What is the Disconnect???

Obviously Undiscovered and Exposed has been around for a while, since 2014 actually, which to me, is crazy to think about! My other company/site has been around technically since August 2017 but I moved it to my own domain in Jan 2018.

On here I have 4x the amount of people following me, and I get more responses, likes, comments, etc. on here… so I wonder, what is the disconnect?

Am I just better at being anonymous? haha …Or, is it that because it’s anonymous I don’t hold back on here and I am less professional with my writing? Is it because it’s journal-style rather than educational? Or, is it because this entire blog here is a story, and it’s fun to follow a story and see where the story goes?

I guess I am just wondering how I can bring a little Anonymous Anna to my company… Maybe I’ll write a post from the perspective of Anonymous Anna and see how that goes.

I am not sure what to think though about that…but I’ll try it!

But I have to say, it’s nice to be back, here. I think I needed space to think, to get clarity without sharing everyone in an online blog. I definitely have clarity and a direction now. I know where I am going, my goals, and have learned so much in just one year.

I definitely want to write about what I’ve learned from being the partner of a porn addict, about porn addiction, betrayal trauma, and obviously about the first year of marriage with a kid as well. Those will be separate posts.

Anyways, I hope you all are doing well, and I appreciate the likes yesterday. I didn’t actually know if anyone would even remember this blog or me.

XOXO Anna

We Are Having A….

Boy! We found out yesterday, and we couldn’t be more excited! I can tell you that  I was honestly terrified about if we were having a boy or girl. There are different fears that come with each sex. Honestly, my reasons for being scared of having a daughter are because of the things I, and many other women have been through. The over-sexualization of women, the rapes, the body- image issues, and so on. I know men get raped too, and that there are objectification’s of men, but as a woman, I can say that because of my gender it automatically means that it’s dangerous to be me. Just being a woman is scary these days. Growing up, I didn’t know the realities of the world. Once high school hit, I saw them more, and college was a full on wake up call.

I am excited to have a boy for many reasons but one reason is that I want to do my very best to teach him about the issues of today’s societies with gender. There are issues on both sides, and I just want to teach my son to be a gentleman. I know that our culture is one of hook-ups and one-night stands, but I feel society has lost the art of romance. Where is the courtship?

These days it seems our society is sex obsessed. There is so much more to life than sex. What about careers, education, and building a relationship with another person?

I can say that learning about Cody’s porn addiction has been eye opening to me. I never knew that kids as young as 9 could get their hands on porn. Honestly, before Cody, I barely even thought about porn. I honestly thought most guys grew out of watching porn after middle school experimentation and curiosity and would rather have a relationship with a real woman.

I just hope I can instill good morals in our son. I want to teach him respect, kindness, love, courage, honesty, etc. I know all parents want to have their kid be the best and have access to the best. I know that we may not have the best financial situation, so we can’t buy our son endless amounts of toys, or go out every week to a museum, or the movies, but I know between Cody and me we can give our son a loving and safe environment, with lots of knowledge (both street smarts and book smarts). We want to teach our son about science, both the hard science and soft science. Given that I study psychology I hope that our son can be very psychologically intelligent. I know that a lot of people grow up not being fully aware of themselves, their desires, wants, behaviors, but I hope that we can teach our son to be aware.

Society teaches men to repress their feelings and not to cry, but I want to teach my son that crying is okay and more importantly that feelings are okay and welcomed. I want him to be able to say, “I feel X, Y, Z.” I want him to have the best and I hope that Cody and I can give him the very best.

November 17th… I am almost half way through the pregnancy (18.5 weeks) and I just want November to be here. I never knew how excited I would be when becoming a parent, especially at 23 when it wasn’t expected. I know our son isn’t here yet, but I already feel such excitement, and love, and joy at the anticipation of his arrival. I guess it’s true when they say becoming a parent changes things, lots of things and that sometimes you just can’t understand until you’re a parent. I know my parents told me that one day when I was a parent I would understand.

I now understand a lot of their decisions and their intentions. They always wanted the best for me. Always tried to give me the best. For that I am thankful. I hope that I can emulate the things that I think my parents did well with, and hope to improve on the aspects I think they faltered with.

I know I haven’t been on as much as I used to, and I think it’s partly due to how busy my schedule has gotten, but also because these past couple months, I’ve been processing my feelings. I wasn’t sure of my feelings and thoughts about being a parent. But last night, during the ultrasound when I saw our son’s arms moving around inside me, something changed. Maybe it became more real? But something changed and suddenly I am aware of how I feel about this pregnancy, about parenting, about having a son. I feel so blessed to have Cody and to be having our son. Besides my career, I feel like my life is amazing. I am going to have a husband and a son. Both of us will be finishing school and starting our careers, but aside from that things are amazing.

Life is very unexpected and throws so many curve balls. I have to say, I think I’ve managed a lot of the curve balls well -the anorexia, the rapes, transferring school, dealing with a partner with addiction, and this pregnancy. Through all those issues I never gave up and kept persevering. I know being 23 and having a baby is going to be tough, but I know I will persevere.

XOXO Anna

Recovery

Cody and I have been doing very well for the past month. We started couples therapy, EFT specifically and it has been one of the best decisions we’ve made in our recovery as a couple together!

In a couple days, it will be a year of Cody being clean and in recovery. It’s crazy to think a year has gone by since I found out about his addiction, but we have made so much progress, both as individuals and as a couple. Cody even got an A- in Statistics! He hasn’t gotten an A in almost four years! He really has made so many improvements to his work and educational life. I still have plenty of triggers, but some triggers aren’t as bad anymore, and 95% of the time I realize his addiction has nothing to do with me. Only if it’s a day full of triggers do I get those thoughts of not being good enough.

Cody asked me out on a date for Saturday, which was cute! I can’t wait to go on a date, we haven’t been on a date in about a month or so. So, it will be very nice to just go out, have dinner, talk, and go to the beach where we met almost 2 years ago.

Also, everything is good with the baby. We have an appointment in a week and a half and then near the end of June, we are going to find out the gender!! We can’t wait!

