The Hunting Ground


I just watched the documentary The Hunting Ground on Netflix and it was amazing. As someone who has been sexually assaulted, and raped twice, it really hit home for me. Honestly watching the documentary was terrifying. Terrifying because of how rampant a problem it is, not that I didn’t know, but hearing their stories, and seeing how poorly College Universities handled it was sickening. It makes me not want my kids to go to a college one day, because I would hate for my kid to have the same fate as me.


I went to the Savannah College of Art and Design in Savannah, Georgia and I somewhat reported what Peter did to me. I talked to a therapist who was extremely helpful to me through the situation, and when going to the person who handles reports, she explained to me what would happen if I ended up reporting through the school or through the police. I know that if you report through SCAD it protects them, and when if reporting to the police I believe they don’t reveal that the student went to SCAD because it’s a private college. Personally I think that’s stupid. I went to SCAD and yes, it was a SCAD senior at the time who sexually assaulted me, but it wasn’t on campus but at his apartment. I ended up not reporting Peter, as you know if you’ve read my blog.


I did end up reporting Monster, the boyfriend who raped me, a year after it happened. He went to GCSU (Georgia College and State University) in Milledgeville, GA. I remember reporting was not fun. The police officer was a man, and I could tell how skeptical he was of me reporting. He asked why I waited and I told him it was because I thought no one would support me, and at the time I didn’t have anyone who would come with me to do it. Milledgeville is a three hour drive from Savannah, so it’s a long trek to go alone, especially when I could have run into Monster… In the room was the officer, myself, and a person from the university who handles cases within the university. In the end the police didn’t convict. They said they didn’t have sufficient evidence. The school however said they were still looking into it. I remember, and still have, the letter I got from the school saying they didn’t find sufficient evidence. I do have to wonder if they talked to any of Monsters friends who were there that night who witnessed how drunk I was and the fact that I had a flashback and I couldn’t walk…


When I reported Owen to the Savannah Chatham County Police, that was a completely different experience. I remember going there with Ramone and the woman at the desk was very supportive as I was breaking down crying waiting to talk to an officer. Ramone explained to the desk officer why I was breaking down, because my parents told me not to report. The woman told me I was doing the right thing. Eventually we saw an officer and he took down my statement and said he would pass it onto the sexual assault officer and I eventually got a call from that officer a couple days later. He again took my statement and worked with me. We did a recorded phone call and of course Owen had known I reported and played as if nothing happened that night. The officer told me he would do what he could and still investigate after that. He called the Rape Crisis in Savannah since I was in a suicidal state after that phone call. I went to Andy’s apartment where Quick Silver was also at. That night was terrifying and sad. Andy and Quick Silver kept me from doing anything to myself and helped me through the night.


The officer lied to me, I believe. My police professor at the college I go to now told me that a recorded phone call, if the perp denies anything happened then the case is ended. So I was pissed to know that my officer gave me false hope. I wish he was straight with me and told me there was nothing else he could do.


I obviously am being more open about my experience with my assaults in this post, and that’s because I want to be. Before I was scared. I mean, why do you think my blog is anonymous. I fear the repercussions of standing up for myself against these men. I fear what people will think of me if they knew who I really was.


Cody, India, Ramone, Quick Silver, and Andy are the only ones who gave me the reaction I was hoping for after telling them. My sister obviously told me it wasn’t my fault. Cody said the same thing and cried with me and held me and told me he couldn’t believe anyone could do such terrible things to me and that he wished he could hurt them in my defense. Ramone was horrified when I told him and he took me to the station, gave me the courage and support I needed to be able to report. Quick Silver told me that Owen raped me and reporting was my choice. Andy got angry and was about to go defend my honor. No one had shown anger for me when I told them except for Andy and Cody. Most just blamed me or asked why I did what I did, or what could I have done differently, or was I sure it was rape. Those were people I thought were my friends.


