Past Demons

Yesterday was a very rough day. Lots of things were still coming up from the previous night with Cody. At treatment I had to Ensure it. I felt like a failure or disappointment. I did hang out with some of the girls after treatment though, and that was really fun.

I went to dinner with Cody and two of his friends at this place called Mecha Noodle bar. I was not a fan. I figured I wasn’t going to be eating too much if we went, but I got a Proseco which made me happy.  Then Cody had to go to Target, so me and his friends went to a bar. Once Cody got back we went back to his place so he could get things ready for LARPing. I was wearing a really hot outfit. I haven’t worn something that hot since I was back at my old school.

Yesterday was really rough because in treatment we talked about shopping and other things and the whole day all I felt like was a sex object. That’s part of the reason I wore the outfit I did for Cody, but the other half was that I wanted him to have a good last impression of me before he went away this weekend.

Cody and I had amazing sex again last night. I got emotional…again. *sigh* I was not happy at all. It really did remind me of Deb and Rudy, though. That’s not comforting if you think about who Rudy really is. But, I think I’m getting used to whatever emotions I am feeling.

I also figured out where my anxiety was coming from this past week! See, in my past relationships, whenever one of us would go away for a weekend, or part for the summer, things either got bad between us or we ended the relationship.  That’s part of where my separation anxiety comes from. I know, Cody is not any of those guys, but because every time I’ve parted with a partner for a weekend or summer things went wrong or ended, I’ve been conditioned, in a way, to expect bad things when one partner leaves for a trip.

I do realize the irrationality of this, and that’s why I feel better right now. Plus I also told Cody to just check in with me, like a text or something. See, for me, radio silence is one of my biggest triggers, whether it triggers my restriction or self-harm.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know of all my shitty past relationships. I don’t know if I’ve written about this yet, but why not.

Radio silence sucks. It scares the hell out of me. What’s worse, is when you reach out, and you’re further ignored. Ethan and I never really had a radio silence problem, but Monster and I did.

When I went home for winter break my sophomore year of college, Monster practically fell off the face of the earth. There I was, trying to figure out if I was going to be going to treatment the first time, and he was gone. Monster said he was going on some trip with no service. Checked Facebook, and he had service. My messages were ignored, and he never sent a message to initiate conversation. That was probably when I was my worst in my anorexia, because that silent treatment killed me. I didn’t know if he was okay or not and I knew I wasn’t okay.  I think that’s when I was eating only a snack in a day. If even that. I was at my lowest weight then, I believe. I starved myself for the two or three weeks where Monster was ignoring me.

With Captain America, who I’ve mentioned on here minimally, also gave me the silent treatment. Captain America was the guy who I used as training wheels after Monster. I knew Captain America was safe because he was Christian and a virgin. Captain America was great at spoiling me with gifts, but terrible at being there emotionally. Once summer came, it was as if I didn’t exist. He was always terrible at responding to texts, but over that summer, I swear as if I was dead to him. I would send a message and maybe get a response two days to a week later. We skyped a couple times, but only because I begged. It sucked. I felt meaningless. Captain America was triggering all those feelings that came up with Monster. Captain America and I broke up and I went back to treatment for the second time.

Right now, my sister is not exactly giving me the silent treatment, but if you’ve read some of my posts for the past month, you’ll know that we aren’t on good terms…at all. She practically pretends I’m not in the room when I’m there or ignores me when I speak, as if I don’t exist. This behavior is a more extreme version of what Monster and Captain America did, because it is triggering to me. There are times when I just want to restrict or cut or burn because it’s so overwhelmingly painful.

Today we made progress though! She acknowledged my existence again but still in a rude way. I asked her to go to the diner with me and she said, “No, fuck you.” It’s better than silence. Anything is better than silence.

Silence is deadly in relationships. I’ve stated a thousand times that communication is key and it is! The fact that my sister and I are at least having some type of dialogue is good, even if it’s rude. Ignoring someone, or just not talking never solves anything. It makes things worse.

So that’s why I told Cody to just check in with me. I know it’s just the weekend, but because I know how badly I can get triggered, I just let him know that radio silence was something that was triggering for me.

I do have a couple of things I might do this weekend though! Serena can’t hang, so I can’t hang with Brian. Or, I can, but because I know Cody is uncomfortable with it, I’m not going to hang out with Brian alone. I can see Brian on wednesday for Karaoke night at the bar with Serena and her bf. I might hang with some of Cody’s friends though! And I might go to NYC tomorrow to see a friend from my old school. I also might hang with some of the girls from treatment. Again, these are all options, and none set in stone. I also would be happy with just a weekend to myself. Me, my writing, my TV shows, and a nice long relaxing bath and a book to read.