Overall, it seems like things are going much better these past couple months. I am very happy about the progress and honestly, lately, it seems like we are finding “our love” again. It’s been very nice to hang out with him and just have fun. Back in the first couple months after I found out I couldn’t have fun with him, let alone be alone with him without being in pain. These days I enjoy his company much more. I think it’s because we have been talking a lot with each other, about a variety of subjects, but we’ve talked about the addiction a bit more and I think it’s been helping me process, and be able to move forward more.

XOXO Anna

Please Take Responsibility

On rebootnation, there are some addicts that simply don’t take responsibility for their actions. It’s been very sad to read. Some addicts have been amazing in their efforts to recover, and actually be honest with their partners, but some encourage addicts to not tell their partners.

As a partner who was lied to and deceived, I’m saying that lying hurts more than the porn. I understand there are shame and embarrassment around this topic, but a partner has a right to know who they are with and a right to decide what they want based on an honest representation of yourself.

I know that it can take some time to really reflect on your actions and see them for what they are. Isn’t it unfair to lie to someone you claim to love, though? I understand some addicts fear their partner will leave, or not accept them. That can be a reality, but not giving your partner the chance to show you what they would decide isn’t fair.

I guess, I just hope that addicts, no matter what their addiction is, can be honest with the people around them, and take responsibility for their actions. I know of addicts who do and I commend them. I just hate knowing how many partners out there who don’t know that they are living with an addict, and I hate hearing addicts say, “I’m addicted I can’t control myself” as a way to excuse using. Self-control is possible, there are ways, you just have to learn what works for you.

XOXO Anna

Partners Of Porn Addicts

I have redone the look of the forum and I am really glad that we have gotten new members! I hope that anyone who is struggling with porn addiction can give the forum link to their partners, and that any partners of porn addiction join as well. So far everyone on the forum is happy that it’s a safe place for partners.

XOXO Anna

Cody’s Mother…

She is still being difficult. Last time I posted about Cody’s mom we were supposed to go over to her house. When we went over, she refused to look at me or acknowledge I spoke. It took at least fifteen minutes of me trying to engage in the conversation for her to look at me, and then would give me a short answer.

We then the next day went to her brother’s surprise party. She acted completely normal in front of me, as if she didn’t have any issue. She put on a good show since Cody’s dad was there and her boyfriend was there. Her boyfriend had told her that she had no reason to be upset with me because I’ve done nothing wrong.

So, for about a week or two weeks, Cody has been trying to get his phone line off his mom’s account. She didn’t do it this past Sunday like she said she would. He messaged her earlier this week, and she didn’t reply. He texted her this morning. The only reason she texted was because he changed the pin on the account when trying to contact verizon to get his line off.

She texted, “Did you change my pin”

He replied, “I tried calling Verizon to see if they can remove my number from your plan because you won’t. I know you’re busy but come on I’m sure you’ve had plenty of time”

She replied, “Cody, stop it! Today is my first day off and I planned on getting to you. You still owe $95 to and I could say the same to you”

He replied, “I wanted this done before this billing period, you said you’d take care of it. It’s almost been a week and I’m still on your plan”

She said, “Come by after work and we’ll take care of it”

He replied, “I hope so this time”

She said, “Knock it off don’t be so rude”

It’s getting to be exhausting dealing with her childish behavior.

 

XOXO Anna

 

Moms

Right now, I am overwhelmed with moms. I, in my last post, talked about how my mom and I had a bit of a disagreement on our relationship and the needs within the relationship. I have also mentioned Cody’s mom because she is driving me up the freaking wall!  Then this week I am going to be talking to a family friend who helped get my sister and I adopted and go over the adoption papers with her and ask questions about my birth mom. So lots of mom stuff going on.

I am going to be talking about Cody’s mom. If you read the post linked about, you will understand where this all started. I am going to post the conversation below because it is so ridiculous and hurtful that I can’t wrap my head around it.

 

Things to know

Cody’s has given me permission to post the conversation. Cody’s parents divorced at age 10 for him. His mother is a cocaine addict and has struggled with alcohol, which partly is why the divorce happened I assume. She went to treatment after the divorce. His dad told us she was never around and couldn’t budge when he would beg for an inch for her to help him with the 3 kids. Cody lived one week at his dads and one week at his moms for five or six years.When at his mom’s, she was always working and he barely saw her. Then he just lived with his dad after that. So all in all, she was absent for most of his life and has been selfish so to speak.

Conversation

December 27th

She texts me, “Perhaps your screening Cody’s calls. Please have him call me tonight ASAP.”

Cody realized he had missed a call from her because his phone sound was off.

She texts him about money, and he replies, “Hey I don’t think my phone is working. I tried to answer your call but I couldn’t hear you.”

She replies, “Why not answer my texts then? Are you home or are you stopping by?”

He replies, “We just got home, I forgot to stop by the bank. I can give it to you early tomorrow morning.”

She replies, “Ok. But I’m going to fix this phone issue for you with a new phone and new security. Only I will be able to change or block on your behalf and your phone will ALWAYS work. I’ll work with Verizon tomorrow and keep you posted and close your current phone account. This way only you and I will have the access with additional security and insurance. Love you and see you in the morning mom.”

He replies, “What the hell does that mean? My phone broke… I got a refurbished phone because it was cheapest… sometimes the speakers don’t work, that’s it. I reset my phone and it’s fine. That’s why I miss notifications. What do you mean by security? There is no security threats nor is anything being blocked. I’m sorry I haven’t paid you yet if that’s what you’re upset about, Anna has been telling me I need to take care of the phone bill and she needs my half of the other bills, I’ve been lazy.”

“Cody, just come over tomorrow morning and we will work things out. Just you and me, okay?”

 

That ends December 27th for you. So that was the first conversation and highly offensive to both of us. Cody also used to work at Verizon so he didn’t understand what his mom meant about security because you can’t add more than there already is. Cody has MobileFence on his phone so that he can be accountable in his recovery from porn addiction, he had take it off if he wants so I am not controlling his phone, which his mom obviously thinks, which is highly offensive.

