Christmas, Finances, and Marriage

I don’t know about any of you, but honestly, this Christmas has pretty much hit us hard. We are going to have to recover from our spending. I know that we want to get everyone things they really love, but sometimes those things are out of our price range. I know that we still haven’t gotten my parents or his parents and siblings gifts. I hope that us bringing something like food or maybe a homemade gift will be okay because we just don’t have the money to spend.

I got Cody some stuff, we both got Baby A some stuff, Cody got me something, and yeah. The holidays are really hard, not only because of potential family stress but financially they are really hard on families with low income. Or, well, in our situation our families are financially comfortable, whereas we are financially scraping by. I guess it just sucks that there is a huge gap between where we are and where our parents are financially. It’s to be expected with this economy and having a kid so young, but it still really sucks.

I hope that our presence and maybe us bringing food or stockings will be sufficient. I’ve never been in a situation like this where our finances were so tight that it was suffocatingly tight. I am really good and smart with money and Cody … isn’t. But I think he is trying to get better with money. Money has been one of those contention points for us. I am all about Delayed Gratification and Cody is very Instant Gratification. Cody wants his coffee, now. I am fine to just use a Keurig cup and not go out to get The Best coffee. That is just one example, but we have tried to come to compromises. So far we are still trying to figure it out…

Sadly Cody doesn’t always have the best attitude about the money stuff. And I get it, it’s VERY stressful. But we are parents, which means money goes to Baby A first and foremost, and then survival needs, and anything extra we can put away into savings or something. I think Cody is finally getting on board that he will have to give up some little luxuries so we can save and get by. Plus we want to save to get our own place… that isn’t going to happen if we never put money into savings.

I am hoping after the holidays/New Year that we can actually start saving more, and we can really come up with a solid game plan about finances that makes both of us happy.

Anyone got any great financial/budgeting advice?

XOXO Anna

 

Soccer, in the Basement, with a Tennis Ball

So Cody had a brilliant idea of playing soccer in the basement with a tennis ball and empty diaper boxes as goals last week. Tonight we ended up playing again. Baby A absolutely loves it when we play. He gets so excited and follows whoever is running. Parenting can be really fun. Family moments like these are the best. We don’t always get time to just relax and have fun.

Mainly we are living “real life” with real-life responsibilities and such. We don’t make enough time for fun. Honestly, I hope we do this at least once a week. With how competitive Cody and I are with each other it really does make for a great night together. Cody ended up winning, which was a shock. He couldn’t aim at all, and his shots were way off base at least 70% of the time. I was on the floor dying of laughter at points. It’s been a while since I’ve laughed like that.

What are some fun things you do with your significant other?

XOXO Anna

Cody’s Mother…

She is still being difficult. Last time I posted about Cody’s mom we were supposed to go over to her house. When we went over, she refused to look at me or acknowledge I spoke. It took at least fifteen minutes of me trying to engage in the conversation for her to look at me, and then would give me a short answer.

We then the next day went to her brother’s surprise party. She acted completely normal in front of me, as if she didn’t have any issue. She put on a good show since Cody’s dad was there and her boyfriend was there. Her boyfriend had told her that she had no reason to be upset with me because I’ve done nothing wrong.

So, for about a week or two weeks, Cody has been trying to get his phone line off his mom’s account. She didn’t do it this past Sunday like she said she would. He messaged her earlier this week, and she didn’t reply. He texted her this morning. The only reason she texted was because he changed the pin on the account when trying to contact verizon to get his line off.

She texted, “Did you change my pin”

He replied, “I tried calling Verizon to see if they can remove my number from your plan because you won’t. I know you’re busy but come on I’m sure you’ve had plenty of time”

She replied, “Cody, stop it! Today is my first day off and I planned on getting to you. You still owe $95 to and I could say the same to you”

He replied, “I wanted this done before this billing period, you said you’d take care of it. It’s almost been a week and I’m still on your plan”

She said, “Come by after work and we’ll take care of it”

He replied, “I hope so this time”

She said, “Knock it off don’t be so rude”

It’s getting to be exhausting dealing with her childish behavior.

 

XOXO Anna

 

Denial?

Last week Cody’s mom texted me “perhaps your screening Cody’s calls. Please have him call me tonight ASAP.”

I know it happened last week, but it still has been quite hurtful. First off, I don’t control Cody’s phone, so I don’t know where she came up with that. Second off, Cody’s phone’s speakers are funky and sometimes don’t work so he gets missed texts and calls. He just has to reset his phone and they work again.

Cody ended up talking to his mom about the phone bill and then hung up. After that he gets a long text from his mom telling him that she is calling Verizon in the morning and going to shut off his number, get him a new phone, and install extra security that only she and Cody has the passcode to. She also said to come to her house in the morning without me.

That was even more insulting on many levels. Insulting because she obviously thinks I’m being controlling in some way, and insulting by treating Cody like he is a child who can’t have or handle a phone. First off, Cody worked at Radio Shack and Verizon for years and knows everything there is to know about phones. There’s no extra security to be installed. Then he was really upset that she was going to cancel his number and shut his phone off. He also was mad because his mom suggested I was controlling his phone and he said that he has always been able to shrug off her selfishness but he said that he is not okay with seeing how hurt I get by her actions.