I am an ENFJ, or and INFJ. Those are personality types. I am in the middle of introversion and extraversion. For me, I love to stay busy all the time and have plans with people. It’s just what I’m used to since college. I hate when I isolate or have no one to hang with. Of course, in college, I had a pattern of hanging out with people everyday and I was burned out by the weekend but I still went out clubbing. I did, however, take two days to myself to recharge, and that was satisfactory and could let me hang out with people nonstop for another week.

Since I’ve met Cody, it’s been go, go, go. Which I love! But, it’s nice to know that I can just choose to relax a bit if I want. I still am not sure if I am in the go, go, go mood or the “I just need to stay home” mood. Because if I’m not with Cody, I’m with Serena or some of her friends. Sometimes I just want to stay at home and watch some Grey’s and live vicariously through those characters! I know, maybe it’s lame, but it makes me happy sometimes.

This is a long post…again, I know. It’s just I’ve had so much on my mind and this past week was stressful and I barely had time to sit down to blog. I’m at the diner right now, and I’ve finished breakfast. I just got inspired to write some of my stories. I seem to always get inspired if I’m sitting in a room of crowded people. I think that’s why I like the Coffee Fox back at my old school. I would get inspired to write when I had writers block. I’ve had writers block since  a little bit before I met Cody, and for some reason I just have that urge to write something. Maybe this weekend I’ll pump out twenty new pages to one of my stories! That would be awesome.

XOXO Anna

Facebook Official!!!

Okay so as some of you may know, Facebook Official in my past relationships has been a rocky subject. Ethan and me were fine. Monster refused to put it on Facebook which made me hurt. Then Captain America refused that too. Eric did it because he knew how much that meant to me since my past boyfriends refused.

Cody had no idea about how I felt about Facebook official, and when I go to see my phone I see that there was a request for a relationship on Facebook! Plus Cody doesn’t really use Facebook, so yeah, so I’m happy like super hypomanic happy right now, like I was jumping up and down happy. Yeah kinda really hypomanic and need to calm down but it was just such a fucking surprise. A brilliant one. Like holy fuck. Fucking happy right now. I just can’t stop smiling damn it.

I’m supposed to head over to Cody’s in fifteen. But stupid Facebook isn’t like letting me accept his request, so it shows up on his Facebook in his status but it won’t in mine because when I click accept request it says error has occurred. Fuck my life. But still….Cody fucking sent a fucking relationship request. I just….he has no idea what that means to me with not knowing my past experiences with the whole Facebook official shit.

So fucking happy. Best like gift/surprise ever! 😀

XOXO Anna

Fun Lunch, Hindsight, and Love

I went to CVS which is across the street from where Cody works and he asked me to drop by, so I did and we went out to Panera for his break. I am SO happy we did that because I honestly was not going to be eating a decent lunch today. I feel ten times better now that I have food in my system.

We talked a lot during lunch. We talked about our sisters. He really does not like his sister. I love mine. He apologized for me seeing his “dark” side. Honestly though it was his “dark” side it was nice to see. It makes him more human. I think I’ve mentioned this on my blog before, but I tend to like people for their flaws, not their perfections. I personally love seeing others flaws, I think because it makes them more relatable. I am glad Cody did open up about his feelings for his sister. He apologized after, but that was important for me to know and see. I told him that when in a relationship, you are getting to know a person, the good and the bad. If you are to truly accept someone in your life, you accept the good and the bad.

James Michael Sama has been one blog that I love to read! I love his posts about relationships and though there are posts I can disagree with, he makes tons of good points in some posts. I remember each time I was in a relationship, I would read his posts and think to myself, “Why doesn’t the guy I’m with do this or know this?”

10 Tiny Things In A Relationship That Are Literally A Big Deal is a really good post that I can agree with. Those things mentioned in the article are true. In past relationships there were many times where those key things were missing.

Love notes, James explains it as something as simple as an “I miss you” and it can be that simple. I know that in past relationships maybe…okay, Monster, Eric, and Owen were the only ones to have ever texted me I miss you. Sadly those were the worst of my past. I am excellent at letting people know my feelings for them through writing. I used to express to Ethan what was on my mind through notes. I never wrote a love note, except for Eric for his birthday. After Eric though I honestly am not sure I could write another “love note” like that unless I really trusted them. Ethan was a great listener and so was Eric. Monster had psychological insight which was nice when I talked. Captain America however was very immature and couldn’t really listen or understand my emotions. Good morning texts are always nice for sure. I think Monster was the one who texted me good morning.

