Family Friend Dinner, Best Boyfriend, and Easter

Yesterday Cody shocked me. We had sex and I had came and then he was okay stopping. He was exhausted but he didn’t mind not coming, and if you’ve read my posts you will know my history with guys has been the opposite. It’s always the guy coming and me being unsatisfied.

We then had a family friend dinner that night. He was finally meeting our family friends after like nine months. I was so excited. Cody was nervous. It honestly went really well. The one thing that really got me angry though was that my mom didn’t make me anything for dinner. If our family friends didn’t make a caesar salad I wouldn’t have eaten last night. My mom, as always, didn’t really make carbs. It just reminded me of all the dinners before that we’ve had with them, and my sister and I would get upset because mom wouldn’t make food for me, and I would always end up cooking for myself either right before we all sat down for dinner or when they were all eating.

After dinner we played Celebrity. It’s a really fun game that we’ve been playing since we were kids with them. We each write down 5 celebrity names and have to end up guessing them with the hints we give. Cody got to play last night. I totally dominated, as always. But I guess I was a little too aggressive and competitive. So I felt bad about it. Even the family friends said I should calm down. Cody also said I was too intense.

*Trigger Warning to those with eating disorders for the paragraph below*

The reason I got so annoyed during the game was because he wrote down Scarlett Johansson, which is the one actress I’ve had issues with. I have had multiple people tell me I look like her, which is a huge compliment, but I also feel insecure with that. I feel like she is a movie star, model, who is drop dead gorgeous, and here I am a normal girl. When Cody went out to stop n shop after dinner I ended up looking up pictures of her to torture myself and compare myself. I then looked up her measurements because I wanted to torture myself further, but it completely backfired. I have the same measurements as her pretty much. Same height, she weighs more than me, but we have the same bust and hop ratio and our waist ratio is off by one. One friend told me that the ideal women’s measurements were 36-24-36 (Bust, Waist, Hip ratio). I am 36-26-36. I am two inches off from that. Scarlett is 36-25-36. So this actress I’ve been comparing myself to, for years, I have found out we have almost the same measurements. I felt pretty stupid when I found that out, but at the same time a bit relieved. I guess I really do have an almost ideal hourglass figure, which to my anorexic mind, makes me feel better. Cody came home and found me with a ruler and string. I explained to him and he felt bad but at the same time was glad it backfired. He hates when I torture myself with comparing myself to other women.

Then this morning I woke up to find a bouquet of flowers with an easter basket on our table. I knew Cody was getting something for me last night. It was sweet to wake up to that. We went out to brunch and that was nice. One of the family friends commented on a photo I posted and said, “Don’t know if you deserve it after last night :P” as a joke but then Cody said, “Yeah you don’t deserve it.” Probably as a joke, but I still feel really bad. I know it’s stupid, but now I really feel like I don’t deserve the roses (which I’ve told Cody I love as a random surprise) and the easter basket…

Hope everyone is having a great Easter Sunday though! 🙂

XOXO Anna

Day 6

Lots has happened since I last posted. After I posted last I broke down completely. India came up to the attic to check on me. I poured my heart out to her and we seemed to be in a better place after that.

I spent Christmas eve with Cody and his family. I met his grandparents. Dinner sucked though. Cody and I got into…or well Cody did something that hurt me but no worries we are good now. But I really wasn’t sure for a while. I really wanted to self harm but I couldn’t because I was at the dinner table when it all went down. I started using my wrist band and snapping it against my wrist just so I could focus on that so I wouldn’t break down at the dinner table. After a while that didn’t cut it and I held the band tightly against my skin and rubbed it back and forth on my wrist. I did it too much and broke skin. My wrist still hurts which sucks, but whatever at least I didn’t “really” self-harm.

Anyways, Christmas was good. I woke up and spent the first half at my house with my family and then went to Cody’s house to spend the rest of Christmas with his family. Christmas morning I talked to my dad about what happened with Cody and he is the one who helped me get over it or at least be okay about it. India bought Cody a present and she even wrote him a note. That was huge for her. When my dad was wrapping Cody’s gift he asked if he should write from “the in-laws” which I said I think Cody would like. That’s my dad’s sense of humor for you.

