in the hospital. Also, I am trying my best to eat! That means I have taken away not eating as a coping skill. As they say you trade one addiction for another. I used to trade my anorexia for cutting or drinking. I can’t cut. So I guess I turned to drinking. Also, I am doing EMDR so that brings up a lot of crap.

Today I have a therapy session and I am going to ask if we can start up EMDR again. See, we do a couple EMDR sessions and then take a break for a couple sessions because of how intense it can get.

But anyways! Last night Cody was freaking amazing. Like I was super stressing because my mom and I just talked and she said a comment about treatment and I was done. She was like, “I don’t care if you go back tomorrow or ever. You don’t need treatment. You use it as a crutch.” Sorry but …holy fucking crap. She is wrong. See, there are times I can handle it without treatment, but the thing is, once I stop eating for enough days, that’s when I need the help. If I catch it early, I can get back on track. But once it becomes a pattern or “normal” then I can’t get back to eating on my own. That’s what happened this time round.

I was trying to eat on my own, couldn’t. My sister and I started doing a meal plan thing, it was hard. I got eight days of following it, and then I started having a social life and my eating fell to shit. I needed Renfrew at that point because no amount of having someone sit me down to eat was going to make me eat.

Anyways, so Cody was awesome, he gave me this fucking to die for back massage. It really relaxed me because I was so wound up. Like Jesus! So fucking amazing. Then Cody and I were talking more, and he was just telling me all the sweetest things. Like there was a point at which I was honestly speechless and had no idea what to say. He was saying things like how beautiful I am, and how pretty my face is and how there are just things I do that make me adorable. Like he says it’s the little things about me that he loves. Also! Oh my god, there are times when Cody and I are talking and he just says things in the most poetic way. I can’t even handle it. Last night he was explaining how again, I am separate from my problems. That he knows me, and when I’m breaking down, it’s not me. He said, “When I see you crying like that, it’s not Anna in front of me, and all I want to do is get Anna back.” I like died a little inside. It is also true. Now, if I ever breakdown or have a flashback I’ll be thinking about that comment.

Cody is one of the first people who actually seems to…I don’t know. Like, okay, here is how I can explain this. I have a healthy part of my mind, the logic side, and then I have the unhealthy part of my mind, which encompasses all my ED thoughts and other things. It’s as if Cody is like the logic side of my head if my logic were a human. I know that sounds really strange. But see, the things he says to me, I already know to some degree, and the fact that another person see’s that, makes me believe it more.

The things Cody says to me at times, and the way he explains things to me, makes so much sense. It’s like when he says it, I hear it and I understand it. It clicks. That really doesn’t happen to me. My dad is very logic and analytical and intellectual and I am sure my dad has said things that Cody has told me, but there’s a difference. My dad is family so I feel like it’s not as real when he says things that Cody’s told me. Also, my dad doesn’t explain it in the exact way that Cody does. See, Ethan and my dad have very similar logical minds, and they both would tell me the things Cody’s told me, but there was always something missing. You know what that was? Emotion. My dad and Ethan, when they would explain it, it was logical, detached. When Cody tells me these things, I see the emotion behind it. I also like the way he breaks it all down and explains it step by step. I’ve never met anyone like him.

Cody said there are times that I blow him away. I laughed. I honestly am not sure how I do that, but I’ll take it. I mean, he mentions my looks a lot, which is nice, but at the same time I’d like to hear more about how me as a person is what also makes him love me. I mean, he says, I love you for you and who you are.

I feel so lucky to have met Cody. Truly, lucky. I am very happy that I’ve met him. We, personality wise, get along very well, and that’s very important. I think part of why we get along well is because we are similar in many ways and we can see where each other is coming from when an issue comes up. It makes it easier to understand and reassure the other when that happens. I also love our differences too. It makes for a good balance.

In relationships there are stages. Because I’ve taken psychology and learned so much from my experiences in GA, I feel like I know a lot. I know what to possibly expect and can prepare myself. See, even from my past relationships I’ve learned a lot. Though I used to be very emotionally driven, throughout my experience I’ve become more logically driven, more like Ethan and my dad, but I haven’t lost the emotional side.

Cody says I am perfect for him. I like the way he phrases that because I am not perfect. Maybe for him, but I am not perfect for most people. I have my little quirks and character flaws like everyone else. That’s one thing that is important in a relationship, is to acknowledge the other person has flaws and is human. In the honeymoon stage everything seems perfect and like a dream. There’s a reason most relationships end after that stage. People often “wake up” and are shocked at who they’re in a relationship with. The things they thought were once cute, now annoy them. I’ve gotten only to stage two in relationships. Here, for those who don’t know them, I’ll list them.

1. The Honeymoon stage (romantic, drug induced phase)
2. The Power Struggle phase (where most couples breakup)
3. The Stability Stage
4. The Commitment Stage
5. The Bliss/Co-creation Stage

I think I got to stage two with Ethan and Eric. Ethan and I only made it to stage two because of what happened with Peter. Ethan and I tried to overcome that. We maybe almost got to stage three, but ended up breaking up. Eric and I were just entering the power struggle phase when Eric bailed. I think he didn’t like that he didn’t have all the power.  See stage two is about compromise and understanding. That is key. It’s about understanding that there are going to be differences, and there are going to be things that come up, but you have to know which battle to fight and what to let go. I think that’s why Eric and I ended. He just figured things weren’t like they were, which was the honeymoon stage. He didn’t like that I was hanging out with guy friends and became more controlling. The thing is I was aware of what was happening, where he wasn’t. I think that’s what went wrong. The power struggle phase is difficult. It’s the stage where you feel betrayed because things aren’t like they were, or you think to yourself who is this person, or you want to run, etc. I knew it was stage two because I wanted to run. I knew I shouldn’t though, because I was aware of what was happening. It is a natural part of a relationship when you start to argue or things change. Change is inevitable. It’s the only way to move forward.