So the next morning we went to his moms. I stayed in the car. He gave her the money and came back. I asked how it went and he said she didn’t mention anything. I was infuriated. We went to breakfast after that and argued. I couldn’t believe he didn’t say anything to his mom about the way she spoke to me and what she insinuated and that he let it slide that she was treating him like a child. He said he was scared.

In the end I expressed how hurt I was and how I felt it was important for him to stand up to his mom not only for my sake but for his own sake. He sent her a text saying, “I forgot to mention something while I was there. I really didn’t appreciate you accusing Anna of screening my calls. You should’ve just asked me why I wasn’t answering. She doesn’t control me or what I do on my phone so don’t worry about that. It kind of felt like you were treating me like a kid. We have a account together because it’s cheaper between the two of us, you may be the account holder but I do not want you ever canceling my line I would love to not get a new number and if it’s a problem I’ll take my number off.”

She didn’t respond to that text. Later that evening she texted him about if we used her Christmas gift yet, and because he was driving didn’t respond. She then called five minutes later and Cody didn’t answer because he was driving. Cody told me to text her he was driving. So she replied with, okay, just working on the computer at home, call me when you’re home honey. When Cody and I got home, Cody replied saying we hadn’t used the Christmas gift yet, and that he wasn’t sure if she got his earlier text, and he resent it. No reply.

Then this money she calls him, telling him all about her day, and then the second he says, “about the other day-” she cuts him off before finishing the sentence saying, I’ll talk about it in person, okay, not now, only in person. Then she said goodbye.

I am very confused and off-put by her behavior towards me, and the subject of his addiction and the fall out. I know that when he came out on Facebook a lot of people made really negative assumptions about me and automatically started disliking me and thought I was brain washing and controlling Cody by telling him how bad porn is for our relationship. Cody’s dad and mom thought I wrote the post and posted it on Cody’s profile. Of course I didn’t, nor would I ever do that. The dad and I sat down with Cody for brunch a couple weeks after and I read him a letter I wrote explaining the whole situation. After that the dad was shocked at Cody’s actions and apologized for me, not knowing the extent and the pain that was caused.

So I am thinking that the mom somehow still thinks I wrote that post or something like that, because honestly her behavior is SO out of line it’s unbelievable. I processed this at Center for Discovery (and I discharged yesterday!) and the therapist told me I didn’t cause Cody’s addiction, I can’t control whether he stays sober, and that people are shocked at the situation and need to blame someone, and that just happened to be me. She said that they were all living in some other reality if they were saying such cruel things about me and not listening to me or Cody. So that made me feel better.

I know that addiction can only be solved by the addict. I have also started to come to terms with the fact that if Cody were to relapse, that is not on me. I control my actions and my actions alone. I also know that he if chooses his addiction, that does not mean he does not love me or find me attractive. I don’t believe that every day, but I’m starting to believe that more and more these days.

But back to his mom. I personally was very disappointed in Cody for not standing up to his mother, but I do get that he was scared. I know he is realizing he has a lot of issues with his mom, and he is going to figure that out in therapy. I just hope that he does stand up to her when he sees her soon, because if not, I don’t know what to do. I personally want to be with a partner who wouldn’t stand for anyone saying such false and harmful things to or about me. Only time will tell though.

XOXO Anna

Slowly Getting Back to Normal

Since I last posted, Cody’s anxiety has gotten better. I assume the zoloft has started to take some effect. We also had a really good talk this weekend. I opened up a lot, finally about a lot of things I guess I’d been holding in. This weekend was honestly a gift. We had a lot of fun, and we communicated a lot better. Even this morning, I got upset about something and I was able to tell Cody what I needed and wanted, which has always been something I struggle with.

School has been good, I really enjoy my classes, and even better, Cody enjoys his classes. I have a lot of hope for us this semester with school and grades. I worry, though, that Cody might have urges for porn or actually use at some point if he gets too stressed since school was one of his biggest triggers…only time will tell though.

XOXO Anna

Anorexia Progress!!

Today I made huge steps forward in my recovery all around. Not only did I see progress with my anorexia but also progress in healing from Cody’s addiction. Today my mood was up and I finally got around to doing all the chores that are my responsibility in the relationship. I felt really good about that. Because since I found out I have been depressed and unable to do the simplest of things, yet today I ran errands, did the chores, cleaned, etc. It felt good to go back to a routine that I know. Then I went to my parents house to finish up laundry because at our apartment complex the laundry costs $3.00 and we don’t have money to spare and that’s expensive for laundry. I was looking for loose change around the house and I looked in my parents room and opened a drawer and found a safety pin. For those who don’t know, I used to cut with safety pins, so finding one was interesting. I wanted to take it, but I put it back in the drawer and closed it and walked away. Then I saw that my parents got a new scale, one that is glass and fancy and I was curious if it worked so I put some pressure down and it did. Part of me knew I shouldn’t get on the scale but I did anyways, and when I saw the number I didn’t get freaked out. It seemed to have no affect on me. I used to be controlled by that number. Now, my thought process is, “Oh that’s not bad, that’s normal.” I’ve never been able to think that before. Back when I was in my anorexia the number I saw today would have been horrifying, but I’ve been higher than the number I was today when I was in treatment, but today the number was nothing to me. So I am proud of myself for not defining myself by a stupid number. I define myself by my personality and my interests.

XOXO Anna

About To Find Out The Truth

Cody and I agreed recovery would be number one. He is about to be put to the test. I have stopped parenting him and have realized that he is in charge of his own recovery and it’s not my place to decide things.