For those who are reading this and have been through similar situations I am sorry. I wish that rape and assault could end and not exist. It is so prominent in our culture and it makes me angry. That is why I am posting and being open. This documentary made me so angry to see all these women and hear their stories and know how terribly the colleges handled it. If anyone ever needs to reach out or talk, I’m here to listen. Seriously, my email is on the side of my site, feel free to shoot me an email if you need someone to talk to. I know how crappy and terrible it is to go through such a scary experience. I know how scary PTSD can be. I’ve been through it and still sometimes suffer from it. But there is hope and recovery is possible. Also, I’ve written this before, but those of you have gone through this…you are not a victim but a survivor. It takes tremendous courage and strength to keep going after such a traumatic violation. Especially when people turn on you. So know that you are not alone and you are strong. I believe in all of you and know that you can get through this.


My Journey Thus Far… (summary)

I have had so many memories at my current college. Good and bad. Happy and sad. Exciting and boring.


First going off to college I was a nervous wreck. I couldn’t eat for the first month, and not because of the eating disorder. It was simply because I was so nervous that I felt like I was going to be sick if I tried to really actually eat. My freshman year I had my roommate who was also my best friend leave second quarter. I had to move into a new room with new roommates and they didn’t really like me. It sucked. But I met Ethan and we got together and I spent a lot of time with him.

tumblr_nbfrsrSpYX1tq4of6o1_500We had so many good memories. I got Ethan into my friend group. We played soccer, and had 4 AM philosophical talks. We went to movies, and I met Ethan’s group of friends too. Everything was pretty great. I mean, it was both of our first relationships, so there were all those awkward moments of not knowing what to do. Then I got sexually assaulted by my classmate Peter. My anorexia got bad after that, and so did my relationship with Ethan.

tumblr_nesj0v4u4j1rhn1o8o1_500Ethan and I broke up at the end of freshman year. It was really hard on me. He was my first love, the person I would remember for my life. The person I would inevitably compare every other guy to. He set a lot of the standards I have. If I see a guy, and he does not live up to the positive qualities I admired in Ethan, then I get a bit turned off. But if the guy has the qualities that Ethan lacked, that I needed, then it gives them brownie points.


It’s true, there is a difference between the right love and a great love. Ethan was not the right love but a great one. He was and forever will be in my thoughts. When I think of love, I will think back to those moments. I still do think back to the moments when I knew I loved Ethan to figure out if I love another guy. I am still looking for that right love, and it will come with time. Monster was the second guy and last guy I’ve fallen in love with. I never told Monster I fell in love with him, but I felt safe saying I did here.


Chuck said it best. The world really is a screwed up place. Monster ended up raping me. That act shattered my world and sense of trust. For a while I doubted even Ethan and Eric, who were my best friends at the time. It took me months to admit what happened to me. I didn’t want to think of Monster in that way, because I loved him. In hindsight, he has made me a stronger person. I personally believe everything happens for a reason, and you can learn something from every experience you encounter if you are open to learning.


After Monster and going into treatment for my eating disorder in the winter of my sophomore year of college, I was very cynical and jaded towards love and men in general. I felt disgusted and fear every time I saw a man. In fact, after I admitted to myself that Monster raped me, I was suicidal. It was the only time I was actually going to go take pills to end it all before Ethan skyped me, essentially saving me. It took me a long time to have any sort of crush on a guy. But I did! While in treatment, I went to Barnes & Noble often because I felt safe there and comforted. There was this barista who worked the Starbucks in the shop. He was the first guy I found attractive and talked to often after the rape.


