I’ve Been MIA

I know I’ve been MIA. I haven’t been on for many reasons. One being school, and the second reason I will reveal next week. School has been keeping me quite busy. I am writing a paper on Rape for my Psychology and Law class. I am writing about how rape is one of the most challenging crimes to prosecute in today’s society. I am very excited and passionate about my paper.

Through doing research and reading articles for my paper I feel much more informed than I was when I was sexually assaulted and then raped two times. I truly wish I had the knowledge I have now, so I could go back and make sure I didn’t shower, or wait too long to report. I also have gotten quite angry, thinking back to when I did report. I could tell the officer who was taking down my statement and interviewing me for Monster didn’t take anything I said seriously or thought I was lying. I hated that feeling. The worst part was weeks later when he called me to tell me the DA didn’t want to take my case, and that Monster said he didn’t rape me. As if my rapist saying he didn’t rape me equivalated his innocence. That officer took my rapist’s side. The second rape that I reported was for Owen. The initial report wasn’t with the officer who I would be getting a formal interview from, but the first officer wanted to take down as much information to pass along to the officer I would be meeting with. The officer I eventually met with seemed kind, sensitive, and understanding. I really had hope. This officer seemed to, at the beginning, want to investigate the case. Of course, once we did the recorded phone call, and Owen denied everything and attempted to gaslight me, the officer said he would call me with more information. He never called. I called, he said he didn’t have anything and that he would call me. Again, he never called back. Another officer lets me down. I only hope that my rapists don’t go on to rape other women. I hope my sexual assaulter, Peter, doesn’t go on to assault other women, though I would think that Peter would be. I regret not reporting Peter because I personally feel like he had done that before to other women and that I wasn’t the first.

The first part of my paper I am addressing the problems that make rape difficult to prosecute, such as different definitions in each state for rape and sexual assault, the fact that victims are the ones that are often questioned on their character rather than the suspect, and the lack of physical evidence in rape cases. The second half of the paper is on trying to offer solutions to the issues. I think rape should have a universal definition across the country, and sexual assault should have a universal definition across the country. There should be education at a younger age about rape. I think the first time rape was really talked about and explained was in college, possibly high school. When kids have sex-ed they should also learn about consent and rape. Then, police should be trained, or have a forensic psychologist or neuropsychologist present in interviews so that the psychologist can explain the victim’s behavior instead of the cops just assuming the victim is lying.

I’ve only gotten my introduction done so far, but next week is spring break and I will be working on the paper all week.

XOXO Anna

The Hunting Ground

I just watched the documentary The Hunting Ground on Netflix and it was amazing. As someone who has been sexually assaulted, and raped twice, it really hit home for me. Honestly watching the documentary was terrifying. Terrifying because of how rampant a problem it is, not that I didn’t know, but hearing their stories, and seeing how poorly College Universities handled it was sickening. It makes me not want my kids to go to a college one day, because I would hate for my kid to have the same fate as me.

I went to the Savannah College of Art and Design in Savannah, Georgia and I somewhat reported what Peter did to me. I talked to a therapist who was extremely helpful to me through the situation, and when going to the person who handles reports, she explained to me what would happen if I ended up reporting through the school or through the police. I know that if you report through SCAD it protects them, and when if reporting to the police I believe they don’t reveal that the student went to SCAD because it’s a private college. Personally I think that’s stupid. I went to SCAD and yes, it was a SCAD senior at the time who sexually assaulted me, but it wasn’t on campus but at his apartment. I ended up not reporting Peter, as you know if you’ve read my blog.

I did end up reporting Monster, the boyfriend who raped me, a year after it happened. He went to GCSU (Georgia College and State University) in Milledgeville, GA. I remember reporting was not fun. The police officer was a man, and I could tell how skeptical he was of me reporting. He asked why I waited and I told him it was because I thought no one would support me, and at the time I didn’t have anyone who would come with me to do it. Milledgeville is a three hour drive from Savannah, so it’s a long trek to go alone, especially when I could have run into Monster… In the room was the officer, myself, and a person from the university who handles cases within the university. In the end the police didn’t convict. They said they didn’t have sufficient evidence. The school however said they were still looking into it. I remember, and still have, the letter I got from the school saying they didn’t find sufficient evidence. I do have to wonder if they talked to any of Monsters friends who were there that night who witnessed how drunk I was and the fact that I had a flashback and I couldn’t walk…

When I reported Owen to the Savannah Chatham County Police, that was a completely different experience. I remember going there with Ramone and the woman at the desk was very supportive as I was breaking down crying waiting to talk to an officer. Ramone explained to the desk officer why I was breaking down, because my parents told me not to report. The woman told me I was doing the right thing. Eventually we saw an officer and he took down my statement and said he would pass it onto the sexual assault officer and I eventually got a call from that officer a couple days later. He again took my statement and worked with me. We did a recorded phone call and of course Owen had known I reported and played as if nothing happened that night. The officer told me he would do what he could and still investigate after that. He called the Rape Crisis in Savannah since I was in a suicidal state after that phone call. I went to Andy’s apartment where Quick Silver was also at. That night was terrifying and sad. Andy and Quick Silver kept me from doing anything to myself and helped me through the night.

The officer lied to me, I believe. My police professor at the college I go to now told me that a recorded phone call, if the perp denies anything happened then the case is ended. So I was pissed to know that my officer gave me false hope. I wish he was straight with me and told me there was nothing else he could do.

I obviously am being more open about my experience with my assaults in this post, and that’s because I want to be. Before I was scared. I mean, why do you think my blog is anonymous. I fear the repercussions of standing up for myself against these men. I fear what people will think of me if they knew who I really was.

Cody, India, Ramone, Quick Silver, and Andy are the only ones who gave me the reaction I was hoping for after telling them. My sister obviously told me it wasn’t my fault. Cody said the same thing and cried with me and held me and told me he couldn’t believe anyone could do such terrible things to me and that he wished he could hurt them in my defense. Ramone was horrified when I told him and he took me to the station, gave me the courage and support I needed to be able to report. Quick Silver told me that Owen raped me and reporting was my choice. Andy got angry and was about to go defend my honor. No one had shown anger for me when I told them except for Andy and Cody. Most just blamed me or asked why I did what I did, or what could I have done differently, or was I sure it was rape. Those were people I thought were my friends.

For those who are reading this and have been through similar situations I am sorry. I wish that rape and assault could end and not exist. It is so prominent in our culture and it makes me angry. That is why I am posting and being open. This documentary made me so angry to see all these women and hear their stories and know how terribly the colleges handled it. If anyone ever needs to reach out or talk, I’m here to listen. Seriously, my email is on the side of my site, feel free to shoot me an email if you need someone to talk to. I know how crappy and terrible it is to go through such a scary experience. I know how scary PTSD can be. I’ve been through it and still sometimes suffer from it. But there is hope and recovery is possible. Also, I’ve written this before, but those of you have gone through this…you are not a victim but a survivor. It takes tremendous courage and strength to keep going after such a traumatic violation. Especially when people turn on you. So know that you are not alone and you are strong. I believe in all of you and know that you can get through this.

XOXO Anna

Tired and Want To Cry

I am so tired right now, I can’t focus, and I feel like I’m about to pass out. Luvas kept Cody and I up all night last night. We also moved into our apartment yesterday. Luvas was crying because he was in an unfamiliar place, and he was extremely cuddley and affectionate.

Also some stuff is going on with Cody. So if you’ve read my blog you know about his misstep or betrayal. Due to that, and wanting to rebuild trust and intimacy there are certain rules or understandings. If you read my post about his LARPing you will know some of those rules. So the other one is to tell me who he is hanging out with. There was this girl that was a friend of his friends. She friend requested him on Facebook. Cody and her barely know each other, besides in game(where they are characters) and so with my separation anxiety and Cody’s history I was annoyed that Cody didn’t tell me about this. More like hurt. If he had told me, there would have been no issues, I wouldn’t have thought too much of it, but it was the fact that I found out when checking his phone that was the trigger. It brought back all those memories from the past and feelings from the past. Our deal was total honesty and openness. Not omitting (which is a form of lying). I just …I can’t wrap my head around it. I think about it and make excuses for Cody to not have told me, but then I go back and realize there was no excuse. Then I’m hurt and mad.

Actions like these make me feel like I’m in this alone- that Cody doesn’t care to keep us moving forward from the misstep. And I’ve been making steps forward. The other week a porn thing came on with a show we watch and because of everything he usually turns his head away for those scenes, but this time he didn’t and I didn’t say anything. That was me trying to move past it but I eventually broke down and said I couldn’t handle it and needed more time. I also accepted he was going LARPing, which causes anxiety. Then the LARPing girl thing happened and it made me feel like I just was right to be worried.

If Cody didn’t have his history, if I was never with Monster who I really think was cheating on me during our long distance relationship, him going LARPing wouldn’t be an issue except for the missing him (which is normal). So yeah. I don’t know, I am so sleep deprived and cranky and upset right now. I can barely concentrate or think.