Christmas at Cody’s was amazing. His family rocks. I met his aunts, uncles, and cousins. He has a big family and half of them weren’t even at the Christmas dinner. I loved my Christmas with them. I even ate normally! It was amazing. Like, growing up, I always wanted a big family and never had one and last night I knew what it was like to have a big family so to speak and it was really fun.

I got home today and things went back to hell. See, tonight was supposed to be hibachi with India, her boyfriend and me. But this morning before I got home my mom called me and said that Cody, me, them, and my granddad were going out to dinner. I assumed that my mom had spoken to my sister. But then I got a text from India asking me to make reservations for us tonight because she, her boyfriend, and friend were joining dinner with us.

My sister is not ready to be in a room with Cody so I figured some miscommunications had happened. Getting home I said, “there’s been miscommunication.” I talked to my parents in the upstairs TV room, and my sister’s room is down the hall so she heard everything. She got the impression that I wanted to have dinner with Cody more than with her. She was crying and I went to her room to talk to her and she was yelling at me. My dad intervened and said some stuff that I personally knew was probably the wrong thing to say in the situation. My sister got really hurt when he said that we were all on pins and needles since she’s gotten home.

It’s true though, we all don’t know what will make her explode. She all have tried to be cautious with our actions and words. Though I’ve mentioned Cody a lot and that’s only to get her to be desensitized, which I explained to her days ago.

So today’s plans have totally fallen apart. My sister, her boyfriend, and friend are doing hibachi without me. My parents cancelled our dinner so Cody and I are back at his house now and his dad is going to make us dinner.

It’s crazy how something as simple as miscommunications about plans made us loose the progress we’ve made over the past 6 days. I honestly thought I was getting my sister back. I actually had hope. Now… everything feels crushed. My family is hoping that she calms down by tomorrow and that we can all be peaceful again.

Cody and I might have a poker night, finally, but not sure yet. Hopefully the rest of today goes well…

XOXO Anna

Finally Moving into the Attic!

Cody still needs to paint around one window, but besides that the bedroom is painted! We are going to be moving things up there today. We need help getting things out of the hang out room, but we will do that later.

I’m excited to finally be moving up there. The room looks great! It will be nice to have our own space instead of being in my bedroom which is small. We have lots of closet room and plenty of drawers.

I think Cody will be getting off of his computer soon, so maybe he and I will actually start moving stuff up there. I also wanted to go to pier 1 to get some stuff for the attic. The hang out room will have a coffee, tea, and snack area so I wanna get some things to hold sugar and stuff like that. I don’t know if that will happen today though, I don’t know if we have time.

We might go to dinner with his dad tonight. Originally it was supposed to be just us but his dad texted him if he wanted to get dinner with him. I just don’t want dinner to be awkward if I am struggling with whatever meal I’m having. I know Cody’s sister and brother know about my anorexia, but I don’t know if his dad does, and how awkward would it be if the dad asked why Cody was telling me to eat? I don’t know, I also don’t want that to make it seem like I’m not good enough for Cody or that… I just … I guess I just want to be the “trophy girl.”

That’s just a role I am used to. I like it when parents like me, and I want them to approve of me being with their son. I don’t want them thinking of me in a negative light, or thinking because I have a certain issue it’s something that they don’t want their son dealing with or having to deal with. I don’t know. Stupid anxiety.

I also just don’t know what we would all talk about at dinner. I mean, I quit my job to go to treatment, and now I don’t have a job and I’m not even going to treatment. I mean, I have a therapist I am going to see this week who specializes in eating disorders. But seriously I don’t exactly look like the greatest catch at the moment.