December 28th we go to his moms, I wait in the car. He comes back and they didn’t talk about anything. So we go to breakfast, I’m pissed, he eventually texts her this, “I forgot to mention something while I was there. I really didn’t appreciate you accusing Anna of screening my calls. You should’ve just asked me why I wasn’t answering. She doesn’t control me or what I do on my phone so don’t worry about that. It kind of felt like you were treating me like a kid. We have

So we go to breakfast, I’m pissed, he eventually texts her this, “I forgot to mention something while I was there. I really didn’t appreciate you accusing Anna of screening my calls. You should’ve just asked me why I wasn’t answering. She doesn’t control me or what I do on my phone so don’t worry about that. It kind of felt like you were treating me like a kid. We have a account together because it’s cheaper between the two of us, you may be the account holder but I do not want you ever canceling my line I would love to not get a new number and if it’s a problem I’ll take my number off.”

That was texted to her at 11:22 am. She replies at 6:34, “Did you try the stick yet? Did it work vocally? I want to know so I can order one for mom and dad tonight as they are on back order.”

She calls, Cody is driving so he doesn’t answer. He texts, “Driving” so she knows he isn’t purposely ignoring her.

She replies, “Call me when you get home. Working on the computer. Thanks honey!”

At 8:17 Cody replies, “Just got home, haven’t tried it. Don’t know if you got my text before I’ll resend it.” (Cody resends the text from after breakfast).

Next contact is on January 7th, she says, “I haven’t heard from you. How are you surviving this storm? Are you both home and safe? Just worried about you. Let me know. Love you both, mom. By the way, [my boyfriends] mom passed away Wednesday morning. It’s been a tough week.”

Cody replies, “Hey yeah we’re safe. I’m sorry to hear that. How’s [your boyfriend]?”

January 9th, Cody texts, “Hey are you free tomorrow?” No reply.

There was a phone call between them at some point from December 27th to January 20th were we where at BJs and when Cody tried to talk about what needs to be talked about she said they would have that conversation face to face and hung up.

January 20th

She says, (2 pictures of finances) Hi honey, we haven’t talked in ages. Work has been crazy. Had a 15 hour straight day yesterday, closed, got home at 12:30 and bed at 1:15 am, up at 4:45 am for corp breakfast at 7 am for 45. Slept this afternoon. Ugh! Anyway, I paid Verizon. I’ve attached last month and this month’s calculations with xtra payment last month and your caller ID monthly charge you added. So you owe $85.51. You equipment balance is getting lower, yeah. I’m working doubles sat and sun and [the boss] is on vacation (1st in 9 years) so I’ll be busy this next week. Let me know when you can stop by and maybe visit too. Miss you both and hope your both well. I love you!! Mom”

January 21

Cody says, “Hey mom, wow sounds busy. I would like to get together. Are you free at all this week?”

January 23

She says, “Hey Cody, my schedule is crazy!! I’m working on computer all night. Give me a call tonight when you have a minute.” (Cody doesn’t call)

January 27

Cody says, “Hey mom, it was a crazy week. Lots of work on the website, been super busy. And class started so I’ve been trying to keep up with statistics. Are you free this week? We can get together and catch up and I can give you Verizon money.”

She replies, “Are you free now to talk for two minutes”

He replies, “Talk about what?” (because 2 minutes is not the conversation he needs)

She replies, “The message you just texted me. Hey. What’s up, why so defensive sounding. Honey. Just give me a call. I miss you”

He replies, “Apparently you don’t want to talk about it. I’ve been trying to get together with you so we can talk. I’m upset that you accuse Anna of screening my phone calls, which is ridiculous. Then you go on to say that you’re going to put new security on my phone and get me a new phone or something? It’s my phone I’ll do what I want with it. I got on your plan so we could split the bill so it would be cheaper for both of us. I don’t appreciate you saying you’re putting security on my phone and “only we’ll have access” Anna does not control anything or keep me from anything. In fact she’s been trying to get me to talk to you for the past few weeks. And I would very much like to meet with you so we can talk face to face.”

January 29

He says, “Mom you can’t ignore me, I want to address this. I’m not ok with you treating us like that. I love you and I love seeing you but I don’t want you to think badly of Anna when all she’s been is amazing to me and I’m your son but not a child and I don’t need to be treated like one. I’ll do with my phone what I want and if that’s not ok I’ll make my own plan. I love you and want things to be ok but I’m not going to pretend we’re ok when I’m actually upset.

February 5

She says, “Can you drop off phone money today please. $85. Your 2 weeks late and I could use it please. [my boyfriend] will be at the house. I’m working. Please leave it with him. I’ll be home around 5. Thank you, Love you. Mom”

That brings us to today and I am OUTRAGED. I don’t really understand what it would be like to have divorced parents but is this normal???? For one parent to not care or be so dismissive and selfish and rude??? I can’t understand why his mom isn’t trying. Why wouldn’t a mom try to have a relationship with THE ONLY child who is trying??? Cody’s sister and brother gave up on his mom years ago. Cody is the only person left that she talks to from her “family.” This is just making me so angry and confused. Isn’t there something in a mother’s DNA that hardwires them to care about their children??? This is honestly just baffling to see. Can anyone give their 2 cents on this? I am having issues wrapping my head around her behavior.

Cody is going to go over at 5 today he says, and I hope that goes well.

XOXO Anna

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I Realized I’ll Never Compare To The Women In My Boyfriends Porn (FTND)

When I Realized I’ll Never Compare To The Women In My Boyfriends Porn 

This article is from Fight The New Drug. I was on there the other day and read this article and personally found that it was well written, very accurate in how I’ve personally felt going through having a partner with porn addiction, and emotionally evoking.

Just thought I’d share.

XOXO Anna

Finals and Broken Trust

School is making me feel like I am drowning. I honestly haven’t had time to sit down on my computer in what seems like weeks. The only reason I am on how is because I didn’t go to school today.