When I got back for my spring quarter after treatment I was doing a lot better. I actually ended up getting a christian boyfriend. We will call him Captain America. He was sweet and innocent and exactly what I needed. He learned a lot from me and we had a really sweet time together. Though when summer came we fell a part and broke up. It hit me hard and I went back to treatment for my anorexia because I started to stop eating again. tumblr_nesgcgeoNQ1u2hfx2o1_500

Eric and I started hanging out right as I got into treatment. It was hard to be back in treatment. I wasn’t happy about it. Eric helped me though, and we started to fool around and became girlfriend and boyfriend. Eric was safe, someone secure. He and I were so close before we got together and when we were together it was the best. It was definitely the healthiest relationship I had been in up to that point. That is until I decided to report Monster. Our relationship began to falter during that and coming back to school for our junior year. We broke up and he never really spoke to me again.tumblr_nes94rptae1s6hha7o1_500

Losing Eric as a friend killed me. I didn’t truly care about the breakup, yeah it hurt, but not as much as him dumping me as a friend. Nothing compares to the pain of losing your best friend, someone you considered family. Ethan also wasn’t much help during this period because this is when he asked me if Monster really raped me, creating a fissure in our friendship. Though before Eric stopped talking to me he did get me to go to AA which saved me.


After losing my two best friends things were pretty rough. I couldn’t understand why Eric and Ethan abandoned me. It killed me. And losing them meant I lost all my other friends. I was completely alone for a while. I did meet Owen, and we dated. I also met Quick Silver and Andy that quarter and we became friends too. Though, Andy and I ended up sleeping together one night when I got a concussion at a punk concert.


I had no one to talk to that quarter besides therapists. I think I called my sister almost every day that quarter. I however devoted myself to my work. I did everything I could to stay busy and forget that I was in the middle of an investigation and that I’d lost my two best friends.


That quarter in the end, I did know how to be alone and enjoy it. I had movie nights with myself, or stayed in and read a good book. I wrote in my journal, I wrote on this blog. I did whatever I could to keep my head above the water and be okay.


After losing Eric, my sense of trust had vanished. Knowing Quick Silver and Andy and hanging out with them didn’t make me trust them at all. Being with Owen and dating him, I didn’t truly trust him, hence why I didn’t get in a relationship with him. I wasn’t ready at that point in time. Winter break came and I didn’t really talk to anyone from school. I didn’t text Owen much, trying to give him space, plus he said we were just friends before I left…So I went out with this guy Shaggy and that was a whole mess of a mistake! tumblr_nesezjXNsU1u2hfx2o1_500

It really did feel as though I couldn’t do anything right. I couldn’t get romance right. I couldn’t get a job. I couldn’t really socialize over break. All I did was write and become introverted and more cynical and detached.tumblr_nes9cdA8xh1s6hha7o1_500

Before winter break happened, at the end of fall quarter Ethan got in a relationship. That was hard. I had met his girlfriend and to be honest I wasn’t a fan. Not because she was his object of desire, but I just didn’t like her personality and didn’t see them lasting. But during winter quarter it was hard knowing that Ethan had lost his virginity to her. Did he love her? Did he not love me? Those were the questions going in my head. He had rejected me for sex when we were together and that confused me to no end while we were together.tumblr_neopwhNHnY1svy70xo1_500

Truth be told I missed Ethan and Eric during this winter quarter. It was hard as hell. But Quick Silver and Andy were amazing. Owen raped me at the beginning of this quarter and I haven’t been the same since. I was and sometimes am suicidal. I breakdown all the time. I am scared all the time. I began to isolate. But Quick Silver and Andy were there through it all, not giving up on me, and showing me they care about me and would do what it takes to keep me alive in those dark times. Quick Silver once stayed the night to make sure I was going to be okay. That is true and real friendship and dedication. Quick Silver even got me to delete Eric and Ethan from my life.

tumblr_neqljigLHa1s2db3co1_500tumblr_neqilsMRO71s9fb0co1_500tumblr_neqgm88uGB1s0ti8uo1_500Though, it’s hard to truly delete someone from your life these days with social media. To this day social media has kept me connected to Ethan and Eric. Part of me is wondering about just deleting them from EVERYTHING- including Facebook. tumblr_nedsrcFLAE1qjzvcco1_500tumblr_mpzsroHGu21qi3w4eo4_r2_500