Reliability! That is huge! Ethan was never reliable, making it hard to trust him. Monster was decently reliable. The others not so much. But that is a huge thing in relationships is being reliable. If you say you’re going to do something then do it. If you say you’re going to be there be there. Patience is also important in a relationship. Ethan was the person who taught me patience at first because as most people know I am not always a patient person. But patience really does go a long way when in a relationship. Honesty, that is the biggest one for me. I am a very honest person and I’ve had to deal with lots of liars and that is the one thing I won’t accept. Lies. I used to tell people, whether a friend or romantic interest, in the beginning that honesty and trust are the most important things to me, so if you lie to me you’re out of my life. I really have issues with people who lie to me. It’s completely disrespectful. Making your partner feel safe is another big one. Honestly if I feel safe with a guy then that’s all that matters. With Owen I never felt truly safe with him. That was a huge reason as to why I never got attached or took it too seriously. Compromise, that’s another big one. In the past compromise was pretty nonexistent for me.

Reading most of James’ posts I look back and wish I had spoken up to the guys I was with because there were so many flaws. So many red flags that I just ignored because I thought I didn’t deserve better. I also have to say loyalty should be added to that list because loyalty is very important.

With Cody I feel safe, like genuinely safe. That’s new for me. I like it though, I really do. Cody also seems to be reliable which is also very nice. Looking back I see a lot of differences in Cody from the others. Good differences.

Then James posts about love a lot. I have many opinions on love and the concept of love, but that all depends on how cynical I’m feeling that day 😛

Two of my posts that talk about love are The Psychology of Love and The 5 Languages of Love. Those are very important posts. In my psychology class back when I was with Ethan, my teacher taught us about love. It is very true that society portrays love in a false way. To say “I love you” to someone is a big thing. To say that to someone means that you accept them for who they are, faults and all. It means that you will be there for that person no matter what happens. Most people think they love someone but end up realizing they don’t. Why do people do this? Because of the chemicals! In the psychology of love post it explains it clearly why and how people fall in and out of love. I hate that. I hate the concept of falling in love. Falling in love is superficial and doesn’t mean anything. Falling in Love should be renamed Falling in Lust. Loving someone means something. “In Love” is the stage of a relationship where you see the other person as perfect. If you think the person is perfect you don’t love them. You love what you think you see and know.

Yes, there is a process to loving someone, and part of it is going through that phase of everything is perfect, but what really counts is when you see the person you’re with, and you know the good and bad, and you still feel that way. You still can say to yourself I love that person. That’s real true love. My teacher and all the classmates agreed that society portrays love in a false and damaging way.

I’ve mentioned before that the only two people I loved or “fallen in love with” were Ethan and Monster. The Ethan experience was shit, and I vowed I’d never utter those words to a guy unless he said it first, and after Monster I vowed I’d never “fall in love” again. Of course those vows won’t last forever, but it gave me a feeling of control. The truth is, when it comes to emotions and love, there is no control. It happens or it doesn’t. Trust me, I’ve tried to keep myself from loving someone because for me, my experiences with love have been painful and terrible. The only thing I know from love is being hurt and dissapointed.

Love is a choice. To love someone is a big choice. It’s easy to be attracted to someone but it’s hard to love someone. Loving someone isn’t easy and fun like they show you in the movies. Loving someone is a wonderful thing, but it also means you are there during the difficult times, you stick it out through the 2 AM fights, and that you try you’re best to compromise on issues the two of you have. Falling in love is easy, but loving someone, truly loving someone is hard.

But then, people say if it’s easy then what’s the point? I can tell you first hand how hard it is and was to love Ethan. I love him as a friend today, and you know why? Because once you love someone, or choose to love them, truly love them you don’t stop. Sure the way you love a person can change, but you always love them. Am I still not fully okay with Ethan? Yeah. But as my psychology teacher said, “You don’t have to like someone to love them.” That really spoke to me, because I don’t like Ethan very much anymore. He has changed from the person I used to love (romantically speaking). But I can’t stop loving him (as a friend). And Monster? How twisted is it to say I love him (as a person)? It’s fucked up, like way fucked up. But again, I “fell in love” with him and though he raped me, I will always care for him. I know you must think I’m crazy, but with all Monsters faults, I still care.

It takes time to love someone for who they truly are. Sometimes a person can fall fast and hard for someone, or sometimes it takes time. But you always can know whether you’re going to fall. The sad thing is you can’t stop it once it’s started. That’s the scariest and most exciting thing about love I would say. Love is an adventure. One with ups and downs, laughter and tears. Love is one hell of an adventure. If you’ve never “fallen in love” or loved someone, then when you do it will sweep you off your feet. It is one hell of an experience. An experience worth living for, really. What’s life without love? A boring one.