His dad invited us to go to a concert tomorrow night, which also happens to be the only night where there is an SAA meeting in our area, every thursday at 8:00 pm. I am very nervous to hear what Cody decides. Go see a band he saw four years ago and loved and has the chance to see again, or choose recovery… I can honestly tell you I have no idea what he is going to choose. Only time will tell. Has anyone else ever had a partner that was an addict (doesn’t matter what the addiction is) and had to step back and see if their partner was serious about recovery? And if so, how did you handle it if they chose something besides recovery? I just want to be prepared for whatever Cody chooses.

I don’t want to tell him to go to the SAA meeting because it doesn’t matter unless he chooses it. Recovery works only when the person needing recovery wants to recover. I can’t force recovery on him. I am nervous about his decision though. We agreed recovery would be number one, which again, I can’t trust that because it’s easy to agree to something when there’s nothing getting in the way of recovery. The true test is when you have to choose recovery over something you would rather do. That shows the seriousness and stuff. I mean, he said he would do anything to show me he is serious about recovery, and I know you can never trust an addict with his words, but with his actions… so I am nervous about finding out if I really do matter. I personally feel like if he meant he loved me and all the promises he has made he will choose recovery. In the end let’s think, is it worth going to a concert to lose the progress he has shown me he has made and show me what is serious in his life, or is it worth it to skip a concert of a band you’ve seen before and prove to your partner how serious you are about being in recovery and proving you love them?

For me, when I went to AA back in GA I knew the only way I was going to get better was to get distance from my friends and not party. It was extremely hard, I went through a phase of not having any friends because I just couldn’t be in that environment that they all loved. Eventually I got to a place where I could go to a party and either not drink or have just one, but it took a while to get there. I don’t know, I know Cody and I are two very different people, with different personalities. I am serious and determined and ambitious. Cody is a dreamer, lazy, and laid back. I can be lazy too, but when push comes to shove I step up. That’s where I think Cody and I are different. I don’t have much hope for Cody making his decision, really because it’s the first time he is being tested in his recovery…but I just am trying to prepare myself to be okay with whatever he decides…

XOXO Anna

Wedding and Re-Promise Proposal

We went to Ohio this past weekend for Cody’s cousins wedding. She is 21, so a year younger than us. Her story of meeting her fiancé was crazy. She hated dating sites and she lost a bet and made a Tinder account and within ten minutes of making it her fiancé was her first match! I never thought Tinder would work, but I just saw a wedding that proves that Tinder might actually have hope for finding a real relationship haha.

Anyways Cody and I really had a wonderful weekend. We made a lot of progress with communication, respect, and compromising. Then last night we got back and I was tired and Ed (my anorexia) got the better of me and I freaked out after I ate about my body and not being good enough and stuff. Cody got frustrated because he felt I would never feel good enough for him because of his porn addiction. He told me to sit on the couch and stay there.

He came back and got down on one knee and kinda pre-proposed. It was the most adorable thing in the world. First off, he held the wrong hand as he started to pre-propose, and I told him and he grabbed my left hand and started over again, and was like, “Shit I don’t know what I’m doing.” It was adorable how nervous he was. He basically in the end said, “Anna, will you marry me when I’m ready, meaning once I feel like I am over my addiction or feel like I won’t relapse, and have the money for a real ring?” I was kinda speechless because I wasn’t sure if he was just fucking with me.

It took me the rest of the night to process it, but he basically wanted to redo our promise to each other now that everything was out in the open, and he wanted to know that I would marry him after all this. I guess he doubted that I would say yes still, but that was cute. I love him so much, and I still can’t get over how cute he was. He was ridiculously nervous and was that cute awkward when he was down on one knee trying to pre-propose “correctly” but I will cherish that memory forever.

Cody and I have made a lot of improvements this past month. This weekend accelerated our progress, and Cody has earned a bit of trust back. We were in a book store and there were a bunch of sex position books and there were ones that were pornographic with real couples and there was some with drawings. I handed Cody the one with the drawings, and then he turned the page and saw a real couple and slammed the book shut and literally threw it down on the book shelf. He looked so shocked and uneasy. I could tell that his reaction was real and he didn’t just shut the book and put it down because of me and the porn thing. He did it because he didn’t want to see that stuff. He wanted to be sober and in recovery. That is why he has earned some trust back. I am very proud of him, and I felt bad because I had handed him that book thinking it was just drawings… but he handled the situation so well. Cody has made me very proud of him these past few days and has given me faith in him and earned some trust back.

XOXO Anna

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Yesterday Cody was great when I picked up India to hangout last night. He was going to watch Scrubs, and when I came back with my sister, he was reading his book. I was impressed and he said something that he wasn’t sure if I would be okay with on the screen came up so he stopped the show and turned it off and told me about it. He then allowed me to watch the scene, and I was happy he stopped it out of respect for the boundaries I set and I was so proud of him! I mean I was proud, like I couldn’t believe he actually did that. I wasn’t sure if he was capable of doing it, honestly. The fact that he did that blew me away. It gave me a small piece of trust and faith back.

This morning I sleep in for the first time! Mainly because I was so exhausted and I figured I would try to sleep in because this time because there would be less chance of anxiety and panic attacks. I slept right through Cody showering (which used to be when he would do porn behind my back) and I was so proud of myself for actually sleeping in for the first time since I’ve found out.