I actually was happy about my job because I felt like that made Cody’s dad more proud of me, or like I was worth being with his son. I don’t know. I just wouldn’t know what to say if his dad asked me how I was doing. I don’t lie, or I don’t like lying. Cody and his dad would probably talk about work and such, so I would be left out. I just don’t want to feel like a third wheel. But I do like hanging out with Cody’s family. I do want to get to know Cody’s dad more though. But maybe I just don’t want to go out to dinner because I have my period and I’ve been a bit crampy. Who knows.

I just am excited about the attic and I’ll stay focused on that.

XOXO Anna

Rediscovering Old Passions and Family Dinner

When I’m single I usually have time to do whatever I want. Being in a relationship I don’t always have that time. But today, being off work, and just doing me, I’ve been pretty happy today. Not to say I’m not happy with being with Cody, hell no. I’ve never been happier with anyone than him. But I forgot how much I loved reading, mainly because I used to read to escape the real world, and same goes with writing. It’s just, being happy for me means I don’t always do the things I used to do. I got two books today at Barnes and Noble to read, and I plan to write today. It’s been a good day so far.

Also my parents met Cody’s dad. It was an interesting night. My mom drank a lot, and it was karaoke night at the restaurant we went to…and she got up and sang. I couldn’t take that night sober, so I drank. I even took a video of when my mom grabbed Cody and they were dancing and…wow. I laugh every time I watch that. I know Cody hates it when I video or take photos, but I am a sentimental person who likes memories…especially when my memory sucks. Every since my trauma’s my memory has been terrible to say the least. So I love when I can video things or take pictures. I WANT to remember these times. Even if they are embarrassing because one day we can laugh at them.

I’ve been pretty scared over the past couple days. Scared of intimacy. Scared to be close. And during the past week or two when I was really depressed all I wanted was to push Cody away so I could deal with it on my own, not because I wanted to deal with it on my own, but because I wanted to spare him being around me like that. But he was amazing. He stayed with me, helped me through it, and just wanted to help. It was nice to have Cody be there for me. I know I should probably let him be there but it’s still hard for me to do and to accept.

Hope everyone has a good weekend! I am working on Saturday and doing a double on Sunday so my weekend will be hell.

XOXO Anna

Waiting, Conversations, and Family Dinner Tonight

Cody had a great interview with my parents company and he is starting off by going in on his off days from his other job, and once the company figures out exactly what is needed to be done, then Cody if the trial part goes well, will be working for them!

I am still waiting to hear back about my job application. The waiting is annoying. But Cody found two really cool apartment complex’s in perfect locations. If we both get the jobs then we will move out!

Last night Cody and I talked. I will be honest, these past couple weeks I knew something was up with Cody, and I was worried it was me, but it wasn’t. Cody was just super stressed about his job, and the fact that he could be working for my parents has changed his mood completely! Cody and I were both honest with each other and we were both glad we talked.

My mom just informed me that we are having a family dinner tonight at seven with our close family friends, who I really want Cody to meet! But tonight is a dinner with just the family, and we are going to tell them about my sister running away. I am really not looking forward to this dinner because last time I went out with them was right when I met Cody actually, and I ended up crying at the restaurant because of the conversation topic and how heated it got. So I am a bit nervous about dinner tonight…Hoping all goes well.

XOXO Anna

Made Dinner

It’s chicken noodle soup. Should be easy. It’s not. Fuck treatment. Fuck Eating. I’m angry, I’ve identified that emotion I was numbing. It’s pure anger and frustration. Damn body image issues, damn fucking refeeding syndrome, fuck it all. My parents aren’t here, I made dinner myself. I don’t know where my sister is, and I don’t want to ask her for help. I pray I actually finish this because I don’t want to go to treatment tomorrow feeling like a complete fucking failure.

XOXO Anna

Messy Emotions and Steps Forward

Two night ago me, my mom, and dad went to a dinner with family friends. The dinner originally started off well, but then later in the night got crazy heated. I don’t want to go into detail but I cried at the dinner table that’s how bad it got. After the dinner Cody picked me up and we and his friends went to the beach and then a friends house and back to his place.

