Life is a Balancing Act

Between being a wife, a mom, a student, a relationship coach, and a victim advocacy intern, life is a bit crazy right now.

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When I am home, I am with Baby A or working, and if I am not home, I am at school or my internship learning and working. I also, with my relationship coaching, have to run the blog side, which entails of accepting and reading guest posts, making sure my regular contributors are meeting deadlines, making sure the content calendar is solid. I feel like I don’t get a moments rest most days. Oh, and don’t forget reformer pilates and couples therapy somewhere in all there!

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Last night was different, Cody and I were able to have an amazing date night at home. My mom got him a wok and a cookbook for Asian foods since that’s our favorite. He ended up making an amazing meal and we watched “Life As We Know It.” The funny thing is, we watched that movie when we were first dating and I was thinking I am not having kids, and Cody figured kids were far off in the future. Little did we know that Baby A would be arriving only two years later! But we loved the movie, even more, this time around. We appreciated those new parenting moments and laughed at how accurate some of those scenes were.

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Given that I’ve realized how busy we are, I decided to make my coaching hours between two days instead of three, that way we have one weekend day to ourselves. Cody, once school starts wants to work Saturdays from 5am-1pm. Which means I coach on Saturdays from 2:30pm to 8:00pm if I am 100% booked that day. I love the scene with Holly and Messer and the scheduling board because honestly, with how busy we are, I can’t keep track of Cody’s schedule as well. I used to be able to know both our schedules, but with a kid, it’s been more challenging to remember.

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My goal, though, is to make sure Cody and I get “us” time every week. Last nights date was amazing and honestly, with the holidays and finals, we were just running around constantly. It was so nice to just sit down with him and relax. Plus…the amazing sex afterward didn’t hurt as well! Seriously, making sure your sex life is stable while having a baby is a HUGE challenge. It takes planning. Yes, planning. Cody fought that concept for so long, but because we did cave to it, it’s been so helpful for us to stay connected.

What are some ways you make sure to make “you” or “couple” time when your life is busy?

XOXO Anna

Christmas with a Baby is… Challenging

Cody and I love Baby A but we definitely struggled this year with getting around to all the family. Christmas Eve, we left Baby A home because he is teething with back molars coming in.

Christmas day we all opened presents as quickly as possible for Baby A’s sake. Cody totally outdid me for Christmas! He got me a cappuccino/latte Keurig machine! I was totally shocked. He also got me a typewriter, and a huge whiteboard with a section for a yearly calendar, goals, priorities, notes, etc to help me with my business. I got Cody tons of car tools and stuff which he loved! We got Baby A some really fun developmental toys.

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We later went to one of his aunt’s house with Baby A but once everyone was arriving it was too loud, so Cody took Baby A home and my parents watched him and Cody came back. It was a great evening with family.

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Today I will help my mom with making a post-Christmas dinner, and then have a weekly business meeting with my mastermind where we push each other to meet our goals and keep one another accountable.

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I have a couple beta testing my relationship coaching program and they have their first session on Friday! That means making sure someone is home to watch Baby A. I am so excited to work with them because their issues are exactly what my program tackles – communication, trust/fears, and sex. I also have my singles client on Friday and it’s his last session before graduating! He went from coming into the program dead set on winning his ex-wife back to coming to the realization that he doesn’t actually want her romantically anymore and is focusing on rebuilding his life. I am so proud of him and the work he has done. I absolutely love seeing the transformation of my clients and knowing my programs work.

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To me, part of my Christmas was knowing that my clients are in a better place, accomplishing their romantic and personal goals. I really look forward to working with the other couples that are interested, but wanted to wait until the holidays were over. I am so excited for 2019! So many plans and goals.

I hope you all had an amazing holiday season and I hope you all have an amazing 2019!

XOXO Anna

Soccer, in the Basement, with a Tennis Ball

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So Cody had a brilliant idea of playing soccer in the basement with a tennis ball and empty diaper boxes as goals last week. Tonight we ended up playing again. Baby A absolutely loves it when we play. He gets so excited and follows whoever is running. Parenting can be really fun. Family moments like these are the best. We don’t always get time to just relax and have fun.

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Mainly we are living “real life” with real-life responsibilities and such. We don’t make enough time for fun. Honestly, I hope we do this at least once a week. With how competitive Cody and I are with each other it really does make for a great night together. Cody ended up winning, which was a shock. He couldn’t aim at all, and his shots were way off base at least 70% of the time. I was on the floor dying of laughter at points. It’s been a while since I’ve laughed like that.

What are some fun things you do with your significant other?

XOXO Anna

What is the Disconnect???

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Obviously Undiscovered and Exposed has been around for a while, since 2014 actually, which to me, is crazy to think about! My other company/site has been around technically since August 2017 but I moved it to my own domain in Jan 2018.

On here I have 4x the amount of people following me, and I get more responses, likes, comments, etc. on here… so I wonder, what is the disconnect?

Am I just better at being anonymous? haha …Or, is it that because it’s anonymous I don’t hold back on here and I am less professional with my writing? Is it because it’s journal-style rather than educational? Or, is it because this entire blog here is a story, and it’s fun to follow a story and see where the story goes?