I am glad that Cody has actually had a longer term relationship than me, I feel like because he has that experience, it will be easier to navigate now. I mean, for me, knowing about the honeymoon stage and everything, I try my best to not be blindsided. I am trying to see Cody as a person with amazing traits and some flaws. I see both the good and bad. I accept both. It’s not even good or bad, it’s more like his strengths and weaknesses. Cody has so many strengths that I don’t have and that makes him extremely attractive to me. Like very fucking attractive. I like it when my partner has strengths where I myself am weak. It gives me the opportunity to learn from my partner, and I’ve mentioned before that I love learning from my partner.

We do both have some similar weaknesses, such as our issues with jealousy. We both get jealous. But, seeing him get jealous, and me knowing there’s nothing to be jealous about, helps me with my own jealousy, because I realize that it’s the same situation for him. He may get jealous of one of my guy friends, but they are just my friends. So when I get jealous of one of his girl friends, I just think to myself they are the equivalent to one of my guy friends. It doesn’t always work, but for the most part it kills the jealousy.

But yeah, totally going all psych here today. I guess I really just want school to start. I am truly excited! I honestly can’t freaking wait! Hope everyone’s having a good day!

XOXO Anna

Liquid Courage, Pinned Against A Wall, and Intense Emotions

Last night after Cody helped me make dinner we went to one of his friends houses. We drank and hung out. One of Cody’s friends got a little too drunk I guess because after he and Cody were play wrestling, I somehow ended up pinned against a wall. Plus when I came in the room before all that happened he was kinda being flirty with me, which made me uncomfortable, and he had his arm around me at one point. But anyways, yeah he pinned me against a wall.

It wasn’t bad, like when Peter pinned me against a wall, he had me up against the wall so hard I couldn’t move. Cody’s friend had me against the wall, but I could kinda move, but at the same time I felt trapped. Like, I totally love the whole being pinned against a wall because it’s hot, like if Cody were pinning me against the wall I wouldn’t have been uncomfortable, I’d be turned on.

But given the fact that I didn’t really know Cody’s friend well it definitely was kinda not cool. Cody later when we got back to my house told me he pulled a knife on his friend, not like putting it to his neck but keeping it three finger lengths away but still making it clear that he needed to let me go.

Cody’s other friend told Cody that if the other guy ever did anything like that again that Cody should beat his ass. I honestly was shocked when Cody said he pulled his knife out to get his friend to let me go. I mean, honestly that’s kinda hot and a turn on and makes me feel safe and protected.

Later when we got home I was still drunk, but we did these questions that I found a while ago that supposedly makes someone fall in love or makes the person more prone to falling in love.

Number 9, Cody said he felt most grateful for me in his life at the moment. That was super sweet! Number 13, “If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?” Cody answered that he would want to know what he could do to make sure I’m still around, and make sure he doesn’t do anything to lose me. That was part of his answer and it was really sweet.

Number 19, “If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?” Cody answered that if he knew he was going to die in a year he would want to ask me to marry him before he dies and also give me a kid that way when he was gone I’d still have a part of him in a way. Jesus Fucking Hell. That was the most holy hell answer. Like holy hell, I am still in shock just thinking about that answer.

I feel so…cared about. So loved. It’s strange. A good strange. We both had the same answer for number 26, “Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “ We both said everything with.

Number 33 was challenging for me. “If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?”

I answered that  part of me wants to make amends with those who I haven’t had the best interactions with over the past couple months. I’d want to tell my family how much I love and care about them. Also, I would want to tell Cody everything. Everything about how I feel, about my fears, and just everything. As to why I haven’t told Cody all of my insecurities or fears? Well, fear of rejection. Fear of letting him down, etc.

I have to say that though Cody already loves me, and I am falling, this questionnaire definitely made me open up more, it made me feel more strongly towards Cody. I really did open up to Cody last night. I told him how he has given me hope for a normal future again. I told him that he inspires me to be more open. He makes me feel again. Though I do feel, I do get detached, but the important part is that I am feeling. I also told him I’m starting to actually believe he loves me.

I wanted to say those three words, eight letters to him, but I wasn’t ready. When I say it I want to make sure I really mean it. I also want to say it in a nice setting or something. I mean, in all honesty I almost have told him twice now because I am so used to when people say goodbye, when they say “I love you” I am used to saying it back. But last night I tried whispering those words a loud to see what it felt like, once Cody was asleep. It was scary to even whisper them. I am not used to saying “I love you” unless it’s to a family member. Even this morning when Cody left and he said I love you, I really wished I could say it back. I wanted to say it back, but again, I want to make sure I mean it and I want it to be special when I am ready to say it.

I think my worst fear is that I am too damaged to love. I know how crazy that might sound, but I am scared that I am too broken to let myself be that vulnerable. I really want to though. I want to be able to get over my mental blocks and be able to give myself fully to Cody. I honestly think it’s all mental at this point. I am trying my best to not hold back, and I am doing much better at not holding back, especially these past couple days. But, I think what happens is that every time I feel more, I start to hold back  again until I am used to that level of feeling, in which I let myself go, until I start to have stronger feelings and then the cycle repeats itself.