It’s truly sad to think that at the beginning of this quarter I tried talking to Ethan to repair our friendship yet he still remained indifferent. But he is living in denial. Denial that his friend could rape someone. Ethan isn’t ready to see the truth and admit it happened and that people you know are capable of doing such things. Ethan and I can never be friends until he can admit to himself this stuff. tumblr_ndeb9l8tRx1tcpj6do1_500

I started watching Onision video’s again, some of my favorites when my eating started to get bad again or I felt like no one would understand or be compassionate when I would tell them I was raped again. But Quick Silver, Andy and Ramone were great. Quick Silver got me through the first week after it happened and Ramone went with me to report it.

 tumblr_mj65jgcKOA1qe52v7o1_1280It was extremely hard for me to ask for Quick Silver and Andy’s help through out this winter quarter. I felt like such a burden every time I broke down. It was so hard for me to reach out and admit I needed help and support. But I did, and I am thankful because in doing so, I learned that Quick Silver and Andy really are my friends. There was even a moment when I broke down, and Quick Silver was holding me, I swear he was going to kiss me. It was the strangest feeling ever, of course it didn’t happen.


Sometimes being a good friend means putting emotions aside and being tough. My suicidal friend, who we will call Richard, is stubborn. When I went over that first night I had to yell at him and give him the tough reality of his situation about being dependent upon drugs and alcohol to keep him happy.

I guess the rest I have to say can be expressed in these gifs regarding leaving and heading on to my new adventure.

To Ethan:


To Eric:


To Andy:


To Quick Silver:


I am personally super excited and nervous for the next chapter in my life. I plan to really take advantage of this new start. I can’t wait to go to a new school and learn what I’m passionate about. I can’t wait to live it up without worrying about my safety. I can’t wait to just be free to be me without knowing people see me in a certain way and expect me to act that way.

To the future!tumblr_nekuoqL1Fa1tk9p3yo4_500tumblr_nesiztHcP11rhn1o8o1_500                                                          tumblr_m8ef29e3dK1qzi3tko4_250


I reported Owen

I made the choice yesterday, really with a huge push from Ramone. I went to hang out with Ramone and he could tell I was off and eventually he got me to admit what happened between Owen and me.

I told Ramone:

I went over to Owen’s and it seemed like we were making progress, we were actually talking and stuff, and then we started fooling around. I told him that, “I didn’t want to have sex with anyone unless they were my boyfriend. I’m not with casual sex.” Owen said,” I can respect that, but I wish you told me sooner.” I said, “Sorry.” Then we continued fooling around. I thought I was safe. But the next thing I know is we are passionately making out and then Owen is in me. I realize that he is having sex with me when I said I didn’t want to have sex. I told him, “Wait, whoa, what did I just say?” Owen stopped thrusting. Owen stayed still over me, still in me, for at least another 30 seconds to a minute. He finally pulled out. I was terrified, stuck in my head. I got dressed and pulled away from Owen. Owen started apologizing and saying that it wasn’t my fault. “I’m so sorry. It wasn’t your fault. I lost control. I got caught up, and I can’t help that you’re so irresistible. I know I just lost a lot of your trust how can I earn it back?” I just sat there silently trying to figure out if I should leave, if I should go get a medical exam done, if I should report it. “I am so sorry, really. Please, just don’t leave. Okay? I’m sorry,” Owen said as if reading my mind. Once Owen told me not to leave, I knew I couldn’t leave. I was scared to leave. Owen is ex-military with a gun and a very strong man of 30. I am a 21 year old girl who knows practically nothing about self-defense and can easily be overpowered. I weighed my options in my head and I didn’t think I could grab my things and make it to my car without him chasing after me, trying to stop me, so I stayed because I didn’t want anything worse to happen. In the morning he woke up and I woke up too, he kissed me goodbye, and then I fell asleep again. I woke up and I left. I left knowing what happened but not wanting to say it. Not wanting to admit that I’ve now been raped 2 times. This proved me right in waiting to figure out whether I wanted to be with Owen or not. I sure as hell don’t want to be with a guy who can’t respect no.