I guess I am just wondering how I can bring a little Anonymous Anna to my company… Maybe I’ll write a post from the perspective of Anonymous Anna and see how that goes.

I am not sure what to think though about that…but I’ll try it!

But I have to say, it’s nice to be back, here. I think I needed space to think, to get clarity without sharing everyone in an online blog. I definitely have clarity and a direction now. I know where I am going, my goals, and have learned so much in just one year.

I definitely want to write about what I’ve learned from being the partner of a porn addict, about porn addiction, betrayal trauma, and obviously about the first year of marriage with a kid as well. Those will be separate posts.

Anyways, I hope you all are doing well, and I appreciate the likes yesterday. I didn’t actually know if anyone would even remember this blog or me.

XOXO Anna

Recovery

Cody and I have been doing very well for the past month. We started couples therapy, EFT specifically and it has been one of the best decisions we’ve made in our recovery as a couple together!

In a couple days, it will be a year of Cody being clean and in recovery. It’s crazy to think a year has gone by since I found out about his addiction, but we have made so much progress, both as individuals and as a couple. Cody even got an A- in Statistics! He hasn’t gotten an A in almost four years! He really has made so many improvements to his work and educational life. I still have plenty of triggers, but some triggers aren’t as bad anymore, and 95% of the time I realize his addiction has nothing to do with me. Only if it’s a day full of triggers do I get those thoughts of not being good enough.

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Cody asked me out on a date for Saturday, which was cute! I can’t wait to go on a date, we haven’t been on a date in about a month or so. So, it will be very nice to just go out, have dinner, talk, and go to the beach where we met almost 2 years ago.

Also, everything is good with the baby. We have an appointment in a week and a half and then near the end of June, we are going to find out the gender!! We can’t wait!

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Overall, it seems like things are going much better these past couple months. I am very happy about the progress and honestly, lately, it seems like we are finding “our love” again. It’s been very nice to hang out with him and just have fun. Back in the first couple months after I found out I couldn’t have fun with him, let alone be alone with him without being in pain. These days I enjoy his company much more. I think it’s because we have been talking a lot with each other, about a variety of subjects, but we’ve talked about the addiction a bit more and I think it’s been helping me process, and be able to move forward more.

XOXO Anna

Becoming a Parent

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I never thought I would be becoming a parent before I turn 24. My mom always had this vision for me. She knocked into my head, school, career, marriage, kids. I am currently close to getting my bachelors, only 9 classes left after I take 2 summer classes. I also want to possibly do volunteer work at a rape crisis center or the center for family justice in my county. Of course, I would have to wait a year or so to do that. Hopefully, I’d be able to do that while getting my Masters in Counseling, though I really have no idea what my life is going to be like at that point.

I am 14 weeks pregnant, and though the changes in my body make me squirm with discomfort on those days I feel insecure, the days I feel excited I see my body as something that protects my unborn child. I can’t wait until I have that ever so popularly known baby belly and can feel the baby kick. I think that will make it “more real” in my head. Not that I don’t think it’s not happening, it’s just there’s no obvious sign I’m pregnant. I’ve been lucky with minimal nausea and no vomiting, and some light cramping that probably is due to the uterus growing. Other than those discomforts and no period, my life hasn’t changed that dramatically.

We did pick out names! Cody and I liked Xander for a boy and Violet for a girl. I can definitely say that I didn’t expect to have a kid so young, mainly because I wanted to be financially secure and in my career beforehand. I am coming to the acceptance that I have to be flexible and rework the plan I had in my head for myself.

I cannot tell you how ridiculously excited I am to actually be a mother. I honestly wasn’t sure when I would feel the excitement but over the past week or so I’ve been having more exciting moments than anxious moments. The thought of seeing my baby and bonding with the baby just makes me smile. I plan to love this kid with all my heart. I only want the best for my kid, and for my kid to have good values, and be a kind person. I know that my kid won’t have all the newest and nicest toys or electronics, but I would hope that the love that Cody and I provide will outweigh the desire for the new things.

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The one thing I am struggling with is giving all the love I can to this child and balancing school. Also if I want to volunteer at a center (it’s only 2 shifts per month) I would have to make sure that Cody, my parents, or a babysitter could look after the child. Is it possible to do it all? Finish a bachelors, start a masters, be a mom, and possibly volunteer, and be a wife? And yes, I caught Cody buying the ring, and also know that he has the ring somewhere hidden in his car.

I know that being a parent means sacrifice and that it means putting your child first. I also know that I want to help people, hence being a counselor and wanting to be a volunteer at a crisis center. I just don’t know how to balance those two things. I also know that I want Cody to not feel like I’m giving the baby all of the attention, I’ve read that some husbands feel neglected when a baby is first in the house because the baby does need a lot of attention. I know Cody and I will work something out.

I guess it’s the perfectionist in me worrying about doing or being it all. I don’t want to let anyone down – Cody, the baby, my parents, or myself- and that’s what I am struggling with.

Any moms want to comment and share how they handled juggling the many demands of life?