Cody lied to me. Not about porn, but about something else that was small. But he lied. I am devastated. I am honestly feeling so low. I had a complete mental breakdown last night. I cried and screamed in pain for an hour…and Cody just sat and listened. I was glad he let me cry. But I was devastated because I actually started trusting him. He hasn’t lied up until this one. I told him once I found out everything that I rather him be honest and hurt me than lie to keep me happy.

I have praised him every time that he has “screwed up” or faltered with little things I’ve asked because he told me right after. He was honest and that meant EVERYTHING. These things weren’t porn related but were things to build trust. I.e. tell me when you get to work and leave. Let me know what you search before you do it. Or ask if you can go on a certain site. etc.

So last week sometime, possibly last monday, he searched a song on spotify. It was innocent, it was a song from sky fall. No bad cover or anything. But because he searched it, forgetting to ask or tell me, he decided to lie and not tell me. Of course, I went on his spotify yesterday and saw that. I asked him about it and he confessed.

I was horrified BECAUSE HE LIED. I couldn’t care less about what he searched, it’s the fact that he lied about it.

I am honestly destroyed and soul crushed right now. It’s been 6 months since I found out everything and now, once I’ve begun to trust him again, he lies, destroying the trust that took so long to be built. And this trust wasn’t full trust it was the first steps to bigger trusts. Like I trusted him not to act out if I am at treatment. Or I trust that he is where he says he is. Those were big steps for me to trust him.

I personally wasn’t even sure if I was capable of trusting someone after betrayal because I’ve never done that before. So with him, I stayed and tried. I learned that I am capable of trusting again, to a degree. But I am just honestly shocked that he lied, and about something so small.

He told me he was ashamed and embarrassed about searching it without asking and said that he didn’t want to lose all the progress he had made, and was ashamed that “something so small” could destroy all that.

Personally I don’t think that him searching without asking destroys progress, I would have told him i would appreciate in the future if he asks or lets me know he is doing that, and tell him I am proud that he was honest. And the thing is this has happened before over the course of the six months. He has searched things without asking or letting me know, and then he would tell me, and I would be thankful he told me….which built trust.

Now, he has lied. And I don’t know why… and I didn’t even go to school today because I got 3 hours of sleep. I was and am so distraught. I know that it could be worse, but I am in pain right now… and I am just trying to wrap my head around why, after we have been making so much progress together and individually, he would lie….

XOXO Anna

Feeling Like Crap

So one of Cody’s friends said to him a while ago no one wants to hang out with him anymore because we fight sometimes and stuff. Then last night when I asked one of his friends why they didn’t invite Cody, he replied with “why is his vagina hurt?”

I was insulted that his friend insulted Cody but also the way he was insulting Cody, by using a women’s body part as if that’s something bad. So I stood up for Cody and said that it was a misogynistic to say that and said he would lose his girlfriend if he used language and insults like that.

His friend then came back and said some really mean stuff to me, Cody defended me. The thing is, when I met Cody, he couldn’t identify feelings, used language like: cunt, whore, bitch, slut, and he was very immature. Cody has matured, doesn’t use degrading language like that anymore, and actually wants to talk about real issues, and his friend says he can’t recognize Cody anymore. That I’ve “warped his mind,” and that I’m, “crazy.”

I talked to Quick Silver yesterday about Cody’s sister. But then last night texted him about how I really needed to talk to him about last night with Cody’s friend. So today I’ll be calling Quick Silver. I really miss Quick Silver. He has always been a really good friend, and sometimes it sucks that he is in GA and I’m not.

So it’s been damn stressful this week with people. I seriously feel like crap and that I’m the reason people don’t like Cody.

XOXO Anna

Huge Steps Forward!! So Proud of Cody!

Today Cody made a huge step forward! He posted on Facebook openly admitting he is a porn addict. He told me it was okay to post his post on here, so I will in support of him.

 

 

“It seems to me that there is a problem in today’s society that most people are unaware of. To some, it’s not a problem, to others it may be, some don’t realize it and most just deny it completely. To me personally it is a major problem and i didn’t even know it until earlier this year. I’ve had it for probably almost a decade from what i can remember, and in the past years has helped feed a circle of feeling hopeless and like I wasn’t going anywhere in life and even some depression i didn’t even know I had. I’ve been addicted to porn for a long time and it took me a while to even realize let alone admit that it was a problem. It’s not a problem for everybody but for those that it is they may not realize it. You’d be surprised how much it changes your personality and especially how you view not just woman but everyone. It makes you think that societies view of how a man and woman should look is that “perfect” photo shopped add from clothes stores and magazines when in reality nobody looks like that. It makes the “perfect guy muscular with a perfect face and hair and the girls are unrealistically skinny and most don’t realize what hell they go through with there awful health killing diets. And nobody realizes that most porn stars in fact don’t want to do porn and the suicide rate is atrocious. The average life expectancy of a porn star isn’t even 40 years old. The only 2 states that it’s legal in don’t even do it legally. 