Ramone told me I had been raped and I needed to report it. I told him I was scared to go to the station on my own and I was scared people would turn on me or leave me or hate me. He asked “why would they?”

I replied “I don’t know.”

He said he would go to the station with me, and barely gave me time to resist, and we were soon out the door heading to the parking lot to get my car. I called my dad on the way there because I am one who seeks approval from their parents. My dad said I should’t report it. I would look bad, it wouldn’t hold up, and he said what was I expecting if I were fooling around? My parents agree that it was rape, no doubt, but they said I had to look at my actions and see why this happened to me again. Made me feel like it was my fault. My sister was on my side, but she also agrees that if it were her she wouldn’t report it. I told her that me confronting the guy who did me wrong didn’t help in the past- it actually made it worse- so that’s another reason I’m just reporting it. I am doing it to stand up for myself, try to not let it happen to someone else, and to not just be a “victim”. I respect any individual victims choice of whether or not to report. I personally believe that it is my duty as a victim to report because when people don’t say anything the problem continues. But if people spoke up, then maybe things could slowly change.

I hung out with Quick Silver after the reporting. I told Quick Silver and he said I made the right decision too, and fully supports me. I also told him that I sometimes cut. He doesn’t like that subject to say the least. I did cut “XO” in my arm with a safety pin the other night, but it was just scratching no bleeding, and I stopped myself before it got worse. I just, after Monster I cut “XO” into my arm because Love and Abuse were mixed up and confused. I am angry about Owen and the only way I could get my emotions out were by scratching “XO” on my arm. But Quick Silver and I got dinner and talked and he was very supportive of me and made me feel like I did the right thing. He told me my parents were stupid.

“If I had a car, I would have made you go to the station too. I just didn’t have one and wasn’t sure…and I just want you to know I would have done that for you too. And if you ever need me to tell your parents to fuck off, I’ll do that. I would have hung up on your parents too if I was in the car listening to them telling you all those things. But seriously, if you ever are with me and you’re on the phone with your parents about this and they give you a hard time, I’ll talk to them,” Quick Silver told me.

That’s why I am glad to have Quick Silver as a friend. This reminds me why I want him as just a friend. Yeah he is cute. So is Andy. So is Ramone. But all of them, I want them as my friends. But seriously, Quick Silver and Ramone gave me something I haven’t had in ages- a friend who is completely on my side supporting me. They have no idea how much last night meant to me.

Anyways, I get the report on monday. Owen is out of town and won’t know I did this until they start investigating. All I can pray for is that he didn’t wash his sheets. But still it’s a he said/she said thing.

But I am very scared. My dad even pointed out to me, “What if Owen gets angry at you for tarnishing his name and goes after you or decides to get revenge?”

I told him that I thought of that already. And I have, hell that’s what I was thinking the night it happened when I was in Owen’s bed trying to figure out what to do. Trust me, I am scared. Owen not respecting my choice to not want to have sex showed something about his character I didn’t know before. Him getting angry at me for ending it and trying to blame it on me shows me something about his character I didn’t know before. It was the right decision to take it slow with labels with Owen, because I am so glad he was never my boyfriend. I don’t even know him if he can do that. And you wanna know the worst part? Before the rape and fooling around happened, I was telling Owen how hard of a week it had been with my PTSD symptoms and telling him I was too scared to leave my apartment at times.

So to those reading this, please, I believe I did the right thing. I don’t need any negatively with me towards this decision. I am already feeling humiliated that this has happened to me again, ashamed, and angry. I understand my parents wanted to protect me, and they thought by me saying nothing I was being protected. But no, that just enables the problem. I already feel like crap. Like with Monster, I had feelings for Owen, and it was a hard decision to make, but when I take emotions out of it, I know what he did was wrong and I can’t let my emotions for someone cloud that. That’s what I did with Monster and look how all that ended up?