XOXO Anna

I’ve Been MIA because…I’m Pregnant

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I haven’t been on posting because I found out I was pregnant a month or so ago. I am 9 weeks and had the first ultrasound this week. Everything looks good. Cody and I are really excited! I just didn’t want to post this until I got the first ultrasound, hence the radio silence on my end. I am not sure how I’m going to tell people. Our families know, and now it’s about telling friends. I am not sure how they will react. I hope positively. I’ve told maybe 3 close friends so far and they have been positive about it. I know, I am 23 and most people will think that’s young. Hell I think it’s young, and this wasn’t planned but we are really excited for this. That is why I haven’t been on, trying to hold this news in until the first ultrasound and everything was cleared by the doctor.

XOXO Anna

Cody’s Mother…

She is still being difficult. Last time I posted about Cody’s mom we were supposed to go over to her house. When we went over, she refused to look at me or acknowledge I spoke. It took at least fifteen minutes of me trying to engage in the conversation for her to look at me, and then would give me a short answer.

We then the next day went to her brother’s surprise party. She acted completely normal in front of me, as if she didn’t have any issue. She put on a good show since Cody’s dad was there and her boyfriend was there. Her boyfriend had told her that she had no reason to be upset with me because I’ve done nothing wrong.

So, for about a week or two weeks, Cody has been trying to get his phone line off his mom’s account. She didn’t do it this past Sunday like she said she would. He messaged her earlier this week, and she didn’t reply. He texted her this morning. The only reason she texted was because he changed the pin on the account when trying to contact verizon to get his line off.

She texted, “Did you change my pin”

He replied, “I tried calling Verizon to see if they can remove my number from your plan because you won’t. I know you’re busy but come on I’m sure you’ve had plenty of time”

She replied, “Cody, stop it! Today is my first day off and I planned on getting to you. You still owe $95 to and I could say the same to you”

He replied, “I wanted this done before this billing period, you said you’d take care of it. It’s almost been a week and I’m still on your plan”

She said, “Come by after work and we’ll take care of it”

He replied, “I hope so this time”

She said, “Knock it off don’t be so rude”

It’s getting to be exhausting dealing with her childish behavior.

 

XOXO Anna

 

Relationship With Mom

Since I got out of treatment, my mom and I have been working on our relationship. I honestly thought this time was different. I am not sure how much I’ve really mentioned my relationship with my mother on this blog, but it has been superficial.

I love my mom. I want my mom. I know, I am 23 but I still need her. I think I’ll always want her, but I don’t know if I’ll ever really have her. I don’t think I’ve ever “really” had her. I know that she cares, I just think she might not be capable of showing it in the ways mothers usually show they care.

In treatment, we had family sessions each week. In those sessions, my mother and I addressed many issues and topics that were keeping our relationship in a tense place. My mother expressed that she mothered the way she thought was best. She thought signing me up for as many activities as possible was showing her care because she never had that growing up. I think she showed her love through money. I don’t want to sound harsh, but I think she didn’t realize the emotional needs of a child after the age of seven, or she just worked too much.

I know these days women work just as much as men, and that is great. I just don’t think my parents anticipated how much their new company would consume them. I want to make clear that I am not blaming my parents in any way. I am just giving my opinion. I know they did the best they could.

I just wonder why my mom can’t be emotional. I know her parents were distant, and she grew up to be independent, strong, and tough. Not everyone has that personality, though, especially not my sister and me. Not to say we don’t have those qualities, but we are sensitive as well. I am closer to my dad than my mom, and my sister is as well. My sister once told me that she doesn’t have a chance at having a relationship with mom, but she saw that I had a chance. She told me to fight for that relationship. Since she told me that I have fought. I have tried my hardest to have a relationship with my mom, but some days I am not sure it’s possible. Other days I think it is. The worst part in all this is the back and forth, the uncertainty, which leaves an emotionally unsafe place to be in.

Last week I went over to my parents to cook with my mom because that was part of the bonding we thought would be good, and it’s good for my recovery to learn how to cook. When I walked through the door in sweat pants and Cody’s t-shirt my mom instantly criticized the way I looked. She then commented on my hair after insulting the outfit. I was very hurt and felt self-conscious but paused. I didn’t yell or explode, instead, I told her I felt like she was projecting and asked what was going on in her life. She admitted to projecting and talked about the stress. That was something we have never done. That was huge progress. It made me hopeful. She also really wanted me to join her gym and go with her twice a week. I’ll admit I was nervous because that’s a commitment. I wasn’t sure whether our new relationship was going to last, but because she was so confident in her decision I started to hope.

Yesterday I talked to my mom about many things and got to the topic of buying books for class. My dad was being strange about it, so she said she would chip in to help me afford it. I was thinking, “wow, my mom really cares and is stepping up her game.” She asks when she can give me the money, and I said that since we had therapy she could give it to me then. She said she couldn’t make therapy (she also canceled last week’s therapy session). I said that was okay. I also asked if she knew if a dietician was in our insurance plan because I need one. She replies, “You don’t need a dietician Anna, please you are fine. You can do this yourself.” I don’t fight her on that, even though I was crushed and hurt. I then continue the conversation of therapy and when she can come. She, in the end, said she could maybe do therapy once a month but said she feels we don’t need it. Meanwhile, before we talked about therapy, she was asking me to come to work today to help out, and when I asked about being paid she said she shouldn’t be paying me because I am family. In the end when she said she thinks we don’t need therapy I told her I wasn’t coming into work and hung up.