The biggest problem is the effect it has on relationships in society. Most divorces are because of porn and other infidelity that is the cause of a porn addiction that got so bad they went to physical cheating. My relationship has taken a huge toll because of what I’ve done with porn. Anna told me from the start that she can’t handle that in a relationship, her anorexia would take over. I did it for an entire year behind her back. When she found out i promised i wouldn’t do it ever again. Of course being an addict that didn’t happen. I couldn’t understand why i wouldn’t stop and i was disgusted with myself inside. This happened a few more times where i said i’d stop and didn’t until she found everything I had done for the past year or so a few months ago and it really hurt us.There is nothing in the world we argue about. There is nothing we can’t have a short conversation about before coming to a compromise. We agree on almost EVERYTHING and am not exaggerating. The things we don’t agree on we talk and come to an agreement but that’s rare we don’t agree on something. We’ve rarely been apart in the past 16 months besides work and class and we still miss each other when we’re apart. We never fight about anything except for my porn addiction. I ruined the best thing I’ve ever had because of it. Fortunately she’s amazing and has stayed with me and is helping me through it. It is still difficult though. We fight more often all about things that come back to what I did. I lied to her constantly as an addict always does and it took a while to know and admit that it was an addiction. Luckily enough it was not as escalated as I have read of others that were much much worse. I never went passed vanilla and I never got Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction, and yes it exists. If you watch and get off to porn too much you may start needing more and more porn and different kinds just to get hard or even turned on at all. Eventually you won’t be able to get an erection, not even for real people. It can be cured by a 90 cleanse from porn and getting off at all. A lot of addicts will go to some fucked up shit on porn sites even child and incest and other taboo shit. Their relationships will crumble and that’s usually what causes divorce. If your partner, girlfriend or whoever you’re with is not ok with it and you do it anyway, you’re letting other woman into the relationship and that’s cheating. It’s infidelity and if it’s left untreated and can escalate to going to other woman physically and emotionally. Some couples and partners are ok with each other watching porn, and that’s fine if they are both ok with it but as long as they know that porn is mostly rape and sex trafficking. They usually start out modeling or something innocent and simple and someone tells them they can make a lot of money just having sex. They start of simple and easy but the next thing they know they’re taking it in every whole and on coke and alcohol just to get through it and they’re pregnant or have syphilis for the fifth time because the tests the male actors get for std’s are mostly fake. That’s not all cases but it is a lot of cases. Like i said, even the legitimate companies don’t abide by the laws. The industry is mostly unregulated. 

Since I’ve stopped, I’ve been so much happier. Work is better, I’m passing classes with more than a C+ i have all A’s now. I finally feel like I’m working on my future because I’ve felt so stuck for so long. And my relationship is better even though there are some fights about the past porn use and what it did. Also the sex is great, it was great before but now it’s the best sex ever every time. Porn really does effect how you interact with people and can very well hinder any kind of intimacy with people, not just in a romantic relationship. Quitting has just overall made me a better person and feel like a better person. I’ve seen so many stories that are very sad and some that are very nice to see that people recover. It’s also nice to see that I’m not alone by long shot. It’s a huge problem not only in the U.S. but it’s such a serious issue in Australia that a mayor declared that he will try to make his city porn free. High school students in Australia take nudes of girls in class and not only rate them but trade them as if it’s a currency.

It really is a serious problem and I know many of you will disagree and I really don’t care about your arguments on this. This is my experience and my opinions with some facts thrown in. This is not me wanting to argue although if you have polite counterpoints or questions I am more than happy to talk. This is a serious issue and I believe awareness of such a problem should be spread to not only help people who share this problem but also address the insecurity that things like this cause with guys and girls alike where they feel they have to match this impossible picture of perfection that society paints and that even their partners/girlfriends/boyfriends expect them to look like. They even say they want someone more porn or model like not knowing the kind of verbal knife that they are using to stab them with. It’s serious shot to self esteem and self worth. I hope everyone can understand this and help make people aware or at least know that this is a problem. I know this was a very long post but thank you for being a real friend to me and taking the time to read it.”

 

I am very proud of the progress he has made and the fact that he was willing to be open about his struggle.

His friends have been so supportive. His sister and brother told him to take down the post because they think it will hurt his chances of employment in the future. His brother also said that post was a lie and that Cody doesn’t have an issue. Cody is upset that his siblings aren’t being supportive, but happy that his friends are.

XOXO Anna

Objectification, Porn, and Society

Cody and I have continued to make progress in our relationship and as individuals. I’ve seen a huge change in Cody since he gave up porn. He is happier, more motivated, engaged in life, and more loving and affectionate and less selfish. It’s only been three months since he has given up porn and the change has been great. I just started going to an eating disorder therapist so I can keep working on myself and how his addiction has impacted me, and I really am excited to work on myself and be able to heal from this.

I’ve been reading about porn and the harmful effects. I have finally been able to find a lot of articles on porn that are non religious. I do not believe porn is harmful because of a religion but because porn causes isolation and intimacy issues. I understand that porn is a topic that is controversial and people have strong opinions about the subject. In my opinion I believe porn is harmful and have been on the other end of a porn addicts addiction. I have been the one hurt by the porn and I have seen the man I love hurt by the porn.

I know most people believe porn is okay and normal because in our society today, porn has become a normal behavior. Sex sells in society and porn has amplified the affects on social media and the way women are presented in ads. I am sad to live in a society where objectification is a normal thing, where porn renders the men in our society incapable of having loving and intimate relationships, where porn feeds objectification and people start thinking that what they see on the screen is normal and perfectly okay. When there are controversial issues in society nothing changes unless people speak out about it. If people remain silent, then they are being complicit.

• Sexual Objectification:“is the act of treating a person as an instrument of sexual pleasure. Objectification more broadly means treating a person as a commodity or an object without regard to their personality or dignity.” – wikipedia

In my opinion porn is not a religious issue, but a moral issue. Most people value honesty, trust, respect, love, faithfulness, kindness, right? If you think of the way you want to be treated, does it match any of the words above? If yes, I agree with you, I would want those things too in any relationship in my life -whether it be romantic or not. Porn fuels ideas of objectification, degradation, and abuse. Cody had no idea he was mostly watching possible rapes. Cody didn’t realize that the women in those scenes most likely didn’t want to do some of those things and were possibly high to get through the scene. Cody didn’t realize that porn was equivalent to him being unfaithful. I know that when someone says “porn is cheating” there is a huge out roar against that statement.

I will break down, why in my opinion porn can be viewed as cheating. But first let’s define cheating, because most people accept society’s standard of cheating as being physically sexually unfaithful, but it can be much more than that. Below is a definition I believe in, and may not apply to everyone.

• Cheating: Going against, or disrespecting boundaries set by another person. Being secretive, or lying to your partner.

I.e. If a boyfriend says he is not okay with his girlfriend talking to her ex-boyfriend and hanging out with him, that is considered cheating within that relationship.

Cheating does not have to only be physical, it can be mental and/or emotional. Some people don’t realize that, and that can cause issues within relationships.