Once at his place we were making out and stuff. This time it went a little further…as in underwear coming off. I was really nervous but I was fine until he lowered his boxers. I freaked out in my head thinking he wanted sex. After a while of making out uncomfortably I got off him and curled up into myself. Cody was very confused and I just couldn’t speak for a bit. I knew that this was the moment I had been dreading. Telling Cody I’ve been sexually assaulted and raped twice. So I eventually wrote it down. Cody read it and turned to me and hugged me.

He said he was angry, angry that someone could do that to me. Though he knows nothing about psychology, his reaction was the reaction I wish I had from everyone I’ve told. He also doesn’t think of me as damaged and nothings changed. The next morning, he was very sweet and we went out to get Robeks and he took me home to shower so we could meet up for lunch.

At lunch we went to Panera and I got salad and some pasta. Cody and I ate and talked and agreed that was our second date. Cody noticed me twirling my fork, which I told him meant that I was struggling with the meal, and he helped me through it. Like, it was very sweet. I actually wasn’t bothered by it and appreciated it. Then we were invited to go swimming, but I didn’t have a swim suit so we had to go to Victoria’s Secret to look for one.

When at the store it was way uncomfortable for me, and it ended up being a bust. Also Cody was talking about the Victoria Secret models and not in a positive way which shocked me since Victoria’s Secret models were what I aspired to be with my eating disordered thinking. It really was nice to hear one guy say that they didn’t want a Victoria Secret model type.

I eventually just got a swim suit at home that had been laying around luckily that fit. We then went to his friends house and swam. We all chilled in the hot tub and Cody got me a beer and I only had two beers but I got drunk, like barely able to walk drunk which was fucking humiliating. Cody looked at the alc content and it was like 9 instead of the normal 5. Cody felt so bad about getting me that drunk. I told him it wasn’t his fault. I was the one who drank the beers.

But something good did come out of that drunken state. Cody and I went back to his place and we chilled until we were sobering up and we talked and made out. Cody said he hoped to be my future boyfriend. He said he wants to wait another week or so, but he wants to be. I was honestly shocked but fucking thrilled because Cody is so nice and I’ve never had that.

Today I went to Renfrew and did my assessment, now I have doc appointments to set up and I will start treatment next week.

XOXO Anna

Had a fun dinner!

It was great seeing our family friends. It was nice to catch up with them and letting them know about my new school and new path. Also we talked about jobs, and they think they know of something for me…so hopefully that pans out…Fingers crossed!

XOXO Anna

Had a blast last night with friends!

Last night I hung out with a couple of my guy friends. I’ve mentioned two of the three on here. It was Arrow, Richard and another friend. Me and this other friend go to group together so we grabbed lunch after that and then later we headed downtown to meet Arrow and Richard. I got dressed up, makeup and all, and had a blast. Of course, if I hadn’t had guy friends with me I wouldn’t have gone out nor dressed up. But I wanted to dress up. We were going to my favorite place for dinner. It’s a hibachi place and the food is amazing there!

Then today me and the friend that goes to group went to see Kingsman. There was some camera stuff I didn’t like, but as a writer, I liked certain things. There were moments were it seemed a bit childish, but then there were more serious moments. Overall a pretty good film. Definitely entertaining!

Having a great weekend so far! Now time to do homework

XOXO Anna

Valentine’s Day Evening

I ended up hanging out with Arrow after spending the day with my mom. Arrow and I hung out downtown and he bought me a drink and we just hung out in my car until Quick Silver called me to let me know that he was home from set. I had asked Quick Silver if he could keep my lighters and safety pins so I wouldn’t have anything to self-harm with if I had the urge, and he said sure.