Also just saw a snapchat from Owen, he is out of town, it’s confirmed. I feel a little safer- for now.

Thanks for reading.


Can I just say What The Fuck?

So I ended up going to my evening Detective class.

I just got a text from Ramone asking to hang out. I said as long as that’s not code for getting in my pants. He replies, “No, it doesn’t mean get into your pants. After the talk I kinda went all protective mode on you and kinda see you as a little sister.”

WHAT THE FUCK. Right? Then I was like, “What do you mean?”

He replies, “Well not exactly. I mean still find you attractive, but after all the stuff you told me, I felt like a scum bag who took advantage of you and, I dunno, theres like this compulsion to help/protect you anyway I can.”

I said, “I’m still confused.”


He said, “Don’t worry about it. Bottom line, i’m not looking to fuck you.”

I said, “So we are friends?”

He said, “Did I lead you on? I’m sorry.”


So fuck, I not only lose Owen this week, but now losing Ramone before I even had him? Damnit! Hopefully my coffee date with this guy from Tinder goes well tomorrow or I’m going to have my self-esteem just plummet.


Also because of how busy I’ve been I haven’t exactly been eating…and I should eat dinner now…but I am so not in the mood after all this.

Fuck. Why are guys so complicated? Like either just…fuck. This is bullshit. Damnit.



Quick Silver to the rescue again!


Well, when I was breaking down over Owen who did I call after talking to my sister, who wasn’t being the most helpful? I texted Quick Silver. I told him what happened and he said, “come over.”

I thank the gods I met Quick Silver. He really is a good friend. I feel very thankful that Quick Silver was able to help me last week with the whole Ethan and Ramone situation, and even more grateful that he was able to help me tonight. I know it’s 3:30 in the morning… I just got back from talking with him.

We covered numerous topics. We talked about Owen a lot and the situation. He believes I did the right thing, and that I did nothing wrong. He believes Owen was in the wrong for starting to have sex with me the other night, when I specifically said I didn’t want to have sex unless the guy was my boyfriend. Quick Silver made certain things clear, and easier to deal with.

I even got into some really personal things I wasn’t sure I would talk about. I, again talked about Ethan and the whole deal with him not believing me. I talked about Monster and the rape. I talked about Peter and the sexual assault a little bit. I even talked about the night that I admitted to myself that Monster raped me, and told Quick Silver that that night I was suicidal. I haven’t really told many people that. The only people who know about that night are Ethan and Eric since they were on the other end of a Skype call. Those two saved me that night. I think Quick Silver is the first person I’ve told about that night…I didn’t even think I would go there, but again…Owen having sex with me, or starting to when I actually had the courage to voice that I didn’t want to really brought up a lot of shit.

Telling Owen the other night that I didn’t want to have sex with anyone unless they were my boyfriend was a huge thing for me, to say no. I haven’t really been able to do that, so Owen doing that really did upset me and make me lose trust in him.

Also once I calmed down after an hour or two I realized I hadn’t been that emotionally volatile since I started taking Latuda. I was going from sad and crying to really angry and talking quickly and all that shit. I was trying to gage whether or not I was a bit bipolar tonight in my reaction. I honestly, since having started taking Latuda, have had pretty stable moods for the most part. Though, I feel tonight, with everything that happened with Owen it triggered something. I mean, it’s 3 AM and I am tired but I’m still wide awake. Quick Silver said I was definitely swinging from one emotion and mood to another. I felt it too, and it was strange because I haven’t had that quick of mood changes in a while. So blah.

But seriously can we have a round of applause for Quick Silver? I really am glad he is my friend. He gave me hugs when I needed them, and held me when I cried. I haven’t had a friend who I could do that with since the end of the summer. I thanked Quick Silver so many times, and told him that I was glad he was my friend and stuff. It was funny because once all was good, he was like, “Would you mind driving me to McDonalds, I’m starving.” Of course I would! Jeez! He totally helped me through a real breakdown, the least I could do was drive him to get food. Quick Silver said he was shocked that I really broke down tonight and that I was less severe when talking about Ethan and Ramone last week.