What are your thoughts on love?

XOXO Anna

Drunkorexia

Yesterday Cody and I spent the whole day together since it was his day off from work. We went out to lunch with two of his friends. I personally looked at the menu and panicked. I saw things I would eat, but the idea of eating them just was too overwhelming. I didn’t want to order and have it be obvious that I have issues with food. Then one of Cody’s friends started talking about how he didn’t get how people would starve themselves, but then stopped and I looked to Cody who was shaking his head.

I personally was curious to hear his friends opinion, but at the same time I’m glad Cody was looking out for me because of the fact I was already feeling kinda shitty about the whole not being able to eat. After lunch we went to a bar and talked and drank. Cody ordered me a flatbread pizza, which he said we would split, but it was just for me. I got a sex on the beach at like three in the afternoon and because I was drinking before the pizza arrived, I was drunk enough to not worry about eating and all the emotions that come with eating.

So I ate most of the pizza and got a second drink even though I knew one was okay, I just wanted a second drink because of the guilt I knew I’d soon feel after eating. So I was drunk, but not wasted drunk, just happy tipsy drunk. Then we went back to Cody’s and played music for a while. That was fun. I won’t be doing open mic night this wednesday because I am used to a lot of preparation before I go on stage. Also Cody has songs that he wants to play which is great. I totally support that, but then if we are doing songs together then we need to choose songs that I personally can sing well if that’s what he wants me to do. I’ll go on stage if I am confident in the songs I’m singing. I just don’t know most of the songs he plays.

After the music we went back to my place and we had sex, and then shower sex, and that was nice. The whole day was really nice. Then later Cody made me some pasta because I definitely needed to eat, so it was just really nice.

Also Cody’s friends like me! Like they actually like me! I don’t know if I blogged much about Captain America, but he was one of my boyfriends and his friends treated me like crap and hated me which made that relationship impossible to have. So having Cody’s friends like me means a lot to me. Speaking of Cody’s friends, that friend of his I like, he and Cody were on the phone and he was like “I really like Anna. She is really nice. She said all these really nice things about you. I think she loves you-not like love love- but you know. She said you were the nicest guy she’s been with and how amazing you are and stuff. Is it getting serious?” Cody said, “yeah” but I don’t know if he said that just because of the fact it was on speaker phone and he didn’t want to offend me or something. Also his friend mentioning love… yikes! Again, if you want my opinion and feelings on love, Love and Blasts From The Past post and you’ll understand.

If you’ve been a reader you know the things I’ve gone through hence all the… well hence the shock to me finding a nice guy and all that. But anyways! His friend and Cody are going to be making me and his friends girlfriend dinner one night! I am super excited!! Like, I’ve always wanted a guy to cook for me. And ah just really excited for that 🙂 plus I’ll get to know Cody’s best friend and his girlfriend! The whole thing is a win.

Having a good day so far. Hope everyone else is having a good one!

XOXO Anna

Quick Silver almost gave me a heart attack…

So I am making tea in my apartment when I get a call asking if I can give him a ride back to his dorm. I say sure. He gets in the car, and I mention this thing my therapist told me to ask him.

Sidenote- I had therapy today and because I was talking about friends and leaving and how sad I would be, she told me to ask Quick Silver to list all the qualities, inner and outer, that he see’s in me, or feels from me and why he chose me as a friend.

So I mention that he could make like a graphic design poster with his signature thing that he made and stuff, so we will discuss that further later.

But then on the ride home he tells me, “I need to talk to you about something. It’s going to be uncomfortable, and you might be upset, but- wait, I’ll just tell you when we get to the parking lot.”

My heart dropped. I thought he was going to well, I don’t even want to write it, but if you’ve read my past posts about Quick Silver you can guess what I thought he was going to confront me about.

So we get to the parking lot, he tells me to drive to the top floor for privacy. At this point my heart is racing and I’m trying to think my way out of what I think he is going to confront me about.

We almost get to the top when I see Captain America pulling out. I stop my car mid road in the parking lot, hop out and he opens his door and I give him a huge hug and ask if we can hang out before I leave. So Captain America and I will hopefully hang out tomorrow evening!

I get back in my car and park on the top level. It takes Quick Silver about 5-10 minutes before he really speaks much of anything, all the while I’m dying inside, getting nauseous.

Quick Silver comes to some epiphany, and realizes what he was going to confront me about, well it wasn’t even me. I can’t get into details because it involves Quick Silver and people in his life, but it was a mistake.