This morning I choose to continue to sleep in when Cody leaves for work, and I remind him about the drill, text me when he gets to work, history, ask, the whole bang, and he says he knows and kissed me goodbye with an “I love you.” I wake up an hour later from an obnoxious noise outside and a terrible nightmare of Cody and I breaking up because he confessed to me that he loves his best girl friend and has been in love with her forever. Terrible dream! I thought, what better way to reassure myself that to see if Cody texted me that he got to work and the history.

Checked the phone and there was nothing. I was pissed. I called him and I asked him and I got the same answers of him being forgetful. I told him just because I slept in does not mean he can stop doing the agreement. He said he knew that. He sends me the history later after a lot of talking and hanging up and talking again, and I see he looked up something that was not under the agreements, and if not under that, he is supposed to ask. Well, yet again, not asking me…

I text his friend Cap because at this point I am exhausted. Cap said his answer to Cody’s “forgetfulness” was sticky notes. I even suggested that to Cody! I told him if he was sick of me getting upset he could have thought of ways to fix the issue, but Cody didn’t put any thought into how to fix his forgetfulness, I think he thinks it’s a fine excuse and nothing needs to be done about it. Cap and I continued talking, and Cap really wants to talk to Cody because he says he has no idea what’s going on with Cody.

I told Cap what happened, and that I didn’t think Cody took the sticky note idea seriously. Cap said, “Damn…I thought sticky notes was the best idea in the world, honestly I feel bad because I’m vouching for Cody, and he’s letting me down too. I’m sorry you keep getting let down chance after chance.” I reply to Cap and we keep talking, and Cap really just wonders whats going on with Cody, and eventually asks me, “Do you think he lacks remorse?” I explained I’d been with sociopathic people in the past and Cody doesn’t have the characteristics of a sociopath, but god damn if Cody were one I wouldn’t survive it. Cap just told me to hang in there and he would talk to Cody on Tuesday.

Praying things turn around!

XOXO Anna

Drinks with a Friend, Cody, and Emotions

Cody’s friend, who I’ve mentioned in this blog before without a code name being applied, hung out with me yesterday because he knows the situation with Cody.We will call him Cap because he is a capricorn. So Cap and I got a drink and I talked forever about Cody. I talked about all the frustrations I’ve been having and all the progress too, but I just was glad someone could understand my pain. He is still dealing with his ex that cheated on him and he was telling me about that. So we could relate and he said that Cody was somewhat similar to his ex in certain ways. Mainly just when asking them a question, they both tend to either not answer or say something that isn’t answering the question. Cap gets quite frustrated with his ex when she does that because he knows she is lying or doesn’t want to answer whatever he asked her.

Cody and I have come up with boundaries until he has earned some trust back. We came up with them right after I found out about his addiction. Cody kind of, well he did, not listen to those boundaries yesterday…twice… so I was upset, hence why talking with Cap was helpful.

Here are the boundaries:

1. At work, he sends me his search history every hour
2. He can “fuck off” at work by going to CarId, Autotrader, or listening to Neil Degrasse Tyson or other relevant scientist youtube videos.
3. He calls me if he has an urge
4. He, if wanting to look at anything else, but the stated sites above, asks me before doing so.
5. No video games – i.e. don’t talk to me about video games, don’t play video games, and don’t buy video games unless you ask to buy or play them. (computer  and xbox)

Last week he slipped up on number 4 once and I told him fair, and gave him a warning and explained why I wanted him to do so. Yesterday he slipped up on number 4 again, while I was with Cap. Cap said it was fine if I called him and I did and I was very annoyed and angry. He has slipped up now with that one 3 times so I just didn’t understand why. I told him that him asking before searching something helps me trust him and build some small trust back. But him searching stuff (like cars or science, which is totally innocent) without asking me still hurts me because I put those boundaries in place so we could start building trust, yet he keeps “forgetting” or getting “caught up” in searching car stuff. I know he said his thought process is, “It’s cars, that’s no big deal, that’s normal, so I can search it.”

Yes that is innocent, but it’s not about that, it’s about the building of trust, and I am not sure he totally comprehends what I’m getting at. Maybe he does after we talked last night but I’m not sure. Once Cody is out of work we hang out get dinner with my sister, and go home. I was in the bathroom and I get back to the living room and Cody tells me he bought a free game. I was shocked and I tried to stay calm because he again just did what he wanted without letting me know before he did it… I reminded him about the video game boundary I set, and also just because video games are going to be a distraction from all this, and I just felt so stupid. Cody has even admitted to me in the past he would use video games as an escape, same thing with porn. So if he is truly going to fight his porn addiction, he can’t turn to another thing that will allow him to escape all the unpleasant emotions. Recovery is about dealing and facing the emotions that are uncomfortable. So I asked Cody if he forgot our conversation from earlier today about not doing something technology/internet related without asking first, and he did. He said it was a free game that he couldn’t pass up and he was going to do it anyways. I was calm with him until he told me he was going to do it anyways, as in even if I said no he would do it…

At that point I kind of gave up and became submissive. I obviously told him why that was upsetting me, it made me feel like he wasn’t respecting the boundaries I set for rebuilding trust, and that the small amount of trust we built was now not as strong because he did it that night after we had already talked at lunch about it… We kept talking and talking until we made up. He agreed to be more, well, I guess he agreed to actually stick to the boundaries I’ve set…but I honestly don’t know if I can trust him when he says that… I don’t know, I’ll try, obviously.