In my relationship with Cody, I told him when I met him that all I ask of someone new in my life is that they are honest and trustworthy because those are two things I value, and I’ve been lied to and betrayed in the past and I don’t put up with that. I rather a person be honest and hurt my feelings than lie to me. If a person tells me the truth I will not get mad, but be glad they respected me enough to tell me. I also told him I could not have porn in my relationship because I struggle with anorexia and would relapse if that was in the relationship. Above I have set boundaries of what I am and am not okay with. Cody did the same for me with mentioning my ex’s and such.

I know that I have always wanted to have a monogamous relationship, meaning me and my partner are sexually exclusive (in real life and online). If my partner watched porn in the relationship I would not conducer that a monogamous relationship. Imagine you have a boyfriend or girlfriend and you mentioned you were or weren’t okay with a behavior, and that person betrayed that. Would you not feel cheated? Would you not feel disrespected?

I know this post won’t really change anything, but I wanted to talk about it. I didn’t want to be silent. I posted about porn on my Facebook page and had guys shut me down on the subject, saying porn wasn’t an issue and such, and Cody stepped in and shot them down. The thing that most people don’t realize is porn is addictive, it can change your neural pathways and inhibit one from being able to have sex with a real person, and porn destroys much more than a romantic life. Porn can keep a person isolated, depressed, and can cause job loss if caught doing that at work. Porn has been compared to heroin in it’s addictive effects.

I’ll admit I am scared to post this because of how people reacted on Facebook, but then again, I am anonymous on this site, and this is exactly why. I want to be able to voice my opinion safely and respectfully. I am going to link an article I really enjoyed reading. I learned a lot more about the affects of porn aside from the addiction side of it.

The Social & Cultural Poverty of Pornography: When the New Narcotic Shapes Society

A video, by Laci Green, talks about sexual objectification, and her channel is amazing, and I admire the way she explains concepts, so check this video out if you want to hear more about objectification, since I on this blog that is anonymous cannot post a video about objectification.

SEX OBJECTS BS

Anyways, hope you enjoyed the post! I know I haven’t posted in a while but I finally had time today.

XOXO Anna

Struggling to Breath

Yesterday was pretty intense. Cody was supposed to go to NYC with another employee to set up for my parents show in NYC. My phone, of course, was on silent, and I was asleep and missed 13 calls and a couple texts from Cody. When I woke up I immediately knew it had to be about his breathing and I called.

Cody was having another breathing panic attack. I haven’t mentioned that he sometimes struggles with breathing because it hasn’t been too much a problem, but as of late, it’s gotten more intense. The struggle to breath in causes him to panic and thus makes it even more hard to breathe. The employee dropped Cody off at the train station to come back home. I picked him up and I was so glad to see him. I was so scared when we were on the phone earlier that morning. He got in the car and started crying. I was so scared and happy that he was there and I just tried to comfort him the best I could.

Getting home I got him water and he napped and I canceled my therapy session to stay with him. We then went to my dentist, which Cody is terrified of, and Cody faced some of his fears. Also, the dentist asked if Cody and I were married, not just because of our rings, but because of the way we interact with each other. I was pretty flattered to have someone think that, and that hasn’t been the first time. Cody has a dentist appointment set up for them to take care of a filling that fell out. He also hasn’t seen a dentist in years because of his fear, so this is a huge step for him, and I’m really proud of him.

After the dentist we went home, rested for a bit, and made dinner together. I made progress because I cooked along side Cody instead of letting Cody take care of making dinner by himself. I made the pasta, warmed the sauce and helped out with the chicken. Helping with the chicken was huge for me because I’ve always been squeamish about how raw meat looks, but I was cutting some of the chicken as it was cooking to see if it was ready. I know it’s small, but to me it was a big step forward. My goal is that one day I will be able to make my own chicken without freaking out or getting grossed out. But the dinner we made was fantastic! I’ve never enjoyed food so much.

Cody and I had really had an amazing day yesterday, aside from the breathing scare. He also is going to see a doctor, my dads doctor, about his breathing and get a physical, since again Cody has not seen a doctor in years- another big step for him.

It’s been a crazy couple of months since finding out about Cody’s porn addiction, but we have made progress as individuals and as a couple and I’m really proud of that. I know that being with someone who struggles from an addiction can be hard but if you love the person they are then it’s worth staying and getting through the struggle. Cody told me that I made him feel so loved and safe yesterday and that made me so happy to hear. He told me he now knows what I mean when I say for him to show me he loves me.

Moving Forward

Cody has been making a lot of progress for the past two to three weeks. He has had epiphanies about his addiction, realized that his best friend struggles from the same addiction, realized he is recovering for himself too, we had amazing sex last night- sex where he did what he liked and wasn’t having sex with me like the way he has seen in porn, he took control and showed me he loved with passion and just let himself go and enjoy sex, which was a great moment for his recovery-and we’ve been getting along a lot better. We’ve been having a lot more fun together, and I am doing my best to stay on track with eating. We still, as a couple and as individuals, have a long way to go to be 100% better, but we’ve been making a lot of progress and I am really proud of that.

XOXO Anna

Progress all around!

My summer english class has been very interesting. My first graded paper is due this week so I am a bit nervous, but the teacher and I spoke one day after class and he said that there was something there in my writing. I told him I used to be a dramatic writing and creative writing major and minor. He said that was it, he could see that I am creative, have good grammar, and know what I am doing. I was shocked because I have never really had any teacher tell me I am good at grammar.

Then this weekend with Cody was AMAZING. I mean, I am still in awe of how much progress he made, but also us as a couple made. Sex had been a issue for about two weeks. This weekend, well suddenly Cody wasn’t depressed any more and he wanted me. It was amazing to feel wanted. He also, when we hung out with his dad this weekend, told his dad about his porn addiction. I mean, we were sitting down at lunch with his dad, talking about  his parents divorce, and then he told his dad the reason we had been having issues in Ohio was because I had found out he was a porn addict. We explained how I have anorexia and how I told him that couldn’t be a part of the relationship from the beginning, and how he hid it from me until I found out like two months ago. His dad did not judge either of us. In fact I felt like his dad respected me more because I stayed and have been helping him get through this. But the progress we made is amazing. Personally I am really struggling with my anorexia, Ed keeps telling me I am not skinny enough, so that sucks, but I am getting through it.