All I know is that I’ve shown Cody articles on how most couples rebuild trust and there are certain things we have done and moved on from, but then there are key things that Cody keeps tripping up on, meaning I start worrying and getting anxious again, and it’s like we are back to the beginning. Also Cody is the first person I’ve ever tried to rebuild trust with. I’ve never done this before. It’s incredibly challenging. In the past, before Cody, if someone fucked me over there was no going back from that. That person was either out of my life, or if they were in my life it was never the same. Ethan for example. If you’ve read my blog you will know that our friendship was forever changed when he asked if Monster really raped me. After that we were never as close. It was because only one of us cared. I cared and wanted to have that friendship, but Ethan obviously didn’t care. So I want to know Cody cares, and if he does he will follow through with that we decided on. That is very important. Keeping his word is key to healing. It builds trust and assurance and a sense of reliability.

Cody and I have been talking on the phone and I haven’t eaten at all today but he helped me distinguish that Ed was the one who didn’t want me to eat, and that I did want to eat. So I am happy he helped me with that. See, that, that act showed me he cares. That changed my mood by a lot. Even Cody being at our apartment right now to check on Luvas means something. Knowing that he is actually moving Luvas’s water and food into our bedroom and Luvas’s litter is something that makes me happy. I know it’s small and simple but it means everything. It shows me that Cody cares. He didn’t have to go home to check on Luvas during his lunch break, but I asked Cody to, and he did it. That is him keeping his word. That is an action that makes me feel like I can trust him. If he keeps that kind of stuff up we will be fine.

But I am hungry and I’m guna go get food.

XOXO Anna

 

The Story with Peter

I never really have talked about Peter on here. I’ve mentioned him sometimes, but never really talked about what happened to me. He is why my life took an unimaginable turn. I never thought that anything bad could really happen to me, not like sexual assault. When I went off to college I was optimistic and hopeful. I thought I would maybe finally get a boyfriend and enjoy my classes. I never imagined that the happy, innocent, good girl I was would be taken away from me. I will never be able to get that girl back, and that’s okay. I’ve improved over the past three years. I’ve also changed in many ways that I have wanted to.

I’ve written about Monster and Owen, but not about Peter. I think it’s because I have the most shame and guilt surrounding him. I have tried to tell Cody about what Peter did and what happened, but Cody stops me before I get five minutes into it because he can’t hear it. It hurts him too much to think that Peter assaulted me from midnight until eight in the morning. I have wanted to talk about Peter and what happened for a while now, but never had the courage. I don’t blame Cody for not being able to hear my story, but I would still like to tell it, and this is the only way I know how.

So warning, this could be triggering. If you’re not comfortable hearing this, then stop reading. If you’re okay with reading about this, then continue.

February 26th, 2013

That day I went to Intro to Dramatic Writing. I talked to Peter about the movies that were on his computer and how I hadn’t seen any of them. He said I could come over to his place that night to watch them. He also said there would probably be weed and alcohol. I thanked him for the warning and said it would be fine.

I went back to the dorms and asked Ethan if I could go. It was our one month anniversary, and I really hoped that he would say no and want to spend time with me. He had work to do though, like always, and said that I could go as long as Peter knew I had a boyfriend. I texted Peter and told him, and he said, no problem because he had a girlfriend.

Peter was an hour late. I had been hanging out in Ethan’s room until Peter got there. I remember Ethan thinking it was douchey of him to be late. I remember my stomach growling as I walked to Peter’s car. I hadn’t really eaten that day. When I get to the car there’s another guy in there. It’s Peter’s roommate. I sit in the back seat in the middle. I remember not knowing where we were driving because it was dark and I didn’t know the town well.

We got to Peter’s apartment. He set up the movie on the TV and his roommate gets the weed ready to smoke. His roommate takes a hit, and passes it to Peter. Peter takes a hit and passes it to me. I didn’t know what to do, so Peter instructed me. I didn’t get much of the hit I tried. Peter lit the lighter the second time, and he told me to inhale, inhale, hold, hold, hold…and breathe. I got a real big hit off that. I was never one to relax. I didn’t really feel the affects during the first movie we watched which was Rise of the Guardians. Near the end Peter helped me take another hit. I was feeling the affects near the end of the movie. A friend of theirs came over at the end of that movie. I can’t remember his name, but if I saw him I would recognize him. They put on The Hobbit. I was so high I couldn’t really pay attention to the movie. Alcohol was mentioned, and they were out. I got excited about that. I wanted some alcohol, I wanted to feel cool. Peter started getting ready to go out. I sat there, and Peter asked, “Well aren’t you going to put on your boots?” I put them on and we headed to the car.

We stopped for gas at Parkers gas station on MLK. We then went to Parker’s Market on Drayton to get the alcohol. We stopped. We passed a police officer I remember, because I knew we were high and it was illegal, and that made me nervous as we walked in the store. We browsed, and Peter was looking around at the beer and asked what I liked. I told him I hadn’t drank anything except for Budlight at a senior high school party. Peter got Miller’s lite for me, and I can’t remember what he got for himself, but it was stronger. I mentioned I was hungry and Peter said I could grab something if I wanted. I grabbed Nacho Dorito’s. Peter paid, and I carried the bag to the car.

I opened the Dorito’s and Peter took some and we drove back to his place. The friend was gone, The Hobbit still playing, and the roommate saying he was going to bed because he had an 8 AM. I also had an 8 AM and it was midnight. I knew I wasn’t going to be going to that class. So we put on Hotel Transylvania and I tried Peter’s beer and decided to go with the Miller Lite. Maybe we took another hit, I can’t remember. But I finished one beer and so did Peter. He got up for another, I asked for another. I was sitting on a couch and didn’t know I was already drunk. I drank the second and so did Peter. He got another, and we split it.

Some how relationships were mentioned. I told Peter that Ethan was my first relationship and I had no idea what I was doing or if I was doing anything right. Peter asked me further about it and I told him Ethan never wanted to do anything and Peter couldn’t believe that. He told me I was pretty, and cute, and sexy. I had never been told that by a guy and couldn’t believe an older cuter guy was saying that about me. Ethan said I was pretty but sexy? No. I told Peter I was clueless and I started feeling spinny and I couldn’t really comprehend what Peter was telling me. Like part of me knew what he was saying but I wasn’t in the mind set to interpret what he was saying. He was telling me that I should bite Ethan’s lip when we kiss, and I didn’t really get that. Peter demonstrated on me. I was shocked but I was like okay…

Peter then told me to do it to him. I was shy and said I couldn’t. Peter said I could, and put his hand on my face and kissed me, and so I bite his lip and Peter said, “Good, you got it.”

We continued talking. I told him I didn’t really feel anything with Ethan when I was on top making out. Peter said it was because I was a Sub. He said he was a Dom. I didn’t understand those terms back then. He said I was submissive and that was why I wasn’t getting anything out of making out with Ethan. Peter got on me and kissed me. I felt something. Peter said, “yeah you’re a submissive.” Peter said something about choking and I didn’t get it so he put his hand out to demonstrate and I remember squirming, but Peter said, “Stay still I am not going to hurt you.” He put his hand around my neck and gently tightened a bit. I kind of liked that. So Peter got on me again, and kissed me and “choked” me. He then bit my ear. That was interesting…

I knew this all was not supposed to be happening. I couldn’t believe this older guy thought I was cute. He even told me, “If you were my girlfriend I would make time for you.” Peter was over me and pinned me down, and I liked that and he was saying I was definitely a submissive. He continued demonstrating. He said I was wet when he felt my body up and down. I got nervous and felt embarrassed about that I remember. Peter said it was good, it meant I was enjoying myself or something like that. Peter then asked, “Has anyone ever gone down on you?” I replied, “No” shyly. He unzipped my shorts and said “is this okay?” and I shrugged nervously and pulled them off. He came back up and was kissing me while feeling me down there. He was getting hard. He slipped his finger in my underwear and fingered me. It kinda hurt at first but then felt good. He then went down on me. I had never felt anything like that. It was strange, I was nervous and scared. I remember he looked up at me while doing it. “I want to try some things to see if you like them,” he said and he did a lot of things down there. I won’t go into detail because I personally don’t want to recount that. He put my underwear back on. We continued watching the movie. I asked to be pinned down again to see if I did really actually like it. He did. He said he could “pin me against a wall to see if I liked that” and I said “I don’t know.” He continued making out with me and he then put on Brave when Hotel Transylvania ended. Eventually I was pinned against the wall. I felt like I was on a storming ship, everything was spinning even though I couldn’t move my arms or legs because Peter’s arms and body held me tight against the wall. I was so out of it. I remember wondering if I was going to puke.

We eventually went back to the couch, and I was falling asleep or so out of it I don’t really remember anything. Peter was hard, and he was like, “You’re doing that to me.” I couldn’t believe that. He felt my underwear again and was like, “You’re so wet.” He liked that. Then more stuff happened, like making out. He showed me different positions, and I only remember that because I remember being upside down at one point but I barely remember that. He asked if I had ever seen a penis before. I hadn’t. He pulled his out and was stroking it. He asked if I had ever given a hand job and I said no. He said it was easy and I was like I don’t know. He grabbed my hand and put it on his penis and put his hand over mine, guiding it. He eventually took his hand away and I stopped and was going to pull my hand away but he said to continue. I did for a second and stopped. He asked if I’d ever given a blow job, and I said no. He asked if I wanted to, and I said no. He said, “Okay, but if you ever want lessons, just call me and I’ll show you everything you need to know.”