After that conversation, I was broken. I felt scared, abandoned and family-less. I’ve already pretty much lost India since she never replies to me, my mom and I were trying to work it out and I feel as if I’ve lost that, and if I lose mom then I, in turn, lose my dad who will be on her side.

I have given my mother many chances to be there emotionally for me, to be closer, to help, and so on. It’s been three years of chances. I really thought this time was going to be different, and maybe it will turn out to be okay…but I feel hopeless right now since she just lost the trust that was slowly being earned.

I am not someone who trusts easily. Sadly, I trusted my mom and that she wanted a relationship (that’s deeper than a kiddie pool). I am not sure if my mom is just scared of having a relationship or what, but I do know that her actions have been quite hurtful and now I feel scared. I am scared to talk to my mom, scared to hang out with her, and scared to try again. I’ll get over it, but I hate feeling scared. I am sure if she knew any of what I was feeling she would apologize, but I don’t know if she would change her mind about therapy or about a dietician. She always “knows” what I “need” and don’t “need.” When I ask for something and she dismisses it, like she has done for as long as I can remember, I doubt myself and knowing what I need. I just want this cycle to end.

If I could have a relationship with my mom it would be both of us communicating honestly, and openly -no secrets. It would be us being able to say what we each need, and both of us accepting those needs. I guess it comes down to being supportive and accepting. I hope one day we can get there…

XOXO Anna

 

The Holidays

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This year was the first year that I celebrated Christmas without my sister. If you’ve read my blog, you will know that my sister ran away a little over a year ago. Of course, we ended up finding her and she is safe, but the relationship with her is still fragile. This Christmas was very hard on my parents and granddad. Apparently my granddad cried himself to sleep a couple nights before Christmas because my sister wasn’t here.

I know I’ve been off this holiday season as well. I’ve definitely been sad because my sister isn’t here and that last christmas eve was when I was starting to really see that Cody had a porn problem.

Even with all that sadness, I think I had a pretty good holiday season over all. Cody and I spent time with my parents and granddad, and we spent time with Cody’s family.

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Family. That word has always been so loaded for me. I am adopted and I haven’t really thought much of it. At least not until my sister ran away. I’ve definitely thought about it over the years at different times, but lately, I’ve felt out of place even more so than I ever have. I guess with India gone it seems so lonely. To me, India and I were always more of a family than India, me, and my parents together. Maybe because we both bonded over being adopted and felt closer to each other because of that.

I was talking with Cody about family, and how I feel so out of place. I guess I’ve noticed it more now that I’ve been in a serious relationship where family dinners and gatherings happen and I will go to them. This year Cody’s grandparents got me a Christmas present, and that means something. This year Cody’s dad and siblings got me a present that only family members get every year -socks. It’s a joke because every year the dad gets the kids socks along with other gifts, so they got me socks and other things. That moment made me feel so part of the family. And lately these days I feel more accepted by Cody’s family, not that they ever made me not feel accepted, but I feel more a part of them.

The moms side of the family had a get together yesterday and everyone on that side was there. They did a family photo thing, and one of the aunts asked me to take the family picture. That made me feel so out of place. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there, or that I was just an outsider. Of course, Cody’s mom said I was a part of the family and to not dwell on that. But I guess I was shocked at myself for being sensitive to that. I never expected myself to be sensitive to that, but I was. I think I was sensitive because Cody lately has felt like the closest thing to family that I have. With India gone, and my parents relationship being up and down, Cody has been my constant. He has been stable, and also his dad has been stable. So I guess I felt thrown when I was taking the family photo. I mean, Cody’s moms boyfriend was in the picture, and they aren’t married. I know that the boyfriend has been her boyfriend since Cody’s parents divorce, but I just felt so…rejected maybe?

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But besides that, the holidays have been nice. I know that New Years is coming up and that means more family get togethers and get togethers with friends, so I will prepare myself for any emotional stuff that might be brought up. I think I also want to maybe address my adoption in therapy more. I honestly haven’t thought about the fact that I am adopted until a couple weeks ago, and I actually sat down to think about how adoption has affected my life. It’s not been a bad thing at all. It’s just being adopted has always made me have a different perspective on family. Family isn’t made from blood but by people that you love.

XOXO Anna

Finals are Over! Education Still On the Brain…

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I am so happy that finals are over! No more stress, finally. Cody and I are also doing really well since last wednesday when we had a therapy session together. We were having issues with initiation of intimacy, and we solved it with if the candle is lit one of us is in the mood and open to the other person initiating. It’s solved a lot of our arguments.

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Even though finals just happened, I am thinking about next semester already. I am even thinking further than next semester. I am really excited about school and my education, and yeah I am a nerd. I fully admit it and am proud. For the longest time I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to do with psychology. I love psychology, law, and law enforcement. So when talking to one of my professors earlier this semester about his study on jurors and then my mom suggesting watching Bull, I realized there was a whole field in psychology I didn’t know about. Trial science. I know it’s nothing like the show Bull, but from what my professor and articles online have explained, it seems very interesting. Something that I might want to pursue or look further into.