I know this is a long post, but I process things through writing and talking. I haven’t told anyone that Cody has said those three words, eight letters to me. I’m scared that if I tell someone that it will go away or something. I know how irrational that might seem, but I just have those stupid fears. Trust me I want to tell someone, like a friend, but I don’t want them to burst my happy bubble and say ” how can he love you? You’ve known him for three weeks!” or something along those lines. I really do want to talk to someone about this though because I need to process this with someone. I need to talk with one of my girl friends and see their thoughts and have their advice on how to get over my mental blocks.

I long for the day when I feel secure enough to let myself fully go and be able to feel what I know is possible. Those questions definitely leveled up my feelings, for sure. I know that much. That’s why I think I’m starting to put my mental block back on, because to me I’m feeling too much and that scares me.

I just hope I can get over that mental block soon…

XOXO Anna

Love and Blasts From The Past

Last night I was at Cody’s while he played his online games with his friends while I blogged and watched Dexter video’s. I really enjoyed that, just being in the same room even if we are doing different things. It was nice. After he gamed I talked to him. I told him my fears and he said he wasn’t going to just up and leave because of the emotions and be like “nope can’t handle this. Bye.” He said if anything was ever bothering him he would discuss it with me. That sounded really mature. I’ve always been the one in the relationship telling the guy that if anything ever comes up that we talk about it and talk it through and figure out the problem together or compromise of whatever has to be done for the given conversation/situation.

Then Cody was telling me that he hasn’t felt this way for a girl in a long time. He said he really wants to see what comes of this. He said, and I quote, “I think I could see myself falling in love with you. But that takes time.” Like fuck. If you’ve been one of my readers for a while, then you know my thoughts on love and relationships. Though they change sometimes the whole concept of falling in love….well…. Fuck. Love At First Sight is my parents love story and I think that’s one of the only reasons I believe love exists. This is why I swore to myself I’d never love again. It’s a short story I wrote for one of my classes and it basically tells the experience of Monster raping me. When I had to do my monologue for acting, there was also the issue with “I love you”.

I swore that I had posted about my feelings and thoughts on love before but I went through my blog posts and couldn’t find one. I guess I can explain now. I’ve only ever fell in love with two guys. Ethan and Monster. After Ethan and our talk about love I swore I’d never tell a guy I loved him unless the guy said it first. Then I fell in love with Monster. He raped me. I swore I’d never fall in love again, and I know I have no control over that but after Monster telling myself that made me feel more in control. So I always associated love- romantic love- with negativity. I mean, I know from watching my parents what real love is supposed to look like and obviously my experiences were way shitty. I know that I am capable of loving and of being loved one day…

I’ve found that Cody reminds me of the best parts of Ethan. See, last night when I was at Cody’s we just fell asleep together. No sexual stuff. I really loved that. I haven’t had that since Ethan. That’s what I mean when I say Cody reminds me of the best parts of Ethan. Before Peter sexually assaulted me Ethan and I had a pretty decent relationship you could say. Ethan of course had his faults, faults that honestly I knew meant that the relationship wouldn’t last, but there were good memories too. Ethan was the first guy who taught me that I was more than just a sexual object. After Ethan…I was treated only like a sexual object. And now that I’ve met Cody, I feel like I’m treated like a human again. I just am happy…I haven’t been this happy with someone since Ethan. So I am just glad I met someone who treats me with dignity and respect. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Surely most people are used to being treated nicely, with respect, and dignity, but for me it feels like a gift. I feel like every time Cody is nice to me it’s like christmas day when I open a present. I’m sure that is kind of sad in a way, but until I get used to being treated nicely, that’s what it feels like. A gift.

Also! This morning Cody let me keep his shirt to wear!! Super happy about that. I love it when I can like keep or wear my boyfriends things. It makes me feel close to them or safe. But yeah… just a good start to the day 🙂

XOXO Anna

Amazing Sex and Detachment

Yesterday Serena and I hung out for the first time in a bit and we are good. She apologized for her comments but still says I didn’t wait long enough to get in a relationship. I swear she thinks the answer to my problems is to ban guys from my life. That solves nothing. So we hung out and drank some at the bar.

I was having my second drink at the bar and there was this guy was staring at me. I looked away because I was uncomfortable. I look back again and he is still like checking me out. I was seriously not okay with that. Plus I was wearing what I call casual clothes or shit clothes. But Serena said my tank top makes my boobs look good so whatever. Anyways luckily after a while he and his friend left the bar. Like I just genuinely got the creep vibe from him. Like later on in the bar Serena and I talked to some guys and yeah they seemed like assholes, but this guy was watching me down my drinks and for some reason I just got that predator vibe…. totally made me wish I didn’t go to the bar.

Anyways so Serena and I are invited to sit with these guys and they all went to high school with Serena so we sat down and talked. There was this one guy and he seemed like an asshole but he kept talking to me. I personally felt uncomfortable sitting at a table with three guys that I didn’t know in a bar when I was drunk. Especially because two of them sat on each side so I felt trapped. I hate it when I feel trapped. I kinda gave Serena a look that told her I wasn’t okay with this so we left and went to the coffee shop. Cody was there when we walked in and he came over and I think he said I was cute when I was drunk lol.

Serena was taking pics of us and she actually got a cute one of us kissing. So Cody, Serena and I all went back to that bar. Cody wasn’t happy when I told him about that one guy who was talking to me because apparently there’s a bad past there… so yeah. But we went back to the bar. Cody got a drink or two and Serena’s boyfriend met up with us.