Eventually we went to his room. I laid in his bed. He started kissing me again. I remember him having his shirt off and having a tattoo of a tiger head on the back of his right shoulder. He went down on me again in the bed room. He took my shirt off. Kissed my neck and chest. He said, “I want to see something,” and he pulled my bra down and sucked my nipple, and said, “Yeah yours are sensitive too.” I remember feeling very violated after that. He continued doing stuff. Eventually we passed out at 8 AM. I didn’t wake up until like 4 PM.

I told Ethan that stuff happened with Peter when I saw him later that evening. Ethan thought I cheated. I thought I cheated. At the time I didn’t know what sexual assault or rape was. Only when I told a friend what happened did he tell me I was sexually assaulted. That was hard to hear. Peter forever changed my life. I was always the good girl. I was into relationships, not smoking, not drinking, not partying. After Peter I felt tainted, like trash, I felt disgusted and ashamed with myself. It took me months to understand that I didn’t want Peter to do that even thought it felt physically pleasuring. I was so confused by that. I felt guilty. Ethan and I eventually broke up.

The reason I was so hesitant to share this was because I’ve already gotten so many opinions and comments from people about what I’ve gone through. I’ve gotten blamed, and had people say not so great things about me. But I am sharing this because I believe what happened to me was wrong. Peter was older and knew what he was doing. I even remember having one of the doctors at the school health clinic warn me that older guys loved to take advantage of the freshman girls. I remember thinking that it couldn’t happen to me. But it did. It changed my life forever.

I started drinking, and partying and hooking up thinking I wasn’t worth anything but sex. I wasn’t anything but an object. I still think of myself like that sometimes, but it’s not as often. It will be three years since Peter assaulted me this February 26th. I’ve come so far since that incident. I never thought I would be going to a Criminal Justice school. I never thought I would be in a healthy relationship. I never thought anyone could love me. I didn’t think I was ever going to be okay. But three years later and I’m doing much better. Yes I was raped by Monster and raped by Owen, but I am doing alright given all that I’ve been through.

XOXO Anna

Damn Anorexia and PTSD

Yesterday was an anorexic day. By that I mean that I was constantly plagued with thoughts of my body and comparing it and not wanting to eat. Then to finish the night off when Cody and I were having sex, I was on top and suddenly I was in a flashback. Cody got me grounded within 30 seconds of me starting to freak out, but it was scary. I haven’t had a flashback like that in ages! I mean, last nights sex, I could tell I was a bit dissociated, but then suddenly I felt like I wasn’t with Cody and I was with Owen or Monster or something. I got really scared until Cody got me to realize I was with him.

Today has been better though. I haven’t had too much anorexic thoughts annoying me, and PTSD wise I haven’t had anything come up. Plus I am focusing on my writing right now and that keeps me pretty grounded and happy.

XOXO Anna

Poker Night

Yesterday was awesome! By the time we got back to the hotel, I wanted to shower and I knew I was kind of crunched for time. Quick Silver and Andy got there 15 minutes early and I was just getting out of the shower. Cody talked to them while I finished getting ready. Andy was wearing a really nice black suit because he was doing business deals before he came over. We talked for a while and took photos, even though all the guys hated it. We then played poker. I assumed Andy and Cody would be the ones in the end battling for the chips but Cody was out first, then Andy, leaving it to Quick Silver and me. In the end I won! I won…which was a huge shock!

Also Andy did the whole threat thing with Cody…Andy was like, “If you hurt her…” I was scared Cody would react badly, but he didn’t and understood it was just what Andy did.

After Quick Silver and Andy left, once I was sober Cody and I had amazing sex, like love making sex. It was mind glowingly intimate and amazing. Plus we talked marriage again and Cody said the least amount he would feel comfortable spending on a ring would be $3,000… but he preferably wants to spend $3,500. That is woah.

Today has been nice too. Cody and I went to get lunch and then I ran into someone I knew and I’ll see them tomorrow. We are currently hanging out at a coffee shop. Then Cody and I are going to one of my favorite restaurants for dinner at seven. After that we are meeting Quick Silver and Andy at one of Andy’s favorite bars. Excited to be hanging with Quick Silver and Andy again!

We also saw Ethan’s sister. She was there when Ethan punched Monster. She told me Monster seemed like a hot mess, like manic depressive, and all over the place. Monster also told Ethan that he deserved to be punched. That was nice to hear.

Overall Cody and I are having a really nice trip!

XOXO Anna

In GA

We made the drive in one day and arrived around 8 pm sunday night. I was so happy to be back in Savannah. It felt like home. I can’t believe I ever left…but then again as I’ve walked around a bit yesterday morning I remember why I left.

The first night Cody kind of panicked. I felt bad. He has separation anxiety about his home. He doesn’t like being far from home, so I gave him a calm aid that night when he panicked and that helped. I felt really bad though.

Yesterday we went downtown and sat in my favorite coffee shop. I used to blog here all the time. It brought back memories. Good and bad. I spent a lot of time in this coffee shop with either friends or dates. Cody was a bit anxious again, but he was working on coffee shop ideas while I blogged.

Someone from my acting for camera class came. I’ve been seeing some familiar faces yesterday. Though I was looking around a lot and couldn’t keep still/calm. Damn hyper vigilance. And this was why I left. I couldn’t stay calm. I was always scared I would run into Owen after the rape. It’s bittersweet being here. I LOVE it and at the same time I am nervous. Stupid PTSD and stupid rapes. I am going to do my best to ignore the PTSD and just enjoy myself. Things have changed a lot since I’ve been here. Hell, I’ve changed a lot since I’ve been here.

Part of me feels strange to be here. I feel like this is my old life, and it is, so it’s weird being back. It’s nostalgic for sure, it just feels like I’ve moved on from this place…but I also love and miss it.

We hung out with a lot of friends yesterday. We spent hours with Quick Silver and Andy! I was SO FUCKING HAPPY to see them. Like they had their whole bickering dynamic going the whole time. They were the Quick Silver and Andy that I missed. They haven’t changed in any bad ways. They stayed the same with minor improvements. But I missed them SO MUCH. Honestly we spent like three hours with them, and when Cody got tired, I really didn’t want to leave. Hell I could have spent the rest of the day with them and have been on cloud 9. Honestly that is why I came back to Savannah. I really wanted to see Quick Silver and Andy.

Then Cody and I went back to the hotel. We started fooling around and had sex. Showered. Then headed back out to go have dinner with Ethan and his brothers. We then went to one of the popular bars on River Street. Wet Willies is this bar that has alcoholic slushies. It really makes it hard to figure out how drunk you are though. I didn’t finish my drink because I was tired. I also realized that I didn’t want that lifestyle anymore.

That lifestyle refers to the old days where I would dress sexy and go out drinking to a lot of different bars. With Cody I am happy and over it. I didn’t realize it though until I was here…and tried to go back to that lifestyle.

Earlier yesterday I really thought I wanted to dress sexy and go bar hopping like my old life, but when we actually went to Wet Willies, I realized I was SO over that life.

I absolutely LOVE my life with Cody. I love that we go to coffee shops, and go to our favorite bar/restaurant and see friends and hang out. I love having a laid back life style instead of constantly being on the go and looking amazing all the time and focusing so much on my image. I like being relaxed, and I am never relaxed. Until I met Cody and built that life with him I didn’t know what relaxed even was. I used to always dress fancy and nice and worry about my image, and it was just so much energy wasted.

Last night Ethan told me that he punched Monster. I said, “Because he raped me?” and Ethan said, “No, and I don’t know if he did because I don’t know the facts and I wasn’t there. I punched him because he was being a dick about relationships. He mentioned when you two were together and he knew it was a sore point with us. He knows that because we were together and that you two were together… he just was being an ass so I punched him.”

I was happy that Ethan punched Monster, but it felt like I had been stabbed when Ethan still said he didn’t believe me about Monster raping me. It honestly killed me. But why should I have expected ANYTHING from him?!? Like seriously, all Ethan has ever done is let me down. He constantly disappoints me.

Cody was really nice and was like, “Ethan peeked with you. He will never have anyone as good as you, and he was an idiot for fucking that up. I don’t even know how he got you in the first place.”

Hearing that made me feel good. I mean, Ethan… he has changed a lot. And you know what was so fucking strange? Ethan said when we were all at Panera getting dinner, when I didn’t want to eat anymore salad, Ethan said, “We do this because we love you.”

Ethan said that! Ethan has never been able to say the whole “love” thing that easily. Hell when I left Savannah, and we had our goodbye I said, “I love you.” Ethan said, “Me too.”

So… yeah, and Ethan was a bit flirty too I think. Like when he joked around with me he like was bumping up against me and stuff. So out of character for Ethan.

Today we are hanging out in another popular coffee shop and Cody is working on his coffee shop ideas. We are then going to get food and I’ll then take him to the shelter where I got Luvas! Also Cody isn’t anxious today! He is actually relaxed and calm.

XOXO Anna

Going Back to GA on Sunday

I am totally excited about GA! I am so happy to being Quick Silver and Andy! I’ve missed them like crazy. I’ll also be seeing Ethan…so that will be interesting. I am excited to show Cody everything and show him off to my friends.

The only thing is I am crazy anxious about being triggered. What if I see Owen? What if I see Peter DJing some club? I doubt Monster would be there, but still.

I hate that the place I love and miss brings such anxiety. I have been going through my blog and editing each and every post so it’s in categories, which was something I should have done ages ago. And re-reading some of my old posts made me sad. I read a post where I was talking about being freaked out about being hit on in Panera.