A huge thanks to Quick Silver! And I really don’t want to have to get up in four hours to go to the doctors to get blood taken :/ and I really don’t want to have to finish writing that essay, or go to my classes…Oh well….C’est la vie!


Can someone let me know?

I am just curious. Are there still guys out there who are looking for relationships and not just hookups or one night stands?

I, for one, take romance seriously. Though I have had sex with two guys where it was meaningless, that doesn’t mean I liked it. I much prefer having sex with someone I feel a connection to, and I feel like most other girls do to.

So, to all the guys out there reading this, is it just this generation that sucks, or is there still hope out there? Most guys I talk to, or who have interest in me, seem to not be interested in relationships. I get it that some are focused on their work and others stupid things like video games. Yes, I called video games stupid. Not all are, but when a guy sits in front of a computer or gaming console playing video games for over 4 hours, I kind of start to question the guy. Sorry to those out there who play games that much. If it is your career, however, that is different. I understand that there are people at my school who are majoring in Game design, and it makes sense for those guys to play games for that long since they are studying the game.

But back to my question…Are there still guys out there who want real, meaningful, serious relationships?

I really do want to be able to connect to someone, to be able to talk to someone for hours and be excited. To be able to actually want to have sex with a guy, and be comfortable with it. I guess, having sex with Ramone earlier this week reminded me of how much I missed having the real thing compared to having the meaningless thing.

So any guys want to comment on this? Any girls agree with this struggle? Any advice overall on how to overcome this battle that seems impossible to win?


PTSD symptoms…

So ever since I had sex with Ramone, I feel like I’ve been struggling with PTSD symptoms all week. But they weren’t bad enough to really talk about. Tonight though, I finally dressed up because my sister and I were going out for dinner then planning on walking downtown or going to a party. All week I dressed down. Casual clothes hoping not to be noticed by any guys. Of course, I caught guys checking me out, which made me angry. My thought process was like, “Dude! Why are you checking me out? I am in sweats and a casual t-shirt! Stop looking at me like that!”

And tonight after dinner I was so scared that we just went home after. It was the first time I dressed up since I got back to school, and I just got scared. I wasn’t ready for a guy to look at me like that I guess. I’m not sure. All I know is I am kicking myself right now for being so scared. Like, why should I be housebound or dress down because of how scared I am? I should not let stupid PTSD rape triggers to make me that scared. But I realize that I should accept that something upset me enough so that I need to process through something.

I also texted Owen, and he gets the whole PTSD thing. But idk, I feel strange talking about it. Idk. Just a rough night and a hectic week. But Owen is being sweet and asking if I need anything. I asked to see if he was free for coffee tomorrow, or something. So maybe he will be free, but I don’t expect anything.

Just feeling unsafe right now :/


Quick Silver and I got closer!

Last night I went over to Quick Silvers. Andy was also there for a bit. So we all just chilled for a while, but then Quick Silver kicked Andy out and Quick Silver and I really talked about everything that’s been going on. We talked about Ramone, and we talked about Ethan.

I didn’t want Andy to hear about Ethan because Andy, on my birthday, told me not to contact Ethan again. I however, because of the funeral, didn’t want to regret not talking to Ethan if one of us should die randomly.

So I talked to Ethan. And he still doesn’t believe me or Monster and is sticking with indifference and staying neutral.


Quick Silver said that’s not a good friend. Quick Silver helped me delete Ethan and Eric’s numbers from my phone. It was scary to delete Ethan’s number. It meant it was real, that I was officially starting the process of cutting him out of my life.