We eventually parted ways, and Cody and I went back to my house. He wanted to make sure I was sober before we did anything which was really nice and kind of mandatory. Like I wouldn’t want to do anything if I wasn’t sober. So we made out until I sobered up and then we had sex. Really good sex. Why was it so good? Because I stayed present the entire time. I didn’t have any overwhelming emotions come up, I didn’t have flashbacks, I didn’t have images flash in my head. I was totally present! Like jesus that’s rare. I think that’s only happened once before. But yeah so the sex was good, lasted longer, and I just felt comfortable. It’s strange to say that though. I just wasn’t so worried or caught up in my head about body image issues or any of the PTSD stuff. It was enjoyable and I guess sex is supposed to be enjoyable.

So later on we talked a bit and Cody said like the sweetest things. He said and I quote: “Sex with you isn’t just sex to me, it’s more romantic than that. When I pull you close it’s because it feels so nice to hold you, it’s the mix of that and the pleasure of sex that makes it so romantic.”

Super sweet! Like that makes me feel better about sex hearing that. Like before when I’ve had sex it never felt romantic per se. It always felt lustful, aggressive, or just that they’re horny and they needed to get off… so not really romantic at all. So yeah… but Cody saying that made me feel more comfortable with the idea of having sex and having it not just be ….meaningless(?) or empty(?).

Then this morning I thanked Cody again for being so nice to me and he said that he is just a nice person, but that he’s never been this nice to a person. Like, he said he is so nice to me and he does it to make me happy and doesn’t expect anything in return. Like fucking hell how sweet is that? But I want to make sure he is happy too. He also says I’m amazing and I honestly am so confused because I don’t know what I did or said. He said it was me being me. Well, that’s nice.

After I dropped Cody off at his house I had EMDR about Owen. This session I didn’t cry. Emotions for sure came up. Like so many memories…. Last session it wasn’t all Owen memories. Lots of other people came into it. But today it was mainly all Owen and me memories…. it sucked but again is the process and is needed. It was sad though. I realized a lot in therapy today.

Ever since Peter, Monster, and Owen I’ve definitely changed personality wise. Trauma can do that. I used to never be impulsive and there are times when I am super impulsive. The concept of living came up in the EMDR today. Feeling alive. What I do to feel something, anything. There are days when I feel normal, and attached and present. Then there are days like today when I feel detached. Cold. Empty. After Peter sexually assaulted me my freshman year I started drinking…and partying…a lot. Over the summer before my sophomore year I didn’t care who I hurt or what I did. I was so numb and detached it scared me.

After Monster I started drinking a bit again. After Owen I stayed pretty strong and didn’t drink. But after each assault I coped a bit by identifying with my assaulter. After Peter, I thought of relationships in the same way he thought of them. After Monster I wanted to be cold, detached, sociopathic. After Owen, I want(ed) to drive fast. I still do. I long for that adrenaline rush that I would have when we drove over 100 mph in his car. Of course I look back to how fucking reckless I was after Eric and can’t believe that I didn’t get myself into more trouble than just Owen.

So EMDR today brought up the fact that I need more stimulation at times to feel alive and excited. Back in high school things I did to feel alive were things like being on stage in a play or being on stage singing, playing sports, bowling, etc. Post assaults I party, drink, cut, drive recklessly, and test the limits to feel alive. It’s not healthy and I don’t do much of that anymore. But last night when I was drinking, let me fucking tell you, I had that feeling of being alive. I was excited and nervous. Testing myself. Not sure why…maybe because I knew I would have to deal with the EMDR today and just wanted to pretend things were okay.

But for most of today I’ve felt detached since the EMDR session this morning. I mean, there have been some moments today where I was good, but I keep going back and forth between being attached and grounded to being detached and not there. I think it’s a defense mechanism. I mean, I’ve gone through all this before and it was hard and I know it’s hard now and I know I have to do it. But the days when I do EMDR I hate how off I can feel. Luckily my sister and I are on good terms and earlier today we were laughing like we always do. That was nice. She usually is good at keeping me grounded.

I also went to get blood drawn and an EKG today. That was obnoxious. I hate getting my blood drawn. Damn anorexia!

But I am finally home, having coffee and about to eat. Not sure what the rest of the day has in store for me, but I am just glad all the doctor stuff is over. Hopefully I’ll actually do something fun today!

XOXO Anna

Betrayal

So I went on Facebook, just to see what all my old friends have been up to. I saw a post from Peter, the guy who sexually assaulted me in freshman year. Also got notified by instagram that he made one and to follow him. Bleh! So I check Peter’s page, and I see the mutual friends tab, saying we have mutual friends. I knew we did because he went to my school and was in performing arts with some people I knew. I click on it and find that Eric is friends with him.

Like what?! Why?! How can he be so indecent as to friend someone who sexually assaulted me. Eric was the one who told me I should report it back in freshman year after he read my statement. So what the hell happened? I think I posted about how Eric and his roommate dragged Ethan to a club where Peter DJ’s at and Ethan got drunk because of how pissed he was and how he wanted to beat Peter up for what he did to me. Of course, Ethan being the guy he is would never act violently, but he wanted to punch him that night when he was drunk he told me. Eric has become the biggest douche.

Seriously how can people change so dramatically? I am at a loss…

XOXO Anna

Finding Treatment

So I totally broke down two nights ago about, well, everything that’s happened. Mom and dad finally got their asses in gear about finding me a treatment for PTSD. I am apparently limited to this one treatment place because I live in a part of the state where people are rich and they don’t accept insurance! So fuck me. Seriously it’s a bitch when you go looking around and they are like, “Well , first session is $900 but then each session after is $500.” Yeah…. bitch, not everyone is filthy rich.

I laugh at doctors who fucking cost that much because who the fuck are you helping? Only the rich! What about the people who are comfortable or less than comfortable or who really can’t afford as much? What about everyone else? Doctors say they want to heal but when they cost $900 for a first session I just say that’s bull.