I just hope that when Cody and I get to Savannah I don’t freak. I want to enjoy this vacation and not have to worry about my safety or being triggered, and more to the point, Cody shouldn’t have to worry about me being triggered. It’s not his job.

It’s sweet that he wants to take care of me and all, but I am used to being in Savannah and dealing with it on my own unless I ask for help. Cody helps even when not asked, which I am not used to. It’s sweet, but sometimes I just feel so bad because I do feel like I’m a burden or it’s too much even if he doesn’t. Like I don’t want to be a downer.

I want to be able for Cody not to worry. Like even tonight he was worried about me because Jack Daniels is kind of a trigger for me so he lied about it and when we got to his house I saw a bottle that he dad got. He said he lied because he was worried it would make me want to drink or something. I really hate that he worried about me. It’s sweet, but I can handle myself. Or if I can’t, then let me drown myself in my destruction until I get through it on my own. Yeah, I know self-destruction is not good, but sometimes I just want to do what I want even if it’s not the healthiest.

But Cody loves me so much that he won’t let me self-destruct, which I am thankful for. But damn do I feel guilty about still wanting to at times. And yeah, I really don’t feel like I deserve someone as good as Cody. I mean, why do I deserve someone like Cody? I’ve been treated like crap by every guy…so why do I deserve the good treatment? I am not used to it at all, even after six months.

Also India and her boyfriend left this morning, so it’s been strange to not have her around. I really wanted to breakdown this morning at 5:30 AM when I said goodbye. I haven’t cried yet, but it’s only a matter of time before I cry.

I just am going into the new year hoping that things with my sister continue to get better, that Cody and I still remain good and happy, and that college goes well. If all that happens I will consider myself lucky.

Hope everyone has a good new year!

XOXO Anna

Betraying Trust

I probably should have posted about this when it happened. I guess I thought I didn’t need to write about it to process it but I was wrong. I posted about how Cody and I had a bit of a fight but I never wrote what really happened. Well, now I am going to write about it. I need to so I can process my emotions.

If you’ve read my blog you will know that I struggle with anorexia. That doesn’t just include thinking I don’t have a good body, it also includes being majorly threatened by other girls. I have really disliked having girlfriends since I was six years old. That is because of Skyler, a girl friend of mine who was basically the definition of Mean Girls. I felt like I lived that movie. She told me that no guy would like me unless it was for my body. I really internalized that message growing up. I also learned from a very early age that, or was taught to think that, guys want sex. That’s all they want.

Now that you know that about me, I will proceed. Cody, his dad, sister, brother, uncle, grandfather, and grandmother and me were all sitting down to dinner in this Chinese restaurant. Cody pulled out his phone and was about to search something. I saw porn on his history. I know that to maybe most girls that’s fine. To me it tore me apart. See, Cody knows about my body image issues, plus he knows about my ex who was addicted to porn. We agreed early in the relationship he wouldn’t look at porn.

So seeing that on his phone, I felt utterly and completely devastated and betrayed. Cody took me outside and we kinda fought. I told him I couldn’t handle it. Cody said that because he was staying at his house and living his old life, he did it out of habit. For him it would be a habit, probably one that’s hard to break, because he used to get off twice a day with porn before he met me for about 14 years. So yeah it’s a bad habit. He didn’t watch it though. He just typed it into his phone, and then realized that he would be hurting me and exited the page. So yay for that. But I just feel…well not good enough.

Cody has explained that him doing that has nothing to do with me. My anorexia sunk it’s teeth into this one and has it’s jaw locked though. I have been eating though…but every time I think about it I feel not good enough. I know the irrationality there. Cody promised me that he would never do it again. I want to trust him. But I feel like some trust has been broken.

To me him doing that meant I wasn’t good enough. Or that he wants something/someone else. Of course Cody has already told me that’s not the case. I can’t help that I feel that way though. I am hurting. I don’t know how to get over it. I know it was a reflex to an old habit… but the fact that he had the urge to do that hurt. My anorexia really locked onto this. That anorexic voice in my head is killing me.

How does one move past a betrayal of trust, big or small? I’ve never been in a long-term healthy relationship. This is my first. I know relationships go through ups and downs. Cody offered to give me his phone while I will be at my house tonight, that way I would know he wouldn’t be betraying my trust. I took the first step in trusting him though. I said he could keep his phone and that I am trying to trust him again by letting him have it.

So yeah. Is that how you get trust back? By slowly giving them chances to prove themselves to you? I love Cody beyond comprehension, and I thought he wouldn’t do something to hurt me like that. I guess I am just in shock too. Cody always was this guy who, yes had his flaws, but wouldn’t do anything that would hurt me. He is human though. People hurt people.

After Monster, I made a three strikes rule. Three strikes and you’re out. Three makes a pattern. With Cody if he were to hit strike three, I honestly don’t think I would walk away. I couldn’t. I mean, this porn thing was his second offense. Early in the relationship I found a pic of a naked girl on his phone. He also at that time knew that would hurt me, but again, it’s a bad habit. So with that and the porn thing, it just made me feel insecure.

I wrote in a past post about consistency. Consistency is key with me. Especially after going through a string of abusive relationships. I’ve described myself as an abused dog in a shelter before. See, Cody has given me consistency with his word and the fact that he is trustworthy. But since this was not consistent with his behavior it has shaken me. I guess once he is consistent again I’ll trust again.

Also Cody and I leave for GA this sunday! I am excited about that. He will get to meet all my friends and I’ll show him all of the places I would hang out. I’ve missed GA so much! Super excited to be going back for a week as a birthday present from my parents!

But any comments with advice would be greatly appreciated. Again, first real, serious, longterm, healthy relationship. Kinda clueless at times about all this. Thanks for reading.

XOXO Anna

Two Weeks Notice, Flat Tire, and Home Alone

I gave my two weeks notice at work yesterday. I can’t stay at my job and be in recovery because working there kind of keeps me from eating. Also, driving home from work yesterday I got a flat tire on the high way. Luckily I made it to the exit and pulled over.

I called Cody and he came and changed it for me. My knight in shining armor 🙂 My parents left this morning and won’t be back until friday. They went to spend Thanksgiving with my mom’s dad. I have my assessment tomorrow to get back into Renfrew.

Part of me is glad to be leaving my job and the other half is sad. I really did enjoy being a waitress. There were some really fun parts. The not so fun parts were one of my managers, who is really not that nice, and then the side work.

I’m a bit nervous about Thanksgiving. I mean, some Monster stuff has been coming up, making it anxiety provoking. But really, what’s been bothering me the most is my sister.

Things still aren’t good. Part of me feels like she and I will never be good again, and that is what’s killing me. Literally. I mean, I’ve been on and off with suicidal ideation for the past three weeks. But today I am okay. It’s just the anxiety of having her come home that’s killing me. My biggest fear is being ignored by her when she comes home. But only time will tell.

XOXO Anna

Drunk and Hurt

So I am drunk. I know I said I got through Monsters anniversary… but I saw Ethan wish Monster a happy birthday on the 10th. It really hurt me beyond belief. I wrote out a note to get out my feelings. Part of me wants to post it and part of me is hesitant. I am not sure what I’m going to do, but I want to be understood. I want someone to understand the pain that Ethan has caused by staying by my rapists side.

XOXO Anna

It’s been rough

Monster’s anniversary was really rough last week. Last monday I will admit I was suicidal. I was actually going to do something but Cody walked into my bedroom and saw me crying. I told him everything and he has been amazing this past week. Things with my sister still aren’t good. I figure my depression is from things being so strained with my sister and some PTSD stuff with Monster.

I reached out to a friend tonight and talked to her and told her everything that’s been going on with me and it helped a lot. It was really nice to talk to someone who understands and who made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

Tonight I am at Cody’s house with him and his brother. His brothers friend and boyfriend are joining too, and they are all going to play Fallout 4. Apparently it’s some big game that gamers have been waiting for. It is released at midnight. I don’t game, so I’ll be blogging or watching netflix or writing or reading. But it’s nice. Everyone is here, and honestly being around everyone now just makes me feel better. This is the kind of hangouts I like, where its chill, at someone’s house, everyone is just hanging out, and having fun.

XOXO Anna

Stress, PTSD, Adoption

Yesterday I had my job interview, I personally have no idea on how it went. But with my cynical personality I tend to think that maybe I won’t get the job….but who knows! Anyways, I talked to my sister yesterday and it sucked. It really made me depressed (and that was after me being sad about the job interview). I went home and finished watching some chick flick and had two glasses of prosecco. Cody came home as the movie was finishing. I was not happy. I thought he wouldn’t be home that soon so he caught me watching a chick flick and drinking.

Chick flicks aren’t my thing, unless I’m sad and feeling romantic. I watch chick flicks when I feel like I have no real romantic future for myself, so why not lose myself in a stupid movie that makes it seem like people can get happy endings. As I stated before, I was having a very low day yesterday.

Cody ended up cheering me up. I was jealous that he went to hang with his brother. I mean, great for him, go do that. Hell, I wish I could do that with my sister. But my sister and I are still not on the best of terms I guess. I’m happy that Cody got to hang with his brother but it made me realize how much I miss hanging with my sister.