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Treatment has been going well, and I have 3 weeks left before I discharge, which is really great. Center for Discovery definitely is an amazing treatment center for eating disorders. Much better than Renfrew in my experience. Tonight is family night, and Cody and my parents are coming. Also, my relationship with my mom has improved ten fold because of the family sessions we’ve been having. It’s nice, especially since Christmas is coming up.

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Speaking of Christmas, I got presents for my parents and Cody. I don’t have any for his family, and neither does he, so later this week we have to go do that. Christmas is a great time of year but also extremely stressful the week of. So many people are rushing around shopping, driving recklessly, and so set on getting everything on their list. I know that I haven’t gotten everything I wished I could have gotten for everyone but I am doing my best not to stress about it. In reality Christmas should be about spending time with those you love more than the gifts. I know that I got Cody things he wanted, and I got my mom something she wanted, and got my dad something that I personally think he would like, but I didn’t shower them in a million gifts. It will just be nice to have Christmas morning with all of them and have a nice family breakfast.

I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season!

XOXO Anna

 

Couples Therapy

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Cody and I talked a lot yesterday before couples therapy. At work I installed a web browser blocker and blocked a lot of porn sites and words that could bring up porn, and the funny thing is that when one searches a term that is blocked it redirects to another page, that you can set…so I set it to redirect to the picture of Cody and I in the beginning of our relationship, we were kissing in a coffee shop, and it’s really a sweet picture. So I feel a bit better about Cody going to work now, though I still have anxiety.

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We switched phones at the beginning of this week since it was his phone and the work computer he used for his addiction. I haven’t yet found something to block sites and words for his phone, so that has been a bummer for both of us. I know Cody wants his phone back but I need to have a certain level of trust gained back before I give him his phone, which he used to feed his addiction.

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In therapy we made a lot of progress. We talked about a lot of things, like the things we’ve progressed on and the things that I personally am still trying to work to get over. My goal is to obviously be able to forgive Cody and look back at the past without feeling pain. I’m not there yet but I’m working on it. I also am working on trying to understand how Cody could have let us sign a year lease together, knowing that if I found out about his addiction there was a possibility of me leaving. Cody and I have talked about it, and we talked in therapy about it, and the therapist helped me understand a bit more.

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Also surprise! My sister is back in town and no one told me. Yesterday my mom texted me that she was arriving late last night and I was completely thrown off guard. If you’ve read my blog you will know that things have been tense with my sister. If not,this can give you an idea of what happened. So I am not only trying to stay strong and keep Cody going in recovery, but now I have to make sure I am there enough for my sister while she is here too. I’m a bit stressed to say the least…

XOXO Anna

Therapy and Healing

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Cody and I went to therapy on friday to talk about all the things we either weren’t talking about or had miscommunications about. It helped for sure. We have a check up session in two 2 weeks. We also had amazing sex last night at my parents house in my bedroom. It brought back a lot of memories of when we were first together. Tomorrow marks a year of us meeting and then the 18th is when he asked me to be his girlfriend. We are trading gifts, but Cody hasn’t gotten his yet. I already have one of the two that I’m giving him. We also were going to get matching tattoo’s with our initial’s in the tattoo, like the one I got with my sister, but at the moment money is really tight, so we are putting that off until the end of the month or beginning of next month when we have the money, so that’s a gift we are getting together.

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Tomorrow I have to take Emily and Luvas to the vet, which is going to cost a lot, and then I’m baby-sitting that afternoon into the evening,and Cody and I will trade our first gift tomorrow night, and then the other on the 18th. But things are turning around for Cody and me.

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Also we’ve figured out I am better at finances than he is, since that is where most of the stress has been coming from. He just isn’t as organized as I am so I got this app Wally, which is a great app, and have folders and am keeping everything organized. This month so far we’ve spent more than normal because of getting gifts and other finances (like parking tickets) and stuff. Overall living together in our own place was originally strange, but I think we are getting used to the place and getting used to our new routine and communicating a lot better lately which is really helping. Seriously glad things are turning around for us!

XOXO Anna

Memorial Day Weekend

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I haven’t posted since last week and that is because last week was finals, a friend visited for the weekend, and I gave Cody a surprise birthday party. I know three weeks after his birthday, which is why he never saw it coming.

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But the weekend was eventful. It was nice having my friend visit. Cody loved his party. We had been arguing a lot last week and we figured out what was going on with us. It was money stress. We both had been stressed because our rent was coming up, which we paid yesterday. But Cody and I talked! We talked about it, and later that night we talked about other things that were on our minds. The fact that we talked made me feel so good.

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Oh! Also we got a kitten, her name is Emily. Luvas before we got her was crying a lot and seemed lonely. We got a kitten and he originally hid under the bed for the first few days but now, a week since we’ve gotten her, and they can sit on the couch together. Luvas does need his space from her at times (like at night) but he doesn’t mind being in the same room as her or her following him around (with a couple feet in between of course). But it takes cats a while to get used to each other. That’s another thing. Cody and I have been like parents since we moved out.