I am angry if you couldn’t tell. I don’t necessarily want to go to the treatment place I went to yesterday or a first session. This place was better since it only cost $150 for a first session but they don’t fucking take insurance. And my session sucked. I hated it. I wanted to fucking yell at the therapist person.

I get it, get a history. So I told her about Owen, and Monster, and Peter. So we spend most of the session talking about Peter. Peter! Peter from freshman year. Like wouldn’t she want to know about Owen more? I’ve already done EMDR with Peter, I’ve overcome that sexual assault. The only thing that I didn’t overcome with that was the fact I was in a relationship with Ethan at the time. That’s the only part I still need to work on.

This place believes in detail. Saying something like, “He went down on me” isn’t satisfactory. She would correct me by saying the body parts and what the body parts were doing. The detail she asked for was absurd! It was three years ago, I don’t remember in such detail, plus the fact that I was high as hell and drunk as fuck for the first time in my life.

She just made me SO uncomfortable about it all. Like ask me about Peter? I can tell you certain memories from that night, the way I am fine telling it. That’s fine. I’ll tell you. I’ll be a bit embarrassed about it because its intimate details, but I’ll tell you because you’re my therapist.

Also you would think that a therapist would respect boundaries, and see that their patient is uncomfortable. You would think that a victim of rape who had no control then, would get some control in the fucking therapy room. But no… guess not!

I just had to vent about this because I for one think it was the worst therapy session of my entire fucking life. And what’s the difference between this place that costs $125 a session versus my therapist down the road from me that takes insurance and the co-pay is $15? Seriously? My therapist that takes insurance does EMDR so she knows trauma. So seriously?

I just have so many questions that aren’t or haven’t been answered. It’s been three weeks since I’ve gotten home from school and we are just now looking into treatment. It also seems that this stupid place that doesn’t take insurance is my only option because of the fact that I don’t think my insurance plan includes out of state, and that everything around us is absurdly expensive with no coverage.

Do doctors want for people to get better? Do they want to help? Then take insurance or lower your fucking price! By doing those things you cut out so many people who need the help. It just infuriates me because I know if I’m struggling with this, I can just imagine how many other families struggle with this.

XOXO Anna

Therapy

I’m going back to the therapist who got me through Peter and started working on Monster with me. I’ve got an appointment in an hour and I’m really nervous. I really like my therapist, I do, but part of me feels embarrassed or like a disappointment because I got raped again. I just wish I didn’t have to go back and say, “Hey, so Eric and I broke up. He ended up being a huge douche! Ethan and I almost lost our friendship, and I got raped again.” Like that just sucks.

But I can’t move forward if I don’t talk about it. I can’t move forward if I avoid it. Every time I see a Subaru I get really angry. Owen has two Subaru sports cars. One blue, which was the one he drove me around in a lot. He then was working on his silver one when things went bad between us.

I guess just take one day at a time.

XOXO Anna

Had a bad night

Last night I decided to watch two movies. One, too embarrassing to admit, and the other, To Write Love On Her Arms. Well, as you can guess it was kind of triggering. I mean, great movie, but I was crying through out the movie. It definitely gave me urges to self-harm but at the end it passed. But lots of Owen things came up last night.

I am honestly humiliated about it. Still. I am still utterly humiliated and ashamed of what Owen did. With Monster, it’s been so long that I’ve accepted it. Same with Peter. Owen is still very fresh. I just feel shitty most of the time. I am scared to socialize and be normal. I’m afraid of a guy hitting on me.

All that makes me mad. Very mad. With therapy, time and treatment I’ll heal, but damn, it’s going to be one painful recovery.

XOXO Anna

Had the craziest last day…

So after my preproduction class, I am heading to my evening class, and guess who I am driving behind? None other than Owen! It was so bad. Painful. Terrifying. I almost had a heart attack! I couldn’t believe it.

Then I head to class, all ready to have a PTSD breakdown so I call my sister and text Quick Silver. They each had their way of calming me down enough to give my final presentation.

After class I head back to my apartment, and park and am ready to break down in my car, when a freaking spider comes down in front of my face on his string and I almost scream. I swing my door open. I try to kill it by stomping on it on my seat, but when I lift my foot, it isn’t dead and gets away. I’m like, “Fuck This!” and I grab my shit and go to my apartment and break down in my room.

While breaking down and calling my sister I get a text from Ethan saying he can head over, so I say yes, and I try to pull myself together.

Ethan and I made up!

That’s all I can say. Yes the whole Monster thing was left unspoken about, and I won’t mention it really because Ethan needs time to accept it.

But I told him about Owen and he was supportive and understanding. So I was very thankful about that.

Also a bitch moment on Eric’s part, Eric invited Ethan to go to the bars the other week to go see Peter DJ. Peter, the guy who sexually assaulted me while Ethan and I were together! Ethan went, drank, and started talking about all the things he wanted to do to Peter, and Eric and his roommate got Ethan out of there.

Seriously Eric does have issues! He always has to create chaos. Like, Eric knows what Peter did to me, he was there in the aftermath, and he knows how Peter affected Ethan. Seriously Eric is FUCKED UP.

There were great moments tonight between Ethan and I. We had our classic moments. I really missed those. And of course Ethan would fuck up our goodbye.

I said, “Bitch. I love you.” Ethan replies, “me too.”

I was like, “Are you fucking kidding me? You fucked that up big time! You said, ‘me too’? Really? Jeez! I was thinking about that moment in dexter where deb says I love you to dex and he says I love you back and how excited she gets.”