Basically he thought I was having suicidal thoughts, and was freaking out and thought I would be angry at him or something. I literally was so relieved when he told me that. I dodged a bullet! But then we got talking about many other things.

Quick Silver was very nice yesterday and mentioned how he tried not to look at my blog page much to respect my privacy. I thought that was sweet. But we got talking about Andy and his girlfriend. Fuck. This conversation was intensely painful.

We get talking about Andy’s gf and her worries and then cheating comes up. Quick Silver was like, “Well at least Andy hasn’t fucked up in a big way, like cheating.” I stay silent. I can’t betray Andy and I can’t lie to Quick Silver so I just stay silent, and then I kinda panic and say, “This is making me uncomfortable, let’s not talk about Andy and the possibility of cheating, I just don’t like this conversation.” Quick Silver was suspicious of me but dropped the conversation. I was emotionally exhausted after all that.

We then went on to talk about him a bit and how he honestly doesn’t care about romance or any of that stuff and he can’t imagine him falling in love. We have very different ideas of what we want out of our future. Quick Silver wants a successful career where he can travel. I want a successful career, with a husband, house, dog and cat.

Quick Silver and I ended up sitting in my car for at least an hour. But in all honesty, I was so glad to have hung out with him today. So far today has been an amazing day! And before leaving, Quick Silver was like, “We’re good right?” I was confused, and said, “What do you mean?” Quick Silver was like, “You’re not mad at me anymore about almost giving you a heart attack, right?” I was like, “Of course not! Totally past that. We’re good.” He replied, “Okay, good.”

Quick Silver and I will hang out saturday, the day before I leave. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I am really going to miss him and Andy.

XOXO Anna

Practiced with Quick Silver!

So I went over to Quick Silver’s and we practiced it. He helped me get my lines down and sat patients as I rehearsed over and over. Then we went to the computer lab and I showed him my blog because I wanted to show him the new theme. Yes my blog is anonymous, but my sister knows about it, one close girl friend knows my username and everything because she helped me create it, and Quick Silver knows I have one and what it looks like, so I didn’t really give it away.

But anyways…. We were chilling outside the lab, and it was really funny, I was talking about how I had sex and feel all confident again, and I was thinking about Eric because he like lives in that building because of his major, and sure enough, like a freaking TV show, Eric swipes his card to get into the building. I didn’t even realize it was him until he walked through the door.

My reaction? I felt SO gross. I literally was like, “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Ewww, gross, gross, bleh!” and I literally was freaking out because of how disgusted I felt to be that close to him. I’ve never reacted to a person like that before. It totally caught me off guard, but gross. I can still feel it lingering. I am so taking a shower! But Quick Silver walked me to the parking lot and we kept talking and I calmed down… but I realized that I was parked in the parking spot where I had a bad memory with Eric,and my ex Captain America. To tell you about that:

I got fucked up at a party. Their friend picked me up and threw me in the back of the car. It triggered a flashback to when Monster put me in the back of the car before he raped me. I literally was freaking out. The friend was feeling sick in the front seat. Eric was in the back trying to calm me down while Captain America was confused as hell. We get to the parking lot, and the friend pukes half in the car and half outside. Captain America is freaking out. Pissed that his car is ruined. Eric takes the friend out of the car and I am in the back crying, thinking I’m about to get raped again. I get out of the car, I’m crying and walking all around the parking lot. Eric is trying to get me to be in the present. Captain America is being a useless fuck and just sitting down. Eric is trying to help the puking passed out friend while keeping me from getting hit by cars. Eric punched the wall out of frustration I remember. The story goes on, but that’s the main part.

So that memory came up while I was talking to Quick Silver and I had to ground myself before I got lost in that memory. Then Quick Silver mentioned that his grandmother was coming into town and that his grandma commented on a photo of Andy, asking if he was gay.

I burst out laughing and we continued talking. Andy is very straight, as I know, as well as plenty of other girls. We eventually parted ways and, just like I always did with Ethan, I had to like ask for a hug. Ethan, after 2.5 years finally realizes that I am a hug kind of a person, and that whenever parting to give me a hug. Quick Silver is just I don’t know- Oblivious as Andy would say. Andy knows to hug me when parting ways.

I guess some people are just more observant (?). But I had a great night practicing with Quick Silver and just talking. I could have totally lived without seeing Eric, but hey, at least I know my true reaction and feelings about him. I am so glad my reaction wasn’t crying and wondering why we weren’t friends. I am glad disgust was my reaction.

Now for a shower, and then passing out!

XOXO Anna