At the moment I have Cody and Serena as my options for people to hang out with. Cody has all his friends. Like he is hanging with one of his friends tomorrow, and I’m happy that he is doing that but it makes me wish I had some friends around me to hang out with. Maybe I’ll text Ethan, or other people from GA and see if they are free to Skype around the time that Cody will be hanging with his friend. I just don’t think anyone will be free to Skype with me… but I’ll try.

I guess since I hadn’t blogged in a while nor have I written in my journal, I didn’t realize how much Monster stuff, sister stuff, and school stuff was affecting me. I looked up classes for spring semester today and I am excited for the classes I want to take but it reminded me that I am not in school right now and it sucks. I love being in school. I know I may sound like a nerd but I love to learn.

My sister being distant has been hard. I just wish we could make up and talk about everything and she would let me in and I could help. I want to go back to the days of us in the TV room, watching shows together while eating our smart food and drinking tea and coffee. It was our thing and we haven’t done that in ages. Now I just watch TV by myself, and sometimes I turn my head to make a comment but my sister isn’t there. It’s sad.

Monster stuff has been coming up for a while without me realizing it until a couple days ago. But watching that chick flick yesterday just made me think of Monster, and watching the movie with the couple that got the happy ending of being together despite the struggles they had made me feel like I would never get the happily ever after. I know I may sound like a kid with a dream, but that’s okay. Everyone has dreams. My dream is to have a family and career. Peter, Monster, and Owen took that dream from me. Though even before them, when I was with Ethan, he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for a real commitment.

Ethan saw this gif, and I said that was so mean, and he said “yeah, I am going to do that for someone someday, it will be funny.” Note how he said someone. I guess I never got the message from anyone that I was long term material. I know that most guys see me as short term because they see me as a hot fuck. Which sucks. But whatever.

Before I met Cody, I envisioned my future as someone who had only their career and their pet. No husband or boyfriend, no real friends, and no kids. The best possible scenario I envisioned was me adopting and being a single mom. That was my happy ending that I saw after my trauma’s, and the single mom thing was if I was lucky. I know that when Cody heard me say that to him once he was sad that I thought of my future like that.

Now I actually do see a real possibility for a normal future. The one I dreamt of. But at the same time, with Monster stuff coming up, it threatens that dream of mine. It makes me feel like even though Cody and I are good, and he loves me and sees a future with me, I somehow think it’s going to disappear or be taken away. I know it’s irrational, but I just can’t help it I guess. I don’t think that all the time, it’s only when I feel vulnerable or down or some other emotion that is accosted with something negative. That’s why yesterday was so hard on me. I felt the job interview didn’t go so well, so I felt like a failure or rejected which brings out my trauma feelings, hence why I started thinking that I don’t get to have the future I dreamed of.

I am trying to figure out what I can do to make me feel better. I know being social could potentially make me feel better, but who the hell am I supposed to be social with?! I don’t want to hang with Serena again, I just hung out with her the other day. I just wish I had my guy friends around. I wanna hang with them. I want to feel like I actually do have friends and am not some loner loser. I know I am being quite harsh with my words towards myself. It’s just this is how I felt back in high school. I was a loner in high school. I had my small group of friends, but other than that I was a loner.

Cody seems to have so many friends and right now I feel like I have none. It’s a bit hard. Especially because of the fact that right now Monster stuff is coming up, I know I am not supposed to isolate or hide. I am supposed to try to go out and have fun.

But how am I supposed to have fun? Please tell me because for me, and my past, fun meant getting drunk and finding a guy to go home with to forget the fact that I went through the trauma’s. And right now, realizing that Monster stuff is coming up makes me want to avoid and hide. I want to pretend that all of it never happened to me.

I definitely am starting to struggle with my PTSD again…yay me for being not strong enough or something. I know that in my PTSD book it says that when symptoms come up it doesn’t mean you’re a failure, but right now I feel so angry. Angry at myself and angry at Monster. I know Cody says that my PTSD and anorexia and other stuff isn’t who I am, but it is part of me. I know that he says I make him happy and he loves me, but the part of me that was violated by these guys doesn’t comprehend that still.

People say experience is one of life’s best teachers. In my experience people eventually bail because of my PTSD. Cody says he isn’t going to bail. I’ve heard that before. I know he is different than the other people and I shouldn’t compare…but I am a bit scared. Hell, Eric was there for three years and then suddenly walks away as if I meant nothing to him. It seemed so easy for him to leave…after THREE FUCKING YEARS! Yeah, I’m angry. So much for best friends and being family, it obviously meant nothing. But see, it took Eric three years to leave me but he left. The others seem to come and go. They are there for me and then they will leave when things get tough, and somehow we come back together and the cycle repeats. There’s a reason I fear abandonment. I know my abandonment issues go way beyond these past couple years. It honestly, in my opinion, stems from my adoption. I am not sure if I’ve talked about my adoption on here yet, but I am now.

I’ve talked with my parents multiple times about my adoption. I think that me feeling unlovable and unworthy and undeserving all stems from my adoption. In my mind, I honestly don’t know how a parent could give up their child. I am not judging those who have, that’s your choice. For me, I think back and imagine having my parents give me away. Maybe it was hard for them, maybe it wasn’t their choice, maybe other things were at play. But at the end of the day, my thoughts on my adoption are that I was unwanted. If my own biological parents didn’t want me then why the hell would anyone else want me? I know, I’m being a little cynical and depressing, but it’s how I feel at times. But I know that my real parents want me and love me. I know that some stupid people who are my biological parents shouldn’t define whether I am good enough, lovable, wanted, and so on. They truly are just meaningless. The only thing they were good for was creating me, so why should I put so much weight into them? Who cares if they gave me away? Maybe it’s not me who isn’t deserving but it’s them? Because even though I’ve gone through a lot, I think I am deserving of lots of things. I think I am deserving of love and respect. I think I am worthy…as long as I don’t think about my adoption and trauma’s that is. So I am a fucking work in progress, which I will always be.

I guess I have to be okay with the fact that I am human and I am not perfect.

XOXO Anna

One Year, School, Triggers, and Job Interview

It feels like I haven’t posted in a while. But it’s been one year since I signed up for WordPress, so I had to post. I tend to not post while trying to process through things.

Cody and his school work… oh that’s been hard. He has a test right now. Last night we started the homework and studying. Cody got frustrated maybe a half hour into doing the work. He didn’t finish the first lesson and got frustrated when looking at the second one. I got him to watch me do some problems so he would understand how they were done. I’m hoping he does alright, but we agreed the new way to handle homework is to do some problems each night so he isn’t overwhelmed the night before it’s due. Cody texted me and since he was late and only had twenty minutes before his class ended he didn’t go. I guess cody wasn’t exaggerating when he told me how hard it was going to be to get him to do his work and pass his classes.

Lately I’ve been triggered by Monster stuff. Monster and I got together around this time two years ago. Last year I was reporting him and waiting to hear back from my officer around this time last year. I also was kinda single and didn’t have a real, close, intimate, healthy relationship.

I’ve been projecting things that are Monster related onto Cody, and now that I know that’s why I’ve been off it makes me feel better. This is the first guy I’ve loved since Monster, and knowing my feelings for Cody makes me realize how little I did love Monster. Blair says it best above my feelings for Cody.

At least I now know why I’ve had irrational thoughts and feelings. But Monster and I got together around this time two years ago. I think it was on the 17th actually. Anniversaries are the worst. They always bring things up. Cody said he hadn’t noticed me being different or off. I let him know though so if it does become noticeable he will at least know why I’m off.

My parents even have been on my case because I’ve been so angry and irritable lately. (my mom is sitting next to me and literally as I was writing that sentence asked me why I’ve been so irritable). I haven’t told them it’s because of Monster issues. I probably will tell them eventually.

I finally have that job interview at that diner I applied to. It’s at 2:30 and I’m nervous. I hope it goes well…Only time will tell though. Hoping I get the job! Fingers crossed.

XOXO Anna

The Family Situation

The full story behind what’s been going on is about to be explained.

If you’ve read my past posts, you will know that my sister ran away. I gave up going to school this semester. Before my family decided to go find my sister we found out a lot. We confirmed she had been cutting. We found out she wrote a suicide note back in march. We found out why she wrote the suicide note (which I still won’t reveal because it’s her business).

We went out of the country to the small town she was in. First day there we found the place she was staying and the post office we sent her package too. The second day we staked out the post office to see if she was going to come pick up the package, which she didn’t. We told her we were in town and that we weren’t going to leave until we saw her.

She texted back that she was on her way to the hotel. She called me and told me she only wanted to see me, and so I went down outside the hotel and saw my sister and the 18 year old guy she was staying with. She looked terrible. There were bruises on her (from a night they got black out drunk) and she looked like she lost weight too. The guy convinced her to talk to me, so we walked around the corner and I talked to her while she just stood there with no expression. I was pouring my heart out to her. I could tell at one point she was trying to hide her emotions and not cry like I was starting to do.

I knew I wasn’t getting anywhere with her so we went back to the front of the hotel. The guy convinced her to go upstairs and talk to my parents. My dad described my sister walking into the hotel room like she was walking into an execution. We all tried talking to her. Telling her how much we loved her. She just continued to ask for money. when my dad started to say no, she bolted out the door. I ran after her and the elevator that was always slow when I needed it, well the door opened right away. I ran and got in front of her as she was pushing me, trying to get in the elevator. I held her outside of it though, and my dad walked around the corner and helped get her off me. My dad asked the guy to come in the hotel room to talk.