Ironically I bumped into Ethan and the friend who couldn’t make it to my bday dinner. She invited me to lunch tomorrow a couple days ago, and I finally told her I could go. She was like, “Ethan and I are also having lunch, but now it can be the three of us.” It was really strange, because Ethan and I were talking and I totally forgot I had deleted his number until our friend said all of us could get lunch. See, I guess I forgot that I had deleted Ethan’s number because I simply thought oh, I bumped into Ethan, let’s have small talk. I didn’t think it would lead to him, her, and me all hanging out.

I don’t know what to do. I texted Quick Silver and explained what happened today, and I don’t wanna be a burden or stupid or something but I kinda do…

Also Quick Silver and I were talking about Ramone and all that. We talked about relationships and friendships in general. I came to some epiphanies, I guess. Part of me has this tiny crush on Quick Silver and I hate it! I really do. It sucks haha, but I can ignore it. I enjoy Quick Silver as a friend for sure! Like even though he is physically like gorgeous, I wouldn’t ever actually try anything with him ever. The only thing I should be focusing on is school- and my dog which I am planning to get soon! Like within the next week or so.


My Date with Ramone…

Well can I say fuck me royally?

He ended up getting a flat on the way and was late, but then we grabbed coffee and tea, and walked around for a bit and then we went back to my place. We started watching Dexter but soon were making out, and then one thing led to another…and now I’ve had sex with him.

Fuck. I so didn’t mean for that one to happen. I really honestly thought all I would do is make out with him at most.

I can’t tell if I feel guilty or bad or just plain like trash. I know that those aren’t supposed to be the feelings you feel with sex, so that makes me annoyed. It was a one night stand. something I really tend not to do. I think I just feel bad because I had sex with someone who doesn’t want more? Or at least I feel like he doesn’t.

All I know is I feel like I stupidly had expectations. Is it wrong for me to think a guy might want more than one date? Or actually like me as a person? I guess I feel like shit because lately all I feel like I am to a guy is “a piece of ass.” I guess my mistake was sleeping with him. My mistake was actually being attracted to him. My mistake was actually hoping that maybe he wanted more than just a fuck. IDK he said he’d text me or something sometime.

This is why I gave up on guys and romance. Maybe I’m just going low because I was high earlier. Not high as in stoned, high as in mood. I actually was hopeful. The date seemed promising until we jumped into bed. I think my problem is that I think if I don’t give the guy what he wants he will walk away. The real problem is I give the guy what he wants and then he walks away. So it was my mistake, it’s on me for sleeping with someone.

But I will admit this, there were moments where when we had sex, it felt safe, no judgement. It was a feeling I haven’t had in a long time. I think that’s why this one hurts. It hurts because I lost something I used to have. With Andy I didn’t feel what I just felt with Ramone. With Owen I sure as hell didn’t feel what I just felt with Ramone. I guess I just got a taste of what I’ve been looking for, and now I am sure after today it’s gone.


Way too tired

I got in pretty late last night from my flight, so I am exhausted for my 8 AM. Plus, I now am out of cereal, milk, half-n-half, and more, so I will have to go grocery shopping later today.

After my 8 AM I have to meet with a councilor about the Emotional Support Animal to get the paperwork done. Then after that, I have a lunch date with a guy who I failed to truly mention before.

So hopefully he doesn’t sleep through our lunch date 😛 because I have been thinking about him. Which annoys me. I truly wasn’t sure if he was still interested, but I guess he is(?).

I am truly nervous though. Because even though this guy, who we’ll call Ramone, and I have talked briefly at concerts and seen each other, what if we can’t find anything to talk about. What if all he talks about is sex? Because he is very expressive sexually when texting me. Which sometimes I don’t mind, I even am flattered. But if I’m not in the mood then it comes off annoying, or like he’s only interested in me for sex- which hell he could be with the luck I’ve had with guys.

But sadly, there’s this part of me that hopes today’s lunch date goes well. A part of me really wants it to go well. Maybe just so I can have hope again for guys. I just pray he doesn’t want just sex from me, or I will thoroughly be dissapointed.