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Luvas, before we got Emily kept us up all night every night crying because we wouldn’t give him attention. Now Emily sometimes keeps us up, or Luvas will if Emily is causing him stress. Since I am officially out of school, and Cody still have work in the morning, I do the “night-shift” with our cats. I’ve been up since 3:30 am. I eventually got out of bed at 5:30 am and started organizing our finances and looking over bank stuff while keeping the cats occupied so Cody could sleep. I’m crazy exhausted, but at least I can nap at some point in the day so I can feel rested.

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Also I got grades back! I got an A in my abnormal psych class and my police class. I am still waiting to hear from sociology, but I think I got an A…and if I did then I will have gotten straight A’s, and have a 4.0 GPA which I’ve never accomplished. So fingers crossed I got an A in sociology!

Cody just came stumbling out of the bedroom wondering why I was up…he is so cute!

XOXO Anna

Stressed to the Max

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It’s spring break and I finished my rough draft of my Sociology paper, which I chose to write as a blog post, which I want to post once I edit it. Then I still have my police paper to write, but I have to finish listening to Serial Podcast and then I can start trying to write it. I then am meeting the child I am going to hopefully babysit on saturday. It’s not really a babysitter since she is 11, but its more of just watching her and taking her to her activities. It will help bring in some extra money, which Cody and I will need.

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I’ve mentioned that Cody and I are trying to move out. Well, it’s been hectic. Last week we saw the apartment, we LOVED it. We got the application, we filled everything out, we worked out a budget (I even am getting a part-time babysitting job)…everything is done except for his dad signing the cosign for the application. This is the application! Not even the lease. I’m scared that we are going to lose our hold on this apartment. I am praying to the gods that by the time Cody gets his dad to do the paper work and us turning it in that the apartment is still available…Fingers crossed!

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Also I’ve tried talking to India, and she is very upset. She feels our parents love me more simply because they are giving me more money for the apartment than they give her. I explained that Cody, mom, dad, and I all sat down and came up with the budget based on our spending and we even cut the budget down by $200 working with them. So I just hope India and I are okay. Cody and I are moving out simply so India can come home over the summer. She refuses to come home if Cody is here, so we are moving out for India. Don’t get me wrong, Cody and I want to move out, we just didn’t expect to be moving out this soon. We wanted to save more before doing this.

Hope everything works out though!

XOXO Anna

Improvement, Cody’s Friends, and Sister Drama

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Cody and I had a serious talk as I mentioned and honestly it helped. Cody didn’t go LARPing last weekend. He stayed with me when I asked him to stay. I honestly wasn’t okay, and am so thankful for him to be here. Cody really showed me he was putting in the effort and cared about me by skipping LARP. It really means the world to me. We also had an amazing night going to Stop n Shop together and cooking last weekend. We cuddled, watched TV, and had an amazing time. We also didn’t have sex that weekend but we did other stuff and honestly I felt better doing that than sex at that moment.

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I saw some of Cody’s friends last Saturday. I can’t explain now but I will explain down the line why I was with them. But it was awesome to see them. Things are turning around. I honestly really do have hope about Cody and I getting better now. Him skipping LARP showed me that he really does care and love me.

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This whole week Cody has been amazing in showing me he loves me by just grabbing ginger ale if we are out or giving me a massage surprisingly, or us having sex when I didn’t even expect it which was nice. Cody and I are really actually finally in a good place.

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I am also seeing more of Cody’s friends today, again it’s the thing I can’t mention yet, but then later tonight Cody and I have to go to Serena’s birthday dinner bar hopping thing. Not looking forward to that because we have to drive a half hour to go do that.

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So India and I talked yesterday and she said that since Christmas our whole relationship had been fake. That hurt, because I’ve honestly been trying to show her I care and love her by calling or texting every week and talking about her life and such. It really hurt and I had the urge to cut but I didn’t. I just hope that India and I do actually make up.

XOXO Anna

Breakdown, a Call from my Sister, and Tough Love

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Last night was bad. Really bad. I broke down and it was extremely painful. I was really triggered. Cody and I were getting a drink before we headed home when he picked me up from the station, and I don’t know how but we got onto the topic of sex and blow jobs. Cody got turned on. We went home and I knew he wanted one, and he told me so many times that they weren’t important to him, that I shouldn’t ever give one if I don’t want to ( and he has said all this before, almost every time it’s mentioned) but I felt like I had to. Not because of him, but because of my past. So I gave one to him. When I stopped he knew right away from the look on my face I hadn’t wanted to do it and he got upset because he knew I wasn’t okay.

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I told him I was, he went to parkour, and I had a huge breakdown. I went to the shower to feel clean and I cried. I cried and cried. I screamed a horribly painful scream, that if one heard, they would think that person is in severe pain or being tortured. My screams even scared me. I texted Cody that I wasn’t okay. I eventually called my sister when I got out of the shower because all I wanted to do was self-harm or end it all because I didn’t want to feel all the feelings of abuse from the past.

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My sister had to talk to me, and I could tell something was off. I explained that Cody had told me not to if I didn’t want to, but because of my past I did it anyway. I then told her about Eric and how he shoved my head down and forced me to do that to him, and I think that’s when I could tell something was off with my sister. Eventually I told her I was okay (meaning I wasn’t going to end it all) and I went back to the bath with a safety pin and just cried again, not doing anything to hurt myself but crying. Cody came home and grabbed the safety pin, I screamed because I didn’t realize he was home.