Also I’ve read plenty of articles about women and men and sex. In most articles I found that women don’t want to have sex if there’s an argument going on, where as guys think that sex will fix the problem. I don’t know if that’s true. But for me, once an argument is done and we’ve made up usually I want to feel closer to the person…and that means for me I want to usually have sex to feel loved and cared about and that the person and me truly have made up and are good. Cody doesn’t seem to want that ever. If we’ve made up he is content to sit on the couch with me and watch Netflix or something. So that makes me feel like we still aren’t okay, or even if we made up it’s not like he wants to be with me, or whatever.

I am the type of person who likes sex because I like feeling close to someone, and if you’ve been reading my blog for the past year you will know I was terrified of intimacy when Cody and I were first together, and sex and the closeness scared me. Now, I crave that closeness, especially because the past year I realize how not close we were at all… I sometimes feel worlds away from Cody. I mean, even when I didn’t know about his addiction I always felt this wall….something keeping us from being close. Now I know what that was, but even with everything in the open…I still want that closeness. That feeling of being loved and cared about. That feeling of this person is safe and loving and is here… I don’t know. I mean, when Cody first admitted to me everything I felt close because he was opening up to me, that lasted the first couple days after and then life gets in the way and we don’t talk as much.

Sure he goes to the AA meetings with me, and does couples counseling, but I still feel like he doesn’t want to talk to me, and it’s not because he is hiding anything this time, more of  I think it’s because he feels really bad about what he has done so it’s making it harder for him to open up to me.

I mean he keeps telling me he doesn’t deserve me and I deserve better and I should breakup with him and go see if I find any other guy who I like and if not then I can come back to Cody because he thinks then I will really know if I want to be with him. I told him not to say that anymore because I want to be with Cody and for Cody to basically treat himself as if he is an option is really sad. If I left Cody I wouldn’t have the right to have him back. That to me isn’t an option. So I think Cody is struggling with low self-esteem right now, and slight depression at times, and just not wanting to talk to me because he feels so bad about everything.

I’m hoping that Cody talks to me without me asking him to, or without it being like puling teeth. I guess it would be nice if I weren’t always the one trying to work on the relationship, like if he took initiative sometimes. He mentioned something that I can’t know, I assume a surprise or something… so that will be nice hopefully. I mean if he is doing something for me than that means he is trying and putting in effort. Effort into making the relationship better romantically.

Only time will tell…

XOXO Anna

What’s wrong with me?

I know I have been posting a lot, and frequently. It’s mainly because I need a place to vent because I have no one to talk to at the moment. But Cody read my post and he said I shouldn’t feel stupid about the marriage and wedding thing. I explained that I shouldn’t have even entertained the idea. He asked why and I explained, and he said, “No, you’ve just been thinking about it with the wrong people…it’s not stupid that you’ve been thinking of it though.” I said, “Really, why?”

He said, “Cause it’s plausible with anyone and something that is extremely common.”

Well thank you for the obvious Cody. The answer I was hoping for was, “It’s not stupid to think about marriage or a wedding because I want it too.” Fuck me. Does Cody not realize that he hurt me to my core and I need to know that he wants to be with me? I logically know he wants to be with me, but can he show me or tell me?

XOXO Anna

Future and Stupid Feelings

I feel stupid. Well, if you’ve been reading my posts for the past week, you will knowhow stupid I feel by realizing Cody lied to me for a year about his porn addiction. I’m stupid right. Should have known…

But this morning we were talking about the two weddings we have to go to that were coming up. For me, even though I didn’t care about Cody’s cousin, or the other wedding, the idea of going to a wedding (the first technical one I would be going to in my life) I liked it. I wanted to see what all that was about. I also liked fantasizing about Cody and I in the audience with all those warm and loving feelings thinking about when that would one day be us up there saying “I do” to each other. I thought that Cody might like to think of that too…but he doesn’t. He doesn’t think about the wedding we would have but more of the marriage with the house and kids and that stuff apparently.

I feel really stupid though. Every day I keep feeling more stupid. Cody said he doesn’t fantasize about us getting married, that he actually agrees with my dad and said that weddings are stupid and he doesn’t need one. My dad doesn’t believe in marriage, or the social concept of it. I’ve posted about his views before but couldn’t find the post. Anyways, he believes a piece of paper doesn’t define how much he loves someone and is committed. Cody has taken on my dad’s views… great.

I understand where my dad is coming from, and at some level I agree, but then…I stupidly do want a wedding someday…and I feel bad that I want one. I honestly can’t remember fantasizing about a wedding, ever, unless it was when I was like five and didn’t understand the concept of marriage. But once I realized what marriage and all that meant, I never fantasized about a wedding because I felt that I would never have one (because at that time no guys had liked me). In my mind I figured why think about something you’ll never have if it’s going to depress you. Well…things changed when I met Cody.

Once Cody and I got more serious I did think about a long term future with him, I thought about marriage and all that and I did actually fantasize about a wedding. I even looked at wedding dresses at some point just to see what people wore because I know you wear a white dress, but since I made weddings something I never looked at or thought about I didn’t really know what kind of dress is good for a wedding. I feel stupid though.