Over all things are turning around!

XOXO Anna

I Feel Like A Princess!

Today has been impressive. I honestly was down about Cody because I wasn’t sure I could get in the mood for sex. Cody got home and was tired, I said he should take a nap while I finished an episode on netflix. I realized the dishes needed to be done and I figured it wouldn’t get done later so I paused my show and started doing the dishes, kind of feeling annoyed because it’s something Cody and I agreed would be a shared chore we do together. I did a couple dishes and then Cody was behind me with a towel in hand and started drying dishes.

I was so impressed and shocked and turned on. Yes, turned on. For some reason doing dishes with Cody has always put me in the mood. He also got me more in the mood by standing right behind means kissing my neck as I did the dishes. We didn’t end up finishing the dishes. We went to the bedroom and had amazingly passionate, fun, intimate sex.

Then we talked in the shower when cleaning up and he was going to go get take out since we are celebrating his one month in recovery of being honest and clean from porn and he took the trash out when he left. My god he worked on recovery today and made me feel like he takes our relationship seriously and loves me. Today at work, he watched the rest of the video I had sent him the other day, and he made an account on Rebootnation which I mentioned in my post earlier today. But I am seriously impressed with him, plus he made me feel so cared about and loved. He really did make me feel like a princess. I told him that it really was the little things that made me feel loved.

I posted about him cutting me up an apple once and how that really made me feel loved, I also told him that him picking out the vegetables in my lo mein noodles one night made me feel loved, and tonight it was him doing the dishes with me instead of napping.

Seriously happy right now!

XOXO Anna

One Month

Today marks one month of Cody being honest with me about his addiction. He has done really well with calling me if he feels an uncomfortable emotion, and notifying me of when he gets to work and leaves. I’m proud of him for the progress he has made.

At the same time of me being proud, I also wonder about how serious he takes all this. We had a fight and talk last night of him not being able to take anything in his life seriously. I had gotten fed up with Cody because he wasn’t getting what I was talking about and I broke down and he got upset, and I told him everything he probably didn’t want to hear. He has lived in denial about his childhood. His parents divorced when he was about 11. He claims he had the best childhood with loving parents and made it seem like a perfect dream. Yet of course, I knew better than to believe that when we first had that conversation within the first month of our relationship, but I wasn’t going to burst his bubble. Instead, I would bring up that topic from time to time and ask how the divorce affected him. There are other personal details about his parents that I won’t reveal out of respect but there was a lot of…not the best environment to be growing up in.

So last night I was done with him living in a fantasy world. I gave him tough love and spelled out exactly how the divorce and other not healthy situations must have made him feel as a child. No child wants an unstable living environment growing up. No child wants to be the messenger boy between parents. I got him to realize that he needs to look at his childhood more. He has always mentioned 4th grade when talking about his childhood, which is when his parents divorced. That is when he noticed or remembers that he stopped doing homework and became lazy.

Cody came to the conclusion that he is lazy and doesn’t put effort into every area of his life because he doesn’t care about himself he said. That was very sad and powerful to hear. I know that I came to the realization that my childhood wasn’t perfect and I saw my parents as people instead of heroes on a pedestal years ago, so Cody is catching up with that. With my own addictions (anorexia, self-harm, drinking) I relayed I didn’t care about myself, or if I did, it was so minimally. But through my recovery I’ve learned to really appreciate myself, and love parts of myself. I am no where near close to fully loving and accepting every part of me, but I’ve made a lot of progress through the years. Now it’s time for Cody to embark on his own journey of self-discovery, with a therapist to help him.

This whole conversation happened because he didn’t work on recovery yesterday which was a huge disappointment to me. He didn’t make an account on Rebootnation, which is helpful, and he didn’t finish watching this video I sent him about porn and how bad it is from an ex-porn star Shelley Lubben. It was a very powerful video to watch, and I will link it here. It’s really worth the watch, it really opened my eyes up to some things I didn’t even know. We also didn’t have sex either which was mentioned that it might happen. Cody got in the shower alone after parkour…earlier that day we discussed we would relax when he gets home from parkour, then shower together and get in the mood, so there wasn’t even a chance for me to fight for us to have intimacy yesterday. Though he just messaged me and said he just made an account, so I am proud he took that step forward.

XOXO Anna

Finally Some Help!

So I totally forgot to post about Cody and I switching our phones back. We found an app, for android systems called Mobile Fence Parental Control and it has honestly been a life saver! The app is AMAZING. I can see what Cody is doing from my computer or the tablet we have because I set that as the parental device where as Cody’s is the childs. It is a free month trial and then it’s $28.50 for a year subscription for 3 devices. I know I’m going to be getting an android galaxy phone after my iPhone so I will get that plan to keep Cody’s device, the tablet, and my new phone when I get it which will be sometime later this year.

Another great site I found was RebootNation. Its a forum for those struggling with sex addiction and their partners. I made an account under AnonymousAnnaXO and I am going to make my first post today I hope. I also talked to Andy yesterday and told him about the situation between Cody and I. He has been the only person to take the situation seriously and offer me real advice and support. So I really appreciate Andy talking to me over Facebook yesterday it helped me and validated what I was going through.

XOXO Anna

I Hate Sex

For the past couple of days, maybe a week or so, sex has been…difficult. I love Cody, and for me, sex is something that I use to feel closer to him through all this, but at the same time it can be triggering. It brings out all my insecurities.

Sex doesn’t suck because Cody is bad at sex, that is very far from the truth. He is great, and pleases me, even though he confessed to me he doesn’t think he can anymore. Sex sucks because all I can do is compare myself to porn stars in my head while I’m having sex to see if I am good enough. I don’t initiate anymore, and well…in the past I usually would have to initiate…which I hate. So now I’ll give hints that I want sex and Cody knows it and doesn’t do anything. He then confessed to me last night that he thinks that he will disappoint me. Lately he has been pretty quick to cumming, and I guess he feels bad because he will have to cum either before I’ve gotten there or it will be in the middle and he will have to pull out to finish himself. I get that he feels bad, but what’s worse is feeling unwanted.