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We ended up talking. My sister texted me for Cody’s number so she could call him and say things she figured I would never say to Cody, and she said she wasn’t going to yell at him. I stupidly believed her. Cody called India and took it in the game room while I sat in the bedroom still trying to calm down from the intense breakdown. At first I thought it was going okay and then I heard Cody say, “Of course I love her. I would never do anything to hurt her, I just want to protect her.” I knew it was going downhill from there. I didn’t hear everything but I was outside the door by the end of the conversation and Cody called me in.

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I sat on his lap and he said, “You’re sister really hates me. She hates me so much that she either wants me to leave you or for me to die.” Cody looked shattered. I know India can be very mean when she is angry. Cody said that from the conversation he had with her, he thinks that a guy forced her to go down on him. It’s true, out of all the times I’ve called her crying because of a trigger she has never called or wanted to talk to Cody until now. So maybe that is what happened. I don’t know, but it’s a suspicion. Cody and I are still shaken by what India said to him, including that he is a terrible human being who is breaking another human being (referring to me) and all this other shit, and saying that he doesn’t deserve me and that he should leave me, or that she thinks I want to leave him but wouldn’t and such. It was a really really intense bad conversation.

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This morning I had another talk with Cody. What my sister said really did hit me. I told Cody that he needed to put more effort in. I told him that if things keep going the way they are now, we really are not going to make it and won’t have a future together. I said that I deserve to be treated with respect, love, and care. I told him I don’t want to leave him, I love him, but I refuse to be with someone who does not respect me or care or love me (not that he doesn’t, he does, he just isn’t or hasn’t been showing it at all.)

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Cody agreed he got complacent, and he isn’t sure what happened or why, but he has promised that he will make the effort. I gave simple examples to him from the beginning of the relationship to now, like how if something was wrong, it didn’t matter what time it was he would be up and talking to me to make sure I didn’t go to bed crying. These days he says he is tired and goes to bed, and I sometimes cry myself to sleep a bit. Cody hated knowing that. That example made it clear to him that he really has gotten lazy with our relationship and he promised me he would do better.

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I really hope he keeps this promise, because I love him, and I would do anything for him, and I just hope he can do the same for me.

XOXO Anna

Family Friend Dinner, Best Boyfriend, and Easter

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Yesterday Cody shocked me. We had sex and I had came and then he was okay stopping. He was exhausted but he didn’t mind not coming, and if you’ve read my posts you will know my history with guys has been the opposite. It’s always the guy coming and me being unsatisfied.

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We then had a family friend dinner that night. He was finally meeting our family friends after like nine months. I was so excited. Cody was nervous. It honestly went really well. The one thing that really got me angry though was that my mom didn’t make me anything for dinner. If our family friends didn’t make a caesar salad I wouldn’t have eaten last night. My mom, as always, didn’t really make carbs. It just reminded me of all the dinners before that we’ve had with them, and my sister and I would get upset because mom wouldn’t make food for me, and I would always end up cooking for myself either right before we all sat down for dinner or when they were all eating.

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After dinner we played Celebrity. It’s a really fun game that we’ve been playing since we were kids with them. We each write down 5 celebrity names and have to end up guessing them with the hints we give. Cody got to play last night. I totally dominated, as always. But I guess I was a little too aggressive and competitive. So I felt bad about it. Even the family friends said I should calm down. Cody also said I was too intense.

*Trigger Warning to those with eating disorders for the paragraph below*

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The reason I got so annoyed during the game was because he wrote down Scarlett Johansson, which is the one actress I’ve had issues with. I have had multiple people tell me I look like her, which is a huge compliment, but I also feel insecure with that. I feel like she is a movie star, model, who is drop dead gorgeous, and here I am a normal girl. When Cody went out to stop n shop after dinner I ended up looking up pictures of her to torture myself and compare myself. I then looked up her measurements because I wanted to torture myself further, but it completely backfired. I have the same measurements as her pretty much. Same height, she weighs more than me, but we have the same bust and hop ratio and our waist ratio is off by one. One friend told me that the ideal women’s measurements were 36-24-36 (Bust, Waist, Hip ratio). I am 36-26-36. I am two inches off from that. Scarlett is 36-25-36. So this actress I’ve been comparing myself to, for years, I have found out we have almost the same measurements. I felt pretty stupid when I found that out, but at the same time a bit relieved. I guess I really do have an almost ideal hourglass figure, which to my anorexic mind, makes me feel better. Cody came home and found me with a ruler and string. I explained to him and he felt bad but at the same time was glad it backfired. He hates when I torture myself with comparing myself to other women.