Cody and I have talked about marriage before, many times, and we’ve agreed we would want a intimate wedding that was simple with only those closest to us. But Cody said that he wouldn’t want to spend more than we make in a month… if that were true then we should just go to City Hall like my parents did and get married there with one witness. Together Cody and I make about $2,400 a month, so I don’t really know anything about weddings but I’m sure that that might be a bit low to actually book a ballroom for the after party and the food, and the music, and the suit, and the dress, the rings, and all the other things I still don’t know about weddings. I know that by the time marriage would come around we might have a higher income, but still, it’s not going to be by too much I would assume. I’ve seen wedding dresses that range from $100-$2,000. The one thing I really always wanted for my wedding was to be wearing the perfect dress, have my hair and make up done and well just look perfect, and I know that’s partly my anorexia talking but…I just wanted to look and feel perfect and happy. And with my taste and style the dress I would want would be well more expensive…I don’t know, it’s stupid.

I am the type who likes to be practical, and I know it’s not practical to spend over $500 on a dress you will wear one time in your life, but I want the memory of being in a beautiful dress. I kinda feel stupid for even fantasizing about a wedding in the first place. I remember the first time I did fantasize about marrying Cody, I felt so guilty. I felt like I shouldn’t be thinking about that because I don’t deserve something so nice. I don’t know. I have conflicted feelings about weddings and marriages, maybe because I haven’t actually explored my feelings about them, but instead just pushed them all away so I wouldn’t have to deal with them. And through all the struggles we’ve been through I still (stupidly? irrationally?) want to marry Cody. Am I crazy?

XOXO Anna

 

Up and Down Cycle

I am fine one minute and then depressed the next when I think about Cody. I was babysitting today and when he got back to work he texted me (we switched phones, he has mine and I have his because Richard would never use my phone for porn) that when he got back to the office after lunch, that seeing my picture as my screen saver made him “think of you 😉 “…to me that was kinda nice and a turn on to hear, so I figured maybe take that and turn it into a sexy thing and build the anticipation until we get home and can have sex (or as Cody has been referring to it lately, making love). I replied, “Oh…did it now? ;P” he said, “yep” and I replied when he obviously didn’t get that I was trying to get some dirty sexy talk in, “What did it make you think about?” He replied, “You doing stuff to me, me doing stuff to you. Going from behind, stuff like that ;)”

Sorry but that was the lamest dirty talk ever. A turn off, not a turn on. Ever since then (which was around 3 pm) I’ve been a bit on the low end. Either Cody knows nothing of what he personally likes or turns him on sexually (which isn’t fully the case) or I felt like Richard came in and got in the way of Cody and I trying to bond and get back to a good place. I’ve had sexier dirty talk from tinder guys… I don’t know. I feel stupid and sad. I think about the past year and all the stuff I’ve done compared to him and fuck. I’ve spent so much money, put so much time and effort into making sure he was happy, and the whole time he was being selfish and stuck in his own addiction (which he didn’t realize was an addiction).

I had the urge to drink on the way home and wanted to stop by our favorite bar, but I knew I had to go get pet food and litter, which by the way, I pay for. I have paid for most of Luvas and Emily’s things (vet and pet store). Derpy. Anyways, I got them their stuff, and I’m at home, not drinking. Blogging, and a bit down. I started over thinking on the way home too. I was thinking about how can I ever know if Cody is telling the truth…couldn’t he simply just go back to his addiction and erase the history? Again, over thinking, but then that made me depressed, and that made me want to be dressed all sexy and go to a bar and talk to other guys, dance, get wild and crazy and forget. See what else is out there. But in reality nothing better is probably out there. I rather stay with Cody and suffer as we get through this problem then go with some new guy and have that new guy hurt me a million times more.

Fucking A…I hate emotions.

XOXO Anna

Undeserving

I can’t tell you how many times I feel undeserving or unworthy of something. It’s honestly sad as I have come to notice it more and more. It’s my birthday today, so I should be able to feel like it’s okay to have what I want…but I still don’t. There’s this painting that I saw my freshman year…it’s four years later and I still haven’t gotten it for myself. I hate spending money, if I am spending it on me. I personally don’t think I should spend $70 on myself, I feel selfish. Hell, having this trip to Savannah… I feel bad. Thinking about how much it cost my parents I feel like crap. That’s why I used my $100 from Christmas to pay for a fancy dinner the other night.

When I make mistakes I feel even more undeserving. I think, or I guess, or I did make a mistake. We were hanging with Andy…and I guess I walked too close to him? Or I was just walking next to him and Cody felt like a third wheel at times. I didn’t know that. I tried to walk in between the two of them that way none of us felt like a third wheel. Though when we got ice cream Cody and Andy talked about cars the whole time. I kinda just zoned out and let them be guys. But that’s the thing I hate with being a girl that has only guy friends, I don’t always fit in and I can be left out. It’s not their fault, it’s just we sometimes have different interests. I was actually annoyed because they were talking so much about cars. I wanted to jump in the conversation at times and barely did. Andy is my friend…aren’t I supposed to be the one talking to him? But I am happy that Cody got along with Andy. Though Cody is mad(?) upset(?) not happy with(?) me because Cody said he felt like a third wheel when we were walking around town after ice cream.

I always stick to the front of a group because when growing up I would always be left out and in the back. Now a days I always try to stay with the person who is leading. Andy was leading us to a cigar shop. I didn’t know where it was. I followed Andy and stuck by him. I didn’t mean for it to hurt Cody or anything like that. I feel like shit cuz of it. He felt the same way about Ethan when we hung out with him on monday night. Fuck me for being a dumbass.