So after Arrow and I hung out I went to Quick Silvers and we hung out until 3 am, hence why I was so tired this morning. I gave him a rose that me and my mom got at the movies since I already had a bunch of white roses at my place and didn’t need another one. We talked for like three hours, and it was good stuff, or memories, or things we liked, etc. I even asked if I could have one of his graphic designs printed out. He offered to design something new, but we never really discussed what. Also because I am into psychology and criminology he asked me if I profiled or analyzed those around me, which I said, “No freaking duh.” So he asked me to give him his profile. I did, and the only thing that shocked him was that I said that I thought he was protective. I told him I got the protective vibe from him, and I gave him examples and he saw it once I mentioned it. He said he hasn’t been protective of anyone since his one friend in high school, so it didn’t cross his mind. I asked him to give me my profile, but it was too late, so he will tell me another day. When I handed over my seven lighters and three safety pins I told him not to lose them and that he was holding onto them until I was ready to be around them again. He said, he was keeping them until he could trust me with them, and if I did self harm with them after he gives them back that he will take them and destroy them. Some might think there is a fault in this plan, like “She can just go buy more lighters/safety pins.” Well, I wouldn’t because the ones Quick Silver has are sentimental and for some reason those are the only ones I’d use to self-harm. Quick Silver gave me a hug goodnight and we parted ways. I am glad I can trust someone. I know that I’ve probably mentioned that even though Quick Silver and Andy said they were my friends, I never really felt it. Well, the other night when Andy took me through the trauma, and Quick Silver got me to open up and be honest, I felt genuine care. I felt like they really were my friends and not just putting up with me. That’s the moment I felt like we were friends.

XOXO Anna

Hung out with a friend

Yesterday my friend who we’ll call Arrow, auditioned for my film and after that we hung out. We grabbed dinner, talked, and just had fun. We talked about Valentine’s day and said if both of us didn’t have a valentine we would be each other’s valentine. Lame but sweet. He might be out of town on Valentine’s and he said if that happened we could hang out on sunday instead.

It’s sweet. He gets it. Being alone on valentine’s isn’t fun, so why not find another single friend and spend valentine’s with them? Seems legit.

I don’t really have any girl friends who are single or free, so I guess Ethan’s friend Arrow will be okay. We are just friends, and that’s nice. No freaking pressure. I also told him about Owen and what happened, but I made it sound light, so it seemed like it wasn’t a big deal. We also talked about Ethan a lot which did upset me at times to hear certain things. But I can’t change that fact that Ethan doesn’t know how to be loyal, or he is just not good at being loyal.

XOXO Anna

Small Victory

So I got out of class early since I finished the test before class time was over. I decided to go downtown and eat dinner by myself. It was dark by the time I got out of class, and though I was scared, I pushed myself to go out.

XOXO Anna

Who can you trust these days and Fake Romance…

It seems as though I am surrounded by liars. I feel as though I must analyze and test those around me before I let them in, which isn’t exactly something I want to do.

And that’s me just talking about making friends, let alone meeting someone romantically.

Valentine’s Day is coming up and I’m single, along with many others. It’s just sad that I’ll be seeing many couples being all love-y on this one day. It’s as if they are flaunting how amazing it is to have someone.

Yes, this is a rant. And I know it is nice to have someone, but truly how romantic is Valentine’s? Really it is just some day where one feels obligated to treat their partner amazingly. Out of all the holidays Valentine’s day is one of the worst.

Do you remember being a kid and having to make valentines for your classmates? It was obligated. Even today, couples feel obligated to get flowers and chocolate for each other or go out for a nice dinner. In reality, simple sweet things should be done any day of the year, without obligation.

I guess, I just wish that people would do the sweet little things in every day situations rather than on one “special” day, where if you really think about it, is meaningless to do.

XOXO Anna

PTSD symptoms…

So ever since I had sex with Ramone, I feel like I’ve been struggling with PTSD symptoms all week. But they weren’t bad enough to really talk about. Tonight though, I finally dressed up because my sister and I were going out for dinner then planning on walking downtown or going to a party. All week I dressed down. Casual clothes hoping not to be noticed by any guys. Of course, I caught guys checking me out, which made me angry. My thought process was like, “Dude! Why are you checking me out? I am in sweats and a casual t-shirt! Stop looking at me like that!”