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Then this morning I woke up to find a bouquet of flowers with an easter basket on our table. I knew Cody was getting something for me last night. It was sweet to wake up to that. We went out to brunch and that was nice. One of the family friends commented on a photo I posted and said, “Don’t know if you deserve it after last night :P” as a joke but then Cody said, “Yeah you don’t deserve it.” Probably as a joke, but I still feel really bad. I know it’s stupid, but now I really feel like I don’t deserve the roses (which I’ve told Cody I love as a random surprise) and the easter basket…

Hope everyone is having a great Easter Sunday though! 🙂

XOXO Anna

Dinner with Mom

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Last night’s dinner was hell. I haven’t had time to post for the past couple days and finally I have time. My parents have been on my ass to get either a job or internship this summer once school gets out. Also because my parents have been constantly criticizing Cody and me we wanted to move out. I don’t know where Cody and I stand on that at the moment, but I personally think I still want to move out. I just can’t take my parents treating me like I’m in high school. I’m 22 years old and I should be able to make my own decisions.

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But last night at dinner Cody, me, and my mom were drinking and eating while talking about me. Talking about how my mom thinks I am weak, a child, and dependent. It’s true that I am financially dependent on them. But to call me a child and weak? I feel like that was uncalled for. Also she said my life is a mess right now and I need to get my shit together.

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If you’ve been reading my blog, you will know that right now my life is the most together it’s been in over three years. I am going to school and am in a healthy relationship. Back at my old school I was dealing with my trauma’s and stuff. I was not in a good place. But I finally am. I haven’t self harmed in almost six months. I’ve basically stopped drinking aside from the occasional drink with dinner, and I am going to school. I feel like my life is pretty together at the moment.

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Cody couldn’t believe that my mom didn’t pick up on my sarcastic acting last night. I basically just agreed with everything my mom said to please her and she loved it. She loved the me I was faking. She said, “Where did this Anna go? I’m glad she is back.” That implies that I used to be a kiss ass. Which I wasn’t. I am raging pissed because now my mom and dad are going to be infuriated if I don’t find a job or internship for the summer. Their definition of an acceptable job for me is being a waitress where I make $300-$400 a night in tips. That’s not possible for me to do.

I just hope that when I tell my mom last night was a huge lie she doesn’t freak on me. There’s just all this pressure and I feel like I’m drowning in it.

 

XOXO Anna

Promise Me This…

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This is the surprise that I mentioned that I’m doing for Cody. I hope that everything gets here by saturday because I told him that on saturday we are going to have the perfect day. I got him all these things on a website called ThinkGeek that he has wanted, and I got him like five watches that he wants. My plan is that through out the day, with each thing we do I’ll give him a present. But if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, I got these rings specifically because he got the necklace version when we first started dating and I thought these rings were fitting.

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He knows that there is a surprise and he helped me plan the day. We are going to our favorite diner in the morning, so I’ll give him a gift then. Then depending on what time we are done either we will go home and play chess or we will go to that theatre with the reclining chairs and I’ll give him another gift. Then, again deepening on the time, we will go to our favorite bar for happy hour and again, I’ll give another gift. We will go home and play Yugioh cards because he wants to, and I’ll give him a gift. Then dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, and I’ll give him a gift.

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That is all I have planned so far. I don’t know how or when I’m going to give him the ring, but there is a speech I wrote to go along with it. I am still trying to decide whether I want to do it at dinner or when we get home. I also am super nervous! But here is the speech. If you would like to comment below on your thoughts I would appreciate that immensely!

P.S. The unicorn comment is an inside joke.

1/23/16

Cody, meeting you has been the best thing to have happened to me. I know maybe to most people seven months isn’t a long time to know if you love someone and want to marry them, but I know. People are going to have their judgements, but that doesn’t matter to me. What matters to me is having you by my side through thick and thin.

Life is going to throw us curveballs, and things won’t always be easy. There have definitely been times where things were rocky, but when we were at our worst, all I wanted to do was stay and fix things. That is what gives me the confidence to know that I want to marry you. Through all the ups and downs, I still love you and always will.

I love you for you. You are fun, smart, respectful, sensitive, open, understanding, patient, loving…a unicorn. I could keep going on and on but I’ll try to keep this somewhat short. My love for you is unconditional. I love you no matter what and I want you to know that. You’re not only my life partner but my best friend. We can laugh at anything and enjoy each other’s company. I spend so much time with you and all I want is to spend even more time with you. With you I feel safe enough to be me, flaws and all. I know in my heart that you accept me for me. That is why I am now asking you to promise me this.

Promise me you’ll be honest. Promise me you’ll be faithful. Promise me you’ll love me no matter what. Promise me that we can get through anything together. But most of all, promise me that by accepting and wearing this ring, that one day you will marry me.

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So that’s what I have written. It’s a first draft. I am not sure if it could be worded better but I think it’s really sweet so far. I really hope that things go well and that the rings actually get here by saturday. I ordered them last night, so hopefully they’ll get here later this week.

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But I honestly feel a bit crazy doing this. I mean, Cody’s sister liked the idea because she thought it was funny that the stereotypical roles were reversed. She wondered why I was doing this. She thought it was for Valentine’s day. I told her what happened between Cody and I last night and I told her it just made it crystal clear that he was it for me. Not that I didn’t already know it, but it gave me the courage to actually get the ring and all that shit. I told her that this is the only thing I can do to show my commitment on that level because I know that Cody wants to be the one to propose to me and he even said if I try to eventually propose he would say no and then propose to me sometime later because he has a proposal plan he’s been working on. So I am hoping Cody says yes to the promise ring.

XOXO Anna