My sister and the guy sat on the couch as my parents talked to him. My dad asked if we could meet his mom since that’s who they were living with. He agreed.

That was an extremely hard day and that’s the day I cut.

The next day we met with him, my sister, and his mom in a mall. She honestly was such a nice woman. The meeting went well. We agreed that the next day we would go shopping so my sister would have clothes for the winter.

We went to the mall, and waited for them to arrive. While waiting I went shopping at this store to distract myself from the crazy situation we were in and found a gorgeous sexy dress, a pair of pants, and an amazing top. When they arrived my sister said she wanted me to go shopping with her and the guy. It wasn’t very successful because I do get anxiety when shopping and I only got her to agree to buy a pair of pants.

We went back to the food court and then his mom and my mom went with my sister and the guy to shop. I stayed with my dad. After they came back with what my sister actually needed, we all went out to dinner. It was hard. There were moments where it seemed like nothing had changed and my sister and I were like we always were. Then it hit me that she was going to be staying with this family for the semester.

When we said goodbye my sister actually hugged each of us back and said she loved us after we each told her we loved her. I cried. It was extremely hard and I cut again that night.

The next day we went home without my sister.

It’s been really hard. The whole situation has made me beyond anxious. I have had nightmares since the first night we left the country until now. Also, because all this stuff with my sister brought up some of my own stuff, it’s been really hard. I’ve had irrational fears about Cody and I, and I’ve had more irrational thoughts regarding me and my worth and whether I am deserving of love and such.

I had therapy today and talked about everything that this situation has brought up for me. It’s brought up all these old irrational fears and thoughts that I haven’t had since I met Cody. It’s brought up Monster stuff (rape stuff, and cheating stuff), and it’s brought up abandonment issues. It’s also brought up separation anxiety. I am also struggling with eating… so lots is going on.

I am trying my best to keep it together, and keep things as normal as possible.

XOXO Anna

Suicide Medicine

I found that song on my sister’s computer and now it’s one of my songs I listen to when depressed.

I am low. I cut again tonight. I snuck into my dads bag and found a sewing kit and found a safety pin. I took that into my shower and I tried cutting over my XO but since I fucked it up the other night I just couldn’t get it right and it just hurt too much before I drew any little amount of blood so I gave up. Also Cody asked to Skype and I told him, and he let me go to finish cutting while he skyped his friend while gaming or something.

I tried to go over my XO but it just was getting me more frustrated and wasn’t serving my need. I ended up going below my tattoo on my wrist and starting a new, smaller, XO. I got that right and got to see minimal blood. Scratching yourself with a safety pin and making an XO is actually time consuming. It takes time to scratch in an XO. Maybe my sister and other cutters have it right with using razor blades so it’s quick. I just can’t use anything too sharp for fear of doing real damage. I rather be in as much control with my self harm as I can. I don’t want to go deep and I don’t want to kill myself, or have that risk while self-harming.

I like being in control and just scratching to the point where blood is starting. Then I stop. Though I’ll admit I had a hard time stopping tonight. I got to where I wanted. A new XO is on my wrist. It had it’s minimal blood showing but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t get further with that though, so I cut lines under it because all the other space on my arm between the top XO and the bottom XO was taken.

I lied to my parents tonight. My dad had to come into the bathroom once and I said I was relaxing. My mom came in to brush her teeth and asked if I was self-harming and I said no, just taking a bath. I haven’t self-harmed, and lied about it in what seems like ages.

Today would have marked seven months clean of self-harming. Also my three month anniversary with Cody also marks my one year since I stopped getting drunk. AA back in GA called me today asking if I still went and if they were going to need to make my one year chip with my name on it, but I told them I moved out of GA. You guys have no idea how much I wish I could be getting that chip. I honestly haven’t lost myself in drinking since I went to AA. I mean I’ve definitely drank and gotten drunk, but I haven’t been as bad as I was before AA. I mean, I used to get drunk every thursday, friday, and saturday night back in my fall quarter in my sophomore year. Until I got with Monster. Eric and Ethan made sure I didn’t keep drinking.

But I hate how much has changed. So much is going on. With my sister running away, and staying here and not coming home with us, it kills me. It kills me to know what she went through, the pain she is suffering, and what she is or was doing to herself. But hey, I self harmed the other day and today so I can’t judge, but then again my self harm is quite minimal compared to others.

I know I haven’t told you all about what’s going on with my sister and my family and the situation we are in, and I can’t reveal that until maybe another day or two, but it is a very difficult situation. I cried when I had to say goodbye to her today.

Hell we had dinner with her and the people she was staying with and at the end I excused myself to get some air and the thought of running away or just walking into traffic crossed my mind. And when my and my mom and dad went to a bar after that thought of walking into traffic plagued my mind.

So I did the lesser of two evils. I cut. But that doesn’t mean that suicide has left my mind. I know I’m writing about it and I am sorry if it worries anyone. I have said it in past posts that I would never commit suicide, but I do need to talk about it. I need to say that I am suffering right now. I am going through a lot and so many things are going on and I am not sure how I am going to get through it all.

1. My sister ran away, wrote of suicide, admitted to something I can’t reveal, and self harms and my family is completely helpless and can’t do anything about it because she is 18.
2. It’s that time of year. Eric and I were together last year around this time. I also reported Monster just about now last year. Eric dumped me and I dealt with Monster getting away with rape by myself.
3. November 7th will be coming up, which is the anniversary of Monster raping me.
4. I am not going to school this semester because of my sister. School was the only thing that was making things better and keeping me grounded and made me have a purpose. I was heading towards my goals and now I am stuck with nothing. I feel useless and purposeless.

So things aren’t looking too good right now. I mean, hey I’ll try to stay positive and not completely lose myself in a pit of depression and self hatred. I know I am not being super positive right now but I just have been so strong for everyone else while this whole situation has been going on, and seeing my sister is what made me crack, what made me brake.

Also I know how stupid this is but Cody is playing games and wanted me to Skype with him and his friend he is playing with but why in the god fuck would I Skype with a stranger while I am this depressed and just self harmed? Like if anything I want to Skype with Cody just so I can talk to JUST HIM so I can not feel as bad as I am feeling now. I obviously suck at hinting over FB message that I … it doesn’t matter.

I am just so low so why bring anyone else down with me right? No Cody would absolutely hate me if I… but I can’t ruin his fun.

I feel like a loser and a failure and gross and meaningless and worthless and undeserving and fuck. I just have no self esteem right now. I have no motivation and I have no confidence what so fucking ever. I want to talk to someone. I want to reach out for help but I can’t. I have to be strong or appear strong for my parents. I don’t want to burden anyone either. I feel so bad right now. And I’ve been writing notes down on my phone of my feelings from the past couple days and fuck. I scare myself with what I feel. I haven’t felt this kind of depression in a while. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel so fucking bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to ask for help, or even deserve help even if I ask. Fuck I am back to where I was before college. Back to my secrecy and self hatred. Unless I get the courage to let someone know how I am truly feeling…

XOXO Anna

Panic

I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I ended up drinking too much last night because I wanted to see if I could remember anything from that night with Monster.

There’s a lot going on right now with my sister missing/running away, school, and it being that time of year when I reported Monster.

I know I have to keep it together. I know that, but at the same time I feel like I haven’t been. I feel like I’ve been letting everyone (mom, dad, Cody) down because I have been crying or I’ve been more likely to be triggered. I feel like a failure in truth. Maybe I am being too hard on myself, it’s one of the things I do best. But I am just seriously stressed.

I know Cody loves seeing me happy, and I love being happy, and lately its been harder to be at the level of consistant happiness that I was before my sister ran away. There are days where I seem fine and then suddenly something happens and I cry, or my mood shifts and it sucks. Yesterday I was fine until Cody got home and I paused an episode of Criminal Minds and I got crazy nauseous. I think something in the episode triggered something relating to my sister and my childhood. That really unnerved me.

Then I went out with Cody and his friends and I was at the bar and there was a bottle of Jack Daniels on the wall in front of me and all I could think was to try and remember something from the night Monster raped me. I just wanted to fill in the blanks. I want answers. I know I can’t have them, and I know Monster lied to me, but I want proof, and I figured if I could just remember then… I don’t know I would have some peace with it, or understand why Monster did it.

I fucking hate PTSD. It’s a royal bitch, and I’ve written that so many times on here. I just hate whenever any PTSD symptom comes up because to me, I feel like I have failed if I am not 100% better or okay. I know how irrational that is, or maybe not irrational, but setting too high of standards. Even in the PTSD book I have that is like my bible for surviving, it says that setbacks are normal, especially around anniversary’s.

But to me, because I have lost pretty much everyone throughout my recovery from my trauma’s, I feel like if my PTSD acts up it means I am at risk for losing another person. That creates a huge amount of anxiety for me. I have lost literally everyone except for my parents, Andy, and Quick Silver through my trauma’s. I now have Cody, but a part of me still fears that my PTSD or my stuff is too much since that is the message I’ve gotten from people.

I hate that I feel like I am not being strong. I just don’t want others to not see me as strong through this stuff. I have gotten back into my old bad habit of saying “I’m sorry” way too much. I constantly am saying sorry and when I say I am sorry its out of fear. I always say sorry because I am scared and trying to avoid a negative consequence. Now not all my apologies are like that, but the times I say sorry when there is literally no god damn good reason for me to say I am sorry, it’s because I am scared.