I already feel unwanted. Obviously I feel that way since for a year he had his porn and his addiction wanted that more than me… at least that’s the way I view it. Cody says he loves me and wants me and all that, but I don’t fully feel it yet. I logically know he is saying the truth, but emotionally it’s still disconnected.

What’s worse is that I have it in my head that I have to do porn to be “worthy” of being wanted by Cody, which he has said many times to me is not what he wants. I just feel like I have to be porn, whether it’s posting sexy photos on Instagram or social media, or taking more sexy pics for just him…but I know that doesn’t work either. I’ve taken pictures of myself in lingerie and given them to him, that was part of his christmas gift. But that didn’t work. He explained it to me that Richard (his sex addiction) doesn’t think of girlfriends as porn, thus he would not use my photos in that way. I gave those to him to keep him from looking at other girls because I thought if he really needed to look and watch naked girls, then if I gave him some pictures of me (the person who he claims he wants to be with) then that would be sufficient. I guess that still hurts, knowing that I wasn’t enough in those photo’s. I know, I know, it’s his addiction and it has nothing to do with me, but I just am struggling so much with that idea.

Cody and I talked before he left for work because I felt shitty this morning because he was turned on and made me aware of it, and then I try to follow his lead and I hint that we could go to the shower and do stuff, but he was so tired he just passed out again. I was confused and annoyed and felt rejected. Why would he make me aware of his boner, make me feel it, and then just ignore that I said we could do stuff in the shower. I get it though, he is exhausted, which is fine. It’s the teasing that wasn’t. I’m extremely sensitive to any sexual rejection, and to me I felt rejected because I got on him and tried kissing him and stuff, and well…I failed at getting him to want to go to the shower with me. I told him that in the future I would appreciate that he doesn’t have to let me know he has a boner unless he actually wants to do something.

Today I am going to be reading the book called, Facing Heartbreak Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts and I am rewatching Dexter season 7 when Deb finds out about Dexter. I also wanted to watch another documentary on porn too. Idk, feeling overwhelmed.

XOXO Anna

Why Can’t I Be Barbie?

So I am triggered while writing this. Not PTSD from the sexual trauma’s but PTSD like reactions to Cody and me and sex. This article will explain what I mean by the trauma.

So Cody was turned on when we woke up and were cuddling. I was shocked because I was so busy giving our cat Luvas attention. Cody preceded to make out with me and stuff, and we had sex. Of course I’m on my period, day 4, and I was still worried about sex. Not because I am freaked by the blood, but because it means I’m human, and porn girls, well they’re not exactly human. There’s an illusion of perfection. They are flawless, perfect, which by definition is inhuman. So I am still hating the fact that I am human.

Anyways, we were having nice sex, and Cody of course pulled out a couple times because it was too good, and there was one time were I was about to cum and he pulled out and he kinda half way came. He grabbed tissues to clean up and saw t hat obviously there was a bit of blood and was obviously freaked a bit by it and I instantly felt like crap. I told him that sex was over. I honestly didn’t want to deal with rejection. If he half way came and was freaked by blood I rather be stuck with about to cum and end it rather than try again and have him not be hard, thus me feeling rejected and like crap even more.

I already feel obnoxiously self-conscious since I found out, and super sensitive about sex and me being naked and more so about eating, but I’ve kept Ed from controlling me as much as possible. I already, for my whole life, felt the pressure to be perfect. Now I feel, again, that I have to be perfect, except this time it’s more intense. At least in the past if I wasn’t physically perfect, or perfect in any way there wasn’t too much of a consequence because I never had a boyfriend or anyone besides my family that I would let down.

Now I feel like if I’m not perfect I’ll be a trigger for Cody to go back to his addiction. I feel like I’m not good enough, and that I will never be because I am human. I can never be a porn star unless I waste hours of my day working on my looks. Taking an hour to do make up, and hour to do hair, and find the perfect clothes, and be the perfect trophy girl. If you’ve read my blog before, you know I’ve always been the trophy girl to whatever boyfriend I had. I was perfect. Cody has told me he doesn’t want a trophy girl and is glad that I have substance and am not just my looks. Yet his addiction makes me feel otherwise. With Cody, it’s true I haven’t put effort into being the trophy girl only because he made me feel like I was more than just arm candy. Yet again the addiction makes me think if I fucking tried to be the trophy girl this whole time it would have been different, which I know is completely irrational because it’s an addiction. I rationally know it’s about him and has nothing to do with me, but with my anorexia and Ed shiting on me it’s hard to see that.

Point being I grew up with all my girl “friends” dressing me up, doing my hair, doing my make up, making me feel like barbie, especially because I had blonde hair. I was treated like Barbie for years and hated it, and now ironically that’s all I want. Porn… you evil mistress… you’re perfect. You have no flaws. Yet all normal girls do and we can’t compete. It’s impossible to compete. I mean, I could hire Serena to do my hair and makeup every day and pay her, because honestly she would fucking love that. I could do the whole getting my hair and make up done, and find the right clothes. But even with that I’m not the perfect porn girl. Porn girls do anything and everything for the guy with no needs or opinions or feelings of their own. Their sole existence is to please the guy. I can be submissive at times, but I’m not that submissive. I have a fiery, spunky, personality and don’t take shit. I fucking call people out when they’re ignorant or wrong, and I stand up for myself and don’t let people walk all over me anymore. But that’s not what porn girls are. So porn girls are the complete opposite of my personality so that’s another reason I can never be that.

Sorry for ranting but I needed to vent and get this out. Honestly, because I haven’t found much support for partners of porn addicts, this blog is the only place I’ve been able to talk about it, vent, try to heal,and so on.

Anyways thanks for reading my stupid emotional roller coaster of healing or trying to heal…

XOXO Anna