I don’t know how to get out of this mood now…

XOXO Anna

Poker Night

Yesterday was awesome! By the time we got back to the hotel, I wanted to shower and I knew I was kind of crunched for time. Quick Silver and Andy got there 15 minutes early and I was just getting out of the shower. Cody talked to them while I finished getting ready. Andy was wearing a really nice black suit because he was doing business deals before he came over. We talked for a while and took photos, even though all the guys hated it. We then played poker. I assumed Andy and Cody would be the ones in the end battling for the chips but Cody was out first, then Andy, leaving it to Quick Silver and me. In the end I won! I won…which was a huge shock!

Also Andy did the whole threat thing with Cody…Andy was like, “If you hurt her…” I was scared Cody would react badly, but he didn’t and understood it was just what Andy did.

After Quick Silver and Andy left, once I was sober Cody and I had amazing sex, like love making sex. It was mind glowingly intimate and amazing. Plus we talked marriage again and Cody said the least amount he would feel comfortable spending on a ring would be $3,000… but he preferably wants to spend $3,500. That is woah.

Today has been nice too. Cody and I went to get lunch and then I ran into someone I knew and I’ll see them tomorrow. We are currently hanging out at a coffee shop. Then Cody and I are going to one of my favorite restaurants for dinner at seven. After that we are meeting Quick Silver and Andy at one of Andy’s favorite bars. Excited to be hanging with Quick Silver and Andy again!

We also saw Ethan’s sister. She was there when Ethan punched Monster. She told me Monster seemed like a hot mess, like manic depressive, and all over the place. Monster also told Ethan that he deserved to be punched. That was nice to hear.

Overall Cody and I are having a really nice trip!

XOXO Anna

Going Back to GA on Sunday

I am totally excited about GA! I am so happy to being Quick Silver and Andy! I’ve missed them like crazy. I’ll also be seeing Ethan…so that will be interesting. I am excited to show Cody everything and show him off to my friends.

The only thing is I am crazy anxious about being triggered. What if I see Owen? What if I see Peter DJing some club? I doubt Monster would be there, but still.

I hate that the place I love and miss brings such anxiety. I have been going through my blog and editing each and every post so it’s in categories, which was something I should have done ages ago. And re-reading some of my old posts made me sad. I read a post where I was talking about being freaked out about being hit on in Panera.

I just hope that when Cody and I get to Savannah I don’t freak. I want to enjoy this vacation and not have to worry about my safety or being triggered, and more to the point, Cody shouldn’t have to worry about me being triggered. It’s not his job.

It’s sweet that he wants to take care of me and all, but I am used to being in Savannah and dealing with it on my own unless I ask for help. Cody helps even when not asked, which I am not used to. It’s sweet, but sometimes I just feel so bad because I do feel like I’m a burden or it’s too much even if he doesn’t. Like I don’t want to be a downer.

I want to be able for Cody not to worry. Like even tonight he was worried about me because Jack Daniels is kind of a trigger for me so he lied about it and when we got to his house I saw a bottle that he dad got. He said he lied because he was worried it would make me want to drink or something. I really hate that he worried about me. It’s sweet, but I can handle myself. Or if I can’t, then let me drown myself in my destruction until I get through it on my own. Yeah, I know self-destruction is not good, but sometimes I just want to do what I want even if it’s not the healthiest.

But Cody loves me so much that he won’t let me self-destruct, which I am thankful for. But damn do I feel guilty about still wanting to at times. And yeah, I really don’t feel like I deserve someone as good as Cody. I mean, why do I deserve someone like Cody? I’ve been treated like crap by every guy…so why do I deserve the good treatment? I am not used to it at all, even after six months.

Also India and her boyfriend left this morning, so it’s been strange to not have her around. I really wanted to breakdown this morning at 5:30 AM when I said goodbye. I haven’t cried yet, but it’s only a matter of time before I cry.

I just am going into the new year hoping that things with my sister continue to get better, that Cody and I still remain good and happy, and that college goes well. If all that happens I will consider myself lucky.

Hope everyone has a good new year!

XOXO Anna

Betraying Trust

I probably should have posted about this when it happened. I guess I thought I didn’t need to write about it to process it but I was wrong. I posted about how Cody and I had a bit of a fight but I never wrote what really happened. Well, now I am going to write about it. I need to so I can process my emotions.

If you’ve read my blog you will know that I struggle with anorexia. That doesn’t just include thinking I don’t have a good body, it also includes being majorly threatened by other girls. I have really disliked having girlfriends since I was six years old. That is because of Skyler, a girl friend of mine who was basically the definition of Mean Girls. I felt like I lived that movie. She told me that no guy would like me unless it was for my body. I really internalized that message growing up. I also learned from a very early age that, or was taught to think that, guys want sex. That’s all they want.

Now that you know that about me, I will proceed. Cody, his dad, sister, brother, uncle, grandfather, and grandmother and me were all sitting down to dinner in this Chinese restaurant. Cody pulled out his phone and was about to search something. I saw porn on his history. I know that to maybe most girls that’s fine. To me it tore me apart. See, Cody knows about my body image issues, plus he knows about my ex who was addicted to porn. We agreed early in the relationship he wouldn’t look at porn.

So seeing that on his phone, I felt utterly and completely devastated and betrayed. Cody took me outside and we kinda fought. I told him I couldn’t handle it. Cody said that because he was staying at his house and living his old life, he did it out of habit. For him it would be a habit, probably one that’s hard to break, because he used to get off twice a day with porn before he met me for about 14 years. So yeah it’s a bad habit. He didn’t watch it though. He just typed it into his phone, and then realized that he would be hurting me and exited the page. So yay for that. But I just feel…well not good enough.