“Well, knowing me of course I would fuck this up,” Ethan joked.

“Let’s try this again,” I laugh.

“Love you,” Ethan says, and hugs me. I reply, “I love you.”

So this was a crazy day, but it ended well.

XOXO Anna

Fifty Shades Of Grey…more like Fifty Shades Of Abuse

Everyone has been talking about this. They were raging about the movie. I wanted to know what all the hype was about.

I remember in high school a friend told me about these books and how great they were. I finally read the first book in my freshman year of college, right after Peter sexually assaulted me. I remember going through the book highlighting things that Peter did/said to me. I highlighted similar behavior/dynamics. I grabbed the second book in my sophomore year and started doing the same, but the book honestly was boring me and it wasn’t good. Nor was the first, but I was really curious about Christian’s backstory. I finally watched the movie tonight because every article I read is talking about how it’s depicting abuse and glamorizing it. I’m sure lots of people will have different things to say on this topic, but I’m going to say what it was like for me to watch that movie. First off, if you have been sexually assaulted, raped, in an abusive relationship, I caution you. Please be in a good state of mind if you decide to watch it, it can be highly triggering. For me, the first half of the movie didn’t seem too abusive. Yes, Christian was being stalkerish and controlling but I didn’t think it was too bad. Then there was the spanking scene, and then it spiraled down from there. The second half of the movie definitely was triggering for me, though during the whole movie, the dynamic between Christian and Ana was very triggering for me because of my past relationship dynamics. It was so strange to watch a movie and say to myself, “I can relate to this. I was that naive girl once. I remember when I used to think that way. I remember thinking to myself it wasn’t bad or abusive.” I can honestly say, that I just finished the movie maybe fifteen minutes ago and I still feel sick to my stomach. I feel gross, violated, and I feel like I need a friend here to just hug me and tell me everything’s okay. I kind of figured the movie could be triggering, but I wanted to know why people were getting so angry over this film and now I can relate to their thoughts and opinions. It’s true that Christian Grey is manipulative, abusive, and controlling. It is also true that Christian Grey is hurt, alone, ashamed, and scared. What’s really sad, is that this film and book series tells society that victims of abuse turn into manipulative people, and that what is happening in this film/book series is romance and a love story. That kind of makes me shudder and not want to date anyone if that’s what people think romance is. Can someone tell me how what the movie/books portray is romantic?

What are your thoughts on Fifty Shades Of Grey? I’d actually like to hear thoughts and opinions. XOXO Anna

My Journey Thus Far… (summary)

I have had so many memories at my current college. Good and bad. Happy and sad. Exciting and boring.

First going off to college I was a nervous wreck. I couldn’t eat for the first month, and not because of the eating disorder. It was simply because I was so nervous that I felt like I was going to be sick if I tried to really actually eat. My freshman year I had my roommate who was also my best friend leave second quarter. I had to move into a new room with new roommates and they didn’t really like me. It sucked. But I met Ethan and we got together and I spent a lot of time with him.

We had so many good memories. I got Ethan into my friend group. We played soccer, and had 4 AM philosophical talks. We went to movies, and I met Ethan’s group of friends too. Everything was pretty great. I mean, it was both of our first relationships, so there were all those awkward moments of not knowing what to do. Then I got sexually assaulted by my classmate Peter. My anorexia got bad after that, and so did my relationship with Ethan.

Ethan and I broke up at the end of freshman year. It was really hard on me. He was my first love, the person I would remember for my life. The person I would inevitably compare every other guy to. He set a lot of the standards I have. If I see a guy, and he does not live up to the positive qualities I admired in Ethan, then I get a bit turned off. But if the guy has the qualities that Ethan lacked, that I needed, then it gives them brownie points.

It’s true, there is a difference between the right love and a great love. Ethan was not the right love but a great one. He was and forever will be in my thoughts. When I think of love, I will think back to those moments. I still do think back to the moments when I knew I loved Ethan to figure out if I love another guy. I am still looking for that right love, and it will come with time. Monster was the second guy and last guy I’ve fallen in love with. I never told Monster I fell in love with him, but I felt safe saying I did here.

Chuck said it best. The world really is a screwed up place. Monster ended up raping me. That act shattered my world and sense of trust. For a while I doubted even Ethan and Eric, who were my best friends at the time. It took me months to admit what happened to me. I didn’t want to think of Monster in that way, because I loved him. In hindsight, he has made me a stronger person. I personally believe everything happens for a reason, and you can learn something from every experience you encounter if you are open to learning.

After Monster and going into treatment for my eating disorder in the winter of my sophomore year of college, I was very cynical and jaded towards love and men in general. I felt disgusted and fear every time I saw a man. In fact, after I admitted to myself that Monster raped me, I was suicidal. It was the only time I was actually going to go take pills to end it all before Ethan skyped me, essentially saving me. It took me a long time to have any sort of crush on a guy. But I did! While in treatment, I went to Barnes & Noble often because I felt safe there and comforted. There was this barista who worked the Starbucks in the shop. He was the first guy I found attractive and talked to often after the rape.

When I got back for my spring quarter after treatment I was doing a lot better. I actually ended up getting a christian boyfriend. We will call him Captain America. He was sweet and innocent and exactly what I needed. He learned a lot from me and we had a really sweet time together. Though when summer came we fell a part and broke up. It hit me hard and I went back to treatment for my anorexia because I started to stop eating again.