And tonight after dinner I was so scared that we just went home after. It was the first time I dressed up since I got back to school, and I just got scared. I wasn’t ready for a guy to look at me like that I guess. I’m not sure. All I know is I am kicking myself right now for being so scared. Like, why should I be housebound or dress down because of how scared I am? I should not let stupid PTSD rape triggers to make me that scared. But I realize that I should accept that something upset me enough so that I need to process through something.

I also texted Owen, and he gets the whole PTSD thing. But idk, I feel strange talking about it. Idk. Just a rough night and a hectic week. But Owen is being sweet and asking if I need anything. I asked to see if he was free for coffee tomorrow, or something. So maybe he will be free, but I don’t expect anything.

Just feeling unsafe right now

XOXO Anna

Eating Disorder group tonight

Tonight is my first night back to my group I go to on wednesdays since I went on break. I am kinda nervous because I don’t know what we are having for dinner….plus I feel “fat” and I also had to go to Victoria’s Secret today to get more bra’s so that was highly triggering. I swear I almost started crying in the changing room because of how angry I was at my reflection. Damn irrational anorexia thoughts!

XOXO Anna

Dinner was great!

I am so happy I got a chance to see my science teachers family before I left. The kids loved their presents, and the dinner was so good! Their dog was so sweet and energetic. The hour drive was totally worth it. Though, I am so exhausted now. I still have to pack and my flight is tomorrow in the afternoon

C’est la vie!

XOXO Anna

Dinner

Tonight I was invited over to my high school science teachers house for dinner since I babysat for his kids. I got them Christmas presents and can’t wait to see them!

I babysat for them for the first half of the summer. They are great kids! I absolutely love them. The family also has a dog named Copper who is a big baby. I can’t wait to catch up with the family and see how the kids have been doing in school. I really hope they enjoy their Christmas presents.

I got the son a soccer ball since Copper popped his, and when babysitting, I brought my soccer ball over and played with him. I got the daughter a barbie doll that you could decorate the outfit with glitter and pens. I thought it would be nice since she is creative.

XOXO Anna

Classmate Dinner!

Last night I got me and three of my classmates from my fiction class to go out to dinner. It was really fun. Two of the three guys that I went to dinner with are cute. One I actually could say I have a crush on. He will be referred to as Christian boy. Christian boy was really nice to me throughout the dinner. He encouraged me to try new food and showed me pictures of his family and talked about this game he is making.

I drove the guys home after dinner and Christian boy said, “This was a really great idea. See you later Sweetheart, take care.”

I know this might sound lame but I got butterflies when he called me sweetheart. It’s nice to have a simple safe crush after everything I’ve been through.

XOXO Anna

Making Friends

Making friends is freaking harder than it looks. I’ve been trying to get to know my classmates and hang out with them outside of class but it seems near impossible to get someone new to actually care enough to even hang out with you in the first place.

You ask them to grab lunch or dinner and they say, “sure, let me check my schedule and get back to you,” and then no answer. This is getting tiring.

Is grabbing lunch/coffee/dinner too much to ask for? How else are you supposed to get to know new people?

XOXO Anna

AA Fun!

So yesterday I got to hang out with the cute guy from AA. We ended up going back to my place and playing pool and then jumping in the freezing pool at my apartment. It was all really fun. I got to know him a bit better and I enjoyed his company.

We then met up at AA that night and me, him, and another AA friend went to IHOP for dinner. I personally was caught up in the past. It was very hard for me to stay present. But over all the dinner was chill. Cute AA guy paid for my meal in the end which was really nice.

And today, probably soon, we are both going to Kroger’s since we both have to do food shopping and I told him how hard it was for me to do that on my own. So that should be interesting.

Honestly I’m actually kinda nervous about it. Shopping for food. With a cute guy. I didn’t think this through. All I can say is I hope he doesn’t judge what I get, and I hope that I can stay strong enough to actually buy things I like and need.

XOXO Anna