Everything is constantly changing, that I know. But I am not a fan of change. I like what I know and am familiar with. It takes time to get used to change. It takes time to accept new things. I explained to Cody that it is going to take time for me to be fully comfortable or understand or accept everything that he does that’s good because I am not used to it.

Last night I apologized because I had to stop during sex, and I felt terrible because it was before either of us got off. For me, with the guys I’ve been with before Cody, the goal was always to get the guy off. Also last time I said stop or wait during sex was with Owen, who raped me. So when I said stop or wait last night and Cody listened and respected it, it was different. Nice. But still, because I am not used to it, it made me feel anxious. Cody said that wasn’t the goal of sex. He said it didn’t matter that we had to stop, what mattered was that I was okay.

That is very new for me. I’ve probably written all this on here at one point already, but I am still getting used to Cody and being treated with respect. I was used to it, or getting there, but again, with it being an anniversary thing I am more…one edge…which means I tend to revert back to old habits (such as apologizing too much).

I am not sorry for all my PTSD symptoms, and I am not sorry for crying a lot because my sister ran away, but I feel bad because I know that people that care about me don’t like seeing me like that. So I am not sorry for being vulnerable and actually letting people know what’s going on, but I am sorry that it hurts those around me that care.

I just want to get through the next couple weeks without being triggered too much, because then it will be October and I will be happy and not triggered because nothing bad happened in October. The beginning of September reminds me of reporting Monster. November 7th, well that’s the anniversary of the rape with Monster. So I am just a bit nervous. Dealing with Peter (classmate who sexually assaulted me) and the time of year isn’t an issue anymore. February 26th doesn’t seem to have much of an effect now that it’s been two and a half years. I am sure when January 18th comes up I’ll be on edge since it hasn’t even been a year since Owen raped me. But I’m getting way a head of myself, but then again I like to be prepared for possible triggers.

But I am thankful for my mom and dad still being here and understanding that I get triggered. I am thankful that Quick Silver and Andy are still my friends and don’t get mad at me if I am having an off day. I am truly thankful and feel lucky to have found Cody because he seems to never give up on me, or get angry or upset at me when any of this stuff comes up. His reaction is perfect. He never makes me feel bad about breaking down or having something affect me. Because hell, if I could not let any of this stuff affect me I would do that in a heart beat! Cody never says a reproachful word to me about any of my PTSD stuff or just when I actually am crying even if it has to do with something else. I’ve never had anyone not get mad or upset or annoyed as a reaction to me crying, besides my sister. Cody makes me happy.

Cody and I have our differences, like his interest in planes, cars, and engineering. Even though I know nothing about all that, I still love to sit and listen to him talk about it. Just seeing the excitement and feeling that energy is amazing to be around. With most people I would tune out or not care, but I actually listen to him and try to understand what he is saying. Having Cody in my life has taught me a lot and I’ve made a lot of progress. I am just thankful that Cody seems to really love and care about me and is willing to go through all this stuff with me without getting angry or feeling like it’s too much. That means the world to me that he wants to be there.

XOXO Anna

Letter Of Anger

So in treatment today we all wrote letters to people we were angry at. I decided to share because I had been wanting to be able to share but was too scared until now. The response was so positive. They told me I should share what I wrote, so here it goes.

Dear Peter, fuck you. You took my first sexual experience from me.

Dear Monster, what is wrong with you? I was your girlfriend, I lost my virginity to you, and then you end up raping me? Are you fucking kidding me? You betrayed me in the worst way possible.

Dear Eric, I hate you for abandoning me. We promised no matter what, we’d always be friends. You turned into everything you never wanted to me. I’ll never understand your betrayal. Fuck you.

Dear Owen, what the hell is wrong with you? We were dating, making progress, and you rape me? What is your problem? Were you really that insecure? Seriously?

Because of you guys I left GA, my school, my old life. The Anna I once was is dead and gone. I’ve lost so much because of these trauma’s. But I’m not letting you guys win. I am going to NYC, studying psychology and criminology, and one day I’ll be putting people like you behind bars.

After I spoke that aloud, they all clapped. They said it was an empowering and inspiring letter. One girl even said I was her hero. Another said it sounded like slam poetry. So I decided to share.

XOXO Anna

Therapy, A Trip To The ER, and Intoxication

On Monday I had therapy. I bailed on treatment because I was feeling sick and my mouth were still hurting like a bitch. When I went to therapy I had no idea how much was really going on in my head until I sat down and started talking. There was so fucking much! I mean for god’s sake I couldn’t even shut my mouth for a second at times. There were so many topics that we covered. We talked about my family life at home, we talked about Cody, we talked about Eric and Monster.

See for the past week or so I’ve been seriously nostalgic. I have been thinking about Eric- a lot. That really annoyed me, because why in hell should I be here missing that douche bag? So we talked about it. It was around this time last year that Eric and I were together and getting closer than ever. That all fell a part when we went back to school and I reported Monster. I hate transitions. Transitions usually mean loss or breakups or just bad things in general. I hated how most of the session focused on my life back in GA. But, then again, I really miss GA, but I’m better off here. I want my friends. I want it to be a year ago, before all the bad things happened. Well, a year ago I had still gone through bad things, but me, Eric, and Ethan were still a family.

I want the three musketeers back. That’s never going to happen. It sucks. At least Ethan is still in my life in the way of us texting occasionally about our writing and stories. Eric is gone. Completely fucking erased from my life. That’s hard. In the past year I’ve lost the three closet people to me, Ethan, Eric, and my sister. I guess I didn’t realize how hard it was on me until we talked in therapy about it.

We also talked a lot about Cody, and how to handle the transition back to school, and being able to help Cody with his work and make sure he doesn’t fall behind. But after therapy on Monday I felt a lot better. I felt like I understood why I was so “off”.

Monday evening after Cody and I had had sex for the second time that night, I went to the shower and I suddenly had a pain in my lower abdomen. It became excruciating quite quickly, and it felt like something had or was going to burst. Cody begged to take me to the ER but I refused and said that we should wait. The pain dulled after a couple minutes but I was still having jabbing pains all night. In the morning I told my parents and they told me I should have gone to the ER last night or woken them up. So yesterday Cody drove me to the ER.

Let’s just say that Cody was fucking AMAZING. Like holy fucking hell, what a fucking trooper he has been. He hates the dentist, but last thursday he took me and was there with me when they put me under. Now, he goes to the ER with me, even though he hates hospitals, and he stays with me until I was discharged. Like, dude, no one’s ever been so kind or sweet to me. As Cody and I later discussed that evening, I guess I have a warped idea of what a boyfriend is and isn’t. Cody said that he is my boyfriend and that’s what you do when you’re in a relationship. When he said that it kinda hit me.

In the past, my relationships were very….superficial I guess you could say. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Ethan and I were emotionally close and stuff, but just because you’re emotionally close to someone doesn’t mean… I don’t know. Just, in my past relationships, aside from Ethan since we never had sex, my relationships with my ex’s were mainly based on sex and me buying them things. With Monster, sure he seemed to “care” but honestly when push came to shove he would never take me to the dentist if I needed. Same with Eric. They would probably both find me a nuisance in asking, let alone them actually having to do that.

So Cody made me realize how bad I’ve had it. Or how shitty it’s been. It’s nice to have something different, someone who actually gives a flying fuck about me, you know? Like I actually felt genuinely loved and cared about yesterday. Not to say Cody hasn’t made me feel that before, but yesterday it just really sunk in. Yesterday I felt things shift, in a good way. It was change, progress within our relationship.

I felt terrible about Cody having to be stuck with me at the hospital while they did all these tests, but he said he didn’t mind. He said he wanted to be there. He even said to me, “I don’t think you understand how much I love you.” I replied “I guess not, or I won’t let myself understand that.”

It probably is true though, I don’t know if I have let myself understand that. Or acknowledge or believe or whatever word you want to use. Yesterday kind of proved something to me, that Cody really fucking must love me if he fucking stayed by my side in a hospital for 5 hours. Like, my mind tries to rationalize things away, even good things, or minimize the good things, or try to put them into perspective. It’s a defense mechanism I’ve picked up since my first trauma. But yesterday in the ER with Cody holding my hand through some tests that I was not happy to have done to me, something just clicked and my defense mechanism couldn’t fight it. This boy must really fucking care about me. It’s very strange. In the best way possible though. And when I was discharged, I had a co-pay of $200 and Cody said he would pay it. I told him he was crazy, but he paid it. He fucking spent $200 on me. I mean, I’ve spent a little more on him for this surprise thing I’m doing for him, but I’m used to being the one in the relationship who spends money on the other person, not the other way around. Like again, can we say that he is like a fucking prince or knight in shining armor?

Anyways, it turned out that I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured. All I have to do is follow up with my OBGYN and take it easy I guess until the pain is fully gone.

Cody got asked out to a boys night. We got home and I told him to go. He fucking deserved it after all for being such a fucking prince. Like jeez. So we went home, had some food and watched Pulp Fiction and cuddled which was really nice. So afterwards he was leaving for boys night. Cody proved something to me that day, spending it with me in the ER, and it made me trust him more, feel more… I don’t know, like it was an actual real relationship. Because I felt that things had progressed or I felt that sense of security or safety or whatever, I didn’t mind letting him go out for boys night.