Cody has explained that him doing that has nothing to do with me. My anorexia sunk it’s teeth into this one and has it’s jaw locked though. I have been eating though…but every time I think about it I feel not good enough. I know the irrationality there. Cody promised me that he would never do it again. I want to trust him. But I feel like some trust has been broken.

To me him doing that meant I wasn’t good enough. Or that he wants something/someone else. Of course Cody has already told me that’s not the case. I can’t help that I feel that way though. I am hurting. I don’t know how to get over it. I know it was a reflex to an old habit… but the fact that he had the urge to do that hurt. My anorexia really locked onto this. That anorexic voice in my head is killing me.

How does one move past a betrayal of trust, big or small? I’ve never been in a long-term healthy relationship. This is my first. I know relationships go through ups and downs. Cody offered to give me his phone while I will be at my house tonight, that way I would know he wouldn’t be betraying my trust. I took the first step in trusting him though. I said he could keep his phone and that I am trying to trust him again by letting him have it.

So yeah. Is that how you get trust back? By slowly giving them chances to prove themselves to you? I love Cody beyond comprehension, and I thought he wouldn’t do something to hurt me like that. I guess I am just in shock too. Cody always was this guy who, yes had his flaws, but wouldn’t do anything that would hurt me. He is human though. People hurt people.

After Monster, I made a three strikes rule. Three strikes and you’re out. Three makes a pattern. With Cody if he were to hit strike three, I honestly don’t think I would walk away. I couldn’t. I mean, this porn thing was his second offense. Early in the relationship I found a pic of a naked girl on his phone. He also at that time knew that would hurt me, but again, it’s a bad habit. So with that and the porn thing, it just made me feel insecure.

I wrote in a past post about consistency. Consistency is key with me. Especially after going through a string of abusive relationships. I’ve described myself as an abused dog in a shelter before. See, Cody has given me consistency with his word and the fact that he is trustworthy. But since this was not consistent with his behavior it has shaken me. I guess once he is consistent again I’ll trust again.

Also Cody and I leave for GA this sunday! I am excited about that. He will get to meet all my friends and I’ll show him all of the places I would hang out. I’ve missed GA so much! Super excited to be going back for a week as a birthday present from my parents!

But any comments with advice would be greatly appreciated. Again, first real, serious, longterm, healthy relationship. Kinda clueless at times about all this. Thanks for reading.

XOXO Anna

Day 3

I got home around 11 and saw India and her boyfriend in the kitchen. After I came down from showering India said she and him were going Christmas shopping for all of us. I told her what I knew no one had gotten me yet and what was already bought for our parents.

I went to my parents office for their Christmas party and saw Cody. While we were there India called me and asked me about what Cody would want as a Christmas gift. Now if you’ve read some of my posts about what’s been going on in our family with India, you will know that she really dislikes Cody, with a burning passion it seems. So when she called to ask what he would want for Christmas, I was floored! Maybe it’s because she saw the present he got her, and she liked it until I told her it was from him. I don’t know, but it’s progress.

Tonight we have a family friends dinner and I am hoping that goes well. Cody is Christmas shopping today and after I blog I might go upstairs and use the xbox one that Cody and I got together and play GTA. I am a complete noob when it comes to gaming, so hopefully I can figure it out on my own.

Maybe I’ll post later if things change, but I am probably staying at Cody’s house again. Hoping everyone is having a great holiday season!

XOXO Anna

Day 2

Last night was pretty bad after I posted. I almost self-harmed and India said she wanted a flight out of here. I went over to Cody’s and it saved me. I felt safe and loved.

Cody was so happy to see me. We cuddled and talked and he gave me the twin mattress and he slept on the floor. Today has been better though.

When I got home from therapy I talked to India. We had a real conversation about her feelings and everything that happened. She still didn’t answer all my questions. I told her half the things I wrote in the letter to her. I gave the letter to her boyfriend this morning and told him to read it and to give it to her when he thinks she is ready to read it.

Then after India and I talked she wanted to re-dye her hair and we did that together. It was so nice because that is our thing and we did it and we talked a lot. She told me all about her new life and the people she has met. I told her that all that I cared about was that she was happy.

Things are looking up for day 2! My granddad will arrive within the hour. I’ll spend time with the family before I go to parkour with Cody, and then if things are still good I will probably sleep at my house tonight. I’m hoping that I keep making progress with India through this trip because I’ve gotten some of those old moments back with her today and it felt great.

XOXO Anna

Suicide Letters

Let me start this post off with stating that I don’t plan on committing suicide, but I did write a suicide letter just now. At first I was hurting when I wrote it, and then as I wrote it I grew sad knowing that if I ever did do that so many people would be devastated. That sucked because I don’t want to hurt those I love.

I think I wrote the note because of the emotions I am feeling because my sister is coming home tomorrow and I don’t know how to handle any of it. I wrote it to cope with my overwhelming feelings. I also finally wrote a letter to my sister. Feeling my feelings sucks. There’s a lot of pain and sometimes I don’t know how to handle it. I know I wanna cut. I know that won’t solve anything.

So I am going to try to life my mood before Cody and I go out to his friends Christmas party. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I hope that my mood gets better. I hate being a downer.

XOXO Anna