Eric and I started hanging out right as I got into treatment. It was hard to be back in treatment. I wasn’t happy about it. Eric helped me though, and we started to fool around and became girlfriend and boyfriend. Eric was safe, someone secure. He and I were so close before we got together and when we were together it was the best. It was definitely the healthiest relationship I had been in up to that point. That is until I decided to report Monster. Our relationship began to falter during that and coming back to school for our junior year. We broke up and he never really spoke to me again.

Losing Eric as a friend killed me. I didn’t truly care about the breakup, yeah it hurt, but not as much as him dumping me as a friend. Nothing compares to the pain of losing your best friend, someone you considered family. Ethan also wasn’t much help during this period because this is when he asked me if Monster really raped me, creating a fissure in our friendship. Though before Eric stopped talking to me he did get me to go to AA which saved me.

After losing my two best friends things were pretty rough. I couldn’t understand why Eric and Ethan abandoned me. It killed me. And losing them meant I lost all my other friends. I was completely alone for a while. I did meet Owen, and we dated. I also met Quick Silver and Andy that quarter and we became friends too. Though, Andy and I ended up sleeping together one night when I got a concussion at a punk concert.

I had no one to talk to that quarter besides therapists. I think I called my sister almost every day that quarter. I however devoted myself to my work. I did everything I could to stay busy and forget that I was in the middle of an investigation and that I’d lost my two best friends.

That quarter in the end, I did know how to be alone and enjoy it. I had movie nights with myself, or stayed in and read a good book. I wrote in my journal, I wrote on this blog. I did whatever I could to keep my head above the water and be okay.

After losing Eric, my sense of trust had vanished. Knowing Quick Silver and Andy and hanging out with them didn’t make me trust them at all. Being with Owen and dating him, I didn’t truly trust him, hence why I didn’t get in a relationship with him. I wasn’t ready at that point in time. Winter break came and I didn’t really talk to anyone from school. I didn’t text Owen much, trying to give him space, plus he said we were just friends before I left…So I went out with this guy Shaggy and that was a whole mess of a mistake! 

It really did feel as though I couldn’t do anything right. I couldn’t get romance right. I couldn’t get a job. I couldn’t really socialize over break. All I did was write and become introverted and more cynical and detached.

Before winter break happened, at the end of fall quarter Ethan got in a relationship. That was hard. I had met his girlfriend and to be honest I wasn’t a fan. Not because she was his object of desire, but I just didn’t like her personality and didn’t see them lasting. But during winter quarter it was hard knowing that Ethan had lost his virginity to her. Did he love her? Did he not love me? Those were the questions going in my head. He had rejected me for sex when we were together and that confused me to no end while we were together.

Truth be told I missed Ethan and Eric during this winter quarter. It was hard as hell. But Quick Silver and Andy were amazing. Owen raped me at the beginning of this quarter and I haven’t been the same since. I was and sometimes am suicidal. I breakdown all the time. I am scared all the time. I began to isolate. But Quick Silver and Andy were there through it all, not giving up on me, and showing me they care about me and would do what it takes to keep me alive in those dark times. Quick Silver once stayed the night to make sure I was going to be okay. That is true and real friendship and dedication. Quick Silver even got me to delete Eric and Ethan from my life.

Though, it’s hard to truly delete someone from your life these days with social media. To this day social media has kept me connected to Ethan and Eric. Part of me is wondering about just deleting them from EVERYTHING- including Facebook.

It’s truly sad to think that at the beginning of this quarter I tried talking to Ethan to repair our friendship yet he still remained indifferent. But he is living in denial. Denial that his friend could rape someone. Ethan isn’t ready to see the truth and admit it happened and that people you know are capable of doing such things. Ethan and I can never be friends until he can admit to himself this stuff.

I started watching Onision video’s again, some of my favorites when my eating started to get bad again or I felt like no one would understand or be compassionate when I would tell them I was raped again. But Quick Silver, Andy and Ramone were great. Quick Silver got me through the first week after it happened and Ramone went with me to report it.

 It was extremely hard for me to ask for Quick Silver and Andy’s help through out this winter quarter. I felt like such a burden every time I broke down. It was so hard for me to reach out and admit I needed help and support. But I did, and I am thankful because in doing so, I learned that Quick Silver and Andy really are my friends. There was even a moment when I broke down, and Quick Silver was holding me, I swear he was going to kiss me. It was the strangest feeling ever, of course it didn’t happen.

Sometimes being a good friend means putting emotions aside and being tough. My suicidal friend, who we will call Richard, is stubborn. When I went over that first night I had to yell at him and give him the tough reality of his situation about being dependent upon drugs and alcohol to keep him happy.

I guess the rest I have to say can be expressed in these gifs regarding leaving and heading on to my new adventure.

To Ethan:

To Eric:

To Andy:

To Quick Silver:

I am personally super excited and nervous for the next chapter in my life. I plan to really take advantage of this new start. I can’t wait to go to a new school and learn what I’m passionate about. I can’t wait to live it up without worrying about my safety. I can’t wait to just be free to be me without knowing people see me in a certain way and expect me to act that way.

To the future!                                                          

XOXO Anna

Quick Silver to the rescue again!

Well, when I was breaking down over Owen who did I call after talking to my sister, who wasn’t being the most helpful? I texted Quick Silver. I told him what happened and he said, “come over.”

I thank the gods I met Quick Silver. He really is a good friend. I feel very thankful that Quick Silver was able to help me last week with the whole Ethan and Ramone situation, and even more grateful that he was able to help me tonight. I know it’s 3:30 in the morning… I just got back from talking with him.

We covered numerous topics. We talked about Owen a lot and the situation. He believes I did the right thing, and that I did nothing wrong. He believes Owen was in the wrong for starting to have sex with me the other night, when I specifically said I didn’t want to have sex unless the guy was my boyfriend. Quick Silver made certain things clear, and easier to deal with.