Now, for me, in the past, boys night, with my past boyfriends was dangerous territory. With Monster… well, it meant the potential for cheating. With Eric, it meant drinking to excess and possible mistakes being made or just really bad decisions. See because of my past, and my ex’s, I guess I do have warped ideas about certain things, but that’s only because that’s all I’ve known. Monster, I hated that he would drink and get drunk, or get high in front of me. It sucked. I hated that Eric would, before we dated, be so controlling of me and my drinking. I hated that all he thought about was what girl he could lay the night we went out to some party. Then when we were together, when we got back to school, he was invited to this party and wasn’t allowed to take me. Bull fucking shit. He just didn’t want me to go, and I figured it was because he was starting to look for someone else. I mean, he broke up with me a week or so after, so hey, what can I say?

So as you see, boys night, or drinking and getting drunk, for me, leads to bad things. It brings up a lot of bad emotions. But I told Cody I trusted him, to go out with the guys and have a couple drinks. I spent the evening watching TV and trying to not fall asleep. By 10:30 I was exhausted and went to bed. It’s funny though, as I was getting dressed for bed and grabbed Cody’s boxers to wear I had this bad feeling in my stomach, one feeling I know all too well.

See, in the past, I’ve tried to stay on the positive side with my ex’s going out and having fun or other things, but there were those days where I got that feeling and things weren’t good.

I decided to put Cody’s boxers on and ignore the bad feeling and just toss it off as me being worried or paranoid. I couldn’t shake the feeling though, so I didn’t do what I normally did for comfort when Cody isn’t there to sleep with me. I usually spray his axe on the pillow next to me so it’s as if he is there, at least scent wise. I didn’t do that last night though, because I felt this bad feeling and I just didn’t want to be let down.

I fall asleep. I don’t know what time it is, but I’m woken up and Cody is there in my room, drunk. I swear the front door was locked when I went upstairs, he says it was unlocked and that’s how he got in. I knew he was coming over, but I did not expect this. It’s not fun to be woken up and realize your boyfriend is drunk and he drove home like that.

I was so angry. I had to write out a letter of all my feelings so I wouldn’t explode on him because he didn’t need that. I didn’t want to over react or yell. I wanted to process my feelings and talk in a healthy way. It’s been a goal of mine to take a minute before talking when angry, that way real communication and progress can take place. Cody got back from the bathroom and saw the note. “Can I read this in the bathroom? I don’t want you to see me crying.” He said that and I was shocked. I had no idea he would cry. I mean, he knew I was not happy at all with him, but that was a shock. I let him have the letter.

He came back and he laid on the bed and started crying, like for real crying, like a real fucking cry. He kept saying how sorry he was. I was so shocked I had no idea what to do for a second. I told him I knew he was sorry and that he just can’t ever get that drunk again or drive like that again. We did end up talking about it once he calmed down. I told him why I got so angry (Eric and Monster issues) and I know he is not the cheating type, but the thing that worried me was the driving home drunk part. Cody and I made a deal that neither of us would ever drive intoxicated. That’s why I was so mad. He broke our deal, that’s what hurt. If anything had happened to him last night I would have felt like it was my fault because I told him to go have a boys night. Hell, if… I don’t even want to think about it, but I don’t know what I would have done if anything had happened. He told me not to let him go over three drinks, and to not let him drive if he ever did get over three drinks, and I told him I would do that for him.

So my anger and hurt came from a place of caring. I care about him so much which was why I was so mad and couldn’t believe it. It was like he was a different person. I don’t know, it’s just last night shook me. I felt like we had made so much progress that day in the ER and it felt like it all was lost or came crumbling down, and that’s why I was sad when I woke up this morning.

Hopefully everyone else is having a good day!

XOXO Anna

Tattoo’s, Panic Attacks, Playfulness, and Fear

I did go to support Hannah yesterday with getting her tattoo. On the drive over though it was pouring rain. I hate driving on highways in pouring rain because it reminds me of Monster. I had chest pains on the way there and the girls greeted me with hugs and asked if I was okay. I explained the chest pain thing and this girl who we’ll call Lexie took me outside for a walk. Lexie is awesome, she is one of my favorite girls in treatment. Apparently all the girls had a rough time after treatment ended. I won’t go into details because it’s their business. My chest pains eventually stopped and we headed back to the tattoo parlor.

We got back to the parlor and my pains came back. I think it was because I associate tattoo parlors with my sister and because me and my sister are not good I was getting anxious over it. One of the girls was also not feeling well so Lexie, me and her went across the street and Lexie started blasting this music that she got while in Africa. It was very happy and they started dancing. I laughed and then the other girl grabbed my hands and the three of us were dancing like idiots while the guys at the tattoo shop were outside smoking and laughing at us.

We headed back in and eventually Hannah was ready to get her tattoo. All the frew girls were there cheering her on and helping her. One girl said she was going to faint while Hannah was getting her tattoo. Hannah started to freak out to me and another girl and was begging one of us to get the other girl out. Lexie eventually got the other girl out. Hannah had to take a break because she started to panic. After fifteen minutes Hannah was ready to start again as long as it was me and two other girls in the room. We coached her through the rest of the tattoo and I had to leave and said goodbye.

Getting home I told Cody he could come over whenever because he planned on cooking dinner. I was in my room dancing and trying to stay in a positive mood when Cody came over. I even bought myself roses the other day because I thought it would help keep my mood up.

It was around nine or so and Cody came over. Dinner didn’t end up getting eaten until like past midnight. We had sex, twice. But there was a hiccup. He asked me if I was into anything else besides “normal” sex. That’s where it went downhill. I’m not going into detail about this but I told him of something that turned me on, and well… he had to know that asking that question meant I had to learn I liked it from a past experience. I don’t know if it was the jealousy thing but he was not happy and we got over it. I think he started to tickle me or something and then things became really playful which I loved. That’s one thing I do love, is how playful we can be. It is sweet and fun. After that Cody was telling me I needed to eat. I refused, but he let me “tickle torture” him. See, he is seriously ticklish on his back and I don’t know why but I love to tickle him and see his reaction. I think its a mixture of adorable, cute and funny. After that he was telling me we needed to eat. I, of course was great at distracting him, which is when we had sex for the second time that night.

I finally said I would eat and we went down to make food. My sister had pasta cooking and I started to make rice. She came in and walked out. I turned her pasta off and took it out of the water. I put it in a bowl and grabbed a fork and cheese. Cody said she went to the basement. I went down and started to say, “I brought your-” and she cut me off and screamed, “GET OUT!”

I put the bowl of pasta on the ping pong table and scurried upstairs back to the kitchen. I was explaining to Cody what happened when we both heard a smash. I assume she knocked the bowl of pasta off the table. There are things I don’t want to get into about my sister and me, but let’s just say hearing that was a bit triggering for me and brought up some old memories.

I ended up eating and we went to bed, but it was hard to sleep. I was scared. I was thinking about all the memories and the fear. I told Cody to cuddle me so I could get to sleep easier. He did and I did actually fall asleep but I later woke up. I kept waking up too. I don’t think I got good sleep last night because I was a bit hyper-vigilant.

Cody says my sister is being a bitch. I am not fond of that, but I can agree she is being unreasonable and stubborn. But see, to me and my family this behavior is nothing new, it’s actually old behavior that hasn’t presented itself in a good five years. To Cody this is new, so maybe he just isn’t used to this dynamic.

Maybe my sister is acting like a bitch? I honestly don’t think so. Maybe that’s not my definition of what a bitch is. See, to me a bitch is another term like slut, whore, cunt, etc. I don’t use those. They are just negative words to describe a girls behavior. I don’t like it. Where are all the words for guys? Bastard? Okay, let’s have more. Seriously. I wish there were a lot of negative terms for guys because I would be calling guys bad terms all the time because of how much I tend to hate guys at times. Sorry, I just don’t like that Cody says my sister’s acting like a bitch. Yeah, my sister may be pissed at me but I will always defend her. As I posted earlier, I play the role of a sister, and my job is to protect her and defend her.

But seriously, I don’t think my sister is being a bitch. I think she is just not mature enough and she is falling back on her traits of being stubborn with a hot temper. It’s sad to see her be so stubborn and it’s also sad to see her just digging herself deeper and deeper into this hole of anger. I don’t like seeing that, and I don’t want her to take her anger out on me or anyone else.

This situation is really hard on me. I’ve had urges to burn or cut, but haven’t. But yesterday when Lexie and I took a walk, we got a snack and there were these lighters…and I only use a specific lighter to burn, I won’t burn with anything else, it’s not as satisfying. I was so close to buying one, but didn’t because I knew Cody would not be happy with me. But even after we had sex I was thinking about how I still had self-harm urges, and especially after she broke that bowl.

 

That lead Cody and I to talking about how we both deal with anger. He explodes and wants to hurt other people where as I implode and want to hurt myself. See, when we had that hiccup he was talking about how he wanted to hurt the guy and I was distressed hearing that. I’m sure Cody gets distressed hearing me talk about the urge to self-harm. But yeah, I guess we handle anger and being upset in different ways.

Not sure if my sister will go to this family therapy session later today, but my parents are going to go. Even if they just go, it will be helpful so we as a family can talk about how to handle my sister and how to move forward. It’s upsetting everyone in the house. It’s not a healthy environment right now. I’m really hoping that something gets solved today or that we have a game plan on how to handle this or what to do.

XOXO Anna