I even got into some really personal things I wasn’t sure I would talk about. I, again talked about Ethan and the whole deal with him not believing me. I talked about Monster and the rape. I talked about Peter and the sexual assault a little bit. I even talked about the night that I admitted to myself that Monster raped me, and told Quick Silver that that night I was suicidal. I haven’t really told many people that. The only people who know about that night are Ethan and Eric since they were on the other end of a Skype call. Those two saved me that night. I think Quick Silver is the first person I’ve told about that night…I didn’t even think I would go there, but again…Owen having sex with me, or starting to when I actually had the courage to voice that I didn’t want to really brought up a lot of shit.

Telling Owen the other night that I didn’t want to have sex with anyone unless they were my boyfriend was a huge thing for me, to say no. I haven’t really been able to do that, so Owen doing that really did upset me and make me lose trust in him.

Also once I calmed down after an hour or two I realized I hadn’t been that emotionally volatile since I started taking Latuda. I was going from sad and crying to really angry and talking quickly and all that shit. I was trying to gage whether or not I was a bit bipolar tonight in my reaction. I honestly, since having started taking Latuda, have had pretty stable moods for the most part. Though, I feel tonight, with everything that happened with Owen it triggered something. I mean, it’s 3 AM and I am tired but I’m still wide awake. Quick Silver said I was definitely swinging from one emotion and mood to another. I felt it too, and it was strange because I haven’t had that quick of mood changes in a while. So blah.

But seriously can we have a round of applause for Quick Silver? I really am glad he is my friend. He gave me hugs when I needed them, and held me when I cried. I haven’t had a friend who I could do that with since the end of the summer. I thanked Quick Silver so many times, and told him that I was glad he was my friend and stuff. It was funny because once all was good, he was like, “Would you mind driving me to McDonalds, I’m starving.” Of course I would! Jeez! He totally helped me through a real breakdown, the least I could do was drive him to get food. Quick Silver said he was shocked that I really broke down tonight and that I was less severe when talking about Ethan and Ramone last week.

A huge thanks to Quick Silver! And I really don’t want to have to get up in four hours to go to the doctors to get blood taken and I really don’t want to have to finish writing that essay, or go to my classes…Oh well….C’est la vie!

XOXO Anna

Day in the city!

Monday was one of the most fun days I’ve had in a long time. I knew that Andy was going to be in the city on Monday so I told him that I would probably meet up with him at some point. Well, it turned out that Shaggy’s train was delayed, so Andy met me at Grand Central and we just talked and caught up until Shaggy got there.

At first I was not sure about it all. Andy hugged me goodbye and Shaggy and I were left to figure out what we were going to do. Shaggy and I both hate the city, and were terrible at navigating the city. We ended up just walking out of Grand Central trying to find a place to eat. It was so cold, that we just went to a McDonald’s and ate there.

So we dat down at a table and I was incredible shy. Plus there was food involved so that made me even more nervous. Shaggy was a sweetheart. There’s just this vibe about him, like a sweet puppy dog. I don’t know how else to describe it, but it’s a nice change of pace for me. One thing I liked most was that Shaggy said that I was mysterious and he had a hard time reading me.

Let me tell you, that comment made me smile. I loved it! See, Eric always said I was super easy to read and that he knew me better than I knew myself. So for someone to tell me that they couldn’t read me made me super happy.

While sitting at McDonalds Shaggy was his usual emotional self- and I say that with the utmost happiness- and was expressing his feelings. I, on the other hand, sat there quietly smiling and listening, not sure what to say. I think I told him about my dog, that passed away, that came from an abused home and wasn’t used to such kind people when he came home with us and it took him a while to warm up. I told Shaggy that’s why I was being more on the reserved side, because let’s be honest, my past relationships- romantic or not- have not been the healthiest or good.

After McDonald’s we went back to Grand Central and tried to figure out the subway system. We eventually got to the Met. Now, I for one hate museums, but it was freaking freezing, so I rather be in a museum than outside where I couldn’t feel my legs.

Walking around the museum Shaggy and I talked. We got along, and I stayed on the reserved side, while Shaggy still expressed his feelings. The whole time all I could think about was, what if I took the chance to be with him. Shaggy asked to be with me, but I said he had no idea what he was asking for.

After the Met we tried to find a Starbucks to sit in, but it was packed, so we went back to Grand Central, and sat int he dining concourse and talked.

Shaggy asked me to be his girlfriend, for like the third time now. I sat there, shocked that he still was asking. I don’t remember how we ended up talking about this but I think I mentioned PTSD and all the issues, and he told me his experiences with friends and such. Let’s just say after him opening up about things he has witnessed and gone through, it made me more comfortable. It made me comfortable enough to open up more. And he asked again if I would be his girlfriend. I told him about my most recent experience and how I was scared to take that leap of faith.

In the end I said yes. I am not one to make impulsive decisions, but I just couldn’t say no. Yes, I feel crazy about it, but my gut is telling me that there’s something good here. Eric once told me that fear shouldn’t run my life. He told me he hoped that I wouldn’t let fear stop me from anything. So remembering that, I took the chance and agreed to be his girlfriend. I then talked about triggers and Shaggy said he wanted to know, so I told him about Peter, Ethan, and Monster.

I’m in a relationship. I’m excited, and terrified all at once. This is new, and utterly crazy, but then again, if you all knew my parents love story, mine isn’t as crazy. I might make a post about their love story because it’s just that amazing.

So here is to new beginnings, not letting the past control my future, and taking chances,

